BF thinks I’m a lazy reclusive slob

[smackie9]

The OP hasn't responded to this thread, so that should tell you something.........

[smackie9]

After reading her other thread, this guy wasn't the issue in his last relationship. Yes he said she was crazy, horrible, abusive ex...now I'm wondering how truthful that was. He's feeling a bit emasculated with the OP being the bread winner...he is belittling her to boost his fragile ego. This is the beginning of abuse. I believe this guy already had issues out of the gate...now it's really coming to the surface.

 

 

 

My advice is to open yer damn eyes. This guy is using and abusing you. Tell him he can go live with mommy and daddy. kick him to the curb before he drags you down with him.

[coolheadal]

No they didn't. The hired help did all of that.

 

When you say that reminds me of that show called Hazel the maid. I don't know much about that era.. Even the 40's. Your housewife for a reason. Today's women don't do all these sorts of things. Guy's who were raised by them mom will expect the woman to pickup everything they throw around the flat. I think she's better off not being with this guy. Anyway sounds like she doesn't love him again.

[Mentor99]

The issue is exactly as the post describes - he thinks I’m lazy and stay inside all the time!

 

Has he actually said he thinks you're lazy? From the sounds of it you do spend a lot of time inside.

 

as per:

 

I work from home most of the time and sometimes (maybe 2-3 times per week) I go to sit at a coffee shop for a few hours. I prefer to work from home though since I have everything here and I need to make calls constantly, etc.

 

I don’t really have any friends in this city - I know one girl I can go for coffee with occasionally and my boyfriend.

 

So he's right that you do spend a lot your time inside. This isn't bad or good in any way. You can agree and say yes, I prefer to spend time inside. Nothing wrong with that.

 

He will often come home in the evenings and ask me why I haven’t been out all day. He will also question why then I haven’t made plans in the evenings but since I don’t know anyone, where am I going to go?

 

To me this sounds like he's someone who is active and likes doing stuff, and he has a hard time relating to someone who doesn't have plans, goes out etc. Maybe he's concerned that you're isolated and lonely?

 

I have a lot of friends in other places so I hate this notion that I am some weirdo that sits inside all the time and hates people (lol)

 

This sounds like my girlfriend. She has friends all over the world and Skypes / Facetimes with them regularly. Does he know you're in frequent contact with your friends?

 

 

He even made a comment that I’m not as busy as I say and should use this time to socialize or “go out and take a bike ride”. It pisses me off because if I was so lazy, where would this money be coming from that pays all the bills and keeps a roof over his head?

 

Do you ever complain about feeling like you don't have much energy? Or talk about not knowing anybody in the city? A lot of men are problem solvers so when their partner complains they want to try to solve the problem. This might be what he's doing. Being social are active are both great in terms of mental and physical health as well, so he might legitimately be concerned about your well being.

 

He will also complain about things not being done when he gets home. Since I’m here I do things like putting a load of laundry on or washing the dishes, but the other night he actually questioned why I hadn’t cooked him dinner when he arrived home from work since I was “home all day”. What?? Apparently “usually the woman does that”.

 

Sounds like you both have different expectations about this and it's something that needs to be discussed (if you want to stay in the relationship). I work a full 8 hour work day, but generally get home earlier than my girlfriend. I do make sure that dinner is cooked and ready when she arrives (and it's usually exactly what she's asked for). I of course don't think women do the cooking either, but whoever has the time (usually it's me) certainly can.

 

Am I being dramatic? He acts like I'm some lazy freeloader but it's ME that is paying for him all the time and I still get criticized.

 

It's really hard to say. There's what he's saying and meaning, and there's the way you're interpreting what he's saying. We're getting your interpretation only. You need to communicate with him. Let him know that you feel like he thinks you're lazy and maybe even explain what you do during the day and how much work you're doing.

 

I'd dump him for being sexist though.

[Chilli]

Yeah . true. sometimes a partner is some mega active social type they think everyone should be like that or some shyt, but there's more to it with him he's taking his crap out on op and he's got a damn cheek too if she's paying the bills..

 

My w didn't have problems with what l do as such it's just she'd be stuck 9 to 5, my hours were free'er. Mind you l also did 20hour trips leave 7am home 3 or 4am too, or work sunday, or customers 9 at night, all sorts of things. The issues were more some kind of routine for our family and us, or her often busier in my down times or vise verse shyt like that.

