JustGettingBy Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 As someone who used to over analyze everything, I've found much more success when I don't think to hard. You gut instinct is smarter than you think. If you want to, go ahead. If its too early for you, don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 (edited) So, we talked on the phone. He told me this previously but he is gonna be out of town for a little bit dude to work training. He asked me before what's gonna heppened between us but I didn't answer. So, today on the phone I asked him what he meant and he said if I will be seeing other men. I am like do you not plan on staying in touch while you're away and he said he wants to. I asked him, "Are you asking you for us to be exclusive?" And he said, "Yeah but..." I told him I like him and I find him attractive. He sounded uncertain, it seemed like he was concerned if I was gonna date another guy and what if I like him. And I guess if that's the case, he probably wouldn't see the point in dating me anymore,lol? I asked him if he was gonna date someone while he is away and he insinuated he wouldn't. Anyway, we agreed to talk about it later in person. The fact he mentioned exclusivity again makes me thinks he must be serious and not trying to get in my pants, so I think I'm gonna drop the other dude then, and give this a shot. I still don't think you understand.... He may not even be serious, yet. Who knows what his long term plan is? Many(most?) people just don't want to be dating someone that's juggling other people,,,...... All he is trying to say to you is that he senses you like him, so give it a chance without the other options....Its giving him reason to doubt you.. He should have been more direct with you, but is probably worried you will think he's too controlling... He's a "one at a time person" and wants the same in return...You don't sound like you are reassuring to him...I said it earlier in the thread...I wouldn't have been as wishy washy as he is....if I found out you were shopping me. then.... buh-bye,,, And he'll probably do the same, just at a more measured pace.. You have your right to do whatever you think is best for you, but if you like him and don't want him to disappear, you should be careful how you play this.... TFY Edited November 8, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 If you are dating other guys, yes.....you absolutely are shopping them... I like Honeycrisp apples, so when I go to the market, I buy only them...I don't get the Macintosh and Golden Delicious and put them in the cart, just in case the Honeycrisps are no good.. Additionally, If you have been on 3 dates with the guy, then I feel you at least owe him the honesty of telling him you are with others...Why be so elusive? TFY Great analogy, but I'm mostly commenting to also express my love for honeycrisp apples. One of the best things about fall! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Just a hypothetical, but only one man's opinion.... I say do whatever you want, but I wouldn't participate in an arrangement where a woman is "shopping" me against other guys, and I have to wait around and hope I am the one she decides to pick....I wouldn't make any demands, I'd just be out of that deal on the spot... .02 TFY how would you know though? and no I don't think it's too soon...many people are from date 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 (edited) If you are dating other guys, yes.....you absolutely are shopping them... I like Honeycrisp apples, so when I go to the market, I buy only them...I don't get the Macintosh and Golden Delicious and put them in the cart, just in case the Honeycrisps are no good.. Additionally, If you have been on 3 dates with the guy, then I feel you at least owe him the honesty of telling him you are with others...Why be so elusive? TFY So a woman is supposed to know you are her Honeycrisp apples from date 1? What if she needs time to get to know you better to decide? She should refuse dates with other guys who may be a better match for her? Edited November 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 (edited) I still don't think you understand.... He may not even be serious, yet. Who knows what his long term plan is? Many(most?) people just don't want to be dating someone that's juggling other people,,,...... All he is trying to say to you is that he senses you like him, so give it a chance without the other options....Its giving him reason to doubt you.. He should have been more direct with you, but is probably worried you will think he's too controlling... He's a "one at a time person" and wants the same in return...You don't sound like you are reassuring to him...I said it earlier in the thread...I wouldn't have been as wishy washy as he is....if I found out you were shopping me. then.... buh-bye,,, And he'll probably do the same, just at a more measured pace.. You have your right to do whatever you think is best for you, but if you like him and don't want him to disappear, you should be careful how you play this.... TFY So, what are you suggesting I do? Over the phone, I said I liked him and insinuated I would be willing to be exclusive but it didn’t sound like he believed me completely. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m very attractive and a little younger, he feels I’m gonna explore options? I mean I don’t know what else the reason could be. We are going to see each other later in the week, so hopefully we get more clarification. When I mean serious, I mean he’s trying to possibly be in a relationship as opposed to something only sexual. If it was the latter, I would think he wouldn’t really care about being exclusive. Edited November 8, 2017 by BlueIvy Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 (edited) Over the phone, I said I liked him and insinuated I would be willing to be exclusive but it didn’t sound like he believed me completely. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m very attractive and a little younger, he feels I’m gonna explore options? I mean I don’t know what else the reason could be. Maybe because you didn't say "OK let's be exclusive". You said you might be willing to be exclusive at some point in the future when the stars align etc etc... very wishy washy, sounded like you were making excuses. He didn't believe you because you didn't even say it straight. So a woman is supposed to know you are her Honeycrisp apples from date 1? No but it doesn't hurt to try apples 1 at a time does it? Otherwise you never know what the Honeycrisp tastes like, because you have bits of Pink Lady, Royal Gala and Granny Smith in your teeth. Edited November 8, 2017 by PegNosePete 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 I see accepting exclusivity without commitment as hustling backwards if you're a woman. What do you see yourself as standing to gain from such an arrangement, OP? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 When I mean serious, I mean he’s trying to possibly be in a relationship as opposed to something only sexual. If it was the latter, I would think he wouldn’t really care about being exclusive. Many guys who themselves are out playing the field want the woman to be exclusive only to them. It is not an uncommon situation. He sees and sleep with whoever he wants, she has to be true to him. Many men do not want to be sleeping with "easy" women who are giving sex to other guys. He wants to be the only man in her world. It is a double standard and hypocritical but it is what it is... I am not suggesting this guy is like that or is playing you, but your logic is flawed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 (edited) The fact he mentioned exclusivity again makes me thinks he must be serious and not trying to get in my pants, so I think I'm gonna drop the other dude then, and give this a shot. That's an interesting conclusion to come to. Exclusivity just means not seeing other people...It says nothing about his desire to get in your pants. But I must say every time a guy asked to be bf/gf after the 1st, 2nd, 3rd date I always assumed he was trying to get in my pants. He thought I'd be more likely to go to bed with a complete stranger if that complete stranger was my 'boyfriend'. Edited November 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 Maybe because you didn't say "OK let's be exclusive". You said you might be willing to be exclusive at some point in the future when the stars align etc etc... very wishy washy, sounded like you were making excuses. He didn't believe you because you didn't even say it straight. No but it doesn't hurt to try apples 1 at a time does it? Otherwise you never know what the Honeycrisp tastes like, because you have bits of Pink Lady, Royal Gala and Granny Smith in your teeth. Well, before I can give a definite answer. I want to know what exclusive means to him. Because on prior date he stated he wants me to be his girl. That to me means girlfriend. So, is it he wants me to be his girlfriend or he wants me or us to just date each other. Once i get clarification, I can answer. I see accepting exclusivity without commitment as hustling backwards if you're a woman. What do you see yourself as standing to gain from such an arrangement, OP? Well, see, he said before he wants me to be his girl which I assume to mean girlfriend. So, I am not sure if he means girlfriend or just dating each other. Well, my ex and I were exclusive and it worked out for nearly 4 years. So, I guess I would hope it naturally progresses into an actual relationship, providing we still like each other and are on the same page. Many guys who themselves are out playing the field want the woman to be exclusive only to them. It is not an uncommon situation. He sees and sleep with whoever he wants, she has to be true to him. Many men do not want to be sleeping with "easy" women who are giving sex to other guys. He wants to be the only man in her world. It is a double standard and hypocritical but it is what it is... I am not suggesting this guy is like that or is playing you, but your logic is flawed. You're right. But he mentioned me being his girl. And that's why we will talk more in depth in person, because I am aware some men think like that. It's kinda dumb though, if it's just sex, who cares if she's "Easy". I guess it's an ego thing? What does it say about the dude who just wants sex? Men be judging when they do far worse. That's an interesting conclusion to come to. Exclusivity just means not seeing other people...It says nothing about his desire to get in your pants. But I must say every time a guy asked to be bf/gf after the 1st, 2nd, 3rd date I always assumed he was trying to get in my pants. He thought I'd be more likely to go to bed with a complete stranger if that complete stranger was my 'boyfriend'. Yeah, that's true. I mean I don't mind if he wants sex. When you are attracted to someone, why wouldn't you want them...I want sex too,lol!But I want sex in a serious relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 ]So a woman is supposed to know you are her Honeycrisp apples from date 1? No....that