She flaked - again - not sure now.

[Lon Scott]

Man bro...this has to be tough. Maybe giving it time is the best option right now. I know it's gotta be a struggle having the feelings that you have for her. Sounds like your trying to be patient which is awesome. Trust in a relationship is the foundation. Without it's hard to build something that will last...

Also, you may just want to ask her directly about how she is feeling. Maybe this approach will tell you what you need to know and how you can move forward!

Hope this helps!!

[jjgitties]

Thats really weird. Something just doesn't add up. How can you make or initiate plans for something like NYE and then totally not show up or make contact for 4+ days after the fact. Are you sure this feeling or relationship is mutual and is not all just one sided on your part? This sounds a lot more than just "flake".

 

You may want to leave her on social and just unfollow her so you don't actually see updates or posts from her as she posts them and only look at them when you feel like it.

[Interstellar]

As far as the social media goes, don’t bring anything up and act like nothing happened. Like you didn’t unfriend her or anything. Act normal. When you see her in real life then say that you waited for her and she didn’t show up and ask her what happened, listen and let her explain, and if next time she’s not gonna show up again to just let you know that she can’t make it. Just tell her in a nice way without getting upset or angry.

Edited January 5, 2018 by Interstellar

[SpecialJ]

I think you need to talk to her about what you want. Sounds like you're getting anxiety because you never spoke to define the relationship. You're both communicating poorly, and it's making you upset.

 

In my experience, flaking in this way can be the result of bad anxiety issues, substance abuse problems, or general immaturity when it comes to handling being overwhelmed for whatever reason. I suppose it can also be narcissistic, but you'd have already seen a ton of red flags for this if you've been close for so long already. For the people with anxiety, they're usually really embarrassed to talk about it unless they're asked.

 

But again, I have no idea what's up with her. I'd recommend you be honest about what you want, have a direct conversation (in person) about why she flakes like that, and understand that since flaking is (rightly so) a dealbreaker for you, it may be in your best interest to distance yourself from her for a long while until you've moved on and can handle just being friends.

Edited January 5, 2018 by SpecialJ

[smackie9]

Please read this : The Ladder Theory - Ladder Manifestations

[misspalmy]

Lots of fish in the sea. dont let one get u down

[fiskadoro]

Do you think you have established a pattern of her blowing you off, then waltzing back into your life like nothing has happened, and you meekly accept it?

 

I am curious who these "friends" of hers who came to your place for the party were. I hope that they weren't a bunch of freeloaders who came to take advantage of your hospitality... did you have snacks, drinks, etc for the guests? How long did her friends stay, and what was their reaction to her not showing up but being active on social media?

 

Continuing to stay in this drama will further submarine your self-worth. As far as unfriending her, have some spine and don't let her back into your life without effort (totally on her part, not yours!!!) to demonstrate that this sort of thing will not continue.

 

Like another poster, I thought about substance abuse too, but chalking it up to a substance problem or amateur diagnosed mental illness is usually just a cop out to backdoor forgive the person and put up with even worse treatment.

 

What does she contribute to your "relationship" besides her presence? Does she pay for things, buy you gifts, cook for you, etc?

[Chilli]

l dunno , there's usually a reason two people are just friends all those years.

 

She's not into more man , forget that shyt.

It was just a lonely desperate for some cuddles accession for her.

lf you still like her as a friend, maybe this crap will blow over in time , few mths, don't even bother mentioning any of it again, just drop it.

And then maybe down the track you slowly get back to where you were before it started.

Or maybe not.

 

One of mine got sexual when she got drunk one night , nothing happened l told her l wasn't into it but l tried to show her over the next few wks l wasn't too worried about that l know she was drunk.

Eevn though l did suspect right through it was more for her than just friends buttttt.

That was pretty well that.

Things were never the same , l think she was too embarrassed to go back to how things were.

[Iseult]

Hey op, it sounds like she doesn’t know how much you like her and you haven’t done a good job of letting her know. You have to send her a barrage of texts so she knows you’re always thinking of her. And if she doesn’t respond within a few minutes, call her to show that you care and worry about her. You should also install cameras to can keep an eye on her and tell her you’re always watching over her like god and then she’ll probably feel safe and protected. Just make sure they’re hidden so she won’t feel so self-conscious.

[Cooper04]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I've dealt with the same situation. My 'friend' had a messed up childhood, or rather her parents were messed up. She has deep abandonment issues, forming any sort of deep emotional bonds with anyone is a complete no-no for her.

This describes her perfectly really:

(..)) she has an avoidant-attachment personality - meaning that she has difficulty and fear in developing close emotional attachments and places and extremely high value on her own independence and lack of need for close intimate relationships.

