Finding strength to break the addiction

[Bittersweetie]

Adotta and Blues, all very good posts. I wish someone had said these things to me when I was in my A. But to be honest, I'm not sure I would've heard, because for a long time I wasn't ready to listen. Hopefully Broken will be ready to listen soon.

[BluesPower]

I hope so... because as we all know, she is really letting the best years of her life pass her by because of a fantasy.

 

I hope you ladies understand the I am not the guy that I used to be, I actually carry a lot of guilt for some of the things I have done.

 

I am way better now, totally clean and straight. Totally great BF and one woman man...

[Aloha123]

Blues and Adotta (and Overtaxed), the OP may or may not be in a position to fully take in what you are saying, but I want you to know that *I* have been following this post closely because it is so similar to my situation. Because, as you note, all affairs follow the same script so closely that they are literally indistinguishable.

 

From having chosen a good boy to marry precisely because he was not a bad boy and now being attracted only to the MM because he is a bad boy, to my horrible married sex life and unbelievable sex with MM, to the half-assed nature of my affair given that my MM is happily married and admits to a great sex life with his wife and is all too able to text but rarely has time to actually drive the 100 miles to see me, to me turning MM into a complete fantasy figure because I barely know the man in real life, to the obsessive nature of checking my phone and the way I am using that to avoid a lot of bad things in my real life, to how my husband doesn't really deserve any of this. I could go on and on.

 

But what I am trying to say is, your words DO resonate with me, so keep talking!! I guess the only way I am distinguishable from the OP is that, although I still feel as "stuck" as her, I definitely 100% "get it" (I think OP gets it too, but she does not want to!)

 

That being said, I also do appreciate the candor of all OW, including the original poster, in documenting the torment of the day to day struggle that is involved in trying to extract oneself from these godforsaken situations.

Edited June 21, 2018 by Aloha123

[brokenandhopeless]

It's a super crazy day at work today (a good thing), so I may be a little tardy in responding. However, I am reading and THANK YOU, THANK YOU for taking the time to offer me your perspective.

 

Will respond to all of your posts with my answers and comments/questions.

[Poppy47]

I hope so... because as we all know, she is really letting the best years of her life pass her by because of a fantasy.

 

I hope you ladies understand the I am not the guy that I used to be, I actually carry a lot of guilt for some of the things I have done.

 

I am way better now, totally clean and straight. Totally great BF and one woman man...

 

If ever you are homeless I will adopt you. I love your honesty.

 

Poppy.

[BluesPower]

If ever you are homeless I will adopt you. I love your honesty.

 

Poppy.

 

You are a sweet girl... thanks so much for that.

 

Truth is that I am much better now, I finally found a woman that was capable of straitening my A** out.

 

She is so wonderful in every way.

[brokenandhopeless]

Blues/Adotta, your candor is very refreshing and given how you folks have changed, may be people do change. I owe you all responses for sure. Uhhh trying to get through work this week.

 

More importantly, it's nice to hear your stories and to know there is a better path forward. Just making that one second switch/leap is what I need.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear brokenandhopeless,

 

I have one question... Why won't you divorce your husband and move on? I don't think he deserves your hidden activities.

 

Dreamer

[Adotta]

Dreamer it's usually fear that drives waywards to stay. Fear if the unknown. Fear of being alone. Fear of judgment. Financial fears. Fearing breaking their family.

 

Letting go of fear of any type was a big thing for me moving forward as a healthy person.

 

Telling my father I was sleeping with his wife for 2 years and had an extremely inappropriate relationship even before that(No longer his wife) 10 years ago and again for 2 months at the end of last year, was THE hardest thing I've ever done. If I waited until I wasn't afraid of the consequences to tell , I'm sure I never would have. I saw it as the right things to do, so I did it. My legs were shaking. I was seconds from crying. My throat locked up many times. I was sweating and shaking. My dad thought I was having a stroke or something at first, but in the end I told him. The outcome was drasticly different from what I had feared.

 

It wasn't easy. He asked me a few questions told me he suspected but didn't want to believe. He gave me a hug and apologized for putting me in a situation were I was alone with his ****ed in the head wife while he drowned himself in beer.

 

I'm fishing with my dad this weekend. Our relationship is improving every day. I still feel shame at times and it can be very awkward between us at times, but I'm happy too. It's getting better.

 

I can't say I don't feel fear exactly. I just don't let it control me. It's a liberating feeling.

