Ex GF chose rebound over me

[Adiron]

Sounds like you're finally accepting that it's over.

 

 

good job keep it moving

[Mac0908]

Quick update:

 

She texted me happy birthday and very short small talk. I cut it short. The next day she snapped me a couple of times and texted me again. Her texts were playful and she was sort of being flirty and was talking like how she did when we were together. Small talk again through text and then at 2am

 

I will never understand in a million years why some people just don't have the ability to listen. It's not just me who put in a ton of advice on this thread, there were others as well. It's like do you think we are all talking out of our a-ses? You entertained her happy birthday/I want some validation text. Wrong. You entertained her snaps and additional texts. Wrong. You gave her the attention. You listened to nothing we said. I'm afraid you've learned nothing.

 

If you're that desperate for this woman back who not only left you, but left you for another GUY, you are to say one thing and one thing only if she ever contacts you. That is that it's nice to hear from you, but you are busy, can't talk, but let me know if you want to come over sometime and catch up. This will cut right through her BS, and there's a 95% chance its just validation seeking BS which you gave her.

[Adiron]

I will never understand in a million years why some people just don't have the ability to listen. It's not just me who put in a ton of advice on this thread, there were others as well. It's like do you think we are all talking out of our a-ses?

 

Frustrating isn't it? It's been my experience on relationship forums such as this one that people who post their stories looking for advice are not in a position to take it. He'll figure it out, unfortunately he's going to waste a lot of time and emotional energy screwing around with his ex until he gets strong enough to tell her where she needs to go.

 

It may help to realize that although his course of action is clear to you, to me, to other helpful posters- to him it's not. Emotions -especially FEAR- rule over logic and common sense. No different than a battered woman who stays with her abuser even though it's clear that she needs to have him arrested and jailed yet continues to defend him and blame herself.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Adiron

[brokenheart901]

You guys are a 100% right. She doesnt give a flying crap about me and im here thinking about her. The mind does really play tricks. I know how toxic she is, i know how much crap shes put me through, but it always finds a way to bring back the good memories. She sent me a snap again yesterday i opened it and didnt respond and will continue NC. My question is, why would she want attention/validation when she already has someone in her life? I dint wanna give her anymore validation. Not sure what she's tryna do

[ExpatInItaly]

You guys are a 100% right. She doesnt give a flying crap about me and im here thinking about her. The mind does really play tricks. I know how toxic she is, i know how much crap shes put me through, but it always finds a way to bring back the good memories. She sent me a snap again yesterday i opened it and didnt respond and will continue NC. My question is, why would she want attention/validation when she already has someone in her life? I dint wanna give her anymore validation. Not sure what she's tryna do

 

We've already answered this a few times - she's trying to make sure you'll be her Plan B again if things don't work out with her current boyfriend.

 

That's all there is to it.

[brokenheart901]

We've already answered this a few times - she's trying to make sure you'll be her Plan B again if things don't work out with her current boyfriend.

 

That's all there is to it.

 

But im not gonna take her back. So why would she even bother and how would she know if im interested vs me just conversing with her?

[ExpatInItaly]

But im not gonna take her back. So why would she even bother and how would she know if im interested vs me just conversing with her?

 

Because she doesn't believe that; your history with her indicates you will take her back. She knows you're head over heels for her, so she's making the logical assumption that you will probably give in.

 

The fact that you are even conversing with her tells her all she needs to know. You keep showing her you are still interested, every time you respond to her. You can say you won't take her back, but your actions don't show a very strong conviction not to do so.

[Mac0908]

You guys are a 100% right. She doesnt give a flying crap about me and im here thinking about her. The mind does really play tricks. I know how toxic she is, i know how much crap shes put me through, but it always finds a way to bring back the good memories. She sent me a snap again yesterday i opened it and didnt respond and will continue NC. My question is, why would she want attention/validation when she already has someone in her life? I dint wanna give her anymore validation. Not sure what she's tryna do

 

And that's fine if you are thinking about her. That's normal. The mind tends to only remember the good things first, after a little while. That being said, thoughts and actions are two completely different things, and you must be mature and wise enough to control your actions.

[Adiron]

But im not gonna take her back. So why would she even bother and how would she know if im interested vs me just conversing with her?

