This guy I met is too eager ?

[d0nnivain]

Maybe I am too cynical..

 

You are not too cynical.

 

I feel like I have huge responsibility of him already even we just met and I dont know him that well.

 

You don't own him anything except politeness, as in don't be affirmatively mean to him when you break up & remain professional at work.

[d0nnivain]

coolheadal

 

You seem like a rare good guy. You like to spoil women you are dating but you have a skill the OP's guy is missing: you know when to back off. There's a vibe or tension when a woman feels smothered. You can see it in her eyes if you look. Instead of lightness & joy about the nice thing the guy just did, she's staring back with confusion -- thinking WTF is he doing? You have enough sense to back off when faced with that.

 

Some guys that I have encountered who misunderstand that reaction, dial it up when they see that look. They try harder for the joyful appreciative response which just makes it worse.

 

I suspect that is the kind of guy Fruitee is dealing with. It's so much more then him being a nice guy. It's a cluelessness & neediness that is off-putting. You get the awful feelings that the guy is begging "just love me". It's so heartbreaking but it is so unattractive.

[Fruitee]

Why are you saying that? Back off sounds like he's crowding you. I guess you were too independent and never had a guy like this before. Your lucky to have this guy most are lazy and won't even get out to get you anything. So your not use too guy like this. Then your prior wasn't like this. This guy is so keen on you he's will do to anything to please you and make you feel special. Why reject this. This is who he is, can't change him. I sure he was raised this way. Never knock a horse down. Expect his gestures of good well and happiness. If you don't like it you could be mean and say quit it already I don't like this. That would rude and he might not take it the way you thing, either hurt him or he might end what you have. Just have to let things play out.

 

Im not too independent and I have had guys like this before. But it has happened naturally. It hasnt felt forced or done because of duty or because that is expected. My ex took me to fancy restaurants and bought me Jimmy Choos. No problem. Because we were in commited relationship and together for years. I have been woken up to fresh coffee and croissants just because. So that really isnt the problem. The problem is too much too soon. When he should be trying to get to know me. Not buying me.

[Fruitee]

You are not too cynical.

**

You don't own him anything except politeness, as in don't be affirmatively mean to him when you break up & remain professional at work.

 

I would never be mean to him. And honestly I would want to and like to date him.

 

I would just like to figure out how to slow it down little bit.

 

Now it feels like he thinks he already owns me some how. E.g. we were walking back from lunch and he touhed my butt. Which was super weird.

[d0nnivain]

Sit him down & tell him to back off. It really is as simple as that, even if it will be an awkward conversation.

[Fruitee]

My dear you have me at a disadvantage! This is not clearly the case with me and you. Just point out some interesting observation in what your expressing to us here.

 

1. You do not like smothering

2. You do not like pushy men

3. You do not like it when the guy has fallen in love with too fast

4. You want him to back-off because he just doing so many things for you

 

That's what you told us. I just use one of my past relationships as example. I didn't want to make things up. I tell it as it is. I very good in reading people. But again you don't like to hear what others have for opinions to help figure out your situations moves. We're all her to give advise some advise is helpful. But again if you have experience in this I did show some input mine said the same thing you told us here. I did back off but then she said what's wrong. I said I back off the smothering you don't like it. She said that because she never had it before. I never said I love her I said I liked her. Too soon to say those words. I am using my experience as reference. That's all your life is different he's different. Sounds like a great guy to have.

 

Listen it's your life and your decision in the end. I sense you were getting annoyed with the truth I was saying. Fair enough. Psychic observation and experience is what I am using here. I like to read people which I did for you. But you going to do it you way in the end. Good Luck to you my dear!

 

Shanti- means peace..

 

But you werent telling the truth. Just making wild assumptions. Thanks anyway.

[Highndry]

As a guy I agree that his behavior is over the top. Here's what I suspect:

 

He is trying to manipulate your feelings with all these gifts and gestures, and in his mind he's probably telling himself that because he's done all of this stuff he is entitled to and deserves you. It doesn't seem like he's really paying attention to your feelings and actions, because if he was he wouldn't be doing this.

 

I would also bet that once he "gets" you, all of these gestures will slowly fade away as they were merely tools in his arsenal, not genuine acts of kindness, consideration and affection. I could be wrong, of course, but it seems like something is off with this guy. Insecurity, narcissism, I don't know...

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, I've learned over the years that your actions will definitely be construed differently depending on the personality of the person you are dating. Common sense. Some may think it 'smothering' whereas another may think of it as confirmation of enthusiasm and real interest. It can be a little confusing at times, so communication is VERY IMPORTANT.

 

I've learned to dial down my enthusiasm and that has been difficult. I am a planner, go-getter, high energy person. Pulling the reins in to keep from over-whelming is a challenge I don't fully enjoy, but needs to be done. I have only been directly told that I have been 'smothering' once in all my years of dating and I ended up marrying that woman. I did back off......big time! To the point of going NC for some time and then only incidental contact later on. It clearly made an impact.

