Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?

[SummerDreams]

 

 

If you want more sex, you need to get her turned on. She may not be in the mood initially, but you CAN work on her to get her in the mood. You know what turns her on, gets her off. Do a LOT more of it! Get her so aroused she doesn't want to say no.

 

I think this is an illusion. It's like someone hating to eat meat and you suggesting we put some sauce to make it tastier so they eat it. This woman doesn't not like sex with her husband. She doesn't want to have sex in general. I understand it's hard for some people to understand it but this is a reality that exists. There are people indeed who don't want to have sex and they don't miss it at all. This is the base we have to start in order to advise the OP.

[Cullenbohannon]

Contrary to what you seem to believe, not all men are just doing the whole romance/dates thing in order to get sex.

 

Not sure where you got that from. The topic of the thread is sexless marriage. I read a lot of attacks on men who dare broach the topic of more sex (the horror!!). My apologies for my thoughts.

 

Rather the parry, I will simply take the "just be nice to me" and run with it. BTW being "nice" does include (gasp) date nights, especially surprise ones.

 

Happy Holidays.

[wmacbride]

We do have date nights occasionally but we should probably do it more often, right now its a frequency of about three or four times a year.

 

The kids have actually reached an age where they kind of take care of themselves, even the sixteen year old is self sufficient enough to be left home for at least a few hours without fear he will burn down the house. The problem is getting that alone time for romance at home.

 

My stepdaughter is a complicated kid, 24 and some what directionless, all her friends went away to school and she never really made new ones, her Mom is her best friend and they spend quite a bit of time together. She was dating a guy pretty seriously for four years but they broke up last year, he was older (27) and a medical student so we had hopes that maybe she would marry well if nothing else. After the breakup I found out through talking to mutual acquaintances that he left her because she wouldn't sleep with him, kept saying she wasn't ready. I have to give the guy credit I wouldn't have dated a girl for four years with no sex. I talked to her about it briefly and it appears that she wasn't comfortable doing anything for him along those lines although she says that she did love him. When her Mom and I pressed her she finally admitted that she thought she might be Bi-Sexual though why that would prevent her from having sex with her boyfriend was never clear. She is not at all religious, none of us are, so I know that was not the problem.

 

Since the breakup she hasn't dated anyone new or made any new friends, all the ones she had were really his and they went with him when the relationship went south. Bottom line I have a sad 24 year old girl, possible Bi-sexual or maybe androgynous hard to say given how she dresses (tomboy, hates dresses and girl clothes, if you didn't know better you would think she was a young boy as she mostly wears logo t-shirts from the Target boys department) who sits at home most of the time and hangs with her Mom. That can be tricky to work around since my wife doesn't like having sex unless she is sure her daughter is asleep with the door closed.

 

We could and have gone out for overnights on rare occasions maybe once or twice a year but its not like we could get a hotel room five or six times a month because we want to have sex. Who could afford that? It feels sometimes like we live on those tiny house shows on HGTV

 

This year we have gone on romantic overnights twice but both times it got screwed up - The first time with the bad luck that only seems to follow me I got a freaking prostate infection right after we got to the hotel and spent the weekend with blood coming out of my penis so no sex. My urologists says that is not uncommon in men my age to get prostate infections for no real reason, that was my first and the timing was crappy. Four months later we tried again and went further from home, two hundred miles to another city for a weekend trip. What happens, our son has a fight with his best friend and since he suffers from depression like me he went into a funk and thought he was going to harm himself. We get a hysterical call at 11:00 at night from my Step Daughter saying my son was crying on his bed and was afraid he would harm himself. I'm two hundred miles away and not in an immediate position to help, I managed to find a suicide prevention care place and got my step daughter to drive him there and commit him until the next morning while his Mom and i hastily packed to come back.

 

By the time we returned exhausted the next morning he was fine, said he was sorry he scared everyone and didn't know what came over him. He and his friend made up the next afternoon and were off having a good time that night. Kids right it always something, I'm glad my son was o.k. but it did ruin my wife and my weekend for the second time. There are times I think I have a curse or something.

 

woah..let me stop you right here.

 

There are people whoa re asexual, and it's possible this applies to your daughter. Please don't try and make her feel like there is something wrong with her because she isn't interested in sex.

 

If she is asexual, she may well feel bad enough already.

 

Some men and women have no interest in sex. That doesn't make them broken, in need of hormone shots, medications or anything else. That is just who they are.So long as they are open about that with any relationship partners they happen to have, and both are happy, that's their business.