 

 

Some of the things that you have recently said and done make it clear that you are very conflicted. It appears, at least to me and most likely to her, that if she showed up at your doorstep in tears, and said she made a huge mistake and wants back in you'd take her right back. It's normal, it's understandable but you need to be honest with yourself so you can get back on track and keep moving in a direction that takes you mentally and physically away from her and back in control of your own life.

[Beachead]

You guys are a 100% right. She doesnt give a flying crap about me and im here thinking about her. The mind does really play tricks. I know how toxic she is, i know how much crap shes put me through, but it always finds a way to bring back the good memories. She sent me a snap again yesterday i opened it and didnt respond and will continue NC. My question is, why would she want attention/validation when she already has someone in her life? I dint wanna give her anymore validation. Not sure what she's tryna do

 

OP,

 

Because she's insecure about herself. So she'll play her cards in a way where she can always have a guy on the side for the attention and it doesn't matter who it is. She can get it from her guy friends, she can get it from her exes, and she can get it from her boyfriend.

 

One of the toughest lessons I struggled to learn was how to respect myself. By treating yourself like garbage, you are coincidently teaching people it's okay to do the same because you show them you have no limits or boundaries. You don't know how to say no. You don't know when to stand up for yourself. You don't know when to walk away. People can read this just as they read body language.

 

She left you for another guy and is using you to curb her boredom until she finds a more suitable prospect. You my friend are nothing but a doormat to her. A bus stop that isn't her final destination, Clothes she leaves in a closet for when she wants to wear them at the right occasion. Someone who'll make her feel wanted and sexy without her even having to give anything back.

 

She says things like "I just wanted to talk for a bit because I'm bored.." and it doesn't piss you off at all when it should. It's disrespectful OP.

 

But, you are naturally prioritizing why she is messaging you and what it could all mean over the blunt fact that she is treating you like a chump...and that is because you are not in control of yourself. In the process, you will treat yourself like crap just to interact with her one more time. She knows this because she can read it in your actions just like everyone on this thread did. You've already showed her you can be taken advantage of several times now and there's no going back with it. She knows she's doing you wrong and she doesn't care because you don't care and because she's a crappy person, she takes advantage of it because she can.

 

Someone who truly wants you in their life won't confuse you or give you the run around. You won't have to pull your hair out figuring them out. They're consistent. They make you feel wanted. Make you feel good about yourself. Someone who is insincere and has alterior motives will make you feel the way she is doing. What this situation requires is a 100% cutoff from her. Block her off of snapchat and every other social media tool there is and never respond to her nor check her online stories again, so you can slowly heal. You're not going to win her back and even if I am wrong and you did, she'll continue treating you like trash and will leave you again.

 

The goal for you shouldn't be winning this girl back. It should to use this as practice to begin learning how to respect yourself. It's okay to feel upset and angry. We've all been there. But, you cannot neglect yourself.

 

Start thinking about your life.

 

- Beach

Edited June 21, 2018 by Beachead

[brokenheart901]

OP,

 

Because she's insecure about herself. So she'll play her cards in a way where she can always have a guy on the side for the attention and it doesn't matter who it is. She can get it from her guy friends, she can get it from her exes, and she can get it from her boyfriend.

 

One of the toughest lessons I struggled to learn was how to respect myself. By treating yourself like garbage, you are coincidently teaching people it's okay to do the same because you show them you have no limits or boundaries. You don't know how to say no. You don't know when to stand up for yourself. You don't know when to walk away. People can read this just as they read body language.

 

She left you for another guy and is using you to curb her boredom until she finds a more suitable prospect. You my friend are nothing but a doormat to her. A bus stop that isn't her final destination, Clothes she leaves in a closet for when she wants to wear them at the right occasion. Someone who'll make her feel wanted and sexy without her even having to give anything back.

 

She says things like "I just wanted to talk for a bit because I'm bored.." and it doesn't piss you off at all when it should. It's disrespectful OP.

 

But, you are naturally prioritizing why she is messaging you and what it could all mean over the blunt fact that she is treating you like a chump...and that is because you are not in control of yourself. In the process, you will treat yourself like crap just to interact with her one more time. She knows this because she can read it in your actions just like everyone on this thread did. You've already showed her you can be taken advantage of several times now and there's no going back with it. She knows she's doing you wrong and she doesn't care because you don't care and because she's a crappy person, she takes advantage of it because she can.

