Wife having emotional affair

[bathtub-row]

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Affairs completely change the dynamics - and innocence - of a relationship.

 

If I were you, I’d stop trying to figure out how you’re supposed to act, what you’re supposed to do — all that. Either stay and keep her at a distance for now until you can make sense of things, or separate from her. Time is going to change your intense feelings about this and then you’ll know what to do. I think her saving grace is that she wants to save her marriage. Most women will walk away from a relationship much faster than most men when they’re truly unhappy. So I think she realizes she screwed up in a big way. I know that doesn’t solve the trust issue but it does have some redeeming value.

[S2B]

Ive seen people get divorced for a very small fee.

 

Get the forms from the courthouse and ask the "help desk" to guide you. That's the way it's cheapest.

[carhill]

Ive seen people get divorced for a very small fee.

 

Get the forms from the courthouse and ask the "help desk" to guide you. That's the way it's cheapest.

Very true but that takes amicable spouses and everything still needs to be in proper legal form and self-help doesn't give legal advice so one would still have to pay a lawyer to make sure any settlement is accurate and legally correct. One spouse angry at another over an affair, or rancor/discord for any reason, doesn't usually make for an amicable split. Absent poverty/fee waivers, the bare minimum would be filing/service fees and mediation fees presuming mediation isn't available fee-free. In our jurisdiction the local law college offered 3L's for complimentary mediation and MSA purposes but still recommended a practicing lawyer review. I looked into it after spending over five grand for five minutes of a judge's time on an unrelated (to divorce) matter.

 

OP, how affordable is counseling? If nothing else it could help smooth the divorce and custody process. What you'll want to watch for is, if you choose the divorce path, your wife to flip the tables on you. Right now she's begging for reconciliation. That can change in an instant and you've got a 4yo daughter in the mix. Don't underestimate women. They can rip your balls off and smile while they're doing it.

[fredflint]

100 grand for divorce....Wow. I can see money well spent to end something really bad, but that’d wipe me out and then some.....We saw the therapist who suggested my wife give up dancing for a while and had some good insight....but i find myself unable to shake the thoughts of: this would still be going on had i not found it out, maybe for years until something physical did happen (if indeed she is not lying about that part).... How many messages would they have exchanged on fathers day and this week? The betrayal i feel for her actions does not seem to have a solution....what can she say? I also feel like i’ve wasted my life with her to a certain extent. I didnt know we were in a relationship where we could sneak behind each others back to fulfill whatever emotional or sexual desires we had....thinking back through our time together, i have straight up turned down 5 offers for relationships with other women, most of them drop dead gorgeous.....so my wife got to go out and play for at least 5 months, maybe other times too....Where’s my damn play?? Instead i am left with my soul ripped out of my chest....a partner i no longer trust.....our relationship dashed against the rocks for a hollow fling with a geezer.....and likely years of torment trying to deal with this mentally. It is obvious now my wife has serious confidence, ego, and constant need for validation issues, i dont know if that is something one can grow out of at 45....she is dispondent over what she has done and is sorry and has offered to become my “dog” if i dont leave her.....i have no need for anything like that, and i know she will say anything including lie to try and salvage our relationship. I am lost with grief and not knowing what to do or how to act around her anymore.

 

Has she given any deeper explanation for WHY she had this affair?

[notbroken]

So your wife sends this guy 75 messages and you 1 or 2 while being rude? Is this really something you can live with 10 years from now?

 

I could not. I tried. Something similar almost drove me crazy. I thought about it every night for 10 years+. Not divorcing then and there was the single biggest personal regret of my life. Of course, you may be able to get over it. I didn't. At the very least YOU too should get counselling if you do attempt to get over it. It affected me in ways I didn't fully understand for a long time. Self esteem, mood, happiness, etc. It was NOT necessarily what happened - but my reaction to what happened. Be very cautious of this.

 

If she is not 'all in' about a reconciliation, don't even try it. Seriously. If she blames you in ANY way other than taking full responsibility for her actions run as fast as you can.

