Finding strength to break the addiction

[klve]

Truth be told, the hardest part I have in all this, even after 2 decades, is that I didn't get to marry him or be with him. I somehow hold him on a pedestal because he has all that I look for in a guy. He of course, made the choice to marry somebody else.

 

I just have to say This is me you are describing here. This is what I think is the hardest part and I don´t understand when he did not want me back then why is he risking his marriage now.

[Littlenana]

Broken and hopeless,

 

 

I hope you are doing better. Just encourage you I am now on day 16 NC and I see a tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I have managed to change my phone numbers and block on all emails both work and personal. I don't want to lie it hurts like being skinned alive, but I look forward to better days. I am trying to keep busy and I see a bit of change. I hope you consider going brutally NC to be able to process everything and map way forward. It is hell I have dreams of him, nightmares you name it. But I consider all this as part of the process to a better place. I still have so many unanswered questions and have had no closure whatsoever but I do not intend to break NC. For all I've learnt closure is acquired from within and not from MM. So here's to better days. Gentle baby steps....

[CKJD]

OP, if you want your marriage back you're going to have to fess up and risk whatever consequences come your way.

 

Plain and simple. There will be no intimacy in your marriage with all that guilt in the way.

 

In any case, you have stop making excuses for your situation. No more "Karma is gonna get me but I just can't stop" self-deception. You simply can't afford to dramatise your situation anymore. You are lying to your husband. No gray area. All black and white. Fess up and see how your life will improve in the coming months, whatever the outcome.

 

Please. You and he will be so much better off.

 

Also screw (not literally) this married man. He's garbage.

[brokenandhopeless]

Yes it has been a tough challenge for me as well and the most humbling part is that I put myself in it. I could have avoided it. If I was smarter. If I had better self esteem. If I loved myself.

 

I too am also always waiting and wondering when he is going to leave. And it makes me anxious and scared. And I hope the fear and anticipation of that abandonment is worse than when that time actually comes. I also want to try to pull myself out but I can’t seem to go NC. I guess it’s not that I can’t. I suppose I’m not ready. But I want to be ready. I want to have faith in myself that I will get through this. Because I know it’s the most unhealthy thing I am doing to myself and my family.

 

If you don’t mind I’m going to just hop on to the words Angelica21 is offering.

 

Have a good weekend

 

Sorry it took me a while to respond. Was swamped with some deadlines at work and now it will ease up. You should definitely hop on Angelica21's words! Some solid advice there. I can relate to every single word of yours.

[brokenandhopeless]

I just have to say This is me you are describing here. This is what I think is the hardest part and I don´t understand when he did not want me back then why is he risking his marriage now.

 

My MM is not risking his marriage at all. He is happily married but uses me for benefits...except I am emotionally attached which I can never tell him. He has made that part clear, it's just fun and nothing more though he will throw me a curveball every so often with a friendly "i love you" and I sort of fall for that though my rational mind (which is rational just a few seconds every so often) knows better.

 

I don't for a moment doubt that he will drop me like a hot potato if his wife found out or if some other life events that I think are going to happen, play out, he is going to definitely not keep me top of his list to be in touch. I am the silly one here with the problem.

 

Oh dear, this is HAAARD!

[brokenandhopeless]

Broken and hopeless,

 

 

I hope you are doing better. Just encourage you I am now on day 16 NC and I see a tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I have managed to change my phone numbers and block on all emails both work and personal. I don't want to lie it hurts like being skinned alive, but I look forward to better days. I am trying to keep busy and I see a bit of change. I hope you consider going brutally NC to be able to process everything and map way forward. It is hell I have dreams of him, nightmares you name it. But I consider all this as part of the process to a better place. I still have so many unanswered questions and have had no closure whatsoever but I do not intend to break NC. For all I've learnt closure is acquired from within and not from MM. So here's to better days. Gentle baby steps....

 

Sorry LittleNana for the late reply. Was swamped with work. I am so proud of you! I hope you stay the course. You know the last week or so, I was so busy with work that I forgot all about him and today, now that my deadlines are done, I am back to the longing. I think he may be filling some sort of void for me. For example, the work related things were unavoidable. had-to-do tasks. so I was super busy and didn't think about him. Now that they are done, if I try to keep myself busy with other tasks to not think about him, I am not so successful because these tasks are not important/are fungible and I know are things that I am CHOOSING to do vs. work tasks that HAD to be done and hence kept me busy.

 

yup I give up on any closure. This much I know, I gave it my heart and soul and there is no more blood to wring out of the stone. I couldn't have tried harder than this. Now I need to focus on my marriage and kids and see what I need to do.

 

Please be strong and let me know how you are doing. I wish you the very best and I hope things are going well.

[Mizz Layta]

BrokenandHopelss ,I understand how hard it is to stick to NC.I ended my A over a month ago and the only thing that has helped me to stick to NC was blocking his number.Ofcourse he texted couple times and was tempted to respond but I knew that would set me back to square one. So I decided to just block him so that way they won't be any temptation to slip back into the A

 

Why can't you block him ? Is there a part of you that enjoys the fact that he continues to contact you?If you really want to go NC then block him and stop leaving yourself open to his communication.

[brokenandhopeless]

Mizz Layta: Yes truth be told I enjoy connecting with him and we go back almost 2 decades. He is bad for me at the same time. And the part that is even tougher is, other than naughty stuff, we talk about other life things: cars, philosophy, DIY stuff etc.

 

I almost wish, yes, I could keep the "friendship" but without the emotional attachment from my end..I wish I could just disconnect the emotion piece. Actually, the emotional attachment from my end was triggered just 4 years ago. Prior to that, when we stayed in touch and communicated say once or twice a year over 10-15 years, I had no emotional attachment and I didn't even care if he was going to drop off the face of earth and I wouldn't connect with him again. So this neediness from my end is recent and it's that emotional rollercoaster/yo-yo that is driving me insane.

 

I have been taking baby steps to not think about him so much... I've started volunteering at school, working more with the kids, cooking more etc. Anything to keep my mind busy.

Edited September 7, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[grass-hopper]

the emotional attachment is the worst for me too. I rationalize in my head why he isn’t worth any of the love i give him. But I’m in too deep. And I can’t understand why I can’t get out. Today has been extremely difficult for me and I’m not even NC. We just aren’t speaking this weekend because I’m out of town at a funeral. I can’t imagine what it will be like when NC happens.

[brokenandhopeless]

That's exactly it grass-hopper. I feel I am in too deep emotionally. I just wish I could numb myself, not think at all, leave all expectations and sort of have a blank mind. My mind racing in all these directions and this loop is debilitating. It's going to be a tough weekend for me and I am already dreading the work week when the urge to contact comes. I KNOW for sure this is going to end because he is going to ghost me or discard me. I KNOW it is coming, I don't know when, but I am trying to get ahead of it.

 

I've cried myself to sleep the last 2 days and so far today, it's been tears just generally thinking about the state I am in, MM/H what not. Anyway, I have to find the strength and power to snap out of it. I just lack that at this point, that strength to stay the course and pull myself out. I just have deep admiration today for all of you that did it and stayed the course. That has to be the greatest display of resilience.

[Mizz Layta]

Mizz Layta: Yes truth be told I enjoy connecting with him and we go back almost 2 decades. He is bad for me at the same time. And the part that is even tougher is, other than naughty stuff, we talk about other life things: cars, philosophy, DIY stuff etc.

 

I almost wish, yes, I could keep the "friendship" but without the emotional attachment from my end..I wish I could just disconnect the emotion piece. Actually, the emotional attachment from my end was triggered just 4 years ago. Prior to that, when we stayed in touch and communicated say once or twice a year over 10-15 years, I had no emotional attachment and I didn't even care if he was going to drop off the face of earth and I wouldn't connect with him again. So this neediness from my end is recent and it's that emotional rollercoaster/yo-yo that is driving me insane.

 

I have been taking baby steps to not think about him so much... I've started volunteering at school, working more with the kids, cooking more etc. Anything to keep my mind busy.

