Wife having emotional affair

[carhill]

If not already proficient, time to learn to dance. Presuming you stay married, if she's a social (not professional) dancer, there are too many opportunities for things to go sideways. My mom was a USO dancer during the war and boy the stories she told. Reversed though, she was single and some of the servicemen were married.I think the word they used back then was 'fresh'.

 

You identified a marital issue, that lovemaking dried up shortly after marriage. Makes sense after kids perhaps but kids were a ways off at that point. Something more fundamental was going on. More fodder for MC if you go that path.

[tokentowely]

Sorry for the somewhat repetitive post, i am exhausted, little sleep and am not able to eat very much. I appreciate so many points of view! I will consider the poly. I’m already mining her phobe for deleted messages, whats a few questions under technology?

 

The one ironic plus side? Since friday i’ve lost 8 lbs, i havent been able to lose even a pound for over three years!

[tokentowely]

Also, i am not up on all the abbreviations....hard to follow sometimes? Is there a key posted anywhere?

[carhill]

Eating and sleeping. Don't forget. Force yourself if you have to. Easy to be a starving insomniac. It'll fry the brain up. One day at a time. The world isn't going to end tomorrow, hopefully.

 

 

Shorthand:

 

LoveShack Terminology - The guide to acronyms and forum shorthand

[tokentowely]

Carhill, you mentioned Owls post on “foundation and time winding through them”? Which one is that specifically?

[carhill]

A tip from our psychologist, mostly when I was caregiving. Focus on one success for the day and, if/when feeling low, remember that success and its positive effects.

 

You can search advanced by 'Owl' and 'foundation' and list posts. I'll see what I can find.

 

Sample post:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question-10.html#post3918661

 

IMO, that whole thread is worth a read. Long one but IMO a good one.

Edited June 13, 2018 by carhill

[tokentowely]

Dancing.....not really my thing, i was usually in the band. Grew up in dancehalls when i was younger, have seen a lot of crazy **** go down. I was fine for years with my wifes dance and have always tried to support her in her “passion”. However now, i have a pretty bad taste in my mouth from watching these circles recently. Not exactly the “wholesome innocent fun” its made out to be sometimes. On one hand, i feel her dancing hobby should be finished completely, on the other hand, i think denying her that would probably lead to D in the future. She would resent me eventually.

 

I had to tell her to take her phone in, as time is of the essence to recover these deleted texts and i am swamped at work in a different city. The fact that she was willing is a plus i think. Maybe this way she will pay for the results if they are able to find anything?

Edited June 13, 2018 by tokentowely
Oops

[Chaparral]

Got out of appt w lawyer. Not very uplifting, but none of this is. The lawyer said from what they see, very few people are able to move past the A, whether physical or emotional. It may delay the divorce for a few years, but few good long-term outcomes....That’s also what i would expect a lawyer to say....He also highly recommended against asking her to take a polygraph, saying it would likely make things worse and the poly conclusions are not all that accurate.

 

Your lawyer sounds like an idiot.

[usa1ah]

My wife is 45, I am 40, and the other guy is 47. While we hit rough spots fairly often, i thought our relationship was ok, and it had been trending up before this discovery. She is panicing now and does not want our marraige to end, and the last thing i want is another man raising my daughter. At what point does having self-respect trump over what is good for the children? Thanks.

 

Why would another man raise your child. Go for 50/50 custody.

[fredflint]

Your lawyer sounds like an idiot.

 

Plus of course the lawyer doesn't see many people get past the affair, because if they had gotten past the affair, why would they be getting back with the lawyer. All the people who get past the affair don't need a lawyer.

[Chaparral]

She knew him before we met through the dance scene, had a secret crush but nothing ever happened because he was dating one of her good friends at the time. I dont know when the re-met again years later, but they started texting at the first part of january. At first about dancing, then gradually warmer. They wouldnt talk for a few weeks, a month, then a flurry of texts. She maybe mentioned him in passing once, and never again, though she mentions her other dance partners with regularity.

 

She has never come across as promiscuos. Never married before. Her sex drive died shortly after marraige, so for her to suddenly start going out for it, doesnt seem like her MO? Then again ive learned something new about her...

 

Her sex drive for you died shortly after marriage. Sounds like she found you for a safety line. Or she has been getting fulfilled somewhere else all along. You need to consider why you are worried about saving a marriage that is nothing more than friends without benefits. You’re being played.

[usa1ah]

There are apps you can use yourself to retrieve the deleted text don’t spend the money for someone else to do it.

 

Dr.Fone is one of them.

[standtall]

Your lawyer sounds like an idiot.

