CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 You don't know or can control what she does now or in the future. People who have one affair often go on to have others. You can never be 100% sure she never gets busted. You don't know what her husband may know now or discover 3 years from now. They always tell all to save their marriage when discovered. I found out about my ex's affair through a third party, friends confide in others and people that are friends now may not be friends later. You can't control other people. You will always be looking over your shoulder waiting for the hammer to drop. Ask the thousands of members on this site, we all discovered infidelity. Being found out is a lot worse for a wayward spouse then confessing. Agree. Brad, you can trust she's never going to come after you or even admit it willingly to her spouse, but you have no control over how careless she may become in hiding things once it is over, or when she gets into another affair. You'll never be in the clear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 I’m not 100% sure she won’t again but my feeling is that she will never do this again just like me. She hadn’t before and is probably having the same feelings I am. I’m not too worried about any of that. She for sure won’t tell anyone. That’s not her MO. She’s a professional in the community and church she attends and so very unlikely she would ever yell a soul and there are a number of reasons why I don’t think she will have another affair. At least anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 I’m not 100% sure she won’t again but my feeling is that she will never do this again just like me. She hadn’t before and is probably having the same feelings I am. I’m not too worried about any of that. She for sure won’t tell anyone. That’s not her MO. She’s a professional in the community and church she attends and so very unlikely she would ever yell a soul and there are a number of reasons why I don’t think she will have another affair. At least anytime soon. I'm sure her husband or your wife for that matter would never have believed their professional church going spouses would be cheating on them for three years. I guess I have it all wrong, that church going professional married woman will honor you more then she honored her husband, what was I thinking? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 Just saying that to point out the unlikelyhood of her telling anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 What’s even more stupid is getting wound up about a woman at the age of 50 lol. Ridiculous Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 I’m not 100% sure she won’t again but my feeling is that she will never do this again just like me. She hadn’t before and is probably having the same feelings I am. I’m not too worried about any of that. She for sure won’t tell anyone. That’s not her MO. She’s a professional in the community and church she attends and so very unlikely she would ever yell a soul and there are a number of reasons why I don’t think she will have another affair. At least anytime soon. I'm not implying that she will tell anyone. Just that there's no way YOU can know that something careless could happen and people won't find out. In my opinion, neither one of you should ever feel safe and in the clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Striver Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 Absolutely no reason to tell your wife. Don't do it. Those who want you to tell her on here have absolutely no idea how you feel. They never will. You are in utter turmoil and you came here for help. You feel like none is forthcoming... But you do need to end it with the OW. And you do need to get counseling. It will help immensely. To be able to open your heart and express all the pain and heartache that this is causing you will help so much... And then you will be able to love your wife and balance will return to your life. I know. [] But he won't be opening his heart to his W. He'll be continuing to lie to her. Maybe he can love his wife, but isn't it kind of condescending? Maybe that is the point. WS often develop an arrogant tone in their posts, and I've noticed it of OP as well. I'm not even trying to criticize, but facts are facts. Maybe the OP shouldn't tell though. From his attitudes, I am guessing that if the W starts questioning, she will get stonewalled and trickle truthed to the hilt. Who knows, maybe it would work for the OP's purposes. IMO, there may be no going back from this sort of affair anyway, so may as well go all in the other way. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad82 Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 I hope her husband catches wind of it and breaks your &@#king legs.. Grow up and learn to be a man of integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 I didn't read all the pages, but as the kids say these days, you " caught the feels." Party is over. Better just hope she doesn't flip out when you dump her. Playing with fire and all... Link to post Share on other sites
