Me and My Girl

[jjgitties]

You are lying to yourself.

 

Re-read your first post in this thread, and also the ones after that. Th words you use ( and i'm not buying the "bad choice of words" excuse that you have tried to use) are so far out of the friend zone they aren't even on the same planet.

 

You have also hidden the fact that you are married, and your excuse that " she can see me on social media" is again, just that, an excuse.

 

Before you drag this 20 year old, who is just starting out, into your crap, really think about it. If she were your daughter and some married 40 year old man wrote what you have written, what would you think was going on?

 

You are lying to us, and even worse, yourself.

 

I am lying to myself in that I really want to sleep with her but I am just telling myself (and everyone on this board) that I don't want to sleep with her ?

 

I don't think so. I might be a big dumb male, but I have been around long enough to know who I am. I have had absolutely no sexual fantasies or dreams about her. I think if I did have the hots for her physically, it would consume me. I am pretty sure the attraction on my part is purely just her youth. Don't get me wrong, she is not un-attractive. She's quite beautiful. I think the fact that I know she is married and also I know that there is the strong ever looming "eww, drooling old man" if I were to be perceived to initiate something, has me behaving with all brakes on around her.

 

I also don't quite understand what kind of crap do you think I am dragging her into? Whatever issues I have in my marriage and what comes of it, are separate and distinct from this person. I am pretty sure I am not about to go crying on her shoulder and beg her to leave her husband and come and save me from my marriage. Please.. turn off the day time soap opera filters..

 

Yes, I do admit, I sometimes do wonder what a young person like her is doing hanging out and texting with someone my age. The only thing I could think of is she could just be genuinely interested and liking the company and friendship for now. As I said, soon the class will wrap up and most probably we will part ways. For now, it is what it is.

[xoswtdreamsxo]

I am lying to myself in that I really want to sleep with her but I am just telling myself (and everyone on this board) that I don't want to sleep with her ?

 

I have had absolutely no sexual fantasies or dreams about her. I think if I did have the hots for her physically, it would consume me. I am pretty sure the attraction on my part is purely just her youth. Don't get me wrong, she is not un-attractive. She's quite beautiful. I think the fact that I know she is married and also I know that there is the strong ever looming "eww, drooling old man" if I were to be perceived to initiate something, has me behaving with all brakes on around her.

 

I also don't quite understand what kind of crap do you think I am dragging her into? Whatever issues I have in my marriage and what comes of it, are separate and distinct from this person. I am pretty sure I am not about to go crying on her shoulder and beg her to leave her husband and come and save me from my marriage. Please.. turn off the day time soap opera filters..

 

Yes, I do admit, I sometimes do wonder what a young person like her is doing hanging out and texting with someone my age. The only thing I could think of is she could just be genuinely interested and liking the company and friendship for now. As I said, soon the class will wrap up and most probably we will part ways. For now, it is what it is.

 

I am a woman in my late 20's ALSO interested in a guy in his mid 50's.. and we text on FB sometimes, too... but it hasn't gone any further... Being on the other end, (meaning a younger woman in a similar situation), I wanted to share my perspective with you...

 

If you want the girl and think you can keep your family, go for it. If you want to keep your family and work things out with your wife, go for that. Simple. Most women want to know that you're interested, too... So don't be too shy.

Edited November 28, 2017 by xoswtdreamsxo

[wmacbride]

I am a woman in my late 20's ALSO interested in a guy in his mid 50's.. and we text on FB sometimes, too... but it hasn't gone any further... Being on the other end, (meaning a younger woman in a similar situation), I wanted to share my perspective with you...

 

If you want the girl and think you can keep your family, go for it. If you want to keep your family and work things out with your wife, go for that. Simple. Most women want to know that you're interested, too... So don't be too shy.

 

Op,

If you want your life to implode, then this is definitely the advice to follow. Sometimes, the world isn't all about you. A person's actions have consequences, and when you get married one of the facets of that agreement is to take that other perosn's feelings into consideration, the same as you would expect form them.

 

You know what the right action to take is. If you are still confused, ask yourself this. If your daughter was the wife in question, and her husband wanted to explore this "friendship" with a younger woman, what would you tell her? What would you advise her husband? Would you tell him to knock it off or would you advise him to go full steam ahead?

[xoswtdreamsxo]

Op,

If you want your life to implode, then this is definitely the advice to follow. Sometimes, the world isn't all about you. A person's actions have consequences, and when you get married one of the facets of that agreement is to take that other perosn's feelings into consideration, the same as you would expect form them.

 

You know what the right action to take is. If you are still confused, ask yourself this. If your daughter was the wife in question, and her husband wanted to explore this "friendship" with a younger woman, what would you tell her? What would you advise her husband? Would you tell him to knock it off or would you advise him to go full steam ahead?

 

Hey! No fair! You ONLY paid attention to the part where I said "if you want the girl." I ALSO said "If you want to work things out with your wife."

 

If he's no longer in love with his wife but must stay together for the sake of the kids, the situation is sticky because now you are telling a man to fake being interested in his wife and all of the sudden, lying becomes okay. Double standard!

[BaileyB]

Hey! No fair! You ONLY paid attention to the part where I said "if you want the girl." I ALSO said "If you want to work things out with your wife."

 

If he's no longer in love with his wife but must stay together for the sake of the kids, the situation is sticky because now you are telling a man to fake being interested in his wife and all of the sudden, lying becomes okay. Double standard!

 

Cool down... There is also another choice that is perfectly acceptable in this situation - divorce and then date other women.

[xoswtdreamsxo]

Cool down... There is also another choice that is perfectly acceptable in this situation - divorce and then date other women.

 

I AM cool. I just typed my message like that because I thought it was funny. He COULD get a divorce but then the kids would be at stake. He could tell his wife that he wants to stay married for the sake of the kids...but he wants to see other women...but the the kids STILL might be at stake. What is a man to do???

 

A lot of women use the kids to blackmail men who are no longer interested into sticking around..and a lot of men are sensitive about their kids...so the woman tries to trap him...and then he cheats!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I AM cool. I just typed my message like that because I thought it was funny. He COULD get a divorce but then the kids would be at stake. He could tell his wife that he wants to stay married for the sake of the kids...but he wants to see other women...but the the kids STILL might be at stake. What is a man to do???

 

A lot of women use the kids to blackmail men who are no longer interested into sticking around..and a lot of men are sensitive about their kids...so the woman tries to trap him...and then he cheats!

 

What do you mean the kids are "at stake?"

[xoswtdreamsxo]

What do you mean the kids are "at stake?"

 

Here, in this region and the world, kids are damaged in broken homes when parents can't get "it" together. (The good reason to stay married or at least having a great relationship)..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Here, in this region and the world, kids are damaged in broken homes when parents can't get "it" together. (The good reason to stay married or at least having a great relationship)..

 

Good reason to have a great relationship, yes. Not a good reason to stay together if they can't get "it" together. Kids can and do thrive in "broken" homes when both parents have "it" together .

[xoswtdreamsxo]

Good reason to have a great relationship, yes. Not a good reason to stay together if they can't get "it" together. Kids can and do thrive in "broken" homes when both parents have "it" together .

 

This is true but it seems like a rarity. If the partners are no longer in love, I can see that working smoothly but I don't believe that is usually the case. (Which is neither here nor there..)

[jjgitties]

What do you mean the kids are "at stake?"

 

Easy. If I go ahead and divorce my wife I **** up kids for life. Their entire world and what they believed was a happy family in the burbs comes crashing down on their heads. They are both little kids and under 10. They will be teased and possibly bullied and picked on for being from a divorced household once the neighbors find out and gossip. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg Berg.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Easy. If I go ahead and divorce my wife I **** up kids for life. Their entire world and what they believed was a happy family in the burbs comes crashing down on their heads. They are both little kids and under 10. They will be teased and possibly bullied and picked on for being from a divorced household once the neighbors find out and gossip. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg Berg.

 

Omg, catastrophize much?? lol!

 

My kids were 8 and 9 when my ex and I divorced and they are now very well adjusted teenagers. They have NEVER been bullied by anyone for being from a divorced family, and they are in the HUGE minority in their tiny Christian school.

[xoswtdreamsxo]

Easy. If I go ahead and divorce my wife I **** up kids for life. Their entire world and what they believed was a happy family in the burbs comes crashing down on their heads. They are both little kids and under 10. They will be teased and possibly bullied and picked on for being from a divorced household once the neighbors find out and gossip. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg Berg.

 

 

This is the reason why I even STOPPED contacting my MM. I care about the kids/the household & although I agree with what Cautious is saying, at the same time you NEVER KNOW how a household will be affected. Every situation is different..

[RecentChange]

Easy. If I go ahead and divorce my wife I **** up kids for life. Their entire world and what they believed was a happy family in the burbs comes crashing down on their heads. They are both little kids and under 10. They will be teased and possibly bullied and picked on for being from a divorced household once the neighbors find out and gossip. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg Berg.

 

My parents divorced when I was 8.

 

I remember them fighting. I remember that they clearly didn't like each other. I remember our home being a very stressful place. I remember them displaying how people who are no longer in love, and no longer respect each other.

 

And they divorced - and my life became much better.

 

I would spend afternoons with my mother - she was happy in her new space. I would spend dinner time and the nights with my dad - and he was much happier as well.

 

Now that they weren't miserable together anymore, I would go on little trips with my mom in the summers. My dad bought me a horse and came to all of my lessons and events - I had WHOLE, happy parents again.

 

And my dad went onto remarry a wonderful woman, which to this day, 30 years later - have demonstrated for me, and my older siblings what a true, loving partnership looks like.

 

They are inspiration to us, and honestly I feel is a big contributor to the fact that we are all married, and in happy, long term relationships 16 years for me, my sister 20, and my brother 25. We had a wonderful model to follow.

 

I am glad my parents got divorced rather than try to keep up a sham of a marriage.

 

As for bullying and gossip - many kids come from divorced homes these days, that was a non issue. Noisy neighbors? Wait till they get wind that they live next to a man chasing a 20 something - oh boy I bet they will love to gossip about that.

[jjgitties]

 

You know what the right action to take is. If you are still confused, ask yourself this. If your daughter was the wife in question, and her husband wanted to explore this "friendship" with a younger woman, what would you tell her? What would you advise her husband? Would you tell him to knock it off or would you advise him to go full steam ahead?

 

I think I would tell him. If you don't love.my daughter anymore and being married to her makes you miserable.. you should find a way to leave. Staying in a miserable marriage and being unhappy for many years will only end badly for your health. You will either develop cancer or die early of a heart attack.

[RecentChange]

I think I would tell him. If you don't love.my daughter anymore and being married to her makes you miserable.. you should find a way to leave. Staying in a miserable marriage and being unhappy for many years will only end badly for your health. You will either develop cancer or die early of a heart attack.

 

Oh, so you would tell him to get a divorce?

[elaine567]

Easy. If I go ahead and divorce my wife I **** up kids for life. Their entire world and what they believed was a happy family in the burbs comes crashing down on their heads. They are both little kids and under 10. They will be teased and possibly bullied and picked on for being from a divorced household once the neighbors find out and gossip. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg Berg.

 

...and they will not be affected by their father "hanging out" with a 23yo.

Do you imagine it will all be happy families when that sh*t hits the fan...???

[jjgitties]

The truth of the matter is. I really care about her. I guess I am in a fully blown emotional affair with her. I am getting the impression she is a young person who might be unhappy in her new marriage. I don't know what to do about it or how to help her. But it makes me sad that she is so young and unhappy so soon. I am not sleeping with her and have no intention of trying to get her to sleep with me. She has also not offered. So I am not chasing 20 year old tail. I just hang out with her and talk because I really like her as a person and she makes me feel young by hanging out with me. After we hang out I go back to my unhappy marriage and pretend I am a happy husbamd I'm front of everyone.

[BaileyB]

Easy. If I go ahead and divorce my wife I **** up kids for life. Their entire world and what they believed was a happy family in the burbs comes crashing down on their heads. They are both little kids and under 10. They will be teased and possibly bullied and picked on for being from a divorced household once the neighbors find out and gossip. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg Berg.

 

If you believe this to be true, well... There is not much to say. You are without a doubt catastrophizing and there is absolutely no logic to that argument.

 

I think, having a father who is cheating on their mother by chasing a married woman, in reality a young woman closer to your children's age than your own, will **** them up more than any divorce ever would.

[BaileyB]

The truth of the matter is. I really care about her. I guess I am in a fully blown emotional affair with her. I am getting the impression she is a young person who might be unhappy in her new marriage. I don't know what to do about it or how to help her. But it makes me sad that she is so young and unhappy so soon. I am not sleeping with her and have no intention of trying to get her to sleep with me. She has also not offered. So I am not chasing 20 year old tail. I just hang out with her and talk because I really like her as a person and she makes me feel young by hanging out with her.

 

Well, aren't you a knight in shining armour, ready to swoop in and save this damsel in distress from her unhappy marriage. My goodness, her marriage is absolutely NONE of your business. You can't do anything about it and you should not help her because it is absolutely none of your business. You "get the impression that she is a young person who might be unhappy in her marriage..." This is such crap.

 

You like that she wants to see you because it makes you feel young again. It feeds your ego. And, if you think we believe that you don't want to sleep with her, well... we are not that stupid. First you said you were "dating" a younger woman, then you insisted that you were "just friends," now you say it's an "emotional affair...." We all know where this is heading, dont try to say that you wouldn't have sex with her if she offered. In which case, you should be prepared to tell everyone that she wanted it, you didn't initiate anything, and your **** just accidentally happened to go in..."

 

This is silly... You are a grown man. A married man and a father. Act like it.

[William]

Long thread, noticed a bunch of bleeped language. Do I need to do a review or do you all think you can get things back on track? I'll give the latter a shot first. Thanks!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

This is silly... You are a grown man. A married man and a father. Act like it.

 

Jjg, how is your relationship with your own children? How old are they?

Edited November 28, 2017 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[staggerlee71]

I cut to the end because I felt more direct info would be there.

 

I love when couples think that a bad marriage is good for the kids.

 

you see, my parents divorced right away, or as soon as possible. my mother remarried, and had a kid. my half sister. she is 17 years younger. we have a great relationship.

What we have learned from each other is marriage has nothing to do with how your kid adjust.

 

Your kids adjust based on how they are taught, through feeling, through positive experience, through mimicking, but not through what they see, but what they feel. WE all experience life through feeling not visually.

 

So a crappy marriage is the same as a crappy single parent.

 

Your love for another is not how they learn. they learn through how one responds, reacts, and treat you and how they respond being treated. You cant fake it.

 

you cant show your kids. they learn from feel. At the end of the day, people want to be in environment that they feel safe, free, understood, loved and CAN love.

 

a well adjusted kid will learn through feel, not an image.

 

this is why unhappy marriages are no better than a selfish household. Your kids don't give a **** who you love, they only give a **** that the environment they are in is loving. That is organic, natural, and intuitive. if your unhappy, over a long period of time, they know.

if your happy, engaged, perceptive, and open(non judgemental), your kids will learn from that because its how you naturally are

 

when will people learn that you cant fake it. Do what makes you happy, and that's the best for everyone around you. its not selfish.... its human

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

So a crappy marriage is the same as a crappy single parent.

 

Your love for another is not how they learn. they learn through how one responds, reacts, and treat you and how they respond being treated. You cant fake it.

 

you cant show your kids. they learn from feel. At the end of the day, people want to be in environment that they feel safe, free, understood, loved and CAN love.

 

a well adjusted kid will learn through feel, not an image.

 

 

Agree 100%.

[jjgitties]

okay. i think i am in trouble now. i am thinking about her and chatting to her way too much. i got to get this girl out of my mind and out of my life. this is not going to end well.