Mixed bag pros and cons.

But 10yrs or so she only worked a few days a wk and we had a classic life, did all sorts of things most will only dream, best 10yrs ever.

[SarahUK]

So basically I tried to have a discussion with him and it's just been a nightmare. It is like trying to reason with the insane. If he's made comments in the past such as "I've just got home from work, where's my dinner?" I've acknowledged it then and there as rude and he never apologises, just kind of brushes it off.

 

Today has been the first time I have actually sat him down and said that he needs to think about the way he speaks to people, and that living with him is becoming quite unpleasant.

 

He tries to twist it around to make it my fault. I raised all of these concerns and he just walked off to bed! So I followed him and he said that I am being mean and ungrateful to him, and don't appreciate the fact he has been a loyal boyfriend all this time (wtf?).

 

He says if I think he is such a horrible and nasty person then we can go our seperate ways. Not sure if it's a strange manipulation tactic or he genuinely doesn't care. I told him I'd leave on Saturday and then he said "don't go, we'll see" and went to sleep. So yep.

I think it's incredibly rude to just completely dismiss someone's opinions and feelings and go off to sleep. I personally would be horrified if I offended someone or upset them even inadvertently.

[BaileyB]

So, he is financially unstable, opinionated and demanding, tries to guilt you into doing what he wants, frequently puts you down and tries to make you feel badly about yourself, and is dismissive of your concerns...

 

I'm struggling to understand what you see in this guy and why you stay with him. It doesn't sound like very much fun to live with him?

 

Perhaps, it's time to relocate? Or, since you are paying the rent... kick him out on his behind?

[SarahUK]

This just sounds like a nightmare scenario. He doesn't respect your work, he expects you to have dinner on the table AND go out in the evenings to be social (HUGE logic fail there), and you're the one paying his rent and bills. And you've moved cities for this guy.

 

I'd be reminding him of all that, and see how he reacts. If I were you I'd be expecting HIM to at least do dinner, and many of the chores. If you wanna live somewhere, unless that space is owned by you, you gotta pay rent.

 

The funny thing is that he can't cook. Not one thing. I even taught him how to boil an egg!

[basil67]

He says if I think he is such a horrible and nasty person then we can go our seperate ways.

 

OK so talking to him has no positive outcome.

 

This breakup talk he's doing is all bluff. That said, it's a wonderful opportunity for you to accept his offer and walk away with no guilt. I did exactly that when my ex-h did the same to me. There's no arguing back when you are simply doing as they suggest.

 

What are the logistics of breaking up? Who has signed lease to the place you're in?

[SarahUK]

You need to have a chat with him, especially about the finances. If people have never seen it up close, they think work from home is not work. But its becoming more then norm so he needs to step up.

 

Try joining an entrepreneur group about being self employed. You will meet more like minded people. That should help you build a social network where you are.

 

Thank you! Yes I go to a few meetups for Digital Nomads/Entrepreneurs. The only problem is that they meet quite infrequently - every 2/3 weeks or so. I think it takes time to build up a circle which I'm completely fine with.

[SarahUK]

OK so talking to him has no positive outcome.

 

This breakup talk he's doing is all bluff. That said, it's a wonderful opportunity for you to accept his offer and walk away with no guilt. I did exactly that when my ex-h did the same to me. There's no arguing back when you are simply doing as they suggest.

 

What are the logistics of breaking up? Who has signed lease to the place you're in?

 

You could be right. I think another aspect of this is him being a little controlling.

The funny thing is that everything is in his name. So essentially I could just walk out tomorrow and leave him with rent and bills he cannot afford.

[SarahUK]

In my old age (HAHAHA) I've learned there really ARE two sides to every story. But, if how you describe the situation is accurate, then.........WHAT AN ASS HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!! It sounds like maybe his frail male ego is hurt with you making all the money!??? So he's trying to impose some type of dominance calling you lazy and saying you need to get out more and should have dinner ready for him? As many others have said, it's unbelievable that YOU pay 90% of the bills and he calls YOU lazy and thinks you lay around all day! That is just crazy!

