Horrible mistake

[HCEC]

Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

 

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

 

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view

[BluesPower]

Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

 

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

 

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view

 

Yes that is common... They all drink the same Kool-Aid at counseling school.

 

This "the past is the past" counseling method came about several years ago. Many male counselor have gotten punched in the mouth for saying that stuff. If mine had been a male the first time I heard this, I would have punched him, but it was a female, so I could not hit her.

 

People who know nothing about counseling believe this crap and they end up seeing their clients divorce, because they don't know how to help them actually process the infidelity.

 

So yeah, when you hear that, start looking for another counselor because that one is a moron.

 

I would actually like for any licensed counselors to come on LS and explain this drivel to us.

 

Dollars to donuts, not one of the even has to courage to talk to a group of people like LS. I does take a moron to go through collage and believe the foolishness that they teach.

 

Are their any brave counselors out there that are willing to make the case for this type of therapy?

[frigginlost]

Yes that is common... They all drink the same Kool-Aid at counseling school.

 

This "the past is the past" counseling method came about several years ago. Many male counselor have gotten punched in the mouth for saying that stuff. If mine had been a male the first time I heard this, I would have punched him, but it was a female, so I could not hit her.

 

People who know nothing about counseling believe this crap and they end up seeing their clients divorce, because they don't know how to help them actually process the infidelity.

 

So yeah, when you hear that, start looking for another counselor because that one is a moron.

 

I would actually like for any licensed counselors to come on LS and explain this drivel to us.

 

Dollars to donuts, not one of the even has to courage to talk to a group of people like LS. I does take a moron to go through collage and believe the foolishness that they teach.

 

Are their any brave counselors out there that are willing to make the case for this type of therapy?

 

 

Currently sitting 10 feet from a licensed counselor (she's a family member).

 

Her words:

 

"A house built on a cracked foundation, rarely survives the storms it faces".

 

That about wraps it up.

 

OP, Tell your guy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

 

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

 

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view

 

This doesn't really surprise me. I've heard from countless people that by and large therapists are not very skilled in dealing with infidelity.

[BluesPower]

Currently sitting 10 feet from a licensed counselor (she's a family member).

 

Her words:

 

"A house built on a cracked foundation, rarely survives the storms it faces".

 

That about wraps it up.

 

OP, Tell your guy.

 

Well she should advertise that she is a genius... and that she is able to help with infidelity.

 

But seriously, why do so many counselors subscribe to that like of thinking that we see all the time? Can she answer that?

[TheWoman]

The majority of people commenting here are Betrayed Spouses (that is what they call themselves). The most angry with you and virulent about how important your immediate confession is, are the ones who were most hurt by whoever and whatever happened in THEIR lives. They have their own agenda, it has nothing to do with you, your situation, your relationship and your baby.

 

Professionals who have actually met you, are telling you to put your health and child first, for now. Please listen to them.

[BMI03]

That's progress.

 

But be prepared:

 

- Give him a list of all passwords to all social media accounts, email accounts and to your cell phone if it has a password. Allow him to take it from you and check it whenever he wants to.

 

- Send an NC letter to the OM. You said he still hangs out in the same social circle as you, so he needs the letter.

 

- All of the social circle that hangs with him, you'll need to cut them out of your life. There can be no chance of seeing the OM ever again.

 

- The OM's wife needs to be told. Have a plan to do so. But allow your H to do it if he so desires.

 

- Get an STD test. The issue of protection has not been brought up, but cheaters never use it. And since you couldn't get pregnant, I'm sure you rationalized that you didn't need protection.

 

- Schedule IC for yourself.

 

All of these things will work towards establishing a tiny bit of trust from your H, and it will show him that you want to do the work in order to R.

 

And lastly, keep coming back here. You'll get the best help there is. Weed thru the bad, take the good.

 

Since you have chosen to tell him, great decision. You are doing right by him, and though it may not feel like it now, the right thing for you too in the long term.

 

Now that you know that's your direction, the above is super important. You have to be prepared for his inability to trust you. You have to be able to endure the constant need to justify your other actions you know may be innocent when he tests those too with questions and doubt.

