It took me awhile but I did it 😊

[usa1ah]

Openness and communication is key. I really believe it’s as simple as that.

 

We’ve talked about it a little bit already. When we first started entering the dating phase. I did what most WS are asked to do when it comes to being transparent. I made a list with all my passwords to all my social media accounts and emails. He looked at me as if I had to two heads. He told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship where he had to be a “warden”. He made very clear if he felt something was off or had a bad feeling about anything, he would straight up and ask if something was up and if he didn’t like my answer he’s gone.

 

It’s really all on me, I know what he’s expecting from me and I know what I need to do to make this work.

 

Very few ex waywards understand what you two have talked about here.

 

I’m glad it has worked out for your family.

 

Also glad you were to busy to date anyone else. I don’t think you would of had this outcome if you did.

 

Best wishes for family. There are not that many happy endings like this one.

[BluesPower]

I went through ALL of your old threads... Ok almost all, all of the first big one and huge portion of the second big one.

 

I want to say several things to you. First, your story is almost the classic affair, with all the standard stuff, too bad so many people will read it after they have had an affair, and ruined their lives.

 

You handled yourself so well after you realized, or started to realize, what you had done. Of all of the women on this board, you earned a second chance.

 

Your husband handled himself very well as well. He took care of business and you got exactly what you deserved for doing that to him.

 

But what made me cry, (and yes people I can cry) was the first time he triggered after you guy made love one night. I relived some of my triggers with my wife, and after all of this time, it hurt.

 

And how after some thinking, you got the first glimpse of how much you hurt him.

 

All of that just hurt so bad. I loved my wife the way that he loved you, so much. And the pain that she put me through, and more than affairs - believe it or not, was really just unimaginable. I actually don't think about it much lately, but there are times that the pain comes back.

 

I hope that everything works our for you and your ex husband.

 

But there are things that I really want you to know.

 

You will never, ever be able to "make up" for what you did to him, ever. He may choose to continue to forgive you. But that is actually a daily thing that he has to do. He may never say that, even if you ask. He may not even know that he does it himself. But I assure you that everyday that he looks at you, from now until you or he dies, he actually has to choose to forgive you.

 

I want you to continue to be grateful for the love that he gives you. Because you do not deserve it but that is what love and grace is about.

 

You are so lucky that you have the chance to put your family back together. Be grateful for that chance and don't ever squander it.

 

Your Ex H, should be the happiest man in to world, because you should make him that way. Take the gift that you have been given, and prove to him everyday, that he made the right choice by giving you a second chance.

 

If more WS, did what you have done and behave as you have, there would be less pain in this world.

 

If my ExW had ever done a tenth of what you have done, she would not be living in a rent house, and worrying about the rest of her life.

 

I have moved past all of this, I just had a lot of memories today because of your threads.

 

The other thing is, whether your ExH says it or not, and maybe he does not even understand it himself... he is not over your affair. Just understand that. He will trigger one day, understand that and be as prepared for it as you can be. I promise you that it will happen.

 

I truly hope everything continues to work out for your family...

[DKT3]

I went through ALL of your old threads... Ok almost all, all of the first big one and huge portion of the second big one.

 

I want to say several things to you. First, your story is almost the classic affair, with all the standard stuff, too bad so many people will read it after they have had an affair, and ruined their lives.

 

You handled yourself so well after you realized, or started to realize, what you had done. Of all of the women on this board, you earned a second chance.

 

Your husband handled himself very well as well. He took care of business and you got exactly what you deserved for doing that to him.

 

But what made me cry, (and yes people I can cry) was the first time he triggered after you guy made love one night. I relived some of my triggers with my wife, and after all of this time, it hurt.

 

And how after some thinking, you got the first glimpse of how much you hurt him.

 

All of that just hurt so bad. I loved my wife the way that he loved you, so much. And the pain that she put me through, and more than affairs - believe it or not, was really just unimaginable. I actually don't think about it much lately, but there are times that the pain comes back.

 

I hope that everything works our for you and your ex husband.

 

But there are things that I really want you to know.

 

You will never, ever be able to "make up" for what you did to him, ever. He may choose to continue to forgive you. But that is actually a daily thing that he has to do. He may never say that, even if you ask. He may not even know that he does it himself. But I assure you that everyday that he looks at you, from now until you or he dies, he actually has to choose to forgive you.

 

I want you to continue to be grateful for the love that he gives you. Because you do not deserve it but that is what love and grace is about.

