Need guidance with my situation :)

[Maggie4]

How else is she supposed to handle it?

She said she was done, now he is trying to get her to talk and she doesn't feel there is anything to talk about.

Yes, she could spend an hour on the phone, meet him for coffee, discuss it for weeks, or months but she is still done, so what is the point?

Dumpers cannot afford to be warm and fuzzy, as warm and fuzzy gives dumpees hope and that is the last thing a dumper wants to do.

 

Elaine, you think she has good reason to dump him. I don't.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think the situation is pretty much done. I got a text back saying she was down the beach with friends and what I wanted. I said no problems it can wait until you get home. Received a text to say she was home but not sure there was anything to talk about, so called and no answer, text when to say was a good time to call back. She again replied with “not sure what there is to talk about”, then she called when I was at dinner and went to answer and just missed the call by half a second. I called back and she didn’t answer, then I received a text saying “sorry I don’t think I can deal with this”.

 

I’ve left it at that and I think it’s pretty much done and I’ll leave the ball in her court now. I know she cares otherwise why let me know she was home and called me back? She is clearly hurt and I made some mistakes, but I don’t think I can keep pushing her now.

 

"Leave the ball in her court", how weak is that! Sorry, but it is. Aren't you the one trying to win her back?

 

You say you want to talk, finally get her on the phone, then say we can talk later, then proceed to play the miss call dance. No wonder she has had enough.

 

You aren't showing nearly enough initiative or romantic gestures, like I suggested. You are just convincing her that you are just wasting her time. The worst possible thing to do if you are trying to convince her the opposite.

 

Either make a strong declaration or stop wasting her time. Seriously, I can tell from her responses that she is still hung up on you but is losing interest fast. I don't blame her.

 

You probably have one shot left, but that's it. Don't blow it!

 

Send her flowers with a note telling her how much you care and how special she is (make it a romantic bunch, not cheap fricken carnations), I'm serious!

 

Texting or calls aren't going to work. Sweep her off her feet. Make the effort!

[AussieGuy2018]

"Leave the ball in her court", how weak is that! Sorry, but it is. Aren't you the one trying to win her back?

 

You say you want to talk, finally get her on the phone, then say we can talk later, then proceed to play the miss call dance. No wonder she has had enough.

 

You aren't showing nearly enough initiative or romantic gestures, like I suggested. You are just convincing her that you are just wasting her time. The worst possible thing to do if you are trying to convince her the opposite.

 

Either make a strong declaration or stop wasting her time. Seriously, I can tell from her responses that she is still hung up on you but is losing interest fast. I don't blame her.

 

You probably have one shot left, but that's it. Don't blow it!

 

Send her flowers with a note telling her how much you care and how special she is (make it a romantic bunch, not cheap fricken carnations), I'm serious!

 

Texting or calls aren't going to work. Sweep her off her feet. Make the effort!

 

 

I never got her on the phone, she refused to answer. Unfortunately I don’t have her address to send flowers and I’m not going to send them to her work and put her in that situation in front of her co-workers.

 

When someone says “I can’t deal with this”, it’s pretty hard to keep pushing her to talk. I know she still cares...

[JimmyNYC]

Dating is a test of compatibility, you rarely get a second chance, you do not get to be a mediocre, low interest date and then rely on picking up the pieces afterwards.

 

This is the best advice i've ever seen. It is 1000% spot on. Attraction can be there, sex can be there but in the end "Dating IS a test of compatibility". And sometimes despite other things being there we are just NOT compatible. I broke it off with a girl I was in love with because after 2 months of dating we were just not compatible. I think your girl was feeling the incompatibility and was looking into the future and decided it's not worth the effort for her.

 

You can TRY to win her back but unfortunately I think the damage has been done and may be irreparable.

[AussieGuy2018]

So she sent me a message at 12.02am wishing me all the happiness in the world in 2018.

 

I’m just so confused...I feel like she’s playing games now. We had numerous opportunities to talk and she refused and then get a NY text.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I never got her on the phone, she refused to answer. Unfortunately I don’t have her address to send flowers and I’m not going to send them to her work and put her in that situation in front of her co-workers.

 

When someone says “I can’t deal with this”, it’s pretty hard to keep pushing her to talk. I know she still cares...

 

I thought she contacted you back and you said you would contact her when she got back, and that was when you kept missing each other's calls until she gave up and said she could deal with it anymore, out of frustration.

 

So she sent me a message at 12.02am wishing me all the happiness in the world in 2018.

