Anyone left a marriage out of boredom?

[ICEMAN69]

Hey now! I AM a deep, contemplative, analytic person (I hate "fluff" conversations), but still love me a good Real Housewives once in a while! One thing I could not stand about my ex-H was the way he judged me for wanting to watch trash TV or read People magazine occasionally. (He's no intellectual giant, trust me.....I'm way more intelligent than he is).

 

I think the previous poster could be on to something, that your wife feels judged by you. I've been sensing the same because of some things you've said that ring true in my own former marriage.

 

There's a fine line, though, between judging and holding her accountable for things. It can be tough.\

 

P.S. I just read your last post. We are sure she's not having an affair? That's a LOT of cell phone time! What's she doing? Does she play games?

 

 

Okay, my wife knows I hate most reality TV and other trashy TV, but that's been something she's known about me for 20+ years, so it's nothing new, and I certainly don't sit around dwelling on what she's watching. Why would it just now show up as an issue? Matter of fact, I found a couple of shows on Amazon Prime that were reality based that I figured we both could watch a few months ago, because I was trying to find those "common" things we could both enjoy.

 

I don't know Cautious, maybe that's something I have to consider. I'm trying to look at this from a broader point of view and self-reflect a bit. Although I'm not entirely sure why that would appear to be a problem this late in our marriage? I'm pretty much at the point of not even thinking about those little things. I'm much more concerned about her physical well being and lack of activity. But how does one address that? You yourself are pointing out that holding someone accountable can be misinterpreted as judging. Is it judgmental to be concerned about someone's health and their lack of insights into their own lacking health concerns? That's a fine line as I'm sure you're aware.

 

I'm not interested in a trophy wife. Just someone who looks out for herself and thinks about eating healthier in her late 40s and being more concerned about daily physical activity rather than plopping herself down on a couch the minute she walks in the door to stare at the phone in her hand.

 

No, there's no affair. She's just checked in to her phone and checked out from pretty much anything else. It's seldom not in her hand. She does play Candy Crush, but she can spend a lot of time on facebook scrolling endlessly reviewing everyone's life. Ahhhh . . . it's daunting!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I just saw a promo on TV...."How your cell phone is changing your brain! At 11!"

 

It's clear you're not after a trophy weight and have complained about how your wife looks. I don't think it's judgmental to want her to be healthy and be more active for her own health. And so you're not left behind as a widower. It's so hard to say that to a woman, though and not have her take it personally .

 

Remind me again how old you guys are?

[BettyDraper]

I think your wife might be addicted to her smartphone. She seems to use it compulsively without regard for the damage her smartphone use is causing to her marriage. Playing on the phone all day without showering is unsettling. I know it seems far fetched because most people think of addiction within the context of substances. Smartphone addicts are suffering from a behavioral addiction.

 

Insist that your wife put away her phone for a day and spend time with you. Be calm yet firm about how much damage her smartphone usage is doing to your marriage. She needs help because playing on her phone all day without even taking a shower is a sign of addiction. Sometimes harsh truths need to be shared in order to cause changes. If your wife knew that her lack of physical activity and being glued to her phone was causing you to lose attraction to her, she may come to understand that she has a serious problem.

 

I love surfing the net. I enjoy social media as well. However, when my husband comes home I make sure that I turn off my computer and put away my phone. I give him my full attention.

[Happy Lemming]

Iceman69... here is a thought.

 

I've been off-line over the 3 day holiday as my girlfriend and I went on short trip, then cooked out, etc.

 

It seems my girlfriend's sister posted something on a social media page (not sure which one) that really upset my girlfriend. It upset her to the point, that she put the smartphone down for a full day (actually, turned it off).

 

At that point, I said to her if her sister is upsetting her, why not give up on social media and go back to an old flip phone (dumb phone) for her cell phone needs. In the end, all a cell phone really has to do is text and make phone calls, right?? It seem to give her pause and food for thought.

 

I then thought of you, how do you feel about suggesting (to your wife) a downgrade to an older style cell phone??

 

Just a thought...

[littleblackheart]

Well maybe she's the one going through a peri-menopause related midlife crisis. How old are your children? It looks like something happened 2 years ago that changed the dynamics of your relationship, from your posts - maybe your youngest went college? Empty nest syndrome? I'm only extrapolating and I'm likely off track but sometimes it helps to try and cover all angles.

 

 

Also, you may need a change of tack, like maybe praising her or showing her your appreciation for the things you really like about her (you may have to be creative, I know it's tricky to do when you are somewhat frustrated yourself). A genuine compliment out of the blue could help lift the mood and pave the way for a no pressure conversation.

[ICEMAN69]

I just saw a promo on TV...."How your cell phone is changing your brain! At 11!"

 

It's clear you're not after a trophy weight and have complained about how your wife looks. I don't think it's judgmental to want her to be healthy and be more active for her own health. And so you're not left behind as a widower. It's so hard to say that to a woman, though and not have her take it personally .

