Huge dilemma on whether to try it again [Updated]

[tart6245]

You can't shake her because you are staying in contact with her. There's no way you can move on if you stay open to contact.

 

 

 

I hadn't spoken to her in 3 months prior to Saturday. But the only way I can cut her off is a restraining order, which I have likely ruined by responding to her, or to change my number an email. And unfortunately I don't think that's possible and would create quite a burden on me.

[tart6245]

Maybe it is time you change your number and your email address. It seems that you can't quite manage her incessant communication.

 

She is mentally and emotionally dysfunctional. People like her do not just go away. You fed the beast and now it's back. You somehow instilled some level of hope in her by opening the door. You hit the reset button. So now you get through this again by ignoring -- and that means STOP reading her messages. Just auto delete.

 

I was in a similar situation and whenever a message came in, I deleted it. I had to deal with that for months. He went quiet then a year later resurfaced. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Reading the messages trigger you so stop doing that.

 

This is a lesson to you to never, ever communicate with her again.

 

 

 

You're right. I did break Saturday. I just have not been able to move on from her when I hear from her every few days/weeks. Now I'm back to square one. I'm not eating, sleeping, always anxious. I hate this.

 

 

I have been auto blocking each of her numbers but obviously that only delays her. I save all her messages though in the event she tries any sort of legal action, but by now, I think she's tried everything she could try and it did not work. Of course now that she's left the person she was dating, she'll blame me if I don't get back together with her and have a meltdown. I did not at all tell her to dump him.

[tart6245]

Look what I would do is one of two things:

- Stop talking to her all together, get as much distance as possible for you to get this restraining order and live your life peacefully.

 

- Or understand what she wants from you, you two broke up and keep your distance yet she contacts you. Maybe she secretly wants you????

Then maybe its worth to talk to her as a person and ask why she keeps doing it?

 

What do you think about it?

 

 

 

I had not spoken to her for 3 months, so I had gone silent. The issue is, she continues to make fake numbers and contacts me every few weeks/days trying to manipulate me into talking to her and really keeping me from moving on and healing from all of this.

 

 

She wants to sit down and talk, and I just really do not think that's a good idea because I don't know what it will solve. She thinks we are meant to be together and does not acknowledge all the awful and horrible things she tried to do to me in the fall, and there is no way anyone in my life will accept her back after all she did. I can't romanticize our relationship and think about the good times knowing that there's no coming back from what happened.

[Zahara]

The issue is, she continues to make fake numbers and contacts me every few weeks/days trying to manipulate me into talking to her and really keeping me from moving on and healing from all of this.

 

Why can't you change your number and email address? I think at some point when it all becomes too much to bear, you have to get drastic and do what needs to be done.

 

In March 2017, you were 6 months into dating her and concerned about her issues.

 

In August 2017, you were contemplating ending it with her because of her bad behavior.

 

In October 2017, you were contemplating trying again even with all the red flags.

 

We're heading into March 2018. You're still stuck -- hoping she'll go away. At some point you need to be proactive and start taking your healing into your own hands. She can and will never be responsible or accountable for it. She's never going to stop so you need to come up with a different plan.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Zahara

[SpecialJ]

I don't know the legalities around it, but I don't see why it would ruin a restraining order if you responded to 1% of her total contact to say nothing but, good luck with the new guy, stop contacting me.

[BC1980]

I hadn't spoken to her in 3 months prior to Saturday. But the only way I can cut her off is a restraining order, which I have likely ruined by responding to her, or to change my number an email. And unfortunately I don't think that's possible and would create quite a burden on me.

 

Can you block her number and email address?

[marky00]

I just want to be left alone. Her number of fake numbers she's made is up to 10 as of today and she keeps emailing me telling me how "if you love me you'd support me through all of this" and the like. Still guilting me, blaming me. Her family doesn't care - they just excuse this behavior. Her friends are worthless and lack the capacity to understand. It's sad for her, but I cannot keep letting her do this to me.

 

I bet you once she disappears and stops chasing you, you will feel different about things.

 

Your doing the typical dumper thing where your using poor post breakup behavior to boost your ego and further validate your decision.