 

I'm not talking about someone who was interested and now isn't. That is a different kettle of fish. ( like your wife)

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey friend! Thanks for sharing here! I think that it is brave that you open your heart so honestly and look for help! I think that, if you have a good relationship with your wife, it is normal to want physical intimacy with her, despite the years passed and the age difference!

 

I am sorry to hear that your last consultation with a specialist resulted in having to “suck it up”! This does not seem like an ideal solution for any problem in marriage! Have you had a second opinion? I think that trying marriage counseling could be a good option. I see that you mentioned that your wife is going through Menopause and other medical issues. Has you consulted with her Dr on how this can affect her sexuality?

 

I think that having a better understanding of this stage of her life might help both of you to set proper expectations and make acceptable commitments regarding sex. Keep constant communication with your wife about how you feel disconnected from her! In marriage, sex is not just about the physical! It is the way we, as men, express emotional connection in a way that feels real for us! If she knows that your need of sex is just not physical, she might be willing to change her mind!

Edited December 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TexasRob]

wmacbride -

 

I think you might turn out to be right about my step-daughter, obviously I don't talk to her about sex a lot if at all but I get the distinct impression she has little or no interest in it. I just find that hard to wrap my head around I guess because I am so much the other way and can't imagine anyone wanting to go through life without the joy and closeness that sex can bring to a relationship.

[wmacbride]

wmacbride -

 

I think you might turn out to be right about my step-daughter, obviously I don't talk to her about sex a lot if at all but I get the distinct impression she has little or no interest in it. I just find that hard to wrap my head around I guess because I am so much the other way and can't imagine anyone wanting to go through life without the joy and closeness that sex can bring to a relationship.

 

She doesn't get that from it at all. I don't know why,but it is who she is.

 

Does your wife know just how bad all of this is making you feel? I'm asking because if she doesn't have the same view f sex as you do, it might be hard for her to understand how hurtful this has been for you.

 

From what you say, she loves you. If she were asked why she wasn't more interested in sex, what do you think she would say, beyond it being painful?

[TexasRob]

Update - So I was hoping to sit down and have a long talk last weekend but she came home sick on Friday, that is the problem with taking immunity suppressant drugs you can get an infection at the drop of a hat. Since she felt bad all weekend I decided the timing was terrible so I didn't mention anything. Yesterday she started to feel better so last night I broached the subject as gingerly as I could, it was a mixed bag reaction wise but I did learn a few things.

 

I asked her if I did enough to at least keep her engaged in the idea of having sex even if she didn't think about it her self and was there anything I could do to make her more receptive to it.

 

She replied that she appreciated that I tried to create romantic opportunities for us and she knows that it can be difficult in a small house with two grown children to do that. I like that she at least noticed that I was trying.

 

She did have a problem with what she referred to as my tendency to "paw at her" during the day. I admit I wasn't sure what she was talking about at first, it turns out she wasn't happy with some of my touchy/feely behaviors that go beyond a quick hug or a kiss on the cheek. I mentioned before that I am a very affectionate person and even more so with her. What she didn't like was things like me slipping up behind her when she is making a sandwich in the kitchen and wrapping my arms around her and kissing her neck or trying to nibble her earlobes. According to her -

 

"I'm trying to make a sandwich, no woman wants to be mauled and pawed at when their trying to do something"

 

as she says -

 

"That just turns me off and makes me agitated, if your trying to get me in the mood that isn't going to do it"

 

I also have a tendency to stop her if I cross paths with her in the house and she is headed one way and I am going the other to go in for a hug or a quick kiss. This also annoys her because -

 

"If I'm going somewhere with purpose I don't like to be blocked and grabbed at, I have something I'm trying to do and it makes me uncomfortable to be constantly stopped. It doesn't feel affectionate to me it feels controlling."

 

This then is another turn off.

 

Another complaint ,and I will cop to this one as being true, is that if we are alone on the couch at night she likes to cuddle with me while we watch T.V. but sometimes her proximity and the fact that I don't get enough sex to my mind causes me to sometimes make moves on her. I will place a hand on her breast or start trying to kiss her during commercials, even reach inside her shirt occasionally. As it turns out she really hates all that ****.

 

"When were on the couch at night I'm just looking to have some affectionate alone time not a teenage sex romp. Your like a teen boy always trying to stick your hand down my shirt or get me to make out with you and that is just a huge turn off. When it comes bed time any interest I had in sex is out the window because I'm so irritated with you by then."

 

I take the blame for the above, I get carried away easily when we are alone together and I push to hard, I need to learn to back off and just be there with her without sex on the agenda.