 

I’m just so confused...I feel like she’s playing games now. We had numerous opportunities to talk and she refused and then get a NY text.

 

Obviously she cares and is still thinking about you, but she is also frustrated by the whole thing!

 

Tell her you want to meet her briefly somewhere, and that it is important. Once she has agreed, get the flowers and use the opportunity to let her know you care. Seriously, no more excuses. Just do it.

 

The window won't be open long, you need to do it now!

Edited December 31, 2017 by Scarlett.O'hara

[TheOnlyOne73]

So she sent me a message at 12.02am wishing me all the happiness in the world in 2018.

 

I’m just so confused...I feel like she’s playing games now. We had numerous opportunities to talk and she refused and then get a NY text.

 

 

Exactly, she refused to talk properly about things via a phone call because she wasn't interested in pursuing this further. However, she was able to send a flimsy, half-hearted, generic NY text as a final farewell. She may genuinely wish you well and be sending you on your way, or as you say, she may be playing games now.

 

If it's the latter, you don't want someone who won't communicate like an adult, plays games and makes dating this complicated before you've even left the ground.

 

I think she isn't playing games and is done as she told you she "couldn't deal with this." Take her at her word.

 

Reply and simply wish her a happy New Year back then leave it at that. Remain polite and cordial, no flirting or hidden meaning. If she replies and tries to initiate further conversation, don't reply (interpret it as breadcrumbs unless she actually says something of substance regarding the two of you and your current situation).

 

All the best for 2018!

[mikeylo]

Taking slow is always best BUT you need to show interest and it does need to evolve and move forward.

 

Taking slow with low interest and it not moving forward or evolving into something, speaks loud enough to hear —> not interested

[AussieGuy2018]

I thought she contacted you back and you said you would contact her when she got back, and that was when you kept missing each other's calls until she gave up and said she could deal with it anymore, out of frustration.

 

 

 

Obviously she cares and is still thinking about you, but she is also frustrated by the whole thing!

 

Tell her you want to meet her briefly somewhere, and that it is important. Once she has agreed, get the flowers and use the opportunity to let her know you care. Seriously, no more excuses. Just do it.

 

The window won't be open long, you need to do it now!

 

 

 

She text back after my missed call saying she was at the beach and couldn’t talk, then 6 hours later said she was home and then I called and she wouldn’t answer.

 

I will send her a message and ask to see her briefly for coffee and take some flowers if she agrees.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

She text back after my missed call saying she was at the beach and couldn’t talk, then 6 hours later said she was home and then I called and she wouldn’t answer.

 

I will send her a message and ask to see her briefly for coffee and take some flowers if she agrees.

 

Fantastic! Try and schedule it soon and tell her it is important. It is much better to try and discuss these sorts of things in person.

 

I really hope you guys are able to figure it out somehow. However, if it doesn't go to plan, at least you don't have to live with that "what if" looming over your head.

 

Good luck, Aussie Guy!

[Interstellar]

Hi all,

 

First time poster on these forums that clearly help a lot of people and I am pretty desperate for some advice because I’m so lost right now.

 

I have been single for 9 months and I meet this great girl out one night about 5-6 weeks ago. We hit it off straightaway and we have either spoke on the phone or texted everyday all day since...until the last couple of days.

 

This girl was moving a lot quicker than me with her feelings and she told me a few times and was quite obvious how much she liked me. I acknowledged her feelings, but I didn’t give a lot back. I thought my actions of going on a few dates and talking everyday showed that I was reciprocating, although a little slower.

 

I was hurt pretty badly in my last relationship with lies and judgement etc etc and this is he first girl I’ve liked since that relationship. This is the reason why I was taking it slow to make sure if I was going to jump in, that I was sure it was right thing to do. I was pretty much a closed book and although she tried to get me to open up, I just didn’t know how even though I wanted to. I didn’t show her a lot of affection, but I was getting to that point and she has taken that I am not that interested. I’ve made a few mistakes here I know.

 

Over the last couple of days I have told her how I feel about her as I thought she was getting quite frustrated. Although I have told her how I feel, she said it’s probably too late and that she has now shut down and finished it off with “I don’t think we are compatible”. I disagree and I don’t believe her when she says that because we are very compatible and I don’t believe her feelings can do a 180 so quickly.

 

I said to her that I have to accept her decision and I will try to leave her be in the hope that I would hear from her again in a few days. That hasn’t happened and I’m afraid that I won’t hear from her and I’ve left my run so to speak to late in reciprocating feelings. The thing that is hurting to is that if she hasn’t given me the opportunity to explain why I’ve been closed, she might understand me a little more. She said she’s been waiting from the start and now it’s too late.

