Need guidance with my situation :)

[AussieGuy2018]

Up to you!

 

It's not really a tricky time of year, just takes a bit of consideration is all.

 

Me? I would take the risk, call her and ask to meet.

Texting isn't the way I would fight for someone.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks Gemma for your advice. I’m going to call her in the morning and ask to meet for a quick coffee...hopefully she answers the call.

[MaleIntuition]

Hey man. I don’t really buy her story.

 

To late? Not showing enough interest? Kissed her to late on the date? You’ve communicated clearly that you are interested - and she knows that. Either she is playing some wierd game or she lost interest/attraction when you became available. Perhaps she is a player or perhaps she started to see you as a bit needy? Obviously there could also be completely external factors - like a third guy.

 

I think the best way you can “fight” for her is to follow your friends advice and stay away for a while. Chasing her now might risk coming off as both desperate and needy.

 

I would also stay away from big “romantic” gestures. Essentially they are selfish and play on her guilty feelings rather than her attraction: “Look at how much I’m willing to do for you - love me back - please”. I really don’t think that works in real life.

[AussieGuy2018]

Hey man. I don’t really buy her story.

 

To late? Not showing enough interest? Kissed her to late on the date? You’ve communicated clearly that you are interested - and she knows that. Either she is playing some wierd game or she lost interest/attraction when you became available. Perhaps she is a player or perhaps she started to see you as a bit needy? Obviously there could also be completely external factors - like a third guy.

 

I think the best way you can “fight” for her is to follow your friends advice and stay away for a while. Chasing her now might risk coming off as both desperate and needy.

 

I would also stay away from big “romantic” gestures. Essentially they are selfish and play on her guilty feelings rather than her attraction: “Look at how much I’m willing to do for you - love me back - please”. I really don’t think that works in real life.

 

 

Hey mate, I’ve got no idea hey? So confused. She’s told me a few times she likes me and I was a little dismissive about it in the beginning, so I think it’s been brewing for a week or so. I’m just not used to opening up to someone after 2-3 weeks.

 

I’m not planning big romantic gestures, but staying away I’m not sure? She’s posting a lot on Snapchat and Instagram stories since, which is a little out of character so either that means nothing or she’s trying to say she’s fine out with her friends etc living life.

[elaine567]

YOU showed such low interest that she got turned off. She no doubt put up with you and put up with you and there was probably a last straw that broke the camel's back, so she was done.

She doesn't think you care as nothing in your actions showed her that.

She doesn't want to date "a closed book".

 

All very well to "say" you care, but that is easy to say when all she has to go on is a lacklustre performance from you and some "excuses" when you thought you had lost her. It is not very flattering actually.

 

The forum is littered with guys who when all is lost, regret they did not treat her better or now want what they cannot have. It is no real basis for an ongoing relationship and few women actually want to go there again.

Dating is a test of compatibility, you rarely get a second chance, you do not get to be a mediocre, low interest date and then rely on picking up the pieces afterwards.

 

Now after 3-4 days you want to give her even more "space", yes, more "space" to ponder on what a complete waste of her time, you were...

Or go NC so that she will somehow want to run to you.

Why in the world would she want to do that?

 

If you want to fight then fight, but you need to put in a bit of effort as I guess you have a lot of work to do here, if she is ever to come round and put herself through that again..

[AussieGuy2018]

YOU showed such low interest that she got turned off. She no doubt put up with you and put up with you and there was probably a last straw that broke the camel's back, so she was done.

She doesn't think you care as nothing in your actions showed her that.

She doesn't want to date "a closed book".

 

All very well to "say" you care, but that is easy to say when all she has to go on is a lacklustre performance from you and some "excuses" when you thought you had lost her. It is not very flattering actually.

 

The forum is littered with guys who when all is lost, regret they did not treat her better or now want what they cannot have. It is no real basis for an ongoing relationship and few women actually want to go there again.

Dating is a test of compatibility, you rarely get a second chance, you do not get to be a mediocre, low interest date and then rely on picking up the pieces afterwards.

 

Now after 3-4 days you want to give her even more "space", yes, more "space" to ponder on what a complete waste of her time, you were...

Or go NC so that she will somehow want to run to you.

Why in the world would she want to do that?

 

If you want to fight then fight, but you need to put in a bit of effort as I guess you have a lot of work to do here, if she is ever to come round and put herself through that again..

