Horrible mistake

[BarbedFenceRider]

What kind of person thinks like this?

 

What right do you have to try to trick and trap someone into a relationship based on lies? To take this advice a person must lack both a conscience and a soul. You would advise her to become a monster?

 

Exactly!!!! Then years down the road with the illegitimate kid in tow. Something happens and you have to "hide" another issue from your "man". Cause, it might hurt him...

 

Give me a break. This is projecting to quantify others actions. Nothing more.

[BluesPower]

I know but she swears that... But OP swears that she only got pregnant through IVF.

 

 

So, at least we can hope that she is right about this part...

[BMI03]

I get it! It’s the action that is the problem

I don’t feel great about it. In fact I feel that bad it’s stopping me enjoying the baby I always wanted.

 

I don’t want to do the same to him which is why o haven’t told him

 

I hadn’t considered the texting part before, you are right that’s bad enough if itself!

 

I do truly hate myself!

 

You are still talking about doing him harm like it's a future tense. This is why I say you don't yet get it. You have ALREADY harmed him...the only thing here is that he doesn't know it yet. Telling him is just another chance to do the right thing or the wrong thing and you are doing the wrong thing if you don't tell him.

 

It's simple...look at it this way:

- If you love him, then you want the best for him, whether it negatively impacts you or not

- What's best for him, is to have all of the correct information so that he is fully informed as to who he is marrying, and not risking losing years of his life with someone he would never have married had he been given the benefit of all the relevant information to make really large live decision in an informed way.

 

Think of it like this....if you found out from his doctor that he had cancer, and had two months to live, would you tell him? Would you want him to know the brutal truth no matter how difficult it would be for him, so that he can make some informed decisions on how he wants to spend his time and how what he wants to prioritize in his life? Or would you decide that because if would be hard on him and ruin his day, that it would be best to just not let him know and let him go on ignorant of it until it knocks him off of his feet some time down the road?

 

The choice is the same...what's good for your husband if you love him...only difference is that in this reality, you have created it, and you will have to pay the consequences. Don't let selfishness be the reason you don't tell him!

[S2B]

She can't know for sure the pregnancy is from IVF.

 

What is the timing of the pregnancy?

 

Did you become pregnant anywhere close to the time that you had sex with your other man?

[sandylee1]

You guys are being really harsh on the OP.

 

It's clear she's feeling really bad about the ONS and I've come across a few women who cheated after fertility difficulties.... I don't know if it's hormonal.

 

Not making excuses at all ..but having been told the disappointment of knowing you can't have a child brings about serious depression ... and has led to infidelity.

 

Anyway.... I was going to ask if there is any way your fiance would ever be able to find out about this?

 

I don't think you can live with this or you wouldn't be posting.... so you have to tell him.

[BMI03]

You guys are being really harsh on the OP.

 

It's clear she's feeling really bad about the ONS and I've come across a few women who cheated after fertility difficulties.... I don't know if it's hormonal.

 

Not making excuses at all ..but having been told the disappointment of knowing you can't have a child brings about serious depression ... and has led to infidelity.

 

Anyway.... I was going to ask if there is any way your fiance would ever be able to find out about this?

 

I don't think you can live with this or you wouldn't be posting.... so you have to tell him.

 

First...not a ONS. Texting and flirting with a guy she knew loves her as lead up is not a ONS.

 

Second, lots of things lead to infidelity...disappointment, anger, fear, jealousy...but people still make their decisions on how they manage that.

 

I know you are trying to spot a bit of a beating up here so I don't mean to be harsh to you too, but while it may come across as harsh to her at first glance, and it may not appear this way on the surface, it is actually meant to give her the best chance she has at a happy life.

 

Right now she is in the me-me-me state of mind. She doesn't know it...she feels bad and knows she cars about her husband, but her decision making to assess her next steps are all self-serving...help her state of mind, keep her from going crazy, save her guilt, let her enjoy her baby. Saying it will save her F pain is misguided and a false way to support the decision she wants to make not to tell.

 

She may be right in the short term, and it may mean calmness in the coming hours and days, but it is setting her up for a whole load of mess down the road. Back to my earlier analogy, it's like wanting to avoid a necessary surgery because you don't want to address the risk in the early stage and have to face the fear head on. Instead she will ignore, it will eventually come to a head, and three lives will be ruined in a way that is way way way worse with so much time lost.