 

For 3-4 straight days I’ve played so many situations and possible things I could say to her through my mind, should I contact her or just wait for her (if I hear from her at all)...just really lost on what to do?? A friend said to wait to see if she contacts me, another said if I like her what have I got to lose and fight for her. She has been checking my Instagram stories and she has been posting more than usual too, but unsure if this means anything either?

 

Any thoughts or advice would be most appreciated. I think the only thing we aren’t compatible in is the speed in which our feelings were moving and I can certainly understand why she got frustrated and it’s now at this point. I want to open up to her because I think it is something that can develop into something.

 

Look forward to hearing from you in guiding my through this

 

Cheers!!

 

Meh. Sounds like this girl has issues. You’ve only been dating for a few weeks. What does she want? for you to tell her how much you love her every five minutes? I would’ve turn it into humor and kid her around. I’d say something like “Okay honey, I’m gonna make a huge deposit in your love bank right now. Are you ready? then say I love you, I love you, I love you ( (at least 100 times to her).” I’d say it with a smile. Kinda like the way The Rock would. Then observe her reaction. But I’m pretty sure she’d grow more uptight and insecure. Because she is. Can you live with someone like her for the next forty years? you dodged a bullet here my friend, as far as I’m concerned. The reason you want to go after her is because she rejected you. It’s an aphrodisiac. But don’t.

 

It’s perfectly fine for you to go slow with her. You’re supposed to go slow with a woman.

 

She’s insecure and she has issues. I would never contact her again. It’s best to let this one go. Block her number, and her social media. If she contacts you tell her you have a date in the bathroom and that you can’t speak to her. Then block her.

 

Next time don’t let your interest level creep up in the high 80’s.

Edited January 1, 2018 by Interstellar

[salparadise]

I think the situation is pretty much done. I got a text back saying she was down the beach with friends and what I wanted. I said no problems it can wait until you get home. Received a text to say she was home but not sure there was anything to talk about, so called and no answer, text when to say was a good time to call back. She again replied with “not sure what there is to talk about”, then she called when I was at dinner and went to answer and just missed the call by half a second. I called back and she didn’t answer, then I received a text saying “sorry I don’t think I can deal with this”.

 

I’ve left it at that and I think it’s pretty much done and I’ll leave the ball in her court now. I know she cares otherwise why let me know she was home and called me back? She is clearly hurt and I made some mistakes, but I don’t think I can keep pushing her now.

 

She's intentionally making it a lot more difficult than it needs to be or should be. What you should probably accept is that even if you were to get things going again, this is the way she is and any relationship would be more of the same.

 

She has some rigid expectations that you can't meet because you can't read minds, and even if you could who wants to dedicate their entire existence to placating a woman who is this difficult and determined to be unhappy.

 

In the beginning I think she wanted you to pursue with maximum diligence, but she made the mistake of showing her hand first, and when you weren't ready her pride was hurt. Now she's angry/resentful and is giving you just enough to get you to jump through hoops. She has turned antagonistic and cannot equilibrate and allow it to work.

 

I think you should just let her go (and I don't usually advise giving up easily). There's just not going to be any peace or satisfaction with this one.

[spiderowl]

She doesn't seem to be very understanding. Once you kissed her, she effectively criticised by saying you'd waited long enough. It is possible for someone to be welcoming and encouraging but at the same time to appear critical. Maybe you were reticent for a reason. Maybe you didn't quite trust her. Maybe that was right.

 

If you do want a girl, you need to show her you care and are interested in her as a whole person. You should be able to take that at a comfortable pace. If you appear to be 'going through the motions' but your feelings do not match, then that might be why she gave up. She could have given up because she is an impulsive, impatient person. Is that the sort of person you would have felt comfortable with.

 

There does not seem to be any point in chasing her further. You have tried to contact her a few times and she has not picked up. She could try and contact you too. If she has given up or finds it too difficult for her, then forget her. It sounds like both of you have reached a point of discomfort and, for whatever reason, the starts are just not lining up for you.

[AussieGuy2018]

Exactly, she refused to talk properly about things via a phone call because she wasn't interested in pursuing this further. However, she was able to send a flimsy, half-hearted, generic NY text as a final farewell. She may genuinely wish you well and be sending you on your way, or as you say, she may be playing games now.

 

If it's the latter, you don't want someone who won't communicate like an adult, plays games and makes dating this complicated before you've even left the ground.