Healing321 Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 (edited) I’ve read all 8 pages. My search for healing led me here. I’ve taken great comfort in many of the responses and been quite offended by some as well, but only because many of those judgemental comments used to be me. My husband had an affair 15 years ago. He has been caught ‘talking’ to many other women but I have only proof of one physical affair. I should have left so many years ago, but like many, i stayed for the kids. Now, my children are grown and gone, and a MM came into my life that charmed me off my feet. 1.5 years later, we have been having an affair that has destroyed me, yet I struggle to walk away. However, I am very much in love with him. He does not feel the same about me. While our affairs happened for different reasons, I no longer hate the OW. Where are you now in your journey Brad? And Jenkins - thank you for your willingness to share. I’ve been both, the horribly betrayed, devastated, and broken wife...now the one causing the pain. I never thought I’d be here, but I am. And I am funneling fast. Edited December 22, 2017 by Healing321 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 I’ve read all 8 pages. My search for healing led me here. I’ve taken great comfort in many of the responses and been quite offended by some as well, but only because many of those judgemental comments used to be me. My husband had an affair 15 years ago. He has been caught ‘talking’ to many other women but I have only proof of one physical affair. I should have left so many years ago, but like many, i stayed for the kids. Now, my children are grown and gone, and a MM came into my life that charmed me off my feet. 1.5 years later, we have been having an affair that has destroyed me, yet I struggle to walk away. However, I am very much in love with him. He does not feel the same about me. While our affairs happened for different reasons, I no longer hate the OW. Where are you now in your journey Brad? And Jenkins - thank you for your willingness to share. I’ve been both, the horribly betrayed, devastated, and broken wife...now the one causing the pain. I never thought I’d be here, but I am. And I am funneling fast. You want to end your pain then start your own thread. We will all be willing to help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Healing321 Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 Dear Road - My thread is asking how he is now after NC. I will start my own thread if I feel I need to. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 Dear Road - My thread is asking how he is now after NC. I will start my own thread if I feel I need to. We can't talk to you about your problems on someone else's thread. Start your own if you want to discuss your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Healing321 Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 We can't talk to you about your problems on someone else's thread. Start your own if you want to discuss your problem. Oh my goodness. I do NOT want to discuss my problems!! I’m asking him where he is on his journey. That’s it. I was looking for a reply from Brad only since it is his thread. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 I’ve read all 8 pages. My search for healing led me here. I’ve taken great comfort in many of the responses and been quite offended by some as well, but only because many of those judgemental comments used to be me. My husband had an affair 15 years ago. He has been caught ‘talking’ to many other women but I have only proof of one physical affair. I should have left so many years ago, but like many, i stayed for the kids. Now, my children are grown and gone, and a MM came into my life that charmed me off my feet. 1.5 years later, we have been having an affair that has destroyed me, yet I struggle to walk away. However, I am very much in love with him. He does not feel the same about me. While our affairs happened for different reasons, I no longer hate the OW. Where are you now in your journey Brad? And Jenkins - thank you for your willingness to share. I’ve been both, the horribly betrayed, devastated, and broken wife...now the one causing the pain. I never thought I’d be here, but I am. And I am funneling fast. You are being used for sex by the MM you are in love with. Its your own live and your own choice if you want to be in that situation or not. Oh my goodness. I do NOT want to discuss my problems!! I’m asking him where he is on his journey. That’s it. I was looking for a reply from Brad only since it is his thread. Yeah, you might want to start your own thread if you want to. I too am curious how OP's story turned out. Given that it was from Oct 2017, I guess the saga is still on-folding itself. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 Jumping into this a little late.. hope things are turning out okay for OP. ..She is neurotic and has lots of weird personality traits that I don’t find attractive at all. I must admit I do love her on some level but could never marry her.... oh no... Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again. ^^ I have been unhappy for the last 10+ years. But I always somehow knew deep down that having sex with another woman would probably make me more miserable and confused me and turn me into a bigger ****up than I already am. I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do. There is only one way to do it. Go No Contact all the way 100% and keep drinking your way through it. If I end it now there won’t be anything to come of it. She won’t say anything because she has too much to lose. She’s not crazy in that sense but is in many other respects. After having read and processed everything I’m ready to end it. I’m ready to get some semblance of my life back. It may never be the same after this but I truly think it would be light years better than what it is now. I know that I can’t take back three years. I also wish I could take back that moment when we first discussed texting and never done it. Oh well I know I can’t do that and the only thing I can do is end it and try to forget it. Just saying that to point out the unlikelyhood of her telling anyone. Don't count on it. People talk to other people they know well to get things off their mind and conscience. You don't know this woman from didley. You dont know if affairs is what she normally does and its her thing and you may be one of a long line of men that has come and gone in her extra marital affair. You also dont know what kinds of friends she has and who she confides in. You will be surprised how small the world sometimes is - even in a major metropolitan city with over 4 million people like where I am. ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