 

I work from home as well and make a lot more money than my wife. But that's not an issue. But you can't sit at your desk all day every day so, yeah, I stand up and do a load of laundry or wash dishes or get the mail, but it's not like I can leave my desk for two hours to go to a meetup or bike ride or whatever! I am expected to be here doing work while I'm at work! JEEZ! I have had experiences with people saying, "Oh, you work from home, can you take care of this thing during the day?" Ummm, no, I'm WORKING!

 

So, if it is as you describe it, he sounds just awful. I would dump him.

 

Thanks for your comment. Yes I get that a lot too with requests to do things during the day! Since I've started out alone I've increased my income by quite a lot already in a short space of time. I hope with remote work becoming increasingly common that people will become more open minded about it.

[MidwestUSA]

You could be right. I think another aspect of this is him being a little controlling.

The funny thing is that everything is in his name. So essentially I could just walk out tomorrow and leave him with rent and bills he cannot afford.

 

 

Do it. If you want to be nice, leave him a dozen eggs.

 

Seriously, he's using you for your money (and cooking). Yet you should feel honored by his presence. WTF!

[SarahUK]

You've been living together for 2 months because of his financial situation, as I understand it. How actively is he looking to redress his situation? My exH also pulled this card and, not to frighten you, made well sure his financial situation never improved (mostly by mismanaging his finances accidentally on purpose).

 

I would urge you to listen to the alarm bells already ringing in your ear. Unless you see concrete, actual, positive moves from him in terms of improving his situation or you both have agreed on a solid plan, you should review your arrangement for it to be on a more equal footing asap.

 

I think it sounds like a similar thing. It makes me angry because he spins this yarn about his financial problems and gets so stressed about his lack of money, but then he will go out and make some outrageous unnecessary purchase.

[SarahUK]

I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. I know people that work from home who have totally let themselves go. I mean they wear pyjamas or sweats all day, don’t bother with hair or make up and have nothing interesting to say because they don’t interact with any humans in real life. It’s nothing to do with money but that sort of lifestyle would be a turn off for me.

 

I don’t think financial situation sounds right at all though, you shouldn’t be supporting him. But if you have no hobbies and no friends and rely on him for social life, it just can’t be healthy for you.

 

That isn't the case at all. I still get dressed and make myself look presentable even though I'm at home. I am not some slovenly person sitting around in sweats! I head out each day, even just for a walk to clear my head or to run errands/go grocery shopping.

 

I also don't rely on him for everything. If you read the post before making me sound like a clingy loner then you would see I mentioned that I have a lot of friends in my hometown and elsewhere, but I have relocated and I am still building a circle here.

To be honest I am leaving every couple of weekends to see friends in other cities, but on the day to day it's not possible.

[SarahUK]

After reading her other thread, this guy wasn't the issue in his last relationship. Yes he said she was crazy, horrible, abusive ex...now I'm wondering how truthful that was. He's feeling a bit emasculated with the OP being the bread winner...he is belittling her to boost his fragile ego. This is the beginning of abuse. I believe this guy already had issues out of the gate...now it's really coming to the surface.

 

 

 

My advice is to open yer damn eyes. This guy is using and abusing you. Tell him he can go live with mommy and daddy. kick him to the curb before he drags you down with him.

 

Yep I know you're right. It's the same guy from the last thread - sorry never posted back with an update. He went from being terrified of relationships to then being the one to suggest we move in together, introducing me to his parents and becoming Mr Commitment.

 

He said one of his ex gfs "went crazy" and kept trying to kill herself. Probably more to that story than just that.

[BaileyB]

There is an old saying... that one shouldn’t suffer a fool gladly.

 

I think this is what we are all trying to say to you, don’t suffer this fool gladly!

[SarahUK]

Has he actually said he thinks you're lazy? From the sounds of it you do spend a lot of time inside.

 

as per:

 

 

 

So he's right that you do spend a lot your time inside. This isn't bad or good in any way. You can agree and say yes, I prefer to spend time inside. Nothing wrong with that.

 

 

 

To me this sounds like he's someone who is active and likes doing stuff, and he has a hard time relating to someone who doesn't have plans, goes out etc. Maybe he's concerned that you're isolated and lonely?

 

 

 

This sounds like my girlfriend. She has friends all over the world and Skypes / Facetimes with them regularly. Does he know you're in frequent contact with your friends?

