Finding strength to break the addiction

[brokenandhopeless]

I relate to your words so much. I live in that same fear that I know the the day is coming where he walks, ghosts, just suddenly disappears. I fear how I will handle that rejection/abandonment. I’m working in IC how I don’t need validation of others to be happy. Because lately it seems I rely on his validation. I don’t want to need him. I don’t need him. But I seem to convince myself that I do.

 

And then I think about who I am in this. The woman in the A. I think of the wife I have become (not much of a wife). And that sends me in another direction of fear. Fear of who I am, who I have become.

 

I think MizzLayta is right, our breaking point hasn’t been reached. We seem to know what’s the right course to take. I am catatonic with fear.

 

Oh you speak my mind about my thoughts of being a not-so-great wife and fear. You could have been me typing. Yup validation..I kept repeating to myself today over and over again that I can't derive happiness from his texts and that is too much a burden to place on him..for him to be the source of my highs. Plus I have to find it from within me. All textbook theory but in practice...that's another story.

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you Vivir for all that you have written. I almost feel that I need an accountability partner for me to turn to often during the day to stop myself. The only times I can keep away and not think about him are when I travel but then again, I can't keep travelling endlessly. I swear, before smartphones and when there was just plain old texting, I used to easily ignore him because we couldn't see other online etc.

 

It's not that I text him during the day, no. But it's the endless thinking about him and why he hasn't texted me yet for the day. Sometimes I will text him and instantly delete so he doesn't see it. That way I feel like I have given in to the urge and at the same time, I try to get out of it. Gee whiz sounds pretty bad as I type this so I am actually laughing as I type this because it sounds insanely absurd.

 

If a friend were going through this I'd be like "What are you NUTS?" Except I can't seem to tell myself that.

 

Yup, I bit off more than I could chew.

 

Wow, you have done your research!

 

I've thought about reading self-help books etc as you say but I don't know how to do it without my H finding out. It's almost like I need something to engage me every single second to obliterate thoughts of him.

 

I even tried the MEND app. May be I will hunt for an app that I can sort of check into when I have the urge and something that helps me stay the course. Or I bet, we can all come up with one and we'd be millionaires . I am not trying to be funny funny but it all sounds hysterically absurd.

[brokenandhopeless]

BrokenandHopeless and Grasshopper, we are all 3 in the exact same boat. MW involved with MM who we know full well have no intention of leaving their spouses, with whom there is no future, knowing full well that NC is the only way to go yet not really wanting to or being able to stick to that. Hating ourselves for all of this, for allowing somebody who clearly is not giving us what we deserve, and our all-encompassing obsession with that person, to literally destroy our lives. Don't have much advice except to say I am right there with you.

 

Yup, you, grass-hopper, and I need to come up with a plan/app/book to be future role models! Sorry you are still in the same situation though. My thoughts are with you.

[Daisy2013]

I should also add that these married men staying married or not has nothing whatsoever to do with any of your worth. The likeliest scenario is that they have *already* weighed it all out (without your knowledge, of course), and it doesn't make sense to leave their intact lives for someone or something uncertain.

 

At best, these men were serious to some degree about the possibilty of divorce at the beginning of your affairs. At worst, they carelessly and selfishly took advantage of their wives trust in them AND made a decision to mess off in someone else's life - most of the time by lying and manipulating the other person, sometimes because the other person is in waaay over her head and naive. Some men and some women angle to be in affairs; I am not really referring to them.

 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned while processing my thoughts and emotions and coming to terms with my own questionable behavior has been about responsibility and care in dealing with others feelings. It is irresponsible not to take care and consider possible consequences to our actions and/or behavior before we take action. If people are deriving something from an affair at their own expense, it is detrimental to them... it means they are not cut out for the affair life. If your affair partner knows it hurts you, and they won't stop, their happiness is more important to them than your pain. They will deflect by saying that it is your responsibility to stop under these circumstances (and they are correct), BUT as an adult they STILL have a responsibility to act!

 

Aside from the plethora of people who may have been hurt by this affair, I hurt myself. I did not take care in protecting my own self. And I continue to try to come to terms with that. I have a responsibility to never put myself in anything like this again, and so do all of you who are suffering now.

 

Oh my goodness, this is so true! I will never forget the night MM held me in his arms and asked me if being married to me would be like this. I told him I loved him and I would do my best for him. Five days later, he dumped me for the 1st time, saying he needed to get his life back in order. Then, he called the next day, and we were on and off for 4 years after that.

