Anyone left a marriage out of boredom?

[RecentChange]

Iceman, you need to talk to her, directly, like an adult, not dropping hints and making snarky comments like a teenager.

 

Smart phones can be the devil, we have struggled with them in my household as well (I hated the day we got WiFi in the cabin in the woods we used to live in, before then it was disconnected bliss!)

 

Anyway I TOLD my husband, had a real adult talk about how I hate it that he is looking at his phone and not "present" with me, when we have evenings at home.

 

I told him about how it made me feel. I told him why it bothered me. You need to express your feelings, she is not a mind reader.

 

Don't be passive agressive, be direct! And you know what, that, along with reminders worked. I'll speak up when it bothers me "let's put the phones down".

 

And I can fall into the same trap, and he can call me out on it as well. Usually I just didn't realize that devil pH sucked me back in. I'll put it right down if he requests and give him attention.

 

May have some "phone free" hours each evening? We try to do that by leaving our phones in another room. On a side note, I also hate video games, and when we first met I said I would not have them in my house! Eventually I did cave, but he keeps it limited. Plays games when I am not home, and the chore list isn't too deep.

 

And on the communication note - you need to tell her you want her to intiate. She again, isn't a mind reader. TELL HER, about how you would love it if she expressed that desire for you. About how good it makes you feel, about the needs of yours it meets. About how when she doesn't you do not feel fulfilled.

 

Because the thing is, I doubt any of this is malicious. She just isn't aware of how her behavior is affecting you. You need to stop expecting her to be a mind reader and tell her with your words.

[ICEMAN69]

Why wait and let resentment fester?

 

Some days it feels like resentment and other days I'm asking myself if we should even be together at this point given where she's at. I guess I'm a little hesitant to push someone into being someone different given that it really should come naturally in a "sound marriage."

 

I'm not afraid to address it with her. I'm just kind of worn out on the issue if that makes sense. After awhile, mental and emotional fatigue set in and I have a lot of days where I feel like why do I even care?

 

So if anything, I feel less resentment as time goes by and more apathy and detachment. But I know apathy isn't good either, so I'm trying to think this through from all angles.

[ICEMAN69]

People use electronics for escape. I know it can get really bad because my sister, in the early days of PC videogaming, nearly lost her house from escaping into gaming. And there's lots of people who live on their smartphones. It's not healthy and it is neglectful. You've got to take care of your real life first and work that in on a low priority.

 

I completely agree. For some it's as addicting as crack or gambling.

 

She's never been into gaming. She does sit on her phone and play candy crush quite a bit. Frankly, I'm a bit upset with myself. I'm the one suggested to her last year getting a smartphone. Previous to that she had a limited hours flip-phone and she just used it for limited calls and texts. Of course when I suggested the upgrade, I had no idea the Frankenstein that would result.

[ICEMAN69]

Yes...I’ve told him I may move on, but then then he’ll be good for a short time and then back to his bad habit. Ive given up after four years of this childish behavior and I am conconsidering seperating or divorce. I know everyone needs there alone time and I never minded him playing, just the amount of hours on end playing. No intimate time anymore, that’s long gone, I have thought to myself many times that I feel like I’m married to a teenager. I’m married to my best friend, like you though, I feel like it’s not that bad...we have it pretty good but a lot is missing and not even sure it’s salvageable, I feel like it’s too late now. Missing the intimacy being with a man. I’m feeling deep down I’m ready to move on...just not sure I have the heart to do so:(

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

 

You pretty much pegged it. We to have it "pretty good" but I'm often asking myself is just settling and being content good enough? I miss the thrill of a healthy intimate relationship and looking forward to spending time with one another. And frankly, I'm not sure how much longer I can put forth the effort all by myself. I feel fatigued at this point. Worn out.

 

I'm sure you sit and ask yourself nearly every day the same question I ask myself. Is this it? Is this all there is going forward? Is this the best my spouse will ever give me? Is this how I'm going to live the next 5-10-15 years?

 

I'm sure you sit and say to yourself, I have so much more to give, and I'd rather give it to someone who is far more deserving of my affection.

 

Your teenager analogy is dead on. My wife works and she's responsible in most every other way, but it's like when she's home I'm just part of the background setting.

