His wife found out and he suddenly abandoned me.I am heart broken.... ....

[misspalmy]

it seems i am unable to move forward. i feel betrayed because i trusted him when he said he loves me... maybe it's better if i go to a psychiatrist ... i get something like a panic attack or anxiety attack or something.i don't know what it is but my hands start to shake and it becomes difficult to breathe.

 

 

and i keep reminding my self the pain i felt because i could not do anything normal couples do and the pain i felt when i thought about him kissing her being with her etc... and i keep telling myself i don't want to be someone's second choice... he TOLD me im the 1st choice but those are just words.... in reality she is the number one. she is the one who he selected to be with.

 

are you still seeing him or still NC from may? sorry just asking post to long read it all

[abandoned2018]

are you still seeing him or still NC from may? sorry just asking post to long read it all

 

not NC from May...he found a way to communicate with me after May incident.. on 24th Dec he told me he does not love me and loves his wife.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[summerdowling87]

not NC from May...he found a way to communicate with me after May incident.. on 24th Dec he told me he does not love me and loves his wife.

 

Besides the horrible way he "treats" you what else do you need?

He has his wife and his life with her. And he has you for his ego.

[Normm]

on 24th Dec he told me he does not love me and loves his wife.

 

 

Believe him. It's the one time he's actually being honest. Better late than never.

[BaileyB]

on 24th Dec he told me he does not love me and loves his wife.

 

That's less than a week. You are grieving, give it time.

 

Although, I must say... Christmas Eve, he tells you that he doesn't love you. That is not a nice guy, unless he had told you before and you were not accepting what he was trying to tell you.

 

As Norm said, he is telling you the truth. Believe him. There is better out there for you...

[jenkins95]

(((Abandoned)))

 

I'm sincerely sorry to read of your very significant pain. Know that you are not alone and that a huge number of people have recovered from a situation very similar to yours, many of whom are on this forum. Use their advice.

 

That's less than a week. You are grieving, give it time.

 

Yes, bottom line - it is going to take time. If you stay NC and do things right including all the mental work, you SHOULD be feeling a little better in 3 months, significantly better in 6 months and could be a whole new you by next Christmas.

 

But if you don't do things right, if you break NC, keep clinging onto the false hopes and dreams he fed you and obsessing over his words, you could stay in this world of pain indefinitely. Don't be that person. As an example: -

 

"he said he does not love his wife and loves me and now suddenly he says he loves her and not me.how can a human being cause so much pain to another human being?"

 

As much as I can see that this would torment you, try to get past this. You simply can't take the words of an MM, especially one in post D-Day hell at face value. He probably doesn't know left from right at the moment and he brought it all on himself. As a MM formerly in an A myself, I can tell you that his head is likely all over the place. He may be trying to convince himself as much as anyone. And it's just possible that he was forced to make that call by his poor, long-suffering wife. She may even have been listening in.

 

In all likelihood, he had genuine feelings for you, but also had feelings for his wife, did a cost-benefit analysis and saw how much he was risking and how much he was set to lose and decided that the only logical option was to stop the A. He was probably right in this - there are no winners in affairs. Ending the A and "working" on his marriage - it was also the path of least resistance, which is a path cowardly MMs will often take by default.

 

You are unquestionably better off out of this A and having this toxic man out of your life. Please take this from an MM who had an A for over a year and has now had over three years to reflect and work on himself. We MM are bad news, we are damaged goods, we are unreliable, we are conflict avoidant, we are escapists who live in the moment and don't think of consequences. We can be incredibly loving (sincerely so) and exciting, but all that masks the awful lies we are concealing and the broken people we really are deep down. We are walking time bombs who take other people with us when it all explodes. We don't necessarily mean to hurt people, but we do, every time, usually several people. We are short sighted, dumb and naïve. We should come with a warning sticker on our foreheads. I am a totally different person now, but I will have to live for the rest of my life with the knowledge that for over a year, I was a cheating, lying, deceitful scumbag who hurt people.

 

As other posters said, no man - especially this one, is worth taking this much pain for, especially when you start talking about suicide. Be strong, break free, do the work, day by day, be amongst friends, force yourself to eat well, exercise, take counselling if possible....free yourself and be rid of him. It WILL get better, but you have to want it and you have to be 100% committed. As ridiculous as it sounds, some people find a kind of alternative comfort wallowing in pain and feeling sorry for themselves. Don't fall into this trap - pull off the band aid and face it full on - you can do it. We are here for you.