 

Remind me again how old you guys are?

 

Exactly. I just want someone thinking in terms of a healthy weight who regains some regular daily activity, and trust me, the smart phone isn't helping AT ALL.

 

I've heard stories here on LS and among others about spouses who become career couch potatoes and I always thought to myself, glad that's not my situation! Now it's my situation!

 

Cautious, you may recall that you participated in an earlier post I had in January where I commented about the weight issue and lack of activity. Believe it or not, it's gotten worse. And yeah, how in the hell do you approach that subject? Particularly when she's fought poor self-esteem issues for much of her life? And I've been the guy building up her self-esteem for 20+ years!

 

It would be like the coach who's told you for two decades you're a winner only to have them sit you down one day and say, yeah kid, I was lying. You're really not a winner. YIKES!

She's late 40s and I'm late 50s.

[ICEMAN69]

Hey now! I AM a deep, contemplative, analytic person (I hate "fluff" conversations)

 

I know you are. I've seen examples of it here

[ICEMAN69]

I think your wife might be addicted to her smartphone. She seems to use it compulsively without regard for the damage her smartphone use is causing to her marriage. Playing on the phone all day without showering is unsettling. I know it seems far fetched because most people think of addiction within the context of substances. Smartphone addicts are suffering from a behavioral addiction.

 

Insist that your wife put away her phone for a day and spend time with you. Be calm yet firm about how much damage her smartphone usage is doing to your marriage. She needs help because playing on her phone all day without even taking a shower is a sign of addiction. Sometimes harsh truths need to be shared in order to cause changes. If your wife knew that her lack of physical activity and being glued to her phone was causing you to lose attraction to her, she may come to understand that she has a serious problem.

 

I love surfing the net. I enjoy social media as well. However, when my husband comes home I make sure that I turn off my computer and put away my phone. I give him my full attention.

 

Well truth be told that's not her norm with regard to hygiene. But I know she'd never go off to work that way, so when she's home all day and doesn't take 20 minutes to shower and clean up, yeah, I'm thinking her familiarity is causing that much indifference with her husband? If she was sick or whatever I'd understand. But short of that it's just pure laziness, and as you point out, a sign of addiction.

 

I'm pretty much like you. I use my laptop. Some of it is business. Some of it is just reading since I enjoy reading and doing a bit of research. I don't game or anything like that. But like you, I put it away when she's around now because I'm trying to send the message that I'm here and you're here so let's just put the electronics away.

[ICEMAN69]

Iceman69... here is a thought.

 

I've been off-line over the 3 day holiday as my girlfriend and I went on short trip, then cooked out, etc.

 

It seems my girlfriend's sister posted something on a social media page (not sure which one) that really upset my girlfriend. It upset her to the point, that she put the smartphone down for a full day (actually, turned it off).

 

At that point, I said to her if her sister is upsetting her, why not give up on social media and go back to an old flip phone (dumb phone) for her cell phone needs. In the end, all a cell phone really has to do is text and make phone calls, right?? It seem to give her pause and food for thought.

 

I then thought of you, how do you feel about suggesting (to your wife) a downgrade to an older style cell phone??

 

Just a thought...

 

I'm the idiot who suggested a year ago when she was happy with her flip phone that she upgrade. Truthfully I thought the maps device would be nice for her to have on her phone. Before that she had a "dumb phone" with limited minutes. Boy am I stupid!

 

I just didn't see this type of behavior coming. She's like a kid in a candy store. Yesterday she comes home from work. After a brief greeting and getting in the door, she camped out on the couch with cell phone in hand. I could see it was another typical night so I went upstairs, watched a bit of TV and fell asleep.

 

Is this what they call marriage bliss?

 

I can suggest it, but it's like discovering a whole new world and and then suggesting to her to put that world back in the bottle. Not sure how well it would be rec'd. When I talk to her I'll approach that angle and see how she reacts. If she just had some damn discipline and could put it away for 10 minutes I wouldn't have to address it at all!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Exactly. I just want someone thinking in terms of a healthy weight who regains some regular daily activity, and trust me, the smart phone isn't helping AT ALL.

 

I've heard stories here on LS and among others about spouses who become career couch potatoes and I always thought to myself, glad that's not my situation! Now it's my situation!

 

Cautious, you may recall that you participated in an earlier post I had in January where I commented about the weight issue and lack of activity. Believe it or not, it's gotten worse. And yeah, how in the hell do you approach that subject? Particularly when she's fought poor self-esteem issues for much of her life? And I've been the guy building up her self-esteem for 20+ years!

 

It would be like the coach who's told you for two decades you're a winner only to have them sit you down one day and say, yeah kid, I was lying. You're really not a winner. YIKES!

She's late 40s and I'm late 50s.

 

And I of course meant trophy WIFE not trophy weight lol. I must do more proofreading.