 

And honestly, if I didn't put forth any effort at romance in this relationship, it would likely be completely non-existent. Romance and intimacy are supposed to be something both spouses contribute to a healthy relationship. When it's just one individual, it begins to feel more like labor rather than pleasure.

 

Yep, the grass isn't always greener, you're right, and sadly that's why people like us just put up with relationship mediocrity.

[ICEMAN69]

I'm not married, but I have been in a long term relationship for 6 years. I usually pick my girlfriend up and spend the weekend with her.

 

Lately, when we get back to my home all she wants to do is play on her smartphone. I asked her "Why did I pick you up, if all you are going to do is play on your phone??"

 

I tried to take her bicycle riding, but she complained the whole time. Half way into our ride, she stopped, go off her bicycle and sat down. I had to ride home alone, get my truck and go pick up her and the bike. When we got back to my house, she plopped down on the couch and right back on the smartphone.

 

Short of turning my home into a Faraday Cage, I don't know how to fix my situation, either. There are other issues and problems with our relationship and I think its heading towards a conclusion.

 

I know you are married, so its not exactly the same, but I do empathize with your feelings.

 

If you are able to come up with a fix, please share...

 

HP, the only thing I can offer is this. If you're seeing that behavior at only 6 years consider it a blessing. You can back out much easier without all the legal entanglements of marriage and kids, although I realize there is the 6 year relationship investment as well as the emotional investment that's hard to just walk away from.

 

If I can ask, what exactly is she doing on her phone? Gaming, Social Media, Texting?

 

For me the whole thing is bewildering. I don't want to sit and look at my phone more than I have too. I don't game. I do some work on my laptop, but that's most reading, research, and a little bit of business. And I make sure when she's around I limit what I do on the laptop or just fold up and try to be available for her. Not that she notices.

[ICEMAN69]

Your feelings are very valid !

 

Myself and many others can relate to the feelings you are having in your relationship.

 

Problem with people like us is that while we may be at a crossroads with our relationships, deep down we know it may be time to call it but fear stops us. Love stops us because we genuinely care about and love our partners. We tell ourselves it's "Good enough" and the grass may not be greener. We don't want to go through the pain or hassle of divorce and start all over. We want change, we want romance, we want excitement and attention from our partners.

 

Maybe we can't get that? Do we then settle for what morsels we do get? We rationalize that all couples get bored eventually or start to ignore one another. I look around at restaurants and can tell which couples are truly working their relationships and which have checked out and which ones need to check out. Some are engrossed in their own worlds on their phones. Some are giving the kids all the attention. Some have grown old together but still engage while others are so damn bored they can't even look at each-other.

 

I swore I'd never get there in my relationship. I truly "Like" my spouse but have no sexual chemistry and it has worn on me through the years. I always had to be the initiator and not just sex, but intimacy and emotions. Sad to say this, but he barely has a pulse but I have been with him half my life. I have struggled with the feelings you now have for about 9 years and we just hit our 25th anniversary.

 

I've written quite a bit on LostandLonging's post "Wanting to leave a good relationship"..it's hell because every time I have discussions with my husband, we try and try and we get along great and do enjoy each other's company, but we are quite different people and there is a lot missing between us.

 

If you are still able to reignite a spark between the two of you, that's great!! It means there is still hope. Sounds like major changes have to occur to save things..phones and or games (other poster) are now just as addictive as alcohol or drugs. Your wife may be depressed and or checking out of the marriage because she feels the same way you do and isn't willing to say it. Just a thought.

 

Hoping you guys can work through and really get to the bottom of what it is you now want (now, not what you had,but a new relationship) if you both want to move forward.

 

It has been said that no one but us can make us happy, just ourselves, but then what's the point of being in any relationship? No one goes into one thinking they will have to support their own needs all of the time. Relationships take constant work on both parts but then when you've done all you can, then decisions about ones happiness needs to take priority. I have yet to walk away and continue to try because it's worth it, but there may come a day (I fear) that I am likely to call it (we've had a great run).

 

Yeah, everything you posted I can really relate too I sat here reading what you wrote affirming every word.

 

It's not even that I'm an excitement junky. I know there's a degree of familiarity that comes with a long term relationship. That's fine. I'm realistic. And that's where the self-assessment of where the relationship is and where it's going come into play.