 

I think she isn't playing games and is done as she told you she "couldn't deal with this." Take her at her word.

 

Reply and simply wish her a happy New Year back then leave it at that. Remain polite and cordial, no flirting or hidden meaning. If she replies and tries to initiate further conversation, don't reply (interpret it as breadcrumbs unless she actually says something of substance regarding the two of you and your current situation).

 

All the best for 2018!

 

 

I think I’m going to take your advice and take her at her word. I replied with Hapoy New Year and haven’t heard back. I know she still cares because she called me when she knew I wanted to speak with her but unfortunate missed the call.

Her pride has been hurt because she was moving faster than me and this has caused her to shut down. If I hear from her I do, if not it wasn’t meant to be.

[AussieGuy2018]

She doesn't seem to be very understanding. Once you kissed her, she effectively criticised by saying you'd waited long enough. It is possible for someone to be welcoming and encouraging but at the same time to appear critical. Maybe you were reticent for a reason. Maybe you didn't quite trust her. Maybe that was right.

 

If you do want a girl, you need to show her you care and are interested in her as a whole person. You should be able to take that at a comfortable pace. If you appear to be 'going through the motions' but your feelings do not match, then that might be why she gave up. She could have given up because she is an impulsive, impatient person. Is that the sort of person you would have felt comfortable with.

 

There does not seem to be any point in chasing her further. You have tried to contact her a few times and she has not picked up. She could try and contact you too. If she has given up or finds it too difficult for her, then forget her. It sounds like both of you have reached a point of discomfort and, for whatever reason, the starts are just not lining up for you.

 

When she questioned me about the timing of the kiss, I got kinda pissed off and got defensive and that’s when she started to pull away, which to be honest I think is quite unfair considering how I tried to improve her Xmas because she was having a crap one.

[AussieGuy2018]

She's intentionally making it a lot more difficult than it needs to be or should be. What you should probably accept is that even if you were to get things going again, this is the way she is and any relationship would be more of the same.

 

She has some rigid expectations that you can't meet because you can't read minds, and even if you could who wants to dedicate their entire existence to placating a woman who is this difficult and determined to be unhappy.

 

In the beginning I think she wanted you to pursue with maximum diligence, but she made the mistake of showing her hand first, and when you weren't ready her pride was hurt. Now she's angry/resentful and is giving you just enough to get you to jump through hoops. She has turned antagonistic and cannot equilibrate and allow it to work.

 

I think you should just let her go (and I don't usually advise giving up easily). There's just not going to be any peace or satisfaction with this one.

 

Unfortunate I think you may be right. I absolutely believe her pride has been hurt and it’s not a deal breaker to go at different speeds in the first four weeks. With her not giving me the opportunity to explain my feelings or explain I was taking it slower than her really annoys me because it seems everything is on her terms.

[Mkn1010]

Meh. Sounds like this girl has issues. You’ve only been dating for a few weeks. What does she want? for you to tell her how much you love her every five minutes? I would’ve turn it into humor and kid her around. I’d say something like “Okay honey, I’m gonna make a huge deposit in your love bank right now. Are you ready? then say I love you, I love you, I love you ( (at least 100 times to her).” I’d say it with a smile. Kinda like the way The Rock would. Then observe her reaction. But I’m pretty sure she’d grow more uptight and insecure. Because she is. Can you live with someone like her for the next forty years? you dodged a bullet here my friend, as far as I’m concerned. The reason you want to go after her is because she rejected you. It’s an aphrodisiac. But don’t.

 

It’s perfectly fine for you to go slow with her. You’re supposed to go slow with a woman.

 

She’s insecure and she has issues. I would never contact her again. It’s best to let this one go. Block her number, and her social media. If she contacts you tell her you have a date in the bathroom and that you can’t speak to her. Then block her.

 

Next time don’t let your interest level creep up in the high 80’s.

 

 

I actually have to agree with this whole post (and coming from a 31 year old Aussie woman).

 

 

I really don't agree with what others have said here about what "women want" in terms of moving quickly and expecting an abundance of affection early on - far too many generalisations - I, for one, do not open up to just any guy and find affection really hard. If someone was putting that all on me in the first five weeks, I'd bail! I do not want that from someone who is still largely a stranger to me!

 

 

5 weeks is nothing considering you would have met a handful of times - THAT'S IT! and her comment about how long it took you to kiss her sounds like a p*ssy tantrum.

 

 

It honestly just sounds like she's all about 'go hard, or go home' and people like that are often unstable. There's absolutely nothing wrong with moving slow, you just need to find someone more compatible.

