Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?

[SummerDreams]

TexasRob you said what is not the reason for your wife wanting sex. What is the reason she doesn't want sex in your opinion? Has she become asexual?

[TexasRob]

SummerDreams - Honestly I think it just boils down to what I have touched on before -

 

She is menopausal and that has killed her sex drive/libido she doesn't think about or realistically even need sex anymore, its not a priority for her.

 

She also has health issues with RA and the drugs make her lethargic and tired and contributes to her wanting sex a lot less than before.

 

Finally I think her lack of exercise and poor diet don't help matters but eating and sitting in front of her computer are her ways of de-stressing from work so it is hard for her to want to moderate those behaviors.

[SummerDreams]

You are very clear. You are aware then that the advice you are being given to try and make her interested in sex is not valid in this situation. You have to answer to yourself whether what she is giving you is enough for you or not and give her the whole picture. Only then will she have responsibility for her decisions in the future. At the moment you are only accusing her without giving her the opportunity to decide to make changes or decide she wants to make no changes.

 

I will say it again and I'm sorry but you mentioning her being sick and not going to the doctor and combining this with the lack of chance for sex makes me feel that you give her the impression that your mind is always there and that makes her upset. It's like you don't care for her being sick. Maybe a man can't see what I am seeing, I don't know.

[Cullenbohannon]

You see " his mind is always on sex, he doesn't care for her needs and that's causes the problem"....his fault

 

He wrote "her mind is NEVER there and she doesn't care about my needs and that is what is causing the problem....her fault.

 

This appears to be common on LS sexless marriage threads.

Edited December 20, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Michelle ma Belle]

If there is one thing I like about this board it is the diversity of opinions and ideas, thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts.

 

After reading all the posts above I would say the following -

 

I realize that when we married if was for life including "in sickness and in health" but saying it and living it are very different things. I think I had this idea in my head that we would be healthy together for a lot longer, I wasn't planning for the wheels to start to come off before she was even 60. I know that sounds selfish but I am having a crisis of faith in myself that I can deal with this decline if it will only get worse.

 

 

The other side of the coin is that I'm almost 50 years old and frankly, I don't want to start over again. I've built two marriages and both took a lot of time and energy. I don't want to date and put up with all the failures and false starts that always seem to go hat in hand with looking for a new relationship. Who's to say that it would be any better than where I am now, maybe I would find a woman that was a sexual dynamo but sucked with money or had a bad temper or thought my hobbies were boring.

 

I can respect this. I only have one failed marriage under my belt that I ended because of the lack of intimacy. I can't imagine going through it more than once. The decision to end it was excruciating and took years to find the courage to leave. It left me forever scarred to the idea of marrying again.

 

The thought of being locked in to another relationship where the 'wheels start coming off' far too soon gives me a lot of anxiety. And that goes for anything, not just sex.

 

That's not to say I wouldn't fight for a relationship I felt was worth fighting for or that I don't believe in commitment or monogamy because I do, and I would. That being said, I refuse to invest years of my life single-handedly fighting for the attention, affection and effort of my partner like I did with my ex husband. There are two people in a relationship and both need to be working at it at all times.

 

Dating sucks quite frankly, and that's coming from someone who has had it pretty good despite having jumped back in again later in life. I'm very much a relationship girl but I would rather be single and in control of my happiness including my sex life than be married or tied to a relationship that isn't happy or fulfilling in the ways it should be. I'm not ready to settle for mediocrity and neither should you.

[OpenBook]

You see " his mind is always on sex, he doesn't care for her needs and that's causes the problem"....his fault

 

He wrote "her mind is NEVER there and she doesn't care about my needs and that is what is causing the problem....her fault.

 

This appears to be common on LS sexless marriage threads.

 

Agreed. Another thing that's common: One spouse assumes that the way he/she views sex is the same as how their spouse views sex, or (worse) how they SHOULD view sex. Hence the finger-pointing and blaming, which gets you nowhere. That's why I brought up consulting a sex therapist, who may be able to help sift through all this, and put sex in its proper place in the marriage.

Edited December 20, 2017 by OpenBook

[Mr. Lucky]

You see " his mind is always on sex, he doesn't care for her needs and that's causes the problem"....his fault

 

He wrote "her mind is NEVER there and she doesn't care about my needs and that is what is causing the problem....her fault.

 

This appears to be common on LS sexless marriage threads.

 

This whole thing is being over-thought since the OP’s wife could make him very happy in 30 minutes a week. Busy working professional she is, I’d bet she spends more time than that each week in line buying coffee.

