From GF to OW

[CrushingHope]

If you actually want to try NC, you should try holding yourself accountable. Just being okay with “caving” isn’t really putting your best door forward. Tell your friends you action plan so they can hold you accountable as well. Post on here

 

I guess I must be "ok" with contacting him because I keep doing it. But feel worse after most of the time. I know it's in my best interest not to talk to him. Even if we have any chance down the road, it would have to be because he had made his own choice to leave her and not because I was reaching out. And I don't have much faith that it would all work out anyway. I hang on so tightly because I'm so afraid that this is my last chance at love. It's so sad to think I will be alone forever.

[Zahara]

I hang on so tightly because I'm so afraid that this is my last chance at love.

 

The sad part is that this isn't even love and he doesn't love you. And you can't see that because you've devalued yourself to such an extent that all you need is crumbs to keep you feasting. If you don't love yourself, you'll seek external validation in the wrong places and stay there because it's all you believe you deserve.

 

Love yourself first. It is what's most important.

 

It's so sad to think I will be alone forever.

 

Don't destroy your future with irrational predictions because you're caught in a defeatist mindset. When you limit yourself, you condition yourself to stay where you are because it feels more comfortable to stay in the rut than venture into the unknown. You fear your life without him -- your life is already without him.

 

Being alone isn't bad at all. I hung onto bad relationships with your mindset. After one last kick up the butt, I decided to venture on my own. As uncomfortable and painful as it was, in time with healing and self-realization, I realized that being alone was much better than being in unstable relationships. And when you become comfortable in your own skin and content in your aloneness, a relationship would be nice but it doesn't become your end all be all. It doesn't become your purpose.

 

Until you find confidence, self-love, contentment and belief in yourself, you'll stay where you are centering your life on the fact that only a man/relationship can make you whole.

 

I think in your situation, the only way you will get out of this is when you've become sick and tired of being sick and tired. For as long hope drives you and the longing to be validated by this man, you'll ride this until the pain of leaving and moving on feels far more tolerable than the pain of staying in this dark hole.

[CrushingHope]

I have been on my own for so long. And sometimes I've been ok with it. I used to have a lot of social activities and interests that kept me going but I always wanted a relationship.

 

I guess this guy swept me off my feet so badly that it made me believe that it was all possible with him and my heart isn't ready to let that idea go.

 

But you're right, I don't value myself enough. I know I don't. It makes me sad to think that but I know it's true and I don't know why. I'm a very good person with a good heart, a great sense of humour and lots to offer anyone. I know that but I still don't believe I'm worthy of having what I want because somehow I'm 43 and haven't found it. It makes me firmly believe that I am the problem here. And the more deadbeats who walk away from me, the more I feel it. I want him to choose me over her because in my head, his choosing a woman like her over me makes me feel even lower a person than she is. And I don't think highly of her at all.

 

I need to help myself. I'm so stuck.

[BluesPower]

This is the question I have been asking myself for almost 2 years. Even before me he had left her a number of times but always goes back. They don't have kids together but she has a kid and he has helped raise her. I have no idea what the draw continues to be. He has said that he worries about what his leaving will do "to the people involved" so I am quite sure he worries for her safety and the daughters safety. He may just love her and not want to leave. But then what would be the purpose of leaving so many times? and now having strong feelings for me has complicated things.

 

I feel like he leaves when she has a really bad drinking episode and something happens to make him think he can't handle it anymore. Then she comes back with promises and empty words and he goes back thinking she will change but she never does.

 

This is big, right here...

 

See, you yourself write the reasons that he will not leave her. You see that his actions do not match his words... and if you dig deeper, you see that he is not trust worthy.

 

His is not going to leave her, and the kid is not even his. So either he is crazy, because who wants to live with that, or he is lying to you.

 

Does that make it any easier to understand why you have to stay NC and move on with your life?

[Zahara]

I have been on my own for so long. And sometimes I've been ok with it. I used to have a lot of social activities and interests that kept me going but I always wanted a relationship.

 

It's normal to want a relationship but not at the extent of losing yourself. I was alone for many years too, but when your need for a relationship blinds you to the point where you're willing to settle for nothing just to have something, it becomes detrimental and sets a bad path for yourself. You have to know when to get out.

 

I guess this guy swept me off my feet so badly that it made me believe that it was all possible with him and my heart isn't ready to let that idea go.

 

I do not mean to dismiss your feelings but this relationship was all about 4 months which included him possibly seeing this other woman as well. Focus on your reality with him. You're clinging to an image -- the good parts during the initial courtship when people don't usually expose their true nature. What he's doing now is who he really is -- is that the man you want as a partner?

 

I want him to choose me over her because in my head, his choosing a woman like her over me makes me feel even lower a person than she is. And I don't think highly of her at all.

