normal person Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 my parents will always want to know the details about my relationship and my girlfriend will always want to know what my parents think... do I lie to both? Why do you feel obligated to tell your parents about the granular details of your relationship? can I get intellectual satisfaction some other way from her? No partner will ever be perfect. People aren't likely to change much once they're set in their ways in adulthood (I think). I wouldn't hold my breath, but you never know. If you would prefer she reads more or something, you need to tell her. She can decide if your request is something she wants to consider obliging or not. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Agree that the girlfriend should either let it go (fact that OP cheated) or leave. But that is her issue and you can’t make her. All you could do was try to win back her trust but it might not be possible. You can’t really change her either if she is not “intellectually stimulating” to you. It really sounds like you’re leaning towards a “no” on this relationship. What are the positives to the relationship that are keeping you in it ? I think that is what it comes down to, do you want a future with her, and can these issues be overcome? Forget the parental drama for a moment and what outcome do you want from this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Agree that the girlfriend should either let it go (fact that OP cheated) or leave. But that is her issue and you can’t make her. All you could do was try to win back her trust but it might not be possible. You can’t really change her either if she is not “intellectually stimulating” to you. It really sounds like you’re leaning towards a “no” on this relationship. What are the positives to the relationship that are keeping you in it ? I think that is what it comes down to, do you want a future with her, and can these issues be overcome? Forget the parental drama for a moment and what outcome do you want from this? I want a mutually supportive relationship in which both of us are successful. The act of sharing daily life (chatting, supporting each other, sharing life duties, doing things around the house) has gone flawlessly. Our moments dancing together and taking trips together has been superb. That’s why I hesitate to throw it all away. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I want a mutually supportive relationship in which both of us are successful. The act of sharing daily life (chatting, supporting each other, sharing life duties, doing things around the house) has gone flawlessly. Our moments dancing together and taking trips together has been superb. That’s why I hesitate to throw it all away. It seems the bad does out weigh the good yet you're focused on the fun trips and dancing etc. A relationship like yours (from what you've said) is going to be very draining and difficult as time goes on. She has major control issues that WILL eventually do damage and ruin what you feel for her. Look at each red flag and negative thing carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I want a mutually supportive relationship in which both of us are successful. The act of sharing daily life (chatting, supporting each other, sharing life duties, doing things around the house) has gone flawlessly. Our moments dancing together and taking trips together has been superb. That’s why I hesitate to throw it all away. Most your life together will not be spent dancing and traveling. I also don't know many non-Asian women that will put up with the ways of Asian in-laws. As an Asian man you will never take your wife's side or stand up to your parents. She would be looking at a life time being degraded by them. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I also don't know many non-Asian women that will put up with the ways of Asian in-laws. As an Asian man you will never take your wife's side or stand up to your parents. She would be looking at a life time being degraded by them. Massive generalisation, but seems likely in this case unless OP decides otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Massive generalisation, but seems likely in this case unless OP decides otherwise. I have been working with Asian women years, all of them are going through hell with their in-laws and they have all confirmed it's the norm in their culture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 I have been working with Asian women years, all of them are going through hell with their in-laws and they have all confirmed it's the norm in their culture. Even if the woman and man were both Asian the lady was still going through hell? Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I have been working with Asian women years, all of them are going through hell with their in-laws and they have all confirmed it's the norm in their culture. My in law is an Asian woman and we all get along amazingly. There are norms but Asia is hugeeeee and diverse so I don’t see how you can apply these generalisations in this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I read from another thread of yours that you only date Caucasian women. But the way your parents like to interfere with your relationship with your girlfriend (and you go along with it) perhaps tells you you might be a better match to a very traditional Chinese woman. Truth be told, I’m not sure if you can easily find an educated and financially independent woman here who would be fine with your overbearing parents, traditional or not. So it’s ironic how you criticized your gf for not being intellectually stimilating enough. Were your parents as critical about your past gfs? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 My in law is an Asian woman and we all get along amazingly. There are norms but Asia is hugeeeee and diverse so I don’t see how you can apply these generalisations in this way. OP has confirmed his parents are overbearing what else do you need to confirm they fall in the category of overbearing? Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Truth be told, I’m not sure if you can easily find an educated and financially independent woman here who would be fine with your overbearing parents, traditional or not. So it’s ironic how you criticized your gf for not being intellectually stimilating enough. Were your parents as critical about your past gfs? I agree with this. A woman who is educated (intellectually stimulating) and independent would have told you and your other half (the parents) to pound sand months ago. Pick one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 OP has confirmed his parents are overbearing what else do you need to confirm they fall in the category of overbearing? Where have I questioned that? I’m stating that Asians are not “all the same”. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Even if the woman and man were both Asian the lady was still going through hell? Yes but Asian women know this is cultural and are raised to not rock the boat. My assistant is an amazing woman, wife and mother. Each year when her in-laws are visiting for 6 months she comes into work crying. They degrade her constantly, tell her she's a bad mother, a bad wife. Her in-law will cook each day for their son but not for her or the kids. My assistant broker her leg when her daughter was only 7 months and was expected to keep on cleaning the house and cook. The husband will not say 1 word to his parents. Other Asian women working here console her and tell her to be patient. I am horrified of course as a Canadian woman but they all tell me it's normal in their culture. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 All Asians do not put up with this crap. This is extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Where have I questioned that? I’m stating that Asians are not “all the same”. No they are not all the same BUT you cannot deny this exist amount them especially those identifying themselves as traditional. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 All Asians do not put up with this crap. This is extreme. No, the second generation will not put up with that and the 3rd one even less but the first generation of immigrant are the one battling tradition with their parents. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 All Asians do not put up with this crap. This is extreme. But OP does. He's the one this concerns. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 **I have been put into a horrible situation as of last week. I brought her to my parents to chit chat about having a future relationship. I tried to prepare both parties but my parents let out a tidal wave of criticisms. They said she has scoliosis, that she is too weak to be a mother, that she will have joint issues, that she will become unhealthy, that she is too narrowminded, that she is someone who won't have a great job in the future. I deep down have tried to find a peaceful solution but my girlfriend is deadset on the fact that my parents will never think she is worthy**. * * * My bedrock principles are that I can't tolerate narrow-mindedness, and I can't take the solution that her parents took, which was abandon the grandparents and strike out on their own - with their love for each other as a building block. Despite efforts to negotiate she won't involve a relationship counselor because in her view, she is innocent of wrongdoing. She seems a bit over the top with her expecting you to remember every detail of her schedule. You are about to be a cardiologist. I have yet to meet a new doctor who could think about anything except the patients. Even some long time practitioners rely on their non -medical spouses to run the schedule for every other aspect of their lives so they don't clutter up their brain with trivial details. As for your parents -- OMG! I don't know if it is cultural or not but from my perspective the situation is unworkable. You say you can't tolerate narrow-mindedness but from where I sit the second your parents started spouting all that hate & judgment about your GF & you failed to champion her to them, not only did you tolerate narrow-mindedness but you utterly failed to prevent it from happening again. If the parents of some guy I was dating said such horrible, judgmental things about me & he wasn't all over them defending me, that relationship would be over before the parents stopped talking. Your GF is right. Your parents will never accept her & you will always side with them so unless you start exhibiting some real leadership & independence, she continues with you at her own peril because eventually I see you succumbing to their wishes & breaking her heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I agree that you can't paint the entire culture with a broad brush, but the OP has been crystal clear that his parents are "those" parents. I'm glad that not everyone has had to deal with this level of animosity by family and cultural norms. Stating "not everyone is like that" is not constructive to the OP's personal plight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 My in law is an Asian woman and we all get along amazingly. There are norms but Asia is hugeeeee and diverse so I don’t see how you can apply these generalisations in this way. I don't want to monopolize this thread but the difference is also you are dating the daughter of an Asian woman. The rules are different for daughters and sons. Ask your mother in law to tell you more about traditional families and what is expected of their son and how daughter-in-law are treated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I agree that you can't paint the entire culture with a broad brush, but the OP has been crystal clear that his parents are "those" parents. I'm glad that not everyone has had to deal with this level of animosity by family and cultural norms. Stating "not everyone is like that" is not constructive to the OP's personal plight. Also those of us that are seeing it through a westernized perspective see it as meddling and animosity filtered through our norms. Having spent some time in Asia (but by no means an expert), I think when they say something that Westerners think as critical and criticizing they aren't necessarily doing it for "bad" reasons. They are doing it to "help" out and better you. Maybe someone who has truly lived this Asian or Chinese culture could expand on that. Or even better, since it mirrors the OP's situation, someone who has straddled having parents from the Asian culture and being 1st generation in a Western one. That can be tough no matter what the specific background is. Anyway, not saying the OP won't have issues because it's human nature to want your independence in lots of ways, even if you understand the cultural conditioning behind it or are a product of it. Truth be told, I 100% believe if we remove the parents issue and the cultural norms issue, that his relationship with his gf won't survive or it won't happily. I think as someone said above, maybe the first place to start is to assess it on those merits. OP, you kind of need to decide between level of freedom and the gf, right? I mean you want a certain autonomy that this gf does not allow you--i go back to my first post of this thread that you are trading one devil for another. and the devils are fighting. I almost think they want a piece of this soon to be doctor--all of them. I do deep down think your parents would lay off a bit if you picked a Chinese (or maybe chinese-american) gf. That said, one issue at a time. Deal with if you want to continue with the gf first. *ps maybe one reason you have a hard time defending your gf to your parents is because some of the stuff she does is indefensible and unreasonable. Plus you are a grown man, there is some level of common sense where you just shouldn't involve them in your more private business about her since that will bias them against her (looking out for your well-being)--this happens across all cultures. You can't unring a bell. Plus maybe unconsciously you play them off each other. When she is bothering you, you run to them for comfort. You're going to need to have a stronger backbone than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garcon1986 Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 one day she asked me why my parents want her in my life. I responded with many things, including her motivation to get a satisfying career, her kindness to others, and their seeking a supportive wife. She got upset about the supportive wife part, and said that although we support one another, she isn't in this to be my maid. What sort of glimpse of the future does this foretell? Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 one day she asked me why my parents want her in my life. I responded with many things, including her motivation to get a satisfying career, her kindness to others, and their seeking a supportive wife. She got upset about the supportive wife part, and said that although we support one another, she isn't in this to be my maid. What sort of glimpse of the future does this foretell? Sorry, she just sounds super difficult and controlling. Assuming this was BEFORE she heard all the bad things, those are normal responses from parents. And she is nitpicking on the word supportive. That doesn't equate to maid unless she has some biases of her own that she is inserting into the picture. Also she can't slack off intellectually and career-wise herself if she wants to keep a truer balance in terms of career respect. Like i said, future is bleak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 (edited) I agree that you can't paint the entire culture with a broad brush, but the OP has been crystal clear that his parents are "those" parents. I'm glad that not everyone has had to deal with this level of animosity by family and cultural norms. Stating "not everyone is like that" is not constructive to the OP's personal plight. I have acknowledged all of that, and provided what is hopefully some useful questions to guide OP and food for thoUgh on how to proceed. I think it is something he has to come to on his own, I am not going to tell him what to choose. But find the generalisations quite ignorant and am calling them out for the sake of others who use these boards. Edited February 24, 2018 by smiley1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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