 

Texas Rob, lay it out and let her make an informed decision. Life is way too short to live like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sunlight72]

I'm sorry to come to this thread so late, and I've only had time to read the first half of the replies.

 

Did you say her 24 year old daughter is living in your house? I realize the 16 year old needs to be there (and that is your mutual child), but I would think the 24 year old is a side-ways pull on your wife's thoughts and energy (besides her health issues).

 

I have a friend couple who are in their early 60's. The wife's daughter lived with them recently for about 3 years (wasn't originally planned to last that long). They almost got divorced (both had talked to lawyers, so it was pretty serious).

 

In their situation (in a nutshell), the daughter wasn't supporting herself and the mom felt concerned and then over time it became a closed loop of mother worry, daughter basking in attention - and the husband was out of the loop. The daughter had missed out on time with her mom when she was younger, and was now looking to be mothered like a teenager. Eventually the daughter became resentful of the husband trying to get time with his wife, and both the daughter and wife turned on him.

 

Anything like that (hopefully less severe) happening with you?

 

Even if not, my objective opinion is that unless her daughter has serious mental or health issues, get her out of the house. Her presence is absolutely preventing intimate moments. Maybe not all intimate moments, but many and often. I can't see how it wouldn't. Any roommate would.

 

Best Wishes

[BluesPower]

SummerDreams - Honestly I think it just boils down to what I have touched on before -

 

She is menopausal and that has killed her sex drive/libido she doesn't think about or realistically even need sex anymore, its not a priority for her.

 

She also has health issues with RA and the drugs make her lethargic and tired and contributes to her wanting sex a lot less than before.

 

Finally I think her lack of exercise and poor diet don't help matters but eating and sitting in front of her computer are her ways of de-stressing from work so it is hard for her to want to moderate those behaviors.

 

Rob my brother...

 

This is my last post for your thread. Myself and everyone of my ilk have told you to leave or do something drastic.

 

 

Menopause, and other issues almost never come into play when a woman actually loves you. (and yes our relationship is about way more than sex)

 

So all the excuses that you make for your wife are pointless. She is not sexually attracted to you, and I think she really does not love you except as a friend and roommate.

 

Is this really they type of woman that you want to live with the rest of your life? Because brother, when you have a woman that actually loves all of you, it is like nothing else in the world.

 

It is simply beautiful...

Edited December 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[SummerDreams]

@BluesPower

I disagree with everything you write.

Would this man prefer to have a sex bomb in his bed? Of course! Would he prefer that his wife would become that? Definitely. But given the fact that this woman does not like sex anymore, are all her attributes deleted due to that? Is she no longer a caring, loving person, a good wife, a good mother, a good business woman, a caring daughter for her mother or father etc?

Not wanting to have sex does not equal to seeing her H only as a roomate. She has some issues and she has the right to have them. Her H should try to solve these issues with her or present her with her options. Will this man show such weakness to throw all these years in the garbage due to lack of sex? Fine. Then maybe she deserves someone who actually cares every time she feels tired or sick instead of thinking "nice, no sex again....".

[heartbrokenlady]

I feel for both of them.

 

SummerDreams. He is a healthy man who wants to express his love, sexually. This is a normal response.

 

BluesPower. She is unwell a lot of the time and has hormone issues which have deleted her libido.

 

 

 

They need to find a solution that they can both be happy with. Both have a right to have their needs met, but one is not more important than the other.

[wmacbride]

fwiw...a reduction in libido is a reported side effect in drugs like Emberel, which is used to treat RA...

 

https://druginformer.com/search/side_effect_details/etanercept/loss%20of%20libido.html

 

I'm not saying for sure this is what's going on with op's wife, but it can happen. It's also known for making a person very tired, prone to infection and even some forms of cancer.

[Trail Blazer]

Platonic love is actually love without the sexual component. It's not being roommates or friends as you said above. A couple can love each other romantically without having sex as people were doing during the past centuries when there were wars or men could only communicate with women with letters etc.

 

You are free to want whatever you like from your SO but you can't say that a woman who doesn't want to have sex due to whatever reasons doesn't love her husband.

 

I doubt you would find many guys who'd happily accept a platonic relationship from the get go. In fact, you probably wouldn't find that many females either for that matter. But it seems like for the majority of the time it is women losing interest in sex more than men. Women seem to have more variables which determine whether they are interested in sex.

 

I married my wife as a sexually active woman. I didn't marry an asexual. Slowly over the last 8 years we've been married (13 in total) her sexual interest has ground down to a hault. Things aren't as easy as in the beginning and with life throwing curveballs, her sexual desires have taken a hit. And according to her it has NOTHING to do with me. I have repeatedly asked her and she only has 1 reason according to her and it's because she's too busy and stressed to eveb think about it.