Edited June 22, 2018 by Adotta

[Bittersweetie]

Broken, people can change. However, it doesn't happen overnight, and it takes work. I was once selfish and self-centered. I thought it was my husband's job to make me happy, and when he wasn't, I looked elsewhere. I was a mess.

 

After d-day I did a lot of self-reflection and therapy. It made me realize the only person responsible for my happiness is me. In the aftermath of d-day, when I had no idea whether my H would stay with me or not, I made the decision to never be like the person I was again. I decided to live with personal integrity. I'm not perfect but I feel no need to hide any part of myself from anyone. And I am so much happier now than I ever was in the A.

 

You can decide what kind of person you want to be moving forward, and be that person. Everyone makes bad choices. It's how you handle things afterward that show what kind of person you truly are.

 

Have a nice weekend.

[Adotta]

This is a post I was originally going to post on aloha's new thread before she got rather harshly criticized on the thread and the thread was locked quickly. It could still be usefull here. So here it is.

 

 

Aloha it's good to see you start a new thread. I saw you respond to me and blues on another thread.

 

It's good that your trying. I see you don't want this situation. That's good.

 

BUT people like me and you who get drawn into things because we have poor self control and a habit compromising ourselves for quick "fixes" tend to say and think a lot of nice things. Things like "I know this is wrong. I have to stop. I should not do this to my family." We know what we do is wrong, but we choose to do nothing about it.

 

My favorite was "I'll work on it tomorrow or later". I would get myself all worked up and sorrowful. I would wail internally and think about how **** my life was. How **** I was. How stressed I was. Then I would give my self permission to push my problems away. I didn't like dealing with my problems. I didn't like making hard moral choices. I wanted quick fixes and easy happiness. I also fantasized about how I WISHED things could be a lot.

 

Tomorrow never comes with an attitude like I had. I didn't work on improving me. I hid from moral choices and deep introspection because looking inward is hard. It's shameful. I really didn't like what I saw. Looking internally shattered the illusion that I was still a good person. I liked to think I was a good person making mistakes. It's one of the reasons I sought external validation so much and when I didn't receive it I collapsed.

 

It's really was an aha! moment for me. Not to say I had an aha moment and then everything became easy. I had the aha moment and then rolled up my sleeves and did the awull ****ty degrading work of making the sad sap I was being into a man I could respect.

 

I'm still not a perfectly healthy person. God knows I'm not, but I'm working on it. Every day is a battle and I'm winning more than I'm losing ever since I threw caution, excuses, and self pity out the window.

 

God I was such a little *******. Everything was about me. Even my "love" for my MW was all about me. I wanted her because of what I thought that meant about me. I was willing to throw my morals away to get that high feeling that I was soooo special because she was with me. I even failed to see what a train wreck she was. A pretty train wreck, but deadly all the same.

 

It's more complicated than that for me, but your reasons probably won't be exactly the same as mine. I can guess that there is some way you want to see yourself that this mm makes you feel like at times.

 

There is something your chasing and it's not so much him as it is the feelings he offers. You're not really chasing him. Your chasing an idea. I mean how COULD it be about real romance with him? You barely see the guy. Once a month at best? Your projecting your own desires on him. Your own fantasy.

 

This guy is just some horny dude with low morals. Unless you're just in this for sex he really has nothing to offer you besides a white canvas to draw your own imaginings on. He is a shadow man that can become what you want. In your mind he becomes what you want him to be. His own manipulation of your emotions probably helps the illusion along as well. My MW was very good at that. She had me convinced we were star crossed lovers..... She was very skilled at mirroring what she thought I wanted to see from her.

 

Your growing hesitation about your relationship with him is probably because reality is interfering with the illusion you want to perceive. As reality tears at the illusion more and more you will either slip deeper into the illusion to protect it or have to decide to abandon the illusion.

 

I hope this made a lick of sense to you. My own thoughts on the nature of even my own situation are still forming and shifting.

 

P.S please don't give up posting here aloha. It worries me when people go ghost on here. I always imagine the worst. Don't let some overly acidic comments get you down. Take what you can. Leave the rest. At the end of the day we are all just whispers on the internet. Dont let words from stranger destroy your budding resolve.

Edited June 23, 2018 by Adotta

[Aloha123]

This is a post I was originally going to post on aloha's new thread before she got rather harshly criticized on the thread and the thread was locked quickly. It could still be usefull here. So here it is.

 

 

Aloha it's good to see you start a new thread. I saw you respond to me and blues on another thread.

