How often are we wrong

[jay12]

Even IF you had a smoking gun now - would you change and confront her?

 

You've had that smoking gun many times throughout the years but didn't do one thing to change things. You think you might change things now? I don't think so.

 

You seem to have your basic needs covered and that looks like it enough for you not to look for the truth. Am I right?

 

 

Over the years - why haven't you asked your best friend?

 

I still see him and his wife occasionally and it would just not be a good conversation as he would just deny it, since we both know he has had sex with any lady who would let him yet he denies that as well. My concern would be that the conversation would be a hot topic by a large group of our friends very quickly.

That doesn't get us anywhere.

[OneLov]

I meant it would be unbearable relative to this situation.

 

OP's willful denial is a form of rug-sweeping. He has seemingly already forgiven her. If he wants to communicate and attempt to rebuild a relationship with his wife that's great. But if he's going to rug-sweep it; it's going to eat him alive on the inside for years. If OP is seriously not ready to do anything and rug-sweep, I cannot see how finding undeniable proof would make the situation better for him. IMO, that would be the worst outcome.

[ShatteredLady]

Will you answer my questions about where they said they went at the marina & if your group of friends naturally go off together (each time you listed you were unavailable to go with her). Would you go off (innocently) with your bf wife?

 

I know I'm really stretching it here but we are on an infidelity forum & he's listing a couple of moments from a life. When younger I've gone out to get more drink etc with male friends & I've NEVER cheated.

 

Her knickers mean nothing as another member pointed out.

Her abortion was early on. He can't remember when they had sex. Maybe at that time she wasn't sure the marriage would last.

 

When I first came here a lot of members jumped in saying "Of course he's cheating!" when I didn't even suggest it. They were 100% correct. I think the members here always have been correct in every case I've read but.......

 

Oh I know!!!

[GorillaTheater]

You are absolutely right, fear is the driving force here. I am to old to start over financially and any thought of a somewhat comfortable retirement would be swept out with the costs of the divorce and the subsequent support costs.

I really don't think she is active with anyone else currently, and life is pretty good.

If we hashed everything out and then decided to stay together, I am not sure how much further ahead would we be than where we are right now.

You have to understand, this has been my life for 25 years, and it has been 95% good.

Also, we are both aging, and that also seems to make a difference.

She did make a comment last year or so regarding how we are getting older and our wilder days are behind us.

 

 

Dude, I know first hand about fear. I came to LS in 2009. At that point I had just "celebrated" my 25th anniversary and was 46 years old. I put "celebrated" in quotes because it suddenly became pretty obvious that things were really, really off in our marriage. It dawned on me how withdrawn my wife was, and she was saying some things that were really odd, like appearing to be concerned that I was cheating (!). I mean, where the hell did THAT come from?

 

 

I turned on-line, and some of the stuff I was finding indicated to me that an affair on HER part was a possibility. I went into an emotional tailspin, kind of a low-level panic attack that lasted for a while. Why? The kind of fear I was talking about. But I processed it and over time got rid of the fear by doing just what I suggested.

 

 

I never had enough evidence of infidelity, certainly far less than you have right now, to make a decision to end my marriage (although some it still looks kind of sketchy). I focused on my end of things instead, and Lord knows I had enough to work on. But I reached the point, and am still there, where if I had sufficient grounds I'd calmly bite the bullet and divorce, and accept the fallout.

 

 

It's a good place to be, being able to deal with these issues from a position of strength instead of fear.

[jay12]

Will you answer my questions about where they said they went at the marina & if your group of friends naturally go off together (each time you listed you were unavailable to go with her). Would you go off (innocently) with your bf wife?

 

I know I'm really stretching it here but we are on an infidelity forum & he's listing a couple of moments from a life. When younger I've gone out to get more drink etc with male friends & I've NEVER cheated.

 

Her knickers mean nothing as another member pointed out.

