Thoughts on Monkey-branching exes?

[lawyaman2018]

Don't be too hard on yourself. She could have maturely voiced her rational thoughts,you know like a normal adult would do and not think the 'honeymoon' would last forever. That's just little girl playing princess rationale.

 

Damn that edible was strong last night!

 

You're exactly right. And her expectations that this new honeymoon phase will last forever and end in a fairy tale ending will crash and burn, I think.

 

D***, wish I had an edible:cool:

[ShyLove]

You hit the nail right on the head! To answer your questions:

 

No, she did not work the majority of our relationship. However, about 3 months before our breakup, she did start working part time as a cocktail waitress at a shady strip club (turning down HIGH paying modeling and other jobs to do so and make minimum wage). This is where she met the new guy.

 

We had a 10 year age difference, and she is now 20. And I do remember my early twenties, not yet fully emotionally developed and not understanding how the world really works, etc. Having that view of the world, and the people in it, through rose-colored glasses, not realizing that the choices you make at that age can haunt you forever. So yes, I do realize that a lot of this has to do with some emotional immaturity as well as a lack of understanding about the real world.

 

And yes, I think boredom has a lot to do with it. H***, I'd get bored just sitting around the house all day. And new guy can give her attention 24/7 because he has nothing else to do, so it's fun and exciting for her, at least for now.

 

I know for a fact there's drug use involved on both parties, so that has something to do with it too, I'm guessing. As of the moment, I know she only has her 3 shift a week job at the same strip club, and hasn't yet found a second job, so it'll be interesting to see if they are evicted from their sh**** apartment next month.

 

At any rate, I still believe that once the "honeymoon phase" wears off and reality sets in, this new fling will die as quick and hard as it started. I do want her to be happy and want the best for her, though. I just know this life is not the best for her.

 

 

Honestly at 20 years old, I'd just let her be. Bc if you got back together then you'd have to worry after she turns 21. She sounds like the type who will want to go through her partying and hooking up phase (which she should do at that age). That is a whole other can of worms yet to be opened haha

 

Also, how old is the other guy? Sounds like she is his rebound since he just got divorced.

[NopeNah]

D***, wish I had an edible:cool:

Sure takes your mind of the nonsense! Her relationship is doomed and that's why I think you should block her. You'd be a fool to ever take her back after the crap she's pulled/tried to pull.

[lawyaman2018]

Honestly at 20 years old, I'd just let her be. Bc if you got back together then you'd have to worry after she turns 21. She sounds like the type who will want to go through her partying and hooking up phase (which she should do at that age). That is a whole other can of worms yet to be opened haha

 

Also, how old is the other guy? Sounds like she is his rebound since he just got divorced.

 

Not too worried about the partying and hooking up phase. She got the hooking up phase out of her system before we dated, and we both got the party phase out of our system (living in Hollywood) lol. So that isn't really a concern of mine.

 

New guy is 26, not so sure if he's re-bounding as much as finding someone who can get him off the streets. His marriage ended because of his cheating and drug use.

[lawyaman2018]

Sure takes your mind of the nonsense! Her relationship is doomed and that's why I think you should block her. You'd be a fool to ever take her back after the crap she's pulled/tried to pull.

 

I know, I know...the general consensus seems to be that 1) new relationship will fail, 2) she contacts me, and 3) I have to decide whether to respond.

 

Guess you're right, blocking her would be the easiest option in my case.

Edited February 19, 2018 by lawyaman2018

[Versacehottie]

I think the main issue is that she had the capability to offer so much, and just chose not to. Even after dropping out of college, the plan was always to get back in college, or to choose this career or that. She always had these big plans of things she wanted to do/accomplish, and I always did everything I could to encourage her and help her try to reach those goals (taking off work and touring colleges with her, researching application deadlines, helping with applications, helping her job search, etc). In the end, they always fizzled out and it was back to square 1. I was more than happy to stick with her and help her become a proud and accomplished woman; it's just that time and time again, she never stuck with things. Does that make sense?