 

Turn that around: YOU want to choose a man of good moral character because that is what you deserve. You have a choice.

 

BUT instead you've placed yourself at the bottom of the barrel -- you're competing against a woman you think very little of and for the attention of a man of very poor moral character. This is how you view yourself.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Zahara

[harrybrown]

he is still lying to you and he is still with her.

 

Hope you can go NC and try to meet someone else.

 

that is a wonderful task to finish nursing school. that is not easy.

 

Give yourself more credit. go to match.com or whatever and start texting someone new.

[BaileyB]

It's normal to want a relationship but not at the extent of losing yourself. I was alone for many years too, but when your need for a relationship blinds you to the point where you're willing to settle for nothing just to have something, it becomes detrimental and sets a bad path for yourself. You have to know when to get out.

 

 

 

I do not mean to dismiss your feelings but this relationship was all about 4 months which included him possibly seeing this other woman as well. Focus on your reality with him. You're clinging to an image -- the good parts during the initial courtship when people don't usually expose their true nature. What he's doing now is who he really is -- is that the man you want as a partner?

 

 

 

Turn that around: YOU want to choose a man of good moral character because that is what you deserve. You have a choice.

 

BUT instead you've placed yourself at the bottom of the barrel -- you're competing against a woman you think very little of and for the attention of a man of very poor moral character. This is how you view yourself.

 

This, is a brilliant post. Read it, and reread it until it really sinks in...

 

Pay special attention to the last part. YOU, are placing yourself in the position where you are competing with a woman you think very little of for the attention of a man of very poor moral character. You are playing the "pick me" game when the sad reality is, whoever this man picks will not be the "winner."

 

You will be the "winner" when you decide you are worth more than an unhealthy relationship with this rather awful man.

[CrushingHope]

he is still lying to you and he is still with her.

 

Hope you can go NC and try to meet someone else.

 

that is a wonderful task to finish nursing school. that is not easy.

 

Give yourself more credit. go to match.com or whatever and start texting someone new.

 

I did very well in Nursing school - I finished with the highest overall average and I could barely be proud of that accomplishment because I was so hung up on all of this. It seems I care very little about my accomplishments and focus on my negatives far too much.

 

I have been on online dating sites and even went on a date. But I wasn't ready. I didn't enjoy myself and cried the whole way home thinking of this guy. I really despise online dating so much as it is, and right now I'm not in the right headspace for it. I don't think it would be fair to anyone new to be on there while trying to get over this guy.

 

What do you think he's lying to me about?

[CrushingHope]

 

I do not mean to dismiss your feelings but this relationship was all about 4 months which included him possibly seeing this other woman as well. Focus on your reality with him. You're clinging to an image -- the good parts during the initial courtship when people don't usually expose their true nature. What he's doing now is who he really is -- is that the man you want as a partner?

 

Turn that around: YOU want to choose a man of good moral character because that is what you deserve. You have a choice.

 

BUT instead you've placed yourself at the bottom of the barrel -- you're competing against a woman you think very little of and for the attention of a man of very poor moral character. This is how you view yourself.

 

I know you're right. I just don't know how to turn it around. I know I think very little of myself and am really hard on myself for everything. It's my biggest fault and many people have told me this. I just don't know how to change.

 

You're right. I don't want a guy like the one he's presenting himself to be. I guess I keep thinking that he's this guy because he's not happy in his life. But I guess that's not something that I should be concerning myself with.

 

I want to pick a good guy. I just don't seem to meet anyone like that who is interested in me.

[CrushingHope]

I'm having such a low day. I started my new job and it's horrible. Boring and not at all what I thought it would be. I have begun looking for something else already.

 

It feels like I can't see a brighter future. No matter how many times I've had to start over, it always ends up back to this depressing state. I can't seem to turn things around for myself.

 

I just want to find some contentment and I keep searching endlessly and I can barely see the point of looking anymore.

 

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and feel so helpless.

 

I'm writing here because I don't know where else to turn. I just want a hug so much right now and for someone to tell me that finally things will be ok.

[BluesPower]

Honestly they will...get better, I promise you.

 

I have been where you are at, and you just have to keep moving forward.

 

Try to think about it like this, about the job, you have a job and that is a good thing. And if I am not mistaken, it gets you away from xMM, right.

 

All of that is good...

[CrushingHope]

I know I should be grateful to have this job. And I am, but it's honestly terrible. And it just gives me more time to think about my ex. I was hoping that the job would be a distraction but it's not. And worse, I'm downtown again and that's where he is and I can't help but think about him all day long.

 

It's honestly torture. We talked a few days ago and he said he "wants to be with me but he can't". When I asked him to give me a reason or an explanation or something to help me move on, he didn't respond. Nothing. He wants me to sit here waiting forever.