 

Wishing you recovery for 2019. Aim to be able to enjoy next Christmas. D things right and it is very attainable. Thinking of you. J

[pepperbird]

so another day has passed

 

and the pain in my chest remains..

 

i feel a tightness in my chest and also a hollow feeling inside... i guess some of you who stopped the affairs know what i am talking about....

 

<SNIP>

 

If you want to understand this man, look at how he treats his wife and marriage. That is who he is.

 

Honey, he didn't cheat because of his wife, because of you, because the stars were off, because he'd had one too many drinks, because he was sad, because he was confused or any other such nonsense.

 

He cheated because it was exactly what he wanted to do. There is something in him that tells him it's okay to use others as a salve for his emotions, anomie and angst. If anything, in you, it sounds like he saw a kind and trusting soul with a big heart who sees the best in people. Those are wonderful traits...please don't waste them on him. Spend some time on your own, heal and then, if you feel ready and want to, find a single guy who will make you smile every day with pure happiness that's not tainted with an affair.

 

Don't give this married man any more than he's already taken from you.

Edited December 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs._December]

it astonished me that he could hurt me like this...

Are you EVER going to take any responsibility for your willingness to step into this **** show from Day #1?

 

We ALL have the choice of saying 'no.' You had it as well. You didn't choose wisely.

 

Everything from you is all about how HE did this and how HE did that and how HE caused this and how HE caused that.

 

You can't blame all the evils of this mess on him. You were a willing participant and I think you need to face that and learn from it.

 

What I'm saying is, you need to start owning your ****. You had a part in all these bad decisions that led you to where you are right now. And you're WAY past the point of trying to use naivete as a reason for those bad choices.

 

Lastly, a little humility is in order. When you're further removed from this complete dumpster fire, you're going to realize how horrifically self-entitled you were, thinking you 'deserved' to have this lying degenerate in your life and thinking it was just fine for him to leave his wife and kids in order for that to happen. You may not see how horrific that is right now, but you will. You will.

 

He did you a HUGE favor. You don't realize it just yet, but you just lost the most useless 180 pounds of worthless flesh you'll ever lose.

Edited December 31, 2018 by Mrs._December

[Giraffe-A]

some men do love there OW look at prince charles and camilla there affair end up together years years later.

I don’t know the story behind Charles and Diane, but it seemed like he was not on board this marriage from day 1. That’s an entire different scenario. Another scenario that would play out is if the OW has a lot more money, a house, and patience while the husband makes up his mind. It will still be harder if the wife decides to take full custody, and move away.

Third scenario, would be a younger couple without children. This is probably one of the easiest scenarios. Not much is invested.

For everything else, affairs rarely work out.

[Giraffe-A]

wow.... amazing .... i never thought of that in that way, but now that you have said it i think this is a truth which i never saw before. in fact i now remember him saying something to this effect... not about fighting for the marriage but about how i give him the strength to tolerate his marriage problems...

And it just seems so unfair to be that person. Stand back and watch them seperate and divorce either way because people never learn.

[What_Did_I_Do]

(((Abandoned)))

<snip> As an example: -

 

"he said he does not love his wife and loves me and now suddenly he says he loves her and not me.how can a human being cause so much pain to another human being?"

 

As much as I can see that this would torment you, try to get past this. You simply can't take the words of an MM, especially one in post D-Day hell at face value. He probably doesn't know left from right at the moment and he brought it all on himself. As a MM formerly in an A myself, I can tell you that his head is likely all over the place. He may be trying to convince himself as much as anyone. And it's just possible that he was forced to make that call by his poor, long-suffering wife. She may even have been listening in.

 

<snip>

 

 

 

This ^^^^ OP. Please read over and over.

 

Whenever I read the words 'lying, cheating, scumbag' here on LS...they were just words on a computer screen to me. I couldn't attach those words to the MM. Kind of like when you see a catastrophic event on TV...looks awful but when you see the actual devastation right in front of your eyes, the reality of the situation has a profound affect. It becomes personal in some way.