 

As an addiction , you have to treat it as such. You can't take baby steps ...just like a drug addict can't successfully quit by reducing the amount of drugs they take slowly .Cold turkey is the only way. I know easier said than done. I'm struggling myself with NC too but I reached a point where being in A or even in contact with him is more painful and reminder that he isn't mine and belongs to another woman

 

 

You just haven't reached your limit or breaking point yet

Edited September 9, 2018 by Mizz Layta

[grass-hopper]

That's exactly it grass-hopper. I feel I am in too deep emotionally. I just wish I could numb myself, not think at all, leave all expectations and sort of have a blank mind. My mind racing in all these directions and this loop is debilitating. It's going to be a tough weekend for me and I am already dreading the work week when the urge to contact comes. I KNOW for sure this is going to end because he is going to ghost me or discard me. I KNOW it is coming, I don't know when, but I am trying to get ahead of it.

 

I've cried myself to sleep the last 2 days and so far today, it's been tears just generally thinking about the state I am in, MM/H what not. Anyway, I have to find the strength and power to snap out of it. I just lack that at this point, that strength to stay the course and pull myself out. I just have deep admiration today for all of you that did it and stayed the course. That has to be the greatest display of resilience.

 

I relate to your words so much. I live in that same fear that I know the the day is coming where he walks, ghosts, just suddenly disappears. I fear how I will handle that rejection/abandonment. I’m working in IC how I don’t need validation of others to be happy. Because lately it seems I rely on his validation. I don’t want to need him. I don’t need him. But I seem to convince myself that I do.

 

And then I think about who I am in this. The woman in the A. I think of the wife I have become (not much of a wife). And that sends me in another direction of fear. Fear of who I am, who I have become.

 

I think MizzLayta is right, our breaking point hasn’t been reached. We seem to know what’s the right course to take. I am catatonic with fear.

[Vivir]

I wish there were some words I could say to convey that the things you all feel that are so HARD or painful or the VOID the MM is (temporarily) filling are the very things you'll have to face head on in order to get OUT of your affairs and STAY OUT of your affairs. The dire FEAR is enough to turn one back. Ask me how I know.

 

I know. I swear, I do. And I wouldn't go back; I just couldn't. It hurts so bad. The gulf I have crossed from where you all are to where I am now is filled with so much strife, I wouldn't even accept PAYMENT to cross it again, and God knows I need to repair a high dollar item outside my home...

 

It is September 2018. Where do you all want to be in September 2019?

This is the question I asked myself last year.

I knew I wanted to be in a place where the MM couldn't find me if he lazily drove to what used to be my humble abode. There were also some things I wanted for ME that had nothing at all to do with him. And he wasn't in a position anyway to help me achieve anything viable for my life. AND he had done many of those things I wanted to do for myself with his WIFE... as he should...

 

But I digress.

 

Let's talk about pain, fear, despair, resentment...a void... I gave up my lover.

 

I suffer from loneliness. I have few friends and family. I can go days without having a substantive conversation. I have no potential dates lined up (in fact, I turned down a guy who asked for my number just yesterday). I'm not ready... I don't know if I'll ever have sex again.

 

Still, with EXTREME fear and sadness and very low self-esteem, I completely gave up my lover a year ago (literally, on Labor Day) after a few false starts.

 

Like you all, I came to varying degrees of readiness. And even when I did it, I wasn't totally ready... I just kept deciding on a DAILY basis at first that I would not contact him and I would not accept contact from him. Blocking him hurt him, and that made me cry.

 

He knew how I felt, even though he tried to ignore it by acting as if nothing had been said... but I didn't write him any long letter or sob all over his suit about it... I knew for a fact I could not actually SEE him, because being in the same space with him would lead directly to sex. So, I REFUSED to see him. At first, refusing him made me cry.

 

I just kept deciding. And sometimes, I had to sit on my hands. I cried and clamored, even though these days that stuff has calmed down. But even this week I got triggered and became ANGRY. There are so many emotions and beliefs I have had to work through... It has been a type of hell.

 

Over this anniversary of sorts, I have been quite sad and quite angry... reading these boards sometimes triggers me, but I still come and try to help.

 

I hope that the few minutes it might've taken you all to read this post has helped to give you that short time just to breathe. Your lives are short. They should be spent living in as much happiness as you all can conjure up.