 

 

Hi Elaine,

 

I understand what you’re saying, but I showed interest and put in a lot of effort. For five straight weeks I texted and called her everyday from morning to night as well as organised dates with her. I even organised something for her on Xmas to cheer her up as she had someone in the family ill, so I feel I put in effort without actually telling her exactly how I feel. When I realised that she needed to hear the words and show more affection, she said she had shut down. The date I organised on Xmas to cheer her up, that’s when I got the “you took a longtime to kiss me”. I thought that was a little unfair given what I organised and I got a little defensive over her questioning.

[GemmaUK]

OK, hang on - I clearly missed a bit here - are you saying it took 5 weeks for you to kiss her?

[AussieGuy2018]

OK, hang on - I clearly missed a bit here - are you saying it took 5 weeks for you to kiss her?

 

No no no, kissed her the night we met. She said it took me long enough on the date night we just had at Xmas to kiss her.

[elaine567]

Hi Elaine,

 

I understand what you’re saying, but I showed interest and put in a lot of effort. For five straight weeks I texted and called her everyday from morning to night as well as organised dates with her. I even organised something for her on Xmas to cheer her up as she had someone in the family ill, so I feel I put in effort without actually telling her exactly how I feel. When I realised that she needed to hear the words and show more affection, she said she had shut down. The date I organised on Xmas to cheer her up, that’s when I got the “you took a longtime to kiss me”. I thought that was a little unfair given what I organised and I got a little defensive over her questioning.

OK I get the organising dates and the texting, but with no definite romantic interest, no affection, no sexual desire from you, you put yourself and then she put you into the friend-zone, and by the time you decided to extricate yourself, she was done, she had already gone "off the boil".

[MaleIntuition]

Texting and calling everyday is Not a sign of low interest. Most would probably consider it towards the “to much” spectrum. Expecting someone to confess their feelings after 2-3 weeks isn’t reasonable. There is something else going on here. My hunch is that physical escalation was a bit to slow? The kiss comment definitely hinted at that.

[GemmaUK]

Ah! OK.

 

Can I ask, what is your normal speed for affection and opening up when dating someone?

You say she rushed things. I'm thinking she was being expressive to try to get something outta you - anything more than just being a date organiser.

[AussieGuy2018]

Texting and calling everyday is Not a sign of low interest. Most would probably consider it towards the “to much” spectrum. Expecting someone to confess their feelings after 2-3 weeks isn’t reasonable. There is something else going on here. My hunch is that physical escalation was a bit to slow? The kiss comment definitely hinted at that.

 

 

This is what I’ve pinpointed it too, we haven’t slept together yet either because of living arrangements ? so I’m guessing she just wanted to see a lot more touching and kissing when we were together.

[AussieGuy2018]

Ah! OK.

 

Can I ask, what is your normal speed for affection and opening up when dating someone?

You say she rushed things. I'm thinking she was being expressive to try to get something outta you - anything more than just being a date organiser.

 

I don’t see two people going at different speeds a deal breaker though either, especially when both sides have said they like each other.

 

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer, you date girls who reply to messages the next day, some want to date once per week and others want more contact and multiple dates per week. I feels it’s all about compromise, if both sides like each other but moving at different speeds, then isn’t it best to meet somewhere in the middle?

[GemmaUK]

I'll ask again,

 

Can I ask, what is your normal speed for affection and opening up when dating someone?

[AussieGuy2018]

I'll ask again,

 

I’ve certainly slowed down, I used to be quite open and talking about how I feel wasn’t an issue early. A couple of bad experiences and now I’m guarded...I would’ve though at about 6-8 weeks is when you start expressing feelings after getting to know someone and start talking about making it official.

 

I’m usually not one that kisses on the first date unless I’m really into them.

[GemmaUK]

OK, that's definitely slow prior to bad experiences.

 

So if you do get in touch with her where are you at? Will you ramp things up?

If you're planning to go back to texting and arranging dates it might be better to move on to someone who goes a similar pace to yourself - as yes, it can be a dealbreaker when you're not on the same page with touching, affection, kissing etc.

[elaine567]

Texting and calling everyday is Not a sign of low interest. Most would probably consider it towards the “to much” spectrum. Expecting someone to confess their feelings after 2-3 weeks isn’t reasonable. There is something else going on here. My hunch is that physical escalation was a bit to slow? The kiss comment definitely hinted at that.

Yes, I guess it was not progressing in the way she hoped it would and she took it as lack of interest or he was in fact "emotionally unavailable".

Many women have been down the emotionally unavailable man route, it is no fun and it usually doesn't end well for the woman and is best avoided.