 

 

 

 

Do you ever complain about feeling like you don't have much energy? Or talk about not knowing anybody in the city? A lot of men are problem solvers so when their partner complains they want to try to solve the problem. This might be what he's doing. Being social are active are both great in terms of mental and physical health as well, so he might legitimately be concerned about your well being.

 

 

 

Sounds like you both have different expectations about this and it's something that needs to be discussed (if you want to stay in the relationship). I work a full 8 hour work day, but generally get home earlier than my girlfriend. I do make sure that dinner is cooked and ready when she arrives (and it's usually exactly what she's asked for). I of course don't think women do the cooking either, but whoever has the time (usually it's me) certainly can.

 

 

 

It's really hard to say. There's what he's saying and meaning, and there's the way you're interpreting what he's saying. We're getting your interpretation only. You need to communicate with him. Let him know that you feel like he thinks you're lazy and maybe even explain what you do during the day and how much work you're doing.

 

I'd dump him for being sexist though.

 

Sorry, I'm quite new to this forum so I don't know how to break your reply up into seperate quotes.

Yes, "lazy" is a term I hear quite constantly/daily. I spend time inside because I am self-employed and work from home. Any office worker would be inside in a specific place from 9-5 too.

 

The funny thing is that he is not really active and doing stuff either. He works 40 hours a week, but mostly when he comes home he plays on the Playstation... yep the Playstation in his mid 30s. I don't really care about that though. Maybe he socialises with friends 2 times a week I will go to a social meetup maybe once a week. If I'm not working or with him though I will go to the gym, go for a walk, etc, so not like he is super active and I am sat inside crying on the sofa with a tub of Ben & Jerrys.

 

As I mentioned, most of the reason my social life is like this at the moment is because I moved cities.

 

I don't really complain about it much. In my opinion, it's not ideal that I have virtually no social life right now, but getting upset about it isn't helping anyone, so I will use that time to be productive, do what I can to meet people and be patient.

[SarahUK]

I think it's obvious he feels like a total loser with a girlfriend almost totally supporting him, which is natural. I think most men would feel humiliated to be in that position. He's jealous, insecure, and trying to drag you down to feeling as bad as he does.

 

I was self-employed and worked mostly from home for 10 years, and I never got any judgment or weirdness from anyone I had a relationship with during that time. In fact, they respected and appreciated that I found my own employment and did it on my terms doing things I enjoyed.

 

Of course, I've never supported a man financially and never will, as I'd find it a huge turn-off and drag.

 

I don't see this lasting. You're on different wavelengths and he'll keep trying to drag you down to his.

 

Thanks Ruby. That's the way it should be!

[littleblackheart]

I think it sounds like a similar thing. It makes me angry because he spins this yarn about his financial problems and gets so stressed about his lack of money, but then he will go out and make some outrageous unnecessary purchase.

 

This will not get better. What you're living now is as good as it gets - it's a slippery slope from now on. There's no point discussing anything, this leopard won't change his spots.

 

That's not advice I normally give easily but in this situation, I have no hesitation as I know too well where this is headed: leave, now.

 

FWIW: the 'loyal bf' line? My exH fed that to me too. Turns out he wasn't. Shocker.

Edited June 8, 2018 by littleblackheart

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm paying 90 percent of the bills and my partner calls me lazy ... criticizes my lifestyle ... skeptically asks about my day?

 

Firing offense. No way. Get rid of this guy.

 

A lot of his behavior reminds me of what controlling and abusive men do ... they get the woman on the defensive for the smallest thing ... and they escalate from there ...

 

He sounds like a bit of a psychopath ... how cold and dismissive he is.

 

You want a guy who comes home and asks you about your day ... and listens with curiosity and openness ... and who rubs your shoulders and hugs you ... and makes clear how much he likes you ...

 

Challenge to you: no ways is this behavior new? What are the red flags you missed early on ... such that you would "sacrifice" for him?

 

I would bet you money that he acted like this earlier in the relationship ... or perhaps you stepped in to "rescue" him ... and rescue his esteem at key points ... I hate the use the word ... and I was like you in this regard ... but most likely you were a doormat at key moments before this ...

 

Suggestion: allow people to earn your trust before you invest in them and commit to them ... don't randomly trust someone just because they're in front of you ... Don't grade them on a curve.