justbetweenus Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 I want to end it, but it is hard for a number of reasons. If you had a fulfilling, loving, emotionally intimate relationship with your wife it would be easy for you to leave, and never look back. As long as you keep this affair alive you will not be able to work on your marriage, and get close enough to your wife in a way that will satisfy your needs. You won't experience a true love or connection with either woman. You are cheating both yourself and your wife from what could be a satisfying happy, healthy relationship. Your weak choices is what is making you a weak man. It sounded like this affair has been going on a long time. The fact that your wife has not picked up on it, or noticed behavior changes in you makes me think she is just as distant from you as you are her. Maybe she is cheating on you too? You seriously need to get in to both couples and individual therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
CoolHandLuke1976 Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 Can you promise to do us a favor? When your life blows up because of what a horrible husband and father you are betraying your family like you do, please come back and describe how utterly destroyed you are. It's very therapeutic for the innocent people here who have been victimized by people like you. You could call it part of your comeuppance and a step toward redemption. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Why not stop being a total douche, man up, and do the right thing? It's not that hard, you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 So we went no contact for a while. She texted and I responded. We started up again. It’s been three weeks since last physical, but I ended it again and haven’t talked to her in the past week. I’ve reread the entire thread over and over. Lots of good points but some bad assumptions. I’m not perfect. I want to do right. I have ended it and will not contact her again except for when we are at some public event. I did and do care about the ow but I love and care about my wife more and my family more. This affair thing is crazy. It makes you do do dumb things. Or at least irrational things. I am still reading replies and still want all opinions and advice to come as it does help me to make the right decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Healing321 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I have also gained healing through your experience. Thank you for coming back to share with us. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 It's run its course. These things, when undetected, always eventually run their course. Question is, will this be the last one? Probably not. No consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted January 6, 2018 Author Share Posted January 6, 2018 It’s the only one and the last one for me. Ever. She tried to communicate with me and I was ugly to her so maybe she won’t ever try to text me again. I don’t like this feeling. I do my like what it did to me and how it affected my family. I’m done. I will never put myself or family in this position again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Healing321 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Brad, I appreciate you being honest. There are people on here who are ugly and Judgemental. I was a wife who was cheated on many years ago. Now I’m on the other foot and it’s killing me inside. Some nights I pray just not to wake up because I’m so hurt. Thank you for telling your story. I hope one day I can wake up and not want to contact him, not cry, not hurt, not feel panicked inside, and to maybe be happy one day. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 It’s the only one and the last one for me. Ever. She tried to communicate with me and I was ugly to her so maybe she won’t ever try to text me again. I don’t like this feeling. I do my like what it did to me and how it affected my family. I’m done. I will never put myself or family in this position again. So did you block her and delete her from all contacts and social? It ain't gonna end until you go NC. It's just the way it is. You will always be one text away from restarting. I was is a quasi EA a while ago. I did it. Though, given, it was maybe easier for me cause there was no PA . But it's doable. If you really want to feel better. I did it for my own sanity. Had to. I was constantly feeling like crap all day long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 It’s the only one and the last one for me. Ever. She tried to communicate with me and I was ugly to her so maybe she won’t ever try to text me again. I don’t like this feeling. I do my like what it did to me and how it affected my family. I’m done. I will never put myself or family in this position again. Wow, that wasn’t the wisest move to make. Once she realizes that this isn’t temporary and that you don’t want any contact with her anymore, she’s going to feel that you treated her like trash the second you no longer wanted sex from her…and that will probably make her angry. She could blow up your marriage if she decided to, and if she’s pissed off enough, she just might. She could tell your wife any lie she wanted to. She could say that she saw you with another woman, she could start spreading rumors that you cheated to people who she knows will repeat that gossip to your wife. She could “accidentally” let her kids overhear her talking to someone about you cheating and they’ll either tease or tell your kids…I mean, there are a million ways she could cause you trouble while still covering her own ass. If her husband finds out or she decides to confess to her husband or if they divorce, it’s almost guaranteed that she’ll tell your wife about the affair because of how you ended it. I think it was a mistake to be nasty when ending it, but I don't think that opening up contact to apologize is a good move either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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