thefooloftheyear Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 We do not actually know his motives, and I get the desire not to be "shopped", but guys who are toxic/abusers, will push the boundaries to see what a woman will put up with, and love-bombing is not uncommon with those guys either, they will be exactly who you want them to be... As Cookies says something is decidedly "off" about this guy. OK....You guys win....we are all jagoffs... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 We do not actually know his motives, and I get the desire not to be "shopped", but guys who are toxic/abusers, will push the boundaries to see what a woman will put up with, and love-bombing is not uncommon with those guys either, they will be exactly who you want them to be... As Cookies says something is decidedly "off" about this guy. So, you think he is abusive? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 So, you think he is abusive? I have no idea if he is or not, but he hardly knows you and he is making a snide comment about you screwing other guys (I do not buy the "joke"), it just doesn't sound particularly gentlemanly to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 You were right. He said it was a joke and apologized. Sorry if I missed this somewhere in the thread, but did you meet this guy online or on an app? Reason I ask is because if you did, he may have some past history with meeting women online and then having an issue with them not being able to stay off it and always looking for better. That could be where his insecurity is coming from and wanting to be exclusive pretty early on. It could just be that he found someone (you) that he really feels a connection with, there is a lot to like and doesn't want any outside interference while you two see where it might go. I think his joke also has to do with some past history. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 A good rule for dating is: If you think you've found a good thing, grab it with both hands. If you find out you made a mistake, then release it and start over. Being a girlfriend is hardly a long term commitment. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I do not get the 'insecure, shy guy' vibe these other people are talking about at all. Just date him and get to know him slowly. See where it goes. Keep us updated! Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 How long is he going to be out of town? Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 So, we were suppose to get together yesterday but it didn't happen. He left in the morning for work and will be gone for a bit. So, we never got to have the "exclusive" talk. When he was at the airport, he mentioned some chicks were calling him "baby" and I joked did you tell them only I can call you that. He said he did and a female asked, "Then why isn't she here" I laughed it off. But damn, did he do this to let me know how wanted he is? At the lounge yesterday, one of the security guards/bouncers asked for my number. I bet if I told him, wonder what his reaction would be,lol. I am not the jealous type so I am gonna roll it off. I do like him.. But since we didn't have the talk, I feel I shouldn't put all my eggs in a basket just yet. I will wait for him to call me and see if it comes up. But I can say I don't think he is after sex soley. Since I was out, I was drinking and was in a sensual mood. I basically told him I wanted him aka sex and he didn't take the bait. Not, that it was a bait but most guys if you are sending sexual innuendos, would try to see how far it goes. I even sent him a sexy pic (not a nude) and he didn't get sexual. He said it was a sexy pic but he didn't try to push for more pics or get dirty. So, it seems he likes me for more than my physical? This seems like manipulation to me. I have made myself exclusive w/guys early on, but I have never used that tactic and neither have they. I don't like being manipulated into anything. When dating the guy before my bf, he pretty much pushed me into a relationship, it felt forced and I stupidly went w/it. When I met my bf, I did see a couple guys for 1st dates (no sex) afterwards, but I never told him. We pretty much determined we weren't seeing any other people after the 2nd or 3rd date, then I told him we can be exclusive after he asked and I thought about it. Go at your pace and if he pushes, he is hiding something and making it hard for you refuse knowing you could lose him to another woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I think you lost his trust with your ambivalence early on.., really.... Yes, I agree with this. You lost his trust and he thinks you're just dating around. In the past he's probably been given the "but we weren't exclusive, I had every right to sleep with that entire football team" line which so many multi-daters on here would probably agree with. He doesn't want to be one of many, he doesn't want to play the "pick me" game. And I don't blame him at all. Like TFY, I would also have bailed by now. But he's not handling it particularly well. Rather than just saying "I don't want to date someone who is dating others, goodbye" like myself or TFY would say, he is making comments which are coming across as