[brokenandhopeless]

Mizz Layta, grass-hopper and Vivir, will respond in a day or two.

 

Mizz Layta and Vivir: Wow..I wish I could tap into the inner reservoir like you folks.

[Wildflower201]

I've been no contact for a couple of weeks. The only way I get through it honestly is medication. If I don't take it, I don't sleep and I'm a mess all day. Literally. So while I have been able to shut MM out of me and our son's lives, I am not able to hold myself together without meds. Sad but true.

 

Do what you have to do to get it done. MM ghosted me and has abandoned our son. Anyone who is reading this, don't wait for him to leave you. There were times that I was fed up enough, angry enough, sad enough to leave and I didn't. I should have. I let him convince me that no matter what, he wouldn't abandon us. He said it over and over. I stayed, and it's exactly what happened. It was like we never existed and the pain from that is debilitating for me.

 

Leave. Now.

Edited September 11, 2018 by Wildflower201

[Vivir]

I should also add that these married men staying married or not has nothing whatsoever to do with any of your worth. The likeliest scenario is that they have *already* weighed it all out (without your knowledge, of course), and it doesn't make sense to leave their intact lives for someone or something uncertain.

 

At best, these men were serious to some degree about the possibilty of divorce at the beginning of your affairs. At worst, they carelessly and selfishly took advantage of their wives trust in them AND made a decision to mess off in someone else's life - most of the time by lying and manipulating the other person, sometimes because the other person is in waaay over her head and naive. Some men and some women angle to be in affairs; I am not really referring to them.

 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned while processing my thoughts and emotions and coming to terms with my own questionable behavior has been about responsibility and care in dealing with others feelings. It is irresponsible not to take care and consider possible consequences to our actions and/or behavior before we take action. If people are deriving something from an affair at their own expense, it is detrimental to them... it means they are not cut out for the affair life. If your affair partner knows it hurts you, and they won't stop, their happiness is more important to them than your pain. They will deflect by saying that it is your responsibility to stop under these circumstances (and they are correct), BUT as an adult they STILL have a responsibility to act!

 

Aside from the plethora of people who may have been hurt by this affair, I hurt myself. I did not take care in protecting my own self. And I continue to try to come to terms with that. I have a responsibility to never put myself in anything like this again, and so do all of you who are suffering now.

[Vivir]

At best, these men were serious to some degree about the possibilty of divorce at the beginning of your affairs. At worst, they carelessly and selfishly took advantage of their wives trust in them AND made a decision to mess off in someone else's life - most of the time by lying and manipulating the other person, sometimes because the other person is in waaay over her head and naive. Some men and some women angle to be in affairs; I am not really referring to them.

 

I am back to clarify my point here... some people don't care about the feelings of others AT ALL - not enough to refrain from having an affair. Some people think that their responsibility ends when they tell you an affair is all they are looking for and if you take what's on offer then that is on you. I am arguing that as adults, especially as married adults, they have a responsibility to protect themselves and their spouses from the damage that an affair can bring into their marriage. At the same time, single people are responsible for protecting themselves from such damage...

 

Also... the people who angle to get into affairs are not posting so much. They are not worried about what people think; they are happy with their situations. I do not wish to admonish grown folk or tell them how to live their lives; my hope is to help those who "bit off more than they could chew" or got in over their own heads thinking they knew what they were getting into and want to get out of it.

 

I can be long-winded forgive me please.

[brokenandhopeless]

Please keep post Vivir. Long or short, it's nice to get perspective. I am so maad uhh (at myself). I know, I know I should BLOCK him. I've been staying away actually and not initiating much contact from my end. He texts me when he has downed a couple of glasses over the weekend and says he loves me. Then he texts me yesterday asking me to forget all that because it was all in a drunken stupor and he doesn't remember what he told me. Sorry, just venting here.

[brokenandhopeless]

As an addiction , you have to treat it as such. You can't take baby steps ...just like a drug addict can't successfully quit by reducing the amount of drugs they take slowly .Cold turkey is the only way. I know easier said than done. I'm struggling myself with NC too but I reached a point where being in A or even in contact with him is more painful and reminder that he isn't mine and belongs to another woman

 

 

You just haven't reached your limit or breaking point yet

 

Yup that's what people have told me. Cold turkey is the only way. Yeah i wonder what is going to make me reach that limit. I am already whining over 4 years of this. I just wish he were a terrible/terrible jerk to make this easier. I know, I am shifting the burden onto him. Like another thread going on here, it seems easier to stay in the A than to quit it sometimes. Good for you Mizz Layta. Hope you pull through this one.

[grass-hopper]

Vivir, your words are wise. They are both hopeful and crushing. Hopeful in the sense that there is hope to overcome this. Crushing to know that it doesn’t go away 100%. Because it seems to still effect you in some way. And I suppose this is the Cross I will have to bear. For the mistakes I have made. For biting off more than I can chew. And I bit off a whole chunk. Because not only am I imposing on another woman’s man. But I have betrayed my own marriage. And then your words come in to play about how we need to be responsible for dealing with others’ feelings. I held onto that statement for a moment as a victim and agreed that MM was cruel and evil for being so careless with my emotions and feelings. Until I realized that I am being careless and irresponsible as well In my marriage. And then i feel shameful. And it’s this constant shame and then feeling sorry for myself that I go through all day. And it’s easy to hate myself when I am working so hard in IC on loving myself to get out of this vicious cycle.

 

Brokenandhopeless i have followed your thread so closely because i identity with you and your situation. I feel a little less alone in a world I walk alone in. Like you I know I need to block. I’ve already made the first step by leaving the job we worked at together. But like your MM, mine also does the whole out of nowhere “I love you” and plays this whole charade about “us” and how he wants us and how he wants to see me and he’ll call and text all day then once he knows he’s got me his game changes and he doesn’t call and becomes cruel. And I lose all my dignity. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m watching from the outside in, wondering where I got lost and what is wrong with me to allow myself to be treated this way and to become the wife I became. Everyday I dislike myself a little more.

 

Again I wish I had some magical words for you to get you to block and NC. But I have faith that you and I can both get to a place we need to be.

Sorry if this seems like a thread jack.

[brokenandhopeless]

grass-hopper, don't worry about thread jack etc. I am glad I have a buddy in this although I wish the circumstances were better for us both. I have to respond to a couple of your posts and am getting through one by one.

[Vivir]

Brokenandhopeless, so you have been in the affair for four years. Don't let that be a reason to continue in it if it is making you miserable (and it seems to be doing just that).

 

Angelica21 has been active in this thread. I believe her affair lasted TEN years. If you search the posts of Poppy47, I believe she, too, had a NINE-year affair. You can read her many posts about how the end came and went and came and went here on LoveShack... Consider searching for StampDaddy's posts, too. He was an OM and he struggled like CRAZY to get out of his affair. One of my favorites to read has been by Lady2163; she actually lied to her xMM about having a boyfriend to get him to end the affair. She claimed to have ended the affair for his own good... and she made that "boyfriend" up out of thin air. You can read posts by Hope_Shimmers. If my memory serves me right, she had an years-long affair with a friend and it took her many years to get over it. Others have gotten pregnant. Some suffered the death of the MM's baby... and the MM wasn't there for them... just swept the pregnancies under the rug...

 

I have read absolutely horrible stories on this site... heart-wrenching and heartbreaking... and then there were posts by Lizzie60, an OW that reminded me of a madame! She was unapologetic and it riled others up.

 

And it took time to let it all go in all of these aforementioned cases. AND these are not the only posters whom have had extended affairs. Seren has written about her friend, a former OW, who waited for years and years and years (and years) for her MM. All the way up to his retirement, she waited. In the end, I believe he used the retirement as an excuse not to leave his wife to be with her...

 

Search posts written by Quiet Storm, a betrayed spouse. I have actually rewritten by hand some of her posts into my journal as a way of searing her words into my brain! So much insight there, I am telling you all!

 

Sometimes, it helps to read the words of former MM on this site. They are there if you look for them. Their words can be eye-opening. BluesPower, of course, and Jenkins95, and DevilInside are just a few of the usernames that come to mind.

