Horrible mistake

[BarbedFenceRider]

I'm glad the 400lb. gorilla in the room finally got to exit. Like S2b said...NC with the AP? I will pray for you and your family. You are brave, and stronger than you seem. This will help you going forward. Best wishes.

[aliveagain]

You have done the right thing. Had he found out on his own you probably wouldn't have this second chance, second chances are earned. Telling him earned you a second chance, good for you. Write out a timeline of your affair and leave nothing out and then seal it in a brown envelope and store it away until he tells you to destroy it or asks you to show it to him, let him decide. Do not destroy any emails, texts, sexting unless he asks you to. Wiping out the incriminating evidence will work against you. Get rid of all your friends that facilitated your cheating, they are not friends of your relationship.

 

Give him his space, have him put GPS on your car so he knows where you are. Send a "NO CONTACT" to other man, be very clear that you are committed to making your relationship work and that he is never to contact you again but don't send it until your husband/boyfriend has read it and approved it. Give him full transparency, all passwords, hide nothing there is no room for lies or secrets in a healthy relationship. He has decided to give you a second chance and that means he is taking full responsibility for that decision. Do not blow this chance, you have been given a gift that you may not understand it's full value until you discover what it cost him to give one day.

 

Get yourself into independent counselling so you understand why you allowed yourself the approval to do this to him. Until you get to the root of your problem you are still broken and a risk to be with. Please tell me you now understand the importance of being honest, telling him was the only way to save this relationship. Offer him a prenuptial agreement that gives him most of the equity if you split because of a future infidelity if he needs it. No more male friends that aren't friends of his. Do the work, commit yourself because you both have to be 100% into the relationship. Keep boundaries and honor them. Being unfaithful is easy, we can all do that, getting their trust back will be the hardest thing you have ever done.

Edited November 22, 2017 by aliveagain

[usa1ah]

HCEC I wish to say one thing. We are all human and make mistakes in life, I know I have made plenty. You made a big one and with strength and character owned up to it and now have a chance to make your relationship great. I really wish my wife was like you in this respect. My wife didn’t have an affair but there are more then one way to betray the one you are with.

 

You are a good person, unlike a lot of people now a day that think lying and deceit is ok in respect to infidelity. You are one in a million don’t forget this and forgive yourself as your bf has. So many have gone down the other path and have lost all.

 

Turn your attention to your soon to be and make things right. Just touch back down the road and let us now how you are doing.

 

Later HCEC

[Colin Grant]

A few things of note:

 

1) You say you love your fiance, but you also admitted to flirting with someone who was very attracted to you. These two statements contradict. You were selfish and you may want to check yourself if you really love him, as you may have been drunk when you did it, but you were conscience of the situation you placed yourself in. Getting drunk probably just aided you in not taking responsibility for your actions. People know when they're ready to do something, it's convenient to drink as it provides them with a ready made excuse.

 

 

2) You didn't make a mistake. You made a decision.

 

3) Before you even admit to your decision, you begin the reasoning your actions by claiming non-support from your fiance. WEAK!

 

4) Were you protected? If not, you also placed at risk the health of your fiance and unborn child.

 

5) You did the right thing to tell him for many reasons. Rug sweeping is easy and pain free, but life is funny in that things often come to light years later. Now that he knows, you will not have this secret inside any longer. I know you don't want to hear this, but your fiance deserves the right to know and make the decision as to whether he wants to marry a cheater or not. I fully understand your shame and disgust right now, and it's easy to say I'll never do it again, but the circumstances surrounding your decision will come up again and let's say you're mad at your husband and the relationship has has been going through rough patch for months. Your friends with John in the Accounting Department who you confide in over a few harmless drinks, he's empathetic to your problems, telling you you're smart and beautiful and next thing you know, a kiss happens and two hours later, panties fly. That's how it goes. Your fiance has a right to know who you are, not that you'll do it again, but that you have a minimal track record of having done it. He may or may not be ok with having someone who's already shown to poor decision making when vulnerable.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Colin Grant

[frigginlost]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

 

First off, good on you for doing the right thing. As someone who was cheated on, by doing the right thing you have a shot at making it work.