 

I never did ask him what happened in those 5 days. Did he go home and tell his wife he wanted out...did he go home and think about it? I will never know because I don't want to. I still remember the shirt he was wearing when he dumped me that night. Nowadays, he just claims he should probably just be a loner because women he gets into relationships with always end up hating him. This is wife number 3 and he claims she doesn't like him, so who knows.

[brokenandhopeless]

I've been no contact for a couple of weeks. The only way I get through it honestly is medication. If I don't take it, I don't sleep and I'm a mess all day. Literally. So while I have been able to shut MM out of me and our son's lives, I am not able to hold myself together without meds. Sad but true.

 

Do what you have to do to get it done. MM ghosted me and has abandoned our son. Anyone who is reading this, don't wait for him to leave you. There were times that I was fed up enough, angry enough, sad enough to leave and I didn't. I should have. I let him convince me that no matter what, he wouldn't abandon us. He said it over and over. I stayed, and it's exactly what happened. It was like we never existed and the pain from that is debilitating for me.

 

Leave. Now.

 

Yup I take anti-depressants now and then but don't take them regularly because I am worried I'll never get off them. Funny that I am worried about the effects of medication but not of the debilitating effects of a mental fantasy. You are in a tough situation with a child. Please take care of yourself and your son. You deserve a lot of happiness soon. Anytime you need an ear, I am around. Feel free to PM me. It takes the support of like-minded people I think.

[Bittersweetie]

And it’s easy to hate myself when I am working so hard in IC on loving myself to get out of this vicious cycle.

 

I just wanted to touch on this statement, since I think self-hate is something many OW and MW deal with.

 

For a time I did hate myself for what I did. But I could not hate myself forever; I realized that would just lead down a different destructive path. So I turned my hate toward the choices I made, the person I was at that time.

 

Even today, ten years later, I hate the choices I made. I hate the person I was who made those choices. But I do not hate myself. Does that make sense?

 

I do not like even having this kind of hate in my life, and I am still working through it. But reframe your focus: hate the actions, hate the choices. Do not hate the person, because you are slowly changing, and not remaining the person who made those choices and took those actions.

 

I also want to add...that something that got me past the self-hate was taking steps to improve myself (books, therapy, journaling, etc), doing things to help my husband heal, things like that. Every positive step took me one more step away from the bad choices and the bad person I was. And after many, many steps, I could look back on things I accomplished and feel proud: working through issues, going on a happy trip with my husband, etc. The more I focused on healthy choices, my marriage, healing for both of us, the farther away I was from that pure hate I felt for myself, because I had proof I could change and make healthy choices. It's like rebuilding the wall of love for yourself...you gotta do it brick by brick. But the wall isn't going to build itself, it takes a lot of sweat and tears.

Edited September 12, 2018 by Bittersweetie
Adding another thought

[Mizz Layta]

Brokenandhopeless, so you have been in the affair for four years. Don't let that be a reason to continue in it if it is making you miserable (and it seems to be doing just that).

 

Angelica21 has been active in this thread. I believe her affair lasted TEN years. If you search the posts of Poppy47, I believe she, too, had a NINE-year affair. You can read her many posts about how the end came and went and came and went here on LoveShack... Consider searching for StampDaddy's posts, too. He was an OM and he struggled like CRAZY to get out of his affair. One of my favorites to read has been by Lady2163; she actually lied to her xMM about having a boyfriend to get him to end the affair. She claimed to have ended the affair for his own good... and she made that "boyfriend" up out of thin air. You can read posts by Hope_Shimmers. If my memory serves me right, she had an years-long affair with a friend and it took her many years to get over it. Others have gotten pregnant. Some suffered the death of the MM's baby... and the MM wasn't there for them... just swept the pregnancies under the rug... {snip}

 

 

I noticed some women have been in long term affairs too. I just couldn't see myself being in an affair for years..it's just too painful. Perhaps these women were getting something out of these affairs for them to sustained for this long ? In my case it was just sex and MM wasn't willing to do anything outside the bedroom of fear of being caught. He wouldn't do anything outside his normal routine either because he didn't want to raise any suspicion at home. I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship which made it easier over time to stick to my decision.

 

On the other hand , some OW are also Married or in relationship themselves which makes it easier to stay in an Affair compared to us single females who have the endure the stretches between meetings, not texting at night or on holidays, not getting all of his time and attention .We typically don't actually enjoy the affair as an affair and would like for it to be a regular relationship...so there is simply more frustration, more compromising of self often etc.