 

Those words used to (accurately) describe the cheating MM/MW may seem like angry shots from a bunch of computer users here but think about it for a second. Think about how many lies your MM must have told to everyone to keep the affair afloat. And it wasn't to preserve the special bond you two had. It was so he could enjoy the best of both worlds. To cover his sorry *ss. And if the MP had to dispose of one 'world', of course the OW/OM would be tossed in a heartbeat. That is the nature of affairs. Married men don't leave. They may think or say they'll leave, but when they start to look at the potential loss and collateral damage, it just isn't worth it. Especially not for 'love'.

 

I'm sorry this happened OP. The affair is over. It could have been much worse. It could have gone on for 8.5 years like mine :-(

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pepperbird]

)

 

"he said he does not love his wife and loves me and now suddenly he says he loves her and not me.how can a human being cause so much pain to another human being?"

op,

read this, read this, read this and then read it again and again until your head aches from it.

 

Was it okay for him to cause this much pain to another human being (i.e.- his wife)? I guess it was okay for her to be miserable, so long as he was with you? Then you are shocked when you find out he treated you this way?

 

Spare his wife a thought. If he did this to you, what makes you think he treats her any better? If anything, you shoudl be down on your knees kissing his wife's feet for keeping you and him apart.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Missinghim17]

OP, I really feel your pain. I have been the OW for almost 10 years with the same man. I am in love with him. Although his wife has not found out about us, he still hasn't left her "because of the kids". He says he feels guilty about what he does to them behind their backs. Yes, he can still raise his kid and be with you. He choses not to. If he loved you more and wanted to be with you, he already would have. My MM has been honest about the fact that he still sleeps with his wife. He's even told me he still loves her because she is the mother of his kids. But he told me he loves me too. Im still not enough for him to leave cause the bottom line is that if I was, we would already be together.

 

If you can get away, please get away. More than likely, he will eventually reach out to you. I hope you have the strength to not allow it or you'll end up like me. I've been living in horrid tormenting pain for almost 10 years. He can act like you mean the world to him when your together, but then he will go back to his family and he will seem like the coldest cruelest person to you because they will always come before you. That's the life you will have to live if you stay.

 

Sadly, im still living it now.

[BaileyB]

((Missinghim17))

 

You have spent 10 years of your life in a dead end relationship. That is truly heartbreaking.

 

I just wanted to say, this is not love. Love does not hurt this way. If he truly loved you, more than he loved himself, he would never do this to you.

 

And if you loved yourself more than you believe you love him, this would not be acceptable to you. I hope you find the strength someday to understand this.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[stillafool]

Are you EVER going to take any responsibility for your willingness to step into this **** show from Day #1?

 

We ALL have the choice of saying 'no.' You had it as well. You didn't choose wisely.<snip>

 

I completely agree with the OP and that is why I find it hard to have sympathy for OW over the age of 22. They are as much responsible for their pain as any MM but he gets all the blame. It all starts with entitlement by the OW and the MM. Once you make your bed you lie in the mess. shrug.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

not NC from May...he found a way to communicate with me after May incident.. on 24th Dec he told me he does not love me and loves his wife.

 

You mean you allowed him to communicate...

 

When are you going to realize you allowed this?

 

When an affair happens two people agree to the terms. Oneis you.

 

The only person that guy loves is himself.

 

Choose a better man to date.

[Overtaxed]

Married men don't leave.

 

It's really this that most OW need to understand and realize. Not only do stats tell us that they don't leave, the stats further tell us that if they do, you're in for an even bigger world of hurt. If you're relationship starts as an A, you have about a 1-50 to 1-100 chance (depending on who you believe) to making it to "happy ever after". And the thing that so, so many OW here don't realize, the vast majority (proven by stats, but, also, in my personal life, ALL the MM I know who are cheating) of MM aren't cheating because they want to leave. They might be blissfully happy at home, in fact, a lot that I know (not all) are pretty happy to blissfully happy at home. They are cheating for more (sex, most typically) not to replace. Married men don't leave, and, if they do, they almost never wind up with the AP. You're playing impossibly long odds dating a MM and hoping for anything beyond sweet words and a good root in the back of a car somewhere. That's what affairs are, by and large, kind words and kinky sex. If you don't value those things, well, you're looking in the wrong place.