 

Someone who truly wants you in their life won't confuse you or give you the run around. You won't have to pull your hair out figuring them out. They're consistent. They make you feel wanted. Make you feel good about yourself. Someone who is insincere and has alterior motives will make you feel the way she is doing. What this situation requires is a 100% cutoff from her. Block her off of snapchat and every other social media tool there is and never respond to her nor check her online stories again, so you can slowly heal. You're not going to win her back and even if I am wrong and you did, she'll continue treating you like trash and will leave you again.

 

The goal for you shouldn't be winning this girl back. It should to use this as practice to begin learning how to respect yourself. It's okay to feel upset and angry. We've all been there. But, you cannot neglect yourself.

 

Start thinking about your life.

 

- Beach

 

You're right on man. i found out some stuff about her recently too that made me kind of hurt and mad. Mad at myself for allowing myself to fall for her lies and taking her word for everything. You guys are right. She is insecure and she does want attention. She said it herself that she cant be alone. I know i dodged a bullet, but sometimes i wish she was the person i had in my head. I lost myself being with her and youre right i need go get my life back together. Any other tips/suggestions would be appreciated

[Beachead]

You're right on man. i found out some stuff about her recently too that made me kind of hurt and mad. Mad at myself for allowing myself to fall for her lies and taking her word for everything. You guys are right. She is insecure and she does want attention. She said it herself that she cant be alone. I know i dodged a bullet, but sometimes i wish she was the person i had in my head. I lost myself being with her and youre right i need go get my life back together. Any other tips/suggestions would be appreciated

 

As many of us have.

 

Just keep in mind you're dealing with an addiction, not love. Think of what you're going through as withdrawal. She's the drug. Interacting with her will relieve the pain for the short-term but in the long-term will keep you dependant as well as damage you far worse. Your mind is trying to trick you into interacting with her because the pain of moving forward is terrible compared to the momentary satisfaction interacting with her even though those interactions are poor. And while this is going on, she's trying to lure you back for her own selfish needs. Put both together and you could end up being stuck on this for years.

 

Key thing to accept is she gone (Emotionally) and she's not coming back and even if she does, she's not the girl you want or wish she could be. You'll begin to move on when you start discovering you're capable of genuinely smiling and laughing in a life after this breakup. In order to do that, you have to start thinking about the things that make you happy and motivate you. Things that have nothing to do with her or relationships. That's the start point.

 

Because your confidence and self-worth are minimal, alone time for you is crucial. It'll allow you to reflect on this and gain some clarity as well as allow you to begin going after your goals. Those goals could be school related, career related, physically related, spiritual or emotionally related or maybe a combination of some of them or all of them etc. Get better, grow, become stronger and learn from your mistakes. Learn learn learn. This has to be for you and you only. Not about getting a girlfriend.

 

When the goals are genuinely for you, you're going to rediscover who you are, what you're capable of and you will feel your confidence and self-worth come back from your accumulating personal achievements. It's going to change you..believe me. Time will go on and one day you will look back at this relationship and feel relieved it ended because your current life will be so much better than what it was with her.

You'll be a different guy by the time the next relationship comes along..and it will.

 

All this will be up to you. No one else. That's the catch and that's why you need to cut this girl out. You need you right now.

 

Stay Strong man

 

- Beach

Edited June 21, 2018 by Beachead

[brokenheart901]

As many of us have.

 

Just keep in mind you're dealing with an addiction, not love. Think of what you're going through as withdrawal. She's the drug. Interacting with her will relieve the pain for the short-term but in the long-term will keep you dependant as well as damage you far worse. Your mind is trying to trick you into interacting with her because the pain of moving forward is terrible compared to the momentary satisfaction interacting with her even though those interactions are poor. And while this is going on, she's trying to lure you back for her own selfish needs. Put both together and you could end up being stuck on this for years.

 

Key thing to accept is she gone (Emotionally) and she's not coming back and even if she does, she's not the girl you want or wish she could be. You'll begin to move on when you start discovering you're capable of genuinely smiling and laughing in a life after this breakup. In order to do that, you have to start thinking about the things that make you happy and motivate you. Things that have nothing to do with her or relationships. That's the start point.

 

Because your confidence and self-worth are minimal, alone time for you is crucial. It'll allow you to reflect on this and gain some clarity as well as allow you to begin going after your goals. Those goals could be school related, career related, physically related, spiritual or emotionally related or maybe a combination of some of them or all of them etc. Get better, grow, become stronger and learn from your mistakes. Learn learn learn. This has to be for you and you only. Not about getting a girlfriend.