[MidlifeMama]

I'm going to be honest here... I became addicted to Facebook! For me, looking at it now, it was during a time where I had extreme stress dealing with another type of addict, my own son who has mental illness, addiction and has been homeless for 10 years.

 

He is my husband's step-son. We did everything we could to help him and I also enabled for many years. I felt like my husband deserted me because in the thick of things, he would re-treat to the garage and not talk about any of it. After many years of therapy, I realized I was an enabler and my husband was doing what he could to avoid the whole thing. In his defense, he didn't like the way I was being treated..but in all that, I discovered FB.

 

I discovered that I could get lost in other people's lives and avoid my own.

 

Who isn't addicted to something these days? Gaming, phones, alcohol, drugs, sex, work, and the list goes on. We live in a difficult society and we are constantly reminded that with our vices, we can check out.

 

I don't want to cause you to think about this but I will put it out there... a few things come to mind about your wife's phone usage. She could be quite depressed. Perhaps she feels the loss of your marriage connection as much as you but is unwilling to express it? Perhaps she had or is having an affair and the "phone" is her only link to that? I hope not, but she is showing some signs.

 

Has there been any major episodes in the past or recent episodes of trauma or drama in your lives? A death, a major move, major work stress, kid problems? People tend to gravitate towards addictions during extreme stress. Not always, some are just prone to addictions, but in general when there has been a major life change or upset, they tend to check out and check into something else to occupy their minds and avoid emotions.

 

My husband got tired of me on FB all the time, so I have curbed it. I have been avoiding him with it and had such built up resentment and didn't even realize I was pushing him further away. Having said that, we can sit in the same room all evening and he lays in his "lazy boy" and watches t.v. until he goes to bed. He says as long as we are sitting in the same room, he is happy. O.k. but a conversation, some intimacy would be nice, so you know what, it doesn't happen, so I sit there with my computer on FB.

 

What's the answer these days?

 

I'd say something is eating at your wife and may be the same way you feel about the marriage. Something has to give. A serious talk is in order. A suggestion to see a counselor may help both together and separate. BTW, with all my emotions about my marriage, etc. I have suggested this to my husband, he said no. Yet, I am still working on this marriage...

 

with less and less effort but that's my story.

 

On the weight issue.. I have gained 20 lbs. since hitting menopause and I hate it, but I still look decent and strive to work out and try to be healthy. My husband has a weight issue, always has and hates it. He does try to stay somewhat active but struggles to get any weight off. He will walk, play racquetball, bike ride with me, even weights at the gym now and again, but he still struggles. I have always known this and accept it. It's hard because deep down, I am not attracted to his physique but I care and love him so I always looked past it. Add in resentment due to no intimacy and it becomes harder to look past it. Likely where you are now in your marriage. Yeh, yeh, we all want our spouse to be healthy and live a long life with us, but we also want to have the desire to rip their clothes off and get down and dirty. Being ignored, them getting sloppy and lazy and adding weight does not make for a great connection all around. That's the truth whether someone thinks that's shallow or not!

[ICEMAN69]

Well maybe she's the one going through a peri-menopause related midlife crisis. How old are your children? It looks like something happened 2 years ago that changed the dynamics of your relationship, from your posts - maybe your youngest went college? Empty nest syndrome? I'm only extrapolating and I'm likely off track but sometimes it helps to try and cover all angles.

 

Also, you may need a change of tack, like maybe praising her or showing her your appreciation for the things you really like about her (you may have to be creative, I know it's tricky to do when you are somewhat frustrated yourself). A genuine compliment out of the blue could help lift the mood and pave the way for a no pressure conversation.

 

My wife is fairly laid back. If she's going through a crisis, she's hiding it well. We're pretty much good with kids. The last one turned adult recently and he's still at home. I don't think things like that really effect her anyway but who knows. It's something I can bring up.

 

I do toss compliments her way whenever I like something she's wearing or she's done her hair in a style I like.

 

But the more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if this whole thing could get touchy, particularly if I discuss the lack of activity / weight issue. That's not going to go over well and I'm thinking if I have someone there to offer an unbiased outlook it might help. Maybe a marriage counselor is in order as some others have suggested. Then, I'm not doing this on my own and if she has issues with me, she can bounce them off of someone else. Of course, you don't always know what you're getting for a marriage counselor either.

 

Thanks for your advice LBH.

[littleblackheart]

My wife is fairly laid back. If she's going through a crisis, she's hiding it well. We're pretty much good with kids. The last one turned adult recently and he's still at home. I don't think things like that really effect her anyway but who knows. It's something I can bring up.

 

I do toss compliments her way whenever I like something she's wearing or she's done her hair in a style I like.

 

But the more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if this whole thing could get touchy, particularly if I discuss the lack of activity / weight issue. That's not going to go over well and I'm thinking if I have someone there to offer an unbiased outlook it might help. Maybe a marriage counselor is in order as some others have suggested. Then, I'm not doing this on my own and if she has issues with me, she can bounce them off of someone else. Of course, you don't always know what you're getting for a marriage counselor either.

