Feel Like I'm Back to Square One

[KBarletta]

She strikes me as a bit of a narcissist and attention-wh*re, it will bug her that she made no impact on you...

 

It's funny you say this because I don't think I've included this piece of the story anywhere here --

 

During our time together (and before, when we were just friends) she was very modest in her social media posts, in terms of sharing provocative selfies, etc. She rarely if ever posted photos of herself at all, let alone "sexy" ones.

 

Since we stopped spending time together, in say the past four to five months, friends have shared with me a number of screenshots of things she's been posting, including deliberately sexy selfies of herself posing in her underwear, swimwear, etc. She NEVER did this before.

 

So -- attention w**re, narcissist -these were words that I'd never have attached to her before but now that we're apart she certainly seems to embody them. I'm not saying it's because of me, but the timing is certainly suspect.

[Marc878]

She's told you and shown you who she is. You'd be very wise to believe it or you'll just repeat

[KBarletta]

She's told you and shown you who she is. You'd be very wise to believe it or you'll just repeat

 

I struggle with this. Thank you for the reminder.

 

This is one of those cases where - when it's good it's so very very good and when it's bad it's brutal.

 

Only like one other person in my life has ever had this kind of power over me and I had to let her go completely and just pretend she didn't exist because the feeling never went away no matter how long I went without contact. Every time I saw her the feelings came rushing back. This feels the same as that.

[Gaeta]

Since we stopped spending time together, in say the past four to five months, friends have shared with me a number of screenshots of things she's been posting, including deliberately sexy selfies of herself posing in her underwear, swimwear, etc. She NEVER did this before.

 

 

What kind of friends do that???

 

Tell them you don't want to hear or see a thing about her!

 

How are you suppose to move on if every bit of her life is displayed in front of you!

 

 

.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What kind of friends do that???

 

Tell them you don't want to hear or see a thing about her!

 

How are you suppose to move on if every bit of her life is displayed in front of you!

 

 

.

 

That's what I was wondering! Why in the world is this happening? This has never happened to me, ever, in my life.

[KBarletta]

What kind of friends do that???

 

Tell them you don't want to hear or see a thing about her!

 

How are you suppose to move on if every bit of her life is displayed in front of you!

 

 

.

 

We have been friends for a long time and we have the same large network of mutual friends. They sometimes are just like, "hey, check out the BS that Sally's up to lately ..." without really thinking about my specific situation. It's not malicious.

 

Then there are a couple mutual friends (like the one who invited her to the concert) who genuinely like both of us and think we are meant to be and want us to reconcile.

 

So there's both of those factors. But mainly it's that we still have the same circle of mutual friends. It makes NC difficult. I'm actually surprised that it took five months or more for us to cross paths like we did.

[Kelliousme]

I think it's pretty obvious that you have a much stronger attraction to Sally. This might not be what you want to hear but I truly feel bad for Pam and I honestly think she deserves to know what's going on in your head. If you haven't moved on from Sally and you think there are still unresolved feelings, I would suggest you break up with Pam and consider to go work things out with Sally. One, this is fairest to Pam because like you said.. if Sally had called you that day to spend the time.. you would. Second, you can finally go and see if you still have a chance with the woman you can't stop thinking about.

[Marc878]

If she wanted back you'd have known that. She's just playing games.

 

Stay dark

[mortensorchid]

DOn't throw away what you have with Pam for Sally. She's just yanking your chain.

[KBarletta]

I think it's pretty obvious that you have a much stronger attraction to Sally. This might not be what you want to hear but I truly feel bad for Pam and I honestly think she deserves to know what's going on in your head. If you haven't moved on from Sally and you think there are still unresolved feelings, I would suggest you break up with Pam and consider to go work things out with Sally. One, this is fairest to Pam because like you said.. if Sally had called you that day to spend the time.. you would. Second, you can finally go and see if you still have a chance with the woman you can't stop thinking about.