 

She admits that she doesn't do anything to initiate sex anymore, partly because she just doesn't think about it and partly out of embarrassment. It seems she doesn't think she is attractive anymore and can't imagine why I do. That is one reason she won't wear sexy outfits anymore because as she puts it -

 

"I don't feel sexy, I feel like a fat cow and who wants to see a fat cow in a skimpy outfit"

 

Well, I would actually, if it were her, but that doesn't seem to comfort her at all. I'm not sure how to help her with this one, if I point out that she could do more to make herself feel better (i.e. exercise and eat better) then I am confirming that she is fat and unattractive and that makes her sad. If I let things lay as they are she is going to feel that way even if I say it doesn't bother me, kind of a catch twenty-two there.

 

She admits that it worries her that I am so obviously sexual and get so upset when we aren't having sex because she is afraid that I will eventually get sick of her and go find it someplace else. This is not an unreasonable fear because I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about it a time or two. That being said I certainly didn't tell her that. I just told her that I loved her and that she was being silly and we just needed to work on things together.

 

All in all it wasn't a bad conversation although nothing got solved really, I consider it laying the ground work for future talks, like I work for the United Nations or the State Department .

 

I came away a little hopeful but a little sad because I think ultimately this is going to boil down to her giving a small bit of ground and me learning how to be happy with having a lot less sex than I want. I know I should be able to do that if I really love her but I can see this as being a very big hill for me to climb.

[BaileyB]

Well, I will just share that I personally love it when my partner comes up behind me and kisses my neck while I'm making a sandwich or stops me in the hall for a quick hug or a kiss.

 

But clearly, she does not enjoy these little expressions of affection... so, to each their own... knowing this now, you can certainly change your behavior.

 

My only suggestion... Next time you talk, ask her what you can do to be affectionate (that is not sex and will not lead to sex or cause any pressure to have sex) that she would enjoy. Tell her to give you directions, and you will follow them... Furthermore, you should also be able to make some requests of her. Is there something small that she could do to show you some affection - something that you would enjoy and she would find acceptable?

 

I do think that it's going to be a long road. The fact that she finds the things that you do to show affection "annoying" is not a good thing.

[BluesPower]

Update - So I was hoping to sit down and have a long talk last weekend but she came home sick on Friday, that is the problem with taking immunity suppressant drugs you can get an infection at the drop of a hat. Since she felt bad all weekend I decided the timing was terrible so I didn't mention anything. Yesterday she started to feel better so last night I broached the subject as gingerly as I could, it was a mixed bag reaction wise but I did learn a few things.

 

I asked her if I did enough to at least keep her engaged in the idea of having sex even if she didn't think about it her self and was there anything I could do to make her more receptive to it.

 

She replied that she appreciated that I tried to create romantic opportunities for us and she knows that it can be difficult in a small house with two grown children to do that. I like that she at least noticed that I was trying.

 

She did have a problem with what she referred to as my tendency to "paw at her" during the day. I admit I wasn't sure what she was talking about at first, it turns out she wasn't happy with some of my touchy/feely behaviors that go beyond a quick hug or a kiss on the cheek. I mentioned before that I am a very affectionate person and even more so with her. What she didn't like was things like me slipping up behind her when she is making a sandwich in the kitchen and wrapping my arms around her and kissing her neck or trying to nibble her earlobes. According to her -

 

"I'm trying to make a sandwich, no woman wants to be mauled and pawed at when their trying to do something"

 

as she says -

 

"That just turns me off and makes me agitated, if your trying to get me in the mood that isn't going to do it"

 

I also have a tendency to stop her if I cross paths with her in the house and she is headed one way and I am going the other to go in for a hug or a quick kiss. This also annoys her because -

 

"If I'm going somewhere with purpose I don't like to be blocked and grabbed at, I have something I'm trying to do and it makes me uncomfortable to be constantly stopped. It doesn't feel affectionate to me it feels controlling."

 

This then is another turn off.

 

Another complaint ,and I will cop to this one as being true, is that if we are alone on the couch at night she likes to cuddle with me while we watch T.V. but sometimes her proximity and the fact that I don't get enough sex to my mind causes me to sometimes make moves on her. I will place a hand on her breast or start trying to kiss her during commercials, even reach inside her shirt occasionally. As it turns out she really hates all that ****.

 

"When were on the couch at night I'm just looking to have some affectionate alone time not a teenage sex romp. Your like a teen boy always trying to stick your hand down my shirt or get me to make out with you and that is just a huge turn off. When it comes bed time any interest I had in sex is out the window because I'm so irritated with you by then."

 

I take the blame for the above, I get carried away easily when we are alone together and I push to hard, I need to learn to back off and just be there with her without sex on the agenda.

