She flaked - again - not sure now.

[KBarletta]

Cuddling and sleeping with a woman without having sex for a prolonged period of time is something I don't even understand.

 

You're right about a lot of what you said, but it's important to remember that sex isn't always the ultimate end game of every relationship. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's not true. And not having sex for X amount of time does not constitute failure unless your only goal is sex. But, as I said, that is not always the case. For you, maybe it is, but not for everyone.

 

That said, I agree with a good bit of your post. I just want to make sure people remember that there is a broad spectrum of sexuality, intimacy, romance, etc., and not everyone views it or thinks about it the same way you do.

[KBarletta]

After she stood you up like that you should move on. I wouldn't bother responding.

 

You owe her nothing after that slap in the face.

 

She sent a barrage of texts over a few days asking questions about what she did wrong (really?!?!), why I unfriended her, why she hasn't seen me, asking me if I'm OK.

 

I did eventually respond just saying, "I'm OK. But if we're going to talk about this, it should be face to face." And that was it. I won't be initiating any further correspondence.

[Kellens]

This woman sounds like an a***ole. You seem to be a decent guy, I know its hard once you get attached to someone, especially since you've had a long friendship with her. I just don't understand why you would put yourself through this. If one of my "friends" suggested that we throw a party at my house, invites all of our friends, and then just doesn't show up, I would be furious!! She didn't give you a reason why and then posts on social media like nothing happened? That is so infuriating. I would no longer be friends with this person since they have such a lack of respect and empathy for me or any other of my friends.

 

It would be different if she was a great friend but you weren't sure about a relationship but this woman just sucks. She's too old to be acting like a flaky young girl. I've never been in this situation, so I can't pretend to know how you're feeling emotionally, but I do know that you deserve better. Don't accept less because of a pretty face, she is an ugly person. Good luck, I hope you are able to get through this.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Kellens

[KBarletta]

This woman sounds like an a***ole. You seem to be a decent guy, I know its hard once you get attached to someone, especially since you've had a long friendship with her. I just don't understand why you would put yourself through this. If one of my "friends" suggested that we through a party at my house, invites all of our friends, and then just doesn't show up, I would be furious!! She didn't give you a reason why and then posts on social media like nothing happened? That is so infuriating. I would no longer be friends with this person since they have such a lack of respect and empathy for me or any other of my friends.

 

It would be different if she was a great friend but you weren't sure about a relationship but this woman just sucks. She's too old to be acting like a flaky young girl. I've never been in this situation, so I can't pretend to know how you're feeling emotionally, but I do know that you deserve better. Don't accept less because of a pretty face, she is an ugly person. Good luck, I hope you are able to get through this.

 

I mentioned this earlier, but I am now convinced that she has an avoidant attachment disorder. I studied phychology in school (though I don't practice) and have discussed it with classmates who still do. I've read alot about it the past few weeks.

 

Here are some highlights that define that situation (almost ALL of them have her all over them):

 

 

People with Avoidant Attachment styles struggle with intimacy issues. They may create situations that destroy their relationships, albeit unconsciously. They will also pull away from their loved ones when they sense too much closeness.

 

People who have such emotional styles tend to disregard the feelings of others. They also forget their own. They often see expressing emotions as a weakness. It goes without saying that they don’t handle negative situations like awkwardness and failure well.

 

Generally speaking, avoidants do the following things:

 

- Present themselves as extremely independent

- non-committal

- Uncomfortable with deep feelings

- send mixed signals to partners

- prefer casual to intimate sex

- disregard feelings of others

- uncomfortable with intimate situations

- idealize other relationships, not their own

 

So, while I agree that her behavior is unacceptable, I'm not sure I'm ready to toss her aside as just another as**ole just yet. I know she's had some trauma in her past, both in family and romantic relationships. She's flawed. But she also is an extremely loving and warm and giving person, otherwise I wouldn't be falling for her. There's a lot of good about her, despite her actions.

 

That's why I am so torn. She has so many good qualities, most of the time they far outweigh the bad. This was a glaring example of the bad.

[Marc878]

Too much drama.

 

I wouldn’t let that become my problem.

 

Life is way too short

[KBarletta]

Too much drama.

 

I wouldn’t let that become my problem.

 

Life is way too short

 

Funny thing is, until recently there's been no drama at all. But of course that's because we've just been really good friends until a few months ago.

 

I honestly am not sure if I've ever had a relationship that was free of drama, to be honest. I don't seek it out, but it seems to have a way of finding me.

 

In this current case, I just love and care for her so much that I can't imagine my life without her. I want to find a way to make it work, but I also don't want to make myself miserable.

[Marc878]

Back off and let her take the lead for a change if she doesn't there wasn't anything there anyway.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Back off and let her take the lead for a change if she doesn't there wasn't anything there anyway.

 

Agree.

 

OP, you sound like too nice of a man to be treated this way.

[Highndry]

You're right about a lot of what you said, but it's important to remember that sex isn't always the ultimate end game of every relationship. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's not true. And not having sex for X amount of time does not constitute failure unless your only goal is sex. But, as I said, that is not always the case. For you, maybe it is, but not for everyone.

 

That said, I agree with a good bit of your post. I just want to make sure people remember that there is a broad spectrum of sexuality, intimacy, romance, etc., and not everyone views it or thinks about it the same way you do.

 

You're taking my comment completely out of context and you've created a straw man argument. What I was getting at is the fact that once a woman does everything in her power to show you that she wants to have sex with you, which she did, and you don't come through, you've really blown it.