 

After 2 years of back and forth, hot and cold, push-pull behaviour, I finally gave up.

We went on holiday together, and the relationship imploded. She basically disappered for 4 months, then came back acting like nothing happened. Refused to discuss the issue, I think because admitting there was a problem would mean she would also admit that this wasn't a casual, superficial thing.

Some people just aren't capable of being in a relationship, and you can't change that.

 

Waiting 4 days to send you a message that ignores the whole issue is so typical. It's not what you want to hear, but my advice is to move on.

[KBarletta]

Do you think you have established a pattern of her blowing you off, then waltzing back into your life like nothing has happened, and you meekly accept it?

 

Up till now, yeah, somewhat.

 

I am curious who these "friends" of hers who came to your place for the party were. I hope that they weren't a bunch of freeloaders who came to take advantage of your hospitality... did you have snacks, drinks, etc for the guests? How long did her friends stay, and what was their reaction to her not showing up but being active on social media?

 

They're mutual friends, so not freeloaders. Everyone there knew both of us. They all thought it was ridiculous she didn't show up. We have a large network of mutual friends.

 

Continuing to stay in this drama will further submarine your self-worth. As far as unfriending her, have some spine and don't let her back into your life without effort (totally on her part, not yours!!!) to demonstrate that this sort of thing will not continue.

 

I agree but I guess I wonder what counts as enough effort to get me to stop ignoring her. It kills me to just ignore her messages.

 

 

What does she contribute to your "relationship" besides her presence? Does she pay for things, buy you gifts, cook for you, etc?

 

Yes she cooks for us regularly and gives gifts etc. I probably pay for dinner/drinks 60/70 percent of the time.

[KBarletta]

Thats really weird. Something just doesn't add up. How can you make or initiate plans for something like NYE and then totally not show up or make contact for 4+ days after the fact. Are you sure this feeling or relationship is mutual and is not all just one sided on your part? This sounds a lot more than just "flake".

 

You may want to leave her on social and just unfollow her so you don't actually see updates or posts from her as she posts them and only look at them when you feel like it.

 

She says she loves me and invites me to bed with her and brings me to family gatherings, so it's not all one sided.

 

I have no ideas on why someone would behave this way. Mental health is a possibility. She does have anxiety and depression in her family history.

 

I honestly think she just treats everything as tentative until something better comes along.

[jjgitties]

She says she loves me and invites me to bed with her and brings me to family gatherings, so it's not all one sided.

 

I have no ideas on why someone would behave this way. Mental health is a possibility. She does have anxiety and depression in her family history.

 

I honestly think she just treats everything as tentative until something better comes along.

 

what do you mean she says she loves you? do you sleep with her or not? there are different types of love.

[KBarletta]

what do you mean she says she loves you? do you sleep with her or not? there are different types of love.

 

She says "I love you."

 

I know there are different types of love but there has to be some feeling there. I don't hear her saying that to other male friends

[jjgitties]

She says "I love you."

 

I know there are different types of love but there has to be some feeling there. I don't hear her saying that to other male friends

 

okay. maybe i need to be krass. did you put your thingy in her thingy? did you guys sleep together and do the dirty?

 

if you have know her for a long time and she said she loves you but you are not sleeping with her -- you are friend zoned man!!!

[KBarletta]

okay. maybe i need to be krass. did you put your thingy in her thingy? did you guys sleep together and do the dirty?

 

if you have know her for a long time and she said she loves you but you are not sleeping with her -- you are friend zoned man!!!

 

Well we were friends for years before anything happened so can you friendzone in that case?

 

We haven't had sex, but we both have made it clear we want to, it's just been recently that we are both single and available.

 

Also I don't really buy the whole friendzone idea because two of my longer-term relationships including a 10 year marriage developed out of long friendships just like this.

[jjgitties]

Well we were friends for years before anything happened so can you friendzone in that case?

 

We haven't had sex, but we both have made it clear we want to, it's just been recently that we are both single and available.

 

Also I don't really buy the whole friendzone idea because two of my longer-term relationships including a 10 year marriage developed out of long friendships just like this.

 

Maybe. But look at you -- you are sitting there trying to decipher her actions? Sometimes there isn't much to decipher. Peoples actions speak louder than their words. It's NYE -- a big event in a year. If I tell a friend I will be there. I will be there. If i cant make it -- i will let my friend and let them know about it. If I tell someone I don't give a **** about that I will be there -- I might or might bail on them if something better comes along and not care. I may or may not call and notify them. But then, again, i am the type of person that if i say i will go somewhere, i will be there. if i dont want to make it and can't be rude about it, i will not give a straight answer.

