Huge dilemma on whether to try it again [Updated]

[Zahara]

I know. Her family isn’t from this town and her friends aren’t aware. She keeps telling me she can’t call her mother because the hospital phone won’t make long distance calls and needs me to visit.

 

You’re right. I need to block her. Her mother is now angry I didn’t help her but I cannot make that choice to save her. I wasn’t going to go sleep with her while she was overdosing on pills. If she had died, I’d become a murder suspect. No way.

 

But her mother already knows that she is in the hospital so her family is aware of her condition and it is now their responsibility to care for her. They will have to take the necessary steps to get her on the right track. At some point her friends will find out and her circle will widen.

 

Her mother is in turmoil and is reacting so don't let that affect you. I'm sure she was well aware of her child's mental/emotional state way before all this happened. If anything this will push them to get her the help she needs.

 

Yes, block her -- permanently. No social media. If there are unknown calls coming to your phone, ignore it. Block on email.

 

Start your healing.

[tart6245]

But her mother already knows that she is in the hospital so her family is aware of her condition and it is now their responsibility to care for her. They will have to take the necessary steps to get her on the right track. At some point her friends will find out and her circle will widen.

 

Her mother is in turmoil and is reacting so don't let that affect you. I'm sure she was well aware of her child's mental/emotional state way before all this happened. If anything this will push them to get her the help she needs.

 

Yes, block her -- permanently. No social media. If there are unknown calls coming to your phone, ignore it. Block on email.

 

Start your healing.

 

 

Her mom does now, yes. She's now using different hospital phones calling me asking for me to come see her during visitor hours, saying she doesn't want her mom there and is going to block her from seeing her, and that all she needs to see is me.

 

 

I'm angry that she's done this and spent last night sending me pictures and telling me she was OD'ing and blaming it on me on social media. She also sent me a picture of the suicide letter she wrote me. At this point I am worn out and emotionally fragile and have no idea what to do. I may need to consider a restraining order because I don't think she will go quietly.

 

 

The point is, SHE has to stand on her own and not lean on me or she'll never get better. If I go see her or even talk to her, I am enabling her behavior and she'll just do it again despite her claims this won't happen again. I'm now losing patience and am not wanting to be nice because she's hurting me more than she knows by these actions

Edited November 1, 2017 by tarheelian

[SpecialJ]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please find a therapist to talk to to help you know your options for handling this situation. It is very serious and probably will serve you well to have experts on your side who are more than just Internet strangers.

 

What the other posters have said here is right: threatening suicide in the way in which she's done to you in the past is some of the most manipulative behavior someone can engage in. Her following through this time is NOT ABOUT YOU and is NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you want her to be helped, but you're not the person to do it. She has very serious problems that existed before you met, and she needs professional attention.

 

However, her actions obviously are going to have an impact on you, as you're human and care for her, plus you're going to have to manage her smearing you publicly and blaming you for something which, I repeat, ISN'T YOUR FAULT. That's why I think the nicest thing you can do for yourself, besides cutting contact, is finding a professional to help you deal with it.

[tart6245]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please find a therapist to talk to to help you know your options for handling this situation. It is very serious and probably will serve you well to have experts on your side who are more than just Internet strangers.

 

What the other posters have said here is right: threatening suicide in the way in which she's done to you in the past is some of the most manipulative behavior someone can engage in. Her following through this time is NOT ABOUT YOU and is NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you want her to be helped, but you're not the person to do it. She has very serious problems that existed before you met, and she needs professional attention.

 

However, her actions obviously are going to have an impact on you, as you're human and care for her, plus you're going to have to manage her smearing you publicly and blaming you for something which, I repeat, ISN'T YOUR FAULT. That's why I think the nicest thing you can do for yourself, besides cutting contact, is finding a professional to help you deal with it.

 

She's been calling me all day from the hospital during talking hours leaving me crying voicemails begging me to answer and come help her. This is just the most gut wrenching thing I can deal with, and she still thinks we are together and I'm not leaving her.

