BF thinks I’m a lazy reclusive slob

[SarahUK]

Although I still suspect is something appearance-wise more than anything. E.g. if you gained weight he maybe equating this with 'lazy'.

 

It is also cultural - Greek men are like this, criticizing their woman is kind of the norm over there....

 

Weird you would imply there is something negative about my appearance. I haven't gained weight or anything. I am not being conceited or blowing my own horn but most people think I am very attractive. (yep definitely no way I can write that without coming across big headed.)

[SarahUK]

^^^ This. I suspect it is not about the fact you're being 'lazy' in terms of not working, but 'lazy' in terms of your looks. I'm sure he won't tell you the truth anyway, but if you stay in sweats/pajamas with messy hair and no make up....... That's what bothers him.

 

For the financial situation, I've done this with BFs and it always made me feel powerful at first when I started supporting them, but then resentment will start building up... Just too much inequality unless he contributes with something else substantially...

 

I'm definitely not lazy with my looks if you read my last post.

I am also sure he would tell me the truth to be honest. He picks even if my nail polish is chipped.

 

Agree with you RE supporting BFs. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I probably wouldn't have minded if he was kind and nice but I always considered myself quite a strong woman before this relationship whereas he makes me upset almost every day!

[SarahUK]

Oh that's what your were referring too. My point was that he thought of her more like his mom would have been. The bills 10% might be all he could afford. If she's making 90% more than he does and that sound like this case. Really it's up to her to make the final call? We here on LS can only advise her what we all would do in such a situation.

 

I wouldn't go as far as to say I am earning 90% more. We live together in a modest apartment. He was paying a similar rent alone before we moved in together however he seems to think it's unreasonable to pay 50% of his bills now (which are a 50% reduction essentially compared to before) and that I should pay 100%.

 

I earn more but I don't believe that means I should be funding his lifestyle when he can perfectly afford to pay half.

 

I think he is just too immature to be in an adult relationship. He earns a decent middle class salary that leaves him with enough disposable income.

[No_Go]

Weird you would imply there is something negative about my appearance. I haven't gained weight or anything. I am not being conceited or blowing my own horn but most people think I am very attractive. (yep definitely no way I can write that without coming across big headed.)

 

Just thinking from the standpoint of dudes - they are shallow I remember how upset one of my exes was when I start wearing size US size 4, he thought I was getting huge

 

Nothing wrong with self-confidence btw:)

[No_Go]

I'm definitely not lazy with my looks if you read my last post.

I am also sure he would tell me the truth to be honest. He picks even if my nail polish is chipped.

 

Agree with you RE supporting BFs. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I probably wouldn't have minded if he was kind and nice but I always considered myself quite a strong woman before this relationship whereas he makes me upset almost every day!

 

Yeah I feel for you I think people that find it okay to be supported are just not nice to start with. The last exBF I supported was making a 6 figure salary and will still somehow make me pick his bill in the expensive restaurants he'd drag me to go with him (I don't want to say taking me out because I felt like a momma not partner to him).

 

Another guy moved in with me after just a month and 2 weeks later got 'unemployed'. He was unemployed to start with of course, and just needed to leech on me...

 

Fast move-ins or marriages always hide malicious underlying intent IMO..... I think full 4 seasons rule was made for a reason. Any rush in that department backfired badly IME so far.

[No_Go]

Btw just wanted to add - after resentment builds, there is not much that can be done to backtrack the process. It is just time to start considering practicalities to get out of the situation (which in live-in/marriage arrangements can take months/years, so it is good to start early...)

[Els]

So glad you're finally leaving. Make sure you've settled your lease with your landlord and get your name taken off the bills before you go.

 

 

Have a nice trip!

[guest569]

Weird you would imply there is something negative about my appearance. I haven't gained weight or anything. I am not being conceited or blowing my own horn but most people think I am very attractive. (yep definitely no way I can write that without coming across big headed.)

 

Even if any of this were the case (appearance etc) the guy is a douche and has no right to act this way. It’s sad that people jump to this conclusion as though gaining a few kgs or going without makeup gives someone the right to treat you like garbage. Especially when none of it relevant in this situation. We are talking about a nail polish chip, people!

[GemmaUK]

Chipped toenail varnish? Good grief! Stuff like that really does make you scratch your head! So much of a tiny irrelevant thing to speak to anyone about as a relationship problem yet little thing after little thing becomes this bizarre mountain of 'rules' that he decides you should live by.

I could tell you all about the issues myself and my abusive ex had over toenails and earrings... Looking back it's hilarious the things that I did 'wrong' so much!

 

This is the kind of guy who would validate that you should pay for 90% of the electricity bill because you are the one who uses the machine and does all the damn washing!

 

 

I'm really pleased you're leaving and have a plan in place to do so as easily as possible.

I'd say there was an incredibly high chance will be in touch though so be warned.

He is abusive so he will most likely behave like he can charm the birds from the trees. Don't give in when he does that as it always takes longer to get away once you go back and his behaviour will get worse if you were to go back no matter what promises he makes to change.

 

What you can do for yourself in terms of learning to spot a guy who could turn like this is read up on abusive men. There are signs that can be pretty easy to spot in the early stages of dating.

Let me know if you want to know a few good titles and I'll post some info for you.

 

I wish you all the very best for your future and your travels!

[Haydn]

When he`s out, move out.

 

Leave a note on the fridge telling him where to find towels etc...

 

And go travelling as you intended.