 

She's a very intelligent girl, capable of doing anything she sets her mind to. It's just the motivation and the making smart choices that she has issues with. I didn't want her because she was needy or because I enjoyed holding things over her head. In fact, we did start a couple of business ventures together, working together on kicking a** and making money, and those are some of the best times I had with her - working together as a team.

 

Unfortunately, I did become disappointed that she wasn't working to make herself happy. Like I told her toward the end of the breakup, no matter how hard I try or how much I do, there's no way I can make you 100% happy - no other person can. In order to have a happy relationship, both partners must be happy in and of themselves, and bring that happiness into a relationship for it to work.

 

I feel that's one reason she's done a complete 180 and chosen a guy who is my total opposite. He's not motivated to do anything except mooch off others, and he's very obviously not the type to try to encourage or motivate her to be the best she can be. H***, he wants her working at a strip club so she can pay his rent and expenses.

 

All that to say, I probably did come across as a bit controlling, especially in the last few months, but not because I wanted or enjoyed that - but because I wanted her to be the best person she could be and to be accomplished and happy. I'll be the first to readily admit that I made many mistakes in our relationship, and all I can do is focus on me and being a better person in my next one, but I really did love this girl and wanted a life with her, so it's going to sting for some time.

 

Well like someone said earlier, this is a parent-child dynamic. I have seen it with a couple of my friends whose guys earn a lot and they do not work. It is the very thing that has the ability to derail a relationship. It needs to be of equals, whatever the age. In fact, that is part of what you were frustrated with in her--that you were giving her the time and space to pursue her goals and she also didn't take initiative or would for a little bit and then drop it. A friend of mine had premarital counseling from the pastor (or whatever religious entity, father? Idk, I think catholic or christian) and over several weeks you have to have meetings and answer questions, discuss problems and potential problems with him and guess what he said at the end that he was worried about: the parent-child dynamic between them because she didn't work and depended on him financially and had no particular career goals. And he was right, this is the problem they come up against--and they love each other a lot. I have to say to be there for one of the parent-child arguments is frustrating (and I literally usually have his side because there is a brattiness that comes out of it when there are no repercussions and ultimately she is not being asked to pull her weight). It can create a lot of resentment.

 

I think at 20 your ex is still figuring out WHO she is. It's a lot of pressure to know what you want to do and apply yourself and rise to the occasion to keep up with a successful boyfriend. Also there is not much reason to, if he foots the bill. And will continue to. You probably moved things much too fast IMO if you have been together over 2 years and living together and she had NO career aspirations. There are girls who survive 10 years or more in LA jumping from guy to guy with no real job (saying that they could be a model and living off some social media attention so guys think they are "something") and never really paying a bill, paying their way. (i live here too & it's a thing more than anywhere else). This is the land of opportun(sits)!!!

 

Interesting that drugs were brought up. I get a little feeling of that when you keep saying more details. I don't think it's the major thing or you would have more to say. I think you think she's got stuff out of her system, but it's pretty rare for most 20 year olds to have "stuff" out of their system as they are still figuring themselves out. Whether it's for attention, independence, hollywood lifestyle, hooking up, or drugs--it doesn't sound like it's out of her system. It never really had a chance to be. Certainly the hollywood lifestyle, bringing him back to your place when you were away?? Probably after a night of partying. That's Hollywood Opportunist 101. She's not worthy. I wouldn't even say all of it has to do with growing up. There are people that take advantage and people who don't and their own moral compass tells them not to. This girl will still be a problem at 30 because her compass is off. Hurts now, but consider yourself lucky

[CantTakeMySmile]

Honestly, focusing so much on his bad habits is not helping you. No matter what kind of person he is, he is the one she has chosen to be with. I know it probably stings much worse that she chose someone you view as less than you. But, you can change the reality of the situation, so you must accept it.

 

 

I know you want an apology, but sometimes, life is just not like that. She is 20. Think about that. I wouldn't hold my breathe for an apology. I would try to let go of the idea completely, as an apology would not speed up your healing, and that is your end game.

 

 

It is good you no longer want her in a sexual way, as it sounds like she is heading down a shady path, one which I doubt you would want to revisit now that she has been with someone else, and living and working in the less than desirable environment.