 

You should have never gone back to her place that night if you weren't up for it. It lowered your value to her because she was left yearning, probably wondering why there was a man in her bed who wouldn't have intercourse with her when she did everything short of ripping his clothes off and jumping on top of him. She may have even felt slighted, unattractive, experienced a blow to her confidence or any other number of negatives.

 

When these sorts of failures occur on the part of the man, it's very difficult to impossible to reverse course. The damage is done and the woman moves on to find another guy. IF you get another shot, which is what I was referring to, you better not screw it up, because there's not going to be a 3rd chance. That's really all I was getting at.

 

Insofar as her flaking it's a character issue, but if you and her were an intimate couple I think she would have spent New Years with you, not with some other guy (which seems likely).

[KBarletta]

You're taking my comment completely out of context and you've created a straw man argument. What I was getting at is the fact that once a woman does everything in her power to show you that she wants to have sex with you, which she did, and you don't come through, you've really blown it.

 

You should have never gone back to her place that night if you weren't up for it. It lowered your value to her because she was left yearning, probably wondering why there was a man in her bed who wouldn't have intercourse with her when she did everything short of ripping his clothes off and jumping on top of him. She may have even felt slighted, unattractive, experienced a blow to her confidence or any other number of negatives.

 

When these sorts of failures occur on the part of the man, it's very difficult to impossible to reverse course. The damage is done and the woman moves on to find another guy. IF you get another shot, which is what I was referring to, you better not screw it up, because there's not going to be a 3rd chance. That's really all I was getting at.

 

Insofar as her flaking it's a character issue, but if you and her were an intimate couple I think she would have spent New Years with you, not with some other guy (which seems likely).

 

I would totally agree with this, if it were a traditional romantic relationship that started with us dating. But when you're friends for years, doesn't that change the dynamic. I think it does, at least it does for me. It's not like we met, dated and went to bed and then I rejected her advances. Then, I could totally see her reacting this way. But with a long friendship, I think there are other issues here that are different than just a regular dating-romance-sex scenario.

[KBarletta]

Back off and let her take the lead for a change if she doesn't there wasn't anything there anyway.

 

Good advice, thanks. This is what I have been doing. In our last correspondence, last week, she asked me what was going on and if I was OK. I responded that I was OK and that I would rather talk about things in person. In my mind, the ball is in her court to reach out. If she doesn't, then I think you're right, whatever was there is gone.

[KBarletta]

Agree.

 

OP, you sound like too nice of a man to be treated this way.

 

Thanks. It's funny, there's another thread on here about "nice guys" finishing last, and I've always thought that some men use that cliche as an excuse to behave badly toward women, with the idea that women like "bad guys." I'm not sure if that's true or not. Probably true of *some* people, as everything is.

 

I wonder, though, when people are flaky like this, do they even realize the consequences of their actions? Like she seemed genuinely bewildered by why I would be upset with her.

[Cookiesandough]

I have been reading these boards and countless others for years. Whenever a thread begins with "She flaked" it ALWAYS ends with disappointment. A.L.W.A.Y.S. Sooner of later, even if it takes another date and 20 more pages. My advice for any guy (or girl) who is experience a girl(or guy) flaking, particularly after a first date, and more than once? PLEASE move on. It will not end well. The person is low interest and actually quite impolite. You deserve better!!!

Edited January 20, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Minneloa]

OP, it sounds like you truly care for this person, but can you recognize how shabbily she has treated you? And if she does, in fact, have a personality disorder, that might provide explanatory power, but it doesn't excuse her behavior. Moreover, personality disorders are legendarily treatment-resistant (the elimination of Axis 2 notwithstanding). So either way, you have a damaged person who is neither a good friend to you nor a promising romantic partner, imo. I will echo the previous poster: you deserve better!

[KBarletta]

I have been reading these boards and countless others for years. Whenever a thread begins with "She flaked" it ALWAYS ends with disappointment. A.L.W.A.Y.S. Sooner of later, even if it takes another date and 20 more pages. My advice for any guy (or girl) who is experience a girl(or guy) flaking, particularly after a first date, and more than once? PLEASE move on. It will not end well. The person is low interest and actually quite impolite. You deserve better!!!

 

I know this is true and I know this is what I need to do. It's really hard though when it's not just a regular romantic interests but honestly my best friend. I'm walking away from my best friend. It's a tough one.

[KBarletta]

OP, it sounds like you truly care for this person, but can you recognize how shabbily she has treated you? And if she does, in fact, have a personality disorder, that might provide explanatory power, but it doesn't excuse her behavior. Moreover, personality disorders are legendarily treatment-resistant (the elimination of Axis 2 notwithstanding). So either way, you have a damaged person who is neither a good friend to you nor a promising romantic partner, imo. I will echo the previous poster: you deserve better!

 

Thanks. I do recognize that she has treated me badly. I'm incredibly forgiving to her, to a fault. I have a hard time not melting every time I see her and forgetting all the bad things because I love her so much.

[Highndry]

Thanks. I do recognize that she has treated me badly. I'm incredibly forgiving to her, to a fault. I have a hard time not melting every time I see her and forgetting all the bad things because I love her so much.

 

You are not even dating this woman yet. How do you expect to ever earn her respect when you allow her to walk all over you like this? Your behavior is extremely weak, and is unattractive to most women.

[Marc878]

Thanks. I do recognize that she has treated me badly. I'm incredibly forgiving to her, to a fault. I have a hard time not melting every time I see her and forgetting all the bad things because I love her so much.

 

People learn how they can treat you. You teach them.

 

It's never worth it.