Her abortion was early on. He can't remember when they had sex. Maybe at that time she wasn't sure the marriage would last.

 

When I first came here a lot of members jumped in saying "Of course he's cheating!" when I didn't even suggest it. They were 100% correct. I think the members here always have been correct in every case I've read but.......

 

Oh I know!!!

 

Sorry, I missed your question about the marina. It is a huge marina with over 500 boats and it was after 2AM and everyone had beenvdrinking. I do not know wjere they ended up.

[Buckeye2]

Do you realize that it’s the norm for people to keep quiet and not say anything to their friend about their spouse having an affair even when they have proof? This is even truer when they’re friends of the couple.

 

 

You have friends coming out of the woodwork to tell you. She either is or was having an affair. I don’t think that you really care down deep.

 

 

You just posted to take a poll.

 

 

I think that your wife likes you. You’re her sweet naïve lug that doesn’t have a clue. The sex once a week is probably even better than it otherwise would be because she feels that she owes that to you.

 

 

If you get proof and confront her you have made it quite clear that you will still stay with her. The sex may not be as good then.

 

 

Instead of being seen as the trusting guy that doesn’t have a clue to friends and family you will be the guy that stayed married to his wife after years of her fooling around.

 

 

Do nothing. Stay her sweet naïve lug. Enjoy the sex.

[S2B]

YOU placed this thread in the infidelity section...which means you absolutely know what she's done.

 

You just don't care enough to change anything.

 

You've made that decision long ago to keep eating that **** sandwich she keeps feeding you.

 

How sad.

 

And don't for one minute think the kids don't see what she does - kids always notice.

[Cephalopod]

I just can't believe what I'm reading. This is unreal. That any self-respecting man would put up with this kind of disrespect just to preserve his nest-egg....

[ChickiePops]

I just can't believe what I'm reading. This is unreal. That any self-respecting man would put up with this kind of disrespect just to preserve his nest-egg....

 

I don't necessarily agree with this. Not everyone has the same priorities as you (or I, because I wouldn't, and didn't, tolerate cheating either). He has every right to be more concerned about money than about his marriage..that's his prerogative and who are we to judge him on that?

 

 

But the fact remains that he did post this thread, and he did place it in the infidelity section..so it clearly does bother him.

 

Jay, confronting someone about infidelity doesn't automatically mean divorce. Perhaps the two of you could discuss opening up your marriage instead. It's up to you, if you don't mind that she's sleeping with other guys (and it really, really sounds like she is), then more power to you.

 

 

But as I said, you really should go get tested for STI's, and if you are going to stay with your wife, you should either use condoms, or make sure that she uses them with the other men she's with. You're taking a huge risk if you don't.

[jay12]

YOU placed this thread in the infidelity section...which means you absolutely know what she's done.

 

You just don't care enough to change anything.

 

You've made that decision long ago to keep eating that **** sandwich she keeps feeding you.

 

How sad.

 

And don't for one minute think the kids don't see what she does - kids always notice.

 

I do know that the two girls have absolutely no idea that I have suspicions about their mother. I am close to both of them and we talk a lot.

It would be a shock that would crumble their world if I was to tell them any of this.

[stillafool]

It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.

Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.

If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

?

 

If you really feel this way why come to LS and stir up all of this stuff in your mind? Why not just keep going and thinking as you are?

[jay12]

I don't necessarily agree with this. Not everyone has the same priorities as you (or I, because I wouldn't, and didn't, tolerate cheating either). He has every right to be more concerned about money than about his marriage..that's his prerogative and who are we to judge him on that?

 

 

But the fact remains that he did post this thread, and he did place it in the infidelity section..so it clearly does bother him.

 

Jay, confronting someone about infidelity doesn't automatically mean divorce. Perhaps the two of you could discuss opening up your marriage instead. It's up to you, if you don't mind that she's sleeping with other guys (and it really, really sounds like she is), then more power to you.