 

Thanks for your advice LBH.

 

It looks like you are giving it considered thought; it also seems like you do care about your marriage a great deal.

 

I am personally of the belief that any trouble shared with kindness and empathy is fair, especially if your intentions are good and your concern comes from genuine care for your wife.

 

Yes, a third party could be the key to ironing things out; from lengthy experience with various therapists and counselors, I will say that how you approach the process (with a positive mindset of wanting to improve the situation rather than a last resort) matters more than the quality of the therapist.

 

You would still need to broach the idea of marriage counseling in a positive way though, so she doesn't freak out if she has no clue how much this matters to you.

 

Good luck

[ICEMAN69]

I'm going to be honest here... I became addicted to Facebook! For me, looking at it now, it was during a time where I had extreme stress dealing with another type of addict, my own son who has mental illness, addiction and has been homeless for 10 years.

 

He is my husband's step-son. We did everything we could to help him and I also enabled for many years. I felt like my husband deserted me because in the thick of things, he would re-treat to the garage and not talk about any of it. After many years of therapy, I realized I was an enabler and my husband was doing what he could to avoid the whole thing. In his defense, he didn't like the way I was being treated..but in all that, I discovered FB.

 

I discovered that I could get lost in other people's lives and avoid my own.

 

Who isn't addicted to something these days? Gaming, phones, alcohol, drugs, sex, work, and the list goes on. We live in a difficult society and we are constantly reminded that with our vices, we can check out.

 

I don't want to cause you to think about this but I will put it out there... a few things come to mind about your wife's phone usage. She could be quite depressed. Perhaps she feels the loss of your marriage connection as much as you but is unwilling to express it? Perhaps she had or is having an affair and the "phone" is her only link to that? I hope not, but she is showing some signs.

 

Has there been any major episodes in the past or recent episodes of trauma or drama in your lives? A death, a major move, major work stress, kid problems? People tend to gravitate towards addictions during extreme stress. Not always, some are just prone to addictions, but in general when there has been a major life change or upset, they tend to check out and check into something else to occupy their minds and avoid emotions.

 

My husband got tired of me on FB all the time, so I have curbed it. I have been avoiding him with it and had such built up resentment and didn't even realize I was pushing him further away. Having said that, we can sit in the same room all evening and he lays in his "lazy boy" and watches t.v. until he goes to bed. He says as long as we are sitting in the same room, he is happy. O.k. but a conversation, some intimacy would be nice, so you know what, it doesn't happen, so I sit there with my computer on FB.

 

What's the answer these days?

 

I'd say something is eating at your wife and may be the same way you feel about the marriage. Something has to give. A serious talk is in order. A suggestion to see a counselor may help both together and separate. BTW, with all my emotions about my marriage, etc. I have suggested this to my husband, he said no. Yet, I am still working on this marriage...

 

with less and less effort but that's my story.

 

On the weight issue.. I have gained 20 lbs. since hitting menopause and I hate it, but I still look decent and strive to work out and try to be healthy. My husband has a weight issue, always has and hates it. He does try to stay somewhat active but struggles to get any weight off. He will walk, play racquetball, bike ride with me, even weights at the gym now and again, but he still struggles. I have always known this and accept it. It's hard because deep down, I am not attracted to his physique but I care and love him so I always looked past it. Add in resentment due to no intimacy and it becomes harder to look past it. Likely where you are now in your marriage. Yeh, yeh, we all want our spouse to be healthy and live a long life with us, but we also want to have the desire to rip their clothes off and get down and dirty. Being ignored, them getting sloppy and lazy and adding weight does not make for a great connection all around. That's the truth whether someone thinks that's shallow or not!

 

All good things to think about MLM. She lost her father a couple years back but she's not someone who really gets bogged down in deep emotions. She moved on fairly well from that.

 

She's never guarded about her phone like someone would be having an affair and quite honestly I don't think she has the energy for an affair. She barely has the energy for us, and pulling that together some days appears difficult. She'd have to put down the smart phone and get up and move

 

I'd recognize patterns if there was an affair going on, so that's not it. I guess it could be depression but again, she'd be internalizing it because there's really no outward signs of it.

 

Your husband's happiness just sitting in the same room is definitely not me. I need human touch, intimacy, affection, companionship. My wife is a hugger, but she doesn't seem to need much more than that most of the time. I however do on the other hand. I'm a much more sexual and sensual person than she is. She's more content sexually.

 

As I posted earlier, all of our weekend get-away's or vacations involving just she and I have always been my idea. She's always game to go, but it feels very one-sided that I'm the individual coming up with all of the romantic escapes over the years. I just don't think those are "needs" she has. Of course I didn't see that coming when we got together 20+ years ago or I might have reconsidered the entire relationship. She'd probably be a better match for someone like your husband. Content to just sit in the same room and exist together.

