No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[ConfusedLuke]

As far as Facebook, let that go. For real. You are trying to move forward and that is taking three steps backwards. What does Facebook mean anyway? And are you good with seeing her and her boyfriend all kissy faced? Think about it.

 

She wouldn't do that stuff, at least not for months, she is shy - not narcissistic or trying to evoke jealousy, from public view she puts mostly photos of landscapes and backdrops.

 

I can handle kissy facebook photos, absolute silence is different though. I'm worse at pretending someone who was really close to me is basically dead when they are very much living and facebook would be at least a bridge and I wouldn't have to ask her sister's best friend if she was available months down the line (not that a facebook relationship status is definitive by the way but it gives some guidance - I would not have the gaul to message her something so bald faced as - 'hey how are you? still in a relationship?') and it would be a less formal way than 'email' of getting in touch.

 

Plus she wouldn't have to ask if I had a partner if I got into a new relationship (which I don't see happening for at least another year to years). It would save a lot of possibly uncomfortable conversations.

 

I'll put the request out there after the email, she can choose to ignore I guess but at least it's there - all I can do. I think she'll accept though but won't be liking anything (and neither will I).

 

Sending the request is also good because it will also give me the opportunity to (if she is unsure of adding me and whether I will like everything) tell her I will keep my space both online and off when I see her.

 

It would be more awkward sending it later on, then she may worry 'If I add him will he bombard me with likes'?

 

Maybe I should insert a line after the touch base paragraph to signal I am sending her a request. Something like 'I'm sending you a facebook request, it'll be a good way to keep in touch' or maybe it's better left unsaid.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

Correct me if I am wrong but didn’t she block you from calling her? If so, Facebook is off limits

[ConfusedLuke]

Correct me if I am wrong but didn’t she block you from calling her? If so, Facebook is off limits

 

No, she didn't. At Christmas she said she would contact me if she needed anything. I missed her call four days after Christmas because I was driving out of the city during the new year break, then the next day I was away her mother called then I texted the mother saying I was OK and when I would be back (in early Jan).

 

I texted her happy new year and sent a photo of me at a new years celebration but she didn't respond (that's the last phone interaction between us).

 

When I got back nobody bothered to call. So I waited a week and a half then texted her sister to offer dropping things with her on my ex's birthday (as a nice gesture) to avoid it being awkward if she didn't feel comfortable organising getting things anymore.

 

Sister said 'play it by ear' and was really nice in the texts but didn't bother to organise coming over either.

 

So another few weeks later (yesterday) I get the email. I have been very mindful of her space during all this.

 

The only major contacts I had around the BU was the flurry of emails on the Sunday then after seeing the guy I went a week of NC and said I accepted the finality of the break up and sent her a friendship letter.

 

Christmas was when all those things like 'sometimes exes can never be friends' came up. I gave her some gifts, along with mother and sister and we haven't seen each other since.

 

I thought I saw her down the beach a couple of weeks ago with her boyfriend and friends and maybe she saw me but I'm not 100%, I walked away before finding out for sure as I was not ready to see her and she probably wasn't ready to see me either.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Dude she's with someone else, she doesn't give a **** about your feelings because it's all about her. You shouldn't contact her at all in response. Don't pay her the money and if she really wants her junk she'll ask again. Do you want to pay for her dates? You're cool ignoring this one, the time she had to sort things out with you expired. The best thing you can do is forget about the terrible witch and move on. Why do you want to be in a relationship with a narcissist?

[ConfusedLuke]

Dude she's with someone else, she doesn't give a **** about your feelings because it's all about her. You shouldn't contact her at all in response. Don't pay her the money and if she really wants her junk she'll ask again. Do you want to pay for her dates? You're cool ignoring this one, the time she had to sort things out with you expired. The best thing you can do is forget about the terrible witch and move on. Why do you want to be in a relationship with a narcissist?

 

Thanks for the support, you are probably right and I'm still putting her on that pedestal with rose-coloured glasses. As someone who is dumped I guess you tend to focus on what you could have done better but when looking at it factually it was her who cultivated this new relationship then ran off the same week after dumping me.