 

And that's what it feels like I'm doing. I have a stronger desire now not to text him. I guess that will be it.

[FMW]

In my experience the first month or two of any new job is the worst, having to adjust and learn new things in a new environment. If you can make new friends there it will also help you feel better about things and look forward to going in to work.

 

Unfortunately I truly believe as long as you are in any contact with MM you are not going to get any better. It just keeps your wounds open and keeps you hanging on. Only you can put an end to that and I hope you can find the strength and willpower to do that soon.

 

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time with all this.

[CrushingHope]

This job is just a stepping stone. It's a very entry level position in the gov't and I literally have ONE task that I do over and over. It's glorified data entry and not at all what I was led to believe it would be. However, I'm transitioning into the gov't and know i have to start at the bottom. They know how quickly people move out of this position and it's not frowned upon to look for other roles in the hours of down time. So, I've begun already. The team is small and my job has nothing to do with them so it's going to take an extra effort to be friends. But I know I have to try. I just feel so miserable that I don't even want to reach out.

 

I know in my heart that I have to let my ex go. I keep telling myself that he's not who I thought/wanted him to be. I keep trying and trying and trying to let it go but I keep coming back to him. I am feeling like I'm at the place I was before I went to NC last time and lasted for 4 months. I just know he won't answer any of my questions and continuing to reach out makes me look so pathetic. I hope to be able to stop now.

 

It just seems like nothing feels good anymore.

 

How do people deal with this kind of depression without medication?

[CrushingHope]

Just posting here because I have th me overwhelming desire to text him but I know it's in my best interest not to. I'm bored at work and just can't stop hoping to hear from him. I know that's not good for me and I know he hasn't treated me the way I deserve to be treated.

 

I'm really trying to take it one day at a time. Some days are just so much harder than others.

 

It feels like I am never going to be over him.

[CrushingHope]

So the reason that my ex keeps going back to his toxic, alcoholic ex has always been a mystery. He would never be honest with me about why he goes back. A few times he said it was because the reason would make him look bad and he doesn't want me to see him that way. Other times he says he just won't talk about it with me. He would also tell me to trust that it's a living hell over there and that I don't know what it's like....but wouldn't share anymore details.

 

I had always suspected that he, too, was an alcoholic. He never drank with me..maybe a glass of wine once or twice ever. Part of me wondered if he was a drinker with her but came to me and tried to be sober but then couldn't take it anymore and went back to her and that lifestyle. I asked him that a few weeks ago when we were talking. He said "i drink 2 or 3 times a year" and "I barely drank at all with you, how could I be an alcoholic?". I left it because I wanted to believe that was true.

 

Well today I found out that he is absolutely a drinker and just as bad as she is, which I suspected all along. A friend of mine told me...her son is dating my ex's gf's daughter's best friend who is living there temporarily. She said they drink like crazy and get absolutely hammered, have major fights, break up every weekend, yell and swear and are just awful.

 

I do believe that he wants/wanted to be the person he was with me. And I do believe he has strong feelings for me. And I believe that he is probably living a very terrible life right now. But I don't believe he will ever leave her and vice versa. They are toxic and codependent. They had a huge fight on the weekend and she left. And today they're back on, watching tv all day together on the couch.

 

I am so full of emotions right now. I'm angry at him for lying to me but I also know he lied because he wants me to see him that way. I am sad for him for having this problem and for not wanting to fix it badly enough.

They have cheated on each other and lied and just overall have a pretty pathetic life together.

 

I really wish I could say this makes it easier to walk away. I mean, I guess it does a little. I almost instantly no longer believe there is a chance for us.

 

But I'm still mourning the person he presented himself to be.

 

I want to reach out so badly and let him know that I know the truth. Is that a bad idea?

Edited January 31, 2018 by CrushingHope

[Zahara]

I want to reach out so badly and let him know that I know the truth. Is that a bad idea?

 

Yes, that is a bad idea. No matter what his faults are you look the other way and hold out hope and he knows this. It's all futile. He'll give you a bunch of words and you'll eat it.

 

It would be best to focus on your own dysfunction rather than pointing the finger at him. He can't be the person you want him to be or imagine him to be.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrushingHope View Post

I want to reach out so badly and let him know that I know the truth. Is that a bad idea?

 

Why do you want to do this? What is your motive?

[whatcomesnext]

Don’t reach out. He will never give you what you want. As you recognize, he isn’t really the person you believed him to be, so the person you want to feel your pain and understand and do the decent thing doesn’t exist. My situation isn’t nearly as complicated and dysfunctional as this guy’s life, but the few times I hit my pain limit and tried to reach out to my MM I was rewarded with more pain. Not because of what he did or said but because of what he didn’t do and didn’t say. I’m still mourning the loss of hope and the person I thought he was, but I no longer feel the addictive itch to reach out and get him to validate my pain. Because I know he will never do it.

