Preparing in Advance for the Inevitable

[kscholze]

I didnt respond, but I want to. I dont want her to think I am ignoring her.

 

She still loves me and said she wants to be with me, but needs more time.

 

She broke up with me though and then got basck with her ex. (dont know if they are still together)

 

I am over it one day then back here the next very up and down.

[megabit15]

of course we know we broke NC. For me, it made me realize A LOT! So breaking NC has actaully helped me, contrary to popular belief!

 

My response if from hard experience with this topic. I write it with a desire to help others, not out of judgement or arrogance. It pains me to see others go through this sort of thing because I've been there.

 

But I'lI start off with what some may see as a controversial opinion:

I actually agree with beth's quote. After a while and with a lot of work on our part, it makes us stronger to see or hear from someone who once had such power over us, and realize that you see right through the game. To realize that your heart has closed that door and that you are worth way more than their crumbs is incredibly empowering.

 

I think NC is good to get us over a hump, but eventually we must be able to look the person in the eye and not crumble. We can't run and hide forever, you know? I think that is what Lee was referring to when she said that she felt good that she did not respond in her usual manner when she called her ex back. Sooner or later, we need to prove to ourselves that we ARE over it, or have at least made progress - it is totally liberating. But don't do it before you are ready. NC is a good way to get ready. NC is a transition phase, not permanent, but it requires a lot of work on our part besides avoidance of other people.

 

To me, if I need to stay away from someone forever, I'm not done with it. I consider myself 'over it' when I no longer want something that has damaged me badly - when I see it for what it is, not as I wished it would be. Wanting to stay away is quite different than needing to.

 

But by all means, stay away as long as you need to. Take action to help yourself. If you need to make a hate list, do it. Carry it with you and refer to it often for a reality check. This was very powerful tool for me. It kept me out of wishful thinking. It helped me to remember the pain of being with the other person.

 

I asked myself some hard questions: What am I getting out of holding onto this? Do I really want to feel this way over and over? Am I actually taking pleasure in my pain? What void does this obsession fill in my life? What am I avoiding doing to make myself happy? Why am I letting myself play victim? Is my life so empty that I need this drama to have something to talk about or someone else to show me they care? Do I even want to be happy? How long have I actually been in this situation? Has it been so long I forgot what it is to be happy? Do I doubt that I can be happy by myself and thinking that someone or something else is going to provide happiness for me? What does true happiness look like anyway? Peace? Fulfilment? Joy? Laughter? A sense of being comfortable in my own skin? Being able to look myself in the eye and like what I see? OR - Repeated obsession, shaking, crying and anger? When is the last time I actually felt happy about ME while being with this person anyway? How is holding onto this person going to help me find real love? What is real love? Isn't it mutual? Doesn't it involve mutual respect, admiration and honesty? Does this relationship offer me that? Am I so stupid to think that I am unlovable or that this is the only kind of love I deserve? Why do I insist that this relationship is love when I am clearly miserable? How do I know that there isn't real love out there for me? As long as I hold on to this crappy relationship, am I not preventing myself from finding it? What if I don't ever find it? Does love HAVE to come as romantic love? Sure I want romantic love that is mutual, but have I convinced myself I can't be happy without it? Why have I placed such conditions on my happiness? This is the type of work that NC entailed for me. I figure, cripes, if I'm gonna obsess, make it beneficial, right?

 

One day you will realize that you have held yourself hostage and prisoner long enough and you will have to be free of it. If you do the work, you will be able to run into your ex and not panic or be afraid. It was only when I faced and accepted the damage I was doing to myself by continuing to avoid unpleasant realities about myself, my life, my motives, and my own actions that lasting change was possible. Totally an inside job, painful, didn't happen without effort, but was totally worth it.

 

I hope I have not offended anyone - it's just my experience.

[smile95]

megabit15-thanks for a great post. It gave me a lot of ideas to consider while making my list. The questions you metioned to ask yourself really made me think.....Thanks

[megabit15]

You're welcome Beth. Glad it helped.