 

And we can have a conversation without much problem, but these days she's got a phone hand as she's conversing with me. It is what it is I guess.

 

To be honest, I hate even bringing up her weight and lack of activity here on LS because others read that and think, what a superficial bastard! I know many of you get it and understand where I'm coming from. I'm just different because I want to be the best physical version of me that I can give my wife. It really doesn't take that much to get yourself in shape. A devoted 30-45 minutes of exercise / movement daily along with calorie restriction and better food choices. Those things come easily to me, but for her it would be like climbing a 30 foot wall. She'd just give up and say it's too tough.

 

MLM wrote:

Add in resentment due to no intimacy and it becomes harder to look past it. Likely where you are now in your marriage. Yeh, yeh, we all want our spouse to be healthy and live a long life with us, but we also want to have the desire to rip their clothes off and get down and dirty. Being ignored, them getting sloppy and lazy and adding weight does not make for a great connection all around. That's the truth whether someone thinks that's shallow or not!

 

Yeah, I can relate quite a bit to the above comment. Intimacy is there, but I pretty much always have to stir things up by lighting whatever fire results, and these days I'm growing more and more distant from even wanting to try. And when my libido is lacking, that's a sure sign things aren't normal. I feel myself sliding into sexual apathy as the weeks / months go by with less and less desire to do anything with my wife. Yeah, I'm the rip the clothes off type as it appears you are, but as you're accurately pointing out, you've got to have the right spouse for that type of "fire in your loins" intimacy. Neither of us have that in our spouses.

 

My wife has always lacked self-esteem as it appears your husband does. She's had a poor self-image for a number of years. I've really tried to help her move past it over the time we've been together, but at some point isn't it also incumbent on her to help her own self-esteem improve by working at getting herself into reasonable physical shape? There's only so much I can do as a spouse. I know she's aware because she's made comments when she's seen TV commercials and such, "if I had the money I'd do liposuction" and comments in that vein. I just keep my mouth shut thinking, "you don't need lipo my dear, you just need a little self-discipline and you'd be right where you'd like to be in just a few months."

 

And spouses who get to this point don't stop to think that it's that type of apathy and indifference about their weight DOES impact how we view them. Anyone can say otherwise, but we all develop a great deal of our chemistry based on how the person we're interested in looks.

 

20lbs is nothing by the way MLM! I would even bat an eyelash at 20lbs! I think we're talking here about a good 50-60lbs. If she dropped even 30lbs that would be a big improvement. I don't need her to be 115lbs but a healthy 135-140lbs would be wonderful and I'm sure she'd feel better about herself as well. And because she's pre-menopause it's likely going to get worse unless she reins in her poor eating habits and lacking activity.

 

MLM, I'm sorry to hear your hubby isn't open to counseling. That's pretty sad. My guess is he doesn't want to hear the truth of where your marriage is currently. So he's just avoiding the entire subject. I know you've got other things going on with your hubby aside from just existing together which I know is kind of where you're at currently. What would happen if you put the facebook away and went over to your lazy-boy laden husband and tried getting sensual with him? How'd he react?

[littleblackheart]

She lost her father a couple years back

 

This actually makes a lot of sense. It's clear from reading your posts (and you yourself had noticed it) something happened two years ago that precipitated her changing behaviour. She may have postponed mourning her loss.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This actually makes a lot of sense. It's clear from reading your posts (and you yourself had noticed it) something happened two years ago that precipitated her changing behaviour. She may have postponed mourning her loss.

 

Yeah, she might be depressed .

[MidlifeMama]

All good things to think about MLM. She lost her father a couple years back but she's not someone who really gets bogged down in deep emotions. She moved on fairly well from that.

 

She's never guarded about her phone like someone would be having an affair and quite honestly I don't think she has the energy for an affair. She barely has the energy for us, and pulling that together some days appears difficult. She'd have to put down the smart phone and get up and move

 

I'd recognize patterns if there was an affair going on, so that's not it. I guess it could be depression but again, she'd be internalizing it because there's really no outward signs of it.

My husband is the same. I ask if he is depressed and he answers with,"I don't know, maybe, I don't think so"

 

Your husband's happiness just sitting in the same room is definitely not me. I need human touch, intimacy, affection, companionship. My wife is a hugger, but she doesn't seem to need much more than that most of the time. I however do on the other hand. I'm a much more sexual and sensual person than she is. She's more content sexually.

Exactly the same but opposite sex

 

As I posted earlier, all of our weekend get-away's or vacations involving just she and I have always been my idea. She's always game to go, but it feels very one-sided that I'm the individual coming up with all of the romantic escapes over the years. I just don't think those are "needs" she has. Of course I didn't see that coming when we got together 20+ years ago or I might have reconsidered the entire relationship. She'd probably be a better match for someone like your husband. Content to just sit in the same room and exist together.