[Zahara]

I do believe that he wants/wanted to be the person he was with me. And I do believe he has strong feelings for me. And I believe that he is probably living a very terrible life right now. But I don't believe he will ever leave her and vice versa. They are toxic and codependent. They had a huge fight on the weekend and she left. And today they're back on, watching tv all day together on the couch.

 

I believe you said he started dating you after exiting a toxic relationship. Well, this is what he likes and is attracted to and no, he wants to be the person he is with her. It is probably the same dynamic he had in his past. That is why he is comfortable and settled with that way of life. A life with you is not as attractive because this man thrives on drama. He wants to be exactly where he is.

 

You note that they are codependent and toxic. How would you describe yourself in this situation? What about you?

 

Being a fixer, we often focus on fixing others when we are the ones that need fixing. It's much easier to avoid our own issues rather than do the hard work and reflect on our own dysfunction. He can't be the partner you want him to be when you yourself are in need of emotional and mental support. So stop breaking your brain about why he doesn't want to fix himself FOR YOU. The question is -- when will you do it for yourself?

 

I'm angry at him for lying to me

 

But he's been lying to you since Day 1. You just choose to deny yourself from seeing your reality because you're caught up with this fantasy/image you've created.

Edited January 31, 2018 by Zahara

[CrushingHope]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrushingHope View Post

I want to reach out so badly and let him know that I know the truth. Is that a bad idea?

 

Why do you want to do this? What is your motive?

 

My motive is to let him know that I know the truth and that if he thinks he can just keep me here in the dark, it's not true. He feels like he can just come back to me when he has a crazy desire to fix himself and then realizes he can't and goes back to her.

 

I know where it stems from. My mom cheated on my dad and I found out and when I confronted her, she lied and denied it. And I wanted to believe her so badly so I let it go. But later I found out I was right. And this kind of thing with him lying to me has me feeling the same desire to let him know I know.

[CantTakeMySmile]

My motive is to let him know that I know the truth and that if he thinks he can just keep me here in the dark, it's not true. He feels like he can just come back to me when he has a crazy desire to fix himself and then realizes he can't and goes back to her.

 

The way to let him know he can’t xome back is to NOT let him come back. No need to contact him.

[CrushingHope]

I believe you said he started dating you after exiting a toxic relationship. Well, this is what he likes and is attracted to and no, he wants to be the person he is with her. It is probably the same dynamic he had in his past. That is why he is comfortable and settled with that way of life. A life with you is not as attractive because this man thrives on drama. He wants to be exactly where he is.

 

You note that they are codependent and toxic. How would you describe yourself in this situation? What about you?

 

Being a fixer, we often focus on fixing others when we are the ones that need fixing. It's much easier to avoid our own issues rather than do the hard work and reflect on our own dysfunction. He can't be the partner you want him to be when you yourself are in need of emotional and mental support. So stop breaking your brain about why he doesn't want to fix himself FOR YOU. The question is -- when will you do it for yourself?

 

 

 

But he's been lying to you since Day 1. You just choose to deny yourself from seeing your reality because you're caught up with this fantasy/image you've created.

 

The toxic relationship has been with her the whole time, there wasn't a different woman at the start. It's always been her.

 

I can't imagine how he wants to be with her. I do believe that he wants to be there because he can be exactly who he is right now and she can't say a word about it because she's exactly the same. But I do strongly think that when he's with me, that's who he really wants to be, but he can't because he doesn't want to admit he's an alcoholic because he knows that's not something that I can be with. If this is not the case, why bother having anything to do with me ever? It doesn't make any sense.

 

I know I need to work on my own issues. I don't deny that at all. There is a reason I have decided that this kind of person is enough for me. In fact, I do know why, I just have to figure out how to change that. And it's not something I know how to do.

 

How can I just start thinking differently about myself? I don't know how. I do want to.

 

I have refrained from reaching out. Ultimately, I do want to have a conversation with him about this but I know I will never be heard by him unless he comes to me first so I'm not going to reach out.

[CrushingHope]

My motive is to let him know that I know the truth and that if he thinks he can just keep me here in the dark, it's not true. He feels like he can just come back to me when he has a crazy desire to fix himself and then realizes he can't and goes back to her.

 

The way to let him know he can’t xome back is to NOT let him come back. No need to contact him.

 

It's not to let him know he can't come back, it's to let him know I know the truth and that he's not able to hide it anymore.

[CantTakeMySmile]

You should look at it as grateful that you have your answer. Letting him know that you know is of no benefit to you. You are using this as an excuse to reach out. I know you see this.