 

Yes, it is a stage he is going through and his emotions are going to swing wildly. Understand that and let him fume when he needs to.

 

Two very important things you need to do now: Forgive him for his wild emotions that are going to come to light, and second, forgive yourself for what happened. You did the right thing in telling him.

 

As a side note, I cannot believe some of the selfish self-centered, you should have stayed quiet bullcrap being spewed by some of the women here. Shame on you. This "me first" attitude being hidden under the "not hurting him by telling him" fog screen is exactly what is killing many, many, relationships that actually might survive.

[Space Ritual]

As a side note, I cannot believe some of the selfish self-centered, you should have stayed quiet bullcrap being spewed by some of the women here. Shame on you. This "me first" attitude being hidden under the "not hurting him by telling him" fog screen is exactly what is killing many, many, relationships that actually might survive.

 

I'm not.

 

Cheating in and of itself is about as selfish as you can get...well maybe 2nd to throwing women and children off the side of a sinking ship so one can ease into a lifeboat like an old man easing into a warm bath.

 

It may have been more female centric in this thread, but there are plenty of apologists on this forum of both genders. The notion of "carrying it to the grave" is not a viable option anymore as no one seems to even have the backbone to do even that. They can't keep their own mouths shut, so why should they expect anyone else to?

 

IMO those that advise against disclosure are usually those who have never really experienced true consequences for their actions. Also they more often than not advise that direction out of regret. If they were advising out of remorse, they would be the first ones to trumpet disclosure.

[frigginlost]

I'm not.

 

Cheating in and of itself is about as selfish as you can get...well maybe 2nd to throwing women and children off the side of a sinking ship so one can ease into a lifeboat like an old man easing into a warm bath.

 

It may have been more female centric in this thread, but there are plenty of apologists on this forum of both genders. The notion of "carrying it to the grave" is not a viable option anymore as no one seems to even have the backbone to do even that. They can't keep their own mouths shut, so why should they expect anyone else to?

 

IMO those that advise against disclosure are usually those who have never really experienced true consequences for their actions. Also they more often than not advise that direction out of regret. If they were advising out of remorse, they would be the first ones to trumpet disclosure.

 

Great points.

 

I'm also of the belief that those who scream "what they don't know won't hurt them" when it comes to cheating, both male and female, simply do not retain the ability to fully invest in a relationship. The wheels will come off at some point...

[bluecastle]

OP: I've been following this thread and just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you.

 

Telling him was the right thing to do—for both of you. It's so clear how deeply you love this man, and I believe that love will lead to you being able to put in the work, and work through this, together.

 

If you look at some of my recent threads, you'll see I'm in a similar situation. The difference is, I kept it from my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I had my reasons and internal justifications—namely, that I didn't want to hurt her and was able to put it behind me and fully commit to being a present and decent man post-ONS.

 

She never knew, but a residue from that period hung about the edges of our relationship for years. She knew something was "off" during that period, and it created an unspoken tension that we could never escape because the source was never acknowledged. As good and decent as I was for years—I did turn my guilt into fuel for being "good"—there was always a part of her that couldn't quite accept it as genuine.

 

Two years after I cheated, 1.5 years after we enjoyed an amazing period of love and growth and connection, life delivered a blow to her in the form of serious depression. When she began thinking everything was worthless and people were terrible, she completely closed off to me. Any caring gesture of mine was met with bitter resentment from our first year together—that icky residue resurfacing.

 

We couldn't connect when we most needed to, and what happened? She ended up cheating on me, lying to me, rationalizing it as retaliation, going down her own guilt/shame spiral, and the relationship unraveled. Needless to say, it's been devastating. I wanted to spend my life with this woman.

 

I found out she'd cheated in bits and pieces through friends. I was furious, but, then again, who was I to point fingers? So all these years later, two months after breaking up, I told her what I'd done so we could (finally!) communicate on an honest plane and have each of our pain fully acknowledged by the other. And for all that pain, the relief that being honest and open with each other has been a gift we've both acknowledged to the other, even in a shattered place.