 

Think about it...you are admitting to him that you lied and cheated. So his idea of you always being truthful to him is going to fall apart. Everything he has heard you tell him will become in question. Don't make him feel wrong to question other things. Don't be defensive of what you know on your end were truths even if he challenges them. He will take that as more indication of lies. Instead, tell him that you fully understand that knowing this may make him question other things, and that those are fair questions and that you will answer them now, and as they come up into his mind going forward. But also tell him that it's because of your understanding that this betrayal will put your truthfulness to the test that you wanted to come out clean now with the complete and unfiltered truth...so that you could start regaining his trust from the ground up. That is why telling him is so important. It means you get to start the rebuilding of trust with a bit of truth capital in the bank having told him something important that he wouldn't otherwise have known. That will give some starting assurance that allowing himself to trust you again is a real possibility.

 

That is a starting point that is LOADS better than the day years from now that he eventually finds out. In that situation he would have no reason at all to believe a word you said. He would question everything in the same manner, but your answers would be hard to believe because he will have not have saw action to be truthful on your part at all. The hill will be tremendously higher for you.

 

This is why I say the action damaging and causing hurt is past tense...now it is just about riding out the consequences of those actions. That's why we are here to try and set you up for success best you can. It's not going to be easy and it may mean he decides to leave. But if you love him like you say, that's a choice you should be willing to allow him. To not do so is being controlling. Manipulating an outcome to your own personal advantage to avoid consequences of your actions, instead of doing what is fair for someone else.

 

One note on the above points from GoldenR...write the NC letter with your fiance together. Don't go off and do that on your own. This isn't a time for any sort of explanation or closure to your OM. This isn't about giving the OM context as to why you can't speak so that he understands and doesn't wonder where you went. This is completely about your fiance and making HIM feel safe and no one else no matter what their perception. The reason I say to include your fiance is because that NS communication could also be seen as yet another betrayal without his involvement. Once you let your fiance know, it's about letting him be in control of the outcome and doing everything he needs to feel safe again.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes. We are here to help each step of the way.

[DKT3]

The majority of people commenting here are Betrayed Spouses (that is what they call themselves). The most angry with you and virulent about how important your immediate confession is, are the ones who were most hurt by whoever and whatever happened in THEIR lives. They have their own agenda, it has nothing to do with you, your situation, your relationship and your baby.

 

Professionals who have actually met you, are telling you to put your health and child first, for now. Please listen to them.

 

Easy to say when valid points can't really be discounted.

 

I don't know OP, and not to sound harsh I don't really care which direction she goes with this.

 

What I can say from experience and knowledge I've gained along the way is, love is an action, it's easy to say you love someone harder to show it through actions. OP's actions don't match her words. That has nothing to do with the posters here being betrayed spouses.

 

Here is the thing, the comments and advise tends to be a mixture of personal experience, understanding what did and didn't work, what they wished could have or didn't happen.

 

Yet, common sense says you can't build a happy well balanced healthy relationship on lies. Any therapist that suggests otherwise is a bad one. A good one understands that Keeping this a secret will only create bigger issues.

[frigginlost]

The majority of people commenting here are Betrayed Spouses (that is what they call themselves). The most angry with you and virulent about how important your immediate confession is, are the ones who were most hurt by whoever and whatever happened in THEIR lives. They have their own agenda, it has nothing to do with you, your situation, your relationship and your baby.

 

Professionals who have actually met you, are telling you to put your health and child first, for now. Please listen to them.

 

Absolute horsesh*t.

 

The majority of people that are commenting are doing so because they have been through the reality of what has taken place and have done so under no illusion that lying is the way to go.

 

When folks post with the "what they don't know won't hurt them attitude" it stokes the same "selfish me first" attitude fires that they had to live through.

 

Counselors who use the "look after yourself right now" do absolutely nothing but enable the guilty to gloss over what took place which in turn gives them a feeling of satisfaction.

 

In the brief written words of what the OP has said, she has a lot going for her in her significant other staying. The guy is nowhere in sight, and she has not talked to him. Those two factors alone are huge!

 

As someone that was cheated on, I would be willing to listen. If my ex had come to me after we married and two years down the line told me, my opinion of her would be utter garbage. To be able to swallow that guilt for that long goes along way in showing me that lying comes easy...

[TheWoman]

Post natal depression is dangerous. People have done terrible things under its influence. Advising OP to take care of it and herself first, before unleashing a whole world more of stress and pain, is sensible and careful. There is no possible healing for anyone anyway until that is resolved. I have not met her and neither have you, but other professionals have - I would not be comfortable undermining that.