 

I'm picking the lawyer here. This case is over....a divorce is the most likely outcome.

[WilyWill]

I don't get how the third-party phone recovery service is going to work. She takes the phone in and they give her a text file of all her SMS messages? Then she goes through the file and deletes the ones she doesn't want you to see, and hands you the tainted evidence saying, "See? It was just a little flirting!"

 

Again, whether polygraphs are unreliable is not the question. It is more about observing your wife's behavior at the mere suggestion. It's about the potential for a parking lot confession. There are wives who enthusiastically embrace the opportunity to take a polygraph. They usually pass the exam with flying colors and move on to a successful reconciliation. Maybe yours will end up like this, and you'll have peace of mind a week from now. Otherwise you stay in limbo for months. But hey, at least you'll be able to lose 40 lbs quickly.

 

Avoid any advice in this thread that is encouraging you to rugsweep the whole thing. Your marriage will NOT become stronger as a result of PRETENDING your wife has been honest. The questions about her affair will gnaw at you for years, fill your heart with resentment, and may ultimately result in divorce 10 years from now. That's 10 years of your life you can't get back.

[somanymistakes]

 

She has never come across as promiscuos. Never married before. Her sex drive died shortly after marraige, so for her to suddenly start going out for it, doesnt seem like her MO? Then again ive learned something new about her...

 

Actually that's not unusual for someone who has a low sex drive normally but it increases in the hormone rush of new infatuation.

 

MANY people don't have a very high long-term sex drive but are up for a lot of sex when a relationship is new and the chemicals are spiking and everything seems amazing and exciting and they'll do anything to please their new boyfriend/girlfriend. Then things get comfortable and the butterflies die down, so their desire is less. Then you get married, so their need to please just to keep you is less. And the sex tapers off.

 

However, if they meet someone exciting and new, the hormones spark up again. And the secret thrill of an affair can make those hormones even more intense. This drives people who apparently haven't been interested in sex for years to suddenly, secretly, be doing kinky things they would never have agreed to normally.

 

It's not all people or all women, but this is why for some people it's a common pattern.

[Dutchman1]

To say that it never could become good again is stupid.

Your wife admits to have been at the border and regrets, and does a lot to maintain your marriage.

Your ego is playing with you, your testosterone is now manifesting itself in a way that you have blinkers on.

First, get a lot calmer, wonder if the degree of your jealousy is healthy.

 

If your wife has learned her lesson, better.

EAs are 100 times more harmful to a marriage than an ONS or an A with only P.I.V or BJ; s.

The latter are often only short-lived, often ego destructive.

An EA, however, wow is hell. Love hormones and butterflies are there 24/7. much worse.

 

If she has seen her mistake and she really repents, seek help together, and do not continue to punish her.

If she does have contact, it is time for the 180 that goes with children.

 

I tell you my chosen way back then.( my wife was in a EA with a close friend)

 

I had taken a Friday afternoon ( self emploid), went to the hairdresser, bought a new after shave and new shoes.

After dinner I went to shower and came with new shoes and smell downstairs and told her not to stay up, as I would go out with friends.

My phone (where nothing was strange on )I left demonstratively on the table and went.

 

Woman was surprised, angry, scared etc. I was just going to play darts and have a drink with friends.

The next day she was completely like a bull with a red cloth.

I was friendly but reserved, and toldI had a nice evening.

 

Kissed my children at breakfast and went to work in the garden.

An hour later she left the house furiously with the children, roaring that she was going to her sister.

I laughed and wished her a nice day.

 

On Sunday I asked my eldest son, (then 14 years old) where he would like to go on vacation.

His answer was Italy. I asked my daughter (then 13 years) if she wanted to come.

She wanted that, and I said that we would go on holiday just the three of us. My wife was worse off as last Friday.

My son asked why actually the three of us ?

 

I replied that Mama was too busy with her other important hobbies and friends. Total war hahaha.

I went to the football field with the kids, and on my return my wife was gone.

 

There was a note with: Do not call me, because I will not come back. And we compleyed, so we did not call.

Yes, if you ask me something, then who am I not to respect het wishes.

 

On Wednesday, my son asked if Mommy would ever come back, and if Mommy found a new man.

I told him the truth.

My wife came back on Saturday afternoon, but the three of us spent a long weekend at Disney Paris and did not return until Sunday.

On the kitchen table I had left the divorce request nonchalant.

 

I had already filled in my part.

 

In The evening she wanted to talk, I said: ok, but first sign..

 

Hahaha married now 25 years, and never had to deal with this BS again.

 

Good Luck.

 

Dutchman 1

Edited June 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[S2B]

The fact that after what she had been doing with her ex she actually "wanted to remain friends with him and continue dancing with him" tells you how little respect she has for you, and how little remorse she feels about it.