 

I am not really interested in opening up our marriage, as I do not have any inclination to start a relationship with another woman.

Wouldn't even know where to start, and can not imagine any woman who would believe me if I said"my wife and I have an agreement about ****ing around".

And then of course their is nothing in it for any other woman.

[stillafool]

Do you realize that it’s the norm for people to keep quiet and not say anything to their friend about their spouse having an affair even when they have proof? This is even truer when they’re friends of the couple.

 

 

You have friends coming out of the woodwork to tell you. She either is or was having an affair. I don’t think that you really care down deep.

 

 

You just posted to take a poll.

 

 

I think that your wife likes you. You’re her sweet naïve lug that doesn’t have a clue. The sex once a week is probably even better than it otherwise would be because she feels that she owes that to you.

 

 

If you get proof and confront her you have made it quite clear that you will still stay with her. The sex may not be as good then.

 

 

Instead of being seen as the trusting guy that doesn’t have a clue to friends and family you will be the guy that stayed married to his wife after years of her fooling around.

 

 

Do nothing. Stay her sweet naïve lug. Enjoy the sex.

 

I imagine those friends didn't want to say anything to him about his wife; but have probably watched the two of them for a while and were wondering if OP even had a clue by his inaction. It probably sickened them to the point that they had to say something to OP.

[aliveagain]

Jay there are many things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men would be at the top of my list. Things can be replaced, unbreaking your vows not so easy. The least you should do is talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and how to protect your things. You have 61 responses of advice, almost all telling you the same thing. What are going to do with the advice?

[GoldenR]

I suggest addressing the elephant in the room now. It's better now than later. I read another thread recently, not sure if it was here, where a BH waited 35 years to confront, and due to the decades of stewing over it, he wound up leaving even though WW was all about R. My point is, as long as you are wondering about it, the longer you go without commenting it, the more resentment you wind up with.

 

I wish you luck.

[S2B]

I do know that the two girls have absolutely no idea that I have suspicions about their mother. I am close to both of them and we talk a lot.

It would be a shock that would crumble their world if I was to tell them any of this.

 

Don't be so sure. They may know themselves but not say anything to you.

 

They may have seen what she does over the years... And learned from you to just stay silent.

 

Most likely they noticed... Most likely they've said nothing.

 

This is the example you set for them.

 

You are the willing victim. Have you ever explored that concept with a counselor?

[S2B]

What are the dynamics of the friendship with the guy who was accused of an affair with your wife?

 

What does that friendship look like for you? What does he say when you're with him?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Don't be so sure. They may know themselves but not say anything to you.

 

They may have seen what she does over the years... And learned from you to just stay silent.

 

Most likely they noticed... Most likely they've said nothing.

 

This is the example you set for them.

 

You are the willing victim. Have you ever explored that concept with a counselor?

 

Read this again over and over and let it sink in Jay. You are a shining example to your daughters. So now if they wind up with a cheater, they will do what you taught them as a parent, stay silent. Let it happen. Don't rock the boat. Just continue on as if nothing is wrong.

 

People keep saying this, obviously you posted here for a reason. It's eating away at you. Why wouldn't it?

 

Can you answer this please, are you fine with it if she has slept with other men throughout your marriage? Are you totally cool with this?

[Buckeye2]

I imagine those friends didn't want to say anything to him about his wife; but have probably watched the two of them for a while and were wondering if OP even had a clue by his inaction. It probably sickened them to the point that they had to say something to OP.

 

I agree. It was so overt that they couldn't stand it any longer.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

then of course their is nothing in it for any other woman.

 

Tell that to your wife! Obviously she found something in having sex on the side!

 

Dude you keep making excuses for yourself. It's bugging you, but you keep making excuses to not do anything and stand up for yourself. At least get in to individual counseling! Why do you have no faith in yourself and your resiliency? Why do you just let other walk on you? Why can't you take a stand against something that is upsetting you? These are huge issues to address. It's not like there is ever a day when it's time to stop growing as a person! There is no age limits!