 

 

I plan to ignore her phone calls tonight. Her mother needs to come support her, not me. Using suicide to manipulate me is totally uncalled for. I understand she's upset over my family's reaction to her, but that's NO excuse for what she has done. I feel so cold and heartless by ignoring her when she's like this, but I know I'm doing more harm than good by talking to her.

[SpecialJ]

You're not cold and heartless. You can't help her right now and you're respecting yourself and your own boundaries. I hope you look into speaking to a professional about this, it's going to be rough.

[Zahara]

She's been calling me all day from the hospital during talking hours leaving me crying voicemails begging me to answer and come help her. This is just the most gut wrenching thing I can deal with, and she still thinks we are together and I'm not leaving her.

 

Stop listening to the voice messages. Instantly delete them. At some point you have to start helping yourself and being proactive in terms of avoiding these triggers.

 

I plan to ignore her phone calls tonight. Her mother needs to come support her, not me. Using suicide to manipulate me is totally uncalled for. I understand she's upset over my family's reaction to her, but that's NO excuse for what she has done. I feel so cold and heartless by ignoring her when she's like this, but I know I'm doing more harm than good by talking to her.

 

You should not feel cold and heartless -- she used suicide to manipulate you. She's smearing you on social media. Don't fall for the tears. Everything she has done to this point has been motivated by manipulation.

[SpecialJ]

This link may have some helpful information and resources for you: When Your Partner Threatens Suicide ? The National Domestic Violence Hotline

[tart6245]

Stop listening to the voice messages. Instantly delete them. At some point you have to start helping yourself and being proactive in terms of avoiding these triggers.

 

 

 

You should not feel cold and heartless -- she used suicide to manipulate you. She's smearing you on social media. Don't fall for the tears. Everything she has done to this point has been motivated by manipulation.

 

I just sent her mother a message that I cannot help her anymore, and my presence only enables her behavior and masks her problems that she needs to address. I also told her she needs her FAMILY's support.

 

 

She replied that "she won't hold you responsible, its her actions, but she needs to see you."

 

 

I have blocked her mom's number. I will not be going to visit her. That is what and why she did this in the first place and her actions would be justified by me being there.

[SpecialJ]

Her mother probably doesn't know what else to do and is desperate for any bandaid, but sounds like she is also an enabler. You're doing the right thing.

[tart6245]

Her mother probably doesn't know what else to do and is desperate for any bandaid, but sounds like she is also an enabler. You're doing the right thing.

 

She definitely enables her daughter. She kept telling me I needed to help her because she is in need and crying for help. But I know I am not helping her by masking her problems and allowing her to take up all my time and energy.

 

 

If I show up tonight or talk to her, she will just be confirmed that doing this will get her way.

[Zahara]

I just sent her mother a message that I cannot help her anymore, and my presence only enables her behavior and masks her problems that she needs to address. I also told her she needs her FAMILY's support.

 

She replied that "she won't hold you responsible, its her actions, but she needs to see you."

 

I have blocked her mom's number. I will not be going to visit her. That is what and why she did this in the first place and her actions would be justified by me being there.

 

You did the right thing. I don't think that there is anything you can do at this point that will help improve the situation.

 

Please also block your ex's cell number. There is going to come a time when she regains access to it and I am sure this won't be the last you will hear from her.

[tart6245]

You did the right thing. I don't think that there is anything you can do at this point that will help improve the situation.

 

Please also block your ex's cell number. There is going to come a time when she regains access to it and I am sure this won't be the last you will hear from her.

 

One of her maniac friends called and texted me last night blaming me for this and saying how horrible I am and everyone knows it. Blocked her number but saved the text.

[Zahara]

One of her maniac friends called and texted me last night blaming me for this and saying how horrible I am and everyone knows it. Blocked her number but saved the text.

 

These are her enablers. It's only hurting her more because this reinforces in her mind that she does not need to take accountability for her own behavior.

 

I'm sure there will be more messages.

 

Maybe think about changing your number.

[tart6245]

These are her enablers. It's only hurting her more because this reinforces in her mind that she does not need to take accountability for her own behavior.

 

I'm sure there will be more messages.

 

Maybe think about changing your number.