 

Anyway, some women (people) are not ready to accept such attention. I believe much of it is personality, but it could also be b/c he/she is freshly raw from a previous relationship and needs a little more time to fully emerge from it or b/c they are misinterpreting the other person's intent/personality type. Some people are just very giving and attentive...not only b/c they are trying to rush a relationship.

 

In the end, it's about communication. Let him know you need less attention and hope that doesn't crack his ego or expectations to the point of confusion of lack of interest. If he's mature enough, he should be okay.

[TheTraveler]

I'm going to guess the guy may have been crushing on you for some time, and when you became single it was his chance.

 

He's definitely way into this relationship more than you...you're back on the market and still might like some freedom, time to get over the ex

 

my guess nothing serious will come out of this...i'd move on

 

backing off and all that? nah i'd just exit

[Fruitee]

As a guy I agree that his behavior is over the top. Here's what I suspect:

 

He is trying to manipulate your feelings with all these gifts and gestures, and in his mind he's probably telling himself that because he's done all of this stuff he is entitled to and deserves you. It doesn't seem like he's really paying attention to your feelings and actions, because if he was he wouldn't be doing this.

 

I would also bet that once he "gets" you, all of these gestures will slowly fade away as they were merely tools in his arsenal, not genuine acts of kindness, consideration and affection. I could be wrong, of course, but it seems like something is off with this guy. Insecurity, narcissism, I don't know...

 

I know he is insecure because he told me that. So I guess he is trying so hard because he dont think he is worthy of me.

 

He had been crushing on me since summer and I never paid any attention to him for clear reasons. And now it feels like he has this months worth of energy to spend on me.

 

I really dont think he would keep doing all of this stuff in LTR and for the next 10 years. Because people just dont work like that. And I told him that it makes me feel like he is trying to make me depend on him and I would get used to be showered with gifts and attention.

[Fruitee]

Well, I've learned over the years that your actions will definitely be construed differently depending on the personality of the person you are dating. Common sense. Some may think it 'smothering' whereas another may think of it as confirmation of enthusiasm and real interest. It can be a little confusing at times, so communication is VERY IMPORTANT.

 

I've learned to dial down my enthusiasm and that has been difficult. I am a planner, go-getter, high energy person. Pulling the reins in to keep from over-whelming is a challenge I don't fully enjoy, but needs to be done. I have only been directly told that I have been 'smothering' once in all my years of dating and I ended up marrying that woman. I did back off......big time! To the point of going NC for some time and then only incidental contact later on. It clearly made an impact.

 

Anyway, some women (people) are not ready to accept such attention. I believe much of it is personality, but it could also be b/c he/she is freshly raw from a previous relationship and needs a little more time to fully emerge from it or b/c they are misinterpreting the other person's intent/personality type. Some people are just very giving and attentive...not only b/c they are trying to rush a relationship.

 

In the end, it's about communication. Let him know you need less attention and hope that doesn't crack his ego or expectations to the point of confusion of lack of interest. If he's mature enough, he should be okay.

 

I am also high energy, very lively, passionate and all of that. But it just doesnt feel natural what he is doing. Like he might have this weird smirk on his face. The other day he actually cried in front of me and I saw this weird impression on his face. It looked like he was thinking: this will work on her. I dont know if I am just over reacting. He told me that it just feels so natural to be emotional in front of me. And only feeling I had was to run.

[Highndry]

I am also high energy, very lively, passionate and all of that. But it just doesnt feel natural what he is doing. Like he might have this weird smirk on his face. The other day he actually cried in front of me and I saw this weird impression on his face. It looked like he was thinking: this will work on her. I dont know if I am just over reacting. He told me that it just feels so natural to be emotional in front of me. And only feeling I had was to run.

 

There you have it. This guy has major issues, and manipulation is at the top of the list.

[Fruitee]

There you have it. This guy has major issues, and manipulation is at the top of the list.

 

That is what I was thinking as well. That he is manipulating me. Later he explained to me that he has never been emotional and has always hid his feelings. But now he just feels like he can be naturally emotional in front of me. But that expression in his face. It really freaked me out.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I am also high energy, very lively, passionate and all of that. But it just doesnt feel natural what he is doing. Like he might have this weird smirk on his face. The other day he actually cried in front of me and I saw this weird impression on his face. It looked like he was thinking: this will work on her. I dont know if I am just over reacting. He told me that it just feels so natural to be emotional in front of me. And only feeling I had was to run.

 

Okay, that is weird. You have much more information than any of us about his behavior, etc. I would say that if it doesn't feel right, it likely isn't. Tell him to back off and see if he does. If you are interested in continuing to see him, that is. His response to our request will tell you a lot.

[Fruitee]

Okay, that is weird. You have much more information than any of us about his behavior, etc. I would say that if it doesn't feel right, it likely isn't. Tell him to back off and see if he does. If you are interested in continuing to see him, that is. His response to our request will tell you a lot.