 

Still I don't know I'm in two camps, it's ****ed.

 

I think all the posters on here have been helpful.

[CantTakeMySmile]

The pick up the joke and call her, speak to her, tell her that Monday is a good day. Tell her when then follow through.

[ConfusedLuke]

The pick up the joke and call her, speak to her, tell her that Monday is a good day. Tell her when then follow through.

 

I'll probably respond with an email but say something along the lines of I'll call you later on to speak about it, instead of giving her the power to straight up dictate to me by having 'come over anytime just give me a few hours' in the email.

 

But I think I'm pretty clear on what to do, I'll just spend the next day or so prepping myself as it's been over a month since I've seen her and even though I don't want to be pathetic about this it's still raw.

 

I'm still oversharing to random drunk strangers on buses, it's pretty ridiculous to be honest.

[CantTakeMySmile]

You may not think so but all of these things are putting pressure on her.

Requesting FB friends. Sure, she can say no, but that is still pressure because she probably doesn’t want to hurt you more.

Requesting to remain in her life. Same reasoning as above.

Requesting a letter (wow, that’s a lot). Same reason as above

Leaving it open ended about getting her things. Email and then a call. Puts pressure on her to have to answer.

 

Just having to have a conversation with you about feelings is pressure. That is why she sent a curt email, because she did not want to open the door to a conversation. Pressing her to make conversation isn’t being a good friend to her. I think she has made it clear where she stands. She is with someone else. She is trying to enjoy that. She probably doesn’t want to be brought down.

[HumanMachine]

Has OP returned ex’s stuff yet?

[Blanco]

OP, I'll be honest: I'm uncomfortable reading all of this, even though I completely understand where your head is at. I'm guilty of a lot of the things you're currently doing, so I can relate.

 

Having been there, though, I can tell you that it's all detrimental. None of it will add quality to your life or hers in the long run. You're determined not to own the pain the comes with the loss of a serious relationship. You can only kick that can down the road so long before you have to deal with it.

 

I recently spoke to an ex who has gone from one relationship to the next as a means to avoid ever feeling too much pain from a relationship ending. We split years ago, and while she quickly moved to another man (who she is still with), she confided in me that she still feels hurt from our relationship ending.

 

One would surmise that this is partly because she never allowed herself to feel the hurt, opting instead to mask the pain with a new relationship. It's a short-term fix. We all must face these things eventually. I suggest you bite the proverbial bullet and do so now so you can move on with your life.

[ConfusedLuke]

You may not think so but all of these things are putting pressure on her.

Requesting FB friends. Sure, she can say no, but that is still pressure because she probably doesn’t want to hurt you more.

Requesting to remain in her life. Same reasoning as above.

Requesting a letter (wow, that’s a lot). Same reason as above

Leaving it open ended about getting her things. Email and then a call. Puts pressure on her to have to answer.

 

Just having to have a conversation with you about feelings is pressure. That is why she sent a curt email, because she did not want to open the door to a conversation. Pressing her to make conversation isn’t being a good friend to her. I think she has made it clear where she stands. She is with someone else. She is trying to enjoy that. She probably doesn’t want to be brought down.

 

 

I don't think she cares about hurting me to be honest. I think she feels aggrieved at me 'I don't like the way you made me feel'.

 

I won't request a letter or have a conversation about feelings. I don't want to bring her down even though I feel she just up and left like the last nine years didn't happen.

 

'Hi

 

Nice to hear from you

 

Sure you can come over, call me during lunch or after work and we can organise it

 

I'll budget and transfer you the money in instalments, that's the best I can do right now.

 

I hope you are keeping fantastic, I just want to wish you well.

 

Take care,

 

Luke'

 

I deleted the paragraphs about wanting to keep in touch an the letter and I have decided I'm not going to go into debt to pay her money. She didn't mention it at Christmas and I don't feel I really owe it to her anyway and even though I got a promotion I am still in debt from the legal cases.

