BF thinks I’m a lazy reclusive slob

[kendahke]

So basically I tried to have a discussion with him and it's just been a nightmare. It is like trying to reason with the insane. If he's made comments in the past such as "I've just got home from work, where's my dinner?" I've acknowledged it then and there as rude and he never apologises, just kind of brushes it off.

 

Today has been the first time I have actually sat him down and said that he needs to think about the way he speaks to people, and that living with him is becoming quite unpleasant.

 

He tries to twist it around to make it my fault. I raised all of these concerns and he just walked off to bed! So I followed him and he said that I am being mean and ungrateful to him, and don't appreciate the fact he has been a loyal boyfriend all this time (wtf?).

 

He says if I think he is such a horrible and nasty person then we can go our seperate ways. Not sure if it's a strange manipulation tactic or he genuinely doesn't care. I told him I'd leave on Saturday and then he said "don't go, we'll see" and went to sleep.

 

Go and don't see anything more with him.

 

Stop being in high dudgeon over what he said but sticking around for more abuse and being shocked that you're getting more abuse.

 

He's let you know exactly how he esteems you and it is completely lacking in respect.

 

You deserve far better than that.

 

Make sure on Saturday, you and all of your belongings are gone from his house. Let him figure out how he's going to make ends meet. He's a grown man, not a child. It's been time for him to have figured this out for himself.

[ShyLove]

Hi OP

 

May I ask what you do like about this guy? From your post and responses I think you would be so much better off without him. You work from home and make a good income meaning you have lots of options regarding your living situation so go find your peace.

 

Have you ever thought about starting your own meetup group? I did so a few years back and its actually a lot of work setting up and organizing events but I met sooo many cool people by doing so!! I'm sure you would experience the same, especially if you are in or close to a city. So just think about it

 

P.S. I still think you should leave him though haha Maybe you can meet someone else through the meetup group you start

 

Good Luck

[smackie9]

him+being a freeloader=should be kicked to curb.

[bathtub-row]

You need a guy who’s successful in his own right and who actually has brains in his head. Seriously, this guy is so far away from you on the mental plane it’s amazing it lasted a year. I won’t even bring maturity into the discussion.

 

My suggestion is to walk away and move back to your hometown, if it won’t adversely affect your business.

[guest569]

I agree it can be very hard to up and leave, but I think this guy will push you past a certain point and make it surprisingly easy for you. If he hasn’t already. His behaviours and beliefs would be hard deal breakers for me and would cancel out any decent qualities he may have. The fact that he reacted defensively instead of listening and thinking and apologising makes it even worse. Has he said anything about the matter since? I worry that he may already be making your confidence lower and self doubt creep in. The fact you have asked us if your feelings are warranted is a concern. Stay strong, stand up for yourself and do what is right for you. He should not be treating you this way! It is completely unacceptable and I would even say it is abuse (verbal and psychological) that will only worsen in time. I agree that there is a lot more to the story of why his ex “went crazy”, he drove her crazy and he will do the same to you if you stick around long enough!

[GemmaUK]

Sarah,

 

Do you own a Kindle?

If you don't then either get one or download the free app from Amazon uk to your phone or tablet - then look up Jerk Radar as an e-book.

 

Talking to him will get you nowhere - this guy loves to argue so will have every counter attack to any conversation you are having about how you feel.

 

Another great read is 'Aunty Alex's Army Manual. How to free yourself from a Narc' (a great read whether he is a narc or not - my ex was not a narc but a lot applied to his behaviour).

 

Read both - your man is in there.

 

You will learn a lot and feel a lot more sure of your feelings and you will learn how to avoid this type of guy in the future too.

[BaileyB]

The consensus is pretty much unanimous... May I ask Sarah, are you planning to leave this guy? Or, are you planning to stick it out a little longer?

[JuneL]

Is this guy super hot? Also, he has a full-time job and yet you're paying almost all the rent and bills. Did he depend on his mama for financial support before y moved in?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

So let me get this straight.

 

You moved to his city so he doesn't have to move.

He's paying only 0-10% of your shared rent and bills.

And he's STILL whining about you "being lazy" and not having dinner on the table for him every night?