 

She admits that she doesn't do anything to initiate sex anymore, partly because she just doesn't think about it and partly out of embarrassment. It seems she doesn't think she is attractive anymore and can't imagine why I do. That is one reason she won't wear sexy outfits anymore because as she puts it -

 

"I don't feel sexy, I feel like a fat cow and who wants to see a fat cow in a skimpy outfit"

 

Well, I would actually, if it were her, but that doesn't seem to comfort her at all. I'm not sure how to help her with this one, if I point out that she could do more to make herself feel better (i.e. exercise and eat better) then I am confirming that she is fat and unattractive and that makes her sad. If I let things lay as they are she is going to feel that way even if I say it doesn't bother me, kind of a catch twenty-two there.

 

She admits that it worries her that I am so obviously sexual and get so upset when we aren't having sex because she is afraid that I will eventually get sick of her and go find it someplace else. This is not an unreasonable fear because I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about it a time or two. That being said I certainly didn't tell her that. I just told her that I loved her and that she was being silly and we just needed to work on things together.

 

All in all it wasn't a bad conversation although nothing got solved really, I consider it laying the ground work for future talks, like I work for the United Nations or the State Department .

 

I came away a little hopeful but a little sad because I think ultimately this is going to boil down to her giving a small bit of ground and me learning how to be happy with having a lot less sex than I want. I know I should be able to do that if I really love her but I can see this as being a very big hill for me to climb.

 

So, this is just what I thought...was happening with her.

 

One of 2 things is happening with her:

 

1) She is having an affair, and she does not want to cheat on her other man too much with you. And please do not think that it is impossible, because it is not.

 

2) She does not love you, she has fallen out of love with you, and she is totally not attracted to you no matter what kind of shape you are in.

 

I was reading your post to my GF, and she was appalled at the things your wife said, and she said that your wife does not love you, or is having an affair.

 

For the record, most women on planet earth love for the man that they are in love with to come up behind them and give them a gentle hug and kiss their neck.

 

I do all of the things your wife hates, and my GF responds positively ever single time. When I kissed her neck this morning, it led to a passionate make out session and an hour of sex for like the 3rd of 4 time in the last 12 hours.

 

That is the difference between a woman that loves you and desires you and a woman that does not.

 

Sorry, your next talk needs to include this sentence..."If our sex life does not change dramatically I will be filing for divorce."

 

That is coming from my girl friend not me, although I completely agree with her...

[somanymistakes]

apologies: haven't read whole thread, just going off your update

 

A lot of that sounds like she doesn't want to be touched and doesn't enjoy touch. The big question is whether it's by you or by anyone

 

I LOVE it when someone I love comes up behind me and cuddles, and I love to cuddle people that I care about. If someone I didn't love grabbed at me it would creep me out. But I love cuddling in general, physical touch is one of my love languages. Some people don't like it as much.

 

I feel like she's not being totally honest here - can't tell if she's lying to herself or just to you. Because I strongly doubt that you touching her less is going to result in her being happy to have sex. It doesn't sound like she wants sex at all. At best it seems like she's saying "If you stop groping me so much, MAYBE i'll lie there and LET you have sex with my unresisting body once in a while, as long as you get it over with quickly" And what fun is that?

 

If you are a very cuddly person that needs to be touched, being paired with someone who is repulsed by your touch is not good for you long-term. It will make you steadily more depressed and eventually angry, because on an instinctual level you will feel not just deprived of sex but deprived of acceptance. You will feel rejected and miserable. You should not have to be.

[elaine567]

I guess it all really boils down to the "fat cow" opinion she has about herself.

She feels fat and ugly and so all this attention she is getting from him she probably thinks is not because he finds her attractive, but because he is always horny and desperate for sex and that doesn't really make her feel very good.

She probably feels he is also putting on an act and that he would much rather be groping some younger slimmer model and she is just the booby prize. It is not an uncommon problem for older women in this youth obsessed society

She cannot relax and take the attention as to her it feels false. How can he possibly find her attractive?

She is thus annoyed with him and with herself too.

She doesn't want to pawed like she is a sex toy as the last thing she feels is sexy at the moment.

 

She needs to work on her self esteem and realise that this man although he is slightly obsessed with sex, seems to love the bones of her, fat cow or not.

[BourneWicked]

Well, I will just share that I personally love it when my partner comes up behind me and kisses my neck while I'm making a sandwich or stops me in the hall for a quick hug or a kiss.

 

But clearly, she does not enjoy these little expressions of affection... so, to each their own... knowing this now, you can certainly change your behavior.