would take some time.... What if she needs time to get to know you better to decide? Great.....take all the time needed to decide... She should refuse dates with other guys who may be a better match for her? No....drop guy number one, and go for the "better match".....That's providing she's even "shopping" while dating the original guy....If guy number one isn't so great, then just drop him and go for someone else if you think there is better out there... It's really not that hard ....I get it....some people are so indecisive...They are like my little ShihTzu....She pulls all her toys out of her basket and jumps from one to the other...perhaps she's too insecure to just go for the blue and red rubber ball...I mean, I know that is her favorite... Don't expect to jerk people around and expect them to wait around for you....Most guys worth a shyt would never play that game,, TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Many guys who themselves are out playing the field want the woman to be exclusive only to them. It is not an uncommon situation. He sees and sleep with whoever he wants, she has to be true to him. Many men do not want to be sleeping with "easy" women who are giving sex to other guys. He wants to be the only man in her world. It is a double standard and hypocritical but it is what it is... I am not suggesting this guy is like that or is playing you, but your logic is flawed. What is the double standard here.??? I don't know any women who wait around while guys date or bang other women, then accept them afterwards...No woman Ive ever been around would accept that deal... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 What is the double standard here.??? I don't know any women who wait around while guys date or bang other women, then accept them afterwards...No woman Ive ever been around would accept that deal... TFY I think what she is saying is many men want exclusivity but it only being applicable to the women, and not to them. She is not saying women would accept a man messing with other women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 i never pictured you as a schiztu type lol...that's cute. Anyway, I don't think understand what the big aversion to multidating. It's not even like you have to be sleeping with them or even kiss them. I think multidating would benefit a lot of women on here who tend to have an exclusive mindset when it comes to dating. First, you get to know a lot of people so you keep things in perspective and don't invest too much too quickly. That also could cause someone to willfully overlook red flags. And for ladies who want kids and marriage relatively like NOW, it would be wise to not waste time. She could go on several dates with a guy before a deal breaks and she realizes they aren't on the same page. Then she has to start from scratch. Where if she were multidating it would be the first guy who is buying the cow (the lady). I wouldn't be exclusive with anyone until I was ready to settle down and knew they were too. Like lovephule said, it's not smart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Well, before I can give a definite answer. I want to know what exclusive means to him. Because on prior date he stated he wants me to be his girl. That to me means girlfriend. So, is it he wants me to be his girlfriend or he wants me or us to just date each other. Once i get clarification, I can answer. Well, see, he said before he wants me to be his girl which I assume to mean girlfriend. So, I am not sure if he means girlfriend or just dating each other. Well, my ex and I were exclusive and it worked out for nearly 4 years. So, I guess I would hope it naturally progresses into an actual relationship, providing we still like each other and are on the same page. Yeah, I see it as being a good idea to know exactly what you're agreeing to before you agree to it. How long were you and your ex exclusive before this natural progression resulted in an actual relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 Yeah, I see it as being a good idea to know exactly what you're agreeing to before you agree to it. How long were you and your ex exclusive before this natural progression resulted in an actual relationship? We were exclusive from the get go... I would say about 2 months before he was my bf. He was very into it from the get go. He put pressure for a relationship, while I was the one trying to go with the flow. Around 3 month mark, he told me loved me. Every relationship is different though. Yeah, I want to know what's up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 i never pictured you as a schiztu type lol...that's cute. Anyway, I don't think understand what the big aversion to multidating. It's not even like you have to be sleeping with them or even kiss them. I think multidating would benefit a lot of women on here who tend to have an exclusive mindset when it comes to dating. First, you get to know a lot of people so you keep things in perspective and don't invest too much too quickly. That also could cause someone to willfully overlook red flags. And for ladies who want kids and marriage relatively like NOW, it would be wise to not waste time. She could go on several dates with a guy before a deal breaks and she realizes they aren't on the same page. Then she has to start from scratch. Where if she were multidating it would be the first guy who is buying the cow (the lady). I wouldn't be exclusive with anyone until I was ready to settle down and knew they were too. Like lovephule said, it's not smart. I don't understand why