 

What a complete and utter lack of self-awareness. I usually advise couples to talk things out, but in your case unfortunately I doubt that any amount of talking can rectify a personality like that. I'd tell him he's a lazy, freeloading, entitled slob and that you're done keeping a roof over his head, and leave. Hopefully you're not on too long a lease, but even then you can just leave and send 50% of the rent to the rental agency, he's liable for the remainder. You can also cancel all bills in your name immediately.

 

I def agree! Dump this guy asap, he not only doesn't do anything himself, he is biting the hand that feeds him (you). The dynamic will never change, you will continue supporting his lazy butt, while he berates you for not doing enough. Him putting you down, makes him feel better about himself.

[bachdude]

Yeah, he suddenly became ‘Mr Commitment’ because he needed your finances!

 

Now he calls you lazy! Who does that in his situation?? He’s either completely cut off from reality or he’s intentionally chipping away at self esteem. Both are bad.

 

So he gone all day and everything is in his name. Perfect! Pack up when he leaves for the day and don’t look back. Party time is over for him!

[LurkerXX]

I would say leave, but not in such a hurry as to put yourself in a bind. Get your new lease and other things in order; do it gracefully. When all that is ready, then get the stuff out; do that in a hurry if you wish, because he is likely to make things difficult for you.

 

This guy...when the going gets even mildly tough, like saying no to those unecessary big purchases if his savings is not up to snuff...he likes to put others down (mainly you). Undiciplined and mean. Not a good person to be around when times are good, and it will be worse when times are bad.

Edited June 9, 2018 by LurkerXX

[SarahUK]

Thanks all for your responses.

 

I am leaving him on Saturday and will be staying with family for 2 weeks before finally starting afresh with this remote/digital nomad lifestyle and heading first to Dubai for a few months!

 

He has gotten worse and worse since then. The other part of this which I didn't mention is constant criticisms - everything from house stuff, to the being lazy and antisocial thing I mentioned to my appearance. He is also Greek and I am British, so maybe culture difference is a part of it. His mother runs around after him like he is still in nappies so maybe that's how he sees women should be.

 

I know the image of someone that works from home - probably sloppy and sitting in their pyjamas but I always get up, get dressed and do my makeup everyday the same as I did when I worked in an office.

 

The constant criticisms make him a pain to be around and I feel like it's driving me crazy. He is majorly OCD about cleanliness and when he comes home he will be crouched on the kitchen floor inspecting it for crumbs. If there is a small crumb of a croissant or something I never hear the end of it. He doesn't acknowledge that though and never tried to see things from my perspective.

 

He was on a business trip for a few days and I had done all the laundry, cleaned the kitchen and changed the bed sheets and was pleased at the prospect of a quiet day yet he starts complaining immediately that the throw on the sofa was in disarray and the kitchen floor hadn't been mopped (we actually mopped it on Sunday and there is nothing wrong with it). He complains I'm not affectionate with him but why should I be after all that? He never really makes plans with me or tries to organise anything nice. He goes to work, goes to the gym and then plays on his playstation until bedtime.

 

He's gone out now and he just had a rant that he's given up his friends and social life to be trapped inside with me like he's in a cell but I never asked him to do that. Beside we're not exactly spending quality time together since he's in one room playing the PlayStation and I'm in another working! I've had enough now just so angry and feel like even waiting another 36 hours is a torture!

 

The other day he sat me down and told me that my toe nail polish had chipped and I should take more care with my appearance like Greek women do ?

Then he said sometimes I do my mascara in a hurry and it makes him embarsssed to be seen with me. Wtf?

[coolheadal]

My point was that the OP's boyfriend would be single (and probably homeless) in the 1950s. Most traditional women would be aghast at the thought of a partner who only paid 10% of the bills. He would certainly not have a woman putting food on the table for him when he got home!

 

OP's boyfriend isn't "traditional", he's an entitled mooch.

 

Oh that's what your were referring too. My point was that he thought of her more like his mom would have been. The bills 10% might be all he could afford. If she's making 90% more than he does and that sound like this case. Really it's up to her to make the final call? We here on LS can only advise her what we all would do in such a situation.