 

The smart phone problem she currently is dealing with has only been around for about a year. Previous to that at least we could sit in a room together and converse. Now she can barely have a conversation with me without the phone distraction. And she occasionally tosses out updates of peoples lives she sees on social media! I'm polite about it, but frankly I'm interested in living our lives and not worrying about what everyone is doing on facebook.

 

I'm not really afraid of being alone. In some ways I feel like it might be a relief, at least for a while. I'm a one-man woman and I think I was built for marriage. I like it being with that one special person who you get to share everything with. But in our relationship, I feel like her social interactions have become more important to her over the years than I am.

 

Looking back I've always been the one stoking the fire of romance and intimacy in our relationship. Yeah, it's been frustrating at times. But I've just kind of learned to accept it. In my opinion she has never really needed the intimacy and romance part of the relationship. She's a hugger and she's always been warm and kind to me, but that's all that she's ever been able to give. She's for the most part reciprocal to my romantic suggestions or advances, but she's never the one to prime the pump or suggest the romance. That's always been my burden. We'd likely go without if I didn't pursue it.

 

As I stated in my OP, she's always gotten more out of her social relationships than I think she has from our relationship. I'm built for one-on-one relationships, and social relationships have always taken a back seat to my spouse.

 

It's not that things are awful or that we fight or that we don't get along. We just seem to exist. I used to be excited to be around her and I looked forward to seeing her at the end of the day, but I think over this past year she's just worn me down to the ground emotionally and now I feel this sad emptiness as I try to figure out how to deal with it going forward.

[Happy Lemming]

If I can ask, what exactly is she doing on her phone? Gaming, Social Media, Texting?

 

 

All Social Media... Instagram... Facebook... There is one site that is mostly pictures and video(s). I guess that is still considered social media??

 

I'm not into any of the social media sites, so I don't know all of the names, etc.

 

And yes, I can get out of this relationship easily.

[ICEMAN69]

I have written to you and others... that are in this situation.

 

All I can say to everyone, is that if you are not happy, and if you have tried to fix it, then it is time to leave.

 

MLM and I are at about the same age, while I don't even like my Ex, I really loved her at one time, probably too much.

 

And while that marriage was a nightmare in every sense of the word, I ask... is just waiting to die with each other, in a good but otherwise passionless, sexless, affectionless marriage, supposed to be enough?

 

I say, no. And MLM is right about one thing, WE are responsible for our happiness and no one else.

 

If you are in a marriage, and no matter what you do your spouse will not "Get It", then what are you supposed to do.

 

And if you wonder about the future, I won't promise it will ever be perfect, but frankly it just has to be better IMHO.

 

Now for me, since I have been free, for the most part left child rearing in my rear view mirror, and have just been living my life, I am as happy as a pig in SH**.

 

My current, and hopefully last, GF is literally the finest woman that I have ever known. And I have known a lot of women.

 

I think that I have finally found someone that really loves me, because I am me, and it is the best feeling I have ever had.

 

I believe that is out there for everyone.

 

I for one think leaving an OK marriage and trying to be happy is better than staying in an OK marriage where you are already miserable.

 

Or maybe the marriage is really not OK and people just want to think it is OK...

 

I think that's the problem. When you're in an "okay marriage" and you've known people in miserable marriages you realize deep down it could be a lot worse. So you coach yourself into just toughing it out and tell yourself to suck it up.

 

I was in a marriage before this one and we didn't get along for most of that relationship. She was spoiled rotten as a child and that persona worked its way into our relationship and our marriage. She was demanding and very hard-headed.

 

What we did have going for us was great sex and a burning passion for one another, and that part of the marriage was hot because our hormones were always working overtime. For me it was nice knowing that she needed me physically as much as I needed her. But in the end, that wasn't enough for the relationship to continue.

 

Now I've got a relationship where we get along fine. We don't fight. We don't argue. There's no real strife. But the relationship seems dead for the most part and my wife seems largely checked out from any concept of "us" at this point.

 

So yeah, I hear what you're saying. And trust me. I do think about it. I do sit and weigh out the reality that this could be my life going forward and it's rather sad and pathetic and like others who have posted here, I'm asking myself how in the hell I got here?

 

And at the same time I'm thinking there's probably some romantic female out there who is a wonderful match for me and who is far more interested in sharing time together with someone special and enjoying every minute we can together. And yes, I wish I had that. But that's not my reality at the moment.