[frigginlost]

Well she should advertise that she is a genius... and that she is able to help with infidelity.

 

But seriously, why do so many counselors subscribe to that like of thinking that we see all the time? Can she answer that?

 

Her words:

 

"Because the person feels a sort of satisfaction that since they got it off their chest with them, a bond is formed. Which in turn brings them back. Rarely do people return when they hear things they do not want to hear. Which is Ironic as they usually come back around after the relationship has failed...".

 

Interesting stuff.

[frigginlost]

Post natal depression is dangerous. People have done terrible things under its influence. Advising OP to take care of it and herself first, before unleashing a whole world more of stress and pain, is sensible and careful. There is no possible healing for anyone anyway until that is resolved. I have not met her and neither have you, but other professionals have - I would not be comfortable undermining that.

 

I agree to an extent. Nobody is telling her to undermine anything (I'm certainly not). What I am saying is that burying what happened is only going to cause more problems. Big ones. The fact that she is here goes to show that she is having a hard time. She does get some sympathy from me as she has done the right thing in removing the contact with the other guy. Very, very good of her.

 

If I were her, my questions to a counselor would be "I want to fix this, how can I".

 

Please don't think that the roughness or the real talk is sinister. It really is not. It is the reality being put forth without trying to gloss things over.

 

The OP has a lot going for her and I'm willing to bet that she is a good person. In the end no matter how it is put to her, we all want her relationship to succeed.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just playing devil's advocate here, but there was a recent male poster who shared his story of his life/marriage. He was still angry/broken up/resentful after MANY years of marriage because his wife had admitted to prior infidelity. Am I remembering this right? Anyone else know what thread I am talking about? This poster's point was that he really wished his wife had never told him because it ruined his life.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yeah it was Rog..Hope I didn't offend. But yeah, older gentleman with a old hippie wife from the sixties. Her excuse was that sex is like a handshake. I think the disconnect is different than here though. If my wife gave me another guys kid, and said well, the sex is just a handshake...I wouldn't have waited 30 years to boot her.lol

 

"Oh, but I love you and was honest about everything else..." Can only go so far.

[ARAMCOMAN]

You keep repeating that you love your BF very much. However when you feel you weren’t being supported enough you go and have sex with another man and then call it a mistake after you realize how your CHOICES may have devestating consequences with regards to you relashionship with your BF. You need to tell him so that he can make his CHOICE as to whether or not he will continue with you.

[road]

Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

 

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

 

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view

 

Back in the old days it was the party line to never confess.

 

Though what has been discovered is that the truth all to often

has a way to come out. Now with the computer age, the true

tends to get discovered more.

 

What has also been discovered is that when the WW confesses

the chances of staying married are higher then when the BH

finds out even years after the PA was over.

 

Then the addictive nature of affairs is what causes many affairs

to restart, even after many years. With the BH left in the dark

the BH does not know to look out for their WS cheating again.

 

It has also been shown that when a WW does not have to face

the consequences of being caught having an affair they are

more likely to have another affair again in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, your fiance loves the relationship he believes you two have, and the person he believes you are.

 

The problem is that his perceptions do not line up with the truth.

[lolablue17]

You are totally focused on your cheating as the "single big mistake you made". But I think that you made a much bigger mistake. This is when you start talking about getting back together, before your last IVF that brought your child.

 

One night stand while being drunk is something that can be forgiven. But taking a decision to get back to him, to have an IVF treatment with him, and to have his child, all these when you're still lying and hiding the cheating... Well, this is no "one mistake". This is more like a character trait than a mistake.

 

I strongly believe that this kind of character is expressed in other parts of the relationship. You probably turn to omit other things that are uncomfortable to confront, you probably shape and fix the reality here and there, in order to avoid conflicts that aren't for your best interest at certain moments.

 

So, if that is what your fiance loves, I wouldn't tell him. If you didn't tell him the truth when you should have, telling him now is not even close to "doing the right thing". Telling him now might ruin his life.

 

I have a better offer for you - Don't tell him, but always!! Always try to remember what you did, and be nicer to him when hard times come. Be a better wife, love him more, and forgive him for mistakes he will make in the future. So, in this equation he doesn't get the perfect honesty, but he gets a better wife that can forgive and to treat him better in the future. This is a much better deal for him than the deal of "telling him now for clearing your guilt".