 

Sorry, but that's BS. We have ups and downs and sometimes things are hectic. But now that she decides she's just too busy I have to happily grin and bear no sex for months at a time? That's not what I signed up for! I feel like she's checking out of the relationship because she's just not interested in being intimate with her husband AT ALL. It's not important to her so it's simply not important.

 

According to the way you see things, what do you suggest I do? Just accept that despite my wife turning into an asexual, she still loves me on her say so, and that should be enough? To want any more than what she's willing to doll out would be to dismiss hee feelings, no? Because that's what I'm getting from your posts.

[Cullenbohannon]

Agreed. Another thing that's common: One spouse assumes that the way he/she views sex is the same as how their spouse views sex, or (worse) how they SHOULD view sex.

 

So true. And so much concurrence.

 

If a wife can love her husband without wanting the physical part of a relationship, then surely a man can love his wife without wanting to give the emotional part of the relationship. Right?

 

The truth is, you can color "love" however you wish, but the person going without probaly has a entirely different opinion.

 

These sexless marriage threads are the saddest thing on the forum.

 

You make men feel like their desire to love their wife is dirty and he is a pest.

Edited December 24, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[SummerDreams]

If the situation is that bad of course I would not suggest to anyone to stay and suffer, that would be cruel. If you decide you can't take this you should of course consider divorce and all the consequences that come with it.

 

I never said a man desiring his wife is dirty, in fact in another post I said it's the most normal thing of all. What I don't like about the OP's behavior is that if his wife feels tired or sick he gets frustrated because he's not gonna have sex again. Sex should not be something a person is forced to do in marriage, I know someone married someone sexual but life takes its turns and things change. That's why divorces are for; when the change of someone is that dramatic that their spouse can't take it.

[merrmeade]

SummerDreams - Honestly I think it just boils down to what I have touched on before -

 

She is menopausal and that has killed her sex drive/libido she doesn't think about or realistically even need sex anymore, its not a priority for her.

 

She also has health issues with RA and the drugs make her lethargic and tired and contributes to her wanting sex a lot less than before.

 

Finally I think her lack of exercise and poor diet don't help matters but eating and sitting in front of her computer are her ways of de-stressing from work so it is hard for her to want to moderate those behaviors.

I think you hit on it before with "she won't go to the doctor because she has so much to do at work" and all the rest follows.

I'm feeling really down today because she woke up sick again this morning, the cold she thought was getting better turned worse but she won't go to the doctor because she has so much to do at work. She also says -

 

"It's just a cold it will pass" but because of her condition I have seen sinus infections and colds with her drag on for weeks and generally she won't do anything until at least week three. I can see her being sick all through Christmas when we actually have a few days off together scuttling any hope for romance over the holidays.

That by itself - constantly thinking about work - and feeling over-worked could affect libido for sure.

 

Maybe it's also the internet instead of life syndrome. Most of the world's got it. And what follows is all the rest - lack of exercise, poor diet and pretty much never getting caught up because she always on the computer. The computer itself creates more to do if she's also checking texts, emails, Facebook, Instagram and whatever else. I don't know her, but it's a good possibility.

 

And here's another idea: poor diet, lack of exercise, always on the computer ... Has she gained weight? Could she be self-conscious about how she looks now in that lingerie that used to be sexy? Just a thought. Or two.

[elaine567]

Has she gained weight? Could she be self-conscious about how she looks now in that lingerie that used to be sexy? Just a thought. Or two.

 

He already said that was the problem.

 

#107

She admits that she doesn't do anything to initiate sex anymore, partly because she just doesn't think about it and partly out of embarrassment. It seems she doesn't think she is attractive anymore and can't imagine why I do. That is one reason she won't wear sexy outfits anymore because as she puts it -

 

"I don't feel sexy, I feel like a fat cow and who wants to see a fat cow in a skimpy outfit"

[heartbrokenlady]

I can identify with a lot of how his wife feels.

 

Chemo put me into early menopause, I have an extremely stressful job. When I was actually having cancer treatment, the steroids I was on bloated me to hell (we're talking 20+ pounds, and I'm a big girl to start with). And to be graphic, when I had a double mastectomy and reconstruction (15 hour operation and almost 4 month recovery) I have NEVER felt less sexy or less human.

 

But my bloke always wanted to have sex with me. AND knew how to woo and arouse me. He had to do 100% of the work. Was that fair? No. But he did it anyway and it made our relationship so strong.