 

My only suggestion... Next time you talk, ask her what you can do to be affectionate (that is not sex and will not lead to sex or cause any pressure to have sex) that she would enjoy. Tell her to give you directions, and you will follow them... Furthermore, you should also be able to make some requests of her. Is there something small that she could do to show you some affection - something that you would enjoy and she would find acceptable?

 

I do think that it's going to be a long road. The fact that she finds the things that you do to show affection "annoying" is not a good thing.

 

A lot of good advice on here...

 

The above is my favorite. This is something that I face in my relationship (from someone who is moving on from a long distance affair, take it all with as much salt and lime as you like) and struggle with.

 

Every. touch. my SO gives me is directed towards sex. When he sees me, he makes grunting sounds. Sometimes I want to know that he cares for me, even if we don't have sex that night. If he cuddled me, and didn't try to dig in my pants, that would be amazing! That doesn't happen. One night, I didn't want to have sex (our frequency is 5-10 times a week, and I rarely ever say no). he walked out of the room, and I actually texted him before falling asleep, it would be nice if you still wanted to kiss me goodnight if I don't want sex.

 

I would try, if you can, to do as much affectionate touching (on the arm, on the hand, a quick squeeze) where you aren't pushing for sex as possible and see if that makes a difference for her. That's something I've been asking for in my relationship for some time. Might help, might not, but worth a try.

[OpenBook]

She admits that it worries her that I am so obviously sexual and get so upset when we aren't having sex because she is afraid that I will eventually get sick of her and go find it someplace else. This is not an unreasonable fear because I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about it a time or two. That being said I certainly didn't tell her that. I just told her that I loved her and that she was being silly and we just needed to work on things together.

 

Can't believe you told her she was being silly. Why didn't you tell her the truth?? She needs to hear it. She is endangering your marriage! If she tries to dismiss it or asks why it's so freaking important to you, tell her exactly what somany said:

 

If you are a very cuddly person that needs to be touched, being paired with someone who is repulsed by your touch is not good for you long-term. It will make you steadily more depressed and eventually angry, because on an instinctual level you will feel not just deprived of sex but deprived of acceptance. You will feel rejected and miserable. You should not have to be.

 

or even better, what Blues said:

 

Sorry, your next talk needs to include this sentence..."If our sex life does not change dramatically I will be filing for divorce."

 

Reassuring her is getting you nowhere. It's so awesome that you want HER and her alone. But if she's not willing to dance, you're not going to wait forever for her to come around.

 

She needs to know that.

[BluesPower]

I guess it all really boils down to the "fat cow" opinion she has about herself.

She feels fat and ugly and so all this attention she is getting from him she probably thinks is not because he finds her attractive, but because he is always horny and desperate for sex and that doesn't really make her feel very good.

She probably feels he is also putting on an act and that he would much rather be groping some younger slimmer model and she is just the booby prize. It is not an uncommon problem for older women in this youth obsessed society

She cannot relax and take the attention as to her it feels false. How can he possibly find her attractive?

She is thus annoyed with him and with herself too.

She doesn't want to pawed like she is a sex toy as the last thing she feels is sexy at the moment.

 

She needs to work on her self esteem and realise that this man although he is slightly obsessed with sex, seems to love the bones of her, fat cow or not.

 

Sorry E567... I just think this is dead wrong.

 

She does not want sex with her husband, period. She does not love him or she is having an affair. It is not the RA, it is not that he is hyper sexual, it is not he does not do enough around the house,...

 

IT IS BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM AND SHE IS NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM, AGAIN PEROID.

 

Why is it the man that is always obsessed with sex. He is married and he is a good husband and father, he wants to get laid because his wife is supposed to love him and she does not.

 

Stop making excuses for her, and please lets admit what is going on.

 

The problem is that TR is too weak to see what is going on here, if he was a stronger man, he would have divorced her a long time ago...

[5x5]

She admits that it worries her that I am so obviously sexual and get so upset when we aren't having sex because she is afraid that I will eventually get sick of her and go find it someplace else. This is not an unreasonable fear because I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about it a time or two. That being said I certainly didn't tell her that. I just told her that I loved her and that she was being silly and we just needed to work on things together.

 

Her actions betray her words.

 

If it really worried her, she wouldn't behave as she does.