 

It's good that your trying. I see you don't want this situation. That's good.

 

 

 

There is something your chasing and it's not so much him as it is the feelings he offers. You're not really chasing him. Your chasing an idea. I mean how COULD it be about real romance with him? You barely see the guy. Once a month at best? Your projecting your own desires on him. Your own fantasy.

 

This guy is just some horny dude with low morals. Unless you're just in this for sex he really has nothing to offer you besides a white canvas to draw your own imaginings on. He is a shadow man that can become what you want. In your mind he becomes what you want him to be. His own manipulation of your emotions probably helps the illusion along as well. My MW was very good at that. She had me convinced we were star crossed lovers..... She was very skilled at mirroring what she thought I wanted to see from her.

 

Your growing hesitation about your relationship with him is probably because reality is interfering with the illusion you want to perceive. As reality tears at the illusion more and more you will either slip deeper into the illusion to protect it or have to decide to abandon the illusion.

 

I hope this made a lick of sense to you. My own thoughts on the nature of even my own situation are still forming and shifting.

 

P.S please don't give up posting here aloha. It worries me when people go ghost on here. I always imagine the worst. Don't let some overly acidic comments get you down. Take what you can. Leave the rest. At the end of the day we are all just whispers on the internet. Dont let words from stranger destroy your budding resolve.

 

Thank you so much for responding. Yes you have described my situation exactly. And yes the thread I posted earlier went off the rails quickly. I will still be reading and even posting here but suffice it to say that I will not be starting another thread of my own any time soon! It was completely counterproductive

[DKT3]

Thank you so much for responding. Yes you have described my situation exactly. And yes the thread I posted earlier went off the rails quickly. I will still be reading and even posting here but suffice it to say that I will not be starting another thread of my own any time soon! It was completely counterproductive

 

I've been posting here over four years and I have rarely seen a counterproductive thread. What I have seen, and been guilty of myself is too much too soon. Like saving someone from drowning then taking that opportunity to offer swimming lessons, not a bad idea just too soon.

 

People can change, most often people simply modify or evolve in those same behaviors. True change require self reflection and fundamental truths that most are uncomfortable with.

 

I think you can get alot from this site. I hope you hang around...Do me a favor, re-read your thread in a month and see if you have the same negative feelings towards those posts.

[Bittersweetie]

Broken and Aloha,

 

I was a WW. I have been in your shoes. When sometimes I would think, what the heck am I doing? And other times I'd think, my marriage is this, my husband is that, so I can do what I want. Or the biggest thought I had: It'll be fine, he'll never find out.

 

Adotta had some good points about making changes in oneself. I have no doubt I would be a similar person if I didn't have a d-day. After d-day, I had to directly face the consequences of my actions, by seeing my husband's face go from surprise to anger to disgust on that day and in the weeks afterward. I directly saw how hurtful my selfish actions were and the aftermath of those actions (which is why I ask WWs to consider their Hs, their families).

 

As I mentioned, the changes I made to myself were not easy. I rewrote how I looked at and took in the world. I rewrote my coping mechanisms. I rewrote how I related to my H. It was a lot and took a while. But the work was worth it, I am in a much better place now. I wish I could've gotten here without the pain to my H though. One cannot change the past however, so I've chosen to move forward on the best possible path I can.

 

If you want to PM me feel free.

[lftbehind]

I have thought about how to help you... and I know that here you are answering @Adotta 's questions. But I have kept up with your thread and posted some things but frankly, it is so hard to keep track of all the OW/MW threads, BECAUSE THEY ALL SOUND SO SIMILAR...

 

So I want to give you this from several points of view MM, Your, and H's.

 

Some of this will sound harsh, some of it will sound even crude, but I assure you that everything I say is true. I also want to beg you to listen and think. You are at a crossroad in your life. It is hard to tell anyone which way to go, but at least I would like for you to think rationally and clearly with some facts that I hope will help you make some good decisions.

 

Disclaimer (To any Ex's of any type that are still stalking me, none of what I write is about any particular relationship or woman, so don't read it that way. To current GF, I am not this guy anymore and you should know that, but if you choose to read this, that is your decision.)

 

Some of this will apply to all you ladies involved in infidelity or with a MM, some of this will apply to all married men. I know that you all think your MM is a special snowflake, but the vast majority of them.

 

So @brokenandhopeless, about your MM. One thing I would like for you to clear up, is... Are you sleeping together during anytime of this affair, or did you sleep together when you were dating 14 years ago. It matters so please be honest.