 

I predict she cheats again. Might be 5, 10, or even 20 years from now - but she has already proven it is in her nature. You'll struggle with it daily. May be easier (note that doesn't mean easy) to cut out now. Best wishes. Be good to yourself right now - your 'wife' sure isn't.

[Adotta]

Divorce with an amicable spouse is the best way to go if you can achieve it.

 

What kind of state do you live in? No fault? If so your lucky as heck. Makes this much easier for you.

 

Have you thought about a postnup? It can take some pressure off you back. If you think she might be staying for money and security it could alleviate some concern. Be careful in some states they don't work that well in this situation as it can be considered under duress while signing.

 

But back onto the relationship and R. Not broken has it right. If she is complaining about her privacy or blame shifting or being sneaky in the least you have to seriously look at cutting the cord.

 

Do you want to spend the next 20 years wondering? She should be putting monumental effort into fixing herself and helping you understand what happened and why. Part of her reason why should be admitting she was being selfish beyond belief and threw her morals, self respect, respect for you and her family out the window. Then she should work to fix that. The work on being a safe wife doesn't end anytime soon. Keep an eye on her.

 

The onus is on her. I've seen a lot of husband's lead their WW through R by the nose and it makes for awful results. It's like a parent living with a rebelous child.

 

She should be proactive in her efforts. She should be persuasive. She should show long term through actions that she accepts the gravity of her crime against the marriage. She should be accepting and comforting about your pain over this even 2 , 3 or 4 years from now.

 

Is she going to last the long haul or will she give up and go back to old patterns of acting?

 

I don't know. You have a chance, but it won't be you who dictates that if you try. Try as hard as you want, but if she doesn't take this 110 percent serious R is doomed. At that point it will be about how much you can take.

 

And even then, you don't know if this is simply a deal breaker for you yet. Nobody knows in the beginning. Well most people don't. You will have to see how badly this effects you and how you feel about getting over this. Getting over this will take YEARS. Your emotions and thoughts are going to change a lot and even rapidly moving forward. This is a process that can't be rushed.

 

Just don't be a fool. Make sure you got the whole story and keep your eyes open. Pay attention to her actions and don't let her pull emotional manipulations on you. Women are very skilled talkers at times. They are social creatures and if you let them they will use their higher EQ against you. Shut down illogical and emotional based arguing from her immediately.

 

Someone made a great post about soft vs hard 180. Maybe a soft 180 is best for you as well. I really can't recommend the 180 enough.

 

Do you have a IC just for You? I believe you said your both seeing a therapist together. Is that MC? if so be warned MC are notoriously bad at handling infidelity. They want to fix the marriage. They sometimes like to bury grievances about infidelity in stock phrases like "If their wasn't something wrong with the marriage the cheating wouldn't have happened."

 

While it's may be true that the marriage was probably not great, the biggest reason it's currently **** is all on your wife. Big wounds before little wounds and any councillor that says otherwise is selling you blame. You can talk about how "distant and unfeeling" you where for the last few years AFTER dealing with the massive stab wound in your back. Put your needs first. God knows she hasn't been recently.

 

If you take a hard stance on this it can actually improve your wife's image of you oddly enough. Not that that should be your first concern.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Adotta

[merrmeade]

tokentowely, time to read up on limerence. You seem to be aware of how things evolved and the psychological aspect. Understanding the stages might help you figure out how far things likely developed and what stage of limerence they were in. It's just a fancy word for infatuation but the results of the studies on limerence may help you. It's possible you caught things in time.

 

It's also possible that her shame and terror at being exposed has turned everything else upside down for her and she's scrambling for whatever will save the situation and her from disgrace.

 

I've been through this and at some point, they can't tell you the truth because they've built up such a storyline. It would mean admitting to lying. Your ONLY recourse is the polygraph in my opinion to find out the truth about whether it got physical. From the stories I've read here on LS, going through the process seems to give enough new information that they are able to make a decision. Sometimes people get a "parking lot confession" which means the confession the truth as they drive into the parking lot where the poly is to be given. Being so close makes them realize the gig is about to be up and there's no choice but to come clean, so might as well say it all now rather than going through the polygraph.

