Finding strength to break the addiction

[brokenandhopeless]

 

You are lucky that you and I are not having an affair. Because a man like me would give you extreme pleasure the entire night, and that is not a boast, it is a fact.

 

 

Blues, I am going to respond to you tomorrow on your post. But I just want you to know that this line brought a chuckle..in a good way. I don't doubt it one bit but the matter-of-fact candor just...was...in the moment something that brought a smile to my face.

 

Thank you, as always, for taking the time. It really helps and I am grateful for that.

[lftbehind]

Has he changed??? If he has not then why waste your time? Please don't say "for the kids", because that is crap.

 

There is no excuse for your affair, you chose that. But there is a reason to leave, and have the courage to leave.

 

Listen, I keep up with our stuff, and if there ever was a reason for an affair, which there is not, you might have been one.

 

But when will people learn that at some point it will not work?

 

He's pretty much like he was, but not verbally abusive very often. He is an alcoholic. Our kids are grown and on their own, so that's not an issue.

 

I don't make enough money to live on my own right now and I do care for my husband, but I don't know if I can reconnect with him again. I don't trust him not to hurt me again. I know I've hurt him, too and I do feel bad about it. It's not how I ever thought I'd be.

 

I want to be a better person and I've had multiple A's. It does become sort of addictive, but I need to stop.

 

It's good that you're straightening out your life and have a nice girlfriend and are happy. Was it hard for you to stop having A's?

[BluesPower]

He's pretty much like he was, but not verbally abusive very often. He is an alcoholic. Our kids are grown and on their own, so that's not an issue.

 

I don't make enough money to live on my own right now and I do care for my husband, but I don't know if I can reconnect with him again. I don't trust him not to hurt me again. I know I've hurt him, too and I do feel bad about it. It's not how I ever thought I'd be.

 

I want to be a better person and I've had multiple A's. It does become sort of addictive, but I need to stop.

 

It's good that you're straightening out your life and have a nice girlfriend and are happy. Was it hard for you to stop having A's?

 

In my situation all the screwing around was to make it until I could finally divorce her. It was hard to stop chasing women.

 

I have no guilt about any of that. My wife was worse than your H or any of the spouses that you read about here. I know that sucks.

 

I have guilt issues about being a player jerk and breaking hearts of women that loved me. I was not a good person then. I am better now.

 

Listen, please don't waste your life is you cannot get your marriage on track. Get a job, save money, do whatever to get to a place of happiness.

 

Being there now, I swear the it is a different world living in happiness. It is like nothing else...

[brokenandhopeless]

Broken and Aloha,

 

I was a WW. I have been in your shoes. When sometimes I would think, what the heck am I doing? And other times I'd think, my marriage is this, my husband is that, so I can do what I want. Or the biggest thought I had: It'll be fine, he'll never find out.

 

Adotta had some good points about making changes in oneself. I have no doubt I would be a similar person if I didn't have a d-day. After d-day, I had to directly face the consequences of my actions, by seeing my husband's face go from surprise to anger to disgust on that day and in the weeks afterward. I directly saw how hurtful my selfish actions were and the aftermath of those actions (which is why I ask WWs to consider their Hs, their families).

 

As I mentioned, the changes I made to myself were not easy. I rewrote how I looked at and took in the world. I rewrote my coping mechanisms. I rewrote how I related to my H. It was a lot and took a while. But the work was worth it, I am in a much better place now. I wish I could've gotten here without the pain to my H though. One cannot change the past however, so I've chosen to move forward on the best possible path I can.

 

If you want to PM me feel free.

 

Thanks Bittersweetie. I don't think I responded to this. How did D-day come about for you? Did you choose to do it or was it accidental? Would you say you are at a much better place now and you don't miss MM and the highs/lows?

[brokenandhopeless]

Good grief, you have a lot of fantasies don't you. Sugar, he is not an alpha, he may be handsome, great to talk to, but not alpha.

 

Please don't waste your life like this. You only get one...

 

Blues, responding to this. Thank you for your post. Fantasies, I accept. My rational part agrees with you. It's the emotional/heart that is going astray. For sure yes, he gets ego kibbles from me since I worship him. But for him it is all sex because he fantasizes about multiple women, including some friends.

 

Yeah I don't think my counsellor was great and I should look for another.

 

I have told my H about bad sex but given we are both tired at night and I lack attraction, we don't do much about it...altough I have a physical need. As you rightly state, my state of mind right now is pretty confused and I could easily be taken for a ride (and I am being). I get everything you folks are trying to tell me.

