Author tart6245 Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 Over a month later, I still hear from her nearly every day. She makes new numbers on her phone to get around me blocking her. She's finally been shut off on every other social media, but unless I change my number, which would be a huge hassle, I have no idea what to do. She wavers between asking me to talk so we can "both move on and forget about this" to asking me why I want to be unhappy without her, to telling me she's not touched a man since we broke up, to sending me pictures of her talking to guys on dating apps only to tell me later she did it to make me jealous. I could file a restraining order, but I really did not want to take it to that level. But I cannot move on while hearing from her every few days, and I know if I try to talk to her, she will just tie me up in a conversation and not let it go. I don't truly think she doesn't want to be with me, otherwise, she would not tell me she hasn't been with anyone nor ask me why I am choosing to be without her and I'll never find anyone who cared for me like her. Over the last month, she has posted publicly that I abused her, contacted me office trying to get me fired, allegedly contacted all my ex girlfriends and threw things I did 5-8 years ago in my face, contacted my family to tell them all kinds of lies about me and things I said to her in confidence as my girlfriend, and threatened to contact anyone I meet in the future. It's just a nightmare that won't end, and if I give her what she wants by talking to her, it won't do anything but prolong this. How could anyone who said they loved me do such a thing to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Whatever the case, this lady is deeply distressed and emotionally/mentally in need of help. You really should change your number. It is a hassle, but nothing that a week or so cannot resolve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 She claimed to have been in therapy but that her therapist told her I was a sociopath that just took pleasure in hurting her, and this “therapist@ had never even met me. Eventually she said she had been diagnosed with something and would be focusing on that instead. Now instead of threats, she just goes back and forth each message she sends by either telling me she doesn’t want to be with me and she just wants closure to asking me why I am doing what I’m doing to her, asking me if I’ve met someone and that she hasn’t been around any guys. I haven’t responded to her since November and I’ve blocked maybe close to 30 numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 It's now been over a week since she has tried to contact me, so maybe things are progressing. The strange thing is, I am beginning to miss her, but I know what happened afterward everything wasn't acceptable at all. I deserve better than to be treated the way I was by her. I know that. I guess the silence will finally allow me to begin healing and moving on. This is going to take a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Hopefully she leaves you alone but I doubt it. I am sure at some point she'll emerge again. When you miss her and feel weak, print this thread and read it. It'll jolt you back to reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 Hopefully she leaves you alone but I doubt it. I am sure at some point she'll emerge again. When you miss her and feel weak, print this thread and read it. It'll jolt you back to reality. Right. Whenever I start to feel upset, I look back and remind myself that none of what happened was acceptable and going back to her would just ensure it would happen again. I mean, she shamed me and made fun of me when I was cheated on 5 years ago, and claimed to have contacted the girl that did it to let her know I was awful... you just don't do that to someone you claim to love. I told myself that this morning. I'm sure looking back I could have done things better, but I wasn't happen towards the end and so long as we were together, things would never change. I do hope she finds the help she needs and gets through her borderline personality disorder. She'll make a great partner for someone someday if she does, but I think the damage done with me is far too much to overcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I do hope she finds the help she needs and gets through her borderline personality disorder. She'll make a great partner for someone someday if she does, but I think the damage done with me is far too much to overcome. I don't think one gets through a personality disorder. Usually those that are self-aware enough to seek treatment and maintain consistency (rare), find ways to manage their symptoms. But it never really goes away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 I don't think one gets through a personality disorder. Usually those that are self-aware enough to seek treatment and maintain consistency (rare), find ways to manage their symptoms. But it never really goes away. I don't know how "self aware" she was. I just know she told me she had been diagnosed a few weeks ago and was "starting a special type of therapy" to work through it. I did not respond to her though because I just did not want to be dragged back into a day long conversation. When we were together, she claimed she had nothing wrong with her and the only issue was me, and I was the cause of all her ailments because I didn't stand up for her enough. And maybe I didn't sometimes, but it didn't warrant what happened in the aftermath. The problems could have been solved without the suicide attempt/attempt to get me fired from my job/posting online that I was abusive/contacting my family to upset them/contacting all my ex girlfriends over the last decade to tell them I was awful/and all the other stuff I was terrorized with for 3-4 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Maybe it's time to stop talking about her and her issues and start focusing on how you're working on rebuilding your self-esteem. Are you seeing a therapist? What else have you been doing in terms of moving on? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 There's psychological conditioning when you hear from someone all the time. That's why you miss her. It's like lovebombing (which you can Internet search for if you haven't heard of it). With some time of real NC, the feelings of missing her contact will pass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted January 24, 2018 Author Share Posted January 24, 2018 I am going to therapy to work through this and I know I am not in the best frame of mind at this point. I just am trying to make sense of what and why all of this happened, and how. And yes, I questioned myself a lot and wondered what I did so wrong for things to spiral as they did. But I do try to tell myself it isn't all my fault and what happened to me was unacceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 If she has been properly diagnosed now as borderline, have you found a therapist for yourself who specializes in personality disorders? Having someone very experienced in helping people recovering from being hurt by a loved one's disorder can be much more helpful faster than a general therapist who doesn't usually work with personality disorders at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 If she has been properly diagnosed now as borderline, have you found a therapist for yourself who specializes in personality disorders? Having someone very experienced in helping people recovering from being hurt by a loved one's disorder can be much more helpful faster than a general therapist who doesn't usually work with personality disorders at all. No, I am unsure if who I am seeing specializes in that, but I will do more research on it. Whether she was properly diagnosed, I have no idea. I am going off what she told me, but she has changed her stories so often who knows what is true. From what she said, she has borderline disorder and she was going to start a "special kind of therapy" to deal with it. This was a text from a few weeks ago. From what I read about borderline disorder, it does sound a lot like what she did and my experience with her. I think right now I am just suffering from the aftermath now, wondering if I did something wrong and if I could have done things differently to fix our issues. I am just going through the stages of loss now I guess, as prior to this I was just so afraid of what would happen to me. Now that she is silent, I can finally have peace to heal and try to rebuild myself. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 I think it's likely that she is either borderline or bipolar, so I'm glad you're both getting some help to cope now. More specifically, that YOU are moving forward to heal and now have some space to do so. It won't be easy, but you're taking some great first steps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 I think it's likely that she is either borderline or bipolar, so I'm glad you're both getting some help to cope now. More specifically, that YOU are moving forward to heal and now have some space to do so. It won't be easy, but you're taking some great first steps! My therapist does have experience with that type of personality disorder, so I will work on coping with her actions next session I have. I really do not know what she is doing, but I do hope she is seeking help as well and taking it seriously. I think she is borderline based on what I have read on the matter. The behaviors match almost entirely with what she exhibited while we were together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted February 6, 2018 Author Share Posted February 6, 2018 Heard from her for the first time in 3 weeks last night. She told me she was dating someone else and trying to move on, but didn't feel any happiness with the new person nor excitement and she'd never get over me. She said she knew I didn't want to be with her and wouldn't try to convince me to get back together, so she had no choice but to date someone else. She keeps begging to talk so we can stop hating each other and so she can stop living with the burden of what she did. I just see no reason to talk to her. I'd only be helping her heal. I just hate it is like it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Heard from her for the first time in 3 weeks last night. She told me she was dating someone else and trying to move on, but didn't feel any happiness with the new person nor excitement and she'd never get over me. She said she knew I didn't want to be with her and wouldn't try to convince me to get back together, so she had no choice but to date someone else. She keeps begging to talk so we can stop hating each other and so she can stop living with the burden of what she did. I just see no reason to talk to her. I'd only be helping her heal. I just hate it is like it is. Keep ignoring and keep moving on. It's a manipulation tactic -- that's all it is. She's going to try different ways to tug at your emotions and for you to cave so that she can regain control. Instead of hating all of this, you should be looking at this as a blessing and how much of a bullet you dodged. Find gratefulness in that. Start focusing on the good that is ahead of you and start grasping the fact that her behavior stems from her own dysfunction and that there is nothing you can do about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted February 6, 2018 Author Share Posted February 6, 2018 Keep ignoring and keep moving on. It's a manipulation tactic -- that's all it is. She's going to try different ways to tug at your emotions and for you to cave so that she can regain control. Instead of hating all of this, you should be looking at this as a blessing and how much of a bullet you dodged. Find gratefulness in that. Start focusing on the good that is ahead of you and start grasping the fact that her behavior stems from her own dysfunction and that there is nothing you can do about it. I am definitely thankful that all of this happened before we were anymore serious, like living together or married. I can't imagine my life is she were doing this in a situation like that. But I know it's manipulation tactic, and it also tells me she isn't taking her own health seriously. Dating someone now is the last thing she needs, especially if she's telling me how she feels nothing for them and will never get over me. I feel bad for the guy who's putting an effort into seeing her, if he's even real. But that's really not my concern. I will not get anything out of a conversation with her - it won't make me feel any better nor will it help me move on. All it will do is lift the guilt off of her and make her feel better about all the horrible things she did to me. I won't be helping her through that. I don't see a scenario where we will ever be "ok" with each other, and I don't have to speak to her if I see her in public. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted February 7, 2018 Author Share Posted February 7, 2018 Found out last night through the former girl friend of mine who my ex wouldn't allow me to be around that my ex had made out with a random guy at a bar a night they were out without me about a year ago when we had been together for about 5 months. They had both gone back to a guy's place to hang out. Now EVERYTHING makes complete sense - why she didn't want me around my friend, why she was nervous about me being with her when she wasn't around and why she accused me constantly of talking to exes and seeing them. Karma and the truth comes out eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 Well, I fell off the wagon Saturday night and feel like everything has reset. This week has been particularly hard for me - valentines day thrown in my face all weekend, then I had to attend two social events where I was one of the few without a date. On Saturday, she had sent me a message asking to talk again and telling me she was dating someone and not to worry, she wouldn't try to get me back. After a few drinks, I ended up responding, telling her to stop contacting me, and that I was happy she found someone else. She then went on a long diatribe about how she only went out with him because she thought I'd never speak to her again, and that she wants to sit down and talk, and that we are meant to be together and we just have to get back together and friends and family will fall into place. She asked to come over that night and see me, but I said no. It was dumb for me to do that and I feel like an idiot. Now she's back to texting me daily, telling me she loves me and she'll never move on because we are soulmates. I responded by telling her it was a mistake for me to respond and to leave me alone, but she keeps pushing to sit down and talk. I was really making progress in January, but it all started to get worse when she resurfaced in February to push me to see her and talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 All you can do is take this as a lesson and keep moving forward. No point in beating yourself up. I think no matter how much she wants to talk, that should not shake your resolve — if you truly want nothing to do with her and accept that she’s not someone you deserve or want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tart6245 Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 All you can do is take this as a lesson and keep moving forward. No point in beating yourself up. I think no matter how much she wants to talk, that should not shake your resolve — if you truly want nothing to do with her and accept that she’s not someone you deserve or want. I just cannot shake her. She's now telling me she's stopped talking to the new guy she's been seeing despite me telling her to continue seeing him if he makes her happy. I'm just terrified she'll go off again and start threatening me, and my communication with her has hurt my chances at getting a restraining order, but who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
GetyourEx Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Look what I would do is one of two things: - Stop talking to her all together, get as much distance as possible for you to get this restraining order and live your life peacefully. - Or understand what she wants from you, you two broke up and keep your distance yet she contacts you. Maybe she secretly wants you???? Then maybe its worth to talk to her as a person and ask why she keeps doing it? What do you think about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) I just cannot shake her. She's now telling me she's stopped talking to the new guy she's been seeing despite me telling her to continue seeing him if he makes her happy. I'm just terrified she'll go off again and start threatening me, and my communication with her has hurt my chances at getting a restraining order, but who knows. Maybe it is time you change your number and your email address. It seems that you can't quite manage her incessant communication. She is mentally and emotionally dysfunctional. People like her do not just go away. You fed the beast and now it's back. You somehow instilled some level of hope in her by opening the door. You hit the reset button. So now you get through this again by ignoring -- and that means STOP reading her messages. Just auto delete. I was in a similar situation and whenever a message came in, I deleted it. I had to deal with that for months. He went quiet then a year later resurfaced. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Reading the messages trigger you so stop doing that. This is a lesson to you to never, ever communicate with her again. Edited February 21, 2018 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I just cannot shake her. She's now telling me she's stopped talking to the new guy she's been seeing despite me telling her to continue seeing him if he makes her happy. I'm just terrified she'll go off again and start threatening me, and my communication with her has hurt my chances at getting a restraining order, but who knows. You can't shake her because you are staying in contact with her. There's no way you can move on if you stay open to contact. Link to post Share on other sites
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