 

 

Take time, feel you feelings, stop focusing on him, and once you have healed....try again. Block her phone number, that will alleviate the anxiety of the phone not ringing.

Edited February 19, 2018 by CantTakeMySmile
misspelling

[ShyLove]

Not too worried about the partying and hooking up phase. She got the hooking up phase out of her system before we dated, and we both got the party phase out of our system (living in Hollywood) lol. So that isn't really a concern of mine.

 

New guy is 26, not so sure if he's re-bounding as much as finding someone who can get him off the streets. His marriage ended because of his cheating and drug use.

 

haha interesting. I live in LA too (but from a small town like most of LA lol) and I didn't think people here ended their party phases until about 40 haha

[lawyaman2018]

Well like someone said earlier, this is a parent-child dynamic. I have seen it with a couple of my friends whose guys earn a lot and they do not work. It is the very thing that has the ability to derail a relationship. It needs to be of equals, whatever the age. In fact, that is part of what you were frustrated with in her--that you were giving her the time and space to pursue her goals and she also didn't take initiative or would for a little bit and then drop it. A friend of mine had premarital counseling from the pastor (or whatever religious entity, father? Idk, I think catholic or christian) and over several weeks you have to have meetings and answer questions, discuss problems and potential problems with him and guess what he said at the end that he was worried about: the parent-child dynamic between them because she didn't work and depended on him financially and had no particular career goals. And he was right, this is the problem they come up against--and they love each other a lot. I have to say to be there for one of the parent-child arguments is frustrating (and I literally usually have his side because there is a brattiness that comes out of it when there are no repercussions and ultimately she is not being asked to pull her weight). It can create a lot of resentment.

 

I think at 20 your ex is still figuring out WHO she is. It's a lot of pressure to know what you want to do and apply yourself and rise to the occasion to keep up with a successful boyfriend. Also there is not much reason to, if he foots the bill. And will continue to. You probably moved things much too fast IMO if you have been together over 2 years and living together and she had NO career aspirations. There are girls who survive 10 years or more in LA jumping from guy to guy with no real job (saying that they could be a model and living off some social media attention so guys think they are "something") and never really paying a bill, paying their way. (i live here too & it's a thing more than anywhere else). This is the land of opportun(sits)!!!

 

Interesting that drugs were brought up. I get a little feeling of that when you keep saying more details. I don't think it's the major thing or you would have more to say. I think you think she's got stuff out of her system, but it's pretty rare for most 20 year olds to have "stuff" out of their system as they are still figuring themselves out. Whether it's for attention, independence, hollywood lifestyle, hooking up, or drugs--it doesn't sound like it's out of her system. It never really had a chance to be. Certainly the hollywood lifestyle, bringing him back to your place when you were away?? Probably after a night of partying. That's Hollywood Opportunist 101. She's not worthy. I wouldn't even say all of it has to do with growing up. There are people that take advantage and people who don't and their own moral compass tells them not to. This girl will still be a problem at 30 because her compass is off. Hurts now, but consider yourself lucky

 

Very well said. Her moral compass is off, and she is inherently a very self-centered person. Which tells me this relationship, nor any she has in the future, will last unless she changes.

 

Just so odd that a girl with her looks and potential, who could have probably ang rich guy she wanted, would shack up with a guy like this who doesn’t have 2 pennies to rub together.

[lawyaman2018]

haha interesting. I live in LA too (but from a small town like most of LA lol) and I didn't think people here ended their party phases until about 40 haha

 

Lol when we first moved here, we partied hard. It has since died down some for both of us, but I still go out occasionally and I'm sure she does too.

[NopeNah]

D***, wish I had an edible:cool:

Speaking of this..You guys are 'recreational' now right?

[lawyaman2018]

Speaking of this..You guys are 'recreational' now right?

 

Indeed we are

[NopeNah]

Indeed we are

What's the tax on the rec there?

[CantTakeMySmile]

How do you know so much about her boyfriend? Do you still discuss such things?

[lawyaman2018]

How do you know so much about her boyfriend? Do you still discuss such things?

 

Can't divulge all my secrets, but what I know about him is all 100% confirmed. Also what she did tell me about him right after the breakup, coupled with what her parents have told me about him. But no, we don't still talk. Been NC for 16 days now.