 

You were already concerned with her dance group because of how sexually they dance with her, but you decided to trust her. Now that she has shown you that she is not worthy of that trust, she needs to not only go full 100% no contact with the ex, but also go full no-contact with the dance group that he is a part of. The dance group as it stand gives any man interested in pursuing her, an easy platform to do so. This should be non-negotiable. This is a logical consequence for her actions, that is a whole lot less consequence to her than a divorce would be. Not only should she do this, but she should be grateful that she even has such a non-divorce option.

 

So true.

 

If she was in his vicinity and they had been flirting that heavily you can assume she had sex with him - especially since she was late coming home.

 

Add that she didn't intend to end the friendship and dancing on top of that = she definitely cheated.

 

She doesn't respect you. She hasn't honored you.

 

You can't trust her.

 

You have no foundation for any marriage.

 

 

She's not sorry she did this - she sorry she got caught! There's a BIG difference!

 

Did you tell all family? Expose her completely!!!

 

Consequences and more consequences! File for divorce! Make sure she's REALLY uncomfortable! Comfortable means she thinks you're a pushover/chump! Start enforcing consequences galore!

 

Separate all money!

 

Get moving by taking actions that make her understand you're not taking her crap anymore! Get a nest camera installed at home and watch and listen to her every move - don't tell her it's there.

[tokentowely]

I mentioned the poly last night and she is open to it, though she worries that her nervousness might cause a false-positive. They also recovered the deleted texts, but will not be ready until Friday. She is insistant that it was nothing more than a cyber-affair and when they were together in person, they didnt have much connection. She admits to being very stupid and is repentant....i dont know how to think, especially w/o talking with the therapist and seeing what she deleted. Earning my trust will not come easy, and not because i want to punish her, its just how i’m wired.

 

Question about polys: Is there a particular time frame that is better to do them? Improved accuracy, etc? Is doing it sooner when emotions are raw better, or is letting things cool off a little first to allow reflection better? Thanks.

[BluesPower]

I mentioned the poly last night and she is open to it, though she worries that her nervousness might cause a false-positive. They also recovered the deleted texts, but will not be ready until Friday. She is insistant that it was nothing more than a cyber-affair and when they were together in person, they didnt have much connection. She admits to being very stupid and is repentant....i dont know how to think, especially w/o talking with the therapist and seeing what she deleted. Earning my trust will not come easy, and not because i want to punish her, its just how i’m wired.

 

Question about polys: Is there a particular time frame that is better to do them? Improved accuracy, etc? Is doing it sooner when emotions are raw better, or is letting things cool off a little first to allow reflection better? Thanks.

 

Do you read anything that we tell you here... or any other sites?

 

So the next thing in a long line of things that you have done WRONG is TELL her you are going to MAKE her take a poly!

 

And since you told her, she has already given you a reason that she will fail, and you think that is OK. Now she gets to prepare for it, and try to beat it. But if she does not, she already has an excuse.

 

GO WORK.

 

Do you have any idea what questions to ask? If not talk to your wife, I am sure that she would like to be as prepared to lie a possible.

 

Unbelievable...

[tokentowely]

I didnt notice anything that suggested it had to be a surprise? 70% accuracy is what it is, definately room for false positives, and nervousness would be a natural response whether you prepared for it or not. I dont know how a poly works, or what exact questions to ask, because i would have never thought to do it in the first place, but she will not have the questions beforehand to prepare for. I will talk to the company and see what they suggest, if anything.

 

BluesPower, I appreciate you weighing in, but I’ve seen you respond to other people’s posts as well and its always the same jive: “she definitely had sex, she def still lying, divorce immediately idiot” Realistic posibility, but not very productive given the lack of evidence that even I have. I will never stand for anything physical, but i am also thinking of my family as well. She has every reason to lie, but it doesnt mean she is about everything.

 

Any suggestions on questions to ask during a poly based on your experiences? Thanks.

[Adotta]

Blues has a good point man. Listen.

 

You can not assume she is on your side any more. You don't let a possible enemy look at your battle plans. You need to find the truth more than you need to respect her and inform her of every step your taking.

 

Also just because you retrieve old deleted texts does not mean she didn't communicate some other ways. If you find their communication lacking or odd over text I can almost guarantee she got s burner cell or they used an email account to talk. Possibly chat app as well. Just Google how to hide an affair. Guides on doing just that abound on the internet.