 

My biggest problem is, how do I be strong to stay the course when I have the need to contact and seek attention? How do I convince myself out of this hole? How do I convince myself that my marriage is my priority right now?

 

It's possible that I don't know what romantic love is and I am looking for the shallow highs.

 

How long did it take for you to turn the corner Blues and how did you get propelled to stay the course?

[BluesPower]

Blues, responding to this. Thank you for your post. Fantasies, I accept. My rational part agrees with you. It's the emotional/heart that is going astray. For sure yes, he gets ego kibbles from me since I worship him. But for him it is all sex because he fantasizes about multiple women, including some friends.

 

Yeah I don't think my counsellor was great and I should look for another.

 

I have told my H about bad sex but given we are both tired at night and I lack attraction, we don't do much about it...altough I have a physical need. As you rightly state, my state of mind right now is pretty confused and I could easily be taken for a ride (and I am being). I get everything you folks are trying to tell me.

 

My biggest problem is, how do I be strong to stay the course when I have the need to contact and seek attention? How do I convince myself out of this hole? How do I convince myself that my marriage is my priority right now?

 

It's possible that I don't know what romantic love is and I am looking for the shallow highs.

 

How long did it take for you to turn the corner Blues and how did you get propelled to stay the course?

 

 

Well to answer your last question first. When I did cheat, I was done. It is no excuse, but I was just stuck. I had 3 kids, my wife was a drug addict (Pain med abuse that she kept hidden) and just thought she was crazy, sole bread winner and on and on.

 

At one point I loved her with all my heart, at one point just took care of her, and there was the possibility that she might get custody of the kids.

 

 

It is a super long story, but I did not actually get everything put together in my mind until a few years back.

 

 

It is a totally different story. I had always been good with woman and enjoyed sex, and ever my Ex was not stupid enough to not want to have sex with me, because that I could understand and divorce her.

 

 

So at the end, yeah, I went off the deep end for a while. Frankly my GF kind of straightened me out... I was ready for a relationship, met her an I am happy as a lark.

 

 

In your case, you are not having sex and you deserve to. So I am saying two things to you.

 

 

1) If your husband cannot get his game together sexually and you cannot find some type of attraction to him, then divorce. You don't need to live like that.

 

 

2) The best way to get over the ghost MM, is divorce and find a real man. Or try to fall in love with your husband and work on the sex.

 

 

I really don't see any other options. But really, this semi-emotional affair is just silly. I know it feels real but it is not, and it is not worth messing up your life for.

 

 

You have got to see that...

[brokenandhopeless]

You are right Blues. I need to steel myself. I've just been regressing everytime because the pain of NC is unbearable. The last couple of days he texted me and in a state of stupor said he loved me (most likely in a friendly way). But today he blew me off. There is no good that can come of this. I just need to be strong...somehow. Everytime I feel weak and feel like crying because of the withdrawal from contact, I need to tell myself that if it were meant to be, it would have happened a long time ago. The fleeting highs give me so much joy but the lows are terrible.

 

 

All this would be so much easier if he completely blew me off instead of keeping in touch with me every so often for just sexting...

 

I don't even seek happiness these days....just an even state of mind and peace. Somehow I need to pull myself out of this state that I put myself in. Sorry rambling here...but writing this out helps and knowing somebody may read it !

Edited June 28, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[Maddieandtae]

You don't need sex, sexting or fantasies right now. You need to immediately block this man, tell your Husband something, anything so that the seriousness of the situation you are in is seen clearly by him. If you don't your life is going to go into a free fall where it feels like the bottom while never hit. Believe me when I say this, it absolutely sucks and clawing your way back up is going to be one heck of a struggle....all over some attention because of lack of sex:(

[lftbehind]

In my situation all the screwing around was to make it until I could finally divorce her. It was hard to stop chasing women.

 

I have no guilt about any of that. My wife was worse than your H or any of the spouses that you read about here. I know that sucks.

 

I have guilt issues about being a player jerk and breaking hearts of women that loved me. I was not a good person then. I am better now.

 

Listen, please don't waste your life is you cannot get your marriage on track. Get a job, save money, do whatever to get to a place of happiness.

 

Being there now, I swear the it is a different world living in happiness. It is like nothing else...

 

I've been having A's for a similar reason, but don't know if I'll ever be able to leave. It would be easier, if he were worse that he is.