 

I am just going to block them each time I'm contacted. Already blocked her friend the moment she sent me that text message. If they start publicly blaming me I will look to take legal action however I can.

 

 

I keep telling myself - I didn't force her to take those pills. I didn't encourage her. All I did was tell her I could not change the minds of my friends and family and could no longer see her or live by her ultimatums. That's NOT a reason to pull a stunt like she did, and I refuse to let anyone try to guilt or hold me accountable for it. Suicide is one of the most selfish things someone can do.

Edited November 2, 2017 by tarheelian

[tart6245]

I just blocked her number and will start the process of moving on. I have set up an appointment to begin therapy to cope with what has happened as well.

 

 

She got released from the hospital and immediately sent me a message asking me why I wanted to let her die and why I didn't come save her from OD'ing. I informed her none of that was my responsibility and I was removing myself from this situation and blocking her number.

 

 

I hope this is the last I will ever hear from her.

[HiCrunchy]

Personally I feel once a relationship has gotten so toxic that the police need to be involved, the relationship is over and should never be revisited under any circumstance.

 

I think it is best for both of you to move on and ever come back.

 

Good luck to you

[tart6245]

She emailed me last night telling me she would tell her boss at work that I️ let her try to die and he’d go and tell anyone he could in my work community about it.

 

Do I️ have any recourse? I️ may need to go to the police.

[Zahara]

She emailed me last night telling me she would tell her boss at work that I️ let her try to die and he’d go and tell anyone he could in my work community about it.

 

Do I️ have any recourse? I️ may need to go to the police.

 

I think I would lay low for now. She's flexing her muscles because she cannot get the response she needs from you and she is likely still emotionally messed up. I think that she will calm down when she realizes she's her hold over you is done.

 

Anyone who hears this is going to feel sorry for her rather than look at you as the bad guy because no one is responsible for another person's choice to commit suicide.

 

There is no harm though in going to the police to inform yourself of your options.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Zahara

[marky00]

 

There is no harm though in going to the police to inform yourself of your options.

 

There is NO options. People can say whatever they want. Going to the police or whatever just makes things worse.

 

 

He needs to suck it up and not react. That's how you take the High Road, not by looking for recourse options.

 

 

And that would be a fair bit easier if he stopped looking at social media etc. Turning off notifications for the problem apps works pretty well if he can't bring himself to deleting his accounts.

[Zahara]

There is NO options. People can say whatever they want. Going to the police or whatever just makes things worse.

 

 

He needs to suck it up and not react. That's how you take the High Road, not by looking for recourse options.

 

 

And that would be a fair bit easier if he stopped looking at social media etc. Turning off notifications for the problem apps works pretty well if he can't bring himself to deleting his accounts.

 

I believe that is what I advised OP to do from the get go and to lay low for now because she's just looking for a response.

 

There is no harm in seeking advice from the police as to his options especially if things start to escalate. OP can choose to decide what works best for him and his situation, if things get far more worse than phone calls and emails. Someone who is this emotionally volatile and destructive may at some point hit a lower level.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Zahara

[tart6245]

I can't shake her off. Over the last 5 days, she's made 5 Facebook accounts, 4 fake phone numbers and 5 Snapchat accounts in attempts to contact me. She's now emailing me at my office and on my personal email from all kinds of accounts telling me I need to show her sympathy and how I'm cold and heartless to react to her suicide the way I have - and how I am betraying her by not showing her support while she's dealing with the aftermath, and how her friends and family are all supporting her but I am just not and I just don't love her. How I can't walk away from this and we have to talk and how I need therapy (which I will begin next week for myself, not her).

 

 

I haven't responded. Some attorney friends suggested I file a restraining order, but I don't want to throw gasoline on the fire. I keep hoping if I keep blocking and ignoring her attempts, she will finally give up. I blocked her number after she kept messaging me saying "as a mother, please give her closure and talk to her. I can't do anything to help her because I am out of town" like she always has done - dumping her daughters problems on me.

 

 

There isn't anything I can do about her threats to hurt my job or my reputation until she actually does something according to the police and a defense attorney friend I've spoken to.

