Author goldengirl11 Posted December 13, 2017 Author Share Posted December 13, 2017 Seriously? Sorry but read your post... why would you want somebody who clearly treats you like dirt? He's done you a huge favour. Poppy. Thank you Poppy. You have a pretty name btw. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Ending it completely with him is your only way out so you can finally heal and move on. Friendship and keeping in touch with him is harming you deeply! He knows (and doesn't care) what affect he has on you. He's smug about it too! You deserve so much better! Don't hang onto a man who didn't choose you. You're wasting your precious time, energy, tears and heart on him! He isn't worth it! Wish you well and the strength to pull the plug once and for all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ByMyself01 Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Move on. I can't even understand why people get involved with a married man to begin with. He wasn't available or yours to keep from Day 1. Get a single, available man, sweep your past under the rug and never look back. Any decent man worth having will not tolerate your past and may look at you different. Change for the better. It's wrong and you know it. Pretty soon he'll be dealing on the new OW. These guys get tired fast and like excitement of new toys. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 He thinks its fine to be friends i.e calls very occasionally, after he thinks I've got to grip more with my feelings now, but truthfully, I haven't. I am so sorry (((goldengirl11))) your MM sounds quite arrogant and a jerk aka which imo is most married men. Of course he thinks it's fine to be friends it lessens the guilt on his side. I would go NC. There is no reason you need to be friends with him and from my experience as an xMOW the prolonged contact only kept me stuck. Try to look at this as dodging a bullet. I know you spent 5 years with this man, but think about it... he did this to his wife... now to you... and it will happen to the next. This leopard isn't changing it's spots. Best of luck to you! Get out there and live life for YOU. Get together with family and friends and maybe even find a new hobby or passion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Never get involved with someone who cheats on their spouse or SO. It is just a preview of future treatment you can expect to receive. It is best to enter a decent relationship then you can expect to be treated decently. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Forget the love story, forget the "affair", this was a relationship like any other and by all accounts not even a very good one. Relationships end, it is the way of the world. He found someone he liked better and he moved on. You are not destined to be the tragic heroine pining forever for her lost love like in some fairy story. You are a woman in the real world, and if you do not get your act together soon you will regret this complete waste of your time for years and years to come. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Forget the love story, forget the "affair", this was a relationship like any other and by all accounts not even a very good one. Relationships end, it is the way of the world. He found someone he liked better and he moved on. You are not destined to be the tragic heroine pining forever for her lost love like in some fairy story. You are a woman in the real world, and if you do not get your act together soon you will regret this complete waste of your time for years and years to come. This is excellent advice. You are at a crossroads, and you have a lot of power. You can choose the path you wish to follow. There are so many wonderful things in this world that are just waiting for you should you choose to allow yourself to be open to them. Take it one step at a time. Get through one day, and then another and another, and soon, you'll be on your way to far better times. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
browzer Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Poor decisions typically result in poor outcomes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Taxed Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 No offence I hope, but it sounds like he likes to wind you up to get an ego boost and that is not a person you want in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Well.... at least he dumped you instead of cheating (on you) ...like he did on his wife. Relationships with married men ...when you aren't the wife never end well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 I am still very much heartbroken. To cut it short, despite being involved with this MM for 5 years, he 'dumped' me for a married woman at his workplace n August, shortly after separating from his wife. He has treated me appallingly IMO, dismissing us as just dating before, yet for a while never really tried and secretly focussed his attentions elswhere, when he twice denied it. Sadly, we did experience a some sexual difficulties on and off, which he described to his new partner as a bad experience and with whom who benefited from his ED treatment, obviously when giving up on me. He said although we have a connection and history, we never reached the same connection/level (same goals, similar age etc) and feel frustrated that we didn't get to make love with his treatment, when he said his heart was now elsewhere. Although we did get to have proper sex since, but no real affection, as he felt guilty. He said I proved a point though, but was too late. I am finding it particularly hard as the holidays are coming as they are still together (she lives with her husband), after a very brief breakup initiated and rekindled between them in Sept. I am trying to move on, but needed to try and vent. My life has been torn apart and miss him so much. He thinks its fine to be friends i.e calls very occasionally, after he thinks I've got to grip more with my feelings now, but truthfully, I haven't. Lastly, I was a bit taken back by a comment he made yesterday, when I said he's set me on fire (with this situation), to which he replied he had that effect. I felt sick. Would be grateful for some support please. This sounds a lot like me. You