Yep, can relate and honestly tired of being the one to put in all the effort.

And we can have a conversation without much problem, but these days she's got a phone hand as she's conversing with me. It is what it is I guess.

 

To be honest, I hate even bringing up her weight and lack of activity here on LS because others read that and think, what a superficial bastard! I know many of you get it and understand where I'm coming from. I'm just different because I want to be the best physical version of me that I can give my wife. It really doesn't take that much to get yourself in shape. A devoted 30-45 minutes of exercise / movement daily along with calorie restriction and better food choices. Those things come easily to me, but for her it would be like climbing a 30 foot wall. She'd just give up and say it's too tough.

Can't make anyone do for themselves what they are unwilling to do

 

MLM wrote:

Add in resentment due to no intimacy and it becomes harder to look past it. Likely where you are now in your marriage. Yeh, yeh, we all want our spouse to be healthy and live a long life with us, but we also want to have the desire to rip their clothes off and get down and dirty. Being ignored, them getting sloppy and lazy and adding weight does not make for a great connection all around. That's the truth whether someone thinks that's shallow or not!

 

Yeah, I can relate quite a bit to the above comment. Intimacy is there, but I pretty much always have to stir things up by lighting whatever fire results, and these days I'm growing more and more distant from even wanting to try. And when my libido is lacking, that's a sure sign things aren't normal. I feel myself sliding into sexual apathy as the weeks / months go by with less and less desire to do anything with my wife. Yeah, I'm the rip the clothes off type as it appears you are, but as you're accurately pointing out, you've got to have the right spouse for that type of "fire in your loins" intimacy. Neither of us have that in our spouses.

We know it but hard to accept

 

My wife has always lacked self-esteem as it appears your husband does. She's had a poor self-image for a number of years. I've really tried to help her move past it over the time we've been together, but at some point isn't it also incumbent on her to help her own self-esteem improve by working at getting herself into reasonable physical shape? There's only so much I can do as a spouse. I know she's aware because she's made comments when she's seen TV commercials and such, "if I had the money I'd do liposuction" and comments in that vein. I just keep my mouth shut thinking, "you don't need lipo my dear, you just need a little self-discipline and you'd be right where you'd like to be in just a few months."

 

And spouses who get to this point don't stop to think that it's that type of apathy and indifference about their weight DOES impact how we view them. Anyone can say otherwise, but we all develop a great deal of our chemistry based on how the person we're interested in looks.

So true and we don't want to be superficial and love the person we married but deep down we know how we feel.

 

20lbs is nothing by the way MLM! I would even bat an eyelash at 20lbs! I think we're talking here about a good 50-60lbs. If she dropped even 30lbs that would be a big improvement. I don't need her to be 115lbs but a healthy 135-140lbs would be wonderful and I'm sure she'd feel better about herself as well. And because she's pre-menopause it's likely going to get worse unless she reins in her poor eating habits and lacking activity.

 

MLM, I'm sorry to hear your hubby isn't open to counseling. That's pretty sad. My guess is he doesn't want to hear the truth of where your marriage is currently. So he's just avoiding the entire subject. I know you've got other things going on with your hubby aside from just existing together which I know is kind of where you're at currently. What would happen if you put the facebook away and went over to your lazy-boy laden husband and tried getting sensual with him? How'd he react?

I used to and still on occasion try to entice him. He will shut off the t.v. but then ED became the issue. He expects me to always "get him going". There is never any advances from him towards me . No first moves, no flirting. If he on rare occasions wants sex, he'll say when we are in bed already,"Want me to close the door?" God, I read this and realize how far apart we are. Sad! I have no desire left to keep trying to create something between us that really just isn't there. It feels like I am sleeping with a dear friend whom I love but would not have sex with, at this point.

That's what he does with all emotion! He has tried to open up more to me but can only get so far and be who he is. I have to accept this or finally move on, just not ready yet to do so.

[S2B]

Maybe. We just had our anniversary last month. Which was another strange behavior by her worth noting. I had her anniversary gift on the bed ready for her to open on the actual date of our anniversary.

 

She gave me nothing initially which is notable because she typically has something on the date of our wedding. I noticed but didn't really dwell on it since I enjoy giving gifts more than I do getting them.

 

But then a couple of weeks ago out of the blue, she mentioned to me that my anniversary gift was coming but she was waiting for it to arrive since it had to be shipped.

 

And lo and behold, it did arrive about 4 days ago. It was a personalized gift and it very thoughtful, but the truth is, it probably would have taken about 4-5 days to personalize that item and ship it. Translation: She likely didn't do this until well after our actual anniversary date. And that's not really like her, or at least the her of the past.

 

So to update you guys about yesterday. So it's Memorial Day. I'm up at 7:30 AM which is normal. She sleeps till about 10 AM which is normal on a day that we're both off. I was doing some business on my laptop after I'd showered in the morning, while she was still asleep.