 

I hope you don't mind if I make a few suggestions on the 'hate list':

Make the list as honest and complete as you can. Don't be afraid to be very critical. List every deplorable thing, lie, excuse, double standard, double talk, lack of follow through and bulls*** line he's ever given you. Be ruthless. List every example you can remember. Get it ALL out on paper. Let yourself get worked up and angry and keep writing. Do not write excuses for his behavior.

 

Refer to the list many times a day - when you wake up, during lunch, when you get home from work and before you go to bed. Do it even if you don't feel you need to. Add to the list when you remember more. Do this every day for 3 months.

 

After that, decide if you want more of the same stuff. If you do, then by all means, go find him!

[smile95]

So then the list can be things he did and things he did not do? I am just afraid focusing on this will make me think of him all the time. But, I guess it will not be thinking in a good way.......I am not sure if he will contact me again, but THIS TIME I am going to be prepared on what I will do. I never expecred a call and was caught off guard and failed. I do not want to be rude and not reply to him, but really, look what he has done to ,me!

thanks again

[bendit]

Beth, until you CAN BE RUDE and not reply to him

you will never ever be able to go NC with him or anyone, and thus

never be able to HEAL YOURSELF and ween from this addiction.

After all the crap you have accepted from him it is YOU who

can't be rude. This is a point for your further self analysis.

 

regards

 

mike

[NewLee40]

Mega, thanks for your insightful post. Yes, you hit on what I was referring to when I said it was good that I called and could see that the usual patterns were finally coming unraveled.

 

Right now, I'm really in the "needing" stage of NC. I need to stay away, and it is slowly transitioning into "wanting" to stay away, but its not really the true "wanting" stage you refer to. Even though I do believe I've crossed the threshold of having any delusions that he ever really loved me or that we could possibly have a future together. The pain is still too fresh, and I'm not "over it" yet. While I was able to have one "empowering" conversation, I also know that if I allowed him into my life on a regular basis, that I would either 1. Have salt rubbed in an open wound when he moved on with someone else, or 2. Risk sliding back into trying to make it work with him when either he or I were feeling the desire for the familiar comfort we did share together in the better times.

 

Being somewhere between needing to stay away and wanting to stay away, may be the hardest part of NC. You feel a bit stronger, you are coming to feel like you really don't want this person after all, and THEY sense this and if they are in your life, they will not be so willing to let you pull completely away.

 

We really need to examine our objectives, I think, regarding NC. I don't think its a black and white deal. A lot depends on the people involved and the type of relationship they had. Some people we need to never contact again because they are so screwed up in the head that they can only bring misery to your life even as a friend. And some people we might be able to have casual contact with in time and not feel our heart breaking every time we see them or hear their voice - but that will probably take a while. The bottom line is that you must accept that the "relationship" is dead. I don't mean just the "love" part, but the entire relationship. You cannot have any relationship (friends or otherwise) with such a person. While you may not be willing to spit on them if you met them on the street, you also do not need to feel obligated to respond to their every summons. After all, he sure didn't feel the need to respond to yours. Relationships imply a bi-directional exchange between two people. There is no relationship here and there doesn't need to be. Grieve the end of the relationship and move forward.

 

Clearly, Beth and I have similar situations, and similar patterns. Actually, Beth, I think your ex is much worse than mine, but nevertheless, the outcome of our last contact was very different. It was hard on me, but the timing may have been right. It hurt, but it didn't send me spiraling into hope that he really did love me or that he wants me back. Part of that may also be because he didn't say he loved me or wanted me back, and I'm done trying to reason why he does what he does. Beth, honey, you are still trying to reason why and this is holding you back.

 

The "why" you are looking for is that he really does love you and that he can't stay away from you. The real reason why is probably along the lines that it boosts his fragile ego to know you are still there, still pining for him.

 

The better question is "why" do you keep hoping that you'll hang onto him some how. And, you've answered that question. It may not be much, but its all you got. You are afraid you'll never love again and that you'll be alone. That is why you hang on to a guy that is an utter jerk in your eyes and in the eyes of everyone who knows him. That is why, even though you know that life with him - if you got what you wanted - would still be miserable, you are willing to accept it.