 

Is it fair the OP is in this position? No. BUT if he loves his wife and wants to have a sexual marriage, given all of her issues he may have to do all of the sexual work.

 

Only he can decide if it is worth it.

 

My bloke recently dumped me. And I'm heartbroken. I can tell you now, cancer, chemo, 5 operations and the terror of death were minor in comparison to the way I have felt for the last 5 months.

 

OP, if you love your wife, do what you have to. I wish I'd had the option.

[SummerDreams]

@heartbrokenlady

I'm very sorry for what you have been through. I just wanted to tell you that of course I understand a separation is a small death BUT after all you've been through I'm sure you appreciate being healthy and alive more than the rest of us. I assure you things for you will be better in time. Stay strong as you've already done and keep your hopes up. Best wishes for you.

[merrmeade]

He already said that was the problem.

Sorry. I think I missed a page. But I think it's worth emphasizing. I know. I'm embarrassed to talk to my husband about it and just keep trying to lose and tell myself I'm going to get in shape. I don't want to get undressed in the light or mess around in another room than the bedroom. It does take a toll and it's hard to talk about. My husband is actually very kind about it and it hasn't hampered his sexual appetite at all, so I realize that he is not turned off by it (yet ) and there's still time! He suggests going to the gym with me (he has his own unwanted excess in front) in a way that doesn't offend me, which is sort of helpful. But really there's nothing he can do. I'm the one who needs to change. It's actually motivating to me that my husband is attracted to me - even though I know I'm a bit overweight. Maybe you could reassure her of your own desire and attraction to her - verbally as well as physically.

 

I also know about the eating in front of the computer thing and that takes away from your relationship in another way. Mealtime and bedtime are both important bonding places. I would insist that you eat together at regular times.

[heartbrokenlady]

@heartbrokenlady

I'm very sorry for what you have been through. I just wanted to tell you that of course I understand a separation is a small death BUT after all you've been through I'm sure you appreciate being healthy and alive more than the rest of us. I assure you things for you will be better in time. Stay strong as you've already done and keep your hopes up. Best wishes for you.

 

 

You're very sweet, SummerDreams. Thank you. XXX

[SummerDreams]

In my opinion bottom line here is: this woman for whatever reasons doesn't want to have sex not only with her H but with anyone for that matter. This is a concern of course and like every other concern a married couple has over the years it needs to be addressed, aknowledged, discussed and led to a result - solution. If this problem was something like "my wife wants to spends too much money and we are broke" or "my wife's cooking is bad" nobody would get that frustrated I think. We would say to this person "discuss this with your wife openly and together try to find a solution", he would thank us and this would be it. The OP should at this point in my opinion inform us whether he intends to discuss this openly with his wife and what he thinks her options should be. If he doesn't intend to address the problem I think we have nothing else to discuss unless he has another concern he wants to share. Trying to make this matter about ourselves is futile imo.

[heartbrokenlady]

Big chunks of this thread have just disappeared.

 

Admin. What is going on?????

[William]

Big chunks of this thread have just disappeared.

 

Admin. What is going on?????

 

 

Did some minor clean up of some discussion that was more general in nature rather then being focused on the OP and their situation.

 

As I sort through, any on topic portions of those posts will be restored as appropriate.

 

We would also prefer that questions like this be asked privately via PM or the "ALERT US" function rather then adding additional off topic content to a thread. ~T

Edited December 24, 2017 by William

[Els]

 

I also don't think she doesn't love me, what I do think is that our "love languages" are very different. In her mind cooking me a meal or picking up my dry cleaning equates to an expression of love (i.e. acts of service) in my mind it doesn't add up that way. I would say that theses are just necessary chores that someone would have to do anyway, if I had a room mate I would expect them to cook their share of meals or do me a favor occasionally and if they didn't I would find another room mate.

 

Yes, but a roommate wouldn't accept you paying half the amount of rent they are paying either, right? I do think that if one party works a more stressful job in order to be the main breadwinner, in a committed relationship the other person would naturally take over most of the chores. And when the main breadwinner does some of the chores despite being tired and stressed from work, it really is an expression of love. That's how I feel whenever the SO does them around here, anyway.

 

However, regardless of her intention, you are right that if this isn't the sort of love language you want, she should try to "speak" yours instead. Which brings me to the next point...

 

She doesn't see me wanting her to light candles and surprise me by showing up in the bedroom in a sheer outfit with high heels as an expression of love. Or at the very least she doesn't get that I see it that way. That by expressing desire for me she is saying "I love you" in a way I understand and appreciate.

 

Have you told her this? Does she know that you would much rather she do this than cook for you? If you have, what was her response?