Waiting for Marriage Before Sex...In His Forties

[1fish2fish]

None of these "rules," with the possible exception of the divorce discussion, have anything to do with religion. They just seem controlling. Maybe this is the reason he is never married at 46.

 

It also seems controlling.

 

 

Actually some of it does sound "religious" if he is a born again Christian and virgin. Some branches of Christianity are very patriarchal which means the man is considered the leader and headship in the relationship. Yuck.

 

Been there, done that, bought the submissive doormat.

 

What an awful thing to say to you! So ugly and judgmental. You should have offered to remove the log from his eye. (Matthew 7:3)

[JADIE]

So, last night really opened my eyes about this guy, and I might end it today.

 

We went out for drinks for his birthday.

 

I was asking him questions to try to get to know him better, and he told me to stop asking so many questions and that he would be more likely to open up to me if I just let him talk.

 

We were at a dive bar, and I asked him to dance with me when a good song came on--just for fun! He didn't like it that he had to dance with me in public (i.e. a crowded dive bar).

 

He told me to stop being so serious all the time.

 

He told me that the man should always be the one to initiate affection (so, basically, if I need a hug, I'm out of line to ask for it).

 

Finally, he told me that he had hesitated to ask me out to begin with because he was worried that I didn't have a biblical reason for my divorce. My divorce was very painful, and this made me cry. Also, my ex is dead, so I don't see that this matters any more. I'm still in bed right now because of this particular comment: being judged for such a difficult decision triggers depression for me.

 

None of these "rules," with the possible exception of the divorce discussion, have anything to do with religion. They just seem controlling. Maybe this is the reason he is never married at 46.

 

It also seems controlling.

 

What a disappointment. I should have listened to y'all!!

 

Ok, so I read your post from yesterday and was going to say Yes, it's possible for such convictions to be real and to give it time to see if it bears out with him. Lucky You! -- it only took one more date for the big reveal.

 

My SO of 7 yrs is born & raised fundamental Christian whereas I'm late to the game. From the word go, he struggled with the sexual side of our relationship since we're not married...but there was and is PLENTY of physical affection initiated by both of us. He "cracked" six months in but there have still been periods where either or both have felt troubled by the conflict of our religious beliefs with our actions. However, he has never told me to shut up, or shut me down when I ask him the tough questions. He doesn't try to make me fit into the "perfect Christian wife mold"...he had one of those and it did not end well. Similarly, the only changes I try to encourage him to make have to do with how we relate to each other, not with who he is as a man.

 

Your guy has a whole lot more going on than the rigidity of hardcore fundamental Christianity...he's just using that as camouflage for his unrealistic expectations and control issues. He has the rules of a Christian but not the heart of one. This is who he is and it's not conducive to love or marriage. You dodged a HUGE bullet...send up thanks to the God he believes he follows and move right along....

[Space Ritual]

It also seems controlling

 

It doesn't seem anything...it is controlling. Although if Eisenhower was still President it may seem more understandable as to why you were dating a creep.

 

Do you live in the Bible Belt?

 

When some guy in his 40's starts asking you for a "Biblical Reason" for anything I would expect the guy to be Norman Bates and have his embalmed Mother in a chair in the basement.

 

RUN!

[Be_Strong]

Did he know your ex-husband was dead when you started dating?

 

Having grown up in an extremely fundamental Christian home, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what is taught and believed by such individuals. When it comes to divorce, if the reason for the divorce is not a Biblically-recognized reason, then the belief is that even if you get a legal divorce, it won’t be recognized by God. Essentially, in the eyes of God, you would still be a married woman and if you were to have sex with a man other than your husband you would be committing adultery. From your boyfriend’s perspective then, if he first meets you and you tell him you are divorced, i guess it would be understandable under his belief system to be concerned that your divorce was Biblically proper, because if it wasn’t, HE could be committing adultery.

 

In any event, your ex-husband being dead was definitely the end of the marriage even in the eyes of God, so there wouldn’t be any concern. But maybe your boyfriend didn’t know that at first.

 

Having said all that, the way that your boyfriend raised this topic with you and the timing of it was terrible and seemed to be a way to hurt you in a judgmental fashion. Plus, all the other stuff you mentioned are giant red flags. You should run.

[jjgitties]

He's coming on a trip with some friends and me for New Years but will be staying in his own room/bathroom.

 

Do you think it's possible for these to be genuine convictions, or do you think that there might be some sexual dysfunction at play?

 

None of these "rules," with the possible exception of the divorce discussion, have anything to do with religion. They just seem controlling. Maybe this is the reason he is never married at 46.

 

It also seems controlling.

 

 

Dear OP. You dodged a bullet. This guy you have found and are dating is unfortunately a messed up guy. There are a lot more issues buried and hiding inside him and his head and you have only scratched the surface of it.

 

I would personally end this.

[Lamartine]

Thank you for your responses!

 

To clarify one point, he did know my husband was dead when we started dating. We met through a dating site, and I guess he was able to glean enough information from my profile to find out who I am and research me. I know for a fact that he read my ex-husband's obituary.

[Lamartine]

Also, yes, I do live in a conservative state in the Bible Belt. I know I am limiting my options severely when I refuse to date conservative men (despite my being a liberal trial lawyer), so I try to be tolerant. But I think I took my tolerance a little too far this time...

[jjgitties]

Also, yes, I do live in a conservative state in the Bible Belt. I know I am limiting my options severely when I refuse to date conservative men (despite my being a liberal trial lawyer), so I try to be tolerant. But I think I took my tolerance a little too far this time...

 

This guy doesn't sound conservative. He sounds messed up 46 year old. That New Year's Eve bathroom own room drama thing was just weird. This guy has more issues than readers digest magazine.

