Purrrfect Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 If dinner was his idea he should have paid. Honestly I think it’s lame for any guy to expect a woman to pay for dinner. He’s cheap. When I met my now ex hub, he was freshly divorced, broke, and paying child support for 3 kids and temp. Alimony. He still insisted on paying for our dates. He even asked me to go on a weekend getaway and expected to pay but I insisted on chipping in. So maybe you guys should stick to eating out maybe just once a week or on payday and he should pay but I would at least tip. Btw there was a guy on here a while ago. Obnoxious an super cheap lol. He would never pay for dates or stick to coffee. Curious what happened to him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Was it wrong when I went on a first date and the woman had 10 drinks, that I let her pay for 9 of them? I did offer to share the sandwich and fries I bought! Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Sal, is that really how you feel ? Women have no value, no power of their own ? I get the entitlement and transacional side of dating, at times that to me is a price that just gets paid in order to participate in getting to know someone, most women however have never given me that vib, and the ones that do normally don't last long in the dating process before they get nexted. No, of course that's not how I feel it should be, but it's the result of pay to play mentality, white knight syndrome or whatever you'd prefer to call it. This practice of expecting that their company, affection, and/or favors should be compensated is just a remnant of the old patriarchy wherein women were owned, fed, watered and bred like livestock... not being facetious; this kind of system actually existed, and still does some places, including western cultures. Pay to play is demeaning to women, imho, even though a few of the less enlightened choose to be blind to the larger perspective in favor of immediate benefit. Highly educated, progressive women are rejecting it in droves. This is probably the last generation wherein women allow themselves to be bought by macho guys who carry a wad of bills in their pocket and pull it out like peacock feathers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 ^ While it is becoming outmoded, as long as men make significantly more money than women and as long as women get pregnant, there is a reason why it's a bit one sided on who pays for dates. Realize that if a woman is looking for a mate to eventually have kids with, she needs to know that he can and WILL support her through pregnancy and at least some months of childrearing. So not choosing a man who relies on the woman half and half is a practical consideration all around. As everyone knows, once in a committed relationship, women tend to usually DO a lot more than a man does in many ways, but with women also now working, they shouldn't be expected to do it all just because the man picked up checks while dating. I can't think of any committed married or living together situation that I've seen in my past with people I know where the man is actually contributing more overall than the woman. I have more often seen it the other way around -- and then divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I'm not going to get into the paying issue as there are other threads on that, but op I think two months is way too early to *meet* kids, never mind buying them stuff. And two months is a good time to jump ship if this isn't working out. Should be plain sailing at this stage, if it isn't, I'd bail. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 He introduced me to his kids way too early. I'm glad he did though because they need some parenting i.e. 7 and 10 year olds should not be eating so much sweets, takeout food, staying up til 11 and 12 and mouthing off at their dad who gives them everything they want. Good to know this, right? In any case, I took them out one on one last week to try and bond. I buy them gifts, yes. It does get tiring trying to be accepted and liked when I can just stay home and enjoy all my independence and freedom (my son is 19) without going broke or trying to win a popularity contest with these kids that has a bad ending. straight up! I am wondering what I'm getting into here. All of this sounds like something you'd expect a couple to be working through 2 YEARS in, not 2 months!! The bill issue sounds minor to me. I'd just talk about needing to cut down on expenses, and go to cheaper places. Sliding the bill over to you just sounds really awkward in my view, but it's minor compared to all the other issues you guys are having. It sounds like you're already developing a lot of resentment around his kids, and I think it's pretty ****ty on his behalf to be trying to co-opt a woman whom he barely even knows to be a stepmother. I can't see this ending well. Better to cut your losses here. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 I'm not going to get into the paying issue as there are other threads on that, but op I think two months is way too early to *meet* kids, never mind buying them stuff. And two months is a good time to jump ship if this isn't working out. Should be plain sailing at this stage, if it isn't, I'd bail. He really moved fast. Yes. I'm not sure why he would do that, as men don't generally rush into things. And yes it could easily fail at this point. No relationship is perfect, but there are a few huge concerns already. I am just waiting for another reason....three strikes and you're out. I love ball!! lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 All of this sounds like something you'd expect a couple to be working through 2 YEARS in, not 2 months!! The bill issue sounds minor to me. I'd just talk about needing to cut down on expenses, and go to cheaper places. Sliding the bill over to you just sounds really awkward in my view, but it's minor compared to all the other issues you guys are having. It sounds like you're already developing a lot of resentment around his kids, and I think it's pretty ****ty on his behalf to be trying to co-opt a woman whom he barely even knows to be a stepmother. I can't see this ending well. Better to cut your losses here. Yes the bill issue is small, and I already told him I can't afford restaurants on a regular basis so that has to stop. He understands. He also claims he was just showing me the bill because he thought the price was reasonably low. Would have paid. (ok). As for resentment, I guess that is coming into play because I have never dated a man with kids and I feel thrown into it. Yes. Why did he rush this relationship to the extent and we are talking step-mommy potential only 2 months in? I can't figure out what it is he actually wants here? I do like to figure people and things out whether or not I choose to put it in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 ^ While it is becoming outmoded, as long as men make significantly more money than women and as long as women get pregnant, there is a reason why it's a bit one sided on who pays for dates. This is and always will be weak reasoning. Women don't have children by every man they date, therefore it's presumptuous to expect a man to prove anything to you under the guise of there being a small chance he's the one who gets you sooner or later down the line. Women expect men to pay for dates even if she's not looking for anything serious. Don't try to apply physiological logic to what clearly boils down to entitlement and narcissism. On the flip side, if a man were to tell you that you need to cook for him the first night to ensure you are able to feed his kids down the line, I doubt you bust out the apron and display your domestic abilities. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I assume there are selfish guys out there who need a nanny for their small kids. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Moderation stopping by to remind members to remain focused on the thread starter's dating issue and to save general debate of the politics of who pays for our very lengthy and informative thread on that topic, linked here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/525895-new-consolidated-paying-dates-thread Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 I assume there are selfish guys out there who need a nanny for their small kids. It's the only thing that makes any sense right?....maybe rushing because he needs a babysitter. Or maybe he is more overwhelmed at being a single parent than he cares to admit. Interesting. Hey, I've put in my time, and my son is 19. I already told this new guy I won't make any big decisions for 2-3 years in any relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I assume there are selfish guys out there who need a nanny for their small kids. There are guys who go for joint custody and then get a girlfriend as soon as possible lined up to do their part in caring for the child if their mother won't. It isn't all of them by any means, but it is definitely a "thing." So they rush right into it. Now, may not be the case here depending on her availability since she said she definitely works. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 It's the only thing that makes any sense right?....maybe rushing because he needs a babysitter. Or maybe he is more overwhelmed at being a single parent than he cares to admit. Interesting. Hey, I've put in my time, and my son is 19. I already told this new guy I won't make any big decisions for 2-3 years in any relationship. I actually think it's bananas that he let you -- a woman he's only known two months -- take his 7 year old and 10 year old out for one on one bonding. (I also think it's bananas that you did it.) 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 I actually think it's bananas that he let you -- a woman he's only known two months -- take his 7 year old and 10 year old out for one on one bonding. (I also think it's bananas that you did it.) It was so rushed that it now has a momentum all it's own, yes. I'm about to scale it back though. I have to keep a comfortable distance from the kids for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 There are guys who go for joint custody and then get a girlfriend as soon as possible lined up to do their part in caring for the child if their mother won't. It isn't all of them by any means, but it is definitely a "thing." So they rush right into it. Now, may not be the case here depending on her availability since she said she definitely works. Interesting. This never occurred to me before. He has joint custody, one week on, one week off. His ex does not work, but I do. I want to keep my eyes wide open in case this is about sharing finances. To me, it's not a good reason to be together. He does talk about living together in the future. I am independent and self-reliant. I can take my time on this one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 His side of the story he pays all the time and you throw a fit after paying once. Your side of the story, you can't afford it. And that's legit. You wanna treat him to something good, but you don't wanna drop a hundred dollars. There's only one solution............. Bar-B-Q! Go