[CantTakeMySmile]

What is the benefit of the investigation?

[lawyaman2018]

What is the benefit of the investigation?

 

None really, except I guess to ease my mind that he is the total and complete opposite of me. Doesn't really matter anymore, she's with him so that's that. And I'm certainly not the kind of guy to go causing trouble or anything like that with an ex's new relationship. As I've said previously, I'll never initiate contact with her or anything of the sort again, unless she reaches out to me, then I'll decide what to do.

[lawyaman2018]

What's the tax on the rec there?

 

I'm not sure, I haven't occasioned to buy any yet, though I think I need to change that lol

[Versacehottie]

Honestly, focusing so much on his bad habits is not helping you. No matter what kind of person he is, he is the one she has chosen to be with. I know it probably stings much worse that she chose someone you view as less than you. But, you can change the reality of the situation, so you must accept it.

 

 

I know you want an apology, but sometimes, life is just not like that. She is 20. Think about that. I wouldn't hold my breathe for an apology. I would try to let go of the idea completely, as an apology would not speed up your healing, and that is your end game.

 

 

It is good you no longer want her in a sexual way, as it sounds like she is heading down a shady path, one which I doubt you would want to revisit now that she has been with someone else, and living and working in the less than desirable environment.

 

 

Take time, feel you feelings, stop focusing on him, and once you have healed....try again. Block her phone number, that will alleviate the anxiety of the phone not ringing.

 

Totally agree!!! Well said! Your brain when you process that a guy on paper who is not half of what you are on paper will put you in an insecure mode like it is! The undertone of your posts is "why" and also putting him down. Guess what? That keeps you "stuck". Isn't good to keep asking yourself "why him, why not me when I gave her everything", all you need to focus on for the relationship is "what type of person must she be and what place in life must she be" so you can make sense of it. Oh, and also what on your part (don't go too heavy into this or it will also keep you stuck) could you have done to make wiser choices within the relationship.

 

And then basically you need to put yourself on the best breakup plan I know of--work, workout, hangout with friends and indulge in your hobbies. Invest in yourself. Right now you are still investing in her--what is she doing, why is she not thinking of me, why him, will i hear from her, what went wrong. I also think you need to accept that you guys were mismatched. If it is hard to accept, accept that you are mismatched at this point in life and who knows what the future holds. You've got to get to the point where it is clear as day that you are not interested in a person like this. I'm a girl but on the fact that she moved some other guy into the home where you both lived and where you pay for everything, I'd be a hard out--for good. Total disrespect.

 

And she is still insecure and trading on her looks which is a slippery slope. Out of all the places to work, she chooses a strip club, she is still not willing to work hard and invest in herself. She always chooses the easy. She is not ready. May never be. No offense to those who work in strip clubs (sorry!), I'm just saying that it is is a level-headed, ambitious career girl you are looking for as your equal, she is not headed in that direction--not before and not now. Girls that trade on their looks ONLY are often a mess, because deep down they question their real value. You actually didn't help things along by really only valuing that part of her either, i.e. continuing to indulge her when that's all that she offered and was doing nothing else to better herself or contribute to the relationship. From someone who you dated from 18-20, I would strongly expect to see growth as that is what happens during most people during that time of their life. Sometimes it does mean that your paths will diverge and you will be on different ones and or that one of you will absolutely choose the wrong one.

[niji]

Just so odd that a girl with her looks and potential, who could have probably ang rich guy she wanted, would shack up with a guy like this who doesn’t have 2 pennies to rub together.

 

Maybe she's tired of being provided for and now wants to be the provider, the savior, etc etc. At 20, she doesn't know enough about herself yet; she maybe realized a life being provided for is not what she wants. Yet she hasn't figured out to grow out of that and resorts to working menial jobs to save this guy from the street life If I had to guess she feels the adrenaline rush and the pride in him being at home waiting for her to come back from work, "honey, thank you for working so hard"; she's flipping her previous life 180 degrees where she was the one waiting for YOU to come back from work. She wants to know what it's like to have the upper hand. Because, whether we want to admit it or not, money / status plays a huge part in any relationship. There's no way she didn't have the inferiority complex due to you having the upper hand before, but she might have been too lazy / unmotivated to work towards a path that would bring her closer to you. Heck, she might have thought the gap was too big to close and so why bother.

Edited February 20, 2018 by niji

[lawyaman2018]

Maybe she's tired of being provided for and now wants to be the provider, the savior, etc etc. At 20, she doesn't know enough about herself yet; she maybe realized a life being provided for is not what she wants. Yet she hasn't figured out to grow out of that and resorts to working menial jobs to save this guy from the street life If I had to guess she feels the adrenaline rush and the pride in him being at home waiting for her to come back from work, "honey, thank you for working so hard"; she's flipping her previous life 180 degrees where she was the one waiting for YOU to come back from work. She wants to know what it's like to have the upper hand. Because, whether we want to admit it or not, money / status plays a huge part in any relationship. There's no way she didn't have the inferiority complex due to you having the upper hand before, but she might have been too lazy / unmotivated to work towards a path that would bring her closer to you. Heck, she might have thought the gap was too big to close and so why bother.

 

I almost am beginning to think I'm over-rationalizing all of this. Talked with a girl friend of mine about it all tonight. One memory I had...the night before we broke up, we had a long heart to heart and really talked. At the end of our hours long talk, she told me that she still loved me, and that a big part of her wanted to be with me and knew I was a good choice, and that she just wished she could change her strong "feelings" for the new guy, and that these strong feelings just superseded everything else. So, knowing everything I know about her, and knowing that in reality I never really held things over her head so to speak, I'm beginning to believe it may have been a purely physical/honeymoon infatuation that caused her to do this complete 180.

 

I can't be certain, of course, but throughout the whole breakup time, all she mentioned were these "strong feelings" for new guy, and that if it weren't for these strong feelings, she'd still be with me. Almost like it wasn't even a rational, thought out choice in her mind, if that makes sense. Just knee-jerk and impulsive decision based on "feelings" i.e. infatuation.

[lawyaman2018]

I'm a girl but on the fact that she moved some other guy into the home where you both lived and where you pay for everything, I'd be a hard out--for good. Total disrespect.

 

I couldn't agree more. I think this is one of the things that hurt the worst. Not just the breakup, but the mere fact that immediately after, she moved him into our house, our room, our bed, as if I was just completely replaced and not thought of again. Hard to have any respect for a person like that.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I couldn't agree more. I think this is one of the things that hurt the worst. Not just the breakup, but the mere fact that immediately after, she moved him into our house, our room, our bed, as if I was just completely replaced and not thought of again. Hard to have any respect for a person like that.

 

 

 

Yeah, couldn't go back to that.... ever... no matter what she said or how she changed. That is cold, calculated and common. Who does that? What was she thinking as she was f-ing another guy in the bed you paid for in the house you paid for. Did she have to have it that bad that she would drop to that level? I don't think it would even been sensible to consider talking to her again. I wouldn't even bother to answer that call.

[NopeNah]

I'm not sure, I haven't occasioned to buy any yet, though I think I need to change that lol

I went to my buddy google after I asked..not sure why I even asked. 34%'ish for rec depending on city(we're at 33%) Great way to unwind after a hard day for sure! Beats drinking..waay less carbs/sugars!

[lawyaman2018]

Yeah, couldn't go back to that.... ever... no matter what she said or how she changed. That is cold, calculated and common. Who does that? What was she thinking as she was f-ing another guy in the bed you paid for in the house you paid for. Did she have to have it that bad that she would drop to that level? I don't think it would even been sensible to consider talking to her again. I wouldn't even bother to answer that call.

 

Agreed. It wasn't like there was a major problem in our relationship, or anything I did to her for her to act that way. Just shows her true character, I guess. At any rate, I'm sure s** on the air mattress in the ghetto is amazing. Unfortunately, I'll never know since I can actually afford a real mattress.

 

Another odd thing...when she moved out of my place, she actually left quite a few things behind. Boxes of clothes, shoes, personal items, etc. Any advice what I should do with them?