 

Honey...I'm afraid I'll never love again, too. In fact, right about now, I'm almost sure of it. And its not because of the pain I'm feeling or that I could NEVER love another. I know I can. And, not to sound vain, I have so much to offer the right guy. But, I'm 40 years old, and the odds aren't with me. Not only are the odds not with me, I've swam mightily in this 40 something dating pool and for the most part it is filled with sharks, snakes, and bottom feeders. Hell, even the odds of successful marriage at any age are only about 50/50. I can hope, pray, and stay open for it, but if I pin my hopes on it, I may as well be not planning for retirement because I think someday I'm going to hit the lottery.

 

I'm going to share with you a poem that has always been comforting to me when I've been heartbroken. I hope it will help you, too.

 

After A While

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

 

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn

[smile95]

I am having a bad day s far. I think it is FINALLY setting in that it is over. Before, I had hope and now I see that it HAS to be over for ME. I am deciding. I keep saying I want to break the pattern and each time he calls, I do the opposite! I want to break the cycle but at the same time, I know that this is over. I really never felt tht til now and it is sad. It may be better that I feel it is over. Maybe that way I will not feel in limbo anymore. I do not think he will call again though really. I know it is in his pattern, but I just do not think he will. Which is good for me. I am keeping busy today and will make my list today, but it is an odd feeling I have of loss. Never felt this since I always knew we would get back. SO this is a good thing I guess to have and ending point.

[NewLee40]

Beth, you are getting there. I'm here to tell you, that one of those stages of grief is depression and you need to be prepared for some dark times as you move through this. Those dark times are what trips us up and we would do ANYTHING to stop the pain.

 

Just hang on....you will be ok. Just hang on.

 

And since I"m in a poetic mood today, I will share some lyrics to a song that I've been listening to that has helped me keep some perspective.... Maybe you can identify with this too.

 

 

"Addicted"

Kelly Clarkson

 

It's like you're a drug

It's like you're a demon I can't face down

It's like I'm stuck

It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power

It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech

Sucking the life from me

It's like I can't breathe

Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power

And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

 

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

 

It's like I'm lost

It's like I'm giving up slowly

It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me

Leave me alone

And I know these voices in my head

Are mine alone

And I know I'll never change my ways

If I don't give you up now

 

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

 

I'm hooked on you

I need a fix

I can't take it

Just one more hit

I promise I can deal with it

I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more time

Then that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

I'm hooked on you

I need a fix

I can't take it

Just one more hit

I promise I can deal with it

I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more time

Then that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

 

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

[smile95]

New Lee-yep that song sums it up for me! I am not sure what happens, but I get in my head that I WANT him to call to make me feel better and tell me he loves me, but the smart part of me knows that he will never change. ever. I will be bak to being miserable with him. Always waiting and wondering and never happy. I do want out of this place i am in.

 

Has your ex called since you talked?

 

I guess I am hurt. I finally see that even tho he "said" he loves me and misses me last week, his actions afterwards proved to me that they were just words. That stings a little. To know that he does not want me in his life anymore and I am a game to him. Maybe he loves me in a messed up way, but it is not the way I want for my life.

 

Sorry I think I just rambled. If people can be happy and married and survive a divorce after yrs together, I know I can do this! I have to!

[NewLee40]

No, Beth, he hasn't called. If he calls again, I imagine he'll give it a month or so before trying again. Something will prompt it and I may never know the true reason behind the call. Perhaps some chick rejecting him, or some crisis he's facing alone and needing support for, or maybe just a weekend alone with no dates and feeling horny. Who knows why he'll call, but he will. Its up to me not to torture myself with the question of "why" but realize that no good end will come of it regardless of the reason.

 

There's another song, (I'll warn you ahead of time, as you are no doubt starting to see, I'm the reputed "lyrics queen" on another forum I frequent) that sums it up well..

 

It's hard to

Tell him, "No" when I want him so bad

But I've got to be true to my heart

This time

 

It won't be easy to say no the first time, but you will get stronger and there will come a point that you realize you have to be true to your heart and you will do it. Won't promise that it will feel good, but sometimes life is like that...often the best decisions we make are the hardest ones to make.

 

This is what you want, right? Someone to stand beside you?