 

For me, with so much buried for so long, it may be too late to work through it together. The number of "if only..." thoughts I now have are dizzying, and I realize we both may need to take these lessons and apply them to ourselves and future partners. That, of course, is devastating as well.

 

All of which is just to say again that my heart goes out to you. You did the right thing getting in front of this before that residue could really harden, expand, and come back to haunt you both when least expected. What happens next is not fully in your control—your F will process this all however he does. But honesty is the ultimate expression of love and really the only foundation for a sustainable relationship.

 

I guess, in ways, we're both out there in the world learning that in the deepest of trenches. Best of luck, and know this stranger in the digital ether is rooting for you.

[frigginlost]

OP: I've been following this thread and just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you.

 

Telling him was the right thing to do—for both of you. It's so clear how deeply you love this man, and I believe that love will lead to you being able to put in the work, and work through this, together.

 

If you look at some of my recent threads, you'll see I'm in a similar situation. The difference is, I kept it from my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I had my reasons and internal justifications—namely, that I didn't want to hurt her and was able to put it behind me and fully commit to being a present and decent man post-ONS.

 

She never knew, but a residue from that period hung about the edges of our relationship for years. She knew something was "off" during that period, and it created an unspoken tension that we could never escape because the source was never acknowledged. As good and decent as I was for years—I did turn my guilt into fuel for being "good"—there was always a part of her that couldn't quite accept it as genuine.

 

Two years after I cheated, 1.5 years after we enjoyed an amazing period of love and growth and connection, life delivered a blow to her in the form of serious depression. When she began thinking everything was worthless and people were terrible, she completely closed off to me. Any caring gesture of mine was met with bitter resentment from our first year together—that icky residue resurfacing.

 

We couldn't connect when we most needed to, and what happened? She ended up cheating on me, lying to me, rationalizing it as retaliation, going down her own guilt/shame spiral, and the relationship unraveled. Needless to say, it's been devastating. I wanted to spend my life with this woman.

 

I found out she'd cheated in bits and pieces through friends. I was furious, but, then again, who was I to point fingers? So all these years later, two months after breaking up, I told her what I'd done so we could (finally!) communicate on an honest plane and have each of our pain fully acknowledged by the other. And for all that pain, the relief that being honest and open with each other has been a gift we've both acknowledged to the other, even in a shattered place.

 

For me, with so much buried for so long, it may be too late to work through it together. The number of "if only..." thoughts I now have are dizzying, and I realize we both may need to take these lessons and apply them to ourselves and future partners. That, of course, is devastating as well.

 

All of which is just to say again that my heart goes out to you. You did the right thing getting in front of this before that residue could really harden, expand, and come back to haunt you both when least expected. What happens next is not fully in your control—your F will process this all however he does. But honesty is the ultimate expression of love and really the only foundation for a sustainable relationship.

 

I guess, in ways, we're both out there in the world learning that in the deepest of trenches. Best of luck, and know this stranger in the digital ether is rooting for you.

 

And that right there folks, is one of the greatest posts ever written on these boards...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

And that right there folks, is one of the greatest posts ever written on these boards...

 

Agreed! So much wisdom there.

[bluecastle]

Thanks for the kind words.

 

Alas, if only that wisdom wasn't learned (and being continually learned and fine-tuned) amidst so much wreckage.

 

Or, put less poetically, if only my former love could join me in sharing and excavating that wisdom together.

 

If only, if only...the subtext of so much here.

 

If anyone wants to read my recent posts—which have been moved and scattered about in strange ways—and lend an ear to this confused heart it would mean a lot.

[harrybrown]

OK, but where has confessing all, actually got her?

 

 

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

 

I agree with you.

 

Do women like men that cheat? I did not think that they did like men that cheat.

[Colin Grant]

I'm in favor of disclosure, but I waffle and I admit I'm embarrassed by making that statement as a BS, but the reality is it's either your pain or his pain, but the right thing is to tell him so that he can make a decision whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone who's betrayed his trust and possibly placed his health at risk depending whether or not you partner was protected.

