Why do you think you're really single?

[Shanex]

For merely the same reasons as the OP: I dislike being treated poorly, and I mean past the ''honeymoon phase'' when its all roses and champagne, literally and figurately.

 

I noticed that after about 6 months when we both had a blast and one or another start to get tired, one will inevitably start acting cold, or sometimes plain mean, which is unnaceptable.

 

Id also rather being single and not deal with someone who won't respect me, despite my efforts to maintain the relationship.

 

LTR? If that implies more than 6 months to a year, I have had only 3. Only might be a lot for some people and very few for others.

 

Yeah, I also need sex but lately am not much interested in a hookup just to get laid. The solution may be a very casual relationship bordering on being a FWB when no one hurt the other and when we are done so be it.

[No_Go]

The solution may be a very casual relationship bordering on being a FWB when no one hurt the other and when we are done so be it.

 

^ This turns to be incredibly hard in real life. Sounds like the perfect solution for people that prefer singlehood but it is just... way harder than it sounds.

 

I was absolutely sure I'm on the track for my first casual experience and yet it turned to be as complicated as any other interpersonal relationship, the hyperfocus (which always happen to me when I start a relationship) of course showed up in it's full strength, I was kind of hoping the guy will push for it but he started going for datey things instead .

 

So I'm personally giving up on my casual plans and going for plan B: just to power through until the time I'm ready for an actual relationship, which can be a looooooooong time . The other advantages of single life make the 'sacrifice' worth it.

[Shanex]

^ This turns to be incredibly hard in real life. Sounds like the perfect solution for people that prefer singlehood but it is just... way harder than it sounds.

 

I was absolutely sure I'm on the track for my first casual experience and yet it turned to be as complicated as any other interpersonal relationship, the hyperfocus (which always happen to me when I start a relationship) of course showed up in it's full strength, I was kind of hoping the guy will push for it but he started going for datey things instead .

 

So I'm personally giving up on my casual plans and going for plan B: just to power through until the time I'm ready for an actual relationship, which can be a looooooooong time . The other advantages of single life make the 'sacrifice' worth it.

 

Casual R, and FWB shouldn't have dramas indeed, but we are humans aren't we? Unfortunately I have had the same experience as you and eventually this didn't go too well, on occasions.

 

I know I am capable of being single for months, I am busy with friends and family enough so thats not emotionally painful to be single.

 

After a recent BU of a LTR, I don't really sleep around, Ive had my share of sex already and spend more me-time. Its also a good feeling.

 

I realise I am a complicated man. And have sort of standards, hence the ''don't treat me poorly'' comment which I think isn't too much to ask someone. I realise being in a steady R is awesome and better than being single in any way until for some reason the passion subside and I am back to dating again.

[Arieswoman]

All,

Coming from a different angle, I was single for 20 years in between getting divorced from cheating husband #1 and meeting my 2nd husband.

 

Why?

 

Because I was an intelligent, independent, professional woman who could support myself financially.

I didn't need a man.

But I wanted a man for his own sake, as a companion in an equal relationship based on mutual love, trust and respect.

I didn't want a man to keep me or give me children. ( I have no children and never wanted them)

 

Some so-called "friends" said I was "too picky". I said that if you are picking a life partner then you need to be "picky"!

 

So I dated a lot, but discarded all the gold diggers, flakes, users, idiots, guys with issues, nut jobs, rebounds, married guys in disguise, guys with anger management issues, guys with addictions, guys not over an ex. and a whole host of other unsuitable 'candidates'.

 

I made my mind up that I would rather spend my time living in a croft on the Outer Hebrides digging peat than settle for anything like the lonely unhappy first marriage I had.

 

I kept my standards high and eventually I met my second husband.

 

It took a long time, but it worked out for me.

 

I would say to those that are single (and want to be in a meaningful relationship) keep your standards high and there is someone out there for you.

 

[littleblackheart]

Because I was an intelligent, independent, professional woman who could support myself financially.

 

This is probably the most important thing, especially financial independence, having a career and not letting ourselves be influenced by what others think: all this helps be freer to live 100% on our terms.

 

I have 2 kids who bring me the deepest joy, and this, and prioritising kindness over self-interest, is the type of thing I encourage them to think about as they grow up. Of course finding the right life companion is a nice bonus for those who want it, but it's not, in my opinion, essential, necessary or compulsory.

[Chris2016]

Me, I think it's because of my looks. But you see all kinds of people pair up. So I wonder what's wrong with me. What can't I figure out that others seems to have grasped.

 

I think because of my looks, I don't get enough opportunities to date people, to gain experience and tough skin, to figure out what does/doesn't work for me.

 

I wish I had the tenacity in my love life, as I do in my job seeking life. I've recently been in the job market for several months. I've submitted several applications, gone on interviews, been ghosted and rejected. I keep going at it, cause I have to eat.

 

I've also developed a backbone. In the early stages, I complied. Now, I recognize when a recruiter is game playing. If they want me to jump through hoops, I have them ante up. It's a two way street. If they ghost, so be it. I'm striving for a job, and employers/recruiters have the upper hand, but that doesn't mean I can't say no.

