CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 And you should let his wife know that he is back. No need to further waste her time. Is he ready to be openly in relationship with you? Or is it a case of business as usual. OP, I assume you've given him an ultimatum - either you or her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 If he truly loved and cared about you, wouldn’t he want you to be happy and find a nice “unattached” guy you could have a future with? yes.. he often tells me this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 OP, I assume you've given him an ultimatum - either you or her? I didn't.. he came back on his own... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 I didn't.. he came back on his own... No, I mean NOW you're giving him ultimatum....right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 No, I mean NOW you're giving him ultimatum....right? I don't know... honestly... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) I don't know... honestly... Oh, girl....you're just worth so much more than this . Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language ~T 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) Oh, girl....you're just worth so much more than this . Exactly. He wants you keep you hanging on just in case. Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 yes.. he often tells me this... Sure, he tells you this... that he loves you and wants you to find someone who will give you everything you deserve... But then, he comes back into your life and continues to waste your time by continuing to engage you in a relationship that is going nowhere... Nice guy! His actions tell you something very different than his words. That’s not love. That’s selfishness. Ask yourself, who benefitting most from this little arrangement. Who is getting what they want from this affair — it’s not you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 24, 2018 Author Share Posted May 24, 2018 (edited) Oh, girl....you're just worth so much more than this . i don't know how to stop loving him... i wish he would just leave her and select me.... Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 i don't know how to stop loving him... i wish he would just leave her and select me.... Love him from far, far away until you don’t love him anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 24, 2018 Author Share Posted May 24, 2018 Love him from far, far away until you don’t love him anymore. will i ever stop loving him though..? when i wake up he is my 1st thought and when i go to sleep he is my last thought.... but it hurts so much to think that he is waking up with the wife and going to sleep with the wife while i am alone and lonely.... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 will i ever stop loving him though..? when i wake up he is my 1st thought and when i go to sleep he is my last thought.... but it hurts so much to think that he is waking up with the wife and going to sleep with the wife while i am alone and lonely.... I'm sure that does hurt. This is not the natural order of things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 will i ever stop loving him though..? when i wake up he is my 1st thought and when i go to sleep he is my last thought.... but it hurts so much to think that he is waking up with the wife and going to sleep with the wife while i am alone and lonely.... I say this completely tongue-in-cheek -- what are you, 12? Not only will you stop loving him someday, you'll wonder what planet you were on and will ask yourself, "What was I thinking getting involved with a married man?" You can't get a realistic perspective on this until you get some distance and let time go by. The adage that time heals all wounds is very true. I know you don't want to go through it. You want what you thought the two of you had. But you don't have a choice and that's the part you'll need to face. It's a hard truth. It's not fun. It's the thing we avoid most in the world and it'll bring you to your knees. But you will get past it and you won't feel this pain anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I'm sure that does hurt. This is not the natural order of things. Indeed. His wife is where she is supposed to be, in his home, in his bed. Remember, you are intruding in someone else's life, another woman's marriage. There is always pain in wanting something that you can not have. Which is why, the only thing you can do is let it go. With time, you will see that this relationship was a fantasy, someone that was never meant to be... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 (edited) he has been married for 8 years now. his wife, does not like sex You and he are not having sex with each other, right? And he implies he is not having sex with his BW. So either: * he is not getting any sex, and is likely depressed * he is lying about not getting sex from her * he is getting sex somewhere else. If he is depressed, it is unlikely he would feel he had enough control over his life to be making major decisions like leaving, or acting on them. He may love you, you may love him, but unless something big changes, it’s unlikely to go anywhere. If he is lying about not getting sex from her, he may be lying about other things too. Like their relationship. Or yours. If he is lying to you, can you trust him? If he lies to you, is he someone you really want to be with? If he is getting sex somewhere else, where does that position you? His family his security blanket? His sex source his physical outlet? Are you willing to serve as a small part of his array of mechanisms to meet his needs, or are you wanting a full and complete relationship with him? Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 The adage that time heals all wounds is very true. I know you don't want to go through it. You want what you thought the two of you had. it's like you are reading my mind... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 You and he are not having sex with each other, right? And he implies he is not having sex with his BW. So either: * he is not getting any sex, and is likely depressed * he is lying about not getting sex from her * he is getting sex somewhere else. If he is depressed, it is unlikely he would feel he had enough control over his life to be making major decisions like leaving, or acting on them. He may love you, you may love him, but unless something big changes, it’s unlikely to go anywhere. If he is lying about not getting sex from her, he may be lying about other things too. Like their relationship. Or yours. If he is lying to you, can you trust him? If he lies to you, is he someone you really want to be with? If he is getting sex somewhere else, where does that position you? His family his security blanket? His sex source his physical outlet? Are you willing to serve as a small part of his array of mechanisms to meet his needs, or are you wanting a full and complete relationship with him? yes, we are not having sex and he says he is not having sex with her too.he says thinking about sex with her is what is making him depressed.. her constant rejections and complaints... it seems like she is using sex as a weapon... she refuses, he asks, then she feels happy empowered and secure that he is still interested in her despite her being cold and not caring. so he has finally stopped asking. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 it's like you are reading my mind... It's because it's all in the script. It's the same in every affair. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 yes, we are not having sex and he says he is not having sex with her too.he says thinking about sex with her is what is making him depressed.. her constant rejections and complaints... it seems like she is using sex as a weapon... she refuses, he asks, then she feels happy empowered and secure that he is still interested in her despite her being cold and not caring. so he has finally stopped asking. You are still believing everything he says..... Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 You sound like you are kind person, which is why you may not realize what he's doing. There is every chance he is painting a very unfair picture of her that is biased in his favour. This will elicit the desired response, which is for you to dislike his wife, feel sorry for him, excuse his negative behaviors and, most important, for you to dehumanize her and see her s someone who deserves to be cheated on. . After all, if he told you that she was basically a nice person, a good mom, she was trying to be a good wife, she worked hard and really, they were just drifting apart and it wasn't her fault he was straying, how would you feel? There is every chance you would be far less prone to getting involved with him if you saw his wife in more positive light. Is his wife perfect? Hell no...but I can pretty much guarantee you that she is not the harpy he makes her out to be. She's just an average person, trying to get along in life, just like you. He can't have you thinking that though, because if you do, your conscience might prick you and you wouldn't be so ready to help him hurt his wife, which is exactly what you are doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 When I was in my A I looked at our relationship as "destined" and that we were star-crossed lovers. For example, we spent a year at the same college but did not meet. I thought, maybe we were meant to meet and didn't! All this time we were out there, meant for each other, and now is our time! It's all destined to be! What I see now is that the above was my mind trying to justify and rationalize my poor choices. We didn't have some kind of star-crossed relationship...he had a wife and I had a husband and we were two cheaters. But what I was doing, and I think I see it sometimes too with single OW, was trying to add a dimension to the relationship, in order to make it so special, so that it is worth the pain and hurt and lying and everything else. The thing is, usually it is not worth it. The pain and hurt is immense not only for the person having the affair but for innocent people as well. The mental gymnastics do not change that this man is married and not leaving no matter what he says. Like a PP said, only time and distance will help, so you might as well get started on it and go NC. It is what is best for you. GL. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 You sound like you are kind person, which is why you may not realize what he's doing. There is every chance he is painting a very unfair picture of her that is biased in his favour. This will elicit the desired response, which is for you to dislike his wife, feel sorry for him, excuse his negative behaviors and, most important, for you to dehumanize her and see her s someone who deserves to be cheated on. . After all, if he told you that she was basically a nice person, a good mom, she was trying to be a good wife, she worked hard and really, they were just drifting apart and it wasn't her fault he was straying, how would you feel? There is every chance you would be far less prone to getting involved with him if you saw his wife in more positive light. Is his wife perfect? Hell no...but I can pretty much guarantee you that she is not the harpy he makes her out to be. She's just an average person, trying to get along in life, just like you. He can't have you thinking that though, because if you do, your conscience might prick you and you wouldn't be so ready to help him hurt his wife, which is exactly what you are doing. This is so true... the man can’t possibly tell the truth because then he would earn no sympathy, the other woman would not want to be with him and hurt another woman and her children... And, the other woman can not possibly consider that the wife is a good person who is unfortunately for her, married to a terrible man who would lie and cheat on her, because then it becomes more difficult to justify her behaviour. We see this so many times on this site... OP, you may feel like your relationship is special but sadly, it is very much following a typically predictable script... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 When you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop idealizing him and see him for what he is and you'll stop and wonder why on earth you wasted so much of your life on him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 26, 2018 Author Share Posted May 26, 2018 I keep reading everything but still i am unable to let go .... is there any books which will help me in making up my mind and stop being the other woman? it's the weekend so now it's like i don't exist.. he is with his wife, i am alone, longing for him, wishing he would love me enough to do the one thing which will make me happy... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 Read the threads here, there are hundreds going back several years. You'll probably find a lot of familiar themes that will help you see your situation more clearly. Be aware that letting go isn't going to be quick and easy, so don't get discouraged. Link to post Share on other sites
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