 

When the goals are genuinely for you, you're going to rediscover who you are, what you're capable of and you will feel your confidence and self-worth come back from your accumulating personal achievements. It's going to change you..believe me. Time will go on and one day you will look back at this relationship and feel relieved it ended because your current life will be so much better than what it was with her.

You'll be a different guy by the time the next relationship comes along..and it will.

 

All this will be up to you. No one else. That's the catch and that's why you need to cut this girl out. You need you right now.

 

Stay Strong man

 

- Beach

 

Thanks for those words man. Much needed. No matter how much I try to focus on my goals and try to study for school, I just cant get her out of my head. I had so much in mind to do this summer in terms of studying, but im soo unmotivated and cant get her out of my head. I know its normal to go through this but Im having suchh a hard time just letting her go. The thought of her telling the same stuff she used to tell me to him and having sex with him just sets me back. I dont know how to control my thoughts. I really wanna get over her, as this is affecting my life. I keep on questioning her motives for contacting me. And although everyone is right saying shes just using me as a doormat, im having difficulty accepting it. The sad thing is that my whole summer will be wasted just trying to get over her.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Thanks for those words man. Much needed. No matter how much I try to focus on my goals and try to study for school, I just cant get her out of my head. I had so much in mind to do this summer in terms of studying, but im soo unmotivated and cant get her out of my head. I know its normal to go through this but Im having suchh a hard time just letting her go. The thought of her telling the same stuff she used to tell me to him and having sex with him just sets me back. I dont know how to control my thoughts. I really wanna get over her, as this is affecting my life. I keep on questioning her motives for contacting me. And although everyone is right saying shes just using me as a doormat, im having difficulty accepting it. The sad thing is that my whole summer will be wasted just trying to get over her.

 

What do you have to study?

[brokenheart901]

What do you have to study?

 

I have to study for my DAT that i was supposed to take by the end of the summer. But this crap has consumed me so much, no matter how much i try to study, her thoughts keep coming to me. Its been getting worse lately too and ive been very stressed

[brokenheart901]

I've been feeling very crappy lately. I just dont know how to let go of false hope guys. It just sucks. i havent been initiating anything. She snapchatted me a day ago and we exchanged a few messages. She was writing more than i was writing and She was responding right away. But then she cut it short. Its that false hope. And I know i should block her from everywhere, but I just cant get myself to do it. Im fine with NC and not initiating anything but I just cant seem to delete her and block her. I feel sooo weak and my mind has gotten worse. Idk why but i keep comparing myself to the other guy still knowing that he's much more insecure and beta than me.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I have to study for my DAT that i was supposed to take by the end of the summer. But this crap has consumed me so much, no matter how much i try to study, her thoughts keep coming to me. Its been getting worse lately too and ive been very stressed

 

Could you enlighten me further on exactly you need to study for in order to pass?

[brokenheart901]

Could you enlighten me further on exactly you need to study for in order to pass?

 

Its a standardized test that i have to take in order to get into Dental school. It requires a lot of studying and I had this summer to study but my mind isnt even in the right mindset as i constantly think about her. It sucks

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Its a standardized test that i have to take in order to get into Dental school. It requires a lot of studying and I had this summer to study but my mind isnt even in the right mindset as i constantly think about her. It sucks

 

What are some of the more common questions that you find you need to study harder for? Is there an area that you find yourself struggling with? Have you looked into some sample tests in order to quiz your knowledge? Is that even possible?

[brokenheart901]

What are some of the more common questions that you find you need to study harder for? Is there an area that you find yourself struggling with? Have you looked into some sample tests in order to quiz your knowledge? Is that even possible?

 

Its all about time. But like i said, there are books that i have to review that focus on each section. But whenever i try reading thoss, i cannt comprehend anything as my mind just dozes off. I reallt dont know what to do at this point. Some days i feel like giving up because this is actually affecting me so much. Id always been a smart kid, did really good in college, but this whole breakup has changed me and i feel so unmotivated to do anything. Prolly my lowest point in life.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Its all about time. But like i said, there are books that i have to review that focus on each section. But whenever i try reading thoss, i cannt comprehend anything as my mind just dozes off. I reallt dont know what to do at this point. Some days i feel like giving up because this is actually affecting me so much. Id always been a smart kid, did really good in college, but this whole breakup has changed me and i feel so unmotivated to do anything. Prolly my lowest point in life.