it's so bad either. I feel especially for women we need to be protective of our hearts and bodies. At the most, men will lose $$ if it doesn't work out. I feel women have more to lose... Am I ready to settle down? With the right guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 BlueIvy, you're making this so much more complicated than it needs to be. He wants to be exclusive and for you to be 'his girl'. Yes, this means girlfriend. Why all this conversation about better understanding what you're agreeing to? How about giving it a try and if it's not what you want, you just end it? Honestly, if I wanted a guy to be exclusive and he overthought it like this, I'd be having alarm bells go off left, right and centre. This isn't a business deal. Or a contract. It's just stopping dating others and taking time to get to know each other without distraction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 I don't understand why it's so bad either. I feel especially for women we need to be protective of our hearts and bodies. At the most, men will lose $$ if it doesn't work out. I feel women have more to lose... Am I ready to settle down? With the right guy. You really think that men are immune from heartbreak or from being used? You've got to be kidding. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 I do like him and our dates have been going well. But I question if he is being for real because I feel it's kinda quick. So, it makes me wonder if he is saying that he wants me to be his girl based on me being "pretty" or just wants intimacy. One of my male friends said, "Well, Joanne, you are beautiful" as reasoning why he wants to claim me so quickly,lol. . Do you feel like you guys 'click' in the brief time you've known each other and have had quality, indepth conversation? It's less about time and more about that. That decreases the likelihood he just likes you for your appearance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 You really think that men are immune from heartbreak or from being used? You've got to be kidding. No. But I think on average men play more games than women. You can agree to disagree, but that's my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 Do you feel like you guys 'click' in the brief time you've known each other and have had quality, indepth conversation? It's less about time and more about that. That decreases the likelihood he just likes you for your appearance. Yes! First date went so well. I even kissed him on the first date, which I only did with my ex. We don't know everything about each other but we both said we want to settle down eventually. We even discussed marriage and kids in a general context. Like, he mentioned he wanted 3 kids. I said 1-2. He said he is looking for a woman to be his friend first most. He mentioned future plans. We talked a little bit about our upbringing, our family, our prior relationship.The value of education. Our aspirations. Our conversations have been more in depth but we joke a lot too. Oh, and he's funny. And he is tall, very educated, and sexy. We took a pic together on our last date and I showed my friends and they all said he's good looking:p Like, I went on date with other guys and it wasn't the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueIvy Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 So, we were suppose to get together yesterday but it didn't happen. He left in the morning for work and will be gone for a bit. So, we never got to have the "exclusive" talk. When he was at the airport, he mentioned some chicks were calling him "baby" and I joked did you tell them only I can call you that. He said he did and a female asked, "Then why isn't she here" I laughed it off. But damn, did he do this to let me know how wanted he is? At the lounge yesterday, one of the security guards/bouncers asked for my number. I bet if I told him, wonder what his reaction would be,lol. I am not the jealous type so I am gonna roll it off. I do like him.. But since we didn't have the talk, I feel I shouldn't put all my eggs in a basket just yet. I will wait for him to call me and see if it comes up. But I can say I don't think he is after sex soley. Since I was out, I was drinking and was in a sensual mood. I basically told him I wanted him aka sex and he didn't take the bait. Not, that it was a bait but most guys if you are sending sexual innuendos, would try to see how far it goes. I even sent him a sexy pic (not a nude) and he didn't get sexual. He said it was a sexy pic but he didn't try to push for more pics or get dirty. So, it seems he likes me for more than my physical? Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 BlueIvy, you're making this so much more complicated than it needs to be. He wants to be exclusive and for you to be 'his girl'. Yes, this means girlfriend. Why all this conversation about better understanding what you're agreeing to? How about giving it a try and if it's not what you want, you just end it? Honestly, if I wanted a guy to be exclusive and he overthought it like this, I'd be having alarm bells go off left, right and centre. This isn't a business deal. Or a contract. It's just stopping dating others and taking time to get to know each other without distraction. In a nutshell. Personally, I've never had exclusivity talks with anyone. I've known we are exclusive by their availability, and vice versa. Actions, not words. And it has always happened after only 1 or 2 dates. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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