 

I do believe he will do it if I ask. Its just kinda sad because I do like him. But I guess if I cool it off e.g. limit our dates for once a week. It will make him calmer as well. He is already planning so much for us e.g. trips for next summer and so on.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I do believe he will do it if I ask. Its just kinda sad because I do like him. But I guess if I cool it off e.g. limit our dates for once a week. It will make him calmer as well. He is already planning so much for us e.g. trips for next summer and so on.

 

Oh, yeah. Reel it in. He needs to know that this is not okay with you and that things need to slow down. I think it's a good idea for you to lay down some ground rules and limits. Again, his response will say a lot. If he's mature and stable, he will comply and take it to a level you are most comfortable with, if not, well, he's not the person for you at this time, if ever.

 

I will say that my response to my ex's initial suggestion that I was smothering her was not met with agreement on my part. It may have been to her, but most friends, including lady friends did not feel the way that she did regarding my contact, communication, etc. She simply was not in the place at the time to deal with the attention I was giving her. In the end, it was about perception. My response was to back off, but I went to extremes I admit. I went NC. Not very mature of me. :-) But, apparently, it didn't hurt in the end as we did get back together.

Edited November 1, 2017 by simpleNfit

[kazen]

 

But are guys in general this eager? Like if I say I wish I had chocolate he straight away gets up and goes to buy some for me.

 

 

 

I have a friend who does this sorts of things for girls he has crushes on. I tried to tell him to stop doing stuff like this and why it doesn't work on girls and it will drive them away but he doesn't listen. Some guys just get this idea that if they show girls how much they care, they will win their hearts. Poor bastards!

[Fruitee]

Oh, yeah. Reel it in. He needs to know that this is not okay with you and that things need to slow down. I think it's a good idea for you to lay down some ground rules and limits. Again, his response will say a lot. If he's mature and stable, he will comply and take it to a level you are most comfortable with, if not, well, he's not the person for you at this time, if ever.

 

I will say that my response to my ex's initial suggestion that I was smothering her was not met with agreement on my part. It may have been to her, but most friends, including lady friends did not feel the way that she did regarding my contact, communication, etc. She simply was not in the place at the time to deal with the attention I was giving her. In the end, it was about perception. My response was to back off, but I went to extremes I admit. I went NC. Not very mature of me. :-) But, apparently, it didn't hurt in the end as we did get back together.

 

Thanks. I really hope he understands.

 

I am just worried he is love bombing me. But I guess if I act now it will cool things off and gives him time as well to sustain his emotions.

[Fruitee]

 

I have a friend who does this sorts of things for girls he has crushes on. I tried to tell him to stop doing stuff like this and why it doesn't work on girls and it will drive them away but he doesn't listen. Some guys just get this idea that if they show girls how much they care, they will win their hearts. Poor bastards!

 

Exactly. Poor bastards.

 

I just want to be treated equally and as a human being. Not put into pedestal.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Thanks. I really hope he understands.

 

I am just worried he is love bombing me. But I guess if I act now it will cool things off and gives him time as well to sustain his emotions.

 

Sure he is. Sometimes it just takes clarification of YOUR feelings to put the other person in check. Good luck!

[kazen]

I do think you should have a talk with him to calm him down. Let him know you like him but things are moving too fast for you and that he doesn't have to try so hard to please you, in fact it makes you uncomfortable. I wish girls I have dated in the past would say that to my younger naive self. It's really great that you are willing to do so. He sounds like a great guy.

[Cookiesandough]

Guys are eager when they really like you, really want to have sex with you, really lonely, have mental probs etc. etc.

 

 

 

Being a gentleman ought to be a bare minimum requirement. Buying gifts and such is nice. Being open is nice. But being too eager is often a red flag. Not always, but usually

[Fruitee]

I do think you should have a talk with him to calm him down. Let him know you like him but things are moving too fast for you and that he doesn't have to try so hard to please you, in fact it makes you uncomfortable. I wish girls I have dated in the past would say that to my younger naive self. It's really great that you are willing to do so. He sounds like a great guy.

 

I actually told him several times. I told him he dont need to do anything etc. But he said it dont matter if I say no because he wants to. That it is just who he is.

[Fruitee]

Sure he is. Sometimes it just takes clarification of YOUR feelings to put the other person in check. Good luck!

 

Thanks. I havent told him anything how I feel about him e.g. that I like him. But I will now talk to him and be clear. That I wish to continue dating but in slower pace. If I dont see him too much then its impossible for him to do too many favors for me. I have also limited physical stuff to bare minimal. It will either drive him crazy, leave me alone or things will continue but with healthy pace.

[kazen]

I actually told him several times. I told him he dont need to do anything etc. But he said it dont matter if I say no because he wants to. That it is just who he is.

 

Yea, I'm not surprise he responded like that. As I mention in my other post, I have a friend just like that. No matter how much I told him to stop doing girls favors but he wouldn't stop. He thinks eventually he'll win a girl over because they will realize how great of a guy he is. Poor bastard.

 

Well, good luck with your relationship. I hope he'll calm down on his own over time.