 

You are so lucky that you have the chance to put your family back together. Be grateful for that chance and don't ever squander it.

 

Your Ex H, should be the happiest man in to world, because you should make him that way. Take the gift that you have been given, and prove to him everyday, that he made the right choice by giving you a second chance.

 

If more WS, did what you have done and behave as you have, there would be less pain in this world.

 

If my ExW had ever done a tenth of what you have done, she would not be living in a rent house, and worrying about the rest of her life.

 

I have moved past all of this, I just had a lot of memories today because of your threads.

 

The other thing is, whether your ExH says it or not, and maybe he does not even understand it himself... he is not over your affair. Just understand that. He will trigger one day, understand that and be as prepared for it as you can be. I promise you that it will happen.

 

I truly hope everything continues to work out for your family...

Going back after divorce is more difficult then most people can imagine for a BS. I agree, I feel like I have to choose to be with my wife alot, I won't say daily. But, there have been times when I've thought, what the F have I done. Not many in the past year and a half or so. It does get better, unfortunately I done think it ever completely goes away.

 

As I said, Sofie is pretty similar to my wife in the way she handled things afterwards. I believe my wife had some conversations with her. Both totally understood the damage, both gave space but maintained open to accepting one way conversation. Even how her husband acted was similar to my own actions. I loved my wife, but forced myself to stay away even when I didn't want to. I'm human so I failed he and there and would "come around" which she was always open to. My wife stayed busy and never got involved with even fishing for the possibility of another man. Just like Sofie and her husband my way feel and I slowly started doing things together with the kids, then by ourselves, slowly engaged in some sporadic sexual activities. Then a few romantic dates. But she never pushed me past my level of comfort. She seemed to be very in tune with how I felt.

 

Sofie, you've done about as well as a wayward (former) spouse could do. Keep communication flowing even when it's difficult topics and you can be really happy.

[JS84]

Nice to see a happy ending in this section for a change.

[Cullenbohannon]

I stand corrected. We spent the evening reading Sophies and DKTs threads. Reconcilliation does not end with the decision to try again.

 

As much strength that it takes to leave a WS that you love, it takes twice as much to come back. That is a huge risk.

 

The belonging of true love is the only reason a person would risk their heart again. It is also the only reason a WS would wait the 2-5 years and follow the script.

 

Not surprised the two women talked to each other. Loving may have given Sophie the play by play and it worked. Many could benefit from such advice. Perhaps they should write a book.

[wmacbride]

I look at the choosing to be with my spouse not as a burden or something bad, but as a gift.

 

Each day,I know that I am choosing to be with him, and that means it's where I truly want to be. While he was away after he told me about his A, I had lots of time to think. I could have succeeded on my own, maybe found another guy and been happy. Hell, in some ways, it might have been a whole lot easier, but that wasn't what I wanted.

 

The op shows that reconciling is also a daily choice for the ws. Each day, she has made/makes the choice to be with her bs and feel the guilt,face the triggers, see the pain in her bs's eyes and know she caused it. She has chosen to reconnect with him and build a new relationship even though it might have been easier to be with another man without all the baggage because she loves him enough to try. She is willing to humble herself and dot he work, and I do hope that, if all goes well, she and her bh will be able to create a wonderful new relationship. That takes bravery, humility and a big heart, and it sounds like she has all of those, plus a whole lot more.

[JuneL]

My apologies if anybody doesn't like this post. I followed Sophie's thread pretty closely and was rooting for her and her ex-hubby to get back together. Despite Sophie's affair, I could feel that she and her ex-hubby deeply loved each other and were super attracted to each other. In contrast, I personally think DKT's story was full of dramas at times. If I recall correctly, he had an emotional affair with a poster on here even after he was engaged to his ex-wife to be married the second time (and while she was pregnant with their baby).

 

I stand corrected. We spent the evening reading Sophies and DKTs threads. Reconcilliation does not end with the decision to try again.

 

As much strength that it takes to leave a WS that you love, it takes twice as much to come back. That is a huge risk.

 

The belonging of true love is the only reason a person would risk their heart again. It is also the only reason a WS would wait the 2-5 years and follow the script.

 

Not surprised the two women talked to each other. Loving may have given Sophie the play by play and it worked. Many could benefit from such advice. Perhaps they should write a book.

[BluesPower]

I look at the choosing to be with my spouse not as a burden or something bad, but as a gift.