[SummerDreams]

What I hear from what she is saying are the following:

I don't like having sex, it's not my priority in life, I have so many things that make me nervous and worry me in life and I hate it that you have the luxury to dedicate time and energy to thinking or having sex BUT at the same time I recognize you the right to do that and demand sex from your wife BUT at the same time this makes me angry. All this is complicated in my head because from one hand I recognize this right you have but from the other hand I can't force myself to have sex while I don't want to. Even though I do have sex with you sometimes I still see it's not enough for you and that makes me even more upset. Every time you approach me to hug or kiss me you remind me of the fact that you are expecting something from me and I am not willing to give it to you as often as you want it and that makes me nervous that maybe you will leave me. But can I live my life with this threat of you abandoning me? Should I force myself to have sex whenever you like in order to keep you? Why don't you accept the fact that the sex we are going to have from now on and probably forever is going to be twice a month? Why should it be me who makes the sacrifice? Should I? This is my every day struggle.

[Trail Blazer]

What I hear from what she is saying are the following:

I don't like having sex, it's not my priority in life, I have so many things that make me nervous and worry me in life and I hate it that you have the luxury to dedicate time and energy to thinking or having sex BUT at the same time I recognize you the right to do that and demand sex from your wife BUT at the same time this makes me angry. All this is complicated in my head because from one hand I recognize this right you have but from the other hand I can't force myself to have sex while I don't want to. Even though I do have sex with you sometimes I still see it's not enough for you and that makes me even more upset. Every time you approach me to hug or kiss me you remind me of the fact that you are expecting something from me and I am not willing to give it to you as often as you want it and that makes me nervous that maybe you will leave me. But can I live my life with this threat of you abandoning me? Should I force myself to have sex whenever you like in order to keep you? Why don't you accept the fact that the sex we are going to have from now on and probably forever is going to be twice a month? Why should it be me who makes the sacrifice? Should I? This is my every day struggle.

That's pretty much what I read into the situation. And it's also similar to what I am dealing with. On the few occasions I've brought up our lack sex, what it simply boils down to is that she doesn't desire it and claims to have had a reduction in desire to additional stresses of kids and finances. The fact that I have "the spare space in my head to think about sex" suggests to her that I'm not as dedicated to the cause of solving our marriage dilemmas.

 

My wife isn't battling any debilitating physical conditions which limit her sexual desire, unlike the OP's wife. For mine, I think stress in a marriage and 'forgetting' your desire is mutually exclusive. My wife simply doesn't want to make sex a priority. Sometimes I'd even go so far as to suggest that she intentionally loads herself with additional responsibilities (helping her friends draft legal letters or business plans) just to say she's overburdened with obligations and thus sex is ipso facto pushed further back into her mind.

 

Essentially I am made to feel guilty about wanting sex because it's an indication that I have the "mental space" to think about it and desire it. Despite my insistences thst it's an important part of partners bonding, my wife avoids acknowledging that or its importance. Then she'll say straight out that if I pressure her I'll just make things worse. Well, if she keeps turning me down while trying to convince me that my sexual desires are a kind of privilege resulting from less mental burdens then she too will just make things worse.

[SummerDreams]

I'd like to ask men in sexless marriages; What would you like your wife to do given the fact sex is not a priority for her or she is not in the mood for it due to various reasons? Would you like her to force herself into doing it anyway? Would you like her to be straight about it and ask for a divorce? Would you like her to let you find a mistress? I am interested to know what your solution would be.

[wmacbride]

I'm going to put this out there, and I expect it will not be taken well, but I do think it might help.

 

I was talking with some fronds online ( We live far away from each other) about pretty much this subject some time ago. One of the women was saying her husband was very much like you, and she was upset.

 

We commented, and after some discussion, we were able to figure out the issue.

 

Somehow, she had gotten the message that men view sex as a form of "recreation" ( sorry, but I don't know how better to put it) and her husband was just seeing it that way. She had somehow gotten the idea that it wasn't an expression of affection or love, it was just him being all wound up.

 

I'm not sure where that idea came from. I think part of it could be how prominent sex is in at least western culture ( sex sells, I guess). In her mind, that had somehow stripped any of the meaning it should have.

 

We were finally able to convince her to talk to her husband about it. From what she says, they had a long talk, and he explained to her that, to him, it was the best way he could show her how much he loves and adores her.

 

Op, is it possible that, your wife's mind, something similar may have happened? She knows you want to have sex with her , but doe she understand why? That it's not just that you enjoy it, it's because you love her so much and want to be as close to her as you can? Does she understand that this is how you show her love? Ask her how she shows you love and affection, and how would she feel if you began to reject those actions?

 

To give her credit, at least she was open to talking to you. That's a good start. Keep it up.

[wmacbride]

Can't believe you told her she was being silly. Why didn't you tell her the truth?? She needs to hear it. She is endangering your marriage! If she tries to dismiss it or asks why it's so freaking important to you, tell her exactly what somany said:

 

 

 

or even better, what Blues said:

 

 

 

Reassuring her is getting you nowhere. It's so awesome that you want HER and her alone. But if she's not willing to dance, you're not going to wait forever for her to come around.