 

It's not so much that I haven't moved on from Sally. I feel like now, 10 days later, that it was more of a temporary setback than evidence that I should go full-on into getting Sally back. I can recognize that she's toxic for me in the long term, even if in the short term her charm and "perfect 10" beauty and emotional connection to me was enough to have me temporarily thinking "WTF??"

 

I know Sally isn't good for me, not the way she treats me or especially not the way she behaves now that we're apart. She's self-centered, dismissive and way too erratic to be a good partner to me. I know that. I'm still drawn to her because we share so much history, but not enough to drop Pam and pursue her. It took a lot of reflection to come to that conclusion and maybe I needed this incident to really get to that point.

 

I have continued to spend my time with Pam and really like her a lot. I am not sure telling her I have "unresolved" feelings for an ex would do anything at this point but confuse and upset her. I feel strongly enough for her to continue seeing her and will continue NC with Sally.

[KBarletta]

If she wanted back you'd have known that. She's just playing games.

 

Stay dark

 

That's the plan. I have blocked her on all social media platforms but she can still call or text. She hasn't done that. I will continue NC. Sally knew for a long time that I loved her and has chosen to ignore that fact for the most part. That kinda says it all I think.

[RideTheLightening]

That's the plan. I have blocked her on all social media platforms but she can still call or text. She hasn't done that. I will continue NC. Sally knew for a long time that I loved her and has chosen to ignore that fact for the most part. That kinda says it all I think.

 

Emotions like what you are feeling can only be pushed aside by other strong emotions. Find another emotion to feel and Sally will fade away.

 

The way this woman treats you... I'd think anger would be enough. Unless you secretly enjoy being treated like crap. There are guys who get off on that stuff.

[Logo]

That's the plan. I have blocked her on all social media platforms but she can still call or text. She hasn't done that. I will continue NC. Sally knew for a long time that I loved her and has chosen to ignore that fact for the most part. That kinda says it all I think.

 

The way I see it Sally is in the past for a reason because that's where she belongs, in your past, not present.

 

 

Pam is there. Stay in the moment. Enjoy the relationship, nurture it and focus on Pam.

 

I don't think it'd be wise to tell her about your temporary and momentary rekindled feelings for Sally after you saw her again. Those feelings will fade again sooner than you think.

 

You're not back to square one. That's a false feeling we all get when we cross paths with someone we were once attracted to or wanted to be with. Emotions feel raw again and memories rush back like a waterfall. Everything feels real again. But the feelings will fade away before you know it. Give it a few more days and please, look to the future.

 

Like others have said, stay the course. And enjoy your healthy relationship. Take Pam out this weekend and do something fun. Live it up.

[KBarletta]

Emotions like what you are feeling can only be pushed aside by other strong emotions. Find another emotion to feel and Sally will fade away.

 

The way this woman treats you... I'd think anger would be enough. Unless you secretly enjoy being treated like crap. There are guys who get off on that stuff.

 

There's a lot of anger, but also a lot of good memories and emotional connections and history and attraction, on both sides. If she had been as attentive and communicative and responsive and supportive of me as Pam has been, we'd still be together. But she wasn't. She was selfish and indifferent much of the time. When she was all in, things were great. When she wasn't, they were awful. I know I don't want to go back there.

 

I need to consistently remind myself that she was toxic for me. That even if the good times outweighed the bad, there were enough bad times to make me say, "enough!"

 

Sally made me feel like a million dollars when things were good and like a pile of dog crap when they were bad. I stayed because that good feeling seemed worth it. I never have quite that same high with Pam, but I also never have anything close to that low either.

[KBarletta]

The way I see it Sally is in the past for a reason because that's where she belongs, in your past, not present.

 

 

Pam is there. Stay in the moment. Enjoy the relationship, nurture it and focus on Pam.

 

I don't think it'd be wise to tell her about your temporary and momentary rekindled feelings for Sally after you saw her again. Those feelings will fade again sooner than you think.

 

You're not back to square one. That's a false feeling we all get when we cross paths with someone we were once attracted to or wanted to be with. Emotions feel raw again and memories rush back like a waterfall. Everything feels real again. But the feelings will fade away before you know it. Give it a few more days and please, look to the future.

 

Like others have said, stay the course. And enjoy your healthy relationship. Take Pam out this weekend and do something fun. Live it up.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am sure you're right. It's been like I said about 10 days and I am already feeling almost normal again. There is a part of me that feels some guilt and sadness over basically tossing a friendship and a deeply emotional relationship aside but I have to keep reminding myself that she wasn't there for me - why should I be for her? (There's a voice in my head that wonders ... "What if she needs me and I'm not there and something awful happens?")

 

That's the guilt I feel, I was always the first one she'd call if she needed to talk or was having anxiety or that sort of thing. I feel like me leaving may have led her to a kind of dark place emotionally. But she did the same to me and I'm coming out of it, hopefully she is too.

 

I am seeing Pam today, we're having dinner and drinks and I'm sure it will go well as it always does. Like I said, there are no super high feelings of intense emotion and attraction like Sally and I used to have but there also hasn't been one moment where I felt badly about myself or questioned my own worth. That is important too.

[RideTheLightening]

There's a lot of anger, but also a lot of good memories and emotional connections and history and attraction, on both sides. If she had been as attentive and communicative and responsive and supportive of me as Pam has been, we'd still be together. But she wasn't. She was selfish and indifferent much of the time. When she was all in, things were great. When she wasn't, they were awful. I know I don't want to go back there.

I need to consistently remind myself that she was toxic for me. That even if the good times outweighed the bad, there were enough bad times to make me say, "enough!"

Sally made me feel like a million dollars when things were good and like a pile of dog crap when they were bad. I stayed because that good feeling seemed worth it. I never have quite that same high with Pam, but I also never have anything close to that low either.

 

That sounds like a drug... High highs and low lows. I think if you had sex with her then this wouldn't be that big of a deal.

 

I don't know how old you are, but maybe working on your game might help you. If you are this easily distracted from Pam, then maybe she isn't the one for you.

 

So, I would advise the following. Work on improving yourself as a man. Part of that is gaining better control over your emotions. You can choose what you feel for Sally. Focus your thoughts on the bad times and how poorly she treated you... hone your anger to razor sharpness and use it to cut out any positive feelings towards her. Remember that hate is the yin to the yang of love. If you ever see her again being cold as ice probably won't work. Instead you will have to be somewhat hateful and angry towards her. Eventually when you have a woman clearly better than her... you will feel indifference which should be the goal.

[Zahara]

I am seeing Pam today, we're having dinner and drinks and I'm sure it will go well as it always does. Like I said, there are no super high feelings of intense emotion and attraction like Sally and I used to have but there also hasn't been one moment where I felt badly about myself or questioned my own worth. That is important too.

 

We often misconstrue a toxic relationship for one fueled by passion. We mistake those highs and lows as a love connection. The chase and the push/pull often creates a challenge and soon enough we begin to idealize this person that keeps us on our toes and keeps us trying harder.

 

I remember being in such relationships and romanticizing them as the love story of my lifetime because I mistook angst as a deep emotional connection. These men were good looking, kept me on a rollercoaster and always delivered a challenge. And I was addicted to it. Those nice guys that tried to date me I found boring.

 

Then I got my head straight. My "Pam" came along and I had a completely different perspective -- I was finally able to appreciate and embrace stability and security and realize what it felt to be truly loved. It was peaceful, it was calm and it was easy.

 

Stay with Pam. While you and Sally were great friends, unfortunately, that dynamic changed when you both started dating. While she may have been able to function at her best as a friend, it's indicative that she wasn't able to transition those qualities into a relationship. And that happens -- some people aren't good or have a healthy mindset when trying to maneuver themselves in a relationship.

[KBarletta]

I don't know how old you are, but maybe working on your game might help you. If you are this easily distracted from Pam, then maybe she isn't the one for you.

 

Thanks. I'm old enough and have been through enough relationships that I know it takes a long time for me to develop and emotional closeness with someone necessary to feel the connection I had with Sally - which is the main reason why I was fairly easily distracted from Pam. We've only known each other two months. I've known Sally for years. It will just take time, but we will get there.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Sometimes I wonder - why do we so often want people who are bad for us? I know Sally is not good for me but I can't get her out of my head.