 

Don't tell him!!!

Edited November 16, 2017 by lolablue17

[BarbedFenceRider]

This is ridiculous. They are not going to waste an embryo implanting into an already pregnant woman! They test and control hormone levels constantly. If she had already had implantation it would show in the tests and they would not have done the transfer.

 

She would have had to sleep with the other man within... 12 hours or so of the embryo transfer. That is a narrow window and kind of silly to even suggest.

 

99.99999% chance that OP's baby is fathered by the sperm donor to the IVF procedure. It's beside the point anyway.

 

Nope, she already said an IVF procedure failed and she went and got drunk, then did the deed...

 

https://www.kindara.com/blog/how-many-days-can-sperm-live-in-a-womans-body

[GoldenR]

Not telling him = no repercussions.

 

No repercussions = likely to cheat again, bc hey, why not,nobody got hurt by it the last time.

[Cullenbohannon]

You do not have to tell him. But the trade off is that you should not marry him. Maybe it is best to do as some would suggest...Live with your guilt...but as a single mother.

 

Anyone that suggest that you carry the deceit in to marriage, is truly heartless or paid to make you feel good.

 

I do not think you can do that.. I think you do love this man and do wish to marry. You know what you must do and that is why you post. Prepare yourself and do what you must do. Do the research on how to survive a affair, not how to lie about the affair. Work this out BEFORE marriage.

 

FWIW, I will marry next year.

Edited November 17, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[S2B]

Plain and simple - if you don't plan to get honest then don't plan to marry him.

[usa1ah]

This will be a long post, apologies in advance

 

A couple of years ago I was going through IvF with my partner and it failed. I was depressed, our relationship wasn’t fun and all I did was think about not being able to have children. Sex stopped unless it was timed to try and get pregnant.

 

I started talking to a friend who I knew loved me but I felt nothing for. Before I knew it we were flirting over text etc. He kept asking me to meet which we did but nothing happened.

 

I had a cycle of IVF that failed and felt very unsupported by my partner. So I got very drunk and slept with the other guy.

 

I broke things off with my partner but never told him. We worked through our communication problems, got back together and now are engaged with a 6 month old baby

 

I am very sleep deprived and maybe postnatally depressed but all I can think of is the guilt from my one night mistake

 

If I tell my partner it would shatter his happiness. He is completely the man I want to be with.

 

Will my guilt ease in time? I think it is so strong at the moment because I don’t have much else to think about. It makes me cry daily and I spend hours googling should I tell me partner

 

I have being given anti depressants by my doctor as suffered anxiety about my baby’s health before this guilt surfaced. Is it just linked to my depression?

 

What should I do?

 

Do the right thing.

 

How hard is this really. “His the guy of my dreams” “I love him so much”. But all I have to do is get drunk and I sleep with another guy.

 

Having poor communication skills is not going to cause you to sleep with someone else.

 

Having an down and out fight won’t cause you to sleep with someone else.

 

Your lack of caring for and not loving the poor guy your are with will.

 

Tell the truth and give him a real chance at happiness in the future. Your guilt will eat you up. If he finds out on his own, it’s over and done.

 

Yes the stress will effect the baby and it is not healthy for you being pregnant.

[usa1ah]

I suggest you go talk to a therapist FIRST that specializes in prenatal depression/ relationships.

 

Then when you have your emotions settled and are of more clearer thinking, then decide if you want to tell him or not.

 

It's not a crime to not tell him or not tell him at this time, because it is your life, your conscience you are dealing with and it's no one elses business to tell you otherwise.

 

Sometimes telling the truth is worse than just forgetting it ever happened and moving on from it.

 

If you do tell him, the both of you seek out couples counseling...I feel it's not worth tossing all of what you have away over this one time indiscretion.

 

I believe this is the first time I have totally disagreed with one of your post. Deceit is always the best way to start a family.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Nope, she already said an IVF procedure failed and she went and got drunk, then did the deed...

 

https://www.kindara.com/blog/how-many-days-can-sperm-live-in-a-womans-body

 

Please, let's put the baby daddy issue to rest! Anybody who has brain cells knows that if she cheated in June and did IVF in September, the affair partner is not the daddy. Let's move on.