 

Stand Beside Me (sung by Jo Dee Messina)

(Stephen Allen Davis)

 

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder

He said he had to find himself out on the road

I guess when love goes wrong

You've gotta learn to be strong

 

So I worked two jobs

And I moved three times

I ended up south of Memphis, workin' down in Riverside

I may not be so lucky in love

But the one thing I'm sure of

 

I want a man that stands beside me

Not in front of or behind me

Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me

And I'll give all the love in my heart

Stand beside me

Be true, don't tell lies to me

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy

I want a man that who stands beside me

 

I didn't expect to see him, one hot July morning

His hair was longer but his eyes were the same old blue

He said, "I've missed you for so long. Oh baby, what can I do?"

I said, "I want a man that stands beside me

Not in front of or behind me

Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me

And I'll give all the love in my heart."

 

It's hard to

Tell him, "No" when I want him so bad

But I've got to be true to my heart

This time

 

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy

I want a man who stands beside me

I want a man

Who stands beside me

 

Stand beside me........

Stand beside me........

[smile95]

New Lee.....

 

I am sitting here knowing I have to create the new list of his bad points and why I do not want him, but I have no motivation...almost like I do not evenwant to waste the time to do it.

 

I know you may disagree, but I truly feel he will not call me anymore. I just feel it. If he were planning on calling again, he would not have ignored me when I tried to text him. It just feels different. Maybe on my end? But, I do not think he will call again. Aftr he did not respond to me, I text him that I know I am a game to him. Stop hurting me and do not contact me anymore.

 

How did I get inthis place? I am so lost at this point. How sad it is to see that he was my source of happiness.

 

At the time, my 3 wks of NC seemed like it was doing no good...looking back after breaking NC to reply, I see that I was healing....slowly.

 

If he never would have called, I would still be missing him but would not feel this crappy again.

[megabit15]

So then the list can be things he did and things he did not do? I am just afraid focusing on this will make me think of him all the time. But, I guess it will not be thinking in a good way.......I am not sure if he will contact me again, but THIS TIME I am going to be prepared on what I will do. I never expecred a call and was caught off guard and failed. I do not want to be rude and not reply to him, but really, look what he has done to ,me!

thanks again

 

So then the list can be things he did and things he did not do?

Of course. In this situation, most of my problem was my refusal to see the person as who they really were, not as who he verbally claimed he was or as I insisted to myself he was. Bottom line is that he was not who I wanted him to be and only when I saw and accepted this, was I able to move on. I HAD to make the list. It was MY thinking that had to change.

 

Now? I no longer evaluate people by what they say, I evaluate by whether what they do matches what they say.

 

am just afraid focusing on this will make me think of him all the time

For a little while yes, but you are already doing this anyway, aren't you? You spend a lot of time thinking 'if only he would just call me' or 'if only he would just ACT like he loves me, but his actions don't match his words' or 'what will I do if he calls' etc.

 

So, by focusing on the the list, now when you think of him, at least you get to see reality, not wishful thinking, lies and fantasy.

 

I am not sure if he will contact me again, but THIS TIME I am going to be prepared on what I will do. I never expecred a call and was caught off guard and failed. I do not want to be rude and not reply to him, but really, look what he has done to ,me!

 

Honestly? I HAD to come to accept that "He" was not doing anything to ME, I was doing it to myself. It was my denial of reality that was causing problem, not him or anything he did or said. What made me believe him when he clearly did not follow through?

 

Reality? The choice is always mine what anyone 'does' to me. People tell tell me who they are by thier behavior, and I tell them who I am by my behavior. I reward and reinforce behavior every time I accept and believe it. A person tells themselves and him that it is okay that he lies, and doesn't do what he says he will every time they choose to engage in contact that results in the same behavior.

 

He is not to blame. He is only doing what he would do to anyone. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else. So, why let it be you if you don't like it? The choice is completely up to you, not him.

[smile95]

megabit

 

I assume you loved this person once....right?

 

can you honestly say that you feel better w/out the drama? Are you happier alone than putting up with everything....did you feel that you were better off at the time you decided to end it? It is so hard to imagine, but even the 3 wks I did NC, I did not feel as bad as I did when I broke NC

[megabit15]

I assume you loved this person once....right?

Tough question.