 

But in their case, it goes both ways equally. They have family to tend to, and can't give him all their attention either. I believe the OP is married to ?..so they might not feel like they are wasting their time since they have no intention of leaving their comfort , then they don't want more than an affair, and the cake-eating is two-way, her and her MM

 

As for me , what finally made me snap out of it was my age. I'm 33 and don't want to waste of last good years on dead end affair. I just looked at this way, being in this unhealthy toxic situation 5 years from now or being at better place emotionally and open up to an available man? I knew staying with him will prevent me form moving on and will gaining the possibility to actually form a real relationship with a single available man person .

 

I was with xMM for over a year until I reached my breaking point. I went in with expectations that he was leaving but eventually it became clear that he has no intentions of leaving. How long where with your MM Vivir?

Edited September 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Vivir]

Mizz Layta, to answer your question, I had been involved with xMM for almost eight months before I really started questioning things. I originally went no contact at 12 months and stayed NC for 2 months. After that, it was push-pull until the 24th month... so from start to actual finish, we were involved for two full years.

 

I didn't move as quickly as you did, and I had to slowly (and painfully) come to the same realizations you did. In fact, I could've written most of your post...

[brokenandhopeless]

I just wanted to touch on this statement, since I think self-hate is something many OW and MW deal with.

 

For a time I did hate myself for what I did. But I could not hate myself forever; I realized that would just lead down a different destructive path. So I turned my hate toward the choices I made, the person I was at that time.

 

Even today, ten years later, I hate the choices I made. I hate the person I was who made those choices. But I do not hate myself. Does that make sense?

 

I do not like even having this kind of hate in my life, and I am still working through it. But reframe your focus: hate the actions, hate the choices. Do not hate the person, because you are slowly changing, and not remaining the person who made those choices and took those actions.

 

I also want to add...that something that got me past the self-hate was taking steps to improve myself (books, therapy, journaling, etc), doing things to help my husband heal, things like that. Every positive step took me one more step away from the bad choices and the bad person I was. And after many, many steps, I could look back on things I accomplished and feel proud: working through issues, going on a happy trip with my husband, etc. The more I focused on healthy choices, my marriage, healing for both of us, the farther away I was from that pure hate I felt for myself, because I had proof I could change and make healthy choices. It's like rebuilding the wall of love for yourself...you gotta do it brick by brick. But the wall isn't going to build itself, it takes a lot of sweat and tears.

 

You have some wise words here. I, of course, hate myself for the choices I made with my eyes wide open. I think that is contributing further to the downward spiral.

[brokenandhopeless]

I noticed some women have been in long term affairs too. I just couldn't see myself being in an affair for years..it's just too painful. Perhaps these women were getting something out of these affairs for them to sustained for this long ? In my case it was just sex and MM wasn't willing to do anything outside the bedroom of fear of being caught. He wouldn't do anything outside his normal routine either because he didn't want to raise any suspicion at home. I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship which made it easier over time to stick to my decision.<snip>

 

I hope Miss Layta and Vivir, I reach my breaking point pretty darn soon because these stupid choices of mine are simply NOT... WORKING... OUT for me or my family. God I've been trying my darnest to stay busy yet failing.

Edited September 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Hurtingmuch]

Today, I am having a hard time with my addiction to the OM. I find that I get like this, if I am bored and tired of my life. I have been doing really good in doing NC and focusing on a lot of things, just so I don’t think about him. But last night, I had a fight with my husband and I just can’t stop myself from crying a lot today. I want to shake it off but it just won’t go away. The amount of how much I miss the other man, is almost the same as my heartache with my marriage, right now. I feel so desperate to get that little happiness that I used to be getting from the OM. I am in so much pain, right now. I wish that I could just sleep it off and wake-up feeling better.

[jah526]

Today, I am having a hard time with my addiction to the OM. I find that I get like this, if I am bored and tired of my life. I have been doing really good in doing NC and focusing on a lot of things, just so I don’t think about him. But last night, I had a fight with my husband and I just can’t stop myself from crying a lot today. I want to shake it off but it just won’t go away. The amount of how much I miss the other man, is almost the same as my heartache with my marriage, right now. I feel so desperate to get that little happiness that I used to be getting from the OM. I am in so much pain, right now. I wish that I could just sleep it off and wake-up feeling better.