[ICEMAN69]

Moreover, I was trying to get her some cardio exercise. Her doctor wants her to exercise everyday and lose weight. She has several health issues that would benefit from increased exercise, better diet and losing some weight.

 

Bike riding is a non-impact form of exercise and I was keeping a slow pace for her.

 

It seems her favorite activities revolve around "sitting" or "eating" (Movies or going out to dinner). I'm doing my best to introduce something fun and beneficial.

 

It's funny, I'm dealing with some of those things as well.

 

My wife used to be a bit more active. Now the idea of aerobics, the gym, or any form of exercise are almost foreign to her, and she's ended up with a couple of minor health issues over the past year that I believe may be directly related to her inactivity.

 

But she can't see it. She's content. She's happy sitting and starring at her smart phone or the TV and that's the extent of her activity these days after sitting in an office environment all day.

 

Guess what I'm thinking? Aside from the fact that she doesn't pay much attention to me, I may end up taking care of her in the next few years because she's not the least bit interested in being proactive and keeping on top of her health.

[ICEMAN69]

Iceman, you need to talk to her, directly, like an adult, not dropping hints and making snarky comments like a teenager.

 

Smart phones can be the devil, we have struggled with them in my household as well (I hated the day we got WiFi in the cabin in the woods we used to live in, before then it was disconnected bliss!)

 

Anyway I TOLD my husband, had a real adult talk about how I hate it that he is looking at his phone and not "present" with me, when we have evenings at home.

 

I told him about how it made me feel. I told him why it bothered me. You need to express your feelings, she is not a mind reader.

 

Don't be passive agressive, be direct! And you know what, that, along with reminders worked. I'll speak up when it bothers me "let's put the phones down".

 

And I can fall into the same trap, and he can call me out on it as well. Usually I just didn't realize that devil pH sucked me back in. I'll put it right down if he requests and give him attention.

 

May have some "phone free" hours each evening? We try to do that by leaving our phones in another room. On a side note, I also hate video games, and when we first met I said I would not have them in my house! Eventually I did cave, but he keeps it limited. Plays games when I am not home, and the chore list isn't too deep.

 

And on the communication note - you need to tell her you want her to intiate. She again, isn't a mind reader. TELL HER, about how you would love it if she expressed that desire for you. About how good it makes you feel, about the needs of yours it meets. About how when she doesn't you do not feel fulfilled.

 

Because the thing is, I doubt any of this is malicious. She just isn't aware of how her behavior is affecting you. You need to stop expecting her to be a mind reader and tell her with your words.

 

Yeah, we've had that "intimacy" talk a few times over the years. At this point I feel like it's been brought up so many times I just have nothing left. My tank is empty where that subject is concerned.

 

About 8 years ago, when I was really fed up with that aspect of our lives and she seemed to be gleaning more happiness with her social life than from our life together I told her that we needed to consider going our separate ways. Of course she instantly changed and got very sexual nearly every night, but that lasted about a month and then she just returned to normal.

 

She's a band-aid person. She doesn't really change with any degree of permanence, she just does what she thinks she has to do to get by in the relationship.

 

I'm really not making snarky comments about the smart phone. I think I've done it twice over the past year. For the most part I just get up an go do my own thing after she sits and looks at it for a few hours.

[Happy Lemming]

It's funny, I'm dealing with some of those things as well.

 

My wife used to be a bit more active. Now the idea of aerobics, the gym, or any form of exercise are almost foreign to her, and she's ended up with a couple of minor health issues over the past year that I believe may be directly related to her inactivity.

 

But she can't see it. She's content. She's happy sitting and starring at her smart phone or the TV and that's the extent of her activity these days after sitting in an office environment all day.

 

Guess what I'm thinking? Aside from the fact that she doesn't pay much attention to me, I may end up taking care of her in the next few years because she's not the least bit interested in being proactive and keeping on top of her health.

 

If you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

 

About 8 months ago, my doctor told me to lose 25 pounds, and reduce my cholesterol. He asked me if I wanted to be on cholesterol medication, which I did not. So I changed my diet and exercised every morning. I started out walking and switched to bike riding.

 

I've since lost 32 pounds and my cholesterol is back down in the normal range. Now, I look forward to my morning bicycle rides; its become the best part of my day.

 

I'm trying to set a good example, but my girlfriend is content swallowing a fist full of different colored pills each morning.