 

You only pay 90 percent of bills for someone who is extraordinarily good for you ... and worthy and kind ... and who does all kind of small things to make your life pleasant and wonderful. Someone who makes you feel like a million bucks ... who encourages you and praises your work and success.

[preraph]

Not that it matters because it's not a good excuse, but my guess is he's feeling a little inadequate because you are paying for everything and making way more money than him and so he's trying to belittle you to bring you down to his level. This is not a good trait. It's crap self-esteem, but it's also vicious. I do think you should leave him. Seems to me you could do better and ought to be someplace where you know people or at least love the scenery and would like to explore on your own.

 

I work at home most of the time too and I got a crack from one of my ex's that I'm friends with about a month ago when I texted him from a restaurant telling and what was playing on the stereo, and he said, Glad you got out of the house. I wrote him back and told him I get out of the house nearly every day which is true. People do make some really weird assumptions when you work at home any. I have one small on-call job that gets me out most days, but my main block of work is at home.

 

It is true it affords you a little more flexibility to maybe put a load of laundry in, but I often find myself too busy to even go to the grocery store or cook so most days I will eat lunch out on the way home from the morning job.

 

But really he just sounds like he's looking for something to make himself feel superior to you. It's not good in the problem with you putting up with it and hoping he starts feeling better about himself is once you show someone that you will put up with that sort of insulting treatment, they're unlikely to go back to treating you better. You're free to move wherever you want so pick a nice place and go there and have a blast.

[Purrrfect]

The terrible state of his finances would be a dealbreaker.

 

Since he hardly pays rent what does he blow his money on? Garbage debt? A high car payment? You sound like a smart woman who IMO is too mature and responsibilite for him.

 

His credit probably sucks too. Do you actually see a future with him?

 

He needs to get on a debt payment plan. He should take a Financial peace class.

 

I would lose patience with him real quick. If I were you since he’s living almost rent free I’d be demanding to know where his money goes.

 

Good luck

[Els]

So basically I tried to have a discussion with him and it's just been a nightmare. It is like trying to reason with the insane. If he's made comments in the past such as "I've just got home from work, where's my dinner?" I've acknowledged it then and there as rude and he never apologises, just kind of brushes it off.

 

Today has been the first time I have actually sat him down and said that he needs to think about the way he speaks to people, and that living with him is becoming quite unpleasant.

 

He tries to twist it around to make it my fault. I raised all of these concerns and he just walked off to bed! So I followed him and he said that I am being mean and ungrateful to him, and don't appreciate the fact he has been a loyal boyfriend all this time (wtf?).

 

He says if I think he is such a horrible and nasty person then we can go our seperate ways. Not sure if it's a strange manipulation tactic or he genuinely doesn't care. I told him I'd leave on Saturday and then he said "don't go, we'll see" and went to sleep. So yep.

I think it's incredibly rude to just completely dismiss someone's opinions and feelings and go off to sleep. I personally would be horrified if I offended someone or upset them even inadvertently.

 

So basically we can add "rude and manipulative" to the existing traits of entitled, bad with finances, unappreciative, sexist, and thoughtless.

 

Want to talk about why you're actually still with him?

[Els]

You know that 50's and 60's women did more in the house than they do today if they all into the career. I rather have a woman that helps out 50% as it's a equal share of help. No one should do all the work in the house. Outside I'll do it 100%. I was rise to do all the work by two loving parents. Now that I am with someone she does it all in the house because of that I feel I should do the things I was raise to do. She'll jump out to fill the tank of gas in the vehicle. We both go shopping for food she'll be the first one to grab all the bags. Wow! I use to do all that and cook for all the women I've dated and live with prior but this woman met at work and moved in with me is a keeper! Not because of what she does for me but for what I like about her! We do get alone.. I do pay all the bills now because I have two jobs and work over 40, 50 to 60 hours a week. She and I wasn't making much at the job we were met from. She gave me about 45% of the bills and I paid the rest. Thank GOD no MORT here everything in that department was paid off years ago..

 

My point was that the OP's boyfriend would be single (and probably homeless) in the 1950s. Most traditional women would be aghast at the thought of a partner who only paid 10% of the bills. He would certainly not have a woman putting food on the table for him when he got home!

 

OP's boyfriend isn't "traditional", he's an entitled mooch.