 

Why is she bad for you? Who was the judge of that fact?

Did you make that label for you two? Is it really that exact?

If you think she's not good for you, then it's a decision you decided,

Otherwise, what's stopping you except yourself, and in us, confided?

[KBarletta]

Why is she bad for you? Who was the judge of that fact?

 

Well, it's not evident from this thread, but from past ones it is. She has treated me with indifference on a number of occasions, is non-responsive, selfish, often behaves as a user, often acts with disregard for my feelings ...

 

Did you make that label for you two? Is it really that exact?

 

It was an unhealthy relationship in many ways - I don't know how much more "exact" I need to be. There were some good things about it but on the whole it was not good for me.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Well, it's not evident from this thread, but from past ones it is. She has treated me with indifference on a number of occasions, is non-responsive, selfish, often behaves as a user, often acts with disregard for my feelings ...

 

 

 

It was an unhealthy relationship in many ways - I don't know how much more "exact" I need to be. There were some good things about it but on the whole it was not good for me.

 

What I am trying to say, while navigating the restrictions of a poem,

Is that while you may deem it unhealthy, and normally wouldn't condone,

Maybe she's just the right amount of unhealthy to make you surprisingly grounded,

Do explore this a bit more, masochism included, for your own observations are not unfounded!

[KBarletta]

What I am trying to say, while navigating the restrictions of a poem,

Is that while you may deem it unhealthy, and normally wouldn't condone,

Maybe she's just the right amount of unhealthy to make you surprisingly grounded,

Do explore this a bit more, masochism included, for your own observations are not unfounded!

 

LOL. I missed the rhyming part the last time. Thanks.

 

I wish things had gone differently for us and we could have explored an actual relationship instead of the in-between love and friendship thing we had. But that's not in the cards anymore.

 

I know people can change, and maybe she will some day (I've had people in the past come back into my life as totally different people years later) ... but I'm not holding my breath. She'll find someone else who will put up with her BS and presume that I was the problem all along for not accepting her flakiness, and we'll probably never be friends again. That's my prediction. I hope I am wrong.

[guest569]

If Sally had any real desire to reconcile then she would have during the past 5 months, with all the mutual friends around, she could easily find you. This is just a case of trying to show you what you’re missing. I have dreamt of the moment I see my ex down the line, looking drop dead gorgeous. Not to win him back, just showing off and saying I’m doing great without him. It’s a big worry that you would gladly go back to her without her doing a single thing , explaining herself or apologising or talking. All you care about is how perfect she is physically and she is a 10 etc etc with no concerns about her personality and the way she treated you. I hope Pam didn’t see you gawking. You need to stop thinking of the good times, focus on the bad and how she made you feel in the events that lead to you breaking things off.

[guest569]

And also focus on Pam and the good times with her! When you start reminiscing about Sally. Remember when she made you feel like complete ... and write down your thoughts about the bad stuff. It’s common to question your breakup down the line especially after seein an ex for the first time, but don’t act on it. Keep your logic hat on. It might feel like you’re back at square one but you’re not really, a lot has passed and you’ve made a lot of progress. It’s a little set back but just a moment in time. Keep moving and enjoying life with Pam. It takes a long time to get over Sally but you’ll get there.

[preraph]

Okay. Here comes the bucket of ice water. I can't believe how many people I have had to tell this to.

 

Just because she makes you horny doesn't mean she's interested in you. Just because she has boobs that you notice also doesn't mean she's interested in you.

 

You know, there was a study done some years back where men were shown photos of women and asked to rate their attractiveness and then rate how likely these women would be to be interested in them. What they found was the better looking the guys thought a woman was, the more likely they felt it was that the woman would be interested in them back -- which is completely delusional!

 

Now, you already know this one isn't interested enough to even keep the relationship polite and considerate with you. No reason to thinks she's changed. She probably did enjoy torturing you, depending on how things ended. It's possible her friends set her up and she didn't even know because they're sneaky.