 

Your pain is of maintaining a secret the rest of your life and dishonoring and robbing a man of his trust in you for the remainder of your marriage. The worst case scenario is, his pain is one he'll never completely overcome. NEVER! And because of that you will be pained also if you really love him. Additionally, his trust in you may never return completely and doubt will creep into his mind anytime you seem a little down, lonely and not feeling good about yourself. It will impact in ways you wouldn't even think of. For example, he might have an opportunity to travel on his job or be separated for you for a week or month, placing you guys in a better financial position. He may never tell you, but when contemplating an offer like that, he'll consider the negatives, and your emotional stability or instability will be a factor in his decision.

 

It will get old for you at some time, as it will creep up in arguments down the road even though you aren't doing anything as there will be some post traumatic symptoms he will endure. I cannot tell you how devastating it is for another man to know another has entered you, and where he thought was only his. It will play in his mind just from him seeing you sometimes. The cost of opening yourself costs the BS a lifetime of hurt and anguish. Alcohol will not change that. It will only allow your BS to rationalize your thought process, which will give him a wee little bit of assurance, but not much quite frankly. Your patience and willingness to understand his pain will be tested for a very long time, hence you must have patient endurance the likes you may have never have expected.

 

BTW......I'm not going to call you a liar, but I'm suspicious of the alcohol excuse. I think people have inclinations of cheating and conveniently drink to preemptively have a legitimate excuse and aid to make it happen.

Edited December 2, 2017 by Colin Grant

[Space Ritual]

BTW...I'm going to call you a liar, but I'm suspicious of the alcohol excuse. I think people have inclinations of cheating and conveniently drink to preemptively have a legitimate excuse and aid to make it happen.

 

No need to be suspicious. Alcohol is seemingly the go to excuse when the perpetrator initially seeks to absolve themselves in order to avoid consequence for their consciously poor choices.

[road]

I'm in favor of disclosure, but I waffle and I admit I'm embarrassed by making that statement as a BS, but the reality is it's either your pain or his pain, but the right thing is to tell him so that he can make a decision whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone who's betrayed his trust and possibly placed his health at risk depending whether or not you partner was protected.

 

Your pain is of maintaining a secret the rest of your life and dishonoring and robbing a man of his trust in you for the remainder of your marriage. The worst case scenario is, his pain is one he'll never completely overcome. NEVER! And because of that you will be pained also if you really love him. Additionally, his trust in you may never return completely and doubt will creep into his mind anytime you seem a little down, lonely and not feeling good about yourself. It will impact in ways you wouldn't even think of. For example, he might have an opportunity to travel on his job or be separated for you for a week or month, placing you guys in a better financial position. He may never tell you, but when contemplating an offer like that, he'll consider the negatives, and your emotional stability or instability will be a factor in his decision.

 

It will get old for you at some time, as it will creep up in arguments down the road even though you aren't doing anything as there will be some post traumatic symptoms he will endure. I cannot tell you how devastating it is for another man to know another has entered you, and where he thought was only his. It will play in his mind just from him seeing you sometimes. The cost of opening yourself costs the BS a lifetime of hurt and anguish. Alcohol will not change that. It will only allow your BS to rationalize your thought process, which will give him a wee little bit of assurance, but not much quite frankly. Your patience and willingness to understand his pain will be tested for a very long time, hence you must have patient endurance the likes you may have never have expected.

 

BTW......I'm not going to call you a liar, but I'm suspicious of the alcohol excuse. I think people have inclinations of cheating and conveniently drink to preemptively have a legitimate excuse and aid to make it happen.

 

 

 

My thoughts on the alcohol excuse as well.

[S2B]

Any update?

[HCEC]

So, we are still together and working through it. Some days are better than others.

He is 100% committed to making it work, something I thank my lucky stars for.

I cry about it more than him and am worried he isn’t really dealing with it and worry that it will all go wrong in the future.