Yes - at least I thought I did. Love is a ‘funny’ thing. The head and heart don't always agree. My heart said it was love, but it was always hurting and I had to look at that. I had to use my head. I had to question myself about my beliefs on love. My own definition included mutual respect, admiration, trust, good communication, etc. Then I saw that the relationship did not include these things anymore, if it ever did. (some relationships seem to start off with these things, but somewhere along the line they dissolve into dust.) I asked myself, if the relationship did not include my own definition of love, then how could I insist it was? My heart can love someone (in fact, it seems to love everyone as we all have something loveable), but unless it is balanced with principle, I no longer call it ‘love’. It can be chemistry, infatuation, obsession, mutual admiration, ego stroking, a distraction from boredom, fun times, avoidance of responsibility on my part, whatever. But love? Think again

 

can you honestly say that you feel better w/out the drama?

Now? Without a doubt! I am a passionate person and sometimes I was bored - but I got busy doing something else – dancing, movies, reading, fixing my house - whatever floated my boat so to speak. Sometimes I mistook serenity for boredom too. But I slowly came around to stopping my self-destructive behavior a little at a time. It had to start with looking at the effects of my behavior, regardless of what my heart said.

 

Are you happier alone than putting up with everything....did you feel that you were better off at the time you decided to end it?

Yes, the pain of putting myself through that over and over was no longer worth it. I was tired of complaining about the same thing over and over.

 

I took 2 years off of dating and worked on ‘me’. This wasn’t a conscious decision, and not everyone needs to do this. It’s just the way it worked for me.

Some realizations:

I wanted a relationship so bad that I was accepting stuff from others that went against my own beliefs of what love was or what I said I wanted in a relationship. I listed what people said about themselves, then I looked at their behavior. I looked at what I wanted in a relationship, and whether my relationships had that. If these things didn’t match, I asked why I chose to ignore this and why I was continuing to date them. It’s my choice to accept a bulls***ter or not. I did the same thing with my own behavior. It’s my choice whether to bulls*** myself or not. But I do not go into things blindly anymore. (Hey – reminds me of the saying that ‘love is blind)

 

As angry and depressed as it made me, I had to accept that I may never have that special relationship. Then I realized that being angry and depressed was also my choice. I made a decision to be happy with or without it. Again, happiness is my choice. It does not depend on anyone else’s words, decisions or actions. If I severely dislike what someone else is doing, I find other company. After doing this a while, I am able to focus on what I want, not what I don’t want. Life is much better, much more enjoyable

 

Are you happier alone….

I’m in a relationship now – it has its ups and downs like all of them do. It’s nothing like the ones before though. I don’t know whether it is marriage potential or not – at 10 months it is still too soon to tell.

 

I take it as it comes, but I don’t ignore ‘red flags’. I've talked about this in other posts here, so I won't repeat it now. However, from what I can tell, his actions do match his words. I make sure mine do too. It takes a certain amount of trust, which can be difficult after dating and believing a few bulls***ters and bulls***ting myself. If my head and heart are conflicted I have to resolve that before going any further in the relationship.

 

I make sure to do things for myself which make me happy. That is always my responsibility, no one else’s.

[smile95]

If my head and heart are conflicted I have to resolve that before going any further in the relationship.

 

This is what I need to do. I feel i love him, but my heaad knows that is not true. I appreciate you taking the time to wrote all of that out. I thought before that I would accept this from him since I loved him. Not now. I want so much more. If I were to marry him, nothing would change and I would be struggling with a divorce.

 

I guess I need to really ask myself what I want out of love and a relationship and see how he came no where close to that. I am just afraid I will not "connect" with anyone like I did him. Our chemistry was great and we clicked. I hope I can laugh and have fun with someone new.

[NewLee40]

There is a difference between love and connection. I've clicked with guys who were totally unsuitable for me, including this guy I just broke up with. A good friend of mine said that when you are "broken" sometimes you can only click with someone who has a "brokeness" similar to you, like two halves of a broken plate that fit back together.

 

The problem is, that the final result is rather weak and fragile. It may "feel" right, but its still....broken. The slightest stress breaks it apart.

 

If we can give the guys any credit at all, it is that they are operating from their own brokenness. Its sad, and we want to, but we can't fix them, and they can't fix us, for we are broken, too.