down to a Mexican meat market and pick up a couple pounds of fajita marinada and a bag of charcoal and tortillas. Problem solved 2 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 How can he rush the relationship without you being an equal participant? And what exactly is the issue here? So you are doing nice things not because you want to but with an expectation of being noticed for your niceness and be rewarded for it by free dinners? Totally wrong way. You sound sooooo unhappy about paying for his kids when they didn't finish up the food or sit thru the whole movie. Shows what you truly feel about them. You should always volunteer to pay 50% of whatever expenses are made on a date. And if you cannot then he should not be expected to either. And what gifts you bought should be kept outside of these expenses. Because the guy did not ask you to buy a mirror for $250. You spent it..!! Why should he be liable now to make it up to you in dinners for that? Ridiculous! Bottomline is you don't like his kids or him. So end it. They deserve better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 How can he rush the relationship without you being an equal participant? And what exactly is the issue here? So you are doing nice things not because you want to but with an expectation of being noticed for your niceness and be rewarded for it by free dinners? Totally wrong way. You sound sooooo unhappy about paying for his kids when they didn't finish up the food or sit thru the whole movie. Shows what you truly feel about them. You should always volunteer to pay 50% of whatever expenses are made on a date. And if you cannot then he should not be expected to either. And what gifts you bought should be kept outside of these expenses. Because the guy did not ask you to buy a mirror for $250. You spent it..!! Why should he be liable now to make it up to you in dinners for that? Ridiculous! Bottomline is you don't like his kids or him. So end it. They deserve better. Yes, it takes two to tango and here we are in a relationship that evolved too quickly. fixable. And to me, the giving never justifies the taking. Not a lot of people can say that. I guess if I had a lot of money to burn, none of the wastefulness or spending on dinners would be an issue. His children are just that, children. As you may know, children test boundaries alot and need to be nurtured. My observations are merely that, observations. Doesn't mean I hate them. I was brought up differently, that's all. I just don't think it is sustainable to constantly spend money on ourselves, restaurants or his kids when neither of us is well off. So I would hope I am the voice of reason in this relationship or at least someone who is heard and considered. Time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Just curious: Has your bf bought you gifts? Anything comparable in cost to the mirror? Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 Just curious: Has your bf bought you gifts? Anything comparable in cost to the mirror? On Valentine's Day he took me to a nice restaurant, bought me a necklace, a dozen roses and a teddy bear. I'm really not scorekeeping the relationship, but just think it's time to chill on all the spending both ways. It's just not sustainable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 OMG in two months? Edit: sorry I haven't really read through this. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 He has joint custody, one week on, one week off. His ex does not work, but I do. So now we know where all his money goes. He may make twice as much as you, but he's supporting his ex-wife and kids 100%. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Yeah, he's moving too fast. Don't know why. Easily fixable. You can just put the brakes on, stop spending time with the kids. You really don't even have to tell him unless he outright asks. Just do it. Make it slow down so you have time to get to know the real person. Most people put up a facade this early into the relationship. So it always takes time to see the other side. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 On Valentine's Day he took me to a nice restaurant, bought me a necklace, a dozen roses and a teddy bear. I'm really not scorekeeping the relationship, but just think it's time to chill on all the spending both ways. It's just not sustainable. Not just the spending (I agree about curtailing spending), but this whole thing with the kids is just insane. You don't even know if you like the guy yet, and here you are cultivating a relationship with young kids and taking them out for one-on-one time at two months? Does that not give you the heebie-jeebies or make the hair on the back of your neck stand up? He giving you jewelry for V-Day, and at that point it must've only been three weeks in, expensive gifts both ways, you spending money on his kids... and the thread title is "paying the bill at a restaurant?" Doesn't all of this––or any of this––trigger an intuitive sense of impropriety? The problem is that neither of you have well developed boundaries. I've never met anyone's kids at less than six months, usually more like nine. I've never tried to foster a relationship with anyone's kids, never bought presents or spent alone time with them. Why? Because I'm not dating the kids, or trying out for step-daddy, or whatever. I date the adult, one person (their family matters are not part of the equation at two months). If I were you I'd be more concerned about boundary issues than who paid that restaurant check... and it's not a one-way thing either. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts