Versacehottie Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 Please don't. Not because she's the one, but because you need to rethink how you relate. It is not easy, human relations. We keep learning our whole lives. Both children and adults storm out of the sandbox. Emotions are hard to control. Some adults really work at calming themselves. A bit more wisdom, generosity, tolerance. When you are abused and victimized, you walk away. Nothing of that sort has happened here! You had a good date, she suggested seeing each other again. You should be happier than many on this day. It's up to you how you want to look at it. I totally agree. OP you are having a reaction that is driven by fear and presuming rejection. You need to reframe how you look at things and not have knee jerk reactions to how you interpret things. Yes it IS possible that she is playing games --it was early in the am when I said what I said (on the west coast) and to some types early on even the east coast (10am). I wouldn't dream of texting a guy I had been on one date with at 10am--well I would be definitely lean toward much later. On the other hand, her not texting you back can mean absolutely nothing or that your dating style has driven her away a bit. If you are the type of guy who needs constant reassurance and presumes things aren't going well and she tends to have this sort of pace, she may just not be for you. All I will say, is that you don't know enough yet and what a shame to throw it all away because you are feeling slighted. You need to stick with the process to discover who she is and IF she meets your needs. That is not what you are doing here: you want to date her, you are feeling scared and anxious so you are throwing in the towel WITHOUT seeing who she is and coming to conclusions that will continue to haunt your dating life. I would guess from your current behavior and overreaction that you are already hurt and in danger of being a bitter person. That is the reason you should just stick with it for a bit. When you do know who she is, you can always walk away at any time--not like this because you are AFRAID of being hurt. Have some confidence that everything will work out as it should and you DO have some control Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted December 27, 2017 Author Share Posted December 27, 2017 Update: She eventually replied nearly 2 days later saying 'Christmas was good, nice to see everyone. Did you have a good one?' So I replied 30 minutes later 'Yes was a quiet one but nice spending time with family. Do you know when you are back next week yet? Was thinking we could go to crazy golf Wednesday or Thursday?' She read the message but hasn't replied and it's been around 5 hours. Girls - please give me an honest view - is there any justification for the time taken to reply getting so large other than she's not totally interested? Link to post Share on other sites
Kellens Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 I'm sorry, I would definitely say that she's not interested. I would never keep a guy hanging that long unless it was someone I didn't care about losing. I know it sucks because she seemed interested before but you never know what else (or who else) is going on in someone's life. I would suggest that you move on. Don't even reach out again if she doesn't respond, she's not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 Update: She eventually replied nearly 2 days later saying 'Christmas was good, nice to see everyone. Did you have a good one?' So I replied 30 minutes later 'Yes was a quiet one but nice spending time with family. Do you know when you are back next week yet? Was thinking we could go to crazy golf Wednesday or Thursday?' She read the message but hasn't replied and it's been around 5 hours. Girls - please give me an honest view - is there any justification for the time taken to reply getting so large other than she's not totally interested? I think you are putting way too much brain energy in this, you only had 1 date. Your job would have been to text once in a while during the holidays with NO expectations, just a touch base text 'hope you're having a good time' type of text and not expect back and forth conversations. Then when she gets back in town you turn all the timers back to 0 and you start dating her. If her family is anything like mine there is no time for texting other then at night when going to bed, if she has any energy left to do so. For us holidays means days or playing board-games, debating about politics, playing outside, cooking, drinking and partying. Someone expecting me to see a text right away would be deeply disappointed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 A) She text me last night then was really busy with family stuff all night (so why text me at all?) Because she took time out of her busy family time to say hello. Why can't you be happy with that? If she doesn't text you're upset and if she does text you're still upset because it's not enough. You need to look into why you want to control this situation instead of letting it unfold naturally. B) She's playing a game (hate that) Holy cow! It's her holiday, she can play all the games she wants. She had ONE date with you, it's not your place to judge what she does with her time. C) She's not really that into me, keeping me around just in case. You had 1 date with her. She is a stranger to you, you are a stranger to her, you are just 2 people that met once and agreed