 

I know that things have to get worked out one way or another. I'm sure that H isn't as happy as he could be, but I guess it's enough for him. He is older than me and I don't think that he wants to start over. He knows that I'm going to inherit a good amount of money in the future and has mentioned it. I wonder if that's part of the reason he's staying with me.

 

I do wan't peace and happiness and hope that I get it someday. Right now I'm very down about things and lonely. I've been seeing a co-worker and trying to ease out of the situation. He's separated, but living with his wife, because he doesn't make a lot of money, either. He had a bad car accident about 20 years ago and has brain injuries from it. He's like dealing with a child a lot and his memory is bad. I do care about him, but he's hard to be with.

 

It's great that you've found happiness. It sounds like you had a lot of unhappy years with your wife. It's good that you had the courage to divorce and start your life over. I'm sure that it's been hard.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks Bittersweetie. I don't think I responded to this. How did D-day come about for you? Did you choose to do it or was it accidental? Would you say you are at a much better place now and you don't miss MM and the highs/lows?

 

My H and I were living thousands of miles apart when I had my A. So I thought for sure he'd never find out. Then I learned I had an STD and I knew I could not lie anymore. So in a way I didn't choose it, but in a way I did, because I no longer wanted to create more lies.

 

I do not miss xMM at all. ZERO. I realize now that I projected everything I wanted and needed at the time onto him...and that I didn't really know the real person at all. Also let's face it...the person he was at that time was not a good person, just like I was not a good person at that time. It did not create a good mix. And finally, to be completely honest, if I happen to truly sit and think about xMM and what we did, I feel physically sick. Maybe that sounds dramatic but it's true. Why would I "miss" anything related to that kind of betrayal to my H and myself?

 

Occasionally I do miss the fix, the high, but I've realized that those urges have nothing to do with xMM. So I deal with them in healthier ways. I keep busy, I eat a chocolate, I go for a walk. There's tons more options than thinking of xMM or looking him up online or something similar.

 

I've said this before, I am so much happier now than I ever was during the A. I just wish with all my heart I could've gotten to this place without the pain I caused my husband.

Edited June 29, 2018 by Bittersweetie

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you Maddieandtae and bittersweetie.

 

Today is a day I am struggling with emotions and tears...feeling incredibly down but I suppose that's part of the path.

[brokenandhopeless]

Posting here so I don't text him today. Definitely sitting on my hands. Part of it is the fear that he may never contact me again though I know that's the right route to take. I'll be glad when the workday is over today and if I succeed in not texting, I'll feel like I've run two marathons today.

[FMW]

When you feel like texting him make a list of all the things he's done that have hurt you. All the things that you don't respect about him. Write it out by hand so it takes longer and makes a bigger impact. After writing it read it through a few times.

 

And the next time if just reading the list doesn't help then make the list again. You might remember things you've burried subconsiously. You'll probably feel angry, not just at him but at yourself for letting him have this effect on you. Use that anger to stay away from him.

 

If you keep focusing on all the xxxtty stuff instead of how much you love and miss him you should be able to build up enough disgust with him to override the pining for him.

Edited July 2, 2018 by Finding my way

[brokenandhopeless]

When you feel like texting him make a list of all the things he's done that have hurt you. All the things that you don't respect about him. Write it out by hand so it takes longer and makes a bigger impact. After writing it read it through a few times.

 

And the next time if just reading the list doesn't help then make the list again. You might remember things you've burried subconsiously. You'll probably feel angry, not just at him but at yourself for letting him have this effect on you. Use that anger to stay away from him.

 

If you keep focusing on all the xxxtty stuff instead of how much you love and miss him you should be able to build up enough disgust with him to override the pining for him.

 

Yup. Sound advice. Thank you Finding my way. Going to do it RIGHT NOW!

[Maddieandtae]

I remember thinking the way you described...will he text again... what if I do this or that and I loose him. I should have had a swift kick in my backside to stop that obsessive thought process. I lost alot because of not dealing with my marriage issues and most of all my issues. Have you thought about some type of counseling for yourself to help clear your thoughts?

[CantTakeMySmile]

How long has r been since he has texted you now?

[Bittersweetie]

Posting here so I don't text him today. Definitely sitting on my hands. Part of it is the fear that he may never contact me again though I know that's the right route to take. I'll be glad when the workday is over today and if I succeed in not texting, I'll feel like I've run two marathons today.

