Does this text sound like it’s over for good?

[stillafool]

No he doesn't.

[Zahara]

It would be best to focus on your own behaviors and why you tolerated poor treatment. It's easier to point the finger instead of pointing it inward. Does it matter if he was abusive or not -- why did you accept and tolerate it? Important questions to ask that help focus on your dysfunction/issues. Trying to figure him out only keeps you avoiding from focusing on yourself and the changes you need to make.

[Riot21]

No he doesn't.

 

Does he just seem immature?

[CantTakeMySmile]

Does he just seem immature?

 

 

The while situation appears immature. I can't pass judgement if it is, but it does appear so.

 

 

Does hearing that it is immature, or that he is mean, or abusive, make things easier for you to accept?

[stillafool]

Does he just seem immature?

 

I don't know. How old is he?

[GemmaUK]

Ah! Thanks Mods for mergiing!

 

No, he wasn't abusive.

Just a liar and a cheat who wasn't very into you.

[Riot21]

Ah! Thanks Mods for mergiing!

 

No, he wasn't abusive.

Just a liar and a cheat who wasn't very into you.

 

Really? Him telling me I was crazy when I presented him with evidence of what I said wasn’t abusive? Or he completely denying something he said the week before until presented with proof he said something then calling me crazy for calling him out and showing him that he was a liar? And then he telling me I’m crazy and have such a memory that can remember every stupid little detail then when I tell him he didn’t put effort into our relationship ship he calls me ****ing delusional?

[Riot21]

The while situation appears immature. I can't pass judgement if it is, but it does appear so.

 

 

Does hearing that it is immature, or that he is mean, or abusive, make things easier for you to accept?

 

No. It helps me realize I’m not a piece of **** person he made me think I was when I simply was standing up for what I believed was right and he wore down my sense of security and my trust for my own feelings so he could say whatever the **** he wanted to me then would lie to me and manipulate me into thinking he didn’t say that.

[stillafool]

Really? Him telling me I was crazy when I presented him with evidence of what I said wasn’t abusive? Or he completely denying something he said the week before until presented with proof he said something then calling me crazy for calling him out and showing him that he was a liar? And then he telling me I’m crazy and have such a memory that can remember every stupid little detail then when I tell him he didn’t put effort into our relationship ship he calls me ****ing delusional?

 

No, he doesn't sound abusive. This just sounds like an argument to me. What difference does it make now that he's gone. Just worry about your issues because you can't change him or his mind.

[stillafool]

No. It helps me realize I’m not a piece of **** person he made me think I was when I simply was standing up for what I believed was right and he wore down my sense of security and my trust for my own feelings so he could say whatever the **** he wanted to me then would lie to me and manipulate me into thinking he didn’t say that.

 

We are all responsible for our own self preservation. If you allow someone to make you feel that way it isn't his fault but yours. Even after all you mention above and beyond you still wanted him so who's fault is it when you want to go back for more instead of celebrating that you were strong enough to walk away and wish him well with his new love.

[Riot21]

We are all responsible for our own self preservation. If you allow someone to make you feel that way it isn't his fault but yours. Even after all you mention above and beyond you still wanted him so who's fault is it when you want to go back for more instead of celebrating that you were strong enough to walk away and wish him well with his new love.

 

What? I’m weak and ruined the relationship single handedly. If I was more obedient and followed what he said more then I would be a better person and would date him. I guess I made everything up about him gaslighting me. I was the wrong person. I ****ed everything up and now he is with a hotter and sexier version of someone who worships him even though he talked TRASH about her and TRASHED her to me at first. Andfor many months after until one day he woke up and realized she was the greatest thing ever, they need to be married, that I should **** off, and that he ****ing hates me and says she is absolutely the best thing he has ever met after literally ripping her personality to shreds for months.

Edited June 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what is it you want people to tell you here?

 

Let's assume for the sake of argument that he was abusive. Where does that get you?

[Riot21]

OP, what is it you want people to tell you here?

 

Let's assume for the sake of argument that he was abusive. Where does that get you?

 

So I don’t feel like a piece of **** who missed out on the best thing ever because I suck ad a human?

