No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[CantTakeMySmile]

Are these conversations you had with her today, or are you just reliving history?

 

 

What happened to the facebook request you had scheduled to send?

[ConfusedLuke]

Are these conversations you had with her today, or are you just reliving history?

 

 

What happened to the facebook request you had scheduled to send?

 

Reliving history, I have not spoken to her in about two months (since Christmas). I really understand the phrase 'picking up the pieces' now because as the person who is dumped you try and make sense of something that might not have one cause.

 

I guess I was too self-conscious to do the things he does (share political and social views on social media). I viewed it as posturing (sharing campaign speeches, news articles etc. etc.) but if the causes you are championing are good and people chose to be your friend or click on your profile then it's not really shoving opinions down people's throats (although it might be annoying in people's feeds I guess they can just mute/unfriend...)

 

As for the Facebook request I had already sent it before you replied on the 11th (I looked back on the thread and I mentioned that I would on the 4th and if she just ignores, she just ignores) and that is what happened (I sent it about a week and a half ago).

 

Her mother mentioned it to me when she dropped back the car key that she noticed it. It may be accepted in the future, it may not, who knows. I guess things are fresh the way things are with the new guy and where her mind is at the moment.

 

I have even considered cancelling it (and I would like to now as it the rejection of it just being sent with no response is crappy but then that would send the wrong signal - that I don't want to have anything at all to do with her and then she may never reach out if I did)

 

I noticed her best friend added the new guy, which doesn't mean much I guess, I was on my way out the other night and I walked out of a corner shop and I saw my ex and the new guy walking down the street, chattering away.

 

Luckily I saw the back of them before they saw me otherwise it could of been awkward. I did notice the natural reflex of mine was to call her name, say hi etc. and maybe I would have if enough time had passed (or it would have been forced if we walked past each other). I just turned out of the shop and kept walking the other way, it was painful though knowing that she is going out and giving this attention to another man.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I can imagine it hurts seeing her move on, but remember so are you!

 

Don’t remember the Facebook thing, but do remember it being super important to you.

[NopeNah]

Reliving history, I have not spoken to her in about two months (since Christmas). I really understand the phrase 'picking up the pieces' now because as the person who is dumped you try and make sense of something that might not have one cause.

 

I guess I was too self-conscious to do the things he does (share political and social views on social media). I viewed it as posturing (sharing campaign speeches, news articles etc. etc.) but if the causes you are championing are good and people chose to be your friend or click on your profile then it's not really shoving opinions down people's throats (although it might be annoying in people's feeds I guess they can just mute/unfriend...)

 

As for the Facebook request I had already sent it before you replied on the 11th (I looked back on the thread and I mentioned that I would on the 4th and if she just ignores, she just ignores) and that is what happened (I sent it about a week and a half ago).

 

Her mother mentioned it to me when she dropped back the car key that she noticed it. It may be accepted in the future, it may not, who knows. I guess things are fresh the way things are with the new guy and where her mind is at the moment.

 

I have even considered cancelling it (and I would like to now as it the rejection of it just being sent with no response is crappy but then that would send the wrong signal - that I don't want to have anything at all to do with her and then she may never reach out if I did)

 

I noticed her best friend added the new guy, which doesn't mean much I guess, I was on my way out the other night and I walked out of a corner shop and I saw my ex and the new guy walking down the street, chattering away.

 

Luckily I saw the back of them before they saw me otherwise it could of been awkward. I did notice the natural reflex of mine was to call her name, say hi etc. and maybe I would have if enough time had passed (or it would have been forced if we walked past each other). I just turned out of the shop and kept walking the other way, it was painful though knowing that she is going out and giving this attention to another man.

Dude, i'm going to be direct with you here(not that I haven't already)..She doesn't care about this guy's political stances,or any of the stuff you're 'cooking up' in your theories. She's young and having fun with a new 'toy'. Sure she may be all about that 'crap' on fakebook(and why you're now stalking Don Juan is beyond my comprehension) BUT..she don't care. Imagine how good he is in bed! That do you any favors??.Look...LET IT THE F*^^ GO! Jesus christ..It's time to man up and move on,dude! I would add 'in a dignified manner',but that ship has sailed.