 

I’ve been thinking about this today, and I think it’s good to identify the triggers as you’ve done. For me it’s the same, when I’m feeling bad about myself is when I’m most triggered. Which is ironic because he isn’t someone who made me feel better about myself, although there were moments when I got a bit of comfort and maybe escape being with him. I think that’s what we’re craving, the escape, the momentary approval, even though in a larger sense we can see it’s bad for us.

[Vivir]

It is definitely a great idea to realize the things that might trigger us, how we respond to certain triggers, AND to remind ourselves that 'This is a trigger, roll with the pain and anger and sadness, and it will eventually pass.'

 

A couple of Sundays ago, I got triggered just by watching a young couple walk up to a nice house! They could've been brother and sister for goodness sake! But no. I was triggered and stayed that way for several hours.

 

What stopped the trigger was me focusing on something else benign... I did it without even really thinking about it... like focusing on where this new Predator film fits into the canon (this is just an example from this weekend, but I'm being serious)

[Crazelnut]

I know this is probably going to be an unpopular post, but I'm going to type it out anyway. If this is an addiction, which I also believe, we have to look at it as an addiction. What would we be saying if this was drugs or alcohol? The bottom line is that you have to WANT to conquer the addiction. I'm just not seeing much of that in this thread. Acknowledging your self loathing and misery isn't the same thing as wanting it to stop. I honestly don't think you really want it to stop. I think you are deriving some pleasure from the wallowing and self hatred, and because of that, you aren't really trying to break the addiction.

[Ronco]

I do think it's somewhat like an addiction but I also see that time and staying busy helps. I'm a widow but still think about my ex who has a gf and who I have been NC with for about 3 weeks now (I saw him last month). I relieve the feeling of wanting to reach out by staying busy and calling friends when I get really sad and tempted to call. Also, I'm looking to make myself happier with therapy and starting to try to date. I am sure that once I meet someone I'm into, the feelings of wanting to call my ex will subside.

[Jane Deaux]

I honestly don't think you really want it to stop. I think you are deriving some pleasure from the wallowing and self hatred, and because of that, you aren't really trying to break the addiction.

 

 

I don't think its the desire or pleasure from the wallowing and self hatred. I believe its just an inability to let go of the possibility of the AP. There is still a lingering desire for them and for there to be a REAL relationship. And the misery and wallowing is just another aspect and nature of this. Until the love is gone you cannot help that flicker of hope or desire that you could have the person you love. Most people do not enjoy the heartbreak that comes along with it. But can't let go of the hope either. Not until the love is gone.

[Ronco]

I don't think its the desire or pleasure from the wallowing and self hatred. I believe its just an inability to let go of the possibility of the AP. There is still a lingering desire for them and for there to be a REAL relationship. And the misery and wallowing is just another aspect and nature of this. Until the love is gone you cannot help that flicker of hope or desire that you could have the person you love. Most people do not enjoy the heartbreak that comes along with it. But can't let go of the hope either. Not until the love is gone.

 

I agree with this - it's the lingering hope, which is why when someone new comes along that you have strong feelings for, much of that desire and hope and feeling goes away. Because you don't need the hope, as you have something new that you want.

[brokenandhopeless]

I don't think its the desire or pleasure from the wallowing and self hatred. I believe its just an inability to let go of the possibility of the AP. There is still a lingering desire for them and for there to be a REAL relationship. And the misery and wallowing is just another aspect and nature of this. Until the love is gone you cannot help that flicker of hope or desire that you could have the person you love. Most people do not enjoy the heartbreak that comes along with it. But can't let go of the hope either. Not until the love is gone.

 

Bingo Jane Deaux!

 

Crazelnut: Thank you for your perspective. Well taken. However, if you asked me if I found happiness in the wallowing/self-hatred vs. actually having the chance with somebody I love, believe you me, it would be the latter situation I would want. WANTING to conquer is so different and harder than actually being able to. But, I get what you mean. Thank you.

[brokenandhopeless]

Sorry to rant here but I am actually in tears now at the hopelessness of it all, the misery/heartbreak, a marriage that is more like 2 roommates raising kids....yada yada yada.

[Jane Deaux]

Broken, I haven't read your entire story. Are you married with no way to divorce at the moment?

 

 

* I just went back and read some.