 

I'm not going to bother going into further debt by $1,000 just because she wants me to transfer the rest right away. I will not kowtow any longer especially considering that's all she's concerned about and doesn't even bother with even a simple platitude like 'hope you're well'. I am on a budget and it is reasonable to pay it back in installments.

[ConfusedLuke]

OP, I'll be honest: I'm uncomfortable reading all of this, even though I completely understand where your head is at. I'm guilty of a lot of the things you're currently doing, so I can relate.

 

Having been there, though, I can tell you that it's all detrimental. None of it will add quality to your life or hers in the long run. You're determined not to own the pain the comes with the loss of a serious relationship. You can only kick that can down the road so long before you have to deal with it.

 

I recently spoke to an ex who has gone from one relationship to the next as a means to avoid ever feeling too much pain from a relationship ending. We split years ago, and while she quickly moved to another man (who she is still with), she confided in me that she still feels hurt from our relationship ending.

 

One would surmise that this is partly because she never allowed herself to feel the hurt, opting instead to mask the pain with a new relationship. It's a short-term fix. We all must face these things eventually. I suggest you bite the proverbial bullet and do so now so you can move on with your life.

 

I was cleaning up all the apartment and going through the bottom kitchen drawers and she left her old cracked Sony phone here.

 

It had WhatsApp installed (but she got a new phone in mid-September). I could not help it, she would not want me looking through the messages but considering the circumstances of what went on...

 

She met the guy in August and you can see him flirting with her.

 

Calling her a 'bad girl' for not following her teacher's instructions regarding Spanish conjugations, sending her Spanish Spotify links and song lyrics and saying crap like 'if my native language wasn't Spanish my opinion about Reggaeton would probably be different in every song - think the main focus in the lyrics is grinding ' then sending her dirty Spanish song lyrics for her to translate.

 

After which he sent her this song and said see we can be romantic Gente de Zona - Si no vuelves lyrics + English translation

 

And this one as well: Soda Stereo - Ciudad de la Furia lyrics + English translation

 

"You'll allow me to sleep until the dawn

between your legs, between your legs

You'll know how to hide me well and disappear,

into the fog, into the mist"

 

Towards the end of the messages some miscommunication and he said it was a 'dad joke' and she said 'gross... haha kidding'

 

(I don't even know what the joke was because it was in Spanish and when I tried to translate it, it didn't make sense).

 

This was months before the BU.

 

Did she ever come to me and tell me his 'gross' flirting? No.

 

Did she say I have a boyfriend? Who knows.

 

Should I even bother giving anything back considering the lack of respect I feel?

I don't know.

 

I love her but honestly I feel sick.

 

Yes, I was absent at work a lot of the time and looking after my mother and when I was around I was grumpy but to be chatting away on WhatsApp then going to uni learning Spanish from him (him being ultra encouraging, positive and supportive from the messages) then going out dancing...

 

She was giving her best to him; the moments she was down face on the bed 'grieving the relationship' was most likely when she knew (but didn't want to admit to herself) that she was finding herself more attracted to another man but it was hardly fair because I couldn't know the level of detachment from the relationship she was feeling (because when I would even sense something was amiss or her looking miserable it was always 'I'm fine' or 'just stressed with this essay') and I was doing all this work with my mother and this full time job I loathed to try and secure a future for us!

 

She never opened up when I asked her what was wrong. When I caught her face lit up and giggling into her (new) phone messaging this guy (which would have been around October) and I asked 'Do you like him? to which she brushed it off and responded 'No, he's just my friend who teaches me Spanish'.

 

Even if she thinks it was fate and that she wasn't aware of how she was feeling towards him (which I do find hard to believe) she made the decision not to communicate to me her feelings until it seems she was set on giving it a go with the new guy.

 

Crazy, huh?

 

The guy also had two WhatsApp conversations going one one on one with my ex and the other with my ex and the other English learning Spanish student. They were carrying on a friendship/relationship outside of the language program. From that moment it seems our relationship was doomed as he was taking her out to dinner and dancing (on dates essentially) and my girlfriend had no problem with this.

 

I still think one day we will be together again, but honestly this is just low.