Edited December 21, 2017 by jjgitties

[BaileyB]

Ugh. This is not good.

 

I'm sorry he made you feel badly. Someone who loved you would want you to show affection, and he would not be so judgmental and unkind.

 

This guy is going to be single for a long time, with that kind of attitude.

[Be_Strong]

Lamartine,

You have way too much going for you to settle for this guy. There’s a lot of nice guys out there who would be a much better match for you.

[healing light]

Please tell us you dumped this guy.

 

He sounds like an ass, Christian or not.

[Lamartine]

He's calling e after work. Hopefully I don't lose my nerve.

[elaine567]

He's calling e after work. Hopefully I don't lose my nerve.

 

He may be kind to animals but so are all the woman at the cat shelter, do you want to date one of them?

I guess NO.

His bad points outweigh his good points.

How can you be with a man who you can't even hug as you have to wait for him to do so first.

I can see sex being very "interesting" if you ever get that far and not in a good way...

[Lamartine]

So we broke. He blamed it on me. He told he he was too tired to talk about it. What a jerk. I'm a little heartbroken. I thought he was such a good man. I don't know what was wrong with me. Maybe I'm not worthy of love.

[BaileyB]

So we broke. He blamed it on me. He told he he was too tired to talk about it. What a jerk. I'm a little heartbroken. I thought he was such a good man. I don't know what was wrong with me. Maybe I'm not worthy of love.

 

Of course, you are worthy of love. This man was just not the one.

 

Don't feel badly about that. You are now able to find someone else who treats you better. Take care.

[Sunlight72]

What a disappointment. I should have listened to y'all!!

You did listen - good job! Listening doesn't mean following advice you're not ready to act on, it means noting what people are offering as help, keeping it in mind, and then checking in your own life if that advice is accurate and something you want to act on.

 

I'm very proud of you that you had the clarity to follow your gut reaction on that last date and end this relationship!

 

Best Wishes.

[Sunlight72]

So we broke. He blamed it on me. He told he he was too tired to talk about it. What a jerk. I'm a little heartbroken. I thought he was such a good man. I don't know what was wrong with me. Maybe I'm not worthy of love.

You are very worthy of love.

 

It hurts. You were kind, and you saw him with loving eyes, and of course you wanted the same in return. I'm sorry he didn't offer you that with a cheerful and open heart.

 

It's hard. And - you did the right thing.

 

Having done this by your own decision has already made you stronger! Working the muscles of choice and action makes us sore, and then the muscles grow.

 

I'm sorry for your hurt right now. Take a hot shower, and soothe yourself. Tomorrow, or soon after, you'll feel relief and thankfulness that you were tough enough to stand up for yourself.

 

Peace to you.

[LurkerXX]

His deeply held convictions would not prevent him from addressing his concerns from a place of kindness; he is cold at heart, even if he does not show that face initially. He is just not the person you thought he was.

[smackie9]

There are people who have no idea what it is to be a true Christian....he is just a s^&%$$# person hiding behind a cloak of religion.

[Lamartine]

When he pointed out that he did all kinds of nice things for others, I said he wasn't doing them for me. He-the man I have seen several times a week for a month-said "I don't even know you." Like I'm not worthy of his Christian charity.

 

Do you think he even realizes the hypocrisy?

[Popsicle]

He's a weirdo. I dated a guy who was super heavily into Christianity once. Never ever again! Save those for the women who act the same way.

[act00]

Wow. You dodged a bullet with this one. Several people mentioned there's more going on than just this chastity and virtue thing...I guess you figured out there definitely is. This guy could have been on his most charming behavior until the wedding day and then unleashed the fury. I'm glad he showed his spots pretty quickly.

[Maggie4]

So, last night really opened my eyes about this guy, and I might end it today.

 

We went out for drinks for his birthday.

 

I was asking him questions to try to get to know him better, and he told me to stop asking so many questions and that he would be more likely to open up to me if I just let him talk.

 

We were at a dive bar, and I asked him to dance with me when a good song came on--just for fun! He didn't like it that he had to dance with me in public (i.e. a crowded dive bar).

 

He told me to stop being so serious all the time.

 

He told me that the man should always be the one to initiate affection (so, basically, if I need a hug, I'm out of line to ask for it).

 

Finally, he told me that he had hesitated to ask me out to begin with because he was worried that I didn't have a biblical reason for my divorce. My divorce was very painful, and this made me cry. Also, my ex is dead, so I don't see that this matters any more. I'm still in bed right now because of this particular comment: being judged for such a difficult decision triggers depression for me.

 

None of these "rules," with the possible exception of the divorce discussion, have anything to do with religion. They just seem controlling. Maybe this is the reason he is never married at 46.

 

It also seems controlling.

 

What a disappointment. I should have listened to y'all!!

 

I knew it! I knew it when I read your first post. There was a family acquaintance of mine that was like that. The no sex and religion was not the problem, it was that he was weird! And actually not very nice, I'd describe as misogynistic.

[GoreSP]

 

How would y'all handle this situation?

 

Well, I see this whole 'wait until marriage' thing on the brisk of slut shaming. I don't get this 'you shouldn't have sex with (insert here)'

 

That being said, it's his decision to wait until marriage and I wouldn't get involved simply because I think his decision should still be respected. There isn't much compromising here.

[jjgitties]

So we broke. He blamed it on me. He told he he was too tired to talk about it. What a jerk. I'm a little heartbroken. I thought he was such a good man. I don't know what was wrong with me. Maybe I'm not worthy of love.

 

What was it about him or what he said that made you think he was a "good man"? What "good" things did he actually do while you knew him? Did he go around helping homeless people or little starving kids in Asia in his spare time?

 

He sounded like he has some mental issues and probably there is a very long line of women that have left him because of those issues hence why he can't maintain a relationship with another human for very long.