 

This advice may have already been offered. But is there no way to decipher if a divorce is what you really need? So you can find someone to find the same love for xMM? A roommate marriage is very very unfulfilling in life and will only lead to more heartbreak of different kinds and possibly another affair. Even if it were a single guy.

Edited September 24, 2018 by Jane Deaux

[brokenandhopeless]

Jane Deaux: I don't know if divorce is the right path and I've been thinking about it quite a bit the last 2-3 years. Of course divorce would just be for me. MM is happily married. Plus I don't want to hold hope that I will find the love and passion I so crave in life post-divorce. If I divorce, it would have to be with the full understanding that life may throw me a partner or may not and I may be single. My H loves me (or so he says) but is unable to communicate or be demonstrative. I just strongly desire for a man to want to hold me and love me and show me. And I am trying to seek that in MM who is just a fantasy.

[Poppy's sister]

broken...i haven't been on this site for several years now.

But I am back , trying to find comfort and help in processing my own situation

I read your thread and the very good posts from Vivir and Angelica

How are you doing ?

What i find the hardest is the suggestions that we re-focus on our husbands and when you put the energy and attention into that then you find them fulfils you again.

I basically dont want my marriage to be renewed, my husband checked out 10 yrs ago and over the years i tried to make him want me, do something about this etc and he didnt and i met MM and now 7 years into an affair , i just feel stuck

I know i should break it too..it is indeed an addiction , but more than that it is the fantasy of something else, a different life, giving up that dream is the hardest thing for me. My MM i have been through a d-day and still continued, we always knew it was going to be tough, we wanted a future together but wanted to stay in our homes/marriages for our children ( i know not great idea perhaps) but i cannot continue to just have crumbs of a relationship, even if it has a long term outcome.

I do not have any wise words or helpful advice, just wanted to say you are not alone

[brokenandhopeless]

Hi Poppy's Sister. I owe you an update. Will get to it in a couple of days since I've been dealing with work issues. Apologies for the delay. Situation is meh overall. Will post and thank you for thinking about me.

[ABernie]

Brokenandhopeless, so you have been in the affair for four years. Don't let that be a reason to continue in it if it is making you miserable (and it seems to be doing just that).

<SNIP>

 

I wrote A LOT here... I really, really, really hope it is helping

 

What a wealth of info in here that I need to go back and look at. Thank you for putting this all out there.

Edited October 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
no need to quote whole large post

[brokenandhopeless]

broken...i haven't been on this site for several years now.

But I am back , trying to find comfort and help in processing my own situation

I read your thread and the very good posts from Vivir and Angelica

How are you doing ?

What i find the hardest is the suggestions that we re-focus on our husbands and when you put the energy and attention into that then you find them fulfils you again.

I basically dont want my marriage to be renewed, my husband checked out 10 yrs ago and over the years i tried to make him want me, do something about this etc and he didnt and i met MM and now 7 years into an affair , i just feel stuck

I know i should break it too..it is indeed an addiction , but more than that it is the fantasy of something else, a different life, giving up that dream is the hardest thing for me. My MM i have been through a d-day and still continued, we always knew it was going to be tough, we wanted a future together but wanted to stay in our homes/marriages for our children ( i know not great idea perhaps) but i cannot continue to just have crumbs of a relationship, even if it has a long term outcome.

I do not have any wise words or helpful advice, just wanted to say you are not alone

 

Hi Poppy's Sister: Thank you for your kind words. Mentally I go through weeks of being strong and not being strong. The last 2-3 weeks I didn't contact him much but he has been contacting me. However, I have been working hard on reminding myself that he is married and he often does tell me he is going to be spending the evening with his wife etc, etc. It is, of course, very evident that he loves her and I am just an FWB. Also he is going through certain life events (losing job shortly etc.) that is going to cause him to ghost me anyway. I know it's coming for sure. Plus, he and I live on different coasts and I've seen him just a handful of times in 2 decades. So it's all just a fantasy in my head for sure the last 4 years and it's a one-way street with a dead-end. He is very clear that this is just fun with a friend and there are no attachments for him. I am the fool.

 

I have for sure checked out of my marriage. I've been having thoughts of separation/divorce the last 2-3 weeks. What I am trying to think through these days is if my marriage will ever rejuvenate...?

 

I don't know what else to say except the last 2 weeks i have been strong and not reaching out from my end. Of course, I have been responding to him so may be I am getting my attention anyway. I'll keep you posted. I hope you fare MUCH, MUCH better than me.

Edited October 5, 2018 by brokenandhopeless