 

I'm not saying your wife ****ed anyone. Just saying don't believe otherwise unless you are very sure. It's not about making you feel better. If she is withholding info then she is NOT ready for reconciliation. She has to lay EVERYTHING on the table. It's not about power really or about finding your bottom line on acts done. If she isn't being honest she isn't respecting you. A woman who doesn't respect her husband is prepped and ready for an affair.

 

If you let her she may just bury what you don't know about the affair and continue on business as usual. A lot of people thought they had a simple EA on their hands but later found they didn't get half the story.

 

I'm not going to claim for sure anything. I just find it hard to believe they didn't ****. Make sure you got the majority of the big picture. Your desire for the details is up to you. I would want to know every detail. I would make her tell me. I would make her read their communications aloud in front of me. Most of all I would make sure she knew without a shadow of doubt that withholding ANY info is a betrayal and will lead to immediate divorce. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. Any threat of divorce has to be taken seriously by her (You too. A threat with no teeth is just words).

 

Don't let her convince you she will fail the poly because she is nervous. Get a good tester with a lot of experience. The tests can be good or bad depending on who you go to. Honestly the biggest advantage of the poly is the fear. A lot of people break and confess to things before even getting to the testing building. Sometimes the new confession is just an attempt to throw you off.

 

She could suddenly admit they kissed A lot and gave oral a few times. Then she could claim she was completely honest now and the test isn't needed any more.

 

Don't let her trick you. You have to go forward as if you are a detective and she is some perp. Don't trust her words unless you have proof of there validity. Cheaters lie lie lie lie lie. It's a truth of the world.

[S2B]

Make her pay for the transcribed texts. If SHE wants to stay married she proves she didn't cheat and becomes willing to do anything you require to gain proof she didn't cheat.

 

 

Stop being weak man, she's still controlling this which means she likely did cheat.

 

Take her for that poly. Ask her if she has ever cheated while she's been with you.

 

If you have kids get them DNA tested.

 

You want to be with her so badly that your not requiring her to earn your trust back.

[BluesPower]

I didnt notice anything that suggested it had to be a surprise? 70% accuracy is what it is, definately room for false positives, and nervousness would be a natural response whether you prepared for it or not. I dont know how a poly works, or what exact questions to ask, because i would have never thought to do it in the first place, but she will not have the questions beforehand to prepare for. I will talk to the company and see what they suggest, if anything.

 

BluesPower, I appreciate you weighing in, but I’ve seen you respond to other people’s posts as well and its always the same jive: “she definitely had sex, she def still lying, divorce immediately idiot” Realistic posibility, but not very productive given the lack of evidence that even I have. I will never stand for anything physical, but i am also thinking of my family as well. She has every reason to lie, but it doesnt mean she is about everything.

 

Any suggestions on questions to ask during a poly based on your experiences? Thanks.

 

You know what... if you take the time to actually read all the thousands of threads, guess what...

 

I HAVE BE RIGHT EVERY SINGLE TIME.

 

Do the reading, and you will see that I have call these situations correct not only every time, but before everyone else was willing to chime in and agree.

 

Sorry for upsetting your apple cart, but you are foolish is you believe the your wife is not sleeping around...

 

Good luck...

[TheRainbow]

BluesPower, I appreciate you weighing in, but I’ve seen you respond to other people’s posts as well and its always the same jive: “she definitely had sex, she def still lying, divorce immediately idiot” Realistic posibility, but not very productive given the lack of evidence that even I have. I will never stand for anything physical, but i am also thinking of my family as well. She has every reason to lie, but it doesnt mean she is about everything.

 

 

I think most of what he says is 100% on. I lied a lot to my husband and only gave him half-truths or flat out lies all together. He also didn't blow smoke up my a** regarding my situation either. I read your post and I as a cheating woman in my own marriage 100% bet that she is having more than an emotional affair.

[carhill]

OP, at the risk of reiteration, does your wife have a history of lying? Lying about money, lying about where she is and what she's doing, lying about the kids, lying about shopping, lying about xxx?? Does she lie and say she likes your mother?

 

If she's creative with the truth in general, then expect it here. If she's proven to be a straight shooter, expect it, in general. With infidelity there's always room for trickle truth but once the door is open, her natural style will rule. A good psychologist could pull it right out of her, if not directly then by reaction. Psychs that deal with infidelity and abuse are really sharp. They've seen it all.

 

One last question, apologies if already asked and answered.... does your wife, in general, supplicate to your authority? Does she clearly voice her own strong opinion or go along to get along?

 

ETA, technically she's already had a PA because she had physical, and even ostensibly close physical, contact with the man while harboring the emotional state she has regarding him and their other than physical contact. What remains is was the PA sexual, as in PIV/genital contact, etc.

Edited June 14, 2018 by carhill