 

She needs to know that.

 

Actually, calling her concerns "silly", while meant to be kind and reassuring, may well have been seen as dismissive.

 

How would you take it if she called his feelings and worries "silly" ?

 

Op, if you and your wife go out, do you point out to her if guys are looking at her and seeing her as attractive? Thant can give her concrete examples that she is desirable and not the "fat cow" she sees herself as?

 

She might well fuss and get annoyed, but it will likley give her a little jolt of self esteem.

( I know that sounds corny, but , especially in people with a chronic illnesses, your self esteem can take a real shot in a lot of ways. You begin to feel like you are letting your spouse down.)

Edited December 20, 2017 by wmacbride

[SummerDreams]

I think most people still don't understand that this woman probably is a person who doesn't want to have sex. It seems non understandable to them that's why they keep trying to find ways to get the fire going in this relationship. I will use an example that came to my mind but please do not misunderstand me.

Have you watched the show Survivor where there is a challenge for immunity where they have to eat gross stuff? If you decide to eat this stuff you are doing something you don't want to do, something that doesn't come natural to you, you force yourself to do something you don't want to do in order to win immunity and stay in the game. If you decide to not eat it you take the risk that you will lose the challenge and you will be vulnerable to be voted out of the game. So what do you do? Both decisions require some sacrifices.

This woman needs to know what her options are. Is the lack of sex a deal breaker? Is there a better deal she can take? These discussions should be made.

[Trail Blazer]

I'd like to ask men in sexless marriages; What would you like your wife to do given the fact sex is not a priority for her or she is not in the mood for it due to various reasons? Would you like her to force herself into doing it anyway? Would you like her to be straight about it and ask for a divorce? Would you like her to let you find a mistress? I am interested to know what your solution would be.

 

What I'd like her to do and what I'd reasonably expect her to do are 2 very different things. I'd like her to fix whatever it is that's causing her lack of sex drive so that I don't have suffer a sexless marriage riddled with sheer frustration. I'm a verile man with a very healthy desire for sex and would very much like to consumate my love with the woman I promised to be with forever.

 

What would I expect from her realistically? I don't know - perhaps some honesty. Instead of fobbing if off, downplaying its importance, blame shifting it. You know, I'd just like a big of honesty. I'd like women to own why and how they can be so fickle when it comes to their sexual desires. I'd like them to acknowledge how utterly frustrating and perplexing it is that their emotions can completely destroy their libidos and therefore undermine the very promise that every verile man made at the alter.

 

There is enough male bashing ideology and feminist propaganda floating around in society to cherry pick aspects about men to make it all their fault. Whether it is or whether it isn't, it's the cognitive biases which convince women that men should jump through hoops to appease their whimsical capriciousness. No man is perfect but stupid books like Eat Pray Love espouse this notion where if a guy isn't perfect then his imperfections are a personal slight for which he deserves to be admonished.

 

tl;dr a divorce! It is seemingly the only way. *sigh*

[central]

I'd like to ask men in sexless marriages; What would you like your wife to do given the fact sex is not a priority for her or she is not in the mood for it due to various reasons? Would you like her to force herself into doing it anyway? Would you like her to be straight about it and ask for a divorce? Would you like her to let you find a mistress? I am interested to know what your solution would be.

 

 

 

My ex and I tried everything - well, mostly I tried, and she resisted. Finally, the only solution in that case was to divorce her, and I did.

 

 

In my current relationship, my wife and I both came from sexless prior marriages, and we are both high libido and love sex. We agreed that we'd never accept such a situation again. So we agreed to several things: we'd do everything possible to keep our sex life active and interesting; we'd discuss any problems or issues that could affect our sex life and work out a solution; we'd divorce if we reached a point where we couldn't fix a problem, OR, (if we wanted to stay together anyway), we'd have an open marriage and one or both of us would be free to have sex with other people - we'd just have to tell the other that we were going to pursue this option, so it would be done honestly (and provide a final opportunity to find another solution).

[4fin]

What I hear from what she is saying are the following: But can I live my life with this threat of you abandoning me? Should I force myself to have sex whenever you like in order to keep you? Why don't you accept the fact that the sex we are going to have from now on and probably forever is going to be twice a month? Why should it be me who makes the sacrifice? Should I? This is my every day struggle.

 

I'll take a stab at these questions:

1. The OP has not threatened to abandon his wife. He's considered an affair but whether right or wrong did not disclose that to not hurt his wife.