I need to forgive myself but I am struggling as I am not the person I thought as didn’t even expect to cheat on someone and then didn’t ever expect to hurt him the way I have.

I am so happy that he is still here and am trying my best to make him fall in love with me again but worry it’s all a bit fake. Is this normal?

Please don’t bash me in any posts, I am honesty doing that enough myself.

 

I know I am the luckiest person alive to have someone that can move on from it

[BluesPower]

Yes it is normal...

 

Both you and he will have emotions come out of nowhere and they will shock you.

 

Your husband will have it the worst, some days, if it has not happened already, he will trigger for some reason and be completely depressed or totally pissed off. He will rage at you, cry at you, and all you can do is take it and continue to tell him and show him how sorry you are.

 

Some of it will seem impossible to get through but you will get through it if you both continue to work on it.

 

We are all proud of you for doing the right thing...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes it is normal...

 

Both you and he will have emotions come out of nowhere and they will shock you.

 

Your husband will have it the worst, some days, if it has not happened already, he will trigger for some reason and be completely depressed or totally pissed off. He will rage at you, cry at you, and all you can do is take it and continue to tell him and show him how sorry you are.

 

Some of it will seem impossible to get through but you will get through it if you both continue to work on it.

 

We are all proud of you for doing the right thing...

 

Just gonna "ditto" all of this. <3

[Try]

I know I am the luckiest person alive to have someone that can move on from it

Studies show that people get over the cheating much faster than they get over the lies associated with the cheating. By your honesty in telling him the truth on your own, you have limited the lies associated with the cheating, which will allow him to better focus on getting over the cheating. Your odds are good. I wish you the best. Be well.

[DKT3]

So, we are still together and working through it. Some days are better than others.

He is 100% committed to making it work, something I thank my lucky stars for.

I cry about it more than him and am worried he isn’t really dealing with it and worry that it will all go wrong in the future.

I need to forgive myself but I am struggling as I am not the person I thought as didn’t even expect to cheat on someone and then didn’t ever expect to hurt him the way I have.

I am so happy that he is still here and am trying my best to make him fall in love with me again but worry it’s all a bit fake. Is this normal?

Please don’t bash me in any posts, I am honesty doing that enough myself.

 

I know I am the luckiest person alive to have someone that can move on from it

 

I was just reading another thread of a WW who has been posting slightly longer then you, but has made absolutely no progress. You have.

 

Honestly, long term I'm doubtful your husband will hang around, I know it sucks to hear someone say that, but you have to understand that there is really very little you can actually do to change his decision in the end. What you can do is your best to become the person you believed yourself to be. Maybe in doing so he will see enough to want to stay.

 

Something I don't think alot of WS grasp is the BS is involved in an internal struggle, Because everything is telling them to run, while looking for excuses to stay. No one can tell you what or how to help him, hell he likely doesn't know. So just be the best you can, maybe it will be the best you with him, or maybe someone else, either way it's the best way forward.

[Space Ritual]

So, we are still together and working through it. Some days are better than others.

He is 100% committed to making it work, something I thank my lucky stars for.

I cry about it more than him and am worried he isn’t really dealing with it and worry that it will all go wrong in the future.

I need to forgive myself but I am struggling as I am not the person I thought as didn’t even expect to cheat on someone and then didn’t ever expect to hurt him the way I have.

I am so happy that he is still here and am trying my best to make him fall in love with me again but worry it’s all a bit fake. Is this normal?

Please don’t bash me in any posts, I am honesty doing that enough myself.

 

I know I am the luckiest person alive to have someone that can move on from it

 

A couple of points here.

 

1. You should not be worrying whether he is dealing with it or not. Think about your pain and multiply it by 1000. That is his pain. Your pain will never even come close to it. Not now, not ever.

 

You should be worrying about how you are going to make yourself a safe person again. With or without him.

 

Unless you have been betrayed like that you can never truly know the depths of it. So you need to stop that right now. That's recipe for him getting rid of you. If he sees you cry all he will think about is that if you are sorry for doing it or did you spill the beans because someone else was gong to. This is akin to making it all about you...and making things all about you is why you are where you are.