to keep in touch over the holidays. Nothing else. There should not even be a question like is she into me. It takes more than 1 date to decide if we're into someone. I really don't understand this - if I was interested in someone I wouldn't text them, then ingore their reply for hours and hours. Maybe I don't fit in to modern dating? You would not survive the old ways of dating when family had 1 phone on the wall of the kitchen and everyone could hear your conversation, when the only mean to correspond was through letters that took days if not weeks to make it, when there was no social media letting you know if the person was online playing games and you had no clue what the person did between your 1 date a week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 Because she took time out of her busy family time to say hello. Why can't you be happy with that? If she doesn't text you're upset and if she does text you're still upset because it's not enough. You need to look into why you want to control this situation instead of letting it unfold naturally. exactly this^^^^ I'd say she is playing it cool or busy (very likely).....or losing interest. If she is losing interest don't take yourself and your actions out of the equation. In other words, if I felt a guy was being needy and it was out of balance at the beginning, I would lose interest. Don't underestimate that you are not transmitting that vibe in your words, your actions and tone of your texts. It's here in your thread and sure it is in your texts to her. Instead of enjoying your momentary texts with her over the break, you are analyzing them and waiting on pins and needles. The text you sent most recently has the heavy weight of expectation and desperation rather than just fun, lighthearted. Again you are sticking with the boring, literal theme of trading plot stories AND yours has almost nothing to offer ("quiet Christmas", etc etc and then pouncing on her for an answer about golf). Sorry not trying to be harsh with you but this is how I would perceive your text and be losing interest. It's almost like you are stubbornly sticking to your method and lack of game and then are going to blame her when it doesn't work out (as evidenced by some of the things you threw out regarding the potential relationship here on this thread). You need to look at the way you go about things and what Gaeta said above. I would find this vibe suffocating. Even if you think you are concealing it, it is apparent and no doubt she is picking up on it in some way or another. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted December 27, 2017 Author Share Posted December 27, 2017 So I get told on here not to text her much and when I do just to arrange the next date. I do that, she gives me silence and now I'm getting called needy and she has seen that? That's bull****. I admit in this thread I am needy but have done nothing in texts to her this week to show that. Seems like females trying to justify poor behaviour that they wouldn't like from a male who encouraged interest after a first date. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 Update: She eventually replied nearly 2 days later saying 'Christmas was good, nice to see everyone. Did you have a good one?' So I replied 30 minutes later 'Yes was a quiet one but nice spending time with family. Do you know when you are back next week yet? Was thinking we could go to crazy golf Wednesday or Thursday?' She read the message but hasn't replied and it's been around 5 hours. Girls - please give me an honest view - is there any justification for the time taken to reply getting so large other than she's not totally interested? This is needy (bolded). And anxious. The succession of questions without any other substance but to potentially build on a connection and show a playful side and some personality were not there--in spite of her giving you an opening for it and some breathing time to have done something fun and have a life of your own to report back to her. If you just come with "when can I see you" essentially and show nothing of your personality than you don't have much and it's a generic connection. Also it IS transparent to people when they are dealing with someone with anxiety and insecurities--no matter what those who are trying to conceal it think. You will get a multitude of answers on a forum such as this. Often they will be on polar ends of the spectrum; many times there will be a general consensus. I don't recall my advice being to text less (only if you could not manage to have some traction with a playful and fun conversation--newsflash some guys are able to do that regularly). It's up to you to filter the answers as they pertain to your situation and realize that often the very fact that we are removed from the situation allows us to have a greater clarity than you might while in it or because it is about you. You are asking for girls' advice and have also offered the actual conversations that have taken place. I don't represent all girls but am fairly similar to a decent amount of them and am saying I would find that boring and it is losing steam if there ever was any. Other things that are seeping through your posts is a general hostility toward women which she may not be able to put her finger on but will be able to feel an uneasiness about moving forward with someone that has an air of possessiveness, neediness or controlling nature. I get that it's hard to open yourself to constructive criticism here but you did and now don't like what you are hearing. That doesn't mean it's wrong. Hope it works out for the best. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 OP didn't you say in your opening that you wanted to take things slow for a change? Then why put yourself through this anxiety. She is not going to forget about you. Years ago I met a man and went on 1 date. He had to leave town for 3 weeks but it was sudden and in a bit of emergency so he didn't warn me, after all we had 1 date he didn't owe me anything. I tried to call him once, no reply, I thought 'oh well' and forgot about it. After his emergency was taken care of he came back, called me and we picked things from there and were 4 years together. So, stop torturing yourself with what is going on with her. She is away on holidays, she's with family and busy. When she comes back then play your best cards. Meanwhile, if you were good at texting I would agree you keep in touch with her but after a couple of pages I realize you're not, sorry. You sound dull over text and too stressed to be yourself and to make her laugh. For this reason, I think you should do as little as possible over text. The risk of you damaging the little bit of interest she may have is too high. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted December 28, 2017 Author Share Posted December 28, 2017 She got back to me today and said 'not too sure when I'm heading home yet. Still lots of friends to catch up with. Should be home by Thursday though, I'll let you know x' I'm still uncertain her interest levels are high but I'm thinking of leaving it at that now and wait for her to let me know next week - although should I send a happy new year in between? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 - although should I send a happy new year in between? Of course you should Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 Text her "ok, get in touch with me when you are back." ( she is not supposed to reply to this one until she's back ). Then no more texts. No happy new year. Nothing. Silence until she is back and texts you, at which point you make a date. You can't handle her delays in replying, so don't do this to yourself. You are starting to get upset at her and at "females". No more for you. I hereby confiscate your phone! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 By the way, I don't think you're needy. I think you're temperamental. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted December 28, 2017 Author Share Posted December 28, 2017 Agh! Conflicting advice again I didn't reply to her text this morning. I basically left it assuming when she's home she will let me know. If I don't hear from her by this time next week I will then assume she isn't interested and was just trying to be nice in today's message. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 You will get conflicting advice because there isn’t One True Answer. I would’ve acknowledged her latest text with something simple (“Alright ”) and then waited for her to reach out again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted December 29, 2017 Share Posted December 29, 2017 (edited) Edited for update. I like your plan Edited December 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 Agh! Conflicting advice again I didn't reply to her text this morning. I basically left it assuming when she's home she will let me know. If I don't hear from her by this time next week I will then assume she isn't interested and was just trying to be nice in today's message. It's going to be interesting to see how this pans out this week. Never really been in this position before where I had a first date and then because of her going home for Christmas/NY the second date has been up in the air. So after she said she will let me know but should be home by Thursday I didn't respond for 3 days and then last night I text her a happy new years little message. She replied wishing me the same and sent a picture of herself dressed up for a fancy dress party she was going to. I replied and made a joke about it and she sent a 'haha' and asked what I was doing to which I told her I was going to a house party and then she didn't reply which I wasn't expecting anyway. So now that tomorrow is the 2nd it's the time really where normal life should resume and I'll be able to find out if she's actually interested or not. I mean I'm assuming if she really did want to see me again then she would text me tomorrow or Wednesday to take me up on my orginal thursday offer for Crazy Golf? I'd probably expect to hear by the end of tomorrow really as that would show me she values my feelings enough to let me know in good time if I should keep Thursday free for her or not. What do we think? I'm 50/50 about what will happen! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 It's going to be interesting to see how this pans out this week. Never really been in this position before where I had a first date and then because of her going home for Christmas/NY the second date has been up in the air. So after she said she will let me know but should be home by Thursday I didn't respond for 3 days and then last night I text her a happy new years little message. She replied wishing me the same and sent a picture of herself dressed up for a fancy dress party she was going to. I replied and made a joke about it and she sent a 'haha' and asked what I was doing to which I told her I was going to a house party and then she didn't reply which I wasn't expecting anyway. So now that tomorrow is the 2nd it's the time really where normal life should resume and I'll be able to find out if she's actually interested or not. I mean I'm assuming if she really did want to see me again then she would text me tomorrow or Wednesday to take me up on my orginal thursday offer for Crazy Golf? I'd probably expect to hear by the end of tomorrow really as that would show me she values my feelings enough to let me know in good time if I should keep Thursday free for her or not. What do we think? I'm 50/50 about what will happen! Not sure why you couldn't have just complimented her on her fancy dress instead of making a joke about it, but whatever. You sound so much like another poster we've had here who is also British and obsesses over stuff like this......haven't seen him in a while..... Text her Wednesday night if you don't hear from her before then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 Not sure why you couldn't have just complimented her on her fancy dress instead of making a joke about it, but whatever. You sound so much like another poster we've had here who is also British and obsesses over stuff like this......haven't seen him in a while..... Text her Wednesday night if you don't hear from her before then. I said 'very impressive! Looks great! Suppose you can't talk to anyone all night though? ' (she was a mime) Well she said she would let me know so if I haven't heard from her by even mid wednesday I can't help but take that as she isn't interested. Other way round if a guy told you he'd let you know about seeing you on thursday and hadn't got in touch by Wednesday evening you'd assume no interest right? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 I said 'very impressive! Looks great! Suppose you can't talk to anyone all night though? ' (she was a mime) Well she said she would let me know so if I haven't heard from her by even mid wednesday I can't help but take that as she isn't interested. Other way round if a guy told you he'd let you know about seeing you on thursday and hadn't got in touch by Wednesday evening you'd assume no interest right? Yep, I sure would. And thanks for the clarification about your comment. Very cute then . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 So nothing from her today... I'm thinking give her until tomorrow around 6 pm then if nothing from her just move on? Or should I make one final attempt by saying 'hey, we on for golf tomorrow then? Would be nice to see you! X' Link to post Share on other sites
python23 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 So nothing from her today... I'm thinking give her until tomorrow around 6 pm then if nothing from her just move on? Or should I make one final attempt by saying 'hey, we on for golf tomorrow then? Would be nice to see you! X' I know its hard, I'm in a similar situation right now, wait it out, if she wants a second date she will be in touch. you may come across needy in her eyes if you text again after you said get in touch after new year. just wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sbla22 Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 I know its hard, I'm in a similar situation right now, wait it out, if she wants a second date she will be in touch. you may come across needy in her eyes if you text again after you said get in touch after new year. just wait. You're right. No communication from me then. Have to say this is the first time I have just waited and been patient - it looked promising after the first date as she suggested a second date before me but I'm thinking the christmas break and her going home as actually hindered it? It feels like the initial interest she had has gone. Maybe I'm wrong. Don't feel like I did anything needy or wrong this time though so maybe just wasn't meant to be if I don't hear from her. Link to post Share on other sites
python23 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 You're right. No communication from me then. Have to say this is the first time I have just waited and been patient - it looked promising after the first date as she suggested a second date before me but I'm thinking the christmas break and her going home as actually hindered it? It feels like the initial interest she had has gone. Maybe I'm wrong. Don't feel like I did anything needy or wrong this time though so maybe just wasn't meant to be if I don't hear from her. thats right mate, sometimes another guy catches their eye on online dating and thats it, you're forgotten about, thats the dating game unfortunately. if she's into you enough you'll hear from her when she realises she hasn't heard from you in a while, if you message now she subconsciously think yea this guys really into me, I've got him whenever I want, I'm not sure if he's exciting enough for me now. that'd how they think. you've got to have a mentality where you think, you want to see me, great! lets get together, or she doesn't want to see me, great on to the next, have a care free mindset. and if you do hear from her be assertive and arrange a date and time, then get off the phone, no endless small talk, it bores them. get off the phone and make them wonder why youre not wanting to talk to them all the time Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 She's not interest. Waste no more of your thought on this lass Link to post Share on other sites
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