 

Be careful but. The dynamic always shifts eventually. I think you should stop trying to make yourself look good and her bad (even if she really is bad). Just accept this this is what can happen when people breakup and leave it there. Analyzing her behavior in a way to make her look bad or whatever isn't necessary. It's difficult but you have to try to stay grounded, That will serve you better once she stops chasing you (and she will stop eventually).

Edited February 23, 2018 by marky00

[tart6245]

Can you block her number and email address?

 

 

 

I have. She makes fake numbers using phone apps and multiple emails to contact me. I think I've blocked maybe 30-40 of her "numbers" so far.

 

 

The only options I have left are to change my number and email, but I use my number a lot for work and I really am unsure if I can just make that change.

[tart6245]

I bet you once she disappears and stops chasing you, you will feel different about things.

 

Your doing the typical dumper thing where your using poor post breakup behavior to boost your ego and further validate your decision.

 

Be careful but. The dynamic always shifts eventually. I think you should stop trying to make yourself look good and her bad (even if she really is bad). Just accept this this is what can happen when people breakup and leave it there. Analyzing her behavior in a way to make her look bad or whatever isn't necessary. It's difficult but you have to try to stay grounded, That will serve you better once she stops chasing you (and she will stop eventually).

 

 

Before last weekend, I have not responded to any of her advances. I've tried to move on, blocking each number she's made, but I guess I can only handle so much until I crack, which I am sure was her plan. I'm not analyzing her behavior at all to make her look bad. She made the choices to do what she did to me and forever torch the bridges she had with me. That was not my choice, but I live with it.

[tart6245]

Why can't you change your number and email address? I think at some point when it all becomes too much to bear, you have to get drastic and do what needs to be done.

 

In March 2017, you were 6 months into dating her and concerned about her issues.

 

In August 2017, you were contemplating ending it with her because of her bad behavior.

 

In October 2017, you were contemplating trying again even with all the red flags.

 

We're heading into March 2018. You're still stuck -- hoping she'll go away. At some point you need to be proactive and start taking your healing into your own hands. She can and will never be responsible or accountable for it. She's never going to stop so you need to come up with a different plan.

 

 

 

I know. I am stuck. I've been seeking therapy and an outlet to voice my fears and concerns, trying to stay active and distract myself from everything, but as I said, I cannot fully heal and move on when the longest break I've had from her contacting me was 3 weeks. I still have an unhealthy attachment to her. I just finally cracked last weekend and couldn't be more regretful, because now she has some sense of hope that we will work through things, and she's going to panic when I won't.

 

 

I don't know what my next step is - whether I need to write her and be clear under no uncertain terms that we are finished and that I'll never move passed what she did to me, or just ignore her again and set her off into a panic.

[Zahara]

I know. I am stuck. I've been seeking therapy and an outlet to voice my fears and concerns, trying to stay active and distract myself from everything, but as I said, I cannot fully heal and move on when the longest break I've had from her contacting me was 3 weeks. I still have an unhealthy attachment to her. I just finally cracked last weekend and couldn't be more regretful, because now she has some sense of hope that we will work through things, and she's going to panic when I won't.

 

 

I don't know what my next step is - whether I need to write her and be clear under no uncertain terms that we are finished and that I'll never move passed what she did to me, or just ignore her again and set her off into a panic.

 

This is NOT the solution. Did you not learn anything from your recent contact with her?

 

You are addicted to her contact and in some way want to to stay connected.

 

You can change your number and change your email but you choose not to claiming it to be a burden. The burden has far greater reward than the alternative. But you choose to stay connected -- it is a choice.

 

At my old job, one of the Sales Managers was in a similar situation. He avoided changing his email and number due to his clients and how burdensome it would be. He finally did it. Everything worked itself out for him business wise in the end and she was gone. It was burdensome but again, the reward was worth it.

 

Your healing is your responsibility. Until you choose to prioritize it, no one can help you. All the therapy in the world and postings on LS isn't going to help when you choose and want to keep an active lifeline to the source of your pain.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Zahara

[tart6245]

This is NOT the solution. Did you not learn anything from your recent contact with her?