 

Our task is not to find someone else to "fit" with, but to become whole. Instead of one broken plate tenuously glued together, we need to be a whole plate, and find our matching cup. Equal, functional, matching, complementary, and able to function apart, or as a unit.

 

Take time off to make yourself whole. Otherwise, if it isn't this guy you are glued together with, it will be another broken man. You don't want that, do you?

[megabit15]

The bottom line is that you must accept that the "relationship" is dead. I don't mean just the "love" part, but the entire relationship. You cannot have any relationship (friends or otherwise) with such a person. While you may not be willing to spit on them if you met them on the street, you also do not need to feel obligated to respond to their every summons. After all, he sure didn't feel the need to respond to yours. Relationships imply a bi-directional exchange between two people. There is no relationship here and there doesn't need to be. Grieve the end of the relationship and move forward.

 

Exactly. You can 'love' someone in your heart and still not respond out of respect to yourself or self preservation. And yes, love is reciprocal. Why go to a well if it has no water?

 

Beth, honey, you are still trying to reason why and this is holding you back.

 

The "why" you are looking for is that he really does love you and that he can't stay away from you. The real reason why is probably along the lines that it boosts his fragile ego to know you are still there, still pining for him.

 

The better question is "why" do you keep hoping that you'll hang onto him some how. And, you've answered that question. It may not be much, but its all you got. You are afraid you'll never love again and that you'll be alone. That is why you hang on to a guy that is an utter jerk in your eyes and in the eyes of everyone who knows him. That is why, even though you know that life with him - if you got what you wanted - would still be miserable, you are willing to accept it.

 

Exactly. The reality is that as long as I am involved with someone who does not fit my basic and bottom line requirements for love, I am preventing myself from being ready and available for someone who does. The guy may be getting what he wants (and who knows WHAT his motives are!) But if I'm miserable, I am wasting my own time and causing my own misery by staying in it. Totally my choice.

 

I am just afraid I will not "connect" with anyone like I did him. Our chemistry was great and we clicked. I hope I can laugh and have fun with someone new.

 

Trust me on this: You WILL connect, laugh and have fun with someone else! BUT: It will NEVER happen if you continue to engage in destructive behavior - especially with someone who does not meet your basic needs. Totally your choice

[smile95]

well something hit me today as I was laying in bed. I used to love that rat by used to call me on his way to work and thru out the day and beore bed, etc...just to say hey or whatever........well that is the fantasy I have made him up to be.....that is the person I am letting go of. So I made myself sit down and think about all the stuff he used to do and try and think of the last time he did any of it for me.......what I did was take that stuff and when he did call(rarely) I would build him up and take all the good memories and place them in the present day. I should not have. I have found that it has been at least 1.5 yrs since he made any effort and did anythng noce for me. So when I miss him, I am going to ask myself...what do I miss? The stuff from year 1? Or who he is now....

[NewLee40]

Beth, what you need to understand is that he did not change. This is his modus operandi. Catch and release.

 

When a guy is in "chase" mode, he will call, he will do sweet things, he will make sure you are totally and completely smitten with him. He will give you a vision of what a relationship will be like with him and you love what you see.

 

Then, when he takes it all away, you spend all your time wondering. Why did he say this or that? It must have been true, he seemed very sincere. What changed? Did I do something wrong? You spend tons of time trying to figure out where the guy went that you fell in love with and spend all this energy believing that you can DO something to bring him back. Truth is, he never was.

 

I think back to my ex....

 

When we first started seeing eachother, he called every day. Hours and hours, we would spend on the phone. He sent me sweet emails, so self-deprecating and humble "I hope I'm doing this right, LeAnne, you are so sweet and pretty...I don't want to blow it."

 

Awwww..... right?

 

In conversations, he'd tell me how I was special. So different from the other women he'd been with. So grounded, so sincere, honest, kind, intelligent, a good mom, a decent person. All the things that I WANT a guy to see in me, he seemed to see.

 

In the beginning, he told me how he was hurt over his divorce, but he'd moved on. He was better off without her and he knew it. He was looking for something more.

 

The night that we first made love, he held me in his arms and told me that I was the first woman he'd been with since his divorce....and in a way, he felt guilty, but it also felt right. This was a Saturday night.