 

either way, what happened is pretty weird. telling a whole bunch of people that you know and are friends with that you will be at a NYE party and not show up or let anyone know about not showing up.

[KBarletta]

Maybe. But look at you -- you are sitting there trying to decipher her actions? Sometimes there isn't much to decipher. Peoples actions speak louder than their words. It's NYE -- a big event in a year. If I tell a friend I will be there. I will be there. If i cant make it -- i will let my friend and let them know about it. If I tell someone I don't give a **** about that I will be there -- I might or might bail on them if something better comes along and not care. I may or may not call and notify them. But then, again, i am the type of person that if i say i will go somewhere, i will be there. if i dont want to make it and can't be rude about it, i will not give a straight answer.

 

either way, what happened is pretty weird. telling a whole bunch of people that you know and are friends with that you will be at a NYE party and not show up or let anyone know about not showing up.

 

That's why I chose to cut off contact. Sometimes she treats me like the best thing that ever happened to her other times she acts like she couldn't care less. Can't live like that.

[Saracena]

They're mutual friends, so not freeloaders. . We have Everyone there knew both of us. They all thought it was ridiculous she didn't show up.

 

Which is why I'm I can't understand why any of you and you especially, haven't called her out on her behaviour so far. If a friend/boyfriend of mine failed to show up like that, I'd be straight on the phone to find out what was going on!

[jjgitties]

That's why I chose to cut off contact. Sometimes she treats me like the best thing that ever happened to her other times she acts like she couldn't care less. Can't live like that.

 

My own personal philosophy.. some people are the way they are. They don't change. You decide if you want to be around them or not.

[KBarletta]

Which is why I'm I can't understand why any of you and you especially, haven't called her out on her behaviour so far. If a friend/boyfriend of mine failed to show up like that, I'd be straight on the phone to find out what was going on!

 

I did try that night to find out where she was but I got no answer. Was worried about an accident or something until I saw her on Facebook, that's when I unfriended.

 

I've called her out when she's flaked in the past (never quite like this), and things changed for a while. I just don't feel like going over the same territory again and again. She knows what happened. If she apologizes and makes an effort to be better then fine. But I'm not sure I have the emotional energy to keep trying again.

[KBarletta]

OK folks, I'm wondering what advice people have on this --

 

She texted me again today after noticing that we're not FB friends anymore, and asking me why. It was a really friendly note, actually.

 

I am not sure what to say, if anything. I could lay all my cards on the table and tell her I'm falling in love with her, that I was hurt that she blew me off (again) and determined that it would be healthier for me to move on rather than continuing to endure those kinds of mini heartbreaks.

 

Or I could tell her that we need to have a face to face. I don't know if I want to handle this kind of thing in a text exchange. That seems like a bad idea.

 

Or I could just ignore altogether (which seems like a nasty move. She's either legit unaware of how bothered I am by her flaking, or she's acting like she doesn't know. Maybe she's just that dense when it comes to the consequences of her flaking?)

 

I don't want to come off as needy or to make her feel guilty 10 days after the fact. I don't know.

[Highndry]

Cuddling and sleeping with a woman without having sex for a prolonged period of time is something I don't even understand. What are you doing, exactly? That's emotional tampon territory, or like the link from Smackie calls it - "cuddle b!tch." Not a smart move.

 

This woman has told you she wants to have sex with you and you have failed. She was off screwing another guy New Years Eve, you can bank on it. I know you'll make every excuse in the book as to how she wasn't, but you will never know because she's not going to tell you.

 

Getting all deep and emotional with her at this point will do nothing but make you look like a needy loser. You have one option in my opinion, and that's to talk about this in detail, in person, AFTER you have a mad roll in the hay with her. Everything else is just blowing it.

 

PS- If you set everything up and make the move and she rejects you, then you kick her to the curb and move on completely. You have set no good boundaries with this woman and it's time you took the initiative and acted like a man who knows what he wants and goes after it, and has a spine.

Edited January 10, 2018 by Highndry

[Imajerk17]

OP, let's look at what happened here.

 

--She invited you into her bed sometime in the end of November. You and she didn't have sex though.

 

--You and she still haven't had sex by New Years Eve. That is a good month of it still not happening after she gave you the green light and waved you through with that big checkered flag.

 

It seems to me that now she feels awkward around you, and so now she is a lot more flakey in general. And she went and got her physical needs met somewhere else on New Year's Eve.

 

And as far as 'what about your friendship', I think that ended/changed from its previous form, when she asked you to sleep in her bed w her in November. Anyway this is what I think is happening on her end, right or wrong.

Edited January 10, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Marc878]

After she stood you up like that you should move on. I wouldn't bother responding.

 

You owe her nothing after that slap in the face.