 

So...harsh, maybe, but with her best interest in mind. It will take courage and love to do the right thing.

[Space Ritual]

You guys are being really harsh on the OP.

.

 

That may be. However Space Ritual uses the Velvet Glove only when someone is demonstrating true remorse. And we both know that doesn't appear overnight

 

This one ain't found it, and she never will until she is paid in her own coin.

[S2B]

If we all just agree with the original poster and coddle her - that doesn't help anyone to reach with other considerations/thought beyond their own.

 

Input from all experiences are more helpful to think beyond herself.

 

Thinking for/only of self is what created this mess...so I consider other input helpful in a universal way.

[Cobra_X]

She can't know for sure the pregnancy is from IVF.

What is the timing of the pregnancy?

Did you become pregnant anywhere close to the time that you had sex with your other man?

 

This is ridiculous. They are not going to waste an embryo implanting into an already pregnant woman! They test and control hormone levels constantly. If she had already had implantation it would show in the tests and they would not have done the transfer.

 

She would have had to sleep with the other man within... 12 hours or so of the embryo transfer. That is a narrow window and kind of silly to even suggest.

 

99.99999% chance that OP's baby is fathered by the sperm donor to the IVF procedure. It's beside the point anyway.

[Try]

It really was a one night one time thing.

 

Nothing else every happened or every would. Why would I put it is a one time thing on here if it was more. I have no need to lie on here

Similar logic as to why would you lie about it being “a one time thing” will apply if you tell him now prior to him later finding out, in that if you were going to lie, why would you tell him at all. If he finds out later after you trick him into marriage (he will look at it this way), he will have good reason not to believe a word that you say, and he will never believe that it was only one time. He will view the whole the other man (OM) was just a friend thing as just a lie to allow you to spend time with your affair partner. If you are at all in contact with the OM after you cheated with the OM, your fiancé will believe that you did not tell about the cheating because you wanted to keep the OM in play.

 

You should not enter a marriage without first defusing this ticking time bomb by telling your fiancé, and committing to go 100% no contact (NC) with the OM. Until you tell your fiancé the truth, he will consider the whole relationship from the time of the cheating until you tell him to be a lie. If you want a real relationship, you must tell him.

[S2B]

This is ridiculous. They are not going to waste an embryo implanting into an already pregnant woman! They test and control hormone levels constantly. If she had already had implantation it would show in the tests and they would not have done the transfer.

 

She would have had to sleep with the other man within... 12 hours or so of the embryo transfer. That is a narrow window and kind of silly to even suggest.

 

99.99999% chance that OP's baby is fathered by the sperm donor to the IVF procedure. It's beside the point anyway.

 

She never clarified any timing of her pregnancy and conception for doing the IVF - so it's not ridiculous to ask for clarification - anything is possible.

 

Assumptions are what's ridiculous.

 

DNA test the child for surety.

[HCEC]

I know I don’t deserve people to be nice to me but STOP questioning if the baby is his.

 

I cheated In June and got pregnant in September, like I said through IVF

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps I missed it somewhere - but is your affair partner still in your life in any capacity? Does he still have your number, does he live in your area, are you connected though social media, do you have any mutual friends?

 

One of my oldest friends was recently outed for having cheated on her husband, a few years ago (I had no idea she'd cheated either) The "other man" is the one who let the cat out of the bag, to a couple friends after a night of drinking. Word got back to her husband, even though he and the Other Man don't know each other. Six degrees of separation, if you will. My friend fully admits she foolishly never thought her husband would find out and is shocked that it came to light. The marriage is now currently imploding.

 

It is better that your fiance hears it from you, rather than someone else. If you think there is zero possibility of this, you are mistaken.

Edited November 16, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[HCEC]

We have mutual friends but he won’t ever say anything as is now married to the girl he was engaged to when he slept With me

 

We are about to relocate so we would never see any of the mutual friends again unless I arranged it

 

I haven’t spoken to him since

[HCEC]

Also our relationship is based on love.

 

I love him, he loves me and we love OUR baby

Edited November 16, 2017 by HCEC

[ExpatInItaly]

We have mutual friends but he won’t ever say anything as is now married to the girl he was engaged to when he slept With me

 

We are about to relocate so we would never see any of the mutual friends again unless I arranged it

 

I haven’t spoken to him since

 

My friend's other man was and is still married too. Don't make the naive assumption that this safeguards your secret. Take a cruise on the Infidelity forums to see similar stories of affairs being revealed anyway. This is far more probable given your mutual friends, regardless of whether or not you see them again. One doesn't need to be in the same vicinity to make this discovery.