 

Has anyone translated their job seeking skills and mindset, to their love seeking life?

Edited January 6, 2018 by Chris2016

[Eternal Sunshine]

More on why I am single:

 

I am highly introverted and I dislike socializing. The only time I spend with other people (apart from work where there is 0 single guys) is with family and coupled friends. I never meet anyone new like that. I try to make myself go to a meetup, but have only actually went twice in the last few years. I RSVPed many times but when it's time to go - I just dread it so much that I don't show up.

 

I have high standards for myself and others. I want someone educated, cultured, intelligent, financially stable, attractive with a good job and minimum baggage. I am in late 30s, so pickings are slim and those guys generally prefer to date younger. I am kicking myself for being too obsessed with my career and missing out when I was younger.

 

I actually hate dating. It fills me with so much anxiety when I like someone and it's a total chore when I am lukewarm. Ideally I would date someone that I already know and have feelings for so that dating feels more comfortable. I wish I could fast forward the initial dating stage alltogether.

 

I live in a mining town. It probably has the most incompatible demographic of people for my personality possible. I work in a niche field so finding jobs elsewhere is not easy.

 

I miss having a single female BFF that is close to my age. I have a single friend that is 25 but the age gap in terms of maturity and personality is very obvious. I am kind of confused how men can date so much younger and not feel this gap. I would love to have a BFF that goes out and sometimes travels with me. My life would improve drastically. But I found that finding a good new female friend is just as difficult as finding a good romantic relationship, especially later in life.

 

So yeah, things are not looking good in that arena. But the positive thing is that I care less and less if it never happens. I am just going to do my thing and let it all evolve naturally.

[nospam99]

More on why I am single:

 

I am highly introverted and I dislike socializing. The only time I spend with other people (apart from work where there is 0 single guys) is with family and coupled friends. I never meet anyone new like that. I try to make myself go to a meetup, but have only actually went twice in the last few years. I RSVPed many times but when it's time to go - I just dread it so much that I don't show up.

 

Having an introverted personality myself, recognizing that nonetheless I greatly enjoy the company of small groups of friends, having had 'the' epiphany about the value of an SO within the last year, being a hopeless romantic, and also being cold-blooded pragmatic about what life may have left for me, I haven't given up and hate to see anyone else give up. Suggestions:

- Keep trying meetups (I assume you have found meetup.com)

- Try a church - the church you believe in if that's your 'thing' or any church in town with a clergyperson who is open, nonjudgmental, and helpful about people in 'our' (I mean that) relationship status.

- Ditto community groups provided by local government if they exist or cultural social groups (Italian/Polish/German clubs, etc).

- P.S. at least take a look at OLD. It's been a lot of time invested, but I've been pleasantly surprised by the possibilities. Totally dependent on how many 'viable candidates' are nearby though. AND a different type of 'search' depending on whether you are male or female.

Edited January 6, 2018 by nospam99

[Juha]

Well, as for me it seems I am in a tough age and it seems my window has closed. I am pretty much too old to find someone to have children and I don't want to be bothered by dating anyone that having a child with can't happen.

 

That leaves my pickings very slim and from the lack of interest towards me from the group that children could happen with pretty much leaves me on the outside looking in.

 

I can easily find women with children already and are done having them to date. I can also find younger women without children who are in the demographic of what I would be looking for but do not take me seriously for having children with because of my age but like to date me because I am fun and they like me but not to have anything serious with or children.

 

So I am pretty much stuck it seems with my window pretty much closed.

 

I have been online dating and pretty much tired of it, too much time and effort for little return, if any. Just about all my friends are married or in long term relationships and when we get together there are no single women, pretty much. I have not been spending much time with most of my friends that are coupled when I could be out with singles and maybe meet someone or would rather stay home than be around all my coupled friends...

 

They have been asking where I have been and miss having me around, I

have not told them why I have not been around. They know I am looking for something serious. I mostly get from them you're single because you are too picky.

 

Pretty depressed about this and have been concentrating on making money, staying in shape, taking care of an older relative, and trying some different activities.

 

Don't really see this changing so trying to accept this will be how my life is. I am sure at some point I will just date someone I really like but kids will not be an option because they have already had them and are done or are too old....

 

Not a very happy future as far as what I want....

[shoplocal]

I'm gonna be blunt here, it's because I am not attractive. If I was attractive, even marginally, I'd have little problem getting dates, but since I'm not, I don't. There's a reason I've only been on one first date in my life and have had only one relationship in my entire life.

 

I have a great personality, I am financially responsible, I'm educated, but none of that matters because the first thing people see when they look at me is an unattractive woman.

 

Same here, re: ugly. Luckily, my life is a shambles, so I'm not a catch even if I weren't bad to look at. I'd still be single.

 

(Unless I were pretty enough to get a pass for being a mess )

[shoplocal]

I really don't see women in their 20 to 50's, just being ok with sleeping around and having FWB. For them a FWB is default until they can turn the guy into their BF or SO.

 

I don't see women like that on a whole unless their lives is off kilter.