[bathtub-row]

Sarah, glad to hear you’ll be out of there soon. Does he know you’re leaving? I’m not sure I’d tell him. He sounds like a nutcase.

[SarahUK]

Sarah, glad to hear you’ll be out of there soon. Does he know you’re leaving? I’m not sure I’d tell him. He sounds like a nutcase.

 

He knows I'm visiting family for 2 weeks but he doesn't know that I don't plan on coming back. I might just leave that conversation until I'm away.

[heavenonearth]

 

The other day he sat me down and told me that my toe nail polish had chipped and I should take more care with my appearance like Greek women do ?

Then he said sometimes I do my mascara in a hurry and it makes him embarsssed to be seen with me. Wtf?

 

This is insane! I never heard anything like this! So glad you are leaving this silly guy! I don't think he'll ever find a woman who'd permanently succumb to this crapola! Good luck to you!

[bathtub-row]

He knows I'm visiting family for 2 weeks but he doesn't know that I don't plan on coming back. I might just leave that conversation until I'm away.

 

Sounds perfect!

[Zahara]

The other day he sat me down and told me that my toe nail polish had chipped and I should take more care with my appearance like Greek women do ?

Then he said sometimes I do my mascara in a hurry and it makes him embarsssed to be seen with me. Wtf?

 

I bet the moment he realizes you're gone, he going to sing a different tune. Just don't give in when he does because he will only be doing it because he's lost a benefit.

[guest569]

Gosh, this guy just gets better and better. With his lifestyle it seems like he is bringing nothing to the table at all. Least of all romantically.

[BaileyB]

I wish you well in your travels. Glad to hear you are planning to get away from this man.

[Mentor99]

OP these types of relationships are great learning experiences. Time to reflect on what made you fall for him in the first place and make such a huge leap with someone so unsuited to you.

 

I've done it too, but after a lot of self-reflection came out much stronger and smarter on the other side.

[No_Go]

I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. I know people that work from home who have totally let themselves go. I mean they wear pyjamas or sweats all day, don’t bother with hair or make up and have nothing interesting to say because they don’t interact with any humans in real life. It’s nothing to do with money but that sort of lifestyle would be a turn off for me.

 

I don’t think financial situation sounds right at all though, you shouldn’t be supporting him. But if you have no hobbies and no friends and rely on him for social life, it just can’t be healthy for you.

 

^^^ This. I suspect it is not about the fact you're being 'lazy' in terms of not working, but 'lazy' in terms of your looks. I'm sure he won't tell you the truth anyway, but if you stay in sweats/pajamas with messy hair and no make up....... That's what bothers him.

 

For the financial situation, I've done this with BFs and it always made me feel powerful at first when I started supporting them, but then resentment will start building up... Just too much inequality unless he contributes with something else substantially...

[No_Go]

 

I know the image of someone that works from home - probably sloppy and sitting in their pyjamas but I always get up, get dressed and do my makeup everyday the same as I did when I worked in an office.

 

 

All right, just read that after posting, seems like you're not letting yourself go and he's just a jerk.... Although I still suspect is something appearance-wise more than anything. E.g. if you gained weight he maybe equating this with 'lazy'.

 

It is also cultural - Greek men are like this, criticizing their woman is kind of the norm over there....

[JuneL]

OP: Since you’ve been paying almost all the bills/rents, I don’t think you need to leave him $$ when you move out.

[SarahUK]

OP these types of relationships are great learning experiences. Time to reflect on what made you fall for him in the first place and make such a huge leap with someone so unsuited to you.

 

I've done it too, but after a lot of self-reflection came out much stronger and smarter on the other side.

 

 

You are right. I am so upset really both at the way things worked out and my own stupidity to not notice that someone was using me. I am too nice I think and always want to help people.

 

I suggested to him that we split rent and bills 50/50 and he got really angry and said that we had an agreement that I paid them all. I said that when someone treats me like this and criticises me all the time then I don't feel motivated to pay all of their bills.

 

He said I was "punishing" him for his criticisms and said he never wants to see me again and not to speak to him until I leave ?

 

I never had someone see me as a sugar mama before. Not sure I like it! Most of my boyfriends were much wealthier and more successful than me but I always insisted on paying my way. I think it's shameful if you don't.