 

What you need to understand is this: Men like me and your MM, can convince any woman that is attracted to me that I love them. Some of them I did, many I did not, but I did use some women for sex and ego kibbles many times. It is not that hard to do.

 

You see, men like your MM and me, actually love women in general. For the most part, I like hearing what they think about things, I enjoy commiserating with them about marriage, life, work, sex or the lack there of. I enjoy them. I think all woman are beautiful, yes some more than others, but really all of them are beautiful.

 

So men like us are considered Great lovers, not just because we are good in bed, confident with women, comfortable talking to them, making love to them, but because we actually like women and everything that goes along with them.

 

So you think your MM probably loves you, and you def love him. But if all of this is mostly online, it is all pure fantasy. Do you understand that?

 

He is good looking, good in bed (or he was when you had sex years ago) he is a sportsman, yada yada yada. You know, all of that is great. But you actually have know idea what he is really like in his day to day life. I can tell your this, he is a cheater. He does not respect his wife at all. Oh, and they have an arrangement, well lets talk about that.

 

If you wonder about that arrangement, which you do, call up his wife and check on that, would you. Because I am sure that she is not aware of it. But if he is telling the truth, then she will verify and not harm done. Then you can make arrangements to take a trip to see someone, and you two can meet up and have some great sex. I mean, why not?

 

What you have to understand is that you know nothing about the guy IRL. You think you know, but men like us can tall a woman anything that they want to hear, because we are good at it. We are romantic, we love being in "Love". I could go on, but I hope that you get the general idea.

 

Now let's talk about your husband. He is a good guy. A stable guy. A nice guy. But lets face it, he is your little beta husband, that YOU chose to marry and have children with. He is a good provider, a good father, and really a great husband. Oh, but his does not have any passion, he is not hot like OM is, he is not a sports man. But he provides a great home and life style to raise children in.

 

But, he is not great in bed, and he is not sexual enough. Well guess what, you knew that going in, and you wanted the safe provider that would be a great dad and good husband. That is on you.

 

Things you should know. Men in captivity, have lower testosterone levels than most men in the wild. This allows them to focus on taking care of kids, stop drinking and partying, stop chasing woman. It allows them to be safe partners, that can take the pressure of being the provider for a family, taking crap at work, and all the pressures of life that come along with it.

 

And, since he was safe and beta, he was not that experience with sex, yeah he was not a virgin, but he was not a player or he would not be safe.

 

Now for me, I was a bad boy that got tamed a little for several years. I gave up a lot for my family, stopped hunting because I could not afford it. Gave up my music career because it was not conducive to earning a living and raising a family. And I spent all my money taking care of a "Sick" wife and raising 3 kids. I spent my money for all their sports, musical instruments, lessons and whatnot. And I know that you work, but his income is the primary income.

 

So at that time, I was not a cool rock star anymore, or a sportsman. I knew how to fix things though because I grew up doing it and could not afford to have it done.

 

Ok, so you have lost attraction (and lets face it love) for your husband simply because he has become a sweet beta boy, which is exactly the reason that you married him in the first place.

 

But let me tell you this, if you blow up your marriage, and your husband gets back out in the wild, he will become, almost over night, much more attractive. He will start having sex with other, probably hotter younger, women. He will get more experience and become a better lover, and he will still have all the good qualities that you marred him for.

 

Think I am joking, OK, hide and watch. But understand, that younger women that are tired of dating losers with no job will find a divorced dad super attractive. While, frankly, a single mom with the baggage of several children, is not quite so attractive. Well, except to screw, because the just came out of a long term marriage, where she sex was not great, because both of them lost interest.

 

You say that he is not interested in sex. I will tell you why... Yeah his T is probably lower than it should be. But mostly, he know that you are not interested is sex with him. As a now bata male, he just figures that this is part of marriage and this is how it goes, no sex. So he is tired of being rejected by his wife. Oh, he knows that she loves him or he would not be there, but this is life and he has a family to raise.

 

And what have you done in the last few years to spice up the sex in your marriage. Have you talked to him about what you want, what you need? I think not, because you are board.

 

When is the last time that you caught him coming out of the shower and gave him a BJ to completion just because you love him and want to please him for being a great dad and husband? Oh, that long, OK?

 

So how about you: Well, you are board, but you don't want to rock that apple cart. Part of you loves your lifestyle and you are too much of a coward to divorce a man that you no longer love and are no longer attracted to. Through no fault of his own, you have lost interest, because it is boring.