 

Even if she felt I was the worst neglectful boyfriend at least be open, after so many years together, not carry on this budding romance for months only ending it when break is approaching and it seems they could plan for a holiday together.

 

I know it could have been anybody (not just this guy) if she was open to other guys flirting with her but this is a kick in the guts because she was going there days each week (while I was at work) hanging out with him on campus then going out at night (while I was trying to deal with my mother in order to secure some future for the both of us).

 

I hate this now because in the relationship I had no trust issues with her, the only moment I questioned her interest in another man is when I saw her giggling and laughing to that extent, it just seemed odd.

 

I never read any of her messages but now I wish I had because then at least we could have had the conversation about this, how she felt our relationship was and then as well I would have gone out to at least one of these nights (on the weeknights) where I thought she was socialising with all her uni friends.

 

Even if it did make me more sleep deprived and I missed caring for my mother for one night. She never told me it was a deal breaker not going out, she never told me it was an issue for her, I thought it was healthy her having her own social set to go out with and trusted and had faith in her.

 

It also makes me think back to when she got a new phone, the old one had a cracked screen sure but it still worked fine and we were both under financial pressure.

 

She was offered some plan with a cell included but it didn't arouse my suspicions because I had just replaced my phone about a month prior (it had fallen in the washer and was dead) and now she got an iPhone for the first time and installed Snapchat (she never had that before - I still don't have that).

 

I thought she was odd being on it all the time but I was also playing on games apps (Super Mario Bros and Magikarp) so thought fair enough.

 

I really thought our relationship was stronger than that.

[HumanMachine]

Luke.. come on man..

[ConfusedLuke]

Luke.. come on man..

 

Just as well I'm not the deranged ex eh? (I like this song because at first you might think it's about a victim of a deranged ex but nah the victim ex is Eminemhttp:// https://genius.com/Eminem-bad-guy-lyrics) Because I know his number, the address he is staying with her off-campus (he lives on the same bus route as me - about a five minute drive away) and I still have a key to her mother's place.

 

I also am ripe to be a deranged ex considering I have no family or friends to rely on (my mother has blocked my mobile and won't answer the door because she thinks I'm 'working with police to have her certified' and the work colleague I have only really gotten to know over the last two weeks, we only came to talk about it and it has only been a one way association regarding this issue - because of how distressed in tears one day I was I guess it was obvious a question had to be asked, the colleague has become a quasi counsellor than a friend on an equal level to really share other things with - I do not have any other close or even distant friends because of all the crap that's gone on. The sister's best friend is coming up in a couple of weeks and even though she said she would see me some time while she was up I doubt she will if my ex has severed all ties).

 

She was basically everything to me and that was part of the problem I guess in terms of respect (and emotional dependency).

 

But seriously it makes sense now because when she got the new phone I did notice she put a password on it (when she didn't bother with the other ones) I noticed because every time she picked the thing up she would be tapping into it to unlock it which I thought was stupid because she would put it down for ten seconds then have to enter this long PIN again.

 

I should have put two and two together.

 

And she then blames the break up on me? 'I don't like the way you make me feel when I'm around you - no emotional or mental connection left'. Like I'm the 'Bad Guy'?

 

I do think one day she will come back and we could make it work. After all we did grow up together and even though she has shown no respect with this guy the pressure we were both under and I was not there most of the time for her (just physically around but also closed off and preoccupied with the stress of it all when I was - in saying 'I wasn't there' if she ever did come to me or need something or need me to drive her somewhere like her casual job I would - I was there but since I was constantly moaning about work and the legal cases she may have thought I wasn't) even though everything I was doing was for a future for us.

 

...Maybe I'm the 'king of wishful thinking' though.

Edited February 4, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

...Maybe I'm the 'king of wishful thinking' though...

 

I believe this statement is correct.

[ConfusedLuke]

If she's not going to even bother being my friend online (after I send her the Facebook request) then I'm not bothering with any more of this 'Kind Regards' crap.

 

She can consider her stuff gone, burned for all she knows, after all it has been two months since the split and six weeks since she said she would organise it.