 

When she got up, I suggested as I was pouring coffee that we could maybe watch a movie together or play a game. She acknowledged that would be fine. But she also knows that I'm fine doing a lot of things, assuming she tosses out a suggestion or two. But that didn't happen.

 

After a few minor chores however she sat down in the living room where I was and she immediately engaged her smart phone. I said nothing. I wanted to see if she was going to take me up on my offer. She was doing some laundry at that point and looking at her phone in between trips to the laundry room. But eventually after about an hour, she disappeared up to our bedroom leaving the door open.

 

I could hear the TV and I'm quite certain she was on her smart phone as well. But I remained on the main level of the house and just figured "okay, I'll do whatever and see if she comes around."

 

She remained up there for nearly the entire day. Never changed out of her pajamas. Never even showered. Around 7:30 PM she came down and about 20 minutes later, I put a movie on which I had DVR'd without saying much. She passively sat and watched the movie while (you guessed it) playing with her phone.

 

After the movie ended, I watched to see if there were any signs she might want to get physically closer for the evening since she was sitting on another couch and the night was still fairly young. When she sat there looking at her phone without saying anything for another 30 minutes, I just went up to the bedroom and turned on the TV thinking, well, maybe she'll join me and come to bed. But she didn't come up to bed until around midnight, even though she had to be up for work early the next day. I got up at one point around 11:20 PM and could see into the living room that she was still playing with her phone with the TV going in the background.

 

She's normally hygienic, but even I noticed she went the entire day without showering or changing clothes. And the day before she had showered around 9:30 AM, and had later been outside in some pretty intense heat. In other words, she came awfully close to a 48-hour stretch between showers and this despite being out in some 90-some degree weather for much of Sunday late afternoon / evening, the day before Memorial Day.

 

I realize everyone has different cleanliness standards. I'm kind of a clean fanatic myself. I'll shower in the AM and if it's a particularly hot day, I'll grab another shower at the end of the day, just because I like the feeling of being clean and refreshed. I got the feeling she was coming to bed late hoping I wouldn't even notice her lack of a shower, but I'm pretty tuned in to things like that.

 

So in effect, we spent the better part of Memorial Day in the same residence for the entire day, but for the most part we weren't together.

Of late that's not completely unusual by the way. It's becoming more the norm than the exception.

 

If she loves her phone more than she loves feeling connected to you - why don't you leave her?

 

Why not tell her that you feel alone in the marriage because she pays more attention to her phone than to you?

 

Suggest counseling. If she won't go then leave this one sided marriage.

 

Life is too short man. Feeling alone while married? What a waste of every day with someone who holds a spot but doesn't participate!

[Pastypop]

My husband is like a tree in the backyard. You can water it, kick it, scream at it, smile at or talk to it. It just stands there looking stoic. I’ve experieced this for 27 years. I would leave but, I have trouble maintaining long term permanent employment. Every year, I take a nice vacation alone. I get jealous of all the couples who are seeing the world together but, definitely don’t let it ruin my trips. I only stay because I’m scared to death that I will be in poverty and living with my parents like a loser. By staying, maybe I’ll be able to pay off the mortgage soon, maybe have a modest retirement, medical insurance and be able to travel. Hope I don’t sound like a horrible person. If I could keep a job, I’d leave for sure and work all over the world. Over the years, I just learned to live with the disappointment.

 

On time in Greece, he gave toast in front of a lot people at a friend’s wedding. His toast was “always tell your wife she’s right”. He didn’t say anything else. Everybody laughed and stared at me. I was so humiliated. I just sat there like it didn’t bother me at all. Guess some of that stoicism rubbed off.

[ICEMAN69]

This actually makes a lot of sense. It's clear from reading your posts (and you yourself had noticed it) something happened two years ago that precipitated her changing behaviour. She may have postponed mourning her loss.

 

That would surprise me. She wasn't exceptionally close to her father. They struggled for years to have a good relationship. Over the past 10 years they seemed to make that all much better.

 

Remember that the lacking physical activity and looking after her health is nothing new. She's been slowly letting those things go for a long, long time. The lacking libido, almost from day one. The only real new behavior is her fascination with the smart phone which she's only had for about a year. It's like this toy that she can't tear herself away from. If it's a form of escape, I'm open to that possibility, but escape from what I don't really know. Not me I hope. But that could be the case.

[ICEMAN69]

My husband is like a tree in the backyard. You can water it, kick it, scream at it, smile at or talk to it. It just stands there looking stoic. I’ve experieced this for 27 years. I would leave but, I have trouble maintaining long term permanent employment. Every year, I take a nice vacation alone. I get jealous of all the couples who are seeing the world together but, definitely don’t let it ruin my trips. I only stay because I’m scared to death that I will be in poverty and living with my parents like a loser. By staying, maybe I’ll be able to pay off the mortgage soon, maybe have a modest retirement, medical insurance and be able to travel. Hope I don’t sound like a horrible person. If I could keep a job, I’d leave for sure and work all over the world. Over the years, I just learned to live with the disappointment.