 

If you haven't noticed, I have read on this site extensively. I have gone back hundreds of pages and just started reading...

 

I like to tell people, "When we know better, we do better." But I understand that sometimes this is NOT the case. It can be hard to break a (bad) habit; some people say it takes 30 days to start.

 

grasshopper, I was not actually trying to hurt you or anyone with my words. Most of what I share, I either learned or realized here on LoveShack or because I came to the determination based on my experiences. If I can save someone the trouble of having to go down that same road, I will! There are, in fact, quite a few married women whom have posted here that have been both BS and the OW! I keep thinking of ladydesigner, whom had a revenge affair. But there are lots of others who were the waywards. One my favorites, right off the top of my head is MidnightBlue1980... and Bittersweetie... just right off the top of my head. There are MANY others.

 

There is A LOT of insight here. People discuss strategies and updates and you can read all about how they finally ended up and what they did to break the link to their affair partners.

 

It is not a secret that I am still healing. I have actually read that it can take double the time of an affair to get over one. I am so hoping that won't be me! Because that means it will take me another THREE YEARS to get over it completely

 

Now, I have written before about some of the things I have done to help me get through the hard times. I felt much more shame than I felt guilt, though I felt both AND a whole host of other feelings...

 

When I was feeling a great deal of shame, I spent money on the End the Affair coaching session at GoAskSuzie. It was incredibly helpful. I listened to Brene Brown and her talks (and audiobooks) on shame. Very helpful. I also listened to the podcasts and read extensively at the baggage reclaim website.

 

It has NOT been easy, but I fought through it. I swear I did. And I sometimes faltered... and sometimes I got stuck. But not so much now.

 

In all honesty, I truly believe that ending my affair, though it hurt like hell, helped both me and the MM put our focus back where they belonged: mine with myself as a single woman, and his with his wife and family. That thought actually helped me sometimes. That I let him go so that he could get better, too. And I hope he is better. But whether he is or not, I know I am better. And that is what matters.

 

I wrote A LOT here... I really, really, really hope it is helping

[Ronco]

Your experiences and reading these posts have helped me tremendously so thank you. I see lots of struggle and I am so sorry you are all going through this. I am someone who could see myself ending up in a situation like yours, but am backing WAY off before anything starts. Ex bf (who I fooled around with a month ago) told me that he is always available for sex, and I have had NC ever since and plan to not talk with him again. I hope you all are strong and can break the cycle. I am moving far from his web - I could see getting trapped and although I miss him (which is absurd even saying it, sounds crazy to me), I do not want to end up sad and helpless waiting for his calls and missing him in the future. I did that 23 years ago when we were in a relationship and ended it because he couldn't commit. Good luck to you all - stay strong!

[Aloha123]

BrokenandHopeless and Grasshopper, we are all 3 in the exact same boat. MW involved with MM who we know full well have no intention of leaving their spouses, with whom there is no future, knowing full well that NC is the only way to go yet not really wanting to or being able to stick to that. Hating ourselves for all of this, for allowing somebody who clearly is not giving us what we deserve, and our all-encompassing obsession with that person, to literally destroy our lives. Don't have much advice except to say I am right there with you.

[brokenandhopeless]

Your experiences and reading these posts have helped me tremendously so thank you. I see lots of struggle and I am so sorry you are all going through this. I am someone who could see myself ending up in a situation like yours, but am backing WAY off before anything starts. Ex bf (who I fooled around with a month ago) told me that he is always available for sex, and I have had NC ever since and plan to not talk with him again. I hope you all are strong and can break the cycle. I am moving far from his web - I could see getting trapped and although I miss him (which is absurd even saying it, sounds crazy to me), I do not want to end up sad and helpless waiting for his calls and missing him in the future. I did that 23 years ago when we were in a relationship and ended it because he couldn't commit. Good luck to you all - stay strong!

 

RUN FAR AWAY RIGHT NOW:) 20 years ago the same guy married somebody else and is back in my life just wanting sexting. RUN

 

Sorry for the all caps but I am right now puffing my lungs up and screaming so you can hear me and stay NC.