 

You are addicted to her contact and in some way want to to stay connected.

 

You can change your number and change your email but you choose not to claiming it to be a burden. The burden has far greater reward than the alternative. But you choose to stay connected -- it is a choice.

 

At my old job, one of the Sales Managers was in a similar situation. He avoided changing his email and number due to his clients and how burdensome it would be. He finally did it. Everything worked itself out for him business wise in the end and she was gone. It was burdensome but again, the reward was worth it.

 

Your healing is your responsibility. Until you choose to prioritize it, no one can help you. All the therapy in the world and postings on LS isn't going to help when you choose and want to keep an active lifeline to the source of your pain.

 

 

 

You're right. I'm sure writing her will do no good. She'll just beg me to see her and give her closure. I guess my fear is she'll threaten me again with all kinds of things, but I guess she's done all she can do.

 

 

Changing my number sounds like my only way to find peace.

[healing light]

You need to change your number, no matter the cost. This woman has a personality disorder and is clearly in an unhealthy place--she doesn't love you enough to care about your personal well-being and all the terrible things she did in an attempt to actively ruin your life. Nor did she give a **** about anyone when she attempted suicide in order to be rescued by you. You can't save her, she's beyond your capacity to help.

 

You can either choose to sink with her or to break yourself free from this pattern and have a shot at happiness. I would look into EFT (emotional freedom technique)--very simple to learn if you google or go on YouTube to find some videos--in order to help you cope with your hard days. Continue therapy and consider a restraining order if changing your number doesn't help.

[NopeNah]

I'll go against the grain here and say that you should pronounce your undying love for this lady! Make this work...you can do it! This thread started in what? Oct? Odds are in your favor here..do not waste anymore time moving on and get this(?) back....seriously?

[NopeNah]

You're right. I'm sure writing her will do no good. She'll just beg me to see her and give her closure. I guess my fear is she'll threaten me again with all kinds of things, but I guess she's done all she can do.

 

 

Changing my number sounds like my only way to find peace.

You're lucky you're not my buddy,saying this to my face! I would slap you so hard!

[tart6245]

Last night she sent me a message telling me she was sorry for all the things she had said and done, and would not contact me again, but that she hopes to hear from me again someday.

 

 

Hopefully I can finally process this loss in peace and find a way to move on. The last few nights have been extremely hard, even harder than November when I initially cut her off.

[Zahara]

Last night she sent me a message telling me she was sorry for all the things she had said and done, and would not contact me again, but that she hopes to hear from me again someday.

 

 

Hopefully I can finally process this loss in peace and find a way to move on. The last few nights have been extremely hard, even harder than November when I initially cut her off.

 

That's because you dug at the wound again by responding to her and with her incessant contact and your need to indulge in her messages have kept you stagnating and regressing.

 

I don't think this is the last you will hear from her. I think people like her fluctuate and are manipulative in what they say and what they truly mean. Hopefully I'm wrong and she moves on quietly and never crosses your path again.

 

If she does, then it would be time for you to have a different strategy.

[tart6245]

That's because you dug at the wound again by responding to her and with her incessant contact and your need to indulge in her messages have kept you stagnating and regressing.

 

I don't think this is the last you will hear from her. I think people like her fluctuate and are manipulative in what they say and what they truly mean. Hopefully I'm wrong and she moves on quietly and never crosses your path again.

 

If she does, then it would be time for you to have a different strategy.

 

 

 

I definitely think she fluctuates and says things she doesn't mean to manipulate me. All of her messages range from loving me to hating me, to her not being good enough to her being way better than me. Who knows what is actually true and what is not.

 

 

Hopefully this new person she's seeing will distract her and she will forget about me and move on, but I don't really know. Part of me doesn't believe this is the last of her, because she's said she won't contact me again countless times only to resurface. Maybe the new person will stop that if she ends up liking him more than she told me she did previously.

 

 

All I can do is stay silent and hope she doesn't try to contact me again. Even if she does, I need to not give in and respond. Eventually I will get through this and learn from it.