keep holding on far longer than you should. You put an investment of 5 years in, and now someone else gets to reap the rewards (if you can call him a reward ). It happens. It's unfair. It sucks. You keep going back thinking that one day he'll realize his mistake and come back to you. You keep going back to the person who hurt you to try to get him to make it right. Meanwhile, he's probably getting off on being wanted by two women, one of whom is risking her marriage. You need to go through the pain of withdrawal. It's only by going through it that you can get to the other side. He has chosen. Now you need to let him go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 (edited) What gets me, is that we didn't get in the pattern of having good sex. Whether it was due to a lack of privacy, or the act itself i.e penetration. Then when he got treatment for ED, she reaped the rewards - apart from one occasion when I sprung it on him, to prove myself. He said we never connected on the same level, but I think it's probably the sex that swung it, which we only did once with the treatment! I know it isn't just about sex and they seem to have more in common, but it frustrates me that we didn't get round to having a good sex life, which might've changed things for the better... Edited December 14, 2017 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 What gets me, is that we didn't get in the pattern of having good sex. Whether it was due to a lack of privacy, or the act itself i.e penetration. Then when he got treatment for ED, she reaped the rewards - apart from one occasion when I sprung it on him, to prove myself. He said we never connected on the same level, but I think it's probably the sex that swung it, which we only did once with the treatment! I know it isn't just about sex and they seem to have more in common, but it frustrates me that we didn't get round to having a good sex life, which might've changed things for the better... Such is life, sadly. There are many things in my life that didn't go the way I wanted... You have to find a way to deal with it and move on. How much of your life are you going to waste pining for this man when you could be loving your life, having great sex, with a man who loves you and wants to build a life with you. It's tough love, but quit pining and get looking for someone to love! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sadgirl17 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 goldengirl11, Please please, tell me exactly what is it about him that attracts you so bad? I read and read and can't figure out why you stay with him for so long. He treats you the worst way a man can treat a woman. It breaks my heart reading every post you wrote about him. What makes you stay??? And for five years, omg... I can't understand. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 (((goldengirl11))) Hugs to you. I feel so deflated reading your words and learning about where you are in your journey. But you have received some excellent advice in your thread. I have nothing new to add, unfortunately; however, I must reiterate the sentiment that you should definitely focus your attention elsewhere, though this is quite difficult. You are in a painful situation, and it is normal to be experiencing pain. It's OK. But if you want the pain to stop, you'll have to stop giving in to the source of it. Just a few things have helped me lately to focus on something else altogether. Coloring in a coloring book is at the top of that list. Writing personal messages in Christmas cards has been another. Having tasks to complete help me, too. Most days I type how I am feeling into a search engine: shame, unworthiness, etc. and find articles that are tailored to those topics. Reading them and then writing about elements in them that stood out to me helps me, too. These may not work for you. You will likely have to develop your own strategy for refocusing your attention. It will take time, but you can do it. Wishing you peace during this trying time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted December 20, 2017 Author Share Posted December 20, 2017 (edited) This is really just to vent - but I am feeling utterly distraught tonight. In a nutshell, we planned to meet last Saturday for a walk, which was looking forward to. However, regrettably, I was feeling very depressed that day and Also didn't hear from him 'til midday to check where we were meeting. Very unlike me and especially to him, I said that I would be in touch again a bit later, as I hadn't been feeling myself that day, to which he replied ok. An hour or two later, I asked if we could still meet that afternoon/eve, to which he said he'd gone cold now, but how about meeting the following afternoon. Now, I had this family lunch booked then WEEKS ago, so said I could probably make 4pm, to which he replied 3pm preferable. I then said that IF I am running late, that I would keep him posted and would still hope to meet anyway that day i.e when I get back. He then accused me that that was an example why we never had a proper relationship, which I'm assuming he meant my availability? Although he NEVER put me first. Also had been too annoying re timings and didn't want to do it anymore. I then cancelled my place at the lunch, to be fully available that day for him, but he said he wasn't going now and that I should go. I rang to say that I was quite upset that we weren't meeting now and asked if we could rearrange, but he said he wasn't interested and not to bother him again. We'd been trying to meet up the past few weeks now, either at the weekend or his working from home day, when he has usually rescheduled. Apart from a previous Sat when I had asked to meet later that day, which he criticised and said (after 5.30) was a bit late for him. We had a chat on the phone in the evening two weekends ago instead, when things were ok and was left "we'll see" re meeting. And then we were going to - and I blew it! It was all on his timetable and evenings seemed to be out of the question. I am finding this situation very painful, as it gave me a glimmer of hope. Now we still haven't met in ages and Xmas is coming! I know I should get a grip and move on... Just needed someone to talk to. Edited December 20, 2017 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 Oh, this breaks my heart.... Not because Xmas is coming and you haven't been able to meet. But, because you cancelled brunch and missed an opportunity to live your life all for a man who is showing you by his words and actions that he could care less about you or your "relationship." Just look at the decisions that you are making here. You are choosing this man, over yourself, your family and friends, and your happiness. The cancelled brunch is such a metaphor... Darling girl, how much more of your life are you going to waste, waiting for a man who doesn't want to be with you. I'm sorry, it's blunt but it's true. It breaks my heart to see a woman settle for so little, when you deserve so much more than this... But, only you can decide that for yourself. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 He then accused me that that was an example why we never had a proper relationship, which I'm assuming he meant my availability? ... And then we were going to - and I blew it! He threw you a tiny crumb and then when you didn't immediately gobble it up he turned on you. And now you're blaming yourself. TBH, this is very sad. I went through all this craziness with my MM too. I think you suffer from low self-esteem, as do I. This is something I am going to work on addressing, as I know what some of my issues are. Maybe in the new year we can both work towards self-improvement instead of yearning after a lost cause. What do you say? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Jdoublenn Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 I know I should get a grip and move on... Just needed someone to talk to. SOOOOO Many hugs GoldenGirl. PM me if you'd like and I'll always be here to chat. I know its always hard to get over someone you love, but this POS has given you SOOO many reasons, yet you stay? I think you've said your self esteem took the hit as well as whatever else, but at some point you've got to fix your own life. Or at least take responsibility and make the one single change that will lead to good. In this case, its blocking POS pathetic mothertrucker MM. I know, easier said than done. Here's the thing.. We've all been where you're at now. Many of us have also been in similarly abusive relationships as well. I personally know all about holding onto someone who treats me awful, and my reasoning was that it might be hard to start over with someone else. (lame I know) But guess what happened?? After several years I FINALLY LET GO. I found -the best sex i've ever had in a man that also -treated me like a queen. You can find your guy too! But first you've got to kick ol' limp-douche MM to the curb!! Make it your new years resolution if thats something you'll stick to! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Taxed Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 I am dumping a ton of hugs on you GoldenGirl - listen to me. Listen to US. It is time to take out the trash - this guy is garbage and the serious issue here is your boundaries. You do not have them. You stand at ground zero. You need to raise your boundaries straight up from the ground - this is a very important life lesson: you need to learn to value and love yourself more than anything or anyone. Now, breathe deeply and make it happen, you can do it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 I rang to say that I was quite upset that we weren't meeting now and asked if we could rearrange, but he said he wasn't interested and not to bother him again. Please stop chasing him. You deserve so much more than this. Don't give him another chance to tell you that he doeasn't want you. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 NOBODY treats another human being like this. He's horrible to you and you let him do it. He knows he can snap his fingers and you will come running. How could you even think of cancelling a family occasion in favour of him? Your family will be there when he is long gone. I hope you disentangle yourself from him as soon as possible. Best wishes, Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 Oh, this breaks my heart.... Not because Xmas is coming and you haven't been able to meet. But, because you cancelled brunch and missed an opportunity to live your life all for a man who is showing you by his words and actions that he could care less about you or your "relationship." Just look at the decisions that you are making here. You are choosing this man, over yourself, your family and friends, and your happiness. The cancelled brunch is such a metaphor... Darling girl, how much more of your life are you going to waste, waiting for a man who doesn't want to be with you. I'm sorry, it's blunt but it's true. It breaks my heart to see a woman settle for so little, when you deserve so much more than this... But, only you can decide that for yourself. It says something when a internet forum full of strangers show more concern to someone than the person who claims to care for them. op, read my sig line. Don't let that happen to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 How could you even think of cancelling a family occasion in favour of him? And the, he doesn't even have the decency to show up! She cancelled brunch, to be fully available for him, and he didn't show up... And then, she says "I blew it!" Wow. Just, wow! It does say something when an Internet forum full of strangers shows more concern than the man you believe "cares" for you... More concern for your well being than you have for yourself. New Years Resolution for you OP, you really do need to learn to love yourself more than anything, or anyone... If you did, you would never tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebelle38 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 You are addicted to a man that will never make you happy. This is what is prolonging the agony for you. If he wanted you, you'd be together. You are wasting your life over an utter slimeball Do you get much attention from men? I'm struggling to understand why you are prepared to accept such terrible treatment, and for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
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