2. The OP has not asked his wife to have sex with him whenever he likes. The title of the thread is "how do you compromise". He's looking to meet somewhere between her interest which is zero and his which is 3-4 times a week. He's fully aware due to her health issues 3-4 times a week is off the table and is trying to move beyond biweekly pity sex.

3. Despite what many women may think sex is not just sex with a lot of men. It is a way to bond. Being a married man who is not in an open relationship he has one outlet for sex. Reverse this question and ask "should I just accept the fact that you would prefer to have sex 0 times a year (her words not his) but am willing to accept sex 2 x's a month even if that means when we have sex it includes 0 desire for me? When you want sex with the one person you vowed to be faithful to and they have zero interest in sex with you it is damaging to your self confidence and well being. When you love and are attracted to your wife and she discounts the legitimacy of your attraction that doesn't help a husband's self confidence either.

4. If my wife saw sex with me as a sacrifice that was 100% her burden I'd be gone. As it stands the OP is the one making the sacrifice. The need for bonding he receives through sex with his wife is sex that is wholly unwanted which is hardly the kind of bonding that holds a marriage together. Receiving sacrificial sex has a desire component of zero from your partner. It is clear the OP desires his wife. Do you really think it is the wife in this situation that bears the burden of this sacrifice or is it the OP? From what I've read he's the one making the sacrifice. If the roles were reversed and the OP were the wife I'd side with her.

5. "Should I?" Seeing that you took a vow with another person to spend the rest of your life with that person and makes no mention of celibacy you tell me. Vows don't include how often you should have sex but they do mention fidelity which requires no sex with anyone else. In this situation sacrifice is going to happen and is happening. The partner who desires sex the least (zero in her case) controls the relationship. Looking from the outside this situation is a no win for both parties in its current state. Life is too short to spend it having sex with someone you have no desire to or not having sex with someone you have great desire for.

[TexasRob]

If there is one thing I like about this board it is the diversity of opinions and ideas, thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts.

 

After reading all the posts above I would say the following -

 

I don't think she is having an affair, my previous spouse cheated on me constantly and I became a real detective during my time with her so I am very good at picking out the signs of infidelity and I don't see those here.

 

I also don't think she doesn't love me, what I do think is that our "love languages" are very different. In her mind cooking me a meal or picking up my dry cleaning equates to an expression of love (i.e. acts of service) in my mind it doesn't add up that way. I would say that theses are just necessary chores that someone would have to do anyway, if I had a room mate I would expect them to cook their share of meals or do me a favor occasionally and if they didn't I would find another room mate.

 

She doesn't see me wanting her to light candles and surprise me by showing up in the bedroom in a sheer outfit with high heels as an expression of love. Or at the very least she doesn't get that I see it that way. That by expressing desire for me she is saying "I love you" in a way I understand and appreciate.

 

We have touched on this is marriage counseling in the past but that was before the RA and menopause which have since undermined some of the compromises we made ten years ago. I think back then sex was about five to six times a month which was sufficient to at least keep my head above water although not ideal.

 

I get the whole idea of "a man needs sex to feel love, a woman needs love to want sex" and I guess that is the crux of the compromise. How do we make sure we are both getting enough of what we want.

 

I realize that when we married if was for life including "in sickness and in health" but saying it and living it are very different things. I think I had this idea in my head that we would be healthy together for a lot longer, I wasn't planning for the wheels to start to come off before she was even 60. I know that sounds selfish but I am having a crisis of faith in myself that I can deal with this decline if it will only get worse.

 

I'm feeling really down today because she woke up sick again this morning, the cold she thought was getting better turned worse but she won't go to the doctor because she has so much to do at work. She also says -

 

"It's just a cold it will pass" but because of her condition I have seen sinus infections and colds with her drag on for weeks and generally she won't do anything until at least week three. I can see her being sick all through Christmas when we actually have a few days off together scuttling any hope for romance over the holidays.

 

The other side of the coin is that I'm almost 50 years old and frankly, I don't want to start over again. I've built two marriages and both took a lot of time and energy. I don't want to date and put up with all the failures and false starts that always seem to go hat in hand with looking for a new relationship. Who's to say that it would be any better than where I am now, maybe I would find a woman that was a sexual dynamo but sucked with money or had a bad temper or thought my hobbies were boring.

 

I don't know I'm just venting, I need to think some more and maybe talk to my Dad over Christmas, my Mom has a lot of health issues and he deals with it I guess so maybe he has some insights. I avoid talking with my parents usually because they came to hate my first wife because I vented to them all the time about her so I try to never speak ill of my second wife in front of them.

Edited December 20, 2017 by TexasRob