[SarahUK]

Chipped toenail varnish? Good grief! Stuff like that really does make you scratch your head! So much of a tiny irrelevant thing to speak to anyone about as a relationship problem yet little thing after little thing becomes this bizarre mountain of 'rules' that he decides you should live by.

I could tell you all about the issues myself and my abusive ex had over toenails and earrings... Looking back it's hilarious the things that I did 'wrong' so much!

 

This is the kind of guy who would validate that you should pay for 90% of the electricity bill because you are the one who uses the machine and does all the damn washing!

 

 

I'm really pleased you're leaving and have a plan in place to do so as easily as possible.

I'd say there was an incredibly high chance will be in touch though so be warned.

He is abusive so he will most likely behave like he can charm the birds from the trees. Don't give in when he does that as it always takes longer to get away once you go back and his behaviour will get worse if you were to go back no matter what promises he makes to change.

 

What you can do for yourself in terms of learning to spot a guy who could turn like this is read up on abusive men. There are signs that can be pretty easy to spot in the early stages of dating.

Let me know if you want to know a few good titles and I'll post some info for you.

 

I wish you all the very best for your future and your travels!

 

Thanks Gemma. Yeah it was lots of little things that, if they were a passing comment here and there would be annoying, but it's lots of little things over the days/weeks.

 

He told me he preferred me to look natural and that I wore "too much" makeup but I just use a tinted moisturizer and some mascara. He has complained about my mascara before because he said it looked like I did it in a rush. Don't even get me started on lipsticks. He had an issue with me even wearing a lipstick in the day because he would say it was a "night time look" - umm sorry Gok Wan! I'm not talking bold reds or purples, I'm wearing light pinks and nudes! (Not that there's anything wrong with the former anyway).

 

We had a huge argument last night because of me asking him to pay 50% of the bills. He said that since I was doing most previously then changed my mind it was like I was stealing (not sure how that logic works). He slept on the couch and was being so mean and grumpy and then this morning he cried.

 

Crazily, I drove to see a girl in the city we were living before headed back to my home town to meet her for a coffee. He was apparently so upset about me leaving that after crying when I left the apartment, he then drove after me to find me at the coffee shop! I almost thought he was feeling guilty for his behaviour until he sent a crazy rant text tonight asking why and where I moved a bottle of whisky and that he didn't want to speak to me for moving things in the cupboard.

[JuneL]

I wrote this in a previous post, and I have to repeat it again: Please definitely DO NOT leave him money for his bills/rents. You mentioned that everything is under his name, so it’s his problem. I still don’t understand how you could be manipulated into paying 90-100% of everything

[guest569]

I wrote this in a previous post, and I have to repeat it again: Please definitely DO NOT leave him money for his bills/rents. You mentioned that everything is under his name, so it’s his problem. I still don’t understand how you could be manipulated into paying 90-100% of everything

 

Agreed! You’ve paid more than your share.

[GemmaUK]

Thanks Gemma. Yeah it was lots of little things that, if they were a passing comment here and there would be annoying, but it's lots of little things over the days/weeks.

 

He told me he preferred me to look natural and that I wore "too much" makeup but I just use a tinted moisturizer and some mascara. He has complained about my mascara before because he said it looked like I did it in a rush. Don't even get me started on lipsticks. He had an issue with me even wearing a lipstick in the day because he would say it was a "night time look" - umm sorry Gok Wan! I'm not talking bold reds or purples, I'm wearing light pinks and nudes! (Not that there's anything wrong with the former anyway).

 

We had a huge argument last night because of me asking him to pay 50% of the bills. He said that since I was doing most previously then changed my mind it was like I was stealing (not sure how that logic works). He slept on the couch and was being so mean and grumpy and then this morning he cried.

 

Crazily, I drove to see a girl in the city we were living before headed back to my home town to meet her for a coffee. He was apparently so upset about me leaving that after crying when I left the apartment, he then drove after me to find me at the coffee shop! I almost thought he was feeling guilty for his behaviour until he sent a crazy rant text tonight asking why and where I moved a bottle of whisky and that he didn't want to speak to me for moving things in the cupboard.

 

Yeah, this guy is abusive, there's no way around it I'm afraid.

If he knows where you're folks live then I think it's crucial now to make sure they know exactly why you've left. If he will stalk you (which is essentially what he did) to a coffee shop then he won't have any qualms about turning up at your folk's place. If you're not there then he could easily sweet talk his way in.

If you have a head office or somewhere you report into for your work it might be a wise move to contact HR or someone in your team to warn them of what is going on should he turn up there also.

 

Close friends should also be warned of the situation too.

 

I don't want to alarm you but until you get yourself away to Dubai (hopefully he wouldn't follow you there) you're within the time frame after ending an abusive relationship where the most problems can occur. Your safety is paramount right now. You need to be ultra alert and aware - just in case.

When you got together you didn't think he would be capable of this so you need to take it seriously that you really do not know what he might be capable of.

 

I would also advise you keep any messages or texts he sends you.

 

He has already shown up once so it would be wise of you to navigate this break up carefully.

[Macaronie]

He's making you feel guilty because he is feeling guilty. You could pick so many faults with him but haven't done and Im guessing he's waiting for you to say something so he's going to try and get in first and have a pop at you.

 

What he's doing is trying to transfer his guilt and make you feel bad about yourself. He's trying to knock your confidence and this isn't a nice thing to do to anyone. It's not a dupable offence yet but its clearly made you think whether or not you want to be with this guy. I would explain how you felt when he started to pick at you for not having as many friends as he wants you to. If he can apologise and lay off you then fine but if he fails to see it from your perspective then ditch him.