 

On time in Greece, he gave toast in front of a lot people at a friend’s wedding. His toast was “always tell your wife she’s right”. He didn’t say anything else. Everybody laughed and stared at me. I was so humiliated. I just sat there like it didn’t bother me at all. Guess some of that stoicism rubbed off.

 

Sad story Patsypop. I don't believe it's ever too late to start over. 27 years of a guy you're comparing to a tree is worth reconsideration.

[ICEMAN69]

And I of course meant trophy WIFE not trophy weight lol. I must do more proofreading.

 

I was tempted to ask what the true trophy weight was but I feared the retaliation from the lady folk on this thread.

[littleblackheart]

That would surprise me. She wasn't exceptionally close to her father. They struggled for years to have a good relationship. Over the past 10 years they seemed to make that all much better.

 

Remember that the lacking physical activity and looking after her health is nothing new. She's been slowly letting those things go for a long, long time. The lacking libido, almost from day one. The only real new behavior is her fascination with the smart phone which she's only had for about a year. It's like this toy that she can't tear herself away from. If it's a form of escape, I'm open to that possibility, but escape from what I don't really know. Not me I hope. But that could be the case.

 

Well, I have nothing else. I guess you can tear yourself apart trying to figure out what the issue is, if any - or you could go straight to the source.

 

I can't relate to the phone addiction as I don't have it but I can relate to letting yourself go during the marriage. I was healthy before I met him, and I'm reasonable healthy(ish) now, but the marriage itself was so bad for my well being in general, and for my weight in particular. The weight melted away when I left him so for me it was directly linked to the state of my marriage.

 

As for your wife, maybe she actually likes herself as she is? If she is otherwise a good life partner and mother, maybe she thinks she is in fact giving you her best self in what truly matters?

 

And if she is self-conscious, it seems obvious she won't need the extra pressure put on her just to please you.

 

Whether and when she chooses to be more active or not is up to her entirely.

 

You can't nor shouldn't control it. You've tried gym, health kicks together and various other things, which really is the extent of what you can do without becoming controlling or obsessive over it.

 

I assumed there may have been underlying issues behind the weight gain (there normally are) but if you say there aren't, I take your word for it. Whether this is a dealbreaker to you is up to you; that's the choice you have in the matter.

[BettyDraper]

That would surprise me. She wasn't exceptionally close to her father. They struggled for years to have a good relationship. Over the past 10 years they seemed to make that all much better.

 

Remember that the lacking physical activity and looking after her health is nothing new. She's been slowly letting those things go for a long, long time. The lacking libido, almost from day one. The only real new behavior is her fascination with the smart phone which she's only had for about a year. It's like this toy that she can't tear herself away from. If it's a form of escape, I'm open to that possibility, but escape from what I don't really know. Not me I hope. But that could be the case.

 

Try asking your wife if she is trying to escape reality with her smartphone.

Most addictions are partly about running away from something.

[ICEMAN69]

Well, I have nothing else. I guess you can tear yourself apart trying to figure out what the issue is, if any - or you could go straight to the source.

 

I can't relate to the phone addiction as I don't have it but I can relate to letting yourself go during the marriage. I was healthy before I met him, and I'm reasonable healthy(ish) now, but the marriage itself was so bad for my well being in general, and for my weight in particular. The weight melted away when I left him so for me it was directly linked to the state of my marriage.

 

As for your wife, maybe she actually likes herself as she is? If she is otherwise a good life partner and mother, maybe she thinks she is in fact giving you her best self in what truly matters?

 

And if she is self-conscious, it seems obvious she won't need the extra pressure put on her just to please you.

 

Whether and when she chooses to be more active or not is up to her entirely.

 

You can't nor shouldn't control it. You've tried gym, health kicks together and various other things, which really is the extent of what you can do without becoming controlling or obsessive over it.

 

I assumed there may have been underlying issues behind the weight gain (there normally are) but if you say there aren't, I take your word for it. Whether this is a dealbreaker to you is up to you; that's the choice you have in the matter.

 

And I thank you and the others for giving me so many things to think about. I am truly weighing out all options and trying to figure out the best course of action.

 

I agree. Maybe she thinks that she's a great life partner as she is. Maybe she just thinks this is the normal course of a marriage after 20+ years together.

 

And I refuse to become controlling because that's just not the way a marriage should operate. For me, both individuals should be self-motivated to give their significant other their best. But complacency is also a very real problem in many marriages.

 

You've tossed out some good ideas LBH and as I said, I'm weighing carefully what my next step should be. At the moment we're just kind of passing one another. No fighting or debate. I've more and more taken the position that if she's going to live her life as she likes, I should do the same FOR NOW and at some point I'll have to make a more concrete decision and go from there.

 

Thank you!