[ICEMAN69]

If you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

 

About 8 months ago, my doctor told me to lose 25 pounds, and reduce my cholesterol. He asked me if I wanted to be on cholesterol medication, which I did not. So I changed my diet and exercised every morning. I started out walking and switched to bike riding.

 

I've since lost 32 pounds and my cholesterol is back down in the normal range. Now, I look forward to my morning bicycle rides; its become the best part of my day.

 

I'm trying to set a good example, but my girlfriend is content swallowing a fist full of different colored pills each morning.

 

 

You obviously have something my wife has never had. Self discipline. Congrats on losing all that weight and transforming yourself. Not everyone can do that.

 

 

 

I'm like you, I can self motivate and get my head in the game fairly easily. I take very good care of myself overall and workout daily.

 

 

 

That is an entirely different subject that leaves me bothered by our relationship. My wife seems content to just live her life however, and if she falls over dead tomorrow, oh well.

 

 

 

I'm more proactive about it. I read longevity studies and do everything that I can to try to remain healthy as I age. Again, this is just one more aspect of why we are on different planets.

[preraph]

Moreover, I was trying to get her some cardio exercise. Her doctor wants her to exercise everyday and lose weight. She has several health issues that would benefit from increased exercise, better diet and losing some weight.

 

Bike riding is a non-impact form of exercise and I was keeping a slow pace for her.

 

It seems her favorite activities revolve around "sitting" or "eating" (Movies or going out to dinner). I'm doing my best to introduce something fun and beneficial.

 

Well, that right there is what she was really mad about, you trying to get her to lose weight. Do so at your own risk. It takes exercise and eating very little for women to lose weight, and you can't make her do it. I think that was her way of striking back out of resentment about it, not so much about the smartphone. I'd leave her alone about diet and exercise and see if she doesn't decide on her own to do it down the road, and if she doesn't, you can't do it for her.

[ICEMAN69]

Well, that right there is what she was really mad about, you trying to get her to lose weight. Do so at your own risk. It takes exercise and eating very little for women to lose weight, and you can't make her do it. I think that was her way of striking back out of resentment about it, not so much about the smartphone. I'd leave her alone about diet and exercise and see if she doesn't decide on her own to do it down the road, and if she doesn't, you can't do it for her.

 

 

Unfortunately you're right. The minute you try to assist someone who has zero discipline with any type of lifestyle change they become angry and resentful. And as the years go by I've learned they're going to be a lot less likely to make the necessary changes anyway because they simply settle in to accepting their undisciplined lifestyle condition and become complacent and content with who and what they've become.

[Happy Lemming]

Well, that right there is what she was really mad about, you trying to get her to lose weight. Do so at your own risk. It takes exercise and eating very little for women to lose weight, and you can't make her do it. I think that was her way of striking back out of resentment about it, not so much about the smartphone. I'd leave her alone about diet and exercise and see if she doesn't decide on her own to do it down the road, and if she doesn't, you can't do it for her.

 

Personally, I don't care if she loses weight or not.

 

She recently developed diabetes along with already having high cholesterol and other problems. Her sugar is out of control, as she won't stick to the diet. I was there when the doctor told her about diet and exercise. Furthermore, there are serious consequences if she doesn't get her sugar under control.

 

For me, I like a woman with a little "meat on the bones", but I don't want to contribute to the decline of her health.

Edited May 25, 2018 by Happy Lemming
spacing

[ICEMAN69]

Personally, I don't care if she loses weight or not.

 

She recently developed diabetes along with already having high cholesterol and other problems. Her sugar is out of control, as she won't stick to the diet. I was there when the doctor told her about diet and exercise. Furthermore, there are serious consequences if she doesn't get her sugar under control.

 

For me, I like a woman with a little "meat on the bones", but I don't want to contribute to the decline of her health.

 

 

Pretty amazing. My wife is a sugar fiend as well and just consumes lots of junk without giving it much thought. Why? She likes it and that's all that matters. I've made my concerns known to her but she doesn't really care.

 

 

 

To me someone who is that neglectful of themselves is displaying a form of selfishness. They don't stop and think about those who love them. They don't stop and think about their kids. They don't stop and consider that if their health utterly fails someone is going to be on the hook to take care of them. Or that they may not be able to stay employed. They just plow on with unhealthy choices without a care in the world.