[NopeNah]

Here.. instead of looking for "win your girl back BS"..Listen to this:

[ConfusedLuke]

Dude, i'm going to be direct with you here(not that I haven't already)..She doesn't care about this guy's political stances,or any of the stuff you're 'cooking up' in your theories. She's young and having fun with a new 'toy'. Sure she may be all about that 'crap' on fakebook(and why you're now stalking Don Juan is beyond my comprehension) BUT..she don't care. Imagine how good he is in bed! That do you any favors??.Look...LET IT THE F*^^ GO! Jesus christ..It's time to man up and move on,dude! I would add 'in a dignified manner',but that ship has sailed.

 

Thanks for being direct, I do need it. I may sound defensive because I do go on but most of what I post is a bit of a vent as well as a call for opinions.

 

Of course given what's occurred I'm going to be curious about the guy, before I just knew he was a Spanish (speaking) friend of hers. It's kind of a big deal leaving such a long-term then going into a relationship with him immediately. But I don’t know the guy, I have an obvious reason to dislike the guy since he was flirting with my partner but if he is the guy she sees herself with long term and I want to be on good terms with her then I can’t hate him.

 

From what he posts on fakebook he seems environmentally conscious, politically engaged, a traveler and progressive (what many people I guess would describe as a 'woke' individual) but the bonds they share as a couple must pale in comparison to the bonds I shared with her considering the years we grew up together and if it is largely a physical thing at the moment (as you mentioned the sex) then who knows how far the relationship will go.

 

I feel we always got each other but all this crap got in the way and in the end it came down to communication. She would project onto me and say ‘I had no empathy’ (nothing would preempt this I would be in the kitchen preparing dinner or in the middle of doing something) I would say ‘I don’t feel you do’ (which was a childish retort but sometimes she would be cold and distant even though she gave me reassurance, hugs and a great deal of emotional support).

 

In some respects if she didn’t grasp the full extent of what I was facing it was because I shielded it from her, I didn’t ask her to come with me when I stayed overnight looking after my mother who had manic episodes, I didn’t ask her to come meet with the lawyers who were bleeding money out of me and I had to eventual replace, I didn’t talk much about my one friend from school who took his life and I thought of from time to time. 

And I didn’t tell her that the period of living rough lasted nearly six months (her mother thought I was sleeping ‘under a tree of two weeks’, as the ex contacted me a week after I saw her dancing with the guy back in December over the phone with her mother and I tried to open up about it because the ex was telling me and her mother who was also on the phone that she had felt I had become distant ‘over years’).

 

They also thought this period was after she came back from Asia but I had already been ‘camping’ for over two months by that stage. I still don’t think they understand what it was like for me and never will. I didn’t want them to think less of me or worry but I developed an eye infection at one point, was cold most of the time (cold beach showers) and over the course of months shifted from living on headlands, to a refuge house, to crisis accommodation then to an unventilated garage.

 

All these things had an effect on me (it hardened my resolve for stability and to provide) but I never stopped loving or caring about her. I just didn’t want to burden the full brunt of these issues onto her, other than to relay updates and what might have seemed complaints about the way my mother was acting or what the lawyers were doing - I admit I would get emotional often and cry and say silly things like I'm quitting work or kids are the meaning of life but I was stressed out and I thought she knew me well enough.

 

The reason I am typing at length on here is that I don’t have others to turn to, I know there is a lot of thinking out there ‘be a man and deal with it yourself’ but there is really no one to deal with it, yes I have therapy appointments but paying someone to talk to is not really the same as people on here giving unadulterated views many of whom have gone through messy break ups themselves.

 

Despite the things she said to me (including ‘I don’t like how I feel around you’) I still feel she cares about me and we will one day chat about all this, people have said years etc. but I don’t think it will be that long, it will be up to her though I just feel throughout this misunderstandings snowballed into a belief that I no longer was the same person she feel in love with (and so she feels she fell out of love with me) but the fact is I do hold such care for her that despite her going around with this other guy I am not anguished or wish her any ill will. I am just really sad that’s all.

 

Also with sex she told me I still gave her orgasms but she told me she felt like she couldn't return the favour so to speak, I had issues with coming as I was under constant stress and that probably led into performance anxiety with her in the bedroom, I felt pressure to finish up and the more pressure I felt the more I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t really explain it to her obviously as I didn’t really understand myself. She told me that was an issue for her but since she was still getting pleasure I didn’t think it was something that would cause such a rift between us.

 

Towards the end I was letting go more and having more orgasms with her but I don’t know whether she was still satisfied (although during the break up she said it wasn’t physical) that is why I’m trying to analyse because then it is the 'emotional and mental connection' reason which is much harder to understand (or maybe it was just that she was seduced by another man and was feeling like I took her for granted like I would take my own arm or leg for granted and not making enough time for quality romance).

 

I do feel to some extent it’s her loss because I don’t want to come across as arrogant but I feel I do have a lot to offer and would have given her the shirt off my back (while other guys are really dicks) and that I was loyal, devoted and even if she thought my attraction for her dwindled (given the lack of sex) she knew I wouldn’t stray and would always stand by her.

 

Maybe which is why she was open to the advances of another man, for even if she thought that relationship was platonic (the new guy and her) it was a burgeoning ‘romance’ in some respects. We stopped romancing one another after a few years and even though we had trips away which were important to us we didn't have romantic dinners or close dancing which the guy showed her.

 

I hold firm though that the love we shared over so many years is not just swept aside by her idealising this new guy who seems right now to be the complete package.

 

Who knows whether he will accept the all of her, when the going gets tough will he be there for her? Even if he is being understanding through her processing the fallout from the breakup with me and her hormones and may say he doesn’t care about having kids years down the line will he show the same commitment I have over the past decade? That’s a risk for her to take but she knew in me she had someone who would be there, who would always love her.

 

I’m going on a little bit here but it feels good to get some of this out.

 

Processing within the relationship easier for her (to detach) by focusing on the negatives in real time like me moaning about he dishes to reaffirm a decision she was already concluding, plus she had the support of family and friends during this time and the guy now to think about so even though she had courage and no doubt she still feels pain I can’t help the the pain I feel is (of course while being different) is magnified. And then others expect that I should just get over it, it will take time, it will take a process, which I'm doing a lot of on here so I'm not a blabbering mess to her, colleagues, strangers, her family or friends.

 

I guess there is some divine law of the universe whereby the moment I stop thinking and agonising about her the moment she will want me back or perhaps just reach out and contact.

 

Her mother said when handing back the key the ex told her 'there's no point in me contacting him because he doesn't respond to me'.

 

I feel like letting her know I do respond to her in an email to always feel free to contact me and that the car was a genuine gesture of goodwill towards the mother but I’m sure she knows that, maybe she was just saying that (‘he never responds’) to her so her mother would attempt contacting me to facilitate the transfer of her stuff.

 

I really do understand now that she felt compelled to stay in the relationship with me because even though she was not exposed to the full effect of my mother, uncles, lawyers, bosses etc. etc. she saw my world getting more and more stressed and since we were partners for so long (practically married) she felt trapped by her conscience if she was already losing attraction to me.

 

I really do believe it was circumstance and not that we are fundamentally different, we are similar in many ways and I feel the differences we do have complement one another.

 

It was not her her fault that she was losing attraction to me, nor was it mine for not being perceptive when she was shielding the level of dissatisfaction from me ('I'm fine'). I can see now how she became resentful of me because she felt uncomfortable and all these issues of mine seemed to be playing on her whether to leave or not. As a decent person who has stood by her man for so long to leave at such a time of crisis I guess played on her mind.

 

I guess she came to view me as a natural adversary and every bickering over dishes or ironing would have been magnified in her mind. I had no idea obviously until the break as she kept a poker face the times I would ask her directly in the months leading up to the break; whether it being liking the guy or asking if she was angry at me.

 

It will just be up to time and her now. She knows I love her, and I’ve done all I can to show it.

Edited February 20, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

Dude... you have to stop talking about the dishes!! She didn't leave you over the dishes!!!

 

 

I don't think a six month relationship will overshadow your eight years together, but they are just starting out. Every couple has to start at some point.

 

 

What are you doing for yourself to stop agonizing over all the little things? It is normal, I believe, to miss your ex partner. But, to go over every little detail is not healthy and provides no benefit.

 

 

You seem to be "waiting", though you don't seem to know what you are waiting for. She does know you love her. She loves you too, I am sure. But love does not a couple make.

[HumanMachine]

The time you spend repeating yourself on here would be much better spent on establishing a friendship group.

[NopeNah]

{snip}

 

I guess she came to view me as a natural adversary and every bickering over dishes or ironing would have been magnified in her mind. I had no idea obviously until the break as she kept a poker face the times I would ask her directly in the months leading up to the break; whether it being liking the guy or asking if she was angry at me.

 

It will just be up to time and her now. She knows I love her, and I’ve done all I can to show it.

Yeah,man... I just skimmed through that very quickly as it's just more of the same. I can't remember if you're in therapy,but you should be seeing someone. This is insane,to me. Ever try to rationalize 'reality' with a drug addict/alcoholic? I have and trying to rationalize with them while they're "on it" is like every response you've gotten on here. No point in it because the addict doesn't know the reality of their lives. They do not wish to see it or accept it. I know you've mentioned your mother became manic or something..that stuff's hereditary..Just a thought.

Edited February 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[ConfusedLuke]

Yeah,man... I just skimmed through that very quickly as it's just more of the same. I can't remember if you're in therapy,but you should be seeing someone. This is insane,to me. Ever try to rationalize 'reality' with a drug addict/alcoholic? I have and trying to rationalize with them while they're "on it" is like every response you've gotten on here. No point in it because the addict doesn't know the reality of their lives. They do not wish to see it or accept it. I know you've mentioned your mother became manic or something..that stuff's hereditary..Just a thought.

 

Of course I've given it a thought, as I'm sure my ex has and her mother who witnessed my mother pointing at a mark on the ceiling and thinking it was a tap device listening into her.

 

I was raised by my grandparents with my mother just being on the periphery and even though there are studies that point to it being hereditary I'm sure my ex who was with me nearly a decade and wants to study post-graduate in public health would understand that there are treatments out there and luckily I don't share her condition.

 

As for 'more of the same,' I can't just put a wall up and move on, yes practically I can't expect her to be there for me anymore but my mind and heart takes time to adjust. I'm doing a lot of going over things/conversations had because I am picking up the pieces. I'm not like a bad alcoholic who is living in some deluded reality. I know she is sleeping with the other guy and is probably not even thinking of me all that much.

 

Most people probably don't do this on this forum but I am isolated so I think it's a normal, healthy response considering the circumstances I am in. I'm not attempting to rationalise it because of course it can't be fathomed, explained etc. and of course I still hope we can get along again I don't see that as being wrong.

 

I do appreciate all the perspectives though because I am new to this, I do think that a lot of people have first time loves/LTRs that break apart because those involved 'drift' and develop different ambitions in life.

 

That's true probably 95% of the time (and that's what her mother and best friend were probably reassuring her with) but I don't feel that was the case in our situation. I wanted to travel like her and shared her interests in sociology and we still got on but I was under extreme pressure and just wasn't making the time for romance while this guy was doing what I should have been doing taking her out to dinner and dancing (while I thought she was going and meeting a group of people).

 

He acted as a catalyst for her to probably realise she has feelings for other dudes and could find someone else instead of me, I don't think their relationship would be anywhere as deep as what I shared with my ex but I can't judge. Again (repeating myself here) I do feel we will one day look back at all this, probably as friends, and never lovers again, and be able to smile and share jokes with one another once more.

[gonebibi]

Stop being so pathetic.

 

Your relationship got boring, she got used to being with you and seeing you.

 

The thought of something new excited her more than her normal routine, and she found someone she feels she would be more happy with then being with you.

 

Same thing happened to me... and to plenty others on this forum, your situation is not special, nor is your "connection" with her. If you connection was that strong she would not be on top of another guy telling him he is the best she has ever had, which trust me she will be doing and saying this.

 

At the end of the day, she may come back, she may not. ANY communication or interference from you is only going to decrease your chances of her ever deciding she wants you back.

 

And if she does come back, you have to decide if you want the burden of being with a girl that can so easily discard you for another person.

 

You have her on a pedestal, just live your life, and hope you find some one else. Do not wait for her, do not be her friend just get on with your life.

 

A friend would not do what she has done to you

Edited February 21, 2018 by gonebibi

[NopeNah]

Luke, I'll apologize for saying "more of the same". I had forgotten that you really don't have a circle of friends to bounce a lot of this stuff off of, when a certain thought/emotion 'hits' you. That's where a social life,with good people, could really benefit you(not your ex's family/friends..YOURS). Man..my buddies got so tired of hearing about my ex that I'm surprised they didn't slap me! Well they did 'slap me' with words and the truths of my current reality at that moment,which I couldn't see. Hang in there and the sooner you give up ALL hope the better off you'll be.

[lawyaman2018]

Luke, I'll apologize for saying "more of the same". I had forgotten that you really don't have a circle of friends to bounce a lot of this stuff off of, when a certain thought/emotion 'hits' you. That's where a social life,with good people, could really benefit you(not your ex's family/friends..YOURS). Man..my buddies got so tired of hearing about my ex that I'm surprised they didn't slap me! Well they did 'slap me' with words and the truths of my current reality at that moment,which I couldn't see. Hang in there and the sooner you give up ALL hope the better off you'll be.

 

This is the truth!