 

We saw eachother again on Thursday night. He was supposed to come over to my house the first time on Friday night and we had a date scheduled for Saturday night after that. But, he just couldn't wait to see me again, so Thursday it was. We had a wonderful time. It was perfect. He said he'd told his friends about me and they wanted to meet me. We made some other plans (for me to watch him play softball the next week, go to a party hosted by one of his friends, etc....) Now THIS is the way it ought to be, I thought.

 

He comes over to my house, and we watch a movie. I think it goes pretty well, and he's very complimentary of my kids and my house. We say goodbye, and I look forward to our Sat. evening together.

 

By chance, I just happen to check my email before heading over to his apt. I have a dear Jane letter waiting for me. Meeting my kids, he said, was just too much. It reminded him of what he lost (he had a step daughter) and he was just not ready. He was full of apologies, etc...

 

I should have let it go there, but I didn't. Why? I thought about all the things he said about how he felt about me. I was bonded to him and I knew that in my heart, I was happy to go slow. I wasn't looking for the whole enchilda, but willing to let things grow at a natural pace. After all, he'd been driving this thing. I had not been pushing him to say the things he said, or did the things he did.

 

I called him and we talked. We cried. He asked me to come over anyway, and like a fool, I did. He took me in his arms and said, "Don't hurt me LeAnne" Hurt him? Why in the world would I hurt him? And so, I bought into his story of pain and bought the idea that he was just afraid and we needed to go slower.

 

So, we continued, but I could tell he had one foot in and one foot out. His behavior was too inconsistent. But, we had some really lovely moments in between that kept me hanging on. I could see him in those moments, and I thought it was real.

 

After about a month of this, he told me in "IM's" (again, rather cowardly) that he met someone else. He didn't think we were a good match and he was sorry. It was at this point that he "confesses" that I don't really know him like I think I do. The story he told me about me being the only one since his divorce was a lie. He said I would "freak" if I knew how many women he'd been with.

 

And, that should have been the end of that, right? Well, as you know, it wasn't. He kept coming back, expressing that he cared for me, couldn't get me out of his mind, and it was just his fear and pain from his divorce that kept him in this mode of getting close then running away.

 

And me? I clung to those moments. Those moments that were good, that felt right, that clicked. I saw the man he initially purported himself to be and I clung to that in spite of the mounting evidence that he was not that man at all. So, I signed up for a year long odyssey of pain, lies and deciet because of my belief that we had something special.

 

See yourself in this?

[smile95]

I see myself in the pattern, but he never really lied to me (or saw anyone else)or did anything I can think of that was horrible. Our times were good for a few years and then recently in the last few, with the promotion and his busy schedule, it slowed and then stopped.

 

I DO think that it was a chase for him and that once he "had" me, the person I fell for faded out once I made it clear I was hooked. He has actaully admitted tha the things he did in the beginning were not going to continue.

 

I guess I can see that it is nothing I did to make him stop. It was never him and he just could not keep up the charade.

 

Sometimes I feel like I stick up for his behavior in my head to avoid being hurt. New Lee.....would you mind reading my list and telling me if I am over reacting to his treatment or if he really is not treating me right?

[megabit15]

.......what I did was take that stuff and when he did call(rarely) I would build him up and take all the good memories and place them in the present day. I should not have. I have found that it has been at least 1.5 yrs since he made any effort and did anythng noce for me. So when I miss him, I am going to ask myself...what do I miss? The stuff from year 1? Or who he is now....

 

Atta girl!! That's the way to work it through!! Add it to the list and Keep Going.

 

Your natural tendencies are so sweet and kind, but this is not the time for it. You WILL have plenty of time for that once you're through with this - but ya gotta get through first.

 

Keep going with the list

[smile95]

thanks

 

Did you see where he contacted me again today?? I did not respond!!!! yahoo

[heartnsoul]

I'm so proud of you Beth!! I sincerely am!

[smile95]

thanks.....as I said in another post. I am done. I see now that all this is is drama and I get hurt. When he realizes I am not his doormat, I am sure he will put on the charm, but I am wise to his games now. I am sick of being sick over him. Nothing good is coming out of this. The only time I am happy is when he calls and I then day dream about the pat or the future. I guess I need to see the PRESENT SUX!