Author Bradintx Posted October 23, 2017 Author Share Posted October 23, 2017 We are friends with each other socially. We have taken trips together and go out all the time together. Our circle of friends are the same. There is no one I can go to. No one. That complicated things even more. It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into. Link to post Share on other sites
1966Seahorse Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 We are friends with each other socially. We have taken trips together and go out all the time together. Our circle of friends are the same. There is no one I can go to. No one. That complicated things even more. It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into. And you can get yourself out this sorry mess immediately by telling your OW that what you are both doing is wrong, has been going on far too long and needs to stop NOW .... then you delete her number and block it on your phone, block her on social media too, if applicable .... and if you MUST be with her on social gatherings you treat her as you would the others - just as a FRIEND, even though I personally don't agree with keeping her as a friend. BUT - I also think at the same time you should man up and admit your affair to your wife .... and let HER decide what she wants from the marriage, if anything at all - at the very least she should be the one that determines your futures. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hecan Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) We are friends with each other socially. We have taken trips together and go out all the time together. Our circle of friends are the same. There is no one I can go to. No one. That complicated things even more. It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into. Ok. I get it. You need someone to talk to and YOU have made a mess. ( I hope Jenkins jumps on here to respond because he will understand your situation ) but you must think about YOUR WIFE and not yourself !!! Go to a counselor, a non biased person, but please pick wisely, as many won't force you to own your stuff but try to make excuses for your behavior. END IT NOW and then try to deal with your stuff by finding someone to talk to !! Take the first step!! We are all ' talking ' to you ! And I'm sorry but you are not all " friends". Friend don't go behind your back and sleep with your spouse !!! No one needs " friends " like tgat . Edited October 23, 2017 by Hecan Addition 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Nothing will change unless you change it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Are you prepared for repercussions if and when the husband finds out? What do you think his reaction will be? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted October 23, 2017 Author Share Posted October 23, 2017 I’m sure it would be bad. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I appreciate the honesty. No I did not mention my wife. I do love her very much and do not want to divorce her. In fact there is less than a zero percent chance I could live with the OW. She is neurotic and has lots of weird personality traits that I don’t find attractive at all. I must admit I do love her on some level but could never marry her. No way. It’s probably more of a physical thing than anything because I find myself not wanting to talk less and less to the OW. I have issues that I’m not proud of. I don’t mind the honest feedback. It’s actually helping me to see who I really am. Not a very good person. You have issues like what? Be specific. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 You are so full of excuses. That's all that is coming out of your mouth because you are not a brave man . Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 What's crazy to me is that the OP is willing to risk everything he says he lives to get laid...yet he doesn't even care much for the OW. Just more evidence that some men will mess around anything that's offered to them. Please seek professional help for yourself - you need to understand more about yourself to fix what's broken deep inside of you. I say that with kindness. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Ok that is enough... You OP, need to man up. Oh poor me what a mess I got myself into. Just stop all of this foolishness, and self victimization. You are screwing her because you can, you know that is the truth. I know, believe me. Your entire world, sooner or later is going to blow up and you have no idea how bad it will be. Now, if you love your wife and family the suck it up and put your big girl panties on and end it now. If you don't love your wife, I know you love your kids, the file for divorce and face the music. I get it, you thought is would be fun to get a little strange because she is nuts and hot. And you were too big of a wimp to end it after the first couple of times. Now look where you are at. Listen brother, you do have issues, you are selfish and entitled and you need to grow up. Either end the affair and/or file for divorce... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted October 23, 2017 Author Share Posted October 23, 2017 We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all. We aren't listening to this kind of whining anymore. Nobody cares. Tell us steps you're taking to right your life, and we'll care. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 You are stuck, OP. Look up limerence. That is what you're feeling for your OW. You know what you have to do... it's just a matter of when you'll be ready to do it. I'm not going to be hard on you, you'll get enough of that from everyone else. Thing is... you'll probably have to hit bottom before you make any changes (get caught, confess, whatever...) It's an addiction. You hate yourself for what you're doing, and you want to stop, but you feel powerless. Believe me, I get that. You will have to make the choice to stop. You'l have to make a stand and make a choice. It won't be easy. Read all the stories around here. You'll see both sides of it. You'll read things you don't want to read. You'll see that there's no happy ending in this situation. Hopefully Jenkins will chime in soon... He really empathizes what you are experiencing. Other thing that will help is to keep posting. You've done the important first step: you've admitted there's a problem. Now it's up to you to keep going. You can't continue. That roller coaster sucks. I was on it. I know the self-hatred and I know the obsession and I know how my selfish needs came first over everything else. Other thing you have to do is own every bit of this. That's not easy either. You will have to own your mistakes and how you let yourself get into this to begin with. Good luck OP. When people post the harsh things to you, and they will, keep in mind they are coming from their experience and their pain: this is what your wife will experience when she finds out. Somewhere inside you know all of this... you just have to be ready to do something. Change this. You have the power. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I don't think Jenkins is comparable, Jenks actually cared deeply for his OW, OP has admitted that he doesn't even really like talking to his OW. This is purely sex and he knows it. With that said it all addiction as you mentioned. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into. You are right and that is what you willfully partnering with the OW in betrayal for 3 years gets you! Your willful selfish acts have harmed a lot of people and you owe it to your wife and family to do everything to put them first.. You were bold enough to crap on your wife and children for 3 years now be bold enough to take your consequences and spend the next decades putting your wife and children ahead of your selfish self…You did the crime now do the time! What actions have you taken to put your wife and children ahead of your selfish self? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all. Well now aren't we supposed to feel sorry for you? Boo Hoo - poor baby isn't excited to get laid anymore. Maybe it's because you have to look yourself in the mirror knowing full well you may have given your wife a disease! If you intend to meet Wednesday then at least do what's right and set your wife free! File for divorce and allow her to find a man who loves her AND acts like he does love her! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradintx Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 You know what really sucks is when I compare myself to my dad. I’m not half them man he was. I want to be Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all. Ummm, don't go? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Brad....what is it that you're looking for here? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I appreciate the honesty. No I did not mention my wife. I do love her very much and do not want to divorce her. In fact there is less than a zero percent chance I could live with the OW. She is neurotic and has lots of weird personality traits that I don’t find attractive at all. I must admit I do love her on some level but could never marry her. No way. It’s probably more of a physical thing than anything because I find myself not wanting to talk less and less to the OW. I have issues that I’m not proud of. I don’t mind the honest feedback. It’s actually helping me to see who I really am. Not a very good person. so is risking everything worth it? Since you're not in love with this MW, you're in lust. It's about you and how she makes you feel in bed, like a king? You want to lose the life you've built with your wife and mess up your children's lives, all for what? A hot affair? You're not happy and you seem to be really down on yourself. I'm sure you're a good person just for 3 years you've made some bad choices that will eventually catch up to you. I'm surprised nobody has caught on. It is possible your wife knows something is 'off' with you but doesn't want to even think that you'd cheat on her. How long are you going to live life like this? time to get yourself to counseling and fix what's broken inside of you. If you don't you're gonna lose all that you love and one day look back full of regret from your selfish choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 You know what really sucks is when I compare myself to my dad. I’m not half them man he was. I want to be Well then why don't you start by showing admirable actions in your daily life? That would include honoring your wife each day like you promised? That would also include eliminating the OW completely from every aspect of your life. If you want things to change - then that change needs to come from you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Brad, what are your issues that you e eluded to? Please be specific. Link to post Share on other sites
1966Seahorse Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all. Boo hoo .... So, how much longer are you going to keep this up .... You have been getting all sorts of advice from LS posters but your responses are mainly short one liners that mean nothing at all .... You say you aren't half the man your dad is/was (can't remember your exact words) .... but .... start to be that man NOW .... are you scared of your OW or something? Or is it that you are scared of your family/circle of friends finding out who you REALLY are? YOUR WIFE DESERVES TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON SHE THINKS YOU ARE - do you not get this? And if your OW is also a friend of your wife's (which is the impression I get) ... then this makes things even more vomit inducing .... this just gets sicker. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 He's not the first, and at least he came here hoping to be motivated (I guess). But here's the thing—what I'm 100% convinced they all think: They don't think about getting caught - until they get caught. He's not worried about getting caught. He just isn't AS into it or her as he was and kinda maybe a little feels crappy about what he's doing. It's completely Skinnerian: 1) Mouse does action X number of times and gets positive rewards with no negatives. No-brainer. BUT ... 2) Intermittent (unpredictable) negative consequences with at least some reward? They'll do it forever. (They stop only if negative consequences are a sure thing.) But he's here because he's not a mouse. He wants to reclaim his dignity, integrity and self-respect (yes, I'm putting words in his mouth). BU-u-u-t those rewards. Still there sometimes. And the negatives are just not that, well, negative. It's just HIS conscience after all. (No thought of the unreality of hurting wife because he truly believes that won't happen.) There's also the inertia factor. No movement begets no movement. There's not enough to make him change the status quo. So he can wait until he gets caught since he won't think about it until it happens. Or he can try to find someone else to motivate him to make a move some other direction. Right now he's just disappointed with Cupid. No limerence, no fun. But still. It's not quite enough negative to give up whatever reward he's still getting from it. I don't blame him. I've seen only a handful of WSs that did anything on the basis of conscience alone without having been caught. Especially since they work so hard to shut it up in the first place. After all that effort to kill it, I'm sure it's really hard to bring it back to life - and boring. Imagine working to feel accountable to people you'd successfully put out of your mind just because ... because ... I mean why should he? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) As someone else mentioned - whats the reason for being with OW? Its sounds more like "possession" issues of OW and her time with her husband and not love of any kind. As you mention she is NOT someone you want to be married to....so what... is it just wild sex ...she does something for you your wife does not? Or just an exciting [affair partner] ? maybe you have self esteem or self issues driving your affair that have nothing to do with your wife or even the OW ? [H]onestly I am trying to understand so I can offer advice and you can stop this. Speaking of stopping this - how does OW feel about YOU? What do you think OW's reaction would be if you said "we are done" ? and as for talking to someone - have you considered some therapy - someone can help you work through your reasons for having an affair? Edited November 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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