 

As for the grand take me to claims court if she will be bothered. I dare her.

 

I'm not putting in the kitty anymore $$$ for her to go off with this guy.

 

What does the guy think during all this?

 

Or is he fed some fiction from her because if I were in his shoes I would be worried she would just branch off again.

Edited February 4, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

That sounds like the best idea. Let it all go. The stuff, the money, facebook... that will hopefully allow you to move on quicker

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, knowing the contents of their messages doesn't change anything other than deepen your pain.

 

She still chose not to try to make things work with you. She opted to say nothing about what she was feeling for someone else. People who are already emotionally on their way out don't bother raising such concerns with their partners, because they don't have a sincere interest in fixing it. This only confirms the suspicions you had, really. Yes, it seems crazy, but unfortunately it's very typical behaviour of people engaging in emotional (and/or physical) affairs. What her new guys thinks isn't important, and I would imagine he doesn't much care either. He likely knew you existed and that didn't stop them from getting together.

 

She will probably not bother coming after you for her things or her money, in the end. And that will be so much better for you. You really need to separate your heart and mind from her. That will take quite a while, but it will be quicker if you don't see her anymore.

[ConfusedLuke]

OP, knowing the contents of their messages doesn't change anything other than deepen your pain.

 

She still chose not to try to make things work with you. She opted to say nothing about what she was feeling for someone else. People who are already emotionally on their way out don't bother raising such concerns with their partners, because they don't have a sincere interest in fixing it. This only confirms the suspicions you had, really. Yes, it seems crazy, but unfortunately it's very typical behaviour of people engaging in emotional (and/or physical) affairs. What her new guys thinks isn't important, and I would imagine he doesn't much care either. He likely knew you existed and that didn't stop them from getting together.

 

She will probably not bother coming after you for her things or her money, in the end. And that will be so much better for you. You really need to separate your heart and mind from her. That will take quite a while, but it will be quicker if you don't see her anymore.

 

During the BU she said there was no one else she was attracted to, I asked her if she had even a crush on any one else in the relationship. She told me a lecturer from a couple of years ago she found interesting and thought was attractive but that there was no one else.

 

Did she really believe that? Was she deluding herself there wasn't and suppressing her emotions about this guy? Only when she felt guilty no more (from being in a relationship) to really be honest with herself?

 

She doesn't have to tell me anything but I feel like I was fed a lot of crap even during the break up.

 

What would she do if I broached the messages with her and told her my sadness that she didn’t tell me about this guy flirting with her. Would she stone cold deny it was flirting and excuse it as a language or cultural difference? Would she be more upset with me looking at her old phone?

 

Through out this I do want to make peace with her but I feel the only possible way of doing that is if these issues are fully ventilated and instead of her reframing history and not acknowledging that this was happening maybe if the messages are talked about she will begin to see how it may feel from my viewpoint when before it was all about her not feeling valued around me.

 

Should I tell her I saw the messages or will it dig the grave further and further and since she already views me in a negative light further make her further feel uncomfortable about me.

 

Also I feel if I don’t respond then there may be nil chance of her sister’s best friend even after saying she would seeing me (or responding to a message asking what time is she available when she is up).

 

Or maybe she it will make her more likely (ex could be - ‘see him and try and get my stuff back’) but it would all be unfavourable from an optics perspective it’s me who still has her stuff and seems to be immature no one else knowing the real facts around the situation.

 

My thought is if at least someone close to her family knows the real situation then maybe they will see it for what it is rather than me being a bad lover or simply not there for my ex/not meeting her needs.

 

I do miss her so much even after all this though and it sucks

Edited February 4, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

During the BU she said there was no one else she was attracted to, I asked her if she had even a crush on any one else in the relationship. She told me a lecturer from a couple of years ago she found interesting and thought was attractive but that there was no one else.

 

Did she really believe that? Was she deluding herself there wasn't and suppressing her emotions about this guy? Only when she felt guilty no more (from being in a relationship) to really be honest with herself? She did not believe that. She liked him and didn't want to tell you.