 

Each day,I know that I am choosing to be with him, and that means it's where I truly want to be. While he was away after he told me about his A, I had lots of time to think. I could have succeeded on my own, maybe found another guy and been happy. Hell, in some ways, it might have been a whole lot easier, but that wasn't what I wanted.

 

The op shows that reconciling is also a daily choice for the ws. Each day, she has made/makes the choice to be with her bs and feel the guilt,face the triggers, see the pain in her bs's eyes and know she caused it. She has chosen to reconnect with him and build a new relationship even though it might have been easier to be with another man without all the baggage because she loves him enough to try. She is willing to humble herself and dot he work, and I do hope that, if all goes well, she and her bh will be able to create a wonderful new relationship. That takes bravery, humility and a big heart, and it sounds like she has all of those, plus a whole lot more.

 

I have to disagree... And I think, with respect, that you take too much on yourself.

 

That is your right, but IMHO, the BS is the one that gives the GIFT to the WS.

 

If the WS wants to leave, then hit the road. It is their job to prove to the BS that they made the right decision.

 

In my case, mine did not, she hit the road...

[Colin Grant]

That's simply awesome.

[sidney2718]

Openness and communication is key. I really believe it’s as simple as that.

 

We’ve talked about it a little bit already. When we first started entering the dating phase. I did what most WS are asked to do when it comes to being transparent. I made a list with all my passwords to all my social media accounts and emails. He looked at me as if I had to two heads. He told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship where he had to be a “warden”. He made very clear if he felt something was off or had a bad feeling about anything, he would straight up and ask if something was up and if he didn’t like my answer he’s gone.

 

It’s really all on me, I know what he’s expecting from me and I know what I need to do to make this work.

 

Sophie: I am so glad to learn that you and your husband are back together again. I'm happy that you two have another chance at being together. And your kids must be very very happy.

 

Best of luck to you and stay in touch with the group here.

[DKT3]

My apologies if anybody doesn't like this post. I followed Sophie's thread pretty closely and was rooting for her and her ex-hubby to get back together. Despite Sophie's affair, I could feel that she and her ex-hubby deeply loved each other and were super attracted to each other. In contrast, I personally think DKT's story was full of dramas at times. If I recall correctly, he had an emotional affair with a poster on here even after he was engaged to his ex-wife to be married the second time (and while she was pregnant with their baby).

 

Hmm, a member who joined in 2017 followed threads from 2015 going back?

 

Yes, there was drama, that comes with uncertainty, change, and shifting expectation. Although how you describe it is misleading in a taking a shot kind of way. Emotional affair? hardly.

[JuneL]

Hmm, a member who joined in 2017 followed threads from 2015 going back?

 

Yes, there was drama, that comes with uncertainty, change, and shifting expectation. Although how you describe it is misleading in a taking a shot kind of way. Emotional affair? hardly.

 

Yeah, I was following (reading) this forum on and off purely as a reader, before signing up for an account to make posts.

 

I know this sounds odd, but I felt a little invested in Sofie's threads (I remember spending a couple of night catching up with her threads) So I found it odd that some posters compare her situation to another couple.

[Cullenbohannon]

Seriously?

 

The fiancee is anxiously waiting on a update. What gives?

[Sofie2013]

Divorce does not fix issues that existed in your marriage, you just remove yourself from the marriage. Once you decide to come together again then those issues still have to be resolved or else it will just be a repeat. Just like my wife, Sofie has shown genuine change since the split, I remember following her story in real time.

 

 

 

I agree a lot of the issues during our first relationship do still exist. But many those issues would still be present in a new relationship if i choose to go that route. Because a lot of those issues don’t follow the relationship but the person. So many of those issues would’ve needed to be dealt with either way. That’s probably why second marriages are more likely to end in divorce. They never wanted to solve or deal with problems/issues the first time around they probably aren’t going to do it the second time either.

 

Plus we’ve talked about problems we had the first time around before the affair took place and problems we are going to face because of the affair and the divorce. We both know this isn’t going to be easy but I’ve learned marriage is never easy it takes much work and practice. And don’t really see it as work, I’m actually looking forward too it.

[road]

Sofie, I ma glad you are recovering.

It was a good thing that you never dated after you

ended you affair.

 

I wonder if your BH would of dated you after the divorce

if you had dated other men.

[wmacbride]

I have to disagree... And I think, with respect, that you take too much on yourself.

 

That is your right, but IMHO, the BS is the one that gives the GIFT to the WS.