 

2. Trying to make him fall in love with you again is not happening right now, nor will it happen any time soon.

 

You seem to want him to fast track this whole forgiveness thing on YOUR timetable.

 

9/10 of your problem is that you are still attempting to control the outcome. And by doing so you are setting yourself up for a massive failure.

His lack of emotion is because he is still in shock. The one person who he thought he could trust dropped a nuclear bomb on him and now is second guessing his not getting over it quick enough.

 

You may not even realize it is what he sees

 

So what is it exactly that you have done to begin to make him feel safe?

 

Timeline?

Intense IC?

Transparency?

Access to your communications at any time he feels the need? And yes, he may not say it openly or even knows what he wants right now...but it would show a great amount of humility if you informed him that you would avail yourself to do so if and whenever he chooses.

 

You have got to let go of the outcome. You are exhibiting behaviors that many cheaters exhibit without even knowing it, because they are so used to being so terrible selfish.

and you are still doing it.

 

Look,

 

You at the very least are going to have to work your ass off for the next 2 years doing everything you possibly can to prove you have earned a shot at reconciliation. And you must do it with the knowledge that there is NO guarantee that he won't wake up one day and tell you he just can't do this.

 

So while you may be getting a few kudos for finally coming clean(of which I was one), you need to understand that in actuality you simply opened the page to the first chapter on how to get your life and relationship back. You still have to go through the whole book and not skim.

 

Your post sounds like a lot of others of both genders, who come here and want to Hoover this and make it all go away, with all too predictable results.

 

You can do it. But what are you going to do about it?

 

I just want to say I am not trying to insult you. I am trying to get you to wipe those tears from your eyes and not shut down and give up because he isn't showing emotions you would expect.

 

I am hard on you because I actually do know that between the lines of your posts you really do care about this and saving it. I think it would be a shame for you to give up. I actually see the beginnings of remorse creeping in. But you need to make the decision to either commit to it, or don't waste his time if this is too hard.

 

He needs to see that you are proactively taking steps.

 

Many of us here would have given an arm and a leg to see some sign of remorse form the one who betrayed us. Many, if not most of us never got a glimpse of it. Hence why we take the time to share our experiences.

 

Please don't give up . I am pulling for you. Pulling for you to not let all of this potential for you to make a new relationship and a better one crumble because it took too much time.

 

Let go of the outcome

Let go of the outcome

Let go of the outcome

 

and in case I didn't say it enough...

 

Let go of the outcome.

Edited December 16, 2017 by Space Ritual

[sandylee1]

I would keep letting him know you're grateful for a second chance.

 

Be open.

Be transparent.

Be grateful

 

And always have his back.

 

 

I don't agree with the GPS tracker business. That's no way to live.

 

It takes a lot of courage to confess....But I'm a believer of the world being such a small place.

 

My husband is friends (loosely) with a kind of Ex....but he doesn't know I had a thing with him.

 

I never knew my husband when I had a fling with this guy...but years later ..they are pals. There's no way I can tell him either.

[road]

I would keep letting him know you're grateful for a second chance.

 

Be open.

Be transparent.

Be grateful

 

And always have his back.

 

 

I don't agree with the GPS tracker business. That's no way to live.

 

It takes a lot of courage to confess....But I'm a believer of the world being such a small place.

 

My husband is friends (loosely) with a kind of Ex....but he doesn't know I had a thing with him.

 

I never knew my husband when I had a fling with this guy...but years later ..they are pals. There's no way I can tell him either.

 

I would be pissed if I was your husband and you did not tell

me that. There is a reason why an ex is an ex. And, NC should

be for the both of you.

[Jdoublenn]

I would be pissed if I was your husband and you did not tell

me that. There is a reason why an ex is an ex. And, NC should

be for the both of you.

 

If I was in his shoes, i'd rather not know, tbh. If it was way in the past, why put any kind of 'label' on it ? Especially if it wasn't anything serious and theres 0 reason to believe it would ever come up again..