 

 

 

Shouldn't these people love themselves enough to want to make those minor lifestyle changes? It seems so clear to me. I just don't get it.

[Happy Lemming]

Shouldn't these people love themselves enough to want to make those minor lifestyle changes? It seems so clear to me. I just don't get it.

 

Personally, I'll make whatever changes my doctor suggests to me. He went to school for a long time and knows more than I do.

 

And he doesn't have to tell me twice.

 

There is also "common sense" when it comes to your diet. They've even made the labels on the food BIGGER. We all know what "junk food" is, there is a reason it is called that.

[treehugger12]

Since my husband has been gaming the last 4 years, I’ve been getting into good shape, eating super healthy, I’ve logged into MyFitnessPal 1235 days in a row now, he does not take care of himself at all, smokes and drinks a lot, no exercise. We are total opposites. Now I’m in the best shape of my life at 48. It’s really sad and I wish he would take care of himself because I feel some day with the years of smoking and drinking I will end up having to take care of him because he’s neglecting himself. I know...sickness and health but I don’t think it’s fair to the spouse if they are abusing their bodies and not even trying to take care of themselves. It’s not fair and I’m screaming inside with frustration.

[S2B]

If you're just going to be critical of her then just divorce her.

 

I can't tell you how hurtful that criticism is to any person and it's definitely not loving behavior.

 

Maybe next time you can marry someone who is perfect.

[treehugger12]

If you're just going to be critical of her then just divorce her.

 

I can't tell you how hurtful that criticism is to any person and it's definitely not loving behavior.

 

Maybe next time you can marry someone who is perfect.

 

I don’t think op is being critical, I think his feelings are totally valid. His wife not paying attention to him and always on her phone is not loving behavior, that is why he is here searching for advice. I completely understand where he is coming from because I’m in the same kind of relationship with my spouse. I so get it!

[ICEMAN69]

Personally, I'll make whatever changes my doctor suggests to me. He went to school for a long time and knows more than I do.

 

And he doesn't have to tell me twice.

 

There is also "common sense" when it comes to your diet. They've even made the labels on the food BIGGER. We all know what "junk food" is, there is a reason it is called that.

 

 

Yep, and in my case I'm very proactive about health, fitness, longevity. I'm an avid reader so I'm always keeping up on those subjects.

 

There's a saying I saw years back on someone's refrigerator, "AM I EATING TO LIVE OR LIVING TO EAT?" Probably should be posted on all of our refrigerators.

My wife on the other hand just wings it. She takes no proactive actions to correct her diet, her fitness level, or look out for her health. It's truly like living with an 8 year old who wants to just eat whatever makes them happy. But when you have an office job all day, a reasonable commute (sitting in a car) and then you get home and jump on the couch with a smart phone in your hand, I mean it's just bewildering to me.

 

At some point shouldn't she be more worried about her health than I am? One would think that at some point common sense kicks in and she'd say to herself, I'm getting older, I need to get my weight back to a reasonable level, start a daily exercise routine, and make wise food choices or I'm in all likelihood going to DIE young!

 

People who just self-abuse themselves always amaze me. It's like you walk into a Walmart and you see these obese people driving around on Walmart scooters and they're maybe 300 lbs and only in their 30s or 40s. And of course they manage to get out off the scooter at some point and plunk themselves down in their car. They're capable of walking. They just don't want too. How can they not be aware that walking and pushing a cart might be the best thing to get back on the road to regain their health?

[ICEMAN69]

Since my husband has been gaming the last 4 years, I’ve been getting into good shape, eating super healthy, I’ve logged into MyFitnessPal 1235 days in a row now, he does not take care of himself at all, smokes and drinks a lot, no exercise. We are total opposites. Now I’m in the best shape of my life at 48. It’s really sad and I wish he would take care of himself because I feel some day with the years of smoking and drinking I will end up having to take care of him because he’s neglecting himself. I know...sickness and health but I don’t think it’s fair to the spouse if they are abusing their bodies and not even trying to take care of themselves. It’s not fair and I’m screaming inside with frustration.

 

 

We're in the exact same spot in life TH. And I've thought many times preciously what you posted here. To me, for "in sickness and in health" by default indicates that the individual you're marrying is going to do their part. Now looking back, I wish I'd written that into a pre-nup.