[tokentowely]

I think the insights into limerence describes a lot about whatever was happening between them. Question becomes how far did it go, and i think the poly could be helpful there...if nothing else maybe ease my mind enough to allow some sleep. While i hope i caught it in time, it is still sickening to realize what was happening right in front of me. Also disturbing to read that limerance response to others is somewhat genetic? Heard infidelity was the same way too? The last thing i want to do is go through this again with her if we are able to work things out this time. Is getting “scared straight” a big enough wake up call to people, or does it wane when things get comfortable again after a while? Can people change this (sometimes) unconscious reactions to other people they find connection with, or are they like a recovering junkie who slips back into addiction?

[Adotta]

I've never heard of infidelity being genetic, but I have seen that a lot of cheaters have parents who were cheaters. I think it's more a FOO issue than genetics.

 

She has to dig in and decide to be a better person. She has to change her thoughts on fidelity and loyalty. That isn't easy and a few weeks of work simply won't cut it.

 

Infidelity can be conquered from both sides of the equation. It needs to willing and dedicated people though. But yeah if she is only doing this because you told her too or because she doesn't want to lose what she has... a second d day may be on the way. This has to be a life changer for her.... and you.

[aliveagain]

I can tell you as a man, finding out your wife is the pursuer in the affair is really hard to accept specially if she is indifferent when it comes to lovemaking with you. Simply put, she broke your trust and can't be trusted being around other men without you being present. Reading her texts to the O/M inviting him down to the bar she is at says it all, I'm available and the fact I am married isn't a problem. The polygraph is a good idea, this is not about their accuracy, it sends a message to your wayward spouse that you won't put up with her bullsh*t and lying. I don't see the dancing going well for your relationship, it will always be a trigger and unless your her dance partner she will need another man.

 

She created this mess, make her fix it, the onus is on her to make you feel safe again. She needs to prove to you that staying with her is the best for both of you and your family. If you want the marriage, IC is a good first step, she needs to find out why she was willing to throw everything away for her affair. You need to talk to a lawyer, understand your rights and what divorce might look like if you can't get over this. Talk to a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement, personally, I wouldn't consider staying with someone that cheated on me without a brutal post nuptial in place. Her affair was about her and her selfishness, reconciliation is a something that won't happen unless you give her the gift of a second chance. That can only happen if you protect yourself and have a plan in place that allows you to asses the status of your relationship with her over a fixed period of time. If you find she isn't doing enough get out of it. This is now all about you, don't compromise the ethics that took you a lifetime to establish for someone that won't honor them.

[merrmeade]

I think the insights into limerence describes a lot about whatever was happening between them. Question becomes how far did it go, and i think the poly could be helpful there...if nothing else maybe ease my mind enough to allow some sleep. While i hope i caught it in time, it is still sickening to realize what was happening right in front of me. Also disturbing to read that limerance response to others is somewhat genetic? Heard infidelity was the same way too? The last thing i want to do is go through this again with her if we are able to work things out this time. Is getting “scared straight” a big enough wake up call to people, or does it wane when things get comfortable again after a while? Can people change this (sometimes) unconscious reactions to other people they find connection with, or are they like a recovering junkie who slips back into addiction?

Do a search on LS for ‘limerence’ and check out different perspectives.

 

By the way, just because it has a special name and studies to legitimize it doesn’t make it less insidious or imply that people caught up in limerence are helpless victims of brain chemistry. This isn’t bipolar mood disorder, depression or schizophrenia we’re talking about and taking a pill for 6 weeks won’t break the hold. There’s no Medication for limerence or a Love Potion #9 antidote. And as for a genetic component, sounds like something a psychologist being sued for infidelity might come up with. No, knowing about the stages of limerence just helps you understand the extent of her selfishness and delusional thinking. It doesn’t absolve or excuse her from adulthood. If you read closely, the initial stages of limerence are mutual admiration and idealization of the AP—like falling in love with yourself. If they’re victims of anything, it’s entitlement