 

When I was trying to break the addiction I looked at things as one day at a time. I told myself, I won't email/look him up online/text TODAY. I'll deal with tomorrow, well, tomorrow. I found thinking in terms of "forever" and "never" were just too overwhelming at that time. But I could do TODAY, and you can too!

[brokenandhopeless]

When I was trying to break the addiction I looked at things as one day at a time. I told myself, I won't email/look him up online/text TODAY. I'll deal with tomorrow, well, tomorrow. I found thinking in terms of "forever" and "never" were just too overwhelming at that time. But I could do TODAY, and you can too!

 

Thanks. I think I am going to do that. It is the thinking about the bleak future and the days that is getting me down. So I will attempt to take it one step at a time as you say and forget about the future....literally day by day. Thank you Bittersweetie.

[brokenandhopeless]

How long has r been since he has texted you now?

 

I was successful in not reaching out and he did yesterday reach out. But it was too brief since I was too busy. While I can claim small victory in resisting the urge, I can't claim victory yet in detaching myself when he texts.

 

The next couple of weeks I am going to be on travel with limited cellphone coverage (or nonexistent). So that's good. When I travel, I am so busy usually with figuring things out that I don't have the urge. When I get back and into the routine of things when things kick in again.

[brokenandhopeless]

I remember thinking the way you described...will he text again... what if I do this or that and I loose him. I should have had a swift kick in my backside to stop that obsessive thought process. I lost alot because of not dealing with my marriage issues and most of all my issues. Have you thought about some type of counseling for yourself to help clear your thoughts?

 

I went for IC for myself but it was not too successful. I may be should find another counselor as several of you have said and try again. I just need defined coping mechanisms and instructions sheets to manually follow through....almost like when you have the urge or thought, you shall first do x,y,z,a,b,c and wait for 10 days before anything...

[Grey Cloud]

I have just read this whole thread and Blues Power I love your posts. You always make so much sense!

 

OP - my A ended over 2 years ago but I have been stuck for a very long time in a fantasy world just like you. It served as a distraction for the unhappiness in my marriage and I was addicted to the push/pull of contact because the highs were worth the pain of the lows. Or so I thought.

 

My husband and I have now separated. It was unfair on him and he deserves more than that. He deserves to be happy. We did intensive counselling and everything finally came out in the open.

 

It was gut wrenching but now it’s time for me to own up to my mistakes and start living a more authentic life.

 

You will be stuck forever if you don’t make some changes. It took me a VERY long time to do something about it.

[Grey Cloud]

I realize now that I projected everything I wanted and needed at the time onto him...and that I didn't really know the real person at all. Also let's face it...the person he was at that time was not a good person, just like I was not a good person at that time. It did not create a good mix.

Occasionally I do miss the fix, the high, but I've realized that those urges have nothing to do with xMM. .

 

This totally sums it up. I projected everything on to xMM that I was missing in my marriage. Only the reality of the actual person was totally different to the fantasy world I played out in my head.

[brokenandhopeless]

GreyCloud: Thanks. Yup your situation sounds just like mine and thank you for again emphasizing what I need to do. I just wish the MM whom I am fantasizing about shows me his jerk side to make this easier..Well in some ways he has but I seem to ignore/gloss over them.

 

It's been 3 days with NC and since I am about to travel to a place with no connectivity, it will be 10 more days of NC. I just worry about when I get back if I will be sucked into it again. It's more mental gymnastics and dealing with my willpower. I can't believe how hard this is!

[CantTakeMySmile]

This is great. It will give you the jump start! YOu will have two weeks in !

Edited July 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted material, not necessary ~ V

[brokenandhopeless]

It's been 3 days with NC and since I am about to travel to a place with no connectivity, it will be 10 more days of NC. I just worry about when I get back if I will be sucked into it again. It's more mental gymnastics and dealing with my willpower. I can't believe how hard this is!

 

 

This is great. It will give you the jump start! YOu will have two weeks in !

 

Thank you CantTakeMySmile. After almost 10 days I broke it this week and am feeling terrible. But I suppose these falls happen. As other posters have said, I am taking it one day at a time and really writing out the bad parts everytime I get the urge. The urge is mostly during work hours (since rules in place that I can't contact outside these hours) and I need to come up with an airtight schedule during the work hours, minute by minute to stay busy. That will be the plan this weekend, to come up with an airtight schedule for Monday to start with. Thank you again.

Edited July 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quoted material ~ V