 

If my wife got sick or had serious health problems through no fault of her own I'd be right there by her side taking care of her. But when you can plainly see it's just ongoing years of neglect it's just not the same thing. That's just a form of self-abuse.

 

I'm with you girl! I've also had the screaming inside frustrating moments like "can't you see what you're doing to yourself, and don't you care?"

 

As I stated in an earlier post. To me, it's another form of selfishness not unlike the individual who smokes, drinks too much booze, neglects controlling their weight, becomes a certified couch potato, etc.

 

I've always been fitness minded. From high school up till today. I was at a recent class reunion and looking around at all the guys I played sports with and 95% of them had just let themselves go. Full blown neglect, like they gave up on any notion of being active again. Some looked like they'd struggle to even play golf. Many of the girls who were the "real catch" back then had also let themselves go.

 

I got several compliments for not looking a whole lot different than I did in high school. Yeah, it felt damn good, but then I work hard at taking good care of myself. It's not vanity. I'm not that type. It's just that I want to be the best version of me that I can possibly be. Nobody has to become fat and out of shape. We just accept that as we get older and we've been married to the same individual for a few decades, that that's just how it is. Very sad indeed.

[treehugger12]

Good morning Iceman, I hope your hanging in there. I’ve really been struggling with my feelings. I’ve really been thinking about you and Midlife Mama’s post and it’s really hitting home for me. Now Mystic Raven’s post, ughh...My best friend is going through the same thing with her spouse. I really wish I had a solution, but it does help to be here on LS to talk about it with others. Funny that you write about the spouse being in a wheelchair because yesterday we were at the grocery store and saw this older couple. The husband was in a wheelchair with oxygen, obviously in poor health, the wife appeared to be in good health and walking. I told my husband after they went by, yup, that will be us someday and you’ll be on oxygen and in a wheelchair because you’ve spent your whole life smoking and not caring for yourself. He just rolled his eyes. By all means, the poor gentleman could have taken care of himself and maybe he fell ill to other illnesses. I so agree with you. I want to live a healthy lifestyle and it’s so hard when your spouse is not on board. I mean seriously, exercise even increases the sex drive, that right there should be enough to workout...right?

[ICEMAN69]

If you're just going to be critical of her then just divorce her.

 

I can't tell you how hurtful that criticism is to any person and it's definitely not loving behavior.

 

Maybe next time you can marry someone who is perfect.

 

 

Look, I don't know of one person who's ever been in a 20+ year marriage who can't find a couple of things to criticize a spouse about. I'm a person who doesn't care about the little stuff.

 

But I happen to believe that the two issues I have with my wife are fairly valid concerns. 1) feeling ignored in lieu of a smart phone or her social life and 2) feeling like her self-neglect of her fitness, weight and health need to be given some attention.

 

Given the fact that several people here have shared similar issues about their spouses or significant others I'm clearly not alone on these issues.

 

I guess you're idea of "loving behavior" is to just the categorical acceptance of any and all things about your spouse, even when it has a negative impact on both our relationship and her health? How exactly is that loving behavior? Do you suggest I give her carte blanche to do whatever she likes? It's one thing when you live by yourself and you're not engaged in a relationship, by all means go ahead and do what you want and be whatever you like. But the rules are different when you are in a committed relationship. Sorry, that's just reality.

 

Moreover, how is her neglect of me by choosing time on a smart phone over time with me loving? How is letting your activity level drop to practically zero and your weigh increase loving?

 

I don't believe I or anybody who has posted similar concerns about a spouse or significant-other on this thread have indicated that they are looking for the perfect spouse, least of all me. I am quite aware that I'm not perfect so it would be damn hard to expect perfection out of my wife. But I don't sit on a smart phone for hours and ignore her when she's 5 feet away, and I don't neglect my health, fitness or weight because I believe those are important things not only for me, but for my spouse as well.

[ICEMAN69]

I don’t think op is being critical, I think his feelings are totally valid. His wife not paying attention to him and always on her phone is not loving behavior, that is why he is here searching for advice. I completely understand where he is coming from because I’m in the same kind of relationship with my spouse. I so get it!

 

 

Yeah, I know you do Treehugger. People in relationships where electronic distractions take precedence and priority over flesh and blood intimacy get it.

 

I meant to ask you on your former posting, what led you to a reboot of your fitness level four years ago? Were you hoping your spouse would join you and get active as well?