 

She doesn't have to tell me anything but I feel like I was fed a lot of crap even during the break up. You may have been. That is pretty common with breakups.

 

What would she do if I broached the messages with her and told her my sadness that she didn’t tell me about this guy flirting with her. Would she stone cold deny it was flirting and excuse it as a language or cultural difference? Would she be more upset with me looking at her old phone? No one knows how she will feel. How will you feel? Most people don't like to be called out on their infidelity, so I would assume she wouldn't like it,

 

Through out this I do want to make peace with her but I feel the only possible way of doing that is if these issues are fully ventilated and instead of her reframing history and not acknowledging that this was happening maybe if the messages are talked about she will begin to see how it may feel from my viewpoint when before it was all about her not feeling valued around me. I am not sure how talking about it will benefit either of you. You know what happened now. You have all the information you need. You have no reason to be "confused" now.

Should I tell her I saw the messages or will it dig the grave further and further and since she already views me in a negative light further make her further feel uncomfortable about me. What has she done for you to know she views you negatively?

 

Also I feel if I don’t respond then there may be nil chance of her sister’s best friend even after saying she would seeing me (or responding to a message asking what time is she available when she is up) Why do you need to see her? Cutting ties with the ex, means cutting ties with the people she associates with, until you have moved on.

 

I do miss her so much even after all this though and it sucks

I miss my ex too. Kinda goes with the territory I guess.

[ConfusedLuke]

What has she done for you to make it look like she views you negatively.

 

During the BU she was saying things like the ‘old luke’ when I was pleading with her to stay with me on the Sunday and that I was being controlling but she wasn’t going into details. From the conversations we had she was saying things about me always going about myself I apologised for being overwhelming. If she does view me as controlling or manipulative (things I wasn’t) it seems to me that gives her reason (in her head) to justify what went on.

 

The grand irony throughout this if I was those things I would have been savvy to what was going on but I was so distant and lacked presecence let alone any ‘control’ that this happened. I looked up when the buses were coming so she could go out. I helped her pack things to go on the girl’s trip (week before BU and my mother’s bankruptcy which I asked her not to go as I really needed her support now - what was me being communicative about legitimate needs she viewed as bullying pressure)

 

Even on the Sunday when I was ‘emotionally manipulating’ her by crying to stay, I was the one who offered to drive her back to her mother’s as I didn’t want to make her angry (she felt comfortable enough to take the offer instead of the fifteen-twenty minute walk). To view me as this evil controller is rewriting history but maybe that’s her way of dealing with what she’s done.

 

The negative example she brought up were ‘the ultimatums’ but the only thing that could be interpreted as such was the dishes or mother thing which I have already gone into - I felt she didn’t value or respect me at all when I was worn out and come back to the apartment she shared with me and she left plates and mugs around the place for me to clean.

 

But she was already detaching and probably spending so much time on her things and on the phone that she didn’t bother considering me and when I pulled her up she felt aggrieved like I was trying to make her do something, which I was because I thought we were a partnership and we each cared about each other and that she could see the stress I was in and needed her support or at least doing little things like cleaning up after herself.

 

I just wish she was still around.

Edited February 4, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[Marc878]

She monkey branched to another guy and dumped you for him. Happens all the time.

 

She's not a special snowflake. This isn't the end of the world.

 

Complete no contact and move on.

 

Your current actions are reinforcing her that she made the right decision. Stop!!!

 

Or continue to stay where you are. Right now she doesn't care about her stuff or the money.

 

Go your own way like she did.

[ConfusedLuke]

If she doesn’t care was the email just because she new her sisters best friend was coming up and wanted to see me. So is it a - ‘See he’s not a good guy won’t even give me stuff back’ thing? I don’t want to give her more reasons to reinforce her decision at the same time I doubt me not responding is going to give her an epiphany that maybe you shouldn’t treat your partner of nearly a decade with so little respect.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Why not give stuff to said friend?

[HumanMachine]

Why not give stuff to said friend?

 

He won’t, he’s using her stuff as one last hope of them reconciling. He could easily drop it round to her mother’s house at an agreed time, without even seeing her or her family.