 

I see loads of women like this. All my friends are female, my hobbies are largely female, and my interests are largely female. There are so many women who amaze me with their willingness to sleep around. Sure, they're looking for love, but in the meantime they have zero problem being in a FWB/'in case of emergency, break the glass' situation with one or more dudes until they find that special someone.

 

(And yes, I know I'm replying to old posts in a long thread trying to restrain myself as much as possible, but there's so much interesting here!)

[Cookiesandough]

When I see a cute guy standing by the shelf near something I need and he looks over, I quickly pretend I went down the wrong aisle and convince myself I really don't need bread that bad anyway.

[drakon12]

Well, no need to lie to ourselves, I am single because I need to improve myself in many aspects. I'm well with friendly communication with women, I'm literally surrounded by female friends, this way I can tell I lack in the attractiveness department. Also, I'd like to hear your suggestions about this so I can improve myself more.

[toomanyquestions123]

i think i am single because TILL now i didnt meet anyone interesting that i would like to make an effort for. I am a very attractive woman and well educated but since i broke up with my ex-fiancé only ****ed up guys ( married-engaged-people with mental issues-younger guys ) have been hitting on me. I only met a good guy and we dated for 2 months but i was not attracted to him because he was too short. Plus i dont mind being single for a while, my last heartbreak melted me so i need to recover alone. I dont want to waste my time and cause my heart another ache. I guess i am scared to get into a new relationship as well.

Edited January 24, 2018 by toomanyquestions123

[hotpotato]

I admit I have work to do, too. The I was a better he when I was younger. I did more things right. I used to feel like what I did made a difference.

 

Somewhere I lost that will to fight for a relationship.

 

Maybe I had too many bad experiences and spent too much time alone.

[toomanyquestions123]

i think i am single because TILL now i didnt meet anyone interesting that i would like to make an effort for. I am a very attractive woman and well educated but since i broke up with my ex-fiancé only ****ed up guys ( married-engaged-people with mental issues-younger guys ) have been hitting on me. I only met a good guy and we dated for 2 months but i was not attracted to him because he was too short. Plus i dont mind being single for a while, my last heartbreak melted me so i need to recover alone. I dont want to waste my time and cause my heart another ache. I guess i am scared to get into a new relationship as well.

 

Currently 2 guys are hitting on me, one is in a long term relationship and the other is 2 years younger than me and fron a different religion, And you ask me why i am single ?

[Mysterio]

This is how it works for me at the moment and when I look at my life.

 

If I like a woman. There is an obstacle. She is either Married or attached some how. If she is single then for some reason. Getting together is hard. Its never just cut and dry.

 

When the woman likes me. I am easy to be with. I don't have an ex in the way. I don't have kids. All I have is work at the hospital. Family/Friends. Going to Music concerts and the odd movie/working out at the gym and doing my Buddhist Chanting.

 

The women that like me are in my social environment. If I was a betting man. My next major relationship, will be with a woman that likes me and is making an effort with me. I should not be working it as hard as I have. If I want things to flow my way a bit more.

 

All my ex's came from the women telling me that they liked me romantically. I meet lots of people all the time. I just keep doing what I am doing an all will work out.

[melonmint57]

Just as the OP pointed out, I'm also not into all of the dating games that seem to be plaguing a greater majority of the people I come into contact with. I'm a pretty straightforward person and if theres chemistry, you'll know... if not, no hard feelings. Given the struggle of discovering where I can meet like-minded individuals, I've used online dating sites exclusively on and off over the last 4 years after a nearly 4 year relationship ended. I find it to initially seem promising, but after a couple dates, it's clear the chemistry isn't there, or we are at very different stages in our lives. I think being single for me comes down to 3 things. 1. While I have plenty of interest in a long-term relationship, I don't have an interest in marriage. 2. I'm not interested in having children. 3. My work is very non-traditional. I don't work a 9-5 and I'm typically traveling, or tied up working on various programs nearly every weekend. Given that I'm 28, most of my friends are married, engaged or having children, so that leaves me feeling we have less and less in common and fewer social circles to turn to.

[Mysterio]

I find my friendships a little bit better than any dating relationship, I have had in the recent present. In that what I mean is that if feels like the friendships are of better quality.

 

New Friends and older friends that have been with me. Everything is straight forward cut and dry.

 

Dating the current women around me. A lot of them are attached so the dating is basically dead on arrival. If they are single. Loopy-ness in terms of getting together. AKA. I have a lot of leg work to do, to just go out.

 

I think a lot of us are going to have let a lot of the constant leg work of dating go. Unless the women in our case of being men, have a strong attraction to us and make time for us and being upfront about it. Might as well focus on the other parts of our lives.

 

It will happen when it does. Better to be clear headed about being in a romantic relationship, than to constantly date any woman that you don't know anything about, beyond looks being the driving force.

[Noproblem]

I am single because I want to be single.

[hotpotato]

I realize I don't romanticize relationships or the opposite sex like in the past.

 

I wanted to have kids while in my 20s. I was a lot more willing to put up with certain behaviors.

[ABrokenWing]

Crippling Social Anxiety