 

In any case, if you decide to hide this, at least do so with the knowledge that he one day might learn about it from someone else. Only you can choose whether that's a risk you are willing to take.

[HCEC]

The mutaual friends are mine not my partners which may stop that chance

[GoldenR]

Also our relationship is based on love.

 

I love him, he loves me and we love OUR baby

 

You're relationship is based on a lie. You never gave him a chance to decide if he wants to be with you after you betrayed him in the worst way possible. And then you took it a step further and had a baby with him in order to trap him.

 

Sorry....none of what you've done is love.

[HCEC]

I'm going to tell him either tonight

[GoldenR]

I'm going to tell him either tonight

 

That's progress.

 

But be prepared:

 

- Give him a list of all passwords to all social media accounts, email accounts and to your cell phone if it has a password. Allow him to take it from you and check it whenever he wants to.

 

- Send an NC letter to the OM. You said he still hangs out in the same social circle as you, so he needs the letter.

 

- All of the social circle that hangs with him, you'll need to cut them out of your life. There can be no chance of seeing the OM ever again.

 

- The OM's wife needs to be told. Have a plan to do so. But allow your H to do it if he so desires.

 

- Get an STD test. The issue of protection has not been brought up, but cheaters never use it. And since you couldn't get pregnant, I'm sure you rationalized that you didn't need protection.

 

- Schedule IC for yourself.

 

All of these things will work towards establishing a tiny bit of trust from your H, and it will show him that you want to do the work in order to R.

 

And lastly, keep coming back here. You'll get the best help there is. Weed thru the bad, take the good.

[fixerupper]

If you can live with the guilt for the rest of your life, keep it a secret. Looks like you can't. So tell him and hope for the best.

[road]

This is ridiculous. They are not going to waste an embryo implanting into an already pregnant woman! They test and control hormone levels constantly. If she had already had implantation it would show in the tests and they would not have done the transfer.

 

She would have had to sleep with the other man within... 12 hours or so of the embryo transfer. That is a narrow window and kind of silly to even suggest.

 

99.99999% chance that OP's baby is fathered by the sperm donor to the IVF procedure. It's beside the point anyway.

 

Notice: the odds are not 100 percent.

[BMI03]

Also our relationship is based on love.

 

I love him, he loves me and we love OUR baby

 

This statement here is what your goal should be to be able to say honestly a year from now. Right now you can't say it. You love him, yes, and I am sure you both love your baby. But he doesn't know the reality of what you are to him, and so while he may love who he thinks you are, it's a farce. He loves an idea of you that isn't true. Telling him is the only way you will be able to hear the words that he loves you, and truly feel loved because you know he says it despite your faults. Anything less and you are choosing to live a lie.

 

And thinking you control the levers to his finding out is naive. A true ONS with someone you don't know may have some chance (even then...these things come out), but you said this guy was in love with you. That is more than enough reason to believe he could have an inner desire to show people that he had a chance with you are blurt it out some day he is drunk, or fighting with wife, or being pushed by someone, etc. etc. etc. You have no idea what life brings.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Also our relationship is based on love.

 

 

And deceit.

 

I don't know whether you should tell him or not, but it sounds like you came here wanting to hear that you should not tell him. I'm surprised you are going to, but I believe it's the most noble decision. I sincerely hope he forgives you so that you can provide a loving and stable home for your baby. By the way, congrats hard-fought-for pregnancy <3.

[Space Ritual]

Also our relationship is based on love.

 

I love him, he loves me and we love OUR baby

 

 

WRONG!

 

You have robbed your BF of any choice in the matter by continuing to lie. And you re lying by omission.

 

That is not love, that's trying to control the outcome to serve your own purposes.

 

So we know pretty much regardless of what anyone says, nice or not, that you are going to just keep your trap shut until it all comes out.

 

He will notice the change in you if he already hasn't. He may chalk it up to pregnancy at first, but that will only last so long. If you don;t say something, somebody else will because someone else ALWAYS finds out.

 

 

You are fast approaching a Rubicon that you cannot cone back from once you cross it.

 

i feel very sorry for your BF. For you? Not so much. You continue to fuel the fire you have lit.