 

But, you have not spent any time trying to really work on your marriage, help him learn about sex, helped out in the romance department.

 

No you have chosen to have an affair with a man that you really know nothing about, except that he cheats on his wife and with other women besides you, and the rest is a complete fantasy in your mind.

 

OK, so as you read all of this, does anything strike you, does anything register. I really hope that it does.

 

Think, about this. If you are not attracted to your husband, and you can actually admit that you don't love him anymore, why don't you divorce him and find someone that you do love and desire?

 

Does he deserve anything that you are doing to him, do your children? If you were not a coward, you would understand that the greatest kindness that he deserves, key word deserves, from you, if for you to let him go so that he can find a woman that loves and desires him.

 

Or, you could stop this foolishness with the OM, and devote yourself to making your marriage better. Help your husband to understand that you need communication, sex, affection, emotional support, and excitement and what ever else.

 

Those are you two paths, what do you think you should do...

 

So I will leave your thread alone now, I have tried to get you to look at this realistically, not to bash you, but hopefully to help you see clearly...Good Luck.

 

This is great advice, but hard to do. I'm trying to re-commit to my marriage and get feelings back for my husband.

[Adotta]

If you had passion and feelings for your husband at one point I can understand wanting it back and working towards that.

 

But people who went into marriage with no real passion for their partner and they just hope it magically appears later are foolish. Especially after an affair. It's better to cut the BS loose. Free them. I know it won't seem like a favor at the time, but it really is. Outside family deaths the only thing worse than a spouse leaving you has to be a spouse cheating on and manipulating you.

[brokenandhopeless]

Just to note, I wouldn't be looking to MM as a positive example of a father. He's fooling around on his family, that is not 100% committed.

 

I agree with Adotta on the fantasy aspect. I see now, years later, how much of what I wanted and needed I projected onto my xAP. It made my xAP the "perfect man"...of course my H couldn't compete. My xAP was a person with flaws like any of us, but I massaged/ignored them to make them less important. It was again, more mental gymnastics to make what I was doing "okay."

 

What do you want as of right now? Do you want to be with your H only? Do you want to be with AP only? Do you want both? Maybe you need to decide what you want moving forward, and then you can make choices that support that decision. Because right now you sound a bit wishy-washy. If you make a decision, then you can move forward accordingly.

 

Going to be responding to each of you as time permits at work. Crazy busy for us this season. What do I want? I want passion, romance, affection and lust. Do I want both of them? Ideally want to be with MM only but that ain't happening for sure. Perhaps if I got one chance to have a romp in the haystack I will get him out of my system for good. I am wishy-washy and confused.

I've been keeping super busy lately and that's helped a lot.

[brokenandhopeless]

"Adotta: Yes spoke to H about the lack of certain things and he is trying but somehow I don't want him to fake it for me. I am uncertain whether he has such feelings for me or not and every time he attempts, I shut him off saying I don't want to try/change for me. I have this thought that people don't change/leopards don't change spots."

 

That's dumb. I'm sorry. It just is. No wonder your husband hadn't changed. YOU HAVE SHOT HIS ATTEMPTS DOWN AT EVERY TURN. It's like asking a dog to lay down repeatedly and then giving it a smack every time it does. Then complaining that the dog wont lay down. Its stupid. Your basicly training your husband to be the way you claim you dislike.

 

Your being self defeating. I'm guessing you want to see him make the changes of his own accord. That's not how reality works. You have a duty to inform him what you want and then give him the chance to do it. That's how marriage works. That's how two responsible mature adults handle their differences.

 

People change all the time. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. The me from a year ago wasn't the same person as a year before that. The me of 5 years ago was a drug addict loser with very little morals. I was 100 pounds over weight and hated life itself. I blamed EVERYONE else in the world for what I had done to myself. I changed. I lost the weight. Quit the drugs. Got a job. I changed the way I thought about the world. Things I used to hate doing I know love. Things I used to live I know hate. People change all the time.

 

If you keep believing he can't change and then shoot down any attempts to change on his part that's YOUR fault.

 

The fact is your husband would have benifitted from the change as well. He would have had a stronger marriage. He is used to the status quo now. Don't be non confrontational. Don't avoid this. You will spend the rest of your life hurting your husband and not being a proper wife and life partner if you do.

 

Also telling him isn't what hurts him. It's the betrayal that did that. Don't mix the two up.