[AussieGuy2018]

I actually have to agree with this whole post (and coming from a 31 year old Aussie woman).

 

 

I really don't agree with what others have said here about what "women want" in terms of moving quickly and expecting an abundance of affection early on - far too many generalisations - I, for one, do not open up to just any guy and find affection really hard. If someone was putting that all on me in the first five weeks, I'd bail! I do not want that from someone who is still largely a stranger to me!

 

 

5 weeks is nothing considering you would have met a handful of times - THAT'S IT! and her comment about how long it took you to kiss her sounds like a p*ssy tantrum.

 

 

It honestly just sounds like she's all about 'go hard, or go home' and people like that are often unstable. There's absolutely nothing wrong with moving slow, you just need to find someone more compatible.

 

 

We went on 3 dates in the five weeks, but texted each other all day everyday...when she mentioned the kiss, I responded with “I’m not sure if I’ll do anything that will make you happy”, I was annoyed because I tried to make her Xmas a lot better, took her to see Xmas lights and dinner because her Xmas was pretty crappy and she said I was overreacting and I took it the wrong way. From there on it went downhill.

 

As much as I liked her, there’s probably a few red flags there.

[Chilli]

Yeah right ,gotta admit l thought there'd been a lot more goin on in that time, 3 dates isn't much .

 

l dunno , l'm in two minds and in a similar sitch myself and getting towey already, only 3 wks.but mine wants to go very slow too.

 

She is sounding prickly for sure though, but at the same time to me personally 5 wks is a fairly long to have had so little.But l'd be wondering if she's always prickly later on , or just pissed at this time thing right now.

 

But if that's what your comfortable with then there's also nothing wrong with that, everyone's different, guess we just need the other person like minded,

Edited January 2, 2018 by Chilli

[Popsicle]

You both sound resentful at this point. Sure there is attraction there, which is why you keep seeing/talking to each other, but neither of you are forgiving and opening up your heart.

[AussieGuy2018]

You both sound resentful at this point. Sure there is attraction there, which is why you keep seeing/talking to each other, but neither of you are forgiving and opening up your heart.

 

 

I am willing to open up but she doesn’t want to hear it, which is unfair I think but that’s her choice.

[AussieGuy2018]

Yeah right ,gotta admit l thought there'd been a lot more goin on in that time, 3 dates isn't much .

 

l dunno , l'm in two minds and in a similar sitch myself and getting towey already, only 3 wks.but mine wants to go very slow too.

 

She is sounding prickly for sure though, but at the same time to me personally 5 wks is a fairly long to have had so little.But l'd be wondering if she's always prickly later on , or just pissed at this time thing right now.

 

But if that's what your comfortable with then there's also nothing wrong with that, everyone's different, guess we just need the other person like minded,

 

Four times including the night we met, I was sick for a few days so had to cancel one date and we were both so busy at work at this time of year, I think that’s why we texted all day everyday because we couldn’t see each other 1-2 a week. If two people like each other but one is a week or so ahead in expressing feelings, to me that isn’t a deal breaker...I mean for me to tell her I like her two days after our last date and for her to say she’s unavailable, I think that’s a bit cut throat.

 

Pride is hurt and I think that’s why she **** down. I also believe she has some issues relating back to her ex about feeling wanted etc so that will play into it as well.

[Chilli]

Yeah right.

Sounds like you got it all sussed pretty good to me , agree with ya but damn, now to decide what to do with it eh.

 

Don't worry l've got a similar issue.

[Popsicle]

I am willing to open up but she doesn’t want to hear it, which is unfair I think but that’s her choice.

 

Your story was brief in your opening post, but I really don't know the timeline of all this. Did she give you a lot of chances to open up in the beginning and you refused, then only when she had enough and was ready to leave, that's when you open up?

 

What's unfair is that people hold back in order to protect their heart. Which you both have done. You gave her a reason to believe that she needs to protect her heart and she doesn't trust you yet to open hers back up. She wondered why you were even bothering with her in the beginning if you're not open to her. Now you're wondering why she's bothering if she's not open. See how this creates such a vicious cycle?

 

The only advice I can give you is to give it time and BE OPEN. Normally I tell people to run when someone acts all distant (which you did in the beginning and now she is doing) but since she has shown in the past that she can be open, then we know she is capable and I'd say stick it out and let time and an open heart work it's magic.

Edited January 2, 2018 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

I guess I'm just trying to say that we get what we give.