nasty and mean. He's trying to guilt you into being exclusive, since trying to discuss it normally didn't work (you wouldn't give him a straight answer when he brought it up). I mean sorry but I cant agree to something I am not sure of. Does he want a girlfriend or exclusive dating? If he said girlfriend, I would say I wanna wait a little longer. If he said exclusive dating, I would say sure. But he did say exclusive dating and you didn't say sure. You dodged the question and changed the subject. Now you're getting too tangled up in labels. What is the difference exactly? What does it matter whether you have the "girlfriend" label or not? It's not like it's marriage or anything. You can easily stop being his girlfriend at a moment's notice. Look this whole thing is a basic incompatibility when one person is a multi-dater, but the other isn't. When that happens it always causes problems. There's really either 2 options: (1) you don't date anyone else while you decide if you want this guy or not, or (2) he accepts that you will be dating others. It seems he's not happy with (2). So you have a choice, you can either do (1) or you can move on. I don't see any other options here. And you better decide quick, else he will decide for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 You're this early in and he's already manipulating/guilt tripping/belittling and attempting the jealousy card. Both will be 'jokes' of course. Doesn't sound like a good guy to me - possibly an insecure self labelled 'nice guy' but not a good guy. Abusive? Potentially. It takes more than one sign to know if he is/will be though. Lack of responsibility for the not so great things in his life is one of the first signs. I'm not at all sure I would be sticking around to find out though. Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 It's interesting. Earlier on Cookies touched on the idea that dating and multi-dating for that matter don't imply sex, or even kissing. If having a talk about exclusivity (not de facto exclusivity that is never articulated) is not a push for rapid sex without knowing each other all that well, why is there the assumption that being open to seeing others is about screwing anyone who happens to pass by at an opportune moment? Hmm OP, that comment about screwing other guys clearly demonstrates that this guy is clueless about who you actually are and the values you hold. It's doubly silly because if you were the sort he seems to obsessively fear, you could easily tell him whatever he wants to hear and do what you like behind his back. Happens every day and twice on Sundays. I wanted to know how long he'd be out of town. Also would like to know why you two didn't see each other as planned before he left. Well, not so much why, but reasons given--which might be two different things entirely. I've heard that there are four sets of expectations in any relationship: those you have for each other and those you have for yourselves. The, "hurry, limited time offer!" approach is only valid if your expectations don't matter at all. What's the big deal if it's such a meaningless designation that is easily revoked? Perhaps you don't see it that way. How much does your point of view matter? Don't get sucked into the revolving d*cks talk with him. It's a smokescreen, I promise. Have a clear understanding of your needs, hopes, and desires. While I may be plain spoken and to the point here I am not suggesting that you interact with him in a brisk, businesslike manner. Far from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted December 20, 2017 Author Share Posted December 20, 2017 A little update: So, I went to stay with him for a few days out of state and it surprisingly went really well. It wasn't awkward for either of us. He is also very goofy and playful like me, so we spent a lot of time joking around. But we also talked about our upbringing some more, future goals, past experiences,etc. I checked his Facebook and certain things he told me checked out. Also, no girls on his FB, just him, his friends and mainly his family. He refers to me as his "Boo or Bae" but we didn't explicitly make it official. He is coming by at the end of the week. He is out of state on work assignment and he asked me what I wanted for Christmas but I didn't answer. The part where we stayed is a family oriented neighborhood, very quiet and not much to do there. He said he could live there if he had a wife and kids. He mentioned he got an offer to relocate there for an additional 10 K but he DK if he is gonna take it. I asked him could he live here by himself, because he would be bored and he said "Not really..." but then mentioned if I lived here, he wouldn't be bored. He also said he is flying in to see his family back in Nigeria and invited me to come, which I declined since we have only been dating for like 2 months. To me kinda sounds crazy but I had other Nigerian men pursue me and they are aggressive. All of them are older than me too,lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted December 22, 2017 Author Share Posted December 22, 2017 I do not get the 'insecure, shy guy' vibe these other people are talking about at all. Just date him and get to know him slowly. See where it goes. Keep us updated! I updated, lol... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted December 27, 2017 Author Share Posted December 27, 2017 I have no idea if he is or not, but he hardly knows you and he is making a snide comment about you screwing other guys (I do not buy the "joke"), it just doesn't sound particularly gentlemanly to me. You're this early in and he's already manipulating/guilt tripping/belittling and attempting the jealousy card. Both will be 'jokes' of course. Doesn't sound like a good guy to me - possibly an insecure self labelled 'nice guy' but not a good guy. Abusive? Potentially. It takes more than one sign to know if he is/will be though. Lack of responsibility for the not so great things in his life is one of the first signs. I'm not at all sure I would be sticking around to find out though. You ladies were right! He is a douchebag. Since he allegedly left for Nigeria. He hasn't maintained contact with me. I actually met him on Match. Something told me to go back on there and search if his profile was up. So, I put his general description from where I live and found nothing. So, while I visited him in FL. I stayed with him in Melbourne. On the day he dropped me off to airport, he moved his stuff to another Apartment in Orlando. So, I put his general description in Orlando and found his profile. He said he's new to the area. He even mentioned Kevin Heart is suppose to come in on December 31st when he is supposedly suppose to be in Nigeria. So, this is a new dating profile. I was mad and called him and the call went straight to VM. I tried using someone else's phone and it went to VM too. So, I reactivated my dating profile and in a classy way told him to lose my number, get rid of my selfie pics. And told him, if he didn't want anything serious, he should have been man enough to say so. And it's not my loss. He didn't reply and I don't expect him too. I am just disgusted because this was all a game to him. I even checked his FB and he didn't even update he was in Nigeria or post any pics. It's like all this BS? Pushing for us to be exclusive. Talking about kids and marriage and all this ****. It's like you're 35 years old and still acting like a F-boi? I think him asking me to go to Nigeria with him was a farce and he knew I wasn't going to go, but used that as an excuse to ghost on me. I am seriously done with dating for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 So, I have been dating this guy for 3 weeks, in which we had 3 dates. On the 3rd date, he mentioned he likes me and wants me to be his girl. I didn't take him seriously and he mentioned it again. He is 35 so he is a bit older than me, which is not an issue, but I would think at his age he isn't trying to play games. I do like him and our dates have been going well. But I question if he is being for real because I feel it's kinda quick. So, it makes me wonder if he is saying that he wants me to be his girl based on me being "pretty" or just wants intimacy. One of my male friends said, "Well, Joanne, you are beautiful" as reasoning why he wants to claim me so quickly,lol. We have a 4th date coming up and we haven't had sex yet, which is fine by me. I am dating other guys too but so far, he is the one I like the best. I guess I am asking if this is normal to be exclusive after 3 weeks? Also, how should I address it with him? I don't want to be exclusive until I know him a little more. I personally don't think it's too early, but everyone is different. If you think it's too early, then don't. Tell him what you said here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted December 27, 2017 Author Share Posted December 27, 2017 I personally don't think it's too early, but everyone is different. If you think it's too early, then don't. Tell him what you said here. I have since updated the thread. It’s over. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 I have since updated the thread. It’s over. I'm sorry *hugs* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted December 27, 2017 Author Share Posted December 27, 2017 I'm sorry *hugs* Thanks hun, I am sure by next month, I will get over it. It's not my loss. I guess when I date again, I will have to just go way older like 40-50. Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 Thanks hun, I am sure by next month, I will get over it. It's not my loss. I guess when I date again, I will have to just go way older like 40-50. I thought you dated someone in that range who was full of games. Older isn't gonna save you headaches. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted December 27, 2017 Author Share Posted December 27, 2017 I thought you dated someone in that range who was full of games. Older isn't gonna save you headaches. You’re right. It’s best I just stay single. Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 You’re right. It’s best I just stay single. I didn't say all that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted December 28, 2017 Author Share Posted December 28, 2017 I didn't say all that. Lol. I’m serious, seems there is no decent guy around. So F it. I’ll just become a cat lady. Link to post Share on other sites
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