 

Also also please don't tell me you don't tell him to protect HIM. We all know who your protecting. YOU. Either your afraid of judgment or afraid of the turmoil it would cause, but it's no excuse. It's like if I stabbed someone who couldn't feel pain and then let them bleed out without informing them they are wounded, because I wanted to "protect" them from knowing i stabbed them. Its foggy logic.

 

When.... yes WHEN your husband finds out it will be 100 times easier to handle for him if the words come out of YOUR mouth. If he catches you he won't believe a single word you spout. Reconciliation is MANY times easier when the wayward spouse confesses of their own accord.

 

And yes most affairs come to light eventually. Seeing as you don't text him a million times a day and only meet very very rarely you probably have a better chance at not getting caught then most, BUT it's always a possibility. People get caught in the most stupid and odd of ways.

 

I've seen people get caught because they talked in their sleep. Sent a text to the wrong person. The spouse noticed changes. Someone spotted the wayward cheating. There are a million and one ways to get caught. Dont get caught. Be a moral person. Stop hiding yourself behind bad choices and faulty logic. Stop hiding your true being from the ONE person you never should hide anything from. Your husband. Remember hes a human being too. He doesnt have an infinite amount of time on this world. How much of it do you want to waste by lying to him? Hes not living a real life right now. He is living a fake life. Full of illusion and smoke and mirrors and his puppet master is his own wife.

 

Do you believe in God? If you do how will you explain this to God, Let alone your husband in heaven? I'm not religious just wondering if you are and how you deal with that idea.

 

Alright I'm going to stop talking about your husband for now. You didn't ask for advice on that so unless you ask for some advice on your marriage and husband I'll leave you be.

 

 

Somewhere, I am incredibly pessimistic and hence feel people don't change. But hearing you and Blues, I need to reevaluate that thought because you folks have done a 180 degree. Yes i want him to change of his own accord and as you said perhaps it doesn't work that way. My pessimism keeps me from effecting change.

 

I do believe in God and for sure Karma is going to get me multiple times for this...for what I've done to my H and the MM's wife. No escaping that I know. My H doesn't deserve this as you pointed out. This is, at this point, an addiction. I need to make that leap to get over the fence to the other side.

 

I am not telling him because I am a coward as you folks have rightly pointed out. I don't want to lose my safety net when things with MM break. Yes, that sounds despicable and pathetic. I see it myself and I am ashamed. Thankfully I am not dependent on H for monetary support and can quite manage the kids myself. It's the emotional dependency of having somebody. Karma sure is going to get me a million times.

 

Thank you Adotta for drilling sense into my head.

[BluesPower]

This is great advice, but hard to do. I'm trying to re-commit to my marriage and get feelings back for my husband.

 

Has he changed??? If he has not then why waste your time? Please don't say "for the kids", because that is crap.

 

There is no excuse for your affair, you chose that. But there is a reason to leave, and have the courage to leave.

 

Listen, I keep up with our stuff, and if there ever was a reason for an affair, which there is not, you might have been one.

 

But when will people learn that at some point it will not work?

[brokenandhopeless]

Blues, responding to your post now. Yup my story is similar to all the others no doubt. I was doing so well not contacting him for 3 days and today I keeled and now I am feeling miserable about it. And we had a slight disagreement about something inane and I am blaming myself for not having had a "perfect" conversation. Silly I know, and the insecurity of his dropping me because of an oh-so-slight disagreement about a stupid topic is tearing me up.

 

He lives faaaaaar away, ie I would have to catch a plane to see him so, not sleeping with him. The last I saw him was a year ago when we spent a night together (we fooled around and never went all the way). He has made it clear he would like to talk to me but not see me. In the last 3 years, we have fooled around may be thrice and I've seen him a handful of times in total..we never went all the way but just fooled around. Not that that makes it any better...just sayin'.

 

MM does not love me in a romantic way. He is clear about that. The problem is ME and my fantasies.

 

I have talked to my H about the things I need and yes I am bored. You hit the nail on the head when you termed MM as an alpha male and I am attached to that alpha part.

 

I don't know what it is that I keeping going back for that "high" from him and wanting to be chosen by him. It just seems like an addiction. One thing though Blues, I saw him first almost 17-18 years ago and got back into talking with him 4 years ago. But in the interim 13-14 years, I was strong to stay away from him and many times in fact thought why I found him attractive when all he wanted was sexual fun. When he used to contact me, I used to be very civil/polite and never led him on and said I was not interested and I was truly not interested. Why I caved 4 years ago, I don't know.

