LivingWaterPlease Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 This guy has convictions you don't have. I would expect that his beliefs in other areas would also be different than yours. Sounds to me as if you're incompatible so I wouldn't waste his time or yours by continuing to date. I don't see this as a debate about what's better, waiting or not, but more of a compatibility issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 So, what you're saying here is this guy is cast in stone and can't change his mind but a woman can? Nice try, no bueno, with me anyway. I'll just leave it at that. Based on what this guy has told OP, he has cast himself in stone. And yes, if a woman in her 40's told a man she was devoutly religious and had decided not to have sex until marriage and the man did not share the same opinion... I would be suggesting to him that they were not compatible and he should move on too... These two examples are apples and oranges, and it has nothing to do with gender. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I had to reread that at first. So this man has had sex at some point in his life and chooses not to have it until if and when he marries. He's not a person who has never had sex. If the second was the case, that's another set of circumstances. But since he is the first ... I'm sure he has his reasons for doing so, but my question is how do YOU feel about it? Sex is a big part of but not the only thing that defines an adult relationship. If you're okay with that, you're okay with that. But if you're not then we have an issue that needs discussion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 This guy has convictions you don't have. I would expect that his beliefs in other areas would also be different than yours. Sounds to me as if you're incompatible so I wouldn't waste his time or yours by continuing to date. I don't see this as a debate about what's better, waiting or not, but more of a compatibility issue. Since I can no longer edit my post, just want to add... After you move on send me his contact information. He sounds like exactly what I, and some other women I know, are looking for! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 In addition to the sex thing, you need to think long and hard if you're willing to be with a man who is very devout in his faith. It can cause serious issues if you're not on the same page, religiously speaking, particularly when children come into the picture. There are plenty of couples that have vastly different beliefs and they make it work, but you will have to forever deal with church on Sunday, the "rules" surrounding his beliefs, and any other issues that come about, and if you find these issues ridiculous, it will become a source of contention. I wouldn't worry so much about the sex thing. I'd be worried about the religious thing and doing a duck and run at this point. BTDT, and I don't want to be with someone who is that devout. I am religious to a point, but it doesn't dominate my life the way it does for other people. I'm not saying other people are wrong, but I am saying that when it comes to faith, people should be on the same page, and if they're not, it takes a lot of work to make it work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 Thank you all for your responses! I'm really going to have to think this one through. Men as genuinely kind as this one don't come into my life very often. He is willing to kiss, hold hands, and give back rubs. I completely respect his beliefs, and, as a Christian myself, I wish I had the conviction to live the way he does. However, although I am a believer, I am just not that devout. I think the differing beliefs may be a bigger deal for him than they are for me. Many of you expressed my chief worry as to his commitment not to have sex: I've been in a sexually incompatible marriage before, and I hate to risk putting myself in that position again. That said, I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner. I'd wrap an electric blanket around a body length pillow for that. He's already told you that's not going to happen, so wishing something would happen is time wasted. He's more than likely has had sex before, so it's not like you're dealing with a 40 year old virgin. This could very well be that you've attracted another sexually incompatible man--this time, he ups his "really kind and nice" game as a carrot to dangle in front of you as he leads you towards the altar. Then once the day is over, you find out you've got another incompatible man on your hands... and I'll bet he doesn't believe in divorce, either. Nope---the rest of your life is too long for that sort of risk. Living a life of quiet desperation isn't a good option, either. He's probably great as a friend, but as to the rest... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I fully believe this man as kind as he may be has sexual issues and will not be a good lover. Although it's assumed it's women who don't want to have sex in marriages the ugly truth is that there are also as many men who aren't into sex and their wives live in sexless marriages. Move on and find another kind person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 (edited) Many of you expressed my chief worry as to his commitment not to have sex: I've been in a sexually incompatible marriage before, and I hate to risk putting myself in that position again. That said, I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner. I'd discuss this with him; if you like and respect him it's best to be forthright about your concerns and see is he's open to compromise. As another poster has said, the lack of progressive intimacy would only be one of the issues - I'd have concerns about his views on spousal roles, personal autonomy in a marriage and divorce as well. Unless one shares a similar embrace of religion tenets in their daily life, it would be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who was extremely dedicated to their faith. He might be a good person but simply not a compatible partner for you. Edited December 11, 2017 by O'Malley 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 Many of you expressed my chief worry as to his commitment not to have sex: I've been in a sexually incompatible marriage before, and I hate to risk putting myself in that position again. That said, I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner. Then how can you even consider this? We're suppose to learn from our mistakes. To me his request would be a huge red flag. A man of 46 who's known sex should want sex in his romantic relationship no matter how religious he is. There is no such a thing of going back to being virgin. This tells me he has a low libido, he has ED, or surprise he has a micro-penis. No normal-sexually-healthy man of 46 would want to date a woman for what? 2-3-4 years without sex. He's not the only nice and kind man to date. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 Then how can you even consider this? We're suppose to learn from our mistakes. To me his request would be a huge red flag. A man of 46 who's known sex should want sex in his romantic relationship no matter how religious he is. There is no such a thing of going back to being virgin. This tells me he has a low libido, he has ED, or surprise he has a micro-penis. No normal-sexually-healthy man of 46 would want to date a woman for what? 2-3-4 years without sex. He's not the only nice and kind man to date. Christians just insta-marry. In my ex’s circles there were people doing so - they’ll not have sex pre-marriage but the whole process (from meeting up to marriage) was done in less then an year. 9 months max to engagement and then marrying within 1-2 months. Maybe this guy thinks in that lines. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 I believe he is the type who is looking for a wife and a relatively brief courtship. Also, just to clarify, he came into this religious resurgence about 5 or 6 years ago and seems to have had a normal sex life until he turned 40-ish. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I believe he is the type who is looking for a wife and a relatively brief courtship. Also, just to clarify, he came into this religious resurgence about 5 or 6 years ago and seems to have had a normal sex life until he turned 40-ish. Has he been married before? How many relationships did he have until he had his "road to Damascus" experience? Link to post Share on other sites
Cam1 Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I'd discuss this with him; if you like and respect him it's best to be forthright about your concerns and see is he's open to compromise. As another poster has said' date=' the lack of progressive intimacy would only be one of the issues - I'd have concerns about his views on spousal roles, personal autonomy in a marriage and divorce as well. Unless one shares a similar embrace of religion tenets in their daily life, it would be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who was extremely dedicated to their faith. He might be a good person but simply not a compatible partner for you.[/quote'] This and echoing what others have said. While I think his whole reclaimed virginity thing might be nice if it's truly what's going on, with someone who knows what's on the other side of the door, who claims to be sexually attracted to you yet isn't progressing even lesser forms of intimacy...I'd be very red flagged. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 Dear OP. I really wish you good luck on this one and hope it comes out with a good outcome. I will echo someone else's response to you. Be very careful and wary. There might be other issues going on here and you have just scratched the tip of the iceberg. A marriage is love but it's also a legal contact. You want to be fully aware with whom you are getting into a legal contract with. Have you met his friends and family and extended family? Meeting someones friends and family will tell you a lot about a person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 I believe he is the type who is looking for a wife and a relatively brief courtship. Also, just to clarify, he came into this religious resurgence about 5 or 6 years ago and seems to have had a normal sex life until he turned 40-ish. I guess to calm down your fears about sexual performance: my ex stayed virgin until 35+ because of his religious beliefs but when nature took its course after we met - he lost the conviction very fast :lmao: It was a terrible relationship overall but I've never had so much sex in my life - we never skipped a day, I think we maxed at 16 sessions one weekend :lmao: He also claimed to his friends and family he'll stay virgin until marriage. I'm curious what he will tell to his next girlfriend, especially if he finds someone religious like him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 Do you think it’s possible to build the kind of intimacy on which relationships are based with only kissing and occasional hugging on the couch? I can wait on sex, but I just would love more affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 My buddy MK and his Wife JC. They did not have sex for 2 yrs and they are rock solid with 2 kids and will be together in May 2018, by being together 20 yr and married for 18. For me. I would be like this. Going out for 2 yrs and that includes having sex. maybe live together one yr or half a yr and get married. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 I could never understand the waiting, especially since everyone has already had sex, and was already married. The original idea of waiting is two virgins wait so that they will develop a deeper bond through sex. That I can see, but come on....doing that over again? It won't have the same effect, in fact it can be the opposite. You already have something to compare to. Doesn't matter if they have sexual experience...you sexual experience with them can suck, and then you are left trying, and struggling to make it work. Nope I think it's dumb. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 So, I am still seeing this guy because he is such a saint! He's coming on a trip with some friends and me for New Years but will be staying in his own room/bathroom. Do you think it's possible for these to be genuine convictions, or do you think that there might be some sexual dysfunction at play? Happy holidays to all! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 If he's consistent, IMO accept it as genuine. The rest is a compatibility decision. His style is generally outlier IME. I know one guy like him, except for larger swaths of his life, and he's never been married, now into his fifties. Attractive guy but picky. That own room/bath part sounded familiar Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 So, last night really opened my eyes about this guy, and I might end it today. We went out for drinks for his birthday. I was asking him questions to try to get to know him better, and he told me to stop asking so many questions and that he would be more likely to open up to me if I just let him talk. We were at a dive bar, and I asked him to dance with me when a good song came on--just for fun! He didn't like it that he had to dance with me in public (i.e. a crowded dive bar). He told me to stop being so serious all the time. He told me that the man should always be the one to initiate affection (so, basically, if I need a hug, I'm out of line to ask for it). Finally, he told me that he had hesitated to ask me out to begin with because he was worried that I didn't have a biblical reason for my divorce. My divorce was very painful, and this made me cry. Also, my ex is dead, so I don't see that this matters any more. I'm still in bed right now because of this particular comment: being judged for such a difficult decision triggers depression for me. None of these "rules," with the possible exception of the divorce discussion, have anything to do with religion. They just seem controlling. Maybe this is the reason he is never married at 46. It also seems controlling. What a disappointment. I should have listened to y'all!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 Sometimes we have to figure out things by ourselves. I am glad you see his true colors this early on. He sounds like a first class weirdo. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 I am not surprised, it all didn't really smell quite right did it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 You are so right! He also accused me of drinking before we got together because I was "acting happy." Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
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