 

If the WS wants to leave, then hit the road. It is their job to prove to the BS that they made the right decision.

 

In my case, mine did not, she hit the road...

 

It's been ten years for us. At some point, I had to let go of the anger and sadness. An affair shouldn't be a whipping tool for the rest of the marriage...Otherwise, what's the point of staying together.

 

Part of this conclusion came about because during the time he was away after he had told me about the affair, I got at I thought was "the call" ( a call from my spouse's squadron padre to tell me there'd been an accident or casualty). I was't home, and all I got was a voicemail to contact so and so, with the number showing p as a base number with the name "government of Canada". Of course, I should have known it was nothing important, but I didn't think of that, and all I could think was the worst. It took me awhile to get a hold of the caller, and in that time, I realized how easy it can be to lose someone you love, and for them to never again be a part of your life. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life angry and him to spend the rest of his feeling like he could never get off the hamster wheel of atoning for what he had done.

 

The ironic part is that he's far harder on himself than I am on him. I'd forgiven him a long time ago...I don't think he'll ever be able to forgive himself, no matter what I say.

 

Just my opinion. Each person needs to find what works for them. That worked for us, but others may need to take a different road.

[wmacbride]

I agree a lot of the issues during our first relationship do still exist. But many those issues would still be present in a new relationship if i choose to go that route. Because a lot of those issues don’t follow the relationship but the person. So many of those issues would’ve needed to be dealt with either way. That’s probably why second marriages are more likely to end in divorce. They never wanted to solve or deal with problems/issues the first time around they probably aren’t going to do it the second time either.

 

Plus we’ve talked about problems we had the first time around before the affair took place and problems we are going to face because of the affair and the divorce. We both know this isn’t going to be easy but I’ve learned marriage is never easy it takes much work and practice. And don’t really see it as work, I’m actually looking forward too it.

 

This is a good attitude. You have both been given a gift, and with a lot of hard work and grace on both your parts, the rest of your life together can be wonderful.

[drifter777]

I feel incredibly sad for your BH. He had it made - he detached from you and was free to start his life without the burden of a cheating wife yet caved in to his need for "comfortable". At least this is how I see it through my eyes and, of course, it's not fair to you or your husband.

 

I can't help but transfer my own feelings and apply my own experiences to your entire story. What you did was incredibly cruel, selfish and beyond hurtful. The thought that any man would decide that it was time to simply overlook your terrible betrayal is unthinkable. To me. Your husband is not me and I hope the two of you are able to make it work and have a great life together. I don't think you can remain faithful to him, but time will tell.

[road]

I feel incredibly sad for your BH. He had it made - he detached from you and was free to start his life without the burden of a cheating wife yet caved in to his need for "comfortable". At least this is how I see it through my eyes and, of course, it's not fair to you or your husband.

 

I can't help but transfer my own feelings and apply my own experiences to your entire story. What you did was incredibly cruel, selfish and beyond hurtful. The thought that any man would decide that it was time to simply overlook your terrible betrayal is unthinkable. To me. Your husband is not me and I hope the two of you are able to make it work and have a great life together. I don't think you can remain faithful to him, but time will tell.

 

Because you are a BH does not mean you feel the pain in the

same ways that her BH did. Not saying one BH was hurt less

or more.

 

What I am saying is that Sofie's BH hurt more from not

having his family then he hurt from his WW cheating on him.

 

With time she was able to show him that she could stay away

from not only the OM but from all men. She showed how

she has been working to make herself safe for him.

 

There are many reasons and motivations to recover a marriage.

Many to get a divorce. There is nothing wrong with either route.

[JuneL]

Does dating myself count ?.

 

Seriously I didn’t date or see anyone. I was mostly to busy. I really needed to rebuild my life after my divorce . I had rediscover who I was, find a new job, help my boys deal with everything that was going on and add a few business ventures my sisters and I started. It was more then enough to keep me busy.

 

Truth be told I was starting to think about dating again. It just happened to be the guy I would start dating would be my ex.

 

Just curious: When did he stop dating other women? Did he know you were starting to think about dating again? Maybe that motivated him to try again, as he might lose you for good when you meet someone?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think that if people do not have anything positive to contribute to what is a positive development then they should keep their peace and remain quiet. Also, I don't get the point of people asking hypothetical questions knowing fully well that the OP is not in a position to answer them. To my mind the OP has run a marathon race and come out a winner. She needs to be complimented on her success and not be beaten down. The fact is that she made a terrible choice in betraying her husband but she paid for it with some serious consequences. Those consequences made her reflect and introspect on the gravity of her faults and helped her work on them to rectify them. I guess that is the important lesson we need to take away from her experience. She did the heavy lifting after suffering the consequences and that is what true remorse is all about. Remorse comes from a realization of the hurt and pain that one has inflicted on another and then to suffer the consequences for it and also to do the hard work to alleviate the hurt and pain that one inflicted on the other by making oneself vulnerable and open to the pain of rejection by the other. Remorse also means loving the person one hurt, enough to hold out hope of being able to reconcile with them even when one has the choice to start afresh with someone else. Remorse is a form of penance. So let us wish the OP all the very best for the future and let her be in peace.

[Sofie2013]

Just curious: When did he stop dating other women? Did he know you were starting to think about dating again? Maybe that motivated him to try again, as he might lose you for good when you meet someone?

 

Well we actually talked about this last two days. I saw the other thread about this topic and it had me curious, so I asked my husband about this. Now he says he didn’t know if I was or wasn’t seeing other people and stopped paying attention to that about a year post divorce. He came to terms with the fact that i would eventually start seeing other since I was single. So according to him me dating didn’t have much to do with anything. Now I don’t know how much I believe him.

 

As for him, I know he was still dating month before we started dating. This kind of bothers me not so much that he dated but who he dated. I know some of the women he dated are extremely beautiful, I’m talking actual supermodel (2 I think). Now i like to think I’m pretty but I’m no supermodel. I find myself comparing myself to them a lot. I know it’s I have to deal with.

[JuneL]

Oh dear, it's totally natural for you to compare. But he was dating them casually only, right? I think you ex-husband probably has had enough of his wild and fun time, and doesn't enjoy his hunting anymore.

 

Well we actually talked about this last two days. I saw the other thread about this topic and it had me curious, so I asked my husband about this. Now he says he didn’t know if I was or wasn’t seeing other people and stopped paying attention to that about a year post divorce. He came to terms with the fact that i would eventually start seeing other since I was single. So according to him me dating didn’t have much to do with anything. Now I don’t know how much I believe him.

 

As for him, I know he was still dating month before we started dating. This kind of bothers me not so much that he dated but who he dated. I know some of the women he dated are extremely beautiful, I’m talking actual supermodel (2 I think). Now i like to think I’m pretty but I’m no supermodel. I find myself comparing myself to them a lot. I know it’s I have to deal with.

[JuneL]

Indeed, I'm also puzzled as to why so many couples would stay in or go back to the big mess of a broken marriage that is full of drama. What was your story? Did you stay after your wife's infidelity? Sounds like you regret that big time. Did you leave eventually? If not, what's stopping you?

 

But Sofie's situation is a rare exception. After her affair, she has been nothing but genuine and loving, and she and her husband have been respectful and loving to each other. When they just got divorced, I was hopeful that his husband may consider getting back together after spending another couple of years playing the field.

 

I feel incredibly sad for your BH. He had it made - he detached from you and was free to start his life without the burden of a cheating wife yet caved in to his need for "comfortable". At least this is how I see it through my eyes and, of course, it's not fair to you or your husband.

 

I can't help but transfer my own feelings and apply my own experiences to your entire story. What you did was incredibly cruel, selfish and beyond hurtful. The thought that any man would decide that it was time to simply overlook your terrible betrayal is unthinkable. To me. Your husband is not me and I hope the two of you are able to make it work and have a great life together. I don't think you can remain faithful to him, but time will tell.

[wmacbride]

Well we actually talked about this last two days. I saw the other thread about this topic and it had me curious, so I asked my husband about this. Now he says he didn’t know if I was or wasn’t seeing other people and stopped paying attention to that about a year post divorce. He came to terms with the fact that i would eventually start seeing other since I was single. So according to him me dating didn’t have much to do with anything. Now I don’t know how much I believe him.

 

As for him, I know he was still dating month before we started dating. This kind of bothers me not so much that he dated but who he dated. I know some of the women he dated are extremely beautiful, I’m talking actual supermodel (2 I think). Now i like to think I’m pretty but I’m no supermodel. I find myself comparing myself to them a lot. I know it’s I have to deal with.

 

I know it might sound weird to say it, but in a way, this is a gift. you know he wants to be with you because he loves you, not because he feels he has no other options.

 

It sounds to me like you two have the potential to build something wonderful.