 

It does register that this is fantasy and that no good is every going to come out of this and I am not going to get that romantic passion from MM, especially when he says he is happy to have an online chat but doesn't want to see me. It is finally the strength and willpower I need to say "No" to my addiction of wanting to contact him and wanting to talk/see him. I just don't know how to muster up that strength and stay the course. I've been telling myself the last 4 years that nothing good will come of this and I've shed countless tears..But I just feel unable to do anything...that willpower and strength of mind are lacking. I WANT to move past this, I WANT happiness again, peace of mind and to not constantly obsess about MM. But I don't seem to be able to DO it and stay the course. That's where I am beating myself up. I am a shell of my former self and can't believe how I have changed into this pathetic, weakling.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

[Aloha123]

Oh geez. The last time you saw him was a year ago? And I thought my situation was bad because I only saw my MM once every 1-2 months! Granted we live only a 2 hour drive from each other, not a plane ride away.

And my MM does tell me he loves me, would marry me. Blah blah blah.

But you know what. My situation is about as miserable as yours, the level of obsession is about the same, as is the depth of the lows.

Adotta made such a profound observation that has really stuck with me. When you see somebody so infrequently, you really are just dealing with a “shadow figure” onto which you can project all of your delusional fantasies.

So, you/we are upset over wanting more from an idealized person who does not even exist. No wonder we can’t let go. And of course it is 100% not fair to compare our spouses to this imaginary person.

[brokenandhopeless]

Oh geez. The last time you saw him was a year ago? And I thought my situation was bad because I only saw my MM once every 1-2 months! Granted we live only a 2 hour drive from each other, not a plane ride away.

And my MM does tell me he loves me, would marry me. Blah blah blah.

But you know what. My situation is about as miserable as yours, the level of obsession is about the same, as is the depth of the lows.

Adotta made such a profound observation that has really stuck with me. When you see somebody so infrequently, you really are just dealing with a “shadow figure” onto which you can project all of your delusional fantasies.

So, you/we are upset over wanting more from an idealized person who does not even exist. No wonder we can’t let go. And of course it is 100% not fair to compare our spouses to this imaginary person.

 

Yup about a year ago and how much more pathetic can it get that I want a fantasy person and he doesn't want to see me? It's a one-way street with a dead-end. My rational mind knows that. Now to put it into action and walk away...THAT strength is what I need.

[brokenandhopeless]

I hope so... because as we all know, she is really letting the best years of her life pass her by because of a fantasy.

 

I hope you ladies understand the I am not the guy that I used to be, I actually carry a lot of guilt for some of the things I have done.

 

I am way better now, totally clean and straight. Totally great BF and one woman man...

 

Believe you me, I can't believe how I spent 4 years in tears and continue doing so. Yup the best years.. I am just amazed at my own ability to bear this much misery and pain. Uhhhh...

[brokenandhopeless]

Dear brokenandhopeless,

 

I have one question... Why won't you divorce your husband and move on? I don't think he deserves your hidden activities.

 

Dreamer

 

I agree he doesn't deserve my hidden activities and Karma is going to get me soooo bad someday. A few years ago I had a strong sense of ethics and "do unto others" philosophy. I am still wondering how/why I let that all go.

 

I am not divorcing him because he is my emotional fallback and I know that my fantasy with MM is not going anywhere because it's a one-way street...so I'd rather have something than nothing and that sounds terrible....terrible from the POV of my H. I get it. I am going to have a bunch of people probably posting how selfish I am but when you are emotionally needy, you hang on to what little you get. Nobody can beat me up more than I have beaten myself up. Every time I think I have hit my lowest point and there is no way but up and to climb out of this, I amaze myself by hitting yet another low point. I just don't know where the bottom is. As you folks have said, the bottom may come if I come clean with H. Until then, it's my thoughts and going around in circles.

[BluesPower]

Blues, responding to your post now. Yup my story is similar to all the others no doubt. I was doing so well not contacting him for 3 days and today I keeled and now I am feeling miserable about it. And we had a slight disagreement about something inane and I am blaming myself for not having had a "perfect" conversation. Silly I know, and the insecurity of his dropping me because of an oh-so-slight disagreement about a stupid topic is tearing me up.