[AussieGuy2018]

Update...so I gave her a call and as expected there was no answer, so left a message and now just have to wait to see if there’s a call back. If not I’ll try once more and then leave it.

[AussieGuy2018]

Update...so I gave her a call and as expected there was no answer, so left a message and now just have to wait to see if there’s a call back. If not I’ll try once more and then leave it.

 

 

I think the situation is pretty much done. I got a text back saying she was down the beach with friends and what I wanted. I said no problems it can wait until you get home. Received a text to say she was home but not sure there was anything to talk about, so called and no answer, text when to say was a good time to call back. She again replied with “not sure what there is to talk about”, then she called when I was at dinner and went to answer and just missed the call by half a second. I called back and she didn’t answer, then I received a text saying “sorry I don’t think I can deal with this”.

 

I’ve left it at that and I think it’s pretty much done and I’ll leave the ball in her court now. I know she cares otherwise why let me know she was home and called me back? She is clearly hurt and I made some mistakes, but I don’t think I can keep pushing her now.

[GemmaUK]

Maybe she just isn't the one for you.

If you had felt it stronger then you may well have naturally been able to be more intimate perhaps? I don't know.

If you think not though it might be a good idea to get some help about your past relationships so that you're able to be more affectionate and open in those important first few weeks of dating.

Openness creates an emotional bond, affection reassures but more than that creates sexual tension. It can be very hard to date someone when all intimacy is missing from the person you're dating.

[AussieGuy2018]

Maybe she just isn't the one for you.

If you had felt it stronger then you may well have naturally been able to be more intimate perhaps? I don't know.

If you think not though it might be a good idea to get some help about your past relationships so that you're able to be more affectionate and open in those important first few weeks of dating.

Openness creates an emotional bond, affection reassures but more than that creates sexual tension. It can be very hard to date someone when all intimacy is missing from the person you're dating.

 

 

Thanks Gemma, I understand what you are saying. I also think the fact that I knew she was highly interested, maybe added to me taking my time because I thought I had time to open up to her.

 

It is a real shame because I honestly thought something could have developed and we got on so well from the moment we met and it seemed so easy between us. I am pretty gutted

[GemmaUK]

I also think the fact that I knew she was highly interested, maybe added to me taking my time because I thought I had time to open up to her.

(

 

Don't go in with that thought with the next lady, women want to be wanted too.

Setting up dates is all well and good but if things don't progress a woman will soon realise she is dating an acquaintance, not a potential lover.

 

Good luck for the future!

[Maggie4]

Yeah I think it's probably done. I don't like the way she's handling this. Really cold. It reminded me of your original post in which you mentioned lies and judgement from a previous relationship. There's judgement from this woman now. People don't always tell you the real reason they're leaving. That's lies. What I learned from trying to please people in failed relationships is that it's futile. Don't contact her at this point.

[elaine567]

Yeah I think it's probably done. I don't like the way she's handling this. Really cold. It reminded me of your original post in which you mentioned lies and judgement from a previous relationship. There's judgement from this woman now. People don't always tell you the real reason they're leaving. That's lies. What I learned from trying to please people in failed relationships is that it's futile. Don't contact her at this point.

 

How else is she supposed to handle it?

She said she was done, now he is trying to get her to talk and she doesn't feel there is anything to talk about.

Yes, she could spend an hour on the phone, meet him for coffee, discuss it for weeks, or months but she is still done, so what is the point?

Dumpers cannot afford to be warm and fuzzy, as warm and fuzzy gives dumpees hope and that is the last thing a dumper wants to do.

[GemmaUK]

How else is she supposed to handle it?

She said she was done, now he is trying to get her to talk and she doesn't feel there is anything to talk about.

Yes, she could spend an hour on the phone, meet him for coffee, discuss it for weeks, or months but she is still done, so what is the point?

Dumpers cannot afford to be warm and fuzzy, as warm and fuzzy gives dumpees hope and that is the last thing a dumper wants to do.

 

Agree, she has been warm, fuzzy and encouraging for 6 weeks!!!

[Flame Aura]

Maybe it's for the best to leave this one.

 

If she wanted a mature long term relationship I would expect her to take some time to understand you and your speed at which you date. I actually made a topic on this exact subject recently.

 

Normally I move fast but the girl I'm dating is the complete opposite and takes things slow. It took a lot of work to get get her to open up. But I was patient and tried to understand her.

 

If you do want to try one last time then stop with the messages asking when can she talk and trying to call her, just drop her a message saying you would like to meet up for a talk. If she makes excuses/doesnt respond then NEXT.