 

Everything is all about time? I'm afraid I'm not understanding. Would you be willing to explain it further?

 

What sections do you need to focus on further? Are you having trouble with those sections that you need to complete?

 

What are your plans after your pass the exam? Are you planning on traveling the world before you settle down in a place with a great job?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I see you want to steer every conversation toward her. I get it, she's in your mind. Many people have had the same problem including myself. I'm trying to steer you away from that but you dodge my questions better than a politician does.

 

So, focus on the first part of your replies and leave out the rest which coincidentally include her taking residence in your mind. You can't make someone choose you man, you have to let go.

 

If you don't want to let her go and will still entertain her communication, quit being a bitch about it. You're better than that and you know it.

 

Focus on your career, it's obviously important to you.

[Beachead]

I know how you feel man. Believe me.

 

The hardest part of healing is letting go of hope . Much of what you're feeling has to do with the neurological processes going on in your brain which is largely out of your control. That is why you can't reason or think your way into feeling better even if people give you sound advice or you yourself know why something didn't work out.

 

You will have to ride it out, cry it out, suffer it out but at the same time not give up on yourself. Do this and you WILL get better but it will take time. You will have accept that and forgive yourself because that is the human way. Our egos get in the way sometimes and we want to rush the healing process but it doesnt' work that way. For that reason alone, I will say give yourself a minimum of a year. Minimum. The seemingly long time period will take the pressure off of you. If you assume you'll be good in 3 months and you're still hurting..you will feel like something is wrong with you when really there isn't. But 1 year is long enough to definitely show change. By then, you will feel better and even if thoughts may linger, you will be considerably clearer about your situation.

 

I was so out of it after my breakup last year that I ended up being let go a few months into a new job. It was largely do to other reasons as well but my heartache and my inability to concentrate certainly played a role. I fell into deep sadness after that. Decided to just take it easy for 2-3 months and let myself heal which really helped. The first 4 months were especially hard for me. It's been over 10 months now and I can say I feel much better. Yes, I feel sadness at times because scars take time to fade and in some cases never go away but overall, I have complete clarity about my situation. I am also able to focused again.

 

Sometimes trying to push yourself into studying or working can work against you as well because these kinds of tasks require demanding amounts of focus that may displaces emotions you need to feel. If you feel like you can't get your mind off of her, consider writing your DAT for the next session if it is possible for you. This will give yourself some time off and some leeway to let yourself get through the bad days and cry it out without the added stress from other aspects of your life. It doesn't mean you lie in bed for months (Though you can certainly do that. It just won't be healthy though). It means, use the time to do less demanding tasks. Ggo to the gym. Maybe travel. Maybe go for walks. Relax at home with family or friends or people who make you feel good. Lighten the life up.

 

Feeling is part of healing and that is important for you too.

 

- Beach

Edited June 26, 2018 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been feeling very crappy lately. I just dont know how to let go of false hope guys. It just sucks. i havent been initiating anything. She snapchatted me a day ago and we exchanged a few messages. She was writing more than i was writing and She was responding right away. But then she cut it short. Its that false hope. And I know i should block her from everywhere, but I just cant get myself to do it. Im fine with NC and not initiating anything but I just cant seem to delete her and block her. I feel sooo weak and my mind has gotten worse. Idk why but i keep comparing myself to the other guy still knowing that he's much more insecure and beta than me.

 

You're not in No Contact, so how could you assume you're find with it?

 

This will never get better if you insist on allowing her to play games with you. That's all this is to her. You are in no place to be judging another guy as insecure and "beta", OP.

[brokenheart901]

I know it's part of the process. This false hope sucks but im slowly tryna get rid of it. Even if she was to come back, it would never be the same like it once was. She's been posting a lot on her story, but ofc i havent been watching any. Lately, ive just been feeling this emptiness inside of me. Like im trying to be happy but something feels really empty in me. Im thinking about staying off social media for a while and just try to learn how to be alone and happy. Im not trying to date yet, as its still fresh. It just sucks how she moved on soo quickly and is happy. Doesnt even think about me and here i am worrying what shes doin with her new bf.