Edited November 7, 2017 by tarheelian

[SpecialJ]

I don't know much about this, at all, but if it hasn't otherwise come up already... it sounds to me like she may not just have depression and anxiety. This sounds like very manic behavior, and I'm sure that the amount she is contacting you is not the only manifestation. I'm actually a little surprised if her mother isn't getting her serious professional help after a suicide attempt, because she may be bipolar or have another issue that isn't just going to be fixed through therapy. An imbalance like that would require diagnosis, medication, and possibly supervision. Not closure from you. (I also wonder if she has been properly diagnosed if she is just not taking her medication.)

 

Anyway, if she is bipolar and manic, the attempts to contact you may not stop until her episode does, and that could be quite a long time. In the meantime, you can ask your corporate email administrator to change your email address.

 

I knew people who permanently harmed themselves during bipolar episodes, so I don't think you'd be out of line to take serious action... I started typing a response (which may or may not have been good advice, I don't know) suggesting you look into whether or not your local jurisdiction has an involuntary commitment process (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_commitment) and sending one last message to her mom that if they keep contacting you'll start that process... but then I realized that if a suicide attempt wasn't enough to make her family members see that she is really sick and needs help, I don't know that anything a psychiatrist would tell them would get through to them either. I'm again sorry for both of you in this situation. You for having to go through this, her for not having people around her who recognize that she needs help. Again, that's still not your job... there's not much you could do as the object of her fixation regardless.

Edited November 8, 2017 by SpecialJ

[tart6245]

I don't know much about this, at all, but if it hasn't otherwise come up already... it sounds to me like she may not just have depression and anxiety. This sounds like very manic behavior, and I'm sure that the amount she is contacting you is not the only manifestation. I'm actually a little surprised if her mother isn't getting her serious professional help after a suicide attempt, because she may be bipolar or have another issue that isn't just going to be fixed through therapy. An imbalance like that would require diagnosis, medication, and possibly supervision. Not closure from you. (I also wonder if she has been properly diagnosed if she is just not taking her medication.)

 

Anyway, if she is bipolar and manic, the attempts to contact you may not stop until her episode does, and that could be quite a long time. In the meantime, you can ask your corporate email administrator to change your email address.

 

I knew people who permanently harmed themselves during bipolar episodes, so I don't think you'd be out of line to take serious action... I started typing a response (which may or may not have been good advice, I don't know) suggesting you look into whether or not your local jurisdiction has an involuntary commitment process (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_commitment) and sending one last message to her mom that if they keep contacting you'll start that process... but then I realized that if a suicide attempt wasn't enough to make her family members see that she is really sick and needs help, I don't know that anything a psychiatrist would tell them would get through to them either. I'm again sorry for both of you in this situation. You for having to go through this, her for not having people around her who recognize that she needs help. Again, that's still not your job... there's not much you could do as the object of her fixation regardless.

 

 

 

I just want to be left alone. Her number of fake numbers she's made is up to 10 as of today and she keeps emailing me telling me how "if you love me you'd support me through all of this" and the like. Still guilting me, blaming me. Her family doesn't care - they just excuse this behavior. Her friends are worthless and lack the capacity to understand. It's sad for her, but I cannot keep letting her do this to me.

[SpecialJ]

A guy I know had this problem when someone he very, VERY briefly dated went off her bipolar meds and had an episode. He had to change his phone number. I know that's a very inconvenient solution, and one I'd be pissed about, but you may want to consider it.

 

Ask your work to change your email address, and put filters on your personal email so that her emails are directed, marked as read, either into a separate folder or the trash. I'd keep them somewhere in case you need evidence (document everything). If she starts emailing you from multiple names at your personal email address, you may have to create a new one there, too, but I think she's less likely to do that if she isn't blocked and THINKS you are still reading the emails.

 

If none of that works well enough, get a restraining order. I'm just concerned for you that she's going to start showing up places if she can't get a hold of you, as she's probably not getting any significant mental help.

[SpecialJ]

You can also adjust your facebook settings so you don't receive new friend requests.