 

How can someone who is obviously not completely apathetic, as you have built a comfortable life which takes hard work, so apathetic in THIS department? It just does not register for me. I just don't get it.

[CupCakess]

It is understandable, that you don't want to think she is cheating cause you love her. But most signs re pointing to her cheating though. She probably cheated when you guys were young (during her party time) and realised you were clueless, so she had no real threat that would make her stop.

 

You mentioned your marriage is sexless. In most cases, it is because someone is usually getting sex outside the marriage. Furthermore, your "friend" sounds like a dirtbag that constantly cheats on his wife. If he betrays his wife, why wouldn't he betray you?

[wmacbride]

Maybe I am wrong, but I do get the sense that the op loves his wife, and facing the fact that she is cheating on him is really hard for him to do.

 

I understand the feeling. it's a hard thing to face that the person you love, and who you thought loves you, would treat you in this way.

 

Either that, or the op is the type of person to whom fidelity isn't that important in a partner.

 

 

Op, either way, if I were in your shoes, I would talk to her. That way, you know where you stand. if she is cheating, or if she has, you will have your concern addressed and then the two of you can move on in whatever way is best for you both.

 

If you are okay with her having sex outside of your marriage, then once again, you'll both know where you stand, and you can begin to craft and understanding about what an open marriage will look like for both of you. It could also include you sleeping with other women outside of your marriage, if that is something you want to do.

 

As it stands right now, the level of disrespect she is showing your marriage and commitment is troubling. That she can lie to your face on go on in her life while sleeping around is also troubling. I don't know how you can trust someone who would do that for this long with so little scruples about doing so. Someone who is a serial ws doesn't tend to chnage unless faced with an overwhelming reason for doing so. Right now, she doesn't have one.

Edited September 2, 2016 by wmacbride

[jay12]

It is understandable, that you don't want to think she is cheating cause you love her. But most signs re pointing to her cheating though. She probably cheated when you guys were young (during her party time) and realised you were clueless, so she had no real threat that would make her stop.

 

You mentioned your marriage is sexless. In most cases, it is because someone is usually getting sex outside the marriage. Furthermore, your "friend" sounds like a dirtbag that constantly cheats on his wife. If he betrays his wife, why wouldn't he betray you?

 

Actually our marriage is not sexless and we still usually have sex at least once a week, some times more when we are on vacation or week days when we are less stressed due to work.

Friend is likely a dirtbag based on how he treated his wife and kids when spending time at bars looking for other women.

[jay12]

Maybe I am wrong, but I do get the sense that the op loves his wife, and facing the fact that she is cheating on him is really hard for him to do.

 

If you are okay with her having sex outside of your marriage, then once again, you'll both know where you stand, and you can begin to craft and understanding about what an open marriage will look like for both of you. It could also include you sleeping with other women outside of your marriage, if that is something you want to do.

 

As it stands right now, the level of disrespect she is showing your marriage and commitment is troubling. That she can lie to your face on go on in her life while sleeping around is also troubling. I don't know how you can trust someone who would do that for this long with so little scruples about doing so. Someone who is a serial ws doesn't tend to chnage unless faced with an overwhelming reason for doing so. Right now, she doesn't have one.

 

Yes of course I still love my wife, and no I am not interested in sex with other women. Also if I was to suspect that she was in a current relationship outside our marriage, I would step in to halt it.

The last suspected time that she had sex with another man is now 2 years ago.

[oldshirt]

Yes of course I still love my wife, and no I am not interested in sex with other women. Also if I was to suspect that she was in a current relationship outside our marriage, I would step in to halt it.

The last suspected time that she had sex with another man is now 2 years ago.

 

Why should anyone, including your W, think that you would step in to halt an affair? You haven't in 25 years, why would anyone think you would now?

 

That's why she has been screwing around like a single woman for 25 years - because she can.