 

He lives faaaaaar away, ie I would have to catch a plane to see him so, not sleeping with him. The last I saw him was a year ago when we spent a night together (we fooled around and never went all the way). He has made it clear he would like to talk to me but not see me. In the last 3 years, we have fooled around may be thrice and I've seen him a handful of times in total..we never went all the way but just fooled around. Not that that makes it any better...just sayin'.

 

MM does not love me in a romantic way. He is clear about that. The problem is ME and my fantasies.

 

I have talked to my H about the things I need and yes I am bored. You hit the nail on the head when you termed MM as an alpha male and I am attached to that alpha part.

 

I don't know what it is that I keeping going back for that "high" from him and wanting to be chosen by him. It just seems like an addiction. One thing though Blues, I saw him first almost 17-18 years ago and got back into talking with him 4 years ago. But in the interim 13-14 years, I was strong to stay away from him and many times in fact thought why I found him attractive when all he wanted was sexual fun. When he used to contact me, I used to be very civil/polite and never led him on and said I was not interested and I was truly not interested. Why I caved 4 years ago, I don't know.

 

It does register that this is fantasy and that no good is every going to come out of this and I am not going to get that romantic passion from MM, especially when he says he is happy to have an online chat but doesn't want to see me. It is finally the strength and willpower I need to say "No" to my addiction of wanting to contact him and wanting to talk/see him. I just don't know how to muster up that strength and stay the course. I've been telling myself the last 4 years that nothing good will come of this and I've shed countless tears..But I just feel unable to do anything...that willpower and strength of mind are lacking. I WANT to move past this, I WANT happiness again, peace of mind and to not constantly obsess about MM. But I don't seem to be able to DO it and stay the course. That's where I am beating myself up. I am a shell of my former self and can't believe how I have changed into this pathetic, weakling.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

 

Good grief, you have a lot of fantasies don't you. Sugar, he is not an alpha, he may be handsome, great to talk to, but not alpha.

 

Dear you are so confused about life. It is probably good that you did not have full on sex. And you don't know how good he is in bed until you have had full on sex all night long. If he really is good in bed, you would probably lose you mind.

 

But you don't even understand that this MM is actually a weirdo. He is getting some type strange and cheezy ego kibbles from you and he has fun with you and he gets to be "bad". How ridiculous is all of that crap.

 

What he should have done is bang your brains out and made you feel like a woman. That is what I would have done to you in my bad old days. But now, he was content to just "fool" around. Do you have any idea how weird that is?

 

And don't say it was you not wanting to, if he took you in his arms kissed you and made love to you, you would have melted.

 

You really need to get to therapy and deal with these fantasies. And that is all that they are.

 

You are wasting your life on a fantasy that never ever will come true. Only some intense counseling might get you back to reality. And if you are in counseling now, then you need a new counselor.

 

Mean while your poor husband has no idea what is going on, thinking he has a decent life.

 

Look, if you have lost attraction to your husband, ok cool, it happens. Then get a divorce and move on to a real live happy life.

 

If you don't want to try with your husband and work through the sexual issue that you have, then get a divorce.

 

And, as a partner in a marriage, it is your responsibility to tell him that the sex is bad. But you have done none of that.

 

You are lucky that you and I are not having an affair. Because a man like me would give you extreme pleasure the entire night, and that is not a boast, it is a fact.

 

Then that really good new sex would really mess your mind up. In fact, any man worth his salt would be able to steal you away from your husband and family because of the state you your mind is in.

 

The fact of the matter is that if you were able to be the wife your husband needs, you actually could stand a chance to rebuild that relationship. You and him could openly talk about sex and your needs and wants.

 

He might could be able to be a stronger man and meet all your needs. But you living in a fantasy world prevents you from doing any of that.

 

It may not work, but it might.

 

What can I do to get you to realize what you are doing to yourself? What would possibly get you to actually wake up.

 

My heart breaks for you. You want love, and you actually have it from a man that has given his all for you, your husband. Great father, for the most part great husband, great provider.

 

But he is competing with a man that is a ghost. He will never be able to win. And even though he does not know it yet, nothing he does matters.

 

You know, with some guidance from you and reading some stuff, you could probably make him into a fulfilling lover. But you are too busy with a ghost. I had to be taught by some giving women that helped me learn what everything was about.

 

Maybe you don't really know what romantic love is? Is that possible?

 

However, you are wasting your life, and your husbands life on a strange ghost of a man that will never be anything to you but a dream. You could divorce if you had the courage or you could actually work on your marriage if you had even more courage.

 

Please don't waste your life like this. You only get one...