[stillafool]

What? I’m weak and ruined the relationship single handedly. If I was more obedient and followed what he said more then I would be a better person and would date him. I guess I made everything up about him gaslighting me. I was the wrong person. I ****ed everything up and now he is with a hotter and sexier version of someone who worships him even though he talked TRASH about her and TRASHED her to me at first. Andfor many months after until one day he woke up and realized she was the greatest thing ever, they need to be married, that I should **** off, and that he ****ing hates me and says she is absolutely the best thing he has ever met after literally ripping her personality to shreds for months.

 

I think you're being a bit over dramatic. Nothing in my post suggested such a thing. If you feel like he abused you then go with it. Whatever you have to do to help you get over this guy and get yourself esteem back on track.

Edited June 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Riot21]

I think you're being a bit over dramatic. Nothing in my post suggested such a thing. If you feel like he abused you then go with it. Whatever you have to do to help you get over this guy and get yourself esteem back on track.

 

I mean honestly that’s what it seems like. Him lying to me, making me think everything was my fault, and refusing to take responsibility for anything was just my fault. Him talking **** to everyone and breaking into my house to go through my **** and he lying and cheating and blaming me for it and uninviting me to his graduation and then stalking me after when he wanted me back doesn’t sound really really ****ed up?

[Zahara]

I mean honestly that’s what it seems like. Him lying to me, making me think everything was my fault, and refusing to take responsibility for anything was just my fault. Him talking **** to everyone and breaking into my house to go through my **** and he lying and cheating and blaming me for it and uninviting me to his graduation and then stalking me after when he wanted me back doesn’t sound really really ****ed up?

 

It's all really, really f'd up. The issue here is that if he never picked this woman, you'd still be there with him. Him being a narcissist or an abuser would not matter. You were holding on only weeks ago in denial and believing he now wanted you when he came sniffing around, regardless of how poorly he treated you previously. With that said -- this isn't about him anymore. The man has cheated on you, lied to you, invaded your privacy, avoided you, ignored you, etc. and yet you were still chasing him.

 

Now that he is with someone else, you're trying to focus on what was wrong with him when the issue here is -- what about YOU chose to stay and want to be with someone like him?

 

You can call him every name in the book -- you still chose to be with him so what does that say about you? This is what you need to be focusing on so that you can learn and grow from this horrible experience.

 

He can be a narcissist, an abuser, etc. -- defining him isn't going to change what you are going through or make it better. The only way you're going to get there is by looking inward and fixing YOU.

Edited June 14, 2018 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

So I don’t feel like a piece of **** who missed out on the best thing ever because I suck ad a human?

 

Why does it have to be that he either he is abusive or you suck at being human? You’re operating on extremes, which is unnecessarily dramatic.

[Riot21]

Why does it have to be that he either he is abusive or you suck at being human? You’re operating on extremes, which is unnecessarily dramatic.

 

Because I allowed myself to think I suck as a human because I feel I was abused and used and gaslighted and used just for attention. I feel incredibly worthless. That I have so much of myself to someone who could care less about me.

[Riot21]

It's all really, really f'd up. The issue here is that if he never picked this woman, you'd still be there with him. Him being a narcissist or an abuser would not matter. You were holding on only weeks ago in denial and believing he now wanted you when he came sniffing around, regardless of how poorly he treated you previously. With that said -- this isn't about him anymore. The man has cheated on you, lied to you, invaded your privacy, avoided you, ignored you, etc. and yet you were still chasing him.

 

Now that he is with someone else, you're trying to focus on what was wrong with him when the issue here is -- what about YOU chose to stay and want to be with someone like him?

 

You can call him every name in the book -- you still chose to be with him so what does that say about you? This is what you need to be focusing on so that you can learn and grow from this horrible experience.

 

He can be a narcissist, an abuser, etc. -- defining him isn't going to change what you are going through or make it better. The only way you're going to get there is by looking inward and fixing YOU.

 

I feel it is my fault I was treated this way. If I was a better person. If I were happier all the time, less depressed and anxious, more open then I wouldn’t have been treated like this.

 

Yet he helps this new girl deal with her emotional and psych issues and embraces it while it is looked down upon when I have those same traits. Why am I treated like **** and she is treated so well?

[stillafool]

Because I allowed myself to think I suck as a human because I feel I was abused and used and gaslighted and used just for attention. I feel incredibly worthless. That I have so much of myself to someone who could care less about me.

 

That's right. You allowed this to happen to yourself by not walking away when you first thought he was abusing you. When you start looking at what you could have done to protect yourself (who is the only person you can control) you will do better next time and start to heal.

[Riot21]

That's right. You allowed this to happen to yourself by not walking away when you first thought he was abusing you. When you start looking at what you could have done to protect yourself (who is the only person you can control) you will do better next time and start to heal.

 

I didn’t even really know I was mistreated because I was always made to be the onstigatorand the annoying one who started problems when I voiced concern over my partner not doing things I thought he should. I always thought if I were a better person he would treat me better and that I wasn’t the best version of me and that he was better than me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I didn’t even really know I was mistreated because I was always made to be the onstigatorand the annoying one who started problems when I voiced concern over my partner not doing things I thought he should. I always thought if I were a better person he would treat me better and that I wasn’t the best version of me and that he was better than me.

 

 

 

Whatever the reasons, fault or blame is irrelevant now. It is what is is.. NOW. not a month ago, not a week ago, not a day ago...

 

 

If he made you feel insecure, then you Allowed him to make you feel that way. No one can MAKE you feel anything. HE may have been a horrible person, but that is no reflection on you.

 

 

My question is if he did all these horrific things, why do you feel like you lost the best thing to happen to you?

[Zahara]

I feel it is my fault I was treated this way. If I was a better person. If I were happier all the time, less depressed and anxious, more open then I wouldn’t have been treated like this.

 

It was your fault that you ALLOWED yourself to be treated this way. If you were in a healthier mindset and with self-esteem, you wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place, you wouldn't have chosen to date or at least drag yourself this far with a completely toxic man.

 

You could have been a star and he would have still treated you that way because that is how he is conditioned -- a cheater, liar, etc. doesn't suddenly become a prince because he's dating a "perfect" woman. You're under the impression that if you were somehow better, he would have treated you differently. Maybe that is why you chose to cling to him because you hoped he would one day see you differently.

 

Yet he helps this new girl deal with her emotional and psych issues and embraces it while it is looked down upon when I have those same traits. Why am I treated like **** and she is treated so well?

 

She is likely going to be treated poorly as well.

 

He's not a prize. You need to start understanding that instead of desperately hoping this idiot will validate you.

[Riot21]

It was your fault that you ALLOWED yourself to be treated this way. If you were in a healthier mindset and with self-esteem, you wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place, you wouldn't have chosen to date or at least drag yourself this far with a completely toxic man.

 

You could have been a star and he would have still treated you that way because that is how he is conditioned -- a cheater, liar, etc. doesn't suddenly become a prince because he's dating a "perfect" woman. You're under the impression that if you were somehow better, he would have treated you differently. Maybe that is why you chose to cling to him because you hoped he would one day see you differently.

 

 

 

She is likely going to be treated poorly as well.

 

He's not a prize. You need to start understanding that instead of desperately hoping this idiot will validate you.

 

 

That is so true. I just wanted him to see me different and treat me the way I want to be treated

[Zahara]

That is so true. I just wanted him to see me different and treat me the way I want to be treated

 

But he didn't, Riot. How long were you going to wait for that to happen? He kept treating you badly and when people show you who they are, believe them.

 

People don't treat you badly because there is something wrong with you, they treat you badly because there is something wrong with them. You can't change that about people except to accept who they are -- and they'll likely keep repeating their behaviors with every person that crosses their path.

 

And when you show people that you lack self-respect, men like him will continue to walk all over you. They're not going to respect you just because you are exceptionally nice -- guys like him will only take advantage of it because exceptionally nice translates as doormat.

 

When you get involved with someone and there are red flags all over, get out. Don't sit back and hope for change. It rarely ever happens. Don't think that just because you're so nice, that he'll suddenly value you and be your prince. Just leave. But that can only happen if you have strong boundaries and that also comes with having a good sense of self-worth. You need to work on that.