somanymistakes Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 It is true that it can give people pause and make them hesitate or go slow on breaking up, if they're afraid to upset the families and afraid of the consequences. But if they really want to leave, they will work on finding a way. It may take them time. It may take ridiculous amounts of time. But when they know where they're going they will start trying to take steps to move in that direction. If what they say is "I will not leave" then you should believe that. If what they say is "I'd like to leave but" and list a bunch of reasons why they can't, ask them what they're doing about those reasons. "I'd like to leave but I can't afford it" - okay so are you saving money? looking for a new job? anything? If they're not working on resolving the roadblocks then they don't really want to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 “He can’t imagine any other man having sex with his wife.” that is not true in this case.. he has talked with me about how he would not care if she was having an affair.. from what he says about her it is apparent that he has checked out emotionally from the marriage... I don't think you're understanding they all say the same thing.....it doesn't mean it's true. You're still believing this liar, and you shouldn't be believing a word that comes out of his mouth. Imagine this....would he actually say to you, "I would never be able to handle her having sex with another man?" Why would he say that to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 I don't think you're understanding they all say the same thing.....it doesn't mean it's true. You're still believing this liar, and you shouldn't be believing a word that comes out of his mouth. Imagine this....would he actually say to you, "I would never be able to handle her having sex with another man?" Why would he say that to you? This is a hard reality to face. I had pretty direct relationships with the couple of married separated divorcing guys I seriously dated. Both of them went ahead with their divorces, and I was not the cause of either of their divorces in case anyone's wondering. But even the ones who don't want to stay in the marriage anymore still feel proprietary toward their wife. Both of these men straight up said they couldn't even imagine never having sex with their wife again. Sex is often the most important thing to a man, and if he's staying in his marriage, he's having sex. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 This is a hard reality to face. I had pretty direct relationships with the couple of married separated divorcing guys I seriously dated. Both of them went ahead with their divorces, and I was not the cause of either of their divorces in case anyone's wondering. But even the ones who don't want to stay in the marriage anymore still feel proprietary toward their wife. Both of these men straight up said they couldn't even imagine never having sex with their wife again. Sex is often the most important thing to a man, and if he's staying in his marriage, he's having sex. Indeed. My ex-husband's infidelity is what led to our divorce. He quickly remarried, and divorced, after our divorce and we ultimately gave it another shot after 4 years. He bugged and bugged and bugged me, after we got back together, to tell him details about men I'd been with during our split. When I finally gave in and gave him a crumb, he could not take it. I became a "you know what" in his eyes and he called me that many times. Our reconciliation did not survive. If I'd remained celibate for those four years I believe we'd have had a much better shot at reconciliation. What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 “He can’t imagine any other man having sex with his wife.” that is not true in this case.. he has talked with me about how he would not care if she was having an affair.. from what he says about her it is apparent that he has checked out emotionally from the marriage... Remember, this is his side of the story... and, he has a vested interest in making you believe his tale of woe... That things are bad in his marriage, that she doesn't give him sex, that he doesn't love her any more... Would you be sleeping with him if he was talking you anything different? Come on, he is a cheater and a liar. You should know better than to believe a word he says... If you want to learn the truth of the situation, you should talk to his wife! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 Indeed. My ex-husband's infidelity is what led to our divorce. He quickly remarried, and divorced, after our divorce and we ultimately gave it another shot after 4 years. He bugged and bugged and bugged me, after we got back together, to tell him details about men I'd been with during our split. When I finally gave in and gave him a crumb, he could not take it. I became a "you know what" in his eyes and he called me that many times. Our reconciliation did not survive. If I'd remained celibate for those four years I believe we'd have had a much better shot at reconciliation. What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander. Because those gooses have despicable double standards. Who needs that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 It is true that it can give people pause and make them hesitate or go slow on breaking up, if they're afraid to upset the families and afraid of the consequences. But if they really want to leave, they will work on finding a way. It may take them time. It may take ridiculous amounts of time. But when they know where they're going they will start trying to take steps to move in that direction. If what they say is "I will not leave" then you should believe that. If what they say is "I'd like to leave but" and list a bunch of reasons why they can't, ask them what they're doing about those reasons. "I'd like to leave but I can't afford it" - okay so are you saving money? looking for a new job? anything? If they're not working on resolving the roadblocks then they don't really want to leave. he is saying "I'd like to leave but" his reason - he wants his kid to grow up with mom and dad both.... what could be done to resolve this roadblock...? he has asked me this question himself... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 I don't think you're understanding they all say the same thing.....it doesn't mean it's true. You're still believing this liar, and you shouldn't be believing a word that comes out of his mouth. Imagine this....would he actually say to you, "I would never be able to handle her having sex with another man?" Why would he say that to you? he has had some clues that she might be having an affair. but he did not even investigate... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 Remember, this is his side of the story... and, he has a vested interest in making you believe his tale of woe... That things are bad in his marriage, that she doesn't give him sex, that he doesn't love her any more... Would you be sleeping with him if he was talking you anything different? Come on, he is a cheater and a liar. You should know better than to believe a word he says... If you want to learn the truth of the situation, you should talk to his wife! I am not sleeping with him and i won't be sleeping with him... he does not want sex.... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 he has had some clues that she might be having an affair. but he did not even investigate... According to HIM. Why are you still believing him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 According to HIM. Why are you still believing him? I don't know.... i guess i am blinded by my feelings for him..? i trust him so much... I see love in the way he looks at me and pure indifference in all the photos with her.... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 I don't know.... i guess i am blinded by my feelings for him..? i trust him so much... I see love in the way he looks at me and pure indifference in all the photos with her.... You are seeing only what you want to see. You're different than her, something to break the monotony that is marriage. But you're just a distraction for him and he's feeing you a looooot of B.S. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 You are seeing only what you want to see. You're different than her, something to break the monotony that is marriage. But you're just a distraction for him and he's feeing you a looooot of B.S. i guess... is there any books i can read which will advice me about how to see the truth and stop being the other woman...? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 he is saying "I'd like to leave but" his reason - he wants his kid to grow up with mom and dad both.... what could be done to resolve this roadblock...? he has asked me this question himself... It's not up to you to solve the problem. If he wanted to leave he would be trying to find a solution himself. A LOT of people coparent with their exes. As long as you don't move away, the kid still has mom and dad. If he poses it to you as an impossible question that sounds like he's just trying to get you off his back. "See? Nothing I can do." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 (edited) "even when he goes home he is chatting with me and she is in the other room with the kid. no attention to him at all...." The sentence above was killing me! This guy is quite selfish -first - why isn't he in the room with the wife and child hanging out with them? Because he's in the other room, talking to another woman! He is making you feel bad for him because his wife is paying more attention TO THEIR CHILD! Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but you have to understand that this guy would tell you anything to keep your attention. And I can bet anything that his wife didn't tell him to stop contacting you. You have know idea what his wife knows and doesn't know. He chose to talk to you when he wanted to and he chose not to talk to you when he wanted to. His wife pays "no attention to him at all" remember? So how could she know whether or not he was contacting you? She didn't. He was playing with you, and you let him. I'm sorry -- I just want you to know what a bad guy he is, and please don't take the bait again if he reaches out -- which he probably will in another 2 years. Edited May 22, 2018 by Malin889 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 "even when he goes home he is chatting with me and she is in the other room with the kid. no attention to him at all...." The sentence above was killing me! This guy is quite selfish -first - why isn't he in the room with the wife and child hanging out with them? Because he's in the other room, talking to another woman! He is making you feel bad for him because his wife is paying more attention TO THEIR CHILD! Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but you have to understand that this guy would tell you anything to keep your attention. And I can bet anything that his wife didn't tell him to stop contacting you. You have know idea what his wife knows and doesn't know. He chose to talk to you when he wanted to and he chose not to talk to you when he wanted to. His wife pays "no attention to him at all" remember? So how could she know whether or not he was contacting you? She didn't. He was playing with you, and you let him. I'm sorry -- I just want you to know what a bad guy he is, and please don't take the bait again if he reaches out -- which he probably will in another 2 years. I tend to believe that she did tell him to stop contacting her and did tell both sets of parents. It's the standard advice given to folks who find out their spouses have been cheating and are interested in trying to save the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 "even when he goes home he is chatting with me and she is in the other room with the kid. no attention to him at all...." The sentence above was killing me! This guy is quite selfish -first - why isn't he in the room with the wife and child hanging out with them? Because he's in the other room, talking to another woman! He is making you feel bad for him because his wife is paying more attention TO THEIR CHILD! Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but you have to understand that this guy would tell you anything to keep your attention. And I can bet anything that his wife didn't tell him to stop contacting you. You have know idea what his wife knows and doesn't know. He chose to talk to you when he wanted to and he chose not to talk to you when he wanted to. His wife pays "no attention to him at all" remember? So how could she know whether or not he was contacting you? She didn't. He was playing with you, and you let him. I'm sorry -- I just want you to know what a bad guy he is, and please don't take the bait again if he reaches out -- which he probably will in another 2 years. He is in the other room because she does not want him there with her and the kid... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 and he is back..... found a way to communicate with me.. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 He is in the other room because she does not want him there with her and the kid... This is a lie, but go ahead and keep believing him. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 and he is back..... found a way to communicate with me.. You see, he can find a way to do what he wants. He wants to talk to you, he'll find a way. If he wants to leave, he'll find a way. But if he wants things to be as they are... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 He is in the other room because she does not want him there with her and the kid... OMG!! how are you falling for this? He' can't be with you because he can't leave his child and he wants his child to have both mom and dad. Meanwhile, according to him, he's already not allowed to even be in the same room as his kid. If his wife and child are in a room and he goes in there, his wife say "GET OUT!! Don't be in this room with me and our child!!" And he is totally indifferent to her in photos and doesn't care about her at all. she is emotionally checked out and may be having an affair. He is already separated from his child because his wife doesn't allow him in certain rooms where child may be found. But he just can't leave....... So ridiculous, you are being made a fool. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) Sweetie...he is playing you! Can’t you see what a selfish, narcissistic guy he is?? If he truly loved and cared about you, wouldn’t he want you to be happy and find a nice “unattached” guy you could have a future with? He’s already made it clear he is not going to leave his wife and family, that should be enough! But you are still holding out hope. Waiting and waiting to get that text from him. I know it’s hard but everyone here is giving you good advice. I know your in the horrible fog and not seeing it but please send him a text saying it’s over, then block him! Do it for yourself and move on, stop wasting any more time on him. You deserve more and better. Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 He's back now! He has miraculously found a way to communicate! All is right with the world... OP, I know you think love will move mountains, that it'll conquer all. And you're right -- the love he has for his wife and child will move mountains and conquer this sordid affair he's having. You're wasting precious years of your life on a relationship that will go nowhere. I'm afraid that one day you'll turn around and realize that 15 years have gone by and you're all alone...and he's not. Take heed to the profile name you chose -- abandoned. It's very telling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) and he is back..... found a way to communicate with me.. This is not actually something to be celebrated, my dear. Breaks my heart when a man uses a woman so carelessly, even more so when she graciously allows it. Edited May 23, 2018 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 and he is back..... found a way to communicate with me.. And you should let his wife know that he is back. No need to further waste her time. Is he ready to be openly in relationship with you? Or is it a case of business as usual. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts