Me and My Girl

[elaine567]

Sorry, but in this situation, this advice is not applicable. You are honest with this women. You are getting divorced.

 

He is not.

 

 

 

But it all started in the same way... ie cheating on his wife...

[wmacbride]

gezz louise. how is this cheating??

 

i am texting this person who is an adult about art and homework assignments. i am not sleeping with her or sexing. how the hell does this qualify as cheating? all i came on here is to ask for advice to be able to tell if a much younger woman is showing interest because its been so long and i have no clue anymore. as i am out if touch and definatly out of touch when might be going through a 20 year olds mind.

 

 

so what the hell are you blabbing about.. any time i have any sort of minimal interaction with a female socially i am supposed to stick out my arms and yell, 'hold on there, i am a married man with kids'.

 

Yes.

Lots of men and women do it. They have good boundaries and can have purely platonic opposite sex friends.

 

That is NOT what you did. You came on here hoping to get responses that told you she was interested. If you aren't planning on cheating, why do you care what her intentions are? They wouldn't be relevant.

 

Maybe this is a guy thing? Being female, I , like most women, get hit on a lot. I don't to go online and ask if some guy is interested in me, as that simply doesn't matter if he is or not. All that matters is my actions.

 

If you were just looking at her as a friend, she would already know you are married and a father. That would have come in in conversation long ago.

 

I think you understand a lot more about this than you are letting on.

[wmacbride]

okay.. i fail to understand where that is coming from. so the only thing you look for in a relationship with anther person is how much "life experience" and "wisdom" they have? what do you plan to do with your partner, sit around talking about mortgages and the economics and quote zen bhiddism to each other all day? work on openning up your heart a little and accept individuals for the people who they and and how it makes you feel being around them.

 

i dont know whats up in her marriage or why she is hanging out with me? its none of my business. who knows.. and until she feels like talking about, i am not probing. what i am supposed to say, "hey, why are you hanging out with a guy my age and not people your age? why aren't with your husband at home baking apple pie?"

 

FWIW.. when I was much young I was really good friends with my boss who was female. (No, we never slept together!!). I was in my 20s she was in her 40s and turns out later that she indeed was going through a divorce. But we one day, after i worked for her for 6 months, had coffee for no apparent reason and started talking and discovered we both like the same genre of music and started hanging out and going to bars and clubs. Never once did she ever ask me why am I hanging out with someone her age? It was a great friendship that lasted for almost 10 years. Then withered out. Thats all there was to it.

 

Again...YOU ARE NOT HER FRIEND

 

If you were, she would know you are married and have at least one son. She doesn't. you are not honest with her.

[wmacbride]

Dear CautiouslyOptimistic, I ain't got nothing. This will lead to nowhere. Its just a temporary ego boost just to feel young again or feel something. I am not about to sleep with a married 20 year old. ;-)

 

This right here, sums up your problem.

 

you sir, are a user. you see the world as being there to feed your ego, heal your wounds and be the source of all the angst in your life.

 

You sound like an intelligent enough guy, and part of you has to know it's not working.

[wmacbride]

Meanwhile you are staying out, abandoning your kids who you seem to have not a seconds concern for. Why have them if you have zero concern for their wellbeing?

 

 

it's another one of those " my wife is so terrible. she screams and yells, nags at me, is a terrible person, a horrible mother...yet he feels fine leaving her with the kids so he ca go to an art appreciation class and chase after some woman in his class?

 

That doesn't even make sense.

[wmacbride]

What!!?? I dive them to school and drive the pick them up from their activities and events whenever I am available.

 

Why I am not around as much is because my spouse likes to live in a big place in the burbs closer to her mother and I work downtown. So my commutes are a killer. And then on top of that when I work late, I don't get home until 8 or 9pm at night. There is a price to pay for all the nice things you want in your life. Nothing comes for free. Especially if its nice. ;-)

 

So you are taking an art appreciation class for work and you have no choice in the matter? I didn't realize that.

[wmacbride]

Lets get this straight. I am not preying on her or stalking her and never did. She initiated the be-friendship and I accepted.

 

But its true what you say in the other part. I am a sad old guy (though I try to do my best to not come across as a drooling old geezer) who does like the company of a younger women because it makes me feel young again. What can I do -- I can't turn back time. At the same time, I am not going to block her and unfriend someone I kind of like hanging out with as a person and turn to hanging out with women "my own age" because its socially proper.

 

I have a solution. how about you take that time that you send hanging out with women and spend it with your child?

[wmacbride]

What!!?? I dive them to school and drive the pick them up from their activities and events whenever I am available.

 

Why I am not around as much is because my spouse likes to live in a big place in the burbs closer to her mother and I work downtown. So my commutes are a killer. And then on top of that when I work late, I don't get home until 8 or 9pm at night. There is a price to pay for all the nice things you want in your life. Nothing comes for free. Especially if its nice. ;-)

 

Oh, your big, bad meanie wifey made you put your child first by forcing you to live in the suburbs where a kid can actually go outside and play in the yard, feel the grass on their bare toes and breathe fresh air?

 

What a horrible person to do all of that to a child. She must be horrid!

 

Op, come on. You sound like a smart enough guy, and it's pretty hard to believe that you are as dense as you are making yourself sound.

 

Your wife may well have a real mean streak. I don't know. What I do know is that you are placing all the blame for the things you don't like in your life on everyone else, and that's simply not helpful. If you want your life to be different, start taking responsibility for the things in your life that you can change.

 

Don't want to be married? Rather than take a passive aggressive swipe at your wife by cheating ( and if you really want us to believe this "friendship" is innocent, well, this girl may be naive, but the rest of us can see exactly what is going on) , how about seeking a divorce? That way, you will be able to do as you please, you'll have time to be with your child one on one and you will be away from your wife who you seem to feel is responsible for all your emotional angst.

 

Yes, it will be a difficult road, but at the end of the day, you'll feel a lot better and you won't find yourself as just another married man out catting around. You will be the kind of man your child can be proud of.

 

Isn't that what you want most of all? To be the type of man your child can look up to as a role model?

[KBob]

Dear CautiouslyOptimistic, I ain't got nothing. This will lead to nowhere. Its just a temporary ego boost just to feel young again or feel something. I am not about to sleep with a married 20 year old. ;-)

 

I'm not a psychologist, but I have experience dealing with this. The more you post, the more your self centered and callous personality comes to light. I'll be bold enough to say that this quote below is applicable:

 

"Psychopathy is a personality disorder which has symptoms expressed over a wide range of settings. Socially, it expresses extensive callous and manipulative self-serving behaviors with no regard for others, and often is associated with repeated delinquency, crime and violence, but may also present itself in other, maybe even successful social settings."

[Poppy47]

Great advice, but I don't really think OP cares enough about anything or anybody in his life (including himself) to give a **** about what decisions he makes at this point. It doesn't even sound like he'd care about getting caught. It seems like he so preoccupied with whether or not he can pull this off that if something bad happens, so be it, at least he knows he's still "got it."

 

Its what he wants... he doesn't give a flying toss about his kids or his wife.

[BaileyB]

Its what he wants... he doesn't give a flying toss about his kids or his wife.

 

Or the young girl with whom he shares this "special friendship...." because he did care about her well being and had her best interest at heart, he would tell her to go back to her husband and leave her alone.

[wmacbride]

Or the young girl with whom he shares this "special friendship...." because he did care about her well being and had her best interest at heart, he would tell her to go back to her husband and leave her alone.

 

 

Exactly, What right does someone have to try and draw someone else into his life, especially if it's based on a lie?

 

Op, you know you aren't her friend. I have friends, and they know the important things that are going on in my life. For example they know I am married and have kids.

 

Your "girl" doesn't now about your life. You hide things and lie to her. This indicates you are :

(a) not her friend

(b) are hoping for something more than just friendship

 

Nice, really nice.

 

If you cared about her at all, you would tell her you are not in any sort of a place in your life to be her friend, and if she has problems, she should go back to her husband and sort them out.

 

Notice you haven't done that? Not to mention the fact that you refer to her as "my girl". I have never heard someone refer to his friend that way.

 

If you can't be honest with us, at least be honest with yourself.

[jjgitties]

Exactly, What right does someone have to try and draw someone else into his life, especially if it's based on a lie?

 

Op, you know you aren't her friend. I have friends, and they know the important things that are going on in my life. For example they know I am married and have kids.

 

Your "girl" doesn't now about your life. You hide things and lie to her. This indicates you are :

(a) not her friend

(b) are hoping for something more than just friendship

 

Nice, really nice.

 

If you cared about her at all, you would tell her you are not in any sort of a place in your life to be her friend, and if she has problems, she should go back to her husband and sort them out.

 

Notice you haven't done that? Not to mention the fact that you refer to her as "my girl". I have never heard someone refer to his friend that way.

 

If you can't be honest with us, at least be honest with yourself.

 

I think you are wrong. I think this girl does know I am married. We are friends on FB and I know she was gone through my pics as she has looked at and liked the ones with my kids in them. I think she's intelligent enough to figure out by the pics that I am married with kids. I have never lied to her and told her I am "separated" or "divorced" when I am not. I don't talk to her about my marriage or my problems. I haven't lied to her yet. I am a friendly ear when she needs to talk to someone or chat with someone. I have not asked or assumed she wants sex and am not confusing our friendship for anything more than it is. I fail to see the problem here.

 

But I do suspect there might be something up with her marriage as the texts from her seem to have a recurring pattern. they come at odd hours and usually very late at night. but who knows. maybe shes a night owl.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you are wrong. I think this girl does know I am married. We are friends on FB and I know she was gone through my pics as she has looked at and liked the ones with my kids in them. I think she's intelligent enough to figure out by the pics that I am married with kids. I have never lied to her and told her I am "separated" or "divorced" when I am not. I don't talk to her about my marriage or my problems. I haven't lied to her yet. I am a friendly ear when she needs to talk to someone or chat with someone. I have not asked or assumed she wants sex and am not confusing our friendship for anything more than it is. I fail to see the problem here.

 

But I do suspect there might be something up with her marriage as the texts from her seem to have a recurring pattern. they come at odd hours and usually very late at night. but who knows. maybe shes a night owl.

 

In your first post about this girl, you asked about dating a younger woman. Your second post calls her "my girl." You're really back-peddling.

[jjgitties]

You're really back-peddling.

 

yeah. i do that sometimes.

 

So it seems the consensus is I should tell this young person, "sorry, i can't hang out or chat with you anymore. i am a married guy. you are a married woman. and we should not be socializing in any sort of way because it could lead to some sort of misunderstanding.".

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

yeah. i do that sometimes.

 

So it seems the consensus is I should tell this young person, "sorry, i can't hang out or chat with you anymore. i am a married guy. you are a married woman. and we should not be socializing in any sort of way because it could lead to some sort of misunderstanding.".

 

I'm not sure you necessarily need to SAY that. Just stop responding to the texts and if she asks you to do something, say no.

[jjgitties]

I'm not sure you necessarily need to SAY that. Just stop responding to the texts and if she asks you to do something, say no.

 

but that is crazy. i actually like her. i dont mean romantically. i like hanging out with her and chatting with her. i should stone wall someone based on the fact that she is married and i am married? i dont get it.

 

this is all seems to be leading to , I should ask something derogatory like, "hey little girl, why are you not spending your time hanging out and chatting your your husband instead of me?"

 

who knows why and its none on my business to ask. maybe she already spends too much time with her husband and is already feeling a little suffocated in the marriage and needs some alone time without him. who knows. if she ever brings it up, i will talk to her about it. but i a fail to see why i need to go poking into the internals of other peoples relationships or stonewall someone i like because of assumptions that could be entirely baseless.

 

i think the issues with this thread is i really picked bad wording for the title and that first post. it made me sound like i was some old guy that went to night classes to chat up young girls and see if i can nail them. its so completely opposite from the truth.

[QuestioningSoul]

Actually, yes, that's exactly what someone with healthy boundaries and a respect for his marriage does. They say "I enjoyed your friendship, but I'm worried about where this might lead."

 

You'll never be honest with anyone if you don't start being honest with yourself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

but that is crazy. i actually like her. i dont mean romantically. i like hanging out with her and chatting with her. i should stone wall someone based on the fact that she is married and i am married? i dont get it.

 

this is all seems to be leading to , I should ask something derogatory like, "hey little girl, why are you not spending your time hanging out and chatting your your husband instead of me?"

 

who knows why and its none on my business to ask. maybe she already spends too much time with her husband and is already feeling a little suffocated in the marriage and needs some alone time without him. who knows. if she ever brings it up, i will talk to her about it. but i a fail to see why i need to go poking into the internals of other peoples relationships or stonewall someone i like because of assumptions that could be entirely baseless.

 

i think the issues with this thread is i really picked bad wording for the title and that first post. it made me sound like i was some old guy that went to night classes to chat up young girls and see if i can nail them. its so completely opposite from the truth.

 

If it's all so innocent, tell your wife about your new BFF. See what she thinks about it.

[jjgitties]

If it's all so innocent, tell your wife about your new BFF. See what she thinks about it.

 

I can't. Because I actually need this at this point in my life. I haven't felt so happy and looked forward to seeing and talking to someone like her in a very long time.

 

I am pretty sure it will fade away on its own without me having to do anything. The class we taking is wrapping up and then the family stuff and holidays will come. By January i am sure we will be just casual fb friends who never see each other.

[treehugger12]

I haven't lied to her yet.

 

“YET”

 

So you do plan on lying to her???

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can't.

 

Why can't you? Your wife doesn't want you having friends?

[wmacbride]

yeah. i do that sometimes.

 

So it seems the consensus is I should tell this young person, "sorry, i can't hang out or chat with you anymore. i am a married guy. you are a married woman. and we should not be socializing in any sort of way because it could lead to some sort of misunderstanding.".

 

Yes, that's exactly what you should say.

 

Some men and women can be friends, but that only happens when they are honest with each other, and they don't hide away bits and pieces of their lives. They have firm boundaries in place. In fact, in many cases, they have met and are friendly with each other's spouses , are welcome in each other's homes, etc. Nothing is hidden.

 

It doesn't sound like you are in a position to offer her friendship right now, so if you care about her at all, leave her alone.

[jjgitties]

Why can't you? Your wife doesn't want you having friends?

 

maybe there would a lot of explaining to do as to why i am close friends with a 20 year old female.?

 

look. my marriage could very well be on its last legs. even my wife is attached to her phone more than usual and constantly texting. i dont ask who it is or anything. my marriage i feel has pretty much run its course. i hardly even have any feelings of jealousy towards my spouse.

 

what this girl and her friendship has brought into my life is i feel something for someone again. even if it might be a mild infatuation with a younger person because of her youth. but its not sexual in the least bit. she makes me look forward to when we do see each other and chat. she also somehow subconsciously motivates me to work out more and and get it shape so i look a little better i guess. who knows. maybe somewhere in the back of my pea brain somewhere i am am subconsciously competing with 20 years olds.

 

i am pretty sure nothing sexual will come out of this friendship and it will run out of air. for now its just what it is.

[wmacbride]

maybe there would a lot of explaining to do as to why i am close friends with a 20 year old female.?

 

look. my marriage could very well be on its last legs. even my wife is attached to her phone more than usual and constantly texting. i dont ask who it is or anything. my marriage i feel has pretty much run its course. i hardly even have any feelings of jealousy towards my spouse.

 

what this girl and her friendship has brought into my life is i feel something for someone again. even if it might be a mild infatuation with a younger person because of her youth. but its not sexual in the least bit. she makes me look forward to when we do see each other and chat. she also somehow subconsciously motivates me to work out more and and get it shape so i look a little better i guess. who knows. maybe somewhere in the back of my pea brain somewhere i am am subconsciously competing with 20 years olds.

 

i am pretty sure nothing sexual will come out of this friendship and it will run out of air. for now its just what it is.

 

You are lying to yourself.

 

Re-read your first post in this thread, and also the ones after that. Th words you use ( and i'm not buying the "bad choice of words" excuse that you have tried to use) are so far out of the friend zone they aren't even on the same planet.

 

You have also hidden the fact that you are married, and your excuse that " she can see me on social media" is again, just that, an excuse.

 

Before you drag this 20 year old, who is just starting out, into your crap, really think about it. If she were